Postpartum

A Never-Ending Struggle (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression 16 Comments

Age: 20
Number of Births: 1
Child: 7 Months Old

i’ve posted before, but not on a topic as specific as this. so, no pictures this time– just a story that i’m hoping some other women can relate to. not exactly the happiest, but i’ve found that people find comfort in relating with others, regardless.

it took me weeks to figure out that something just wasn’t right after i had my son. it wasn’t him, it was myself. it was the way i was acting, my feelings, my stress levels. it just wasn’t normal. i didn’t think it was a problem until i did a little research and came to the conclusion that i might have post-partum depression. it took one morning of me feeling like i was going to snap, crying and begging my fiance to help me, to stay home from work just ONE day to give me a break, that i couldn’t take it anymore. my son had been up practically all night, he was screaming, nothing could console him. i was at the end of my rope, and he just left. nothing he’s ever done hurt me more than him doing that to me that day. i literally told him i was afraid that i was going to do something terrible, and he just left us. he told me it was because he “had a responsibility to be to work” and he “couldn’t just leave them short-staffed”. and, stupid me, here i was thinking, “you have a responsibility to protect your baby and to make sure your fiancee is OKAY.” i was not okay that morning, nor was i okay in the weeks that led up to that. he ignored it. i am still holding a grudge from that, and i’m aware of it. but as many times as i’ve tried to talk to him about it, he shuts down and just acts like it’s nothing he cares to hear. (don’t get the wrong impression of my fiance, though. he’s an amazing, loving, providing father and a good man.) so i stopped trying to talk to him about it. i made an appointment to go see my doctor that day. i got put on anti-depressants but it’s still lingering some days and there’s been times when i went without it longer than i should have…. i know now that i really do NEED those pills. it’s like i’m completely hopeless.

i don’t want to do anything some days. and by that, i mean all i want to do is just sit and do mind-numbing things like browse facebook and pinterest and watch shows. i don’t want to do laundry, i don’t want to clean the house, i don’t want to do the dishes, i don’t want to do anything productive. there’s even some days where i don’t want to interact with my son. it breaks my heart, because i know i should cherish every minute of it, but sometimes i just put a movie on and let him be. i’m so envious of the mothers who can fill their day with being super mom’s. it’s like they can do it all, with a smile on their face, and love every minute. that’s not me right now. i can barely force a smile on my face when something is funny. it’s just… fake. it’s not even a matter of me feeling sorry for myself as it is me just feeling hopeless about things.

my fiance acts like i’m doing all of this on purpose. he tells me “why don’t you make plans with your friends? why don’t you do this? why don’t you go somewhere?” i don’t want to interact with people. i have no desire. no energy. i don’t want to have to get myself ready to go anywhere. i don’t want to try and push out conversations when everything i want to say is negative and depressing. no one wants to be around someone like that. i never have a vehicle to leave the house, even if i wanted to. i don’t answer my phone 99% of the time because i don’t want to talk. even when i do try to reach out and talk to my friends, i have nothing to say. i do nothing all day, i have no news to share. i want to start working and go back to school, but i don’t want to be around anyone. a big part of that is that i gained so much weight from starting birth control, being home all winter with no way to exercise and “boredom eating”, and now my comfort and source of being not so bored is cooking and baking. it takes up time, it’s one of my hobbies, and i get to eat it after. my entertainment used to be going out, shopping, school, friends, and being too busy for much else. i literally will spend so much time some days just looking back through my old pictures and seeing how tiny i was, how beautiful and full of life i was. i was funny, i was fun, i was happy. now, i see a fat, very unhappy, very hopeless person and i just can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel. it’s not that i don’t want to, because i so desperately do, but i just don’t see a change happening in me.

i feel like i’m wasting my son’s memories (my memories of him, i mean) as a baby. i feel like i’m preventing him from learning, experiencing, and being a happy fulfilled baby because of myself. i feel like i don’t remember the past 6 months. i feel like it’s been a blur that i just slept through or got into such a routine that it became automatic and every day felt exactly the same. i feel so incredibly guilty, every day. i should be taking him outside, i should be rolling around on the floor playing with him, i should be reading to him so much every day, i should be doing so much more. i just don’t have it in me.

