First Pregnancy

It hurts to look at myself, but not at my son. (Steph)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions 8 Comments

I was 22 when I had my first and only child. I had a pretty textbook pregnancy besides measuring weeks ahead. Before pregnancy I was at my heaviest – 104kg. I had no hope that I would ever fall pregnant but it happened. My beautiful 10lb son Maximus was born by emergency Cesarean on the 1st of January 2013. Due to his large size I was unable to give birth naturally – My first feeling of failure. I breastfed for three months until it became too much to feed such a big eater. Following the cesarean I had found out that my stitches had ripped open and caused a nasty painful infection – My second feeling of failure. I fell into postnatal depression and the very cry of my son would drive me to the verge of suicide – My third feeling of failure. In the year following I have lost weight – down to 89kg (the lightest I have been since the age of 15) but still cannot bear looking at myself in the mirror let alone anyone else seeing my stomach. Does this feeling ever subside? I dont feel like I will ever be happy until I can afford a tummy tuck. I even work out at the gym and find that I never feel truly satisfied due to my over hang and stretch marks. Its taken a great deal of courage to submit this story but Im hoping this will be my first feeling of overcoming failure.

Welcoming Our Twins (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Prolapse, PUPPP Rash, Submissions, Twins 9 Comments

Age: 34
Pregnancies/births: 1/2
Age of children: 8 months

I found out I was carrying twins when I had a scan at 6 weeks because of some pain and bleeding. Turns out it was my uterus stretching quickly because there were two of them in there! Even at that early stage they located two heartbeats, although the babies were like tiny kidney beans on screen. The ultrasound tech had been called in at short notice because it was a Sunday in the ER (my health anxiety got the better of me), and I’m not saying anything either way but he kind of smelled like whisky. Anyway it was a really fun session once I stopped laughing hysterically and shaking (“what do you mean there’s TWO EGG SACS?!!”), he took a load of pictures for me and explained what everything was and I was sent home to break the news to my husband. He actually laughed as well which was something of a relief.

One of the nicest things about being newly pregnant with twins was that I didn’t have to wait very long until I started to show. One of the other nicest things was that I first felt a tiny kick at 15 weeks; I was so excited! I found it difficult that I didn’t feel confident to exercise, as I’m usually pretty active. I didn’t want to ride my bike or rock climb; I know that some women continue to do both until quite late in pregnancy but I was too worried about having an accident. I love to hike and continued to do that until I got pretty big.

I ate a LOT in the first trimester as I’d read that gaining 25lb by 25weeks was a good way to ensure that your babies would get a great start on their weight gain. Subsequently I got a great start on my own weight gain! I started at 130lb which I felt was slightly overweight for me (but probably isn’t – I was constantly working on losing that “last five pounds”). By the time the twins arrived I was over 200lb, I stopped weighing myself about 10 days before they got here because it was mildly terrifying. So, I gained 70+ lb, partly because I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and hospitalized at 35 weeks. The preeclampsia made me retain a lot of fluid and added to my weight gain.

I wasn’t severely preeclamptic and my blood pressure never got too high (no medication), but I had a horrible case of PUPPS rash (aka Satan incarnate) and it was the hottest summer since about 1411 and the hospital didn’t have air con. I spent most of my days stark naked, standing in my bay on the prenatal ward with the curtain drawn round and my arms held out at my sides (I couldn’t bear any of my own skin to touch myself, that’s how itchy the PUPPS was), scaring the staff when they popped their heads around the curtain. Seriously most of them had never heard of PUPPS, I felt like some sort of teaching aid.

The hospital wanted to induce me which I was dead set against as I was scared it wouldn’t work properly and I’d end up with a c-section, or it’d work too well and the contractions would be too intense and I’d end up with an epidural and then with a c-section (did I mention the health anxiety?). As it turned out my waters broke at 2am when I was 36 weeks, and our girls were born naturally 17 hours later. My husband and my mum were amazing. Labour was more painful than I hoped but nowhere near as painful as I feared. I’d wanted a water birth at home with no pain relief and giving birth in theater while hooked up to a continuous fetal monitor wasn’t exactly the plan but considering the circumstances it was the safest and best outcome possible. No drugs apart from beta blockers to lower my blood pressure, and a vaginal delivery, which I had very much wanted.

