Postpartum

From a good-looking girl to a zebra mom. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Hair Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 12 Comments

Hello ladies! First of all, my first language in not English so if I write something wrong please forgive me :)
I am 22 years old, got pregnant when I was 21. All in my life I was slim and good looking (thats what others said) 50kg, 162cm with long dark hair.

By the time I was 9 months pregnant I was 69kg… +19kg!!!
My pregnancy started with horrible morning sickness but other than that I was fine.
Except my hair… my hair started to dry out and fall out.
People told me it happens sometimes because baby takes everything of me.
I was a little bit sad because of my hair but I still didnt know thats just the last thing I have to worry about.
We found out we are having a baby girl , we were so excited and happy. I stopped working when I was 8 months pregnant.
My belly was beautiful and the skin was smooth and perfect even when I was 35 weeks…
People told me Im so lucky , I havent got any strech marks at all…
I always did care about my skin a lot, when I found out Im pregnant, I bought a bottle of strech mark oil from Boots straight away…
and I used it every single day. When I passed 35 weeks, my belly started to itch more and more every day.
One day I woke up with a few red and painful lines on my tummy.
And they just got bigger and bigger all around my hips, boobs, legs.
By the time I was 9 months pregnant, I couldnt even wear any top because my skin was so painful and itchy, it was horrible…
I gave a natural birth at week 41 to our gorgeous baby girl in the beggining of December 2012
She was 3.5kg and 51cm. We came home and the new life is started… :)
Everything was fine and my partner was so happy and proud… happy happy happy end…?
Not really…. I gave birth 3 months ago and I ve gone back from 69kg to 61 in december.. and I just put 4kg back on in the past 2 months so Im 65 again…
My skin just totally demaged, reminds me to a Zebra…My hair is still not growing and dry like a brush…. it puts me down so much I dont know how to accept myself. I keep saying this to people around me
and they all trying to cheer me up but thats never gonna help, I would do anything to get my skin back. I feel terrible , I would cry every single day If I would be on my own.
Im never gonna be confident and never gonna like the girl in the mirror again. It effects my love life as well because Im just hiding myselft constantly.
Im using BIO-OIL from the day I gave birth,dont think its gonna make a big difference but anyway… at least something…

By the way, I just want to say thank you for people who read my story and I wish all the best for all of you!
I hope we all gonna find the way to love ourself again.

Number of pregnancies and births: First Pregnancy

pre-pregnancy photo
photo-week 24.
photo-week 30.
photo- week 34.
photo-week 35.
photo-week 39.
and the last 3 photos are just now, 3 moths after the birth.

Trapped in Someone Else’s Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

Age: 24

I just had my first (and last) child on September. I had a scheduled c-section. He was 10lbs and 2oz when he was born. I am only 5’1” and before I got pregnant I was only 95lbs. The day I went into the hospital I was 149lbs!!!! Mostly, water and one giant baby, but still huge all the same. I really didn’t gain weight anywhere else except my stomach during my pregnancy and the skin was still stretched tight up til he was born. I didn’t really have many stretch marks either til the last month and they really made up for lost time. I lost almost all the weight without dietary change or exercise right off the bat and then just completely plateaued right after that initial loss. I breast fed for the first three months til I couldn’t anymore. I still don’t know what happened. I was overproducing and then it just stopped coming out creamy and in then needed amounts. My breasts seemed to immediately shrivel up right after that. I was always about a 32D and a full DD when I was breast feeding and now they are just these tiny droopy pancake boobs that make me cringe when I see them in the mirror. In fact, seeing any part of my naked body anymore legitimately makes my skin crawl. I feel like there is no hope for any kind of salvage to my body anymore and my stomach is just going to look like a leather handbag forever. Did I screw myself because I didn’t exercise from the beginning? Is there really any nonsurgical way I can get rid of this disgusting extra skin? I am usually hovering between 105 and 110, so not overweight I guess, but you couldn’t tell. I’ve been going to the gym when I can and doing five miles on the elliptical or 1 mile on the treadmill and it doesn’t seem to be making any difference. Even carrying around my now more than 20lb son doesn’t seem to help. My stomach is still saggy and sticking out further than my breasts. I am just morbidly depressed about the state of my body and go out of my way to avoid letting anyone see it because of my extreme embarrassment I know pregnancy changes your body, but no one else seems to be nearly this far gone. Anyway, any insight on any of this would be tremendously helpful. I seriously am just so lost and depressed and don’t know where to go from here.