i don’t talk to anyone for entire days at a time. i bug my fiance at work all day asking him when he’ll be home, praying that he’ll be out earlier. i get so, so mad at him when he tells me a certain time and i practically wait at the window, watching for the car to pull in, and he doesn’t get home until two hours later because he had to stay later and didn’t tell me. instead of telling him that i’m upset because i was excited to see him, excited to have someone to talk to, i get mad at him for it because it feels so cruel to me. but he doesn’t know that i’m just desperate for adult interaction. i have no one to talk to, all day long. i have nothing to do, and it makes me feel worthless. i just wish he would understand that all i want is some support and for HIM to understand. i tell him “i wish you knew what it was like. i wish you could be in my place for a few weeks so you could understand how difficult it is. he doesn’t factor in my depression, because he acts like it’s non-existent. he gets mad and says “well i have to actually work” and makes me feel like me staying at home and mothering our child is a vacation while he’s doing all the “important” stuff. it makes me feel, again, worthless. and then when he tells me “well why don’t you get a job” in a degrading type of way, it makes me feel like i’m lazy, like i’m reliant on him for everything. but the fact is, no matter how badly i want to get back to the old me, i don’t want to be around people. it scares me. it makes me so unbelievably uncomfortable. and he doesn’t…get it. nor does he act like he cares to. it’s so hurtful to me and so frustrating and it’s the cause of so many of our fights. if he would just open up to me and TRY to understand, it would make things so much easier. i wouldn’t have to hide my feelings with anger and yelling and frustration. i could just TELL him, this is what’s wrong, and this is why. but i can’t. and it’s really making things a million times harder for me to have the one person i should be able to tell everything to not wanting to hear it. why don’t i deserve respect and support?

Will I ever learn to love my body? (Jen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

32 years old, 3 pregnancies, 2 children, 6 and 4 years old, separated last year

I am trying to learn to love my body again. I am mostly still embarrassed by it and feel disgust when I look in the mirror. I am proud of the fact that I have lost almost 70lbs over a year ago and have kept the weight off. I did that with the help of a personal trainer. Although most days I still feel like I’m overweight.

I have a wonderfully supportive boyfriend now who tells me I look perfect and that he wouldn’t change anything about me. I just wonder everyday if I will ever get over these in securities that are constantly in my mind.
Reading other womens stories here has really helped me feel like at least I’m not alone in this!

Update (Dee)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

Original post here.

Age: 18
# of Pregnancies/Births: 1
Age of Child: 17 months

It’s been 1 year since my first post and I’m now 17 months postpartum. My body hasn’t changed drastically in that time, but there has been some progress. My once pink stretch marks on my stomach, butt, and hips are now invisible in photographs and not noticeable unless I stretch my skin to emphasis them. 1 year ago I was at 115 lbs and now have dropped to 105 lbs, which is less than my pre-pregnancy weight. My breasts are the most depressing part of my body. I feel completely flat-chested and embarrassed that I don’t have ANY natural cleavage. They make me so sad and I look forward to getting implants one day when I can afford it. Recently, I’ve become somewhat depressed and I feel like it’s getting worse. My boyfriend and I live separately because we can’t qualify to buy a home yet. In attempt to help our family and because I felt like I needed some independence, I got my very first job. I ended up never getting to see my boyfriend. My daughter wouldn’t adjust to daycare and it was so damn expensive that at the end of the day I hardly made $10. On top of all that, I cheated on my boyfriend with a guy I worked with. It was just a kiss, but I still felt terrible and my boyfriend got it out of me. I quit my job with my head hung low because not only did I not help my family financially AT ALL (I just about broke even after gas, daycare, and clothes/shoes I had to buy for work), I lost my boyfriend’s trust and violated our relationship. I feel like a failure. It makes me feel so horrible when I’m sitting at home with my daughter and I cry. She’ll bring me a tissue to wipe my eyes and give me a hug and kiss. I know that I need to be strong for her, but I feel helpless. Being self-reliant is completely out of reach for me at this point in my life. Now that I’m not working I need to get back into the swing of all the household cleaning and chores that need to get done, but I just haven’t been motivated. With all that being said, my body actually makes me happy most of the time, except for my breasts of course. I’d love to get into modeling, but I’m worried that my tattoos, scars, and lack of height will prevent me from getting anywhere. Every day is a struggle for me right now, but I know I need to keep my head up and tell myself that everything will turn out okay. Thanks for reading.