I’ve struggled since the birth with my body image. I’m still 20lb overweight and the skin on my belly will never be the same. My breasts have dropped (they went up to a G cup so it’s not surprising!), but I remind myself how lucky I am to have been able to beast feed my girls. I never really liked my boobs that much but I did love my flat, smooth stomach and I do get sad when I look at it now. I’m 5’ 6” and I carried the girls straight out in front, and the skin was stretched beyond repair. It’s wrinkly and crepey and I have a diastasis so my belly sticks out and I still look pregnant. My stretch marks are very fine and pale and hardly noticeable, which I’m grateful for. I wasn’t prepared for the extent of the changes to my body and have found it hard to deal with – my husband tells me that he still finds me attractive but it’s difficult for me to see how he can.

The hardest thing for me to cope with has been the multiple prolapses I suffered since the birth. I have a cystocele and a rectocele (my bladder and rectum both bulge into my vagina); luckily I don’t have problems with incontinence but I do feel uncomfortable most days. It’s been difficult for me to return to exercise. I love to climb, hike, cycle and backpack, and I worry that I won’t be able to do those things in the future. The backpacking is especially hard to think of losing. My husband and I have done many long trips of two or three weeks duration during which we walked for 15-20 miles a day up mountains while wearing 25lb backpacks – right now I can’t imagine a time when my pelvic floor will be able to take that kind of strain, and it kills me. I cry about the prolapse often. I wish that people talked about this issue more because I wasn’t even really aware that it could happen to me until it did and it was a horrible shock. I know that I need to be patient for a while longer as a lot of healing happens in the first year after birth and I don’t yet know what the final outcome will be, but it’s hard and I get scared.

My girls are beautiful, healthy and I love seeing them change every day. I couldn’t have imagined how much I would love them (and I imagined that I would love them a lot!). As I said I wish that prolapse was more widely discussed as I feel that I would have done a few things differently if I’d known that it affects up to 50% of women. I would give anything for the changes to my body to be merely cosmetic and external. I am hoping against hope that if I continue to lose weight and do my kegels religiously then I might eventually be fairly symptom free, although I know that prolapse is lifelong. I am very much hoping to avoid surgery.

The first picture is my stomach at about 6 weeks pregnant, second is me at 8 months post partum. Third is a close up of my stomach post partum, and fourth is a side view. Fifth and sixth are our gorgeous girls :)

New Mommy (Avery’s Mom)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

I had a beautiful little girl three weeks ago, she is the light of mine and my husbands lives. We tried for almost a year to get pregnant before we did and when it happened it was the best feeling in the world, when I had her we fell so madly in love with her but as many women I felt my body was destroyed, it’s not as great as it was I’m still 30lbs heavier than I was before and feel as if I’m so unattractive some days. Some days I feel good and others I feel like it looks bad. I have a hard time letting my husband see me naked still.. The stretch marks don’t bother me but it’s the excess skin.. I know it will eventually go away and my daughter is well worth what my body has been through.. Just nice to have support from others that know how it feels!

17 Days Post-Cesarean (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 10 Comments

Second pregnancy, one m/c at 16 weeks, one birth by cesarean 17 days ago, age 27, yes to media use, please post from anonymous and do not include email address.

Today I am 17 days post c section and feeling good physically. I have the sweetest, most adorable baby and couldn’t be happier as a new mom!

After having a miscarriage years ago, I wondered if I would have a child and now, sitting here next to my little precision miracle just listening to him breathe, I realize how truly blessed I am. He is a gorgeous reminder of the blessings I have been allowed in this life.