Photo: Year before pregnancy/ 4 days before Cesarean/ 5 months postpartum.
Photo 2: Adrian. (3 months old)

Uncomfortable in My Skin (Kel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 34
Pregnancies/Births: 5/3
Time PP: 25months
Ages of Children: 5 1/2 years, 4 years and 25motnhs

I am an Aussie stay at home mum of three beautiful bright, perfect and healthy children. They light up my life and I adore them all. I also have an amazing husband. We have been with each other for almost 15 years. He rocks my world.

Our journey to parenthood began unexpectedly. Four months after being with my (then boyfriend, now my hubby!), I accidentally fell pregnant at 19 when the condom broke and he didn’t tell me, because he wasn’t aware of the morning after pill! I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was about 12 weeks along (my hubby was away in the armed forces during this time), because I had been having spotting and cramps like I was having a light period.

My boyfriend came home after 12 weeks deployment, and I was still spotting and cramping. I thought it wasn’t normal and I told him I was worried something was wrong with me. He then told me what happened and I could be pregnant. So I did a test, and hey presto, I was expecting! I had cramping and bleeding on and off for the duration of the pregnancy and as a result, I quit my course I was studying because it was our testing and assessment period at the time and to try to be a bit more relaxed and to help my baby grow I thought it best to quit. Sadly, our baby was not to be, and at 17 weeks we found out we had lost our little boy, who we named Joshua. I was terribly devastated, despite this pregnancy being such a surprise, I was desperate to be a mum, and have wanted to be one since I was tiny myself.

After being induced and giving birth, I was fairly sick. I ended up hemorrhaging badly around 3 weeks after giving birth, due to retained products of pregnancy, I had several blood transfusions but I was still weak. I was very sick and was in hospital for the first time in my life, without my partner, who was once again overseas on deployment. I was young and scared and broken. I was (what I now realise), suffering with Post Natal Depression (PND). I gained some weight, about 7-ish kilos (15 pounds). I was sick for a long time after losing so much blood, and had to had iron infusions and just couldn’t do things because I was so weak. Working and school just weren’t options. I slowly got well again, with the support of my partner and mum.

After our first loss, my partner and I were much stronger as a couple. We got married and moved in together and lived a wonderful life doing the things young people do, whilst we were young and before we really started trying to have a family. When we were 27 (after being together for 8 years and married for 4), we decided it was the time in our life to start a family, so we started trying for a baby. I was a little worried and stressed out about it, and terrified of losing another baby. We fell pregnant after about 4 months of trying. We were ecstatic but cautious. Work was stressful for me at this time. I was also studying at university and we were looking at buying a home. My partner was only working part time and also studying at university.

Sadly again, this baby was not meant to be. At 11 weeks we found out I had lost the baby again. Another little boy. All testing and medicals came back as being normal, there was no explanation as to why I was losing our babies. After this we put off trying for another baby for several months. But it consumed me. All I wanted was a child with my husband. I was so sad and down. Through my depression, yet again I gained some more weight (and hadn’t lost the weight I gained before) about another 5-6 kilos (12 pounds) was added to my little 164 cm (5’4”) frame.