Photos:
1-3. Postpartum body
4. My little Daisy

Face of a Single Prayer (Allyshia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Teen Mom 7 Comments

age: 17.
Pregnancies: 2 // births: 1 and 1 on the way!
Age of children: 13 months and 9 weeks pregnant :)

I was 15, struggling through anorexia and I was 78 lbs. I was 4’10” and still am at the moment! I was about 87 lbs at the time I conceived my daughter and my weight went up and up and up! I had a sudden realization that I needed to eat. So from 200 to 1800 calories a day I went. I put on about 25 lbs in the first 20 weeks. Which, was actually 20 lbs of weight I needed for myself. So 5 lbs for baby! By 38 weeks, I was 138 lbs. I had gained about 30 for baby and 20 for me. I felt pretty good. Big but good! I didn’t get stretch marks untl 28-29 weeks though. So I had a long way and a lot of stretch marks to gain. I got them on my boobs, butt, back, belly, the back of my knees, my ankles, everywhere!

On February 24, 2011 at 12:30 am, my water broke. At 8:50 am, after only 3 hours and 20 minutes of hard labor, my beautiful 7 lb 11 oz baby girl was born naturally. No epidural. Nothing. Just breathing and relaxation. She is a beautiful little toddler, healthy and happy and just so happy! She has the normal health issues any baby would have; ear infections here and there, a yeast infection once, bladder infection once. I think it’s because I didn’t strengthen her immune system by breast feeding. I feel bad for not being able to but she has done so well anyway.

On February 15, 2012 her little sibling was conceived! (From the ultrasound we got) We are 9 weeks pregnant and ecstatic. It was unplanned but one night of passionate Valentines day love turned into another loved little one :) He/she looked like a little bean on the ultrasound.

My weight is about 118 lbs right now (still healthy range) and has only gone up a lb since this baby. Our weight gain goal is about 25-30 lbs. I plan on exercising and walking and eating healthier this pregnancy so it is easier to flatten my tummy. I don’t care about the extra skin. I just want to stop looking pregnant whenever I eat (except now. it’s okay now!). I might get a belly band as well. My stretch marks have faded all naturally. No procedures at all.

Thanks for reading :)

PICTURES!

1st) 5 weeks/pre pregnancy body:
2nd) 20 weeks with baby girl:
3rd) 34 weeks:
4th) 38 weeks belly! :
5th) 8 weeks with this bub! :
6th: 8 week 5 day ultrasound:
7th) postpartum belly (taken today):
8th) my girl on her 1st birthday:
9th) my Lilia today! :

Great Pregnancy – Nice Body (Rada Bond)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 34 Comments

~Age: 29
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 preganancy – 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: my son is 1 year and 4 month old today

My name is Rada, I am from Moldova and I am 29 years old. My baby boy – Karim – is 1year and 4 months old today. I got on your site accidentally, but I did not leave it until I read more than half of the stories of mom’s. Reading the messages I experienced different feelings, like sharing happiness of the women being mothers, compassion about them being worried and disappointed by their bodies. And I compared the situation with that of fighting a disease champagne – why to spend a lot of money and effort on treatment and not on preventing it.

I planned my pregnancy, I tried to do it in the best way I could – and I think I succeeded. I had a magnificent pregnancy, enjoyed every single day of it, I delivered my angel boy in my home in water, and I got my body almost as it was before I got pregnant. And I don’t think there is something magical in my body, I am convinced that this is due to hard work during the pregnancy. By hard work I mean – correct alimentation (which is completely different from what doctors advice us), a lot of physical activity – my day to day work plus special exercises for pregnant women, (regarding the physical activity unfortunately the doctors are misguiding pregnant women), and of course special exercises after the delivery. Of course, a sharp eye can see the changes in my body, I am still breastfeeding, so my breast will be a little bit different from how they were before. But I DON’T really care. Breastfeeding is the best thing I experienced, after the delivery. Breastfeeding brings me the most expensive and dear moments spent with my son. When I breastfeed the time stops, there is just me and my baby in the whole Universe – this is what I call happiness.

Like we see, the doctors play a great role in the disappointment that a woman faces after having the baby.

