No Photos (Story Only)

I Wonder (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions, Update 10 Comments

~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1

I’ve been reading your stories for the last 6 or 7 months and am just like a whole bunch of you – in a shirt I look great. With my shirt off, the extra elephant gathers at the bottom of my tummy were making me feel horrible about myself. The picture of Julia Roberts on the beach with a belly like mine made me cry. Now I just don’t care. Because I’ve realized that my husband loves me no matter what, and I love what I have done. I GREW A PERSON!!!

I wonder what North American ‘culture’ has done to us. We often blame the media. Because all they show us is beauty. But why do we give them so much power? It’s up to us to say ‘NO!’ To look past all the crap they’re trying to shovel down our throats. What do you think Heidi Klum or Angelina Jolie look like in the midsection? Sure some people bounce back, but after 4 babies ? Twins? And as crappy as it is for us to compare ourselves to them, I wonder how they feel – they either have to feel beautiful in their own skin, or they have to cave to all the pressures they’re under and get plastic surgery. And if they felt comfortable in their own skin, don’t you think we’d be seeing it?

I wonder. Did our grandmothers worry about what their stomachs looked like when they had their shirts off?
I like to believe that they had more important things to care about – stuff that really mattered. Like if their babies were going to grow up healthy. Or grow up at all.
Our lives have become too easy – that’s got to be the only reason we have time to worry about what we look like under our clothes to ourselves and our significant others.

If I spent all day cooking for my husband laboring in the field, or wondering if we were going to get enough rain for the crops to have money to buy necessities for our family, or worrying about my son in the trenches of some war, or wondering if my baby was going to get whooping cough or small pox or polio, or hoping we were going to be able to save enough for a good dowry for our daughter, or praying that my daughter was going to have more opportunities than me, or ….

What about the women who have lived through ethnic cleansings – genocides, famines? If we had to worry about our families being killed, or our babies starving to death, would we care so much about our bodies? Would we care at all?

I’ve decided that there have been and are a lot worse things in this world than a bit of extra skin.

Like the beautiful baby boy sleeping beside me. I’m going to give him a kiss and be thankful that all I really need to worry about is if his second toe is going to straighten itself out, or if he’s going to need some sort of little foot surgery in the future that’s covered by my healthcare. Because that’s what matters.

Updated here.

(Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 1 Comment

hi there I love this site sooo much! thank you for creating it! I wish I would have known about it when I was pregnant. I got pregnant unexpectedly in Sept 2007. My boyfriend was surprised and happy even though we were not getting along at all. Anywase , my pregnancy was a bad one,I was hormonal in a bad way , I didnt want my body wrecked and I hated my bf so bad even though he continued to love me, Also, I was depressed as I never wanted kids but I do not belive in abortion so I decided I would give it up for adoption. Well.. as soon as I met my baby girl in June 08 my mind was changed. I fell in love right away. I am still in love with my baby angel today , she is what keeps me going everyday . her smile can bring me out of the deepest depression.. which I still have .. anywase my point in writing this is that I hope I can make someone out there who is pregnant and not wanting to be, have hope.. My sweety did not at all damage my body , and she has only made our lives so much better and worth living :)

I wear my baby stripes with honor (Karyle)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Reader's Favorite, Submissions 5 Comments

Age: 22 Years old
Pregnancies: 2 happy little girls
Childrens ages:
18 month old and 3 months old

To me, these scars to not make me ugly or disfigured. To me, they are reminders of what we as women go through to bring our children into the world. Any man who thinks stretch marks are horrible should try having an enpowering enperience like incubating, carrying, and birthing another human being. There is nothing like that experience in the world. These baby stripes that cover me from waist to ankles and my membership card into the world’s greatest club. The one’s my second daughter gave me that sneak up past my hip bones are my gold star; they say I am a dedicated mother, a special woman for embarking on that awesome journey twice.

Whenever I see them, and if they try to make me feel bad, I remind myself of the love I get from my daughters and how worthwhile it was. I’ve had people tell me I shouldn’t wear short anymore, that I should stick to pants. I tell them that if they don’t want to see my stretch marks they can look away or keep in mind that 98% of women have these honor stripes.