Six months or so passed, and hubby and I decided we would try again. We didn’t fall pregnant for about 6 months. I was so petrified I would not be able to have children. When we finally did fall pregnant again, I was scared. Particularly when I started spotting again. I was fraught with fear of losing my baby again. At work I took on a lesser position with less stress. I put my uni course on hold and just tried to relax in general. I had early ultra sounds and tests every few weeks to make sure my hormones were doing what they should when pregnant.

And they did. Thank goodness, this baby was a sticky one. My belly grew and I loved being pregnant. I didn’t suffer from the worse types of pregnancy ailments. No morning sickness or other illnesses. Just a bit of heartburn and pain in my back, I enjoyed this pregnancy. Finally I had my beautiful rainbow baby and she was stunning. The most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. We were smitten. But she was a difficult baby. I had a bit of birth trauma after a long, induced birth, as well as having post postpartum hemorrhage and needing blood transfusions. I had difficulty breastfeeding. I now suspect my daughter had reflux. She didn’t sleep much, woke often and was hard to settle. She was partially breastfed and bottle fed, and I was pumping and doing bottles, and trying desperately to get her fully breast fed, though that never happened. There were lots of tears from both of us through the first 6 months of her life.

I was having issues with how my body had changed with pregnancy. My husband and I were going through a lot within our marriage trying to sort out how to be a family of 3. I hadn’t gained much weight during pregnancy and actually weighed less after birth than I did pre pregnancy. But now I was gaining more weight I was now around 80kg (176 pounds). I hated myself, I wasn’t as good at being a mum as I thought I would be. I was doing it tough, and again, in hind sight I realise I was suffering with PND.

It was around Christmas time, 7 months after I gave birth to our gorgeous daughter. I would be returning to part time work and University in the new year. Then I found out I was pregnant. Merry Christmas!! Whist my husband and I wanted more children, we were planning on waiting until I had finished uni and he had settled into his new job and just when life was more settled in general. But clearly the universe had other plans for us.

This pregnancy was easy early on. I had none of the bleeding or cramping I had with my previous pregnancies. Which was great, since I had to throw myself back into work and studying, as well as now being a mummy. Our daughter was becoming easier to care for. She was sleeping better, and was becoming an absolute joy to parent. Until about 6 months into the pregnancy, that is.

Sadly, I started really struggling within myself again. A doctor diagnosed AND/PND (ante natal/post natal depression) he told me I needed to sleep better and relax more. What a laugh that was!! Things were getting tough to deal with again. I failed a subject at uni. Work was getting harder due to my size with the pregnancy (I am an early childhood teacher). I was huge this time. I had minor polyhydramniosis (excess fluid around the baby), plus he was a big baby, always measuring large at doctor appointments. I had back and pelvic issues (SPD and sciatica), I have severe reflux and later on got pretty bad odema (swelling) in my hands and feet.

Finally the time came to give birth again. I was determined to do it naturally this time, we hired a doula and I researched a lot. He was born at 4.2kg and 56.5cm long ( about 9p 4o, and 22 1/4 in), totally naturally. I had done it all by myself to day I was proud would be an understatement. His birth was amazing. He breastfed like a champion. This was all so much easier than when I had my daughter.

Unfortunately I was still suffering with depression. Our son was a very frequent feeder around 2 hourly day and night, and our daughter still woke 2-3 times a night. Though he wasn’t a difficult baby, feeding him 12+ times through the day and night as well as having a young toddler was taking it’s toll. My husband did odd hours at work, often working 12 + hours thought the night, then trying to sleep through the day. I wasn’t getting any support from family unless I literally begged them to take the kids. I was finding it hard to see anything in my life as being enjoyable. I gained more weight (another 5-6kg) and hated my body even more because of what another pregnancy with a lager baby did to me. My back and pelvis still ached even after giving birth and I had even more stretch marks, from my ribs down to my pubic bone. I have excess skin which will not go away even if I lose the weight.