Here are coming with their offers the cosmetic companies – but the truth is that their remedies are TOTALLY useless. If there is an effect it is illusionary, for a short period. So, women better use natural remedies.

But, in the end I would like to say that a woman makes a great think by delivering a baby. And without a wise body this would not be possible. So I think that we must cherish our bodies, however they look like. Not the body attracts men in a woman’s life, it is her soul that shines from her yeas. It is her smile that captures the moment. A man that found his woman, the ONE, will thank God for every stretch on her body, for this means that his woman is a true woman, a one that brought him a baby. This is blessing.

ALL MOTHERS ARE WOMEN FIRST OF ALL. GREAT WOMEN.

Scared to Look Down (Ana)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 23 Comments

age: 24
1 pregnancy
mother of 4 yr old princess
natural birth

you would think that 4 yrs would make it easier to accept the changes in your body.. but its definitely not, for me atleast. i was never the “skinny” girl, and that always bothered me.. and after giving birth the list got longer. i, like many other moms on this site, have the saggy belly problem.. or “the baby butt” like i refer to IT lol.. i love my daughter with all that i have, but it doesnt take away the fact that i am now 24 and i have a huge fear of wearing a bikini or two piece bathing suit to the beach. so many things i cant wear anymore (cropped shirts are tooo cute).. and its def something thats always in the back of my head. i too have spent hrs and hrs on google looking at how amazing these celeb moms look after 1 week of giving birth. its not fair. and it doesnt end with celeb moms.. alot of my friends and friends of friends who also have kids, got back their bodies intact. no stretch marks no sag. why? i know we must learn to accept and wear our tiger stripes proudly but its so hard… maybe im just pessimist and need to look at the glass half full instead of empty.. this site has def pushed me in the right direction.. ive read entrys where i could hold back the tears…I can so relate to it all.. thank you ladies for showing me who i WANT to be.. that fearless mom who can teach her daughter that we are beautiful! God bless :)

ps. i am a huge fan of urban outfitters and american apparel and i am so happy high waisted bathing suits are back. as well as high waisted jeans and slacks. makes it a bit easier :)

Struggling With the Changes (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Postpartum, Submissions 13 Comments

I found this website in a moment of weakness I was having with myself over issues with my body and I decided that since reading everyone’s stories and seeing their pictures that I couldn’t resist posting my own photos/story to maybe help someone else. I am 20 and actually planned a pregnancy (with my boyfriend of 5 years) due to the worry of infertility with age from issues with my reproductive organs. Anyways, I was very excited. I weighed 159 pounds (the most of my whole life) when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t have a single stretch mark until I was 8 months and 2 weeks pregnant and then it seemed I got one with every breath I took. I was ALL belly which I thought was a good thing. My pregnancy was very rough on me, I lost over 20 pounds within the first 5 months from being so sick, then I finally gained some weight and kept gaining. I got pre-eclampsia at 38 weeks and was put in the hospital. I never progressed even with early labor and being induced therefore I had to have a cesarean (which I so DESPERATELY did not want!) It was very hard on me, it traumatized me but I had my baby, whom I love with all of my heart. My child never breastfed correctly so I pumped for four months and my milk literally dried up over night (yet another unexpected disappointment.) Anyways, I weighed 172 pounds the day I had my child, then while pumping I got down to 139, and now I am back up to 160! I don’t understand! I got on Nuvaring and it seems to be the best birth control of my life (the others gave me clots, gain weight, etc.) I’m not sure if the ring, stress, or negative body image is making me gain weight but I need help. I am struggling so much with my body image. I feel 6 months pregnant. My legs and arms need toning of course, but my breasts seem deflated and my belly just seems like a large (LARGE) unattractive lump that hangs over my jeans! I am sure that the way I look at myself doesn’t exactly turn my boyfriend on – which causes issues also. I just feel like I’ve never been satisfied with my body even when I weighed 100 pounds and I’ve never had a flat stomach but I am young. I want to be able to take my child swimming (which means me in a bikini – not happening.) I am not crazy about the stretch marks but I at least try to feel okay knowing that I got them from carrying my amazing child – yet the flabby jiggling belly is just wrecking me. I am just ashamed.