My badges of honor make me feel sad for those women who are airbrushed and painted and cut so they are “pretty”. To me what is pretty is the strength that a woman shows when she holds her newborn for the first time, or when she conforts a crying toddler, sends a child to school on the bus for the first time, or watches her children get married. I wear my baby stripes with honor.

When is Enough, Enough? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, No Photos (Story Only) 3 Comments

Age: 37
Numbers of pregnancies and births: 3, births 1
Child’s Age: 4

I spent my youth and 20’s overweight and hating my body. I was a size 18. During a bad break up I gained an additional 15 pounds and for the first time it looked like size 18 would be too small. I decided to try to loose enough weight to get back into my clothes. After I started loosing I kept going and went from 220 pounds to 130. I still hated my body.

I got married (and I hated the way I looked in my wedding dress). I got pregnant and felt huge (and then I realized that even in my 9th month I still weighed less than I had while overweight). I had my beautiful baby girl and felt pure joy. She would be raised to love herself. She would grow up knowing that she was beautiful. I was thrilled with everything about her, but I hated my post pregnancy body. I wanted to lose the weight. Most of it came off, but the last 10 pounds. I hated my body, I hated those 10 pounds. As a working mom I found less and less time for me. Those 10 pounds stayed and added 5 more friends. I hated my body. My mommy friends and I would both complain about how we needed to do something because we were “too chubby”. Yesterday morning my daughter woke up with an upset stomach. Her tummy was slightly bloated from gas. She rubbed her tummy and asked me “Mommy is this chubby?”

I thought I had been so careful. I thought I had only talked about my body when she couldn’t hear. I thought, I thought, I thought….All my thoughts about teaching my daughter to love herself and her body no matter what and I realized that I can’t do that unless I stop hating my body.

Needing Guidance- Finally reaching out (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Question, Submissions, Update 22 Comments

It will be a year next week that my son was born. I have kept these feelings inside for far too long. A year that I have been living in this body that I now call my own. My belly button still looks the same, saggy and loose. I still have “love” handles and flub around my waist. It still hurts too look at myself naked but at least I can hide it with clothes. I still know what lies underneath but no one else does. My little secret. What I cannot hide is my face. Since I have been breastfeeding, I have broken out in horrible cystic acne all over my face. Painful lumps under my skin. Some the size of quarters. I’ve been to the dermatologist and I have had creams and some shots but nothing seems to work. And the things that would work I cannot have because I still breastfeed. But I REFUSE to give up breastfeeding just because I have an ugly face. My son loves it too much to stop, and I just can’t cut him off, not until I know he’s ready. I cry every time I shower and wash my face. I cry when I’m naked because I realize that this isn’t a dream and I am awake and this IS my new body. I will NEVER have my old body back. I cry when I look in the mirror at my face. My face is hiding behind pustules and cysts. It hurts to make facial expressions, it hurts to talk, it hurts to see. It just hurts, and no one seems to understand my hurt. I have reached out to my “friends” but none of them seem to have body issues or face issues that I have..or at least they do an amazing job hiding it. I’m a single mom. This is suppose to be the best time of my life yet it hurts the most. I don’t even want my picture taken with my baby because I feel my face is so ugly. And stress doesn’t help it.My son’s father is the ultimate LOSER. Goes weeks without seeing his child, doesn’t offer a dime and randomly calls once a month to see him. Unemployed. Criminal history. Could possibly have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I don’t want his money. I don’t want his help as a parent; I don’t want anything from him. I just want him to go away. I want him to disappear. He offers nothing good to my son. He’s just heartbreak waiting to happen for my son as he get older. A disappointment time bomb ticking away. I HATE the fact that he’s “around”–if you can even call it that..WHY? WHY stick around?? Just GO AWAY. He’s like the pustules on my face that won’t leave. I’m at my wits end my my face, my body, and my EX. I feel so alone. I love my son with all heart but my body/face issues have really taken a toll on me and I’m afraid he will soon feel my sadness too.