When my son was 5 months old I had to return to part time. Finances were very tight. Life was a blur for me. I don’t remember a lot of my sons baby hood because I was struggling so much. I often wanted to just get away, driving in the car to work, I would fantasise about just keeping driving. Not stopping at work, or to pick up the kids. Just to drive into the sunset. There were a few moments during this time that I considered suicide. It was just all too much. So overwhelming.

My suicidal moments were fleeting, and usually when I had only had 3-4 hours sleep for weeks on end. But they were there. That was all in my head. I look back now and I am amazed how my husband and I did it. We did it together. There were times when we fought like cat and dog. When it was hard to support each other through it all because we were both suffering and struggling, but we did it. Through our hardest times and darkest hours we made it through. But we could see something had to change. This would be our life, struggling through every thing, only just making it week to week and not really enjoying anything, if we didn’t make a big change.

We decided we would go and live in the bush for a while with hubby’s job. We also talked about having another baby. With moving to the bush, we would be able to have another bub, and I would be a stay at home mum. So that is what we did. About 4 months after discussing it, I was pregnant and we were moving to a remote country town. Life got easier. For a while.

We moved 900km (a 9-ish hour drive) away from our loved ones and the familiarity of home. To a town 3 hour drive from any kind of civilisation, with around 3500 people. It was like a foreign country to us.

I started struggling again with the pregnancy. My back and pelvis started to play up fairly early on. By now, I was about 90kg (198pounds). So mixing being overweight, with being pregnant with another big baby boy and I was struggling to move very much at all. I had no friends and my children were bored and frustrated at home. During my last few months, I couldn’t do a lot with them, besides read books and watch movies. Thankfully I managed to get a place in childcare for one day a week.

I gave birth to another gorgeous little (big!) boy, again naturally and with my wonderful doula and hubby at my side. Unfortunately, I hemorrhaged again and required blood transfusions. My son ended up in special care nursery too, with intestinal issues. Breast feeding wasn’t off to a very good start this time. Thankfully, his tummy issues resolved themselves, and we managed to get breastfeeding fully again.

I had another frequent feeder, and again in hind sight, I think he also had silent reflux like his big sister. He was hard to settle at night in particular and it wasn’t unusual for me to be up with him for hours rocking and burping and trying desperately to settle him. My first son and daughter were also still waking at night, so yet again I was working on 4 or so hours of sleep a night. My husband was (and is!) wonderful and would often deal with the older children, though still had to work as well, so I tried my best to do it myself. Still suffering with PND, it was still tough, though I don’t think it ever got as hard as it did when son #1 was born.

I am happy to say now, that I am depression free. I still have bad days, but I can cope with that! My children are turning into wonderful, bright little people and my hasband and I are still going strong. I have started studying at uni again this year and hope to finally finish off my degree! I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have made amazing friends living out in the bush and have experienced a life I would never have had otherwise.

I still struggle with how I look though. I have never had a good body image. Sadly, I have always had an issue with myself. Sadly, because I was always fairly fit and healthy when I was younger. Now I have let myself go (far beyond the limits of what is ‘normal’) I am about 35-40 kilos (65-90-ish pounds) overweight. Before children I was around 63 kg (139 pounds), now I am about 97kg (214 pounds). Now I really do hate how I look. Now I realise how beautiful I really was. I have stretch marks from my ribs down to my pubic bone and around to my sides, I have over hanging skin. I also still have issues with my back, which I put down to being so over weight, unfit and inflexible. I am now trying to lose the weight. Slowly, but surely it will come off again. When it does, I plan on having plastic surgery to correct the skin issues. It will never go away on its own, I think it will just look even worse with the more weight I lose. I want to like how I look. One day I will.

Photos

1. After my first pregnancy (miscarriage at 17 weeks)
2. Around 6 months pregnant with each child
3. My babies
4. After son #1
5. Now

Love doesn’t work without intimacy; a lonely life is all I’ll have. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Vulva/Vaginal Damage 21 Comments

Age- 23
Number of Pregnancies- 2

Ive came acrossed this site before, after I had my first son. I thought the stories on here were very emotional and touching.. Never did I think that one day I would be posting on here. I need to get it off of my chest, talk about it, maybe someone else is going through the same thing that I am currently going through..

