My Own Ramblings

Happy Birthday, SOAM!

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 1 Comment

SOAM’s been around now for seven years! I can hardly believe it. Seven years of bellies and learning to love the bodies we’re in. This blog changed who I am and how I see myself. You guys changed who I am and how I see myself. Thank you for that, so much. I hope you can say the same for SOAM and the community we have here.

Here are links to some of my favorite entries from the past year.

Jan asked if you’d choose to love yourself. “We all have our own story, full of triumphs and letdowns, joy and pain. I want to ask if YOU will make a change today, if you are in a bad situation or feeling down about your appearance… because you cannot give, or get, anything valuable out of life if you do not love yourself! Will you choose to love yourself? For you are a mother.”

This post talks about our value beyond our physical selves. “I’m far from where I want to be but I know I will get there. And in the meantime, I’m a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, a good sister, and a hard worker, among other things. I am more than my skin and appearances. And so are you. We aren’t perfect, nor will we ever be, but we are who we are and we need to love us.”

Darah’s post is one of my all-time favorites. Really. Just go read it. And love yourself.

Because you deserve to. You are beautiful. You are smart and funny and loving, and your child thinks you are the best mom ever. Each little mark on your body tells your story. The marks that show how your daughter grew, the scar from where your son entered the world – they are no different than that scar from when you fell and busted your knee. They are not a judgment of your worth, they are simply another chapter in your book. You get to write the ending.

How has SOAM helped you learn to love yourself? What is your favorite thing about you? How do you help other women learn to love themselves?

You can read through more inspiring posts by looking through the categories Readers’ Favorite and Positive Body Image.

Birth Story: a Review

Bonnie (SOAM) Link, My Own Ramblings, News, Review 5 Comments

Almost twelve years ago (WHAT.) I got pregnant with my first child. At the time I was familiar with the idea of home birth since a number of my childhood friends had been born at home (I didn’t live on a commune, I swear!), but I didn’t begin planning immediately for a home birth. It was a complex mix of insurance frustrations and doctors with poor bedside manners (to put it lightly) that led me to seek out a midwife around the middle of my pregnancy (one more parenthetical phrase. just for fun). Once you’re a part of the attachment parenting/home birth/La Leche League community, you tend to hear about certain things. Ina May Gaskin and the midwives of The Farm, for one. I was recently sent a copy of the new documentary Birth Story about Ina May and how she learned to become a midwife and how she inspired a movement.

Before I go on, I want to make it clear that I know that not every mama is a candidate for an out-of-hospital birth, and that other mamas choose to birth in a hospital setting, and I’m so glad we have doctors to take care of those mamas. But there are more and more women who are making the choice to have a home birth, and there are quite a few women who don’t know they have the choice to make. This documentary is a beautiful story of what midwife-attended birth is, how it became a movement in America, and the power of an intentional community.

There is one awkward moment towards the beginning where Ina May is talking about her own history with birth and says something that felt less-than-inclusive to me. I mention this only because I don’t want to alienate mamas who might feel uncomfortable with the remark. I don’t know what the context was off-screen, and since she otherwise comes across inclusive, understanding, and loving, I assume that comment doesn’t speak for her as a person. In other words – don’t turn off the movie just yet!

The midwives in this documentary are midwives I’d choose for my births. (In fact, they remind me of the midwife I did choose for my births.) They balance current science with trust in a woman’s body. Ina May says, at one point in the film, “Your body is not a lemon.” Indeed. They protect their mamas from stress, and encourage them to find their inner strength. They laugh with you and look you right in the eyes when you need focus.

This film relies heavily on archival footage from The Farm’s history. Now, I may have an unnatural affinity towards 70’s fashion, and that may have played a role in how much I liked those old film clips, but they were also an integral part of the film. Through those clips, we get to experience a breech birth, see the Gaskin maneuver help a case of shoulder dystocia, and relive the beginnings of the community itself. Did you catch that? A breech birth. It was amazing, and I’m still high from seeing it 24 hours ago.