I more depressed now than I have ever felt in a long time.

I don’t know what to do…

– “From Hot to Not“

The Shape of A Birthmother (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 18 Comments

20 yrs. old
1st Pregnancy, 8 months pregnant

I woke up one morning in July expecting to start my period. When I went to the bathroom and hadn’t started, I didn’t think anything of it because I am not typically regular. As the day went on with no signs of it starting, I began to worry. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was pregnant but disregarded it and went about my day. As the weeks went on I began to worry and wonder what to do. While I have always been pro-choice on the matter of abortion, I knew it was not the path I wanted to take. My boyfriend and I had not spoken in weeks and he didn’t know what was going on. I called him one morning to tell him and he just told me to stop worrying and that I wasn’t pregnant. While I knew my own body and knew something wasn’t right, I went on with my life ignoring the morning sickness, the swelling breasts covered in stretch marks, the mood swings, and pretended that I wasn’t pregnant. As the months went by, my belly started getting hard, round and hard. I was only 95 lbs to begin with and never gained weight so I knew this was it. I had to face the fact that I was pregnant. After accepting it, I called my now ex-boyfriend again. He did not work or have a job so I knew I didn’t want to keep a baby and have him in my life, that is when I began looking into adoption. During this time, I didn’t tell anyone, not my family (who I still live with) not my friends. No one knew. I was carrying around the burden alone and scared. Luckily, because I was so small to begin with I was able to wear loose clothes with no one suspecting anything. I continued going to school and working full time. I tried to stay busy to keep my mind off of everything that was going on. On Christmas Eve, I contacted an adoption agency to explain my situation. I wanted to make sure I had everything figured out before I told my family. Unfortunately, I did not get things figured out in time. On New Years day my mother looked at me and asked when I gained weight in my belly, I told her I had not worked out lately. I knew she knew, the way she looked at me for the rest of the day I could see it in her eyes. Two days later she asked me. I cried and told her, she cried and held me and asked why I had kept it from her for so long. She wasn’t angry, she was sad and hurt for me. I hadn’t told her because I didn’t want to disappoint her or my father. The days that followed were the worst days of my life. My dad was disappointed, my mom was sad, my brother was angry and my sister was scared. I went to the doctor for the first time a few days later. It turned out that I was 28 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby girl. I could not believe that I had gone 28 weeks without telling anyone. I worked and went to school and even made the Dean’s List. My parents felt so horrible because they didn’t notice, and because they didn’t help me. My dad told me that if I went through all that time alone, then I can do anything and that I’m stronger than I realize. I think he was right. Looking back on those 28 weeks I don’t know how I did it. How I got through them. But I did. I was so grateful that she was healthy and she was the right size, but still I knew I could not keep her. I did not feel a connection with the baby, I knew there are so many people out there who would give anything to be in my position. After weeks and weeks of crying with my family, I knew what I had to do. I contacted the adoption agency again and met with a family who I think is perfect to raise my little girl. As of now, I still haven’t told anyone. The only people who know are my family and the baby’s father. I don’t know if I will ever tell anyone, or if I will after I have the baby. She is due in a month and a half, and I wonder if a birthmother’s body will look the same as a mother’s body postpregnancy…

pregnancy weight gain, sex & fear (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Pregnant, Submissions 16 Comments

I found your site because I am 30 weeks pregnant and shocked that I am having such a hard time adjusting to my changing body.

I am 31 years old and this is my first pregnancy. My partner and I decided this July that we would stop using birth control. We were so in love and both felt like we couldn’t hold it back anymore. I think we both sensed the lifeforce of this baby straining at the gates we had placed up, desperate to burst through. Although we had only been together for 2 years in total with just over a year of living together at the time, neither of us had the strength or desire to resist this force any longer. Two weeks later we were pregnant! We were shocked and proud that it happened so quickly but mostly we felt really blessed. Although in some ways it would have been “easier” to have had a few months of trying-to-get-pregnant limbo to integrate the idea of a baby on the way and absorb the seriousness of what we were doing, I am well aware of how blessed we are to have had such an easy time conceiving this little being.