I have 2 beautiful healthy little boys that brighten my life up in everyway possible. I gave up so much to make sure they had a great life, I wanted to be a loving mother. I never felt bitter about having children so young because I enjoy living my life for other people.

My first labor went quick and fast, had a 6lb baby boy born 3 weeks early at this time i was 20 . the father of this child skipped out on us when I found out I was pregnant and at that time m ex boyfriend and I became friends again.. fast track to a couple years later me and my ex boyfriend who takes care of me and my other son , we were living together and we found out shortly after i sons 1st birthday we were expecting…

I was not happy at all but he was.. all he wanted was to be a father and he was so beyond excited to have a child of his own.. We were both hoping for a girl but found out we would be blessed with another little boy. During my pregnancy I developed PUPPS I gained about 50lbs which put me over 200lbs when I delivered, I also had high blood pressure. they decided they wanted to induce me at 39 weeks because I had been 4cm dialated for about 2 weeks walking around and he didnt budge. –

Day of induction they popped my water and labor progressed. I had a midwife at the time so I began to push when it was time but the baby didn’t want to come out. I pushed for about 45 minutes. pushed veryyyyy hard and my boyfriend told me that the entire time I was pushing I was constantly pooping (gross but whatever). after a while the midwife said they needed the resident doctor because they might need to use vacume forceps or csection. I was scared I didnt want a c section. In came in the doctor, he was an older gray haired man. he didn’t seem to like me to well, idk if it was because I was 22 about to have my 2nd child. But i felt the harshness from him, he said we would try forceps… I was afraid but not too afraid. then he pulled out what could have been the jaws of life and ramed them into my vagina without any warning. the left side of my body shot out a huge twitch and my leg (which was numb) fell off the bed. I felt the pain, I felt something but didnt know what. he moved them around in order to turn the baby and he pulled the baby out…. I was so happy to finally see him. he was a beautiful 8lb baby…

but the happiness went away shortly after when I realized the doctor was giving me stitches inside of me without even telling me what was going on. he told me afterwards I tore a little bit inside, acted like it wasnt a big deal. then told me “if you hadn’t of gotten an epidural i still would of had to of done it this way”. I was upset. after the epidural wore off I was in so much pain, i cried and cried and cried. i felt like i had been ripped apart and put back together.

I couldnt get out of bed the entire time i was in the hospital. they had to cath me to empty my bladder which gave me a uti…

I struggled for months afterwards with incontinence issues, leaking urine, bowls it was a mess…. then when I was able to become sexually active again I did, and that’s when it all set in… My vagina will never be the same again…

I felt no sensation what so ever…. and neither did my boyfriend.. this man who I loved would soon realize this problem was not going away… I feel less and less like a woman everyday. I expected the stretch marks but never did I think my vagina would turn into such a ….. gaping hole…. as my boyfriend calls it now…. I eventually talked to my doctor about it but they didnt want to help me. they all said it would go back to normal and to do kegals. so I did. I eventually saw a specialist and they sent me to physical theraphy. but even the specialist looked at me like I had been promiscuos and I deserved it.

Im 23 years old, I have 2 children. my son is now a year old and after being a year PP my vagina is still not the same and it will not get better without surgery..