The first picture is 37 weeks pregnant.
The second picture is frontal stretch marks 8 months PP.
The third picture is my belly from the side, also 8 months PP.

Second Baby, 9 Pounds 13 Ounces – Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Previous entry here.

I am now 4 months postpartum, after my second child. I was 1 week overdue when I had him and I knew he would be a big boy. I had terrible pelvic symphysis pain with him. I couldn’t roll over in bed and by the time I was 40 weeks along, I stopped doing my regular exercise (walking 1 mile a day). It was just so painful! The day he was born, I was around 158 pounds (two pounds lighter than the day my 7 pound 11 oz daughter was born at 39 weeks). I guessed that he would be born weighing 8 pounds, nearly 9 pounds. On November 1st, 2011, I was scheduled for induction at 41 weeks. I wanted so badly to go into labor on my own (as I was induced with my daughter for high blood pressure). My blood pressure had been excellent throughout this pregnancy, at around 112/60, so I had high hopes. After lots of prayer, I went ahead and scheduled the induction. Thankfully, I went into labor early in the morning on November 1st. At first, I thought it was back pain (which wasn’t unusual), but I quickly realized that it was the real thing. The labor still had to be augmented with Pitocin later down the line, but I got to go into labor on my own! My epidural worked this time around and I was able to actually really enjoy and remember the experience of childbirth. My son, however, was posterior just as my daughter was and he also needed a vacuum to assist the delivery. I could feel his large head in my pelvis as I pushed – a bizarre feeling that I’ll never forget. The doctor was amazing and tried to turn him to an anterior position as I pushed. There was a bit of an issue with shoulder dystocia and meconium. The scariest part was the fact that the cord was wrapped around his neck. It was frightening not to hear him cry for a few minutes after birth. However, he is a very healthy little boy! We are so thankful for him. When the nurse weighed him, she said, “He’s a big boy!” I remember thinking, “Of course he’s big! I was overdue!” Then she turned him toward me and I squinted at the scale! 9 pounds 13 ounces! What?! How could that be? I’m a petite woman and my husband is fairly short at 5 feet 10 inches (his father and brothers are well over 6 feet tall). The doctors checked his blood three times, thinking that perhaps I had unchecked gestational diabetes, but I didn’t! The doctor said, “He’s just a big boy!” Today, he is 4 months old and over 18 pounds. My arms are getting quite a workout, but it must be good for me because I’m already back down to 118-119 pounds. I might be back down to my old weight, but my old body has changed quite a bit. I earned quite a few stretch marks on my tummy that I didn’t have before (I had a lot of extra amniotic fluid, as well as a big baby) which are fading and my tummy is still a little fluffy. At times the stretchmarks bother me, but considering that I carried such a big boy, it could have been much worse. I want to start jogging soon, but I’m going to wait until the weather gets a little nicer. I want to be careful that it doesn’t effect my milk supply as well. Losing weight so quickly makes me nervous about my supply (although I had no issues in the 2 1/2 years I nursed my daughter). My goal is to nurse my son for just as long as I nursed my daughter. Nursing is going great and I’m enjoying the time with my little guy while he’s still little.He’s already sitting up and I get this feeling that time will fly just as quickly, or more quickly, than it has with my five-year-old.

Thanks for reading my update. :)

~Your Age: 27; Currently: 5 foot 2 inches, 119 pounds
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 1st child: 5 years, 2nd child: 4 months

1st photo: close-up on stretchmarks at 2 weeks postpartum
2nd photo: goal weight, but not goal shape, 4 months postpartum
3rd photo: 4 months postpartum
4th photo: 40 weeks 2 days pregnant (notice how I’m carrying extra fluid above my belly button)
5th photo: me with my darlings

Trying Really Hard But Losing Hope (Sophya)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Complications in Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Toxemia 11 Comments