I have been really lucky to have had a seamless pregnancy. I was a little tired and a little nauseous initially, but it completely vanished at about 9 weeks, and then we heard the little heartbeat loud and strong at 10 weeks, which was a tremendous relief as I was really conscious of the possibilty of miscarriage. Otherwise my energy has been good and I am feeling strong and healthy. My uterus got really big really quickly–so much so that everyone was fussing about twins for ages. But then the pace of growth got on track, and tests showed that there was only one healthy baby. I have continued to grow at a nice steady pace, take my vitamins, and rub my belly with oils but mostly I have just felt like a completely normal person.

The worst part of this pregnancy has been what it has done to our sex life. We used to have a frequent, effortless and pleasurable sex life–but even more importantly, I used to feel that my partner truly
desired me. He would spend time on my body when we had sex, and demonstrate his attraction to me often–with deep kisses or crude comments or grabs at my body that I would chide him for but that also
delighted me. His desire for me delighted me.

Since I’ve been pregnant, the most frequently we have had sex is probably every 10 days and it has been as long as 3 weeks. Most of the times we do have sex it ends up feeling really unsatisfying as I feel like he is only doing it to please me as he knows how upset I am by this, and not out of his own desire. But even worse, his demonstrations of attraction and lust in our day-to-day interactions have vanished. He is still very loving and attentive to me, we have plenty of cuddles on the couch or in bed, and we easily tell each
other that we love each other as many as 20 times a day. We have more love between us than ever before, but the loss of the lust and sex has been a huge source of sadness and depression for me.

We have talked about this many times. He always says that he is still attracted to me, but I don’t believe it because I don’t see him acting on it. He also says that he is having a hard time wrapping his head around how much he loves me with a desire to have sex with me–as though sex is something dirty or negative that will tarnish me. To some extent, I am sympathetic to his own process of adjustment as our relationship changes as we become parents together, but I also want him to just grow up and realize that sex is normal and healthy and something two healthy adults that love each other can share. I wish it was as important to him as it is to me, and I wish he understood how much fear this gives me about the future of our relationship. I think sex and attraction are the glue of a relationship, and it absolutely terrifies me that we have lost it so soon—especially as we embark on this new challenge of parenting when we are going to need that glue more than ever. It just breaks my heart when I read women saying that their husbands “can’t keep their hands off them.” I so wish I had that.

This also makes me wish that we had waited longer in our relationship before having a baby. Even though we still love each other deeply, I feel very vulnerable in this relationship knowing that he isn’t attracted to me anymore. I wish we’d had more time with my old body and our old sex life to build a deeper foundation. I also wish there had been more time for him to really get to know and love me for all the non-bodily things about my personality and soul because I realize now that those things are what I really have to sustain his attention with. I know the true reasons he is with me are indeed all those non-bodily things, but I still feel so vulnerable. I can’t help but think that another year or two to enjoy and develop what we had might
have been better.

I am now 30 weeks pregnant. I have this gorgeous big belly that I astounds both of us. My breasts are huge and I know many men would be thrilled with them. These are both changes that I expected, and I
suppose that are socially sanctioned- even supermodels get a big belly & boobs. But lately I have started gaining weight on the rest of my body and noticing horrible new developments like cellulite, plus I have gained nearly 30 lbs already– and I am really struggling with this. Even though I am a midwife and deal with pregnancy every day, I honestly and sincerely never expected that I would gain excessively, or in places other than my belly & boobs. This scares me with an intensity that shocks me.

Obviously my insecurity about my partner’s attraction to me is probably a huge reason for why I am having a hard time integrating this. At this point, I have pretty much given up on forcing the sex issue as there is certainly nothing less attractive than someone demanding you find them attractive. But I feel like my hopes that he will be attracted to me again after the baby is born are dwindling with each pound and each patch of cellulite. I desperately want my man to be attracted to me again.