I am 23 years old and I can’t be intimate with the man that I love. is causing problems in our relationship and pretty soon I don’t think we will have one .. this issue has given me such low selfesteem. who would want me now? I am a mother. I gave my children life and everyday I just want to die…. some people might think Im crazy but I literally cry about this all the time. Just knowing he doesnt want to be close to me, knowing that I have nothing to offer to him, the simple things a woman and man do we cant do. and there is no way I will ever be comfortable enough to have sex with someone else . I don’t feel like a woman anymore and I feel numb going through life…. I can’t even keep a super plus tampon in…..
I’ll never get better without a surgery and when I told my boyfriend he said it would be cheaper for him to swap me in….. he never used to be this way, but I dont blame him. sex used to be fun but it’s sad now. he loses his erection Im dry and I can’t mentally try to enjoy myself I just want to cry every time because I know it doesnt feel good to him.

I feel helpless, all I will ever be now is a mom. no ones wife, no ones girlfriend, no man is ever going to want to be with me again…

Never felt more like a woman. (Jordan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

23 years old
3 pregnancies/2 births
14 months pp

Previous post here.

As mothers, our bodies may not look like they used to, but that’s OK. My body gave me my children and for that, I will be eternally grateful. It is a beautiful thing. Sure, Alot of woman may see their stretch marks, and sagging skin as a flaw or fear others will view them as unattractive.. but they are part of who we are now and, therefore, they are beautiful. We earned them and we need to appreciate them more. My body may not be magazine perfect but it’s perfect enough for me and that’s all that matters. I had an easy, healthy pregnancy with both of my boys. Labor and delivery was short, unmedicated and absolutely beautiful both times as well and if i could do it all over again.. i’d do it the same way. Epidural is not natural and not for me. I have a 3 year old and a 14 month old, They keep me busy, never cease to amaze me and they are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love me, inside and out.. I hope every single one of you reading this does or will come to feel this way about your own body and minds! Love this website.

(1) Pre-Pregnancy
(2) 8 months pregnant with second child
(3, 4) 14 months pp
(5) My boys

Update (Kathleen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 11 Comments

Previous post here.

14 months ago, I wrote a submission following the birth of my second son. Well, my baby boy just recently celebrated his first birthday, and it got me thinking about the memoir I wrote so many months ago. When I posted my story, I was, like many mothers, exhausted, adjusting to life with a new baby, and struggling with my self image. This past year has been a wonderful whirlwind, but as a mommy to two busy boys, I found it extremely difficult to find any time for myself. I wanted to lose my baby weight, but never seemed to have enough time in a day to work out. I would try to early in the morning before the kids got up, (5:30) or at night when they went to bed. It was difficult to be consistent and I was often dismayed that I wasn’t seeing any results.

I decided that I would do the best I could, when I could. But most of all, I decided to revamp what I was eating. I may not have had much control over my schedule, but one thing I could control was what I put into my mouth. I started eating clean, well – as clean as I could! And just tried to eek in a workout whenever the kids would allow – even if it was 10 or 15 minutes during the day. Well, here I stand, 65 lb lighter, and the healthiest I have ever been. And I have never felt so good about myself. I wanted to post this for all the moms out there that are feeling the same helplessness that I felt. I never thought I would lose the mommy tummy. I was resigned to the fact that I would probably have a little poofy pouch under my shirts for the rest of my days. I said I was ok with it, yet like many women on here, I researched alot about tummy tucks!

It wasn’t a quick process. It didn’t happen over night. It took 14 months of “trying” to get in a workout. But what made the biggest difference of all, was changing my eating habits.

Because I am happier with myself, my happiness spills over into many other facets of my life – most importantly, my role as a wife and a mother. To all the amazing and beautiful mothers on this site who encouraged me inspired me, and lifted up my soul when I needed it the most, thank you so much.

Update on My Diastasis Recti (Mrs. Roussell)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, Diastasis Recti, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Age :23
Weeks PP: 9!

Previous post here.