There is a scene where they are sitting around talking about how their hair has gone grey, and what that means for a midwife. It means respect. Instinctively, we know that older women hold the wisdom. In most of our culture we’ve lost that understanding – we do everything we can to stay looking as young as possible. But the midwives of the Farm have discovered that they are trusted more once their hair turns grey. I find that fascinating. In the most ancient of female roles, we rediscover our ancient understanding that becoming old is beautiful. Your body is not a lemon.

If you are interested in what midwives do, or the history of midwifery in modern America (and, in fact, the rest of the world, actually), I highly recommend this movie. But you don’t have to take my word for it! (Obligatory Reading Rainbow reference!) You can buy it on DVD or download it, or you can check the list of upcoming screenings to see if it’s showing in your area.

To Post or Not to Post: Tummy Tuck Stories

Bonnie (SOAM) Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, My Own Ramblings, News 40 Comments

When I started SOAM, my hope was to change what our view of normal is when it comes to the bodies of women, particularly mothers. Our current view is held only within our culture. When you look at humans from an evolutionary point of view, you would never imagine that tribal women, untouched by our culture, would ever question the way their bodies change after having children. Watching the movie Babies reinforced that idea for me. Those mamas in Africa were completely comfortable with what we aren’t. I have even seen the bodies of other mammals change after having babies. So, when it comes to the entire course of human history, our need to look a particular way seems very small, very abnormal. My hope, then, my work here, is to help get us back to understanding and accepting what is normal. What I want for future generations is for body image issues to be such a foreign topic that no one ever even considers that their body should be anything but what it is. That it becomes a non-topic.

My personal feeling is that in most cases, fixing the problem of body hate, is an internal one. Body image issues are generally a symptom of deeper self-image problems. I know that when I was younger I always believed that if I just lost x amount of weight I’d be much happier. But once there, I didn’t feel any different, actually. I was still hoping for that magic moment. I think this is true of most women. As it turns out, the magic is there within you all the time, you just don’t notice because everywhere you turn there’s another advertisement for a way to fix your problem. Of course, the most sure way to fully fix everything is to do the work; wander the forest, defeat the Wicked Witch of the West, discover that what you’ve been following is really just a little man behind a curtain. You already have the magic. The joy in this path is that you’ve learned so much more about yourself, about the world, about humanity, and about beauty.

For women who are otherwise comfortable with themselves, perhaps body image issues are tied to society’s habit of fat-shaming. The other side of the media-driven frenzy to look a particular way is that anyone who doesn’t look that particular way gets shamed. People who are overweight are considered to be lazy or slow. It isn’t exclusive to fat people, though, skinny women are often accused of having eating disorders. What fat- (and thin-)shaming is, is judgement based solely on looks. No one except a person and perhaps his or her health care provider can know for sure why that person weighs as much as he or she does.

Now that’s a long introduction to my actual intent here because what I’m about to say could easily be taken the wrong way. So before I go on, please understand that I really and truly do not judge anyone their choices. I don’t live your life, so how can I possibly know the right choice for you? So if you have made a choice that is different from the choices I, personally, would have made, please don’t feel like I think you did it wrong. Have confidence in your choice; I support you.

Here goes.

I have such a hard time with the tummy tuck posts. I never know if I should share them at all. I do it because I want every woman to have a voice. But I feel like posting them is condoning them and I don’t want to do that. Largely because I don’t think it solves the problem 99% of the time, partly because I wish more women would stand together against the bullshit ideals we’re supposed to live up to, and another, very significant part, is because I have a friend whose mother died during a tummy tuck. So it hits home.

So I’m asking you, the readers, what are your thoughts? Does allowing tummy tuck posts condone them? If so, is that right or wrong? Should I post them here or not? Why? Let me know in the comments below.

PS. I will post all comments unless they are inflammatory, or attack either side of the issue.

All you need is love. Really.