As well, I know that excessive weight gain is associated with all sorts of obstetrical complications that I really want to avoid both for myself and obviously for my baby, and that might prevent me from having the homebirth I have dreamed about since I was a teenager. I am mature enough to realize that if my dream homebirth doesn’t happen, then I am still blessed a million-fold to be having a beautiful baby with a man that loves me and is committed to me, but I can’t shake the sense of obstetrical doom-and-gloom that I sense as I see my legs ballooning so early on.

And the worst part is that I don’t know what I could possibly do to stop this weight gain from continuing. I eat well, have cut out sugar, walk an hour at a fast pace most days, and do yoga a couple times a week. I also try to swim a few times a week. This all feels 100% intuitively right to me–hitting the gym just doesn’t jive with my sense of what my body needs right now. So short of completely abandoning my intuition about how to take care of myself, there isn’t any room to “give” for me to slow this weight gain down. So I assume
my only choice is to just stand back and trust that my body knows what it is doing (and avoid looking at my ass in the mirror at all costs?). But how do I deal with the thoughts of panic I have when I see my
naked body? How do I deal with the thoughts about restricting my eating when I plainly know this is unhealthy and damaging to my baby? How do I accept my body and even better–learn to find the beauty in
the changes? I have been so lucky to have been blessed with a healthy body image, natural enjoyment of healthy food and exercise, and a metabolism that has let me pretty much eat whatever I want whenever I
want for my entire life up to this point. I know that most women have had to grapple with these exact questions long before they reach their 30s, and may have some of the answers before finding themselves
floored by these thoughts in the middle of their first pregnancy. But this is incredibly new territory for me and it makes me feel awful.

Update (Jill)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions, Update 1 Comment

Original entry here.

i’m now almost 6 months pp and i feel i have to update my last entry. since whining all about my unhappiness over my new mom-bod i have continued to work hard (even through the holidays!) and am happy to report my progress. i just ran my first 5k, am back into all my clothes, i’m still nursing full time, doing my pilates faithfully (i’m almost addicted, it is soo calming!), and am feeling pretty great about who i am. i still miss my smooth skin and work diligently on fading these stinking stretch marks but whatever. the lights can always be turned off right ;) also, the guys on “the biggest loser” (LOVE that show) usually have a few stretchies and i know they didn’t get those from growing a baby. spread the word, ANYONE can get them! :) sorry no new pics. my camera is being craaazy!

age: 22
first pregnancy
postpartum: 32 weeks

Updated here and here.

Staying Hopeful. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Infertility, No Photos (Story Only), PCOS, Question, Submissions 17 Comments

25 years old
I’m not pregnant, yet, nor have I ever been pregnant. I figured this would be the perfect place to come for support with infertility. My partner and I have been trying to conceive going on 2 yrs. I’m hoping that there are mothers here on The Shape of a Mother that have been through the same thing my partner and I are going through right now. Like most women, that’s one thing I look forward to is motherhood and starting a family. I am a little, or uh maybe a lot afraid that we may never have children, thinking about it gets me all teary eyed. My best friend has two children and truth be known seeing her with them, makes me just want to breakdown. While I’m so very happy for her, it’s still something I’m very sensitive and slightly jealous of I really hate saying that but it’s the truth. Hearing her talking about having more kids and looking at baby clothes when we go shopping together makes me want to curl up in a little ball and weep. I went to the gynecologist recently to talk about infertility and he put me on birth control for 3 months to try to get me ovulating regularly, I have monthly periods but my cycle is irregular. Has anyone out there had any luck with the birth control method? I also have a ultrasound scheduled in Jan, which I’m really freaking out about, they’ll be checking for PCOS. I’m hoping and praying I do not have that, but there is a chance that I might because of some symptoms. The only problem I do not have that most ppl I know with PCOS have is being overweight. I lost 70 pounds when I was 18 and I have been up and down for years, but I have stuck around 150 the last couple years. I’m really insecure about my body, because the stretch marks I have from losing weight and I joke I look like I’ve had children but I havent. I’m hoping the ultrasound can help to narrow down what it is that’s keeping us from conceiving, whether it be PCOS or nothing. so we can hopefully start our little family soon. I’m definitely trying to stay hopeful but I know in the end I’ll be devastated if I find out we cannot have children.