When I last posted I was 4 weeks pp and very insecure about my stomach. I haven’t lost any weight yet (still 140) but I’m ok with that being I’ve never had a big butt and being that I’m African American I’ve always been made fun of because of it but now I LOVE my new booty!! … One person commented on my post that just by looking at my pictures she was 100% sure that I had Diastasis Recti (separation of the ab muscles) ..my first thought was “what the hell is that” so I started to google. Every picture I saw reminded me of my stomach and through further research the “Tupler Technique” popped up. I have a belly binder that the hospital gave me to wrap my boobs after I had my baby(no I didn’t breast feed!!! Don’t Judge) I cut it into 3 sections and wrapped my stomach while hold in my abs and pushing them together..it’s not the same as the proper diastasis recti rehab splint that is endorsed by the “tupler technique” but hay money is a little tight because we’re moving..so until we’re settled that’s what I’ll be doing. I’ve been wearing it for 2 days now and doing transverse abdominal exercises and I already see results!! To all moms PLEASE google this condition before doing CRUNCHES !!! I have a new found confidence knowing that I have this condition and that I CAN fix it..hope this post helps new and old moms

Updated here.

Mother of 8 Wants to Say, “Aloha!” (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Twins 11 Comments

I have a fairly long story, but don’t we all?

I was a young teenage mom.

I am now 40 years young.

I have had 8 children, 7 full term pregnancies. One of them being twins, BOGO free.

My oldest is 20, my youngest is 3.

I was co-dependent and chose abusive relationship’s.

I did get therapy and have been working hard to learn to love and accept myself. Raising your emotional I.Q. is what I call it.

I don’t work out yet, I am collecting equipment and educating myself with the intent of developing more muscle tone. I feel that I am skinny fat. KWIM?

I do study and read about nutrition and hormones, etc. and apply what I learn in my and my children’s life.

I am pursuing a degree in Nutrition and Dietetics so that eventually I can teach and empower other women in the near future.

I don’t think I am perfect, I am perfectly me in the present moment.

Most of all I wanted to let other women know that with proper nutrition and diet you can change your body.

You deserve the absolute best and nothing but love. We all do.

My Battle With Guilt (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Children with Health Complications, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 10 Comments

I met my boyfriend in high school, freshman year. We were officially a couple a little over three years ago. I think we may have used a condom for the first couple months and gradually I started to let him not wear one, being stupid, young, and in love. Well miraculously, it took me years to get pregnant (wasn’t trying) and I was a couple months before turning 18. My mom was already okay with our relationship considering we were together for so long, and finally took it seriously, basically letting us live together for the last couple years. So, she wasn’t so in shock when I got pregnant around 18.

I suffered a terrible amount of guilt and was considering abortion. I knew the fact that my diet was complete shit, that I was smoking marijuana, cigarettes, getting wasted all the time wasn’t good for the baby. I had heard that women start cleansing their bodies in preparation to getting pregnant, and was very scared. I was having pelvic pains, so after the doctor confirmed I was pregnant, I was taken in for an ultrasound. I found I was 8 weeks pregnant. The heart was already beating, and instantly I knew I never could have an abortion. Hearing her heart beat was the more beautiful music I had ever heard in my life.

So here I am, 39 weeks and ready to pop any day. But, about 18 weeks in I come in for a routine ultrasound, and they had discovered a mass somewhere in her abdomen. Never in my life was I so frightened. I come to find out after trips to UCLA, that this was a CCAM/Pulmonary Sequestration. It is a rare mass that occurs in the lung, and in her case was so large it was pushing her heart completely to the right side. They had advised me to “terminate” the pregnancy. I knew there was no way in hell I would. I remember sitting in the office listening to these doctors tell me in detail about her mass, during the fetal heart echos, and 2hr long ultrasounds, and all I could think was why? Here I am 18 years old, changing my whole life around, becoming a mother so young, dealing with this shocking news I was responsible for another life and NOW I’m hearing not only is there complications, but a very rare one, that is known very little of.