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 7 Comments

Careful use of language is very important. It’s important in your daily life, and it’s perhaps doubly important in this strange faceless world we have here on the internet. There is often language used here at SOAM that makes me feel uncomfortable in one way or another. The thing that I love about you ladies is that you aren’t afraid to lovingly point out how things can be worded differently. Usually. Sometimes it doesn’t go so smoothly. So there are some things I’d like to say here about how I run things at SOAM and how you can help.

1. I don’t edit the entries people post here. Sometimes I’ll change a misspelled word here or there, but for the vast majority of entries I leave them alone. I do this for a few reasons. Firstly because I don’t have time. But primarily because I don’t know what these women feel in their hearts and sometimes changing one word can change the entire feeling of an entry. I don’t want to risk anyone being misunderstood. Nearly all of the time that there is any possible confusion, a commenter will ask what was meant and the woman who posted will respond to clarify. My final reason for not editing is that I believe that every feeling is valid. What I want from SOAM and what I want for all women is that we come to a place where we love ourselves no matter what. But it’s a long road and not everyone is there yet. If a woman is struggling with her body image, it isn’t going to be helpful at all for her to pretend she’s totally OK with herself. She has to be able to talk about where she is at that moment, and sometimes those moments are complex or dark.

In that vein, I tend not to comment on entries very much here. You women do a great job of saying pretty much anything I would want to say, and I don’t want SOAM to become only my voice. So I moderate, but do not often participate by typing my own comment. When I do, I will usually wait to see what people have to say first.

2. When you write an entry, just like when you speak to other women, it is helpful to be very careful with your language. Don’t make generalized statements about anyone – whether you identify with the qualities you are talking about or not. Always speak from your own experience.

Likewise, when you are reading, try to remember that the woman who is writing is not writing about you. Sometimes, when people are hurting, or trying to understand the hard parts of life, we don’t always remember to be careful with our words. Psychology is so complex and these entries and comments here are such small facets of our lives, let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt until we know otherwise.

3. Vulvas are awesome. Did you know they come in all sorts of shapes and sizes? Pregnancy and childbirth do, in fact, change the way they look and sometimes the way they feel, but – barring an injury or unusual circumstance – it’s NORMAL. I was entirely unprepared for this kind of change in my body and it alarmed and upset me. Now I know it’s normal and I love my grown-up labia. The word “ruined” is thrown around here too often for my taste in regards to natural body processes. Breasts grow and shrink, bellies stretch, and vulvas darken. This is how the human body works, how childbirth works, your body isn’t ruined. It’s just different now. Just as your heart and mind are different now. Even without ever having children, these parts (and more) of our bodies will eventually change. And that doesn’t make your body ruined, either.

I am not minimizing the struggle we face every day in loving ourselves in a world where it is perfectly common to declare mama bellies ruined. It’s hard. It’s really fucking hard. I know. But you are beautiful. Really.

Love yourselves. Love the other women who post here. If you disagree, or need something cleared up, find a loving way to express that. By opening dialogue we can grow so much farther together than we can if we simply shut each other down right away. Keep on being the awesome ladies I love who make SOAM as wonderful as it is.

A young girl needs your help to save her life.

Bonnie (SOAM) Activism, Eating Disorder, My Own Ramblings, News 1 Comment

SOAM is here to help us learn how to love ourselves. Our focus here is body image after pregnancy, and we have had many mamas here talk about struggling with eating disorders. We try to learn how to love ourselves not only for ourselves, but so we can be living examples for the next generation. So when I read this story, about a family I know of through my local community of mamas, it hit close to my heart.

We have this chance right now to help one girl survive and, someday, to thrive. But if we can help her to live and to beat this disease, we will have made a difference in the world.

Please, take a moment to read her story and to donate something to help save her life. Do it for your daughters, for yourself, for all women who struggle with eating disorders on any scale.