Age: 33

Number of pregnancies/birth: 2

Age of children: 6-year-old daughter and 7 months-old son, 7 months post-partum

I’ve been visiting SOAM for the last four years since I had my daughter and I wish to thank warmly all those wonderful women who’ve had the courage to post their stories and voice out their fears. You have all been truly inspirational and sometimes, reading these stories was the ONLY thing that kept me from plunging into despair after I had my baby girl. I have always been overweight (I had to be fed low-fat milk as a baby so as not to put on too much weight), and the “thinnest” I have been in my adult life was 64 kg, which I managed to reach before my wedding in 2003 by following a horrible diet and abusing a bit on laxatives. I had my baby girl in 2006 and put on 27 kg during the pregnancy and was absolutely devastated at the state of my body after that. Over the next four years, I managed to lose 25 kg through on-and-off diets and religious exercise. I was very scared to have another baby for fear of what it would do to my body and my health again, which was fine because by that time, my marriage had somewhat broken apart and my husband and I were not having sex. Then, after a wonderful holiday in December 2010, things got patched up and we decided that having another baby would not be a bad idea, and I quickly fell pregnant in January 2011. But I had a very difficult pregnancy…I started bloating at 2 months, was anaemic throughout the pregnancy, my husband had to travel when I was 4 months along and we got robbed while my daughter and I were alone in the house, I lost all my wedding jewellery and a lot of money, had serious car problems…all that stress made my blood pressure soar and I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and had to undergo and emergency c-section at 33 weeks because my placenta had started tearing apart from the high blood pressure. After the operation, my BP still wouldn’t go down and I had to be put in ICU for 48 hrs. I felt like hell after the op. But my baby boy was in the incubator and I had to go to the clinic to try and breastfeed him everyday. After I finally came home, I had to learn caring for a premature baby (plus dealing with my 5 year old) and had no time or energy to care for myself. I started dieting and exercising about 3-4 months pp and managed to lose 9 kg in 3 months (I put on about 15 kg with this pregnancy), again by following a hell of a protein-only diet and forcing as much exercise on me as I could possibly handle. Despite all these efforts, I still feel heavy, bloated, and look like I’m still 5 months pregnant. My gynae says that my body went through major trauma during the op, my tissues are all mushy inside, my uterus is badly ruined (he’s been practically screaming at me NOT to have any other babies), so that’s why I will take more time to recover than if I had a normal delivery. I’m now running out of strength when I see that fat, massive 5-months-preggo-looking belly of mine. I don’t care about looking good again or about the stretch marks (I know I’ll forever have the pouch…it doesn’t bother me because my marriage is on the rocks again and I don’t think my hubby and I will ever have sex again, so there’s nobody to see me naked again), I just want to STOP feeling so huge. I know I have to be strong for my children, but after all these efforts, still having this massive weight to carry around is starting to bring me down. I am now 7 months PP and I’m starting to think I’ll never be my ‘normal’ self again.

The pics are me 7 mo PP and my daughter (she just turned 6) and son.

Daring to Bikini (Jen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 13 Comments

-37 years old, two pregnancies, children 5 and 7, divorced last year
-also a postpartum doula and freelance writer who spends most of her professional life writing about motherhood and encouraging new moms to be strong, proud, and confident, in both their instincts and their physical changes

My children were my lifeline through what turned out to be a hearbreaking, unhealthy marriage. Without the incredible experiences of natural childbirth, 5 years combined of breastfeeding, and motherhood, I may have seen earlier that my “love refill tank” was dusty and dry, but my children filled me up to such an abundant level, I kept on with my marriage–for hope and for them.

This photo was taking after the ground finally stopped shaking from the total life earthquake known as divorce. Amongst the rubble and the aftershocks, I found real, supportive, cellular love with the first boy I ever kissed…both of us transplanted in Minnesota, very far from our native homes. We left our work and our worries one weekend to go camping and river tubing with his sister–so juvenille, so fun. As he is not a biological parent and is not the one who gave me my pregnancy body, I did feel a little more self-conscious revealing my “extra skin” and dimples and stretch marks. Needlessly, so, as he loves me because he loves me…and LOVES the wonderful mother that I am.

As you can see, in the photo, I am laughing and having fun. I am clearly in good health and toned by exercise. This is actually the low end of my weight range, as I lost quite a bit through the divorce. Still, I look at this picture, and I feel imperfect. I feel frustrated with the belly which actually looks pretty good for my age and number of pregnancies. And that is RIDICULOUS. I am 37 and hopeful after heartbreak, lighthearted enough to stand on a tube in a moving river. I am a postpartum doula who truly knows the beauty of real arms, thighs, bellies, breasts, and hips. And yet, I do not love this picture. But I want to. Maybe sharing it will help.