Feeling Destroyed (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Complications During or After Birth, Complications in Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 46 Comments

second pregnancy
first child
4 and a half months post partum
26 yrs old.

to start off , i love my daughter with everything that i have.. she makes me smile and laugh and feel complete.. she is the reason i get up in the morning these days..
now.. she is my second pregnancy but first to term. about 3 months before i got pregnant with her i had to terminate my first pregnancy due to major complication.. not being over that and getting pregnant again so soon took a toll on me emotionally… my husband was shocked and well kind of supportive.. i was excited.. but scared a i didn want to have to go through that kind of loss again.. lucky for all of us this pregnancy went better… i got horrible morning sickness and couldnt eat.. about the third month in my appitite came back and i started to enjoy eating again.. the first actual meal i finished was with my husbands family. i asked for seconds and my father in law oinked at me and called me a pig and told me to keep eating… wow i felt beyond humiliated.. time went on and i started to show.. thinking that that was a one time comment i tried to let it go.. iwas visiting with my hubby his father again.. the first thing he said to me was wow your getting fat… you would think that beingas i am his grand daughters mom he would have some respect.. these sorts of things continued.. my relationship is far from perfect and people say i should leave but i dont know if im willing to give up on my family.. my husband has said some harsh things as well.. like how long to you plan on carrying your baby weight around and when i started to balloon due to sever water retention told me that he thought stretch marks were discusting.. i know i sound like i am rambling but there are so many hurtful feelings i need to get out i cant make them make sense.. so fast forward, i get home from the hospital.. my daughter being 11 days late induced, with 22 hours hard labour forcepts and epesiotomy… it was rough and i felt it.. now pre pregnancy i was 115 pounds in the best shape of my life… i ended up 190 stretchmarks from knees to boobs .. the first words out of my father in laws mouth were holy tits and something about being fat.when i breastfeed he asks if its an all you can eat buffet.. hi this is after spending 3 days in the hospital.. thanks … after a teary first week i was feeling awesome i was happy, to tired to care about my body and loving my daughter more than anything.,… things started to go down hill from there.. i continued to bleed very heavily and my epesiotomy got very infected.. i got really sick.. i had no help either… i tried my damndest to cope … now at around a month and a half post partum my epesiotmy burst again and still bleeding and feeling like a fat ass, i was blessed with getting diagnosed with herpes simplex 1 from my husband. funny i thought you were supposed to be faithful to the woman carrying your child.. ppd hit with the force of a mack truck.. i wanted to die, i felt ruined and dirty and discusting.. my wieght wasnt going down, my body was scared, my boobs saggy celulite everywhere and that wonderful gift to top it.. now if there was support or anything less than emotional or verbal abuse, i couldnt find it.. i cried all day everyday.. couldnt take care of my kid and was an all around mess.. life .. love family wasnt supposed to be like this.. i wasnt supposed to feel like this… its now 4 and a half months pp.. i cant shop for clothes wihout getting depressed and crying.. i am stuck a t 150 with back fat huge saggy boobs, stretch marks everywhere and hsv1… my husband looks at women and picutes of perfect women and tells me how hot and sexy they are.. i cry and he doesnt get it.. he tells me he is with me not my stretch marks.. he gets mad when i tell him i feel ruined.. i hate sex now and i used to enjoy that closeness… i wont let him tough my body and cringe at the thought of it… i have never in my life felt like such a discusting piece of crap.. (by the way his fave term for me is a stupid piece of shit).. i know i should leave and find love for myself again.. but who wpuld love someone who is soo deeply scared and has hsv1… i am in couceling trying to fix my emotional self and i go to the gym but i dont know what to do anymore.. i am do sorry for the nonesence written, but i needed to get it out .. i feel so alone and un loveable..