And Then We Were Six

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 2 Comments

Six years ago today, while my then four year old took a nap, I hoisted the baby onto my hip, set the camera timer and took this picture:

I put it on a blog and begged my friends to participate by sending me their own photos and to share the link with other bloggers and moms they knew. I wasn’t sure anything would ever happen with it. But then it did. Massively. Even six years later I haven’t gotten over how amazing that first month was. I don’t think I ever will. It was incredible to see the world come together to say, “YES. Let’s show each other how normal we are! And how we can love that about ourselves!” Seeing all those women so thirsty for the knowledge that they were not alone completely changed me in ways that I had expected, but to a degree I could not have hoped for.

So thank you. All of you. Again and always. Thank you for being here, for making SOAM what it is.

Here are three of my favorite entries (for various reasons) from the past year.

Surfin’ Mama (Gia)
Bearing It (Christina Plant)
They say it takes nine months… (Anonymous)

SOAM in the media this week – and an apology for the technical difficulties.

Bonnie (SOAM) In the Media, My Own Ramblings, News 1 Comment

I already mentioned here a little over a week ago that SOAM appeared in the Daily Mail recently. If that wasn’t exciting enough, it was then picked up by numerous other sources (listed below). Unfortunately too much interwebz luv can crash a website and I’ve had quite the journey this past week into technical-land (which every cell in my body fears) and had to figure out how to handle that. We tried a couple of things, but it’s taken us until today to get it totally solved. But! It’s solved! (Which means it’s probably time to contact Oprah.) If you are still having trouble seeing the site it’s because *some technical words here* and should resolve soon (also I think you can clear out your cache or something).

Thanks to everyone who made this last week amazing. Websites writing articles or posts, people submitting entries or sharing their thoughts here, and those who read and passed the link on. I never imagined this would become as big as it has when I started it all those years ago and it will never get old to me to see it changing things worldwide. Because of you I have hope that we will really make a change in how bodies are viewed. You are beautiful in all your shapes and sizes.

I also need to thank Reliable Webs for helping me navigate the entire process. They’ve been my web host since 2006 and have always been amazing. If you need hosting, I recommend them.

Is This What Being a Mom Really Looks Like? – Yahoo Shine
The Daily Shot (in which an actress who was IN OFFICE SPACE talks about SOAM. Dude.) – also Yahoo Shine
The Real Shape of a Mother – AOL UK’s Parentdish
SOAM: Attention Getter – Huffington Post Canada
SOAM: What Real Women Look Like After Having a Baby – Babyology

SOAM in the Daily Mail

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 7 Comments

Looky! The Daily Mail did an article on SOAM! I love the UK. I think they’ve featured SOAM more than any other country, including my own.

I do want to mention, though, that in the article they say: “Bonnie Crowder says she wants to fight back against the pressure from celebrity mothers…” And I feel like that’s not really true, and certainly not something I’ve ever said. To have such an attitude keeps us, as women, still divided from each other. In reality I assume that celebrities struggle just as much as we do with body image – perhaps more so because they are constantly picked apart by everyone. SOAM is for all moms. Celebrities and not. We are all women and we need to stand together. It may be true that celebrity moms have more resources to make their bodies fit into something that is sometimes called “conventionally beautiful,” but I imagine that, emotionally, we all struggle with the same issues. I would have preferred it if those putting the article together had said, “Bonnie Crowder wants to fight back against the pressure from society.”

I sense that the UK has a sensitivity to the friction between celeb moms and those who aren’t famous. It seems to me (as an American) that they talk about the subject more than we do here. Which is good in a lot of ways. I think American media is one step behind in even noticing that there’s an issue. (That’s probably also why the UK has done more with SOAM than the US has.) Also, this article was put together pretty fast – I only was contacted about it this afternoon – so they may have made some assumptions that seemed reasonable to them. While I want them to take the next step and stop dividing us from other women (in this case celebs vs. not), I am glad they talk about the issue.

Thanks to those who made the article happen over at the Daily Mail. And thanks to those moms whose pictures appear in it and who responded so quickly to me this afternoon. You all totally made my day!