Around 23 weeks I moved to a different state. My boyfriend came with, and I continued care with a new OB in one of the best hospitals in the US, because of the insurance my stepdad was able to give my daughter great care and a fighting chance. Although, when I had come up here I knew they had little hope for my daughter. Long story short, I was told she will me immediately taken from birth to the NICU for her care, and that there was a chance she can come out not even being able to breathe. And that even if she was healthier than ever, she still needed to be transferred to the NICU to run tests, and determine when her surgeries will be. (surgery is necessary, it’s not an if it’s when)

So, with all this on my mind, I have a tremendous amount of guilt. I feel that what I did before I was pregnant, and when I was pregnant but didn’t know I was, the things I was doing somehow caused this to happen to her. I was told it wasn’t, that it is genetic, but I am scared it was my fault. On top of this, I’m 18 years old, 239 lbs, and looking my absolute worst.

I gained weight previous to the pregnancy. I blew up in about 2 years, going from 145 to 190. After being pregnant I shot up to 239 lbs. I am 5’7, went from 36DD to 40E, and I have stretch marks all over my body. From my sides, my hips, one or two on my butt, and all the way up my belly. I hate my body. I feel miserable. I wear the same black long sleeve maternity shirt every other day, the other day is a dark grey long sleeve maternity shirt, and sweat pants. I used to dye my hair consistently because I hated my natural hair color, I used to do mystic tanning because I am naturally pale, I used to wear fake nails, etc. All which I cannot do anymore and it actually does bother me. And I feel terrible for worrying about such stupid and vain things while I should be focusing on what’s happening with my daughter and be thankful that she has made it this far. I’m constantly comparing myself obsessively to other 18 year olds, perfect slim bodies, belly pierced, no stretch marks, perky breasts, able to show it off comfortably any time they want. I’m jealous. And obsessive. And it’s on my mind constantly. I love my daughter with my whole heart, she has become my whole world, and I haven’t even met her yet. But I hate my body. And I am so scared I will never lose the weight, nor the stretch marks, and that my body will never be the same. And I knew this is wrong.

– First Pregnancy 18 years old
– Photos taken at 38 wks

Still not quite where I want to be (Kris)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

Age: 28
Years postpreg: 2.5
# of children: 1

At the age of 24, i was single, in college, and living alone in a new town. I was enjoying the single life since it was the first time in my adult life that i had been single for a significant period of time. In fact, I was entertaining the idea of committing to a life a spinster hood. However, I met my son’s dad and after knowing him under two months, i found out i was pregnant. I wanted to keep my baby, so we decided to give us a try and he moved in with me. Within 4 months, i realized this man i was about to raise a child with was a severe alcoholic, and not a very nice one at that. But i stuck it out in hopes that everything would just work itself out, which i know now was stupid. I was in a relationship that put me in a constant state of stress, always worried that id come home to a hostile drunk, not having a supportive partner to help me in this difficult period of my life, feeling unloved, and completing my junior year in college. So i turned to food. I was gaining close to 8lbs a month, so at 5’0, i went from my prepregnancy weight of 135 to 205 by the time my son was born. I was miserable. I felt so ugly.

My son was born via csection after being two weeks over due and a failed induction. After he arrived, my weight stayed around 178. The first few months of his life were difficult, i tried to work on my health and getting back in shape, but the combination of my senior year in college and an unpleasant homelife drained me of all my energy. When my son was six months old, i finally realized i needed to leave my son’s father, so i moved us into a new apartment and i graduated college. Since then, I’ve worked housekeeping jobs and watched my son grow into a beautiful person who i love more than anything in the world. 2.5 years later and i am finally committing to getting healthy and getting my life on track. i am working out 3-5 days a week and eating better while working on my application for grad school. So far I’ve lost 10lbs, but I’m worried that my tummy, which used to be my favorite feature, is going to always look gross and saggy no matter how much weight i lose:(

The photos i am posting are of me 2.5 years postpregnancy and168lbs. I’d love to hear if anyone knows if with diet and exercise, i can get my tummy somewhat back to normal or if I’ll need to consider surgery.