After becoming very ill, I was forced to sustain an induced labor that resulted in failure to progress due to having a small pelvis. I endured 30+ hours of labor and then was ordered to have an emergency c section. The c section news was, at the time, scary but I trusted what was happening and only wanted my little baby to be safely delivered. So, all plans dissolved and a new plan took over. I delivered via c section and life began.

It’s been crazy since he birth of my baby with trying to recover from my own personal illness plus the surgery but I feel better. The first week was awful but I forced myself forward. In fact, I was up visiting my baby in the nicu just two hours after my delivery. The days were hard and getting up was harder but I made it.

Today, I am trying to decide if my scar is healing okay. I had my staples out ten days post op and today is the 17th day since the c section. Pre pregnancy I weighed between 110-114 and on the day of delivery I was at 142. The day my staples were removed, I had lost down to 123 and today, I am at 119. My tummy has gone down but the incision has me bummed. I have always had a flat belly and now, there is a swollen like area just above the scar that makes me just cringe. I feel guilty for concerning myself with it but still cannot help it. Will this pudge above the scar ever go away?? Or do I accept this shelf like area?

Here are the current pics…

Struggling With My Stomach! (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 15 Comments

I’ve just found this site after searching for many online like it, I must say it has opened my eyes to see just how many other women have issues about their post birth bodies.

I am 18 years old, I had my son at 17 years old via emergency c section. I weighed 8st 9lb when I got pregnant and by the end of pregnancy had put on 49lbs (3 1/2st). He is 13 months old now, and I feel for this amount of time my stomach should look better than it does now, I still look pregnant. Obviously I knew my body would change however I wasn’t prepared for the battering that this would take on my confidence and my relationship. My body in the least selfish way possible affects many areas of my life. The appearance is the usual, stretch marks and stuck out belly, however having diastasis recti to quite a bad degree it has left my belly button caved in and this awful wrinkling above and below the belly button. As I say I still look pregnant just relaxing however when I contract tummy muscles in (doesn’t hurt at all) I look slim again (just creates more wrinkling) but with clothes on you obviously can’t see this so that’s how I walk round all of the time pulling in my muscles. It’s a shame I think I have to do this. Don’t know if anybody can relate ? If there’s hope?

I do want surgery however I am young and want another child in 4 years + time, so I didn’t want to pay for surgery and then get pregnant and something happen to need it again. It’s just living with it day to day in the mean time.

1 Year Post and Feeling Low. Belly Won’t Go! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 5 Comments

My age- 22
Number of pregnancies- 1

Hi I was always very skinny before getting pregnant with my son, I had him nearly a year ago now very quick labour an hour and a half after bleeding a lot and needing to be induced he was born as beautiful as i imagined and weighed 6pound 9ounces. After a few days my stomach was nearly flat again I was so happy as I had been trying so hard to eat properly while pregnant to be sure I didn’t put weight on. But without realising it and not eating no different the next thing I know I have this huge belly and people are constantly asking me when my baby is due, I went to a theme park last week and a man wouldn’t let me on a ride as be said I was pregnant even after I said no he still said are you sure, you look ready to drop! As you can imagine my confidence was gone and I just wanted to go home! I have been out of a friends birthday recently and with an alcoholic drink in my hand somebody said congratulations! It’s really beginning to get me down! I’ve been to the doctors who said I have polycystic ovary syndrome although I didn’t think I had any of the symptoms. It’s like my stomach is constantly bloated and when I sit down it goes to flab, it’s a perfect rounded stomach when I’m standing! Does anybody have any advice for me? How can I loose this I’ve tried everything I exercise daily and eat really well. I even tried the 3 shakes a day with nothing else that didn’t even work! I wouldn’t change having my son for my world as he’s my everything I just wish I could have a nice body and my beautiful son.

(Shantel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 11 Comments

Number of pregnancies 3 births 1 age 25

So it’s been almost 2 years since I last posted on here. My son is 2 years old and a few months. Im sure no one will remember me from back then so I will just start from the beginning! I had my son at 23 c section he was 9 lbs 3 ounces. I didn’t gain a whole lot of weight during the pregnancy but my belly was gigantic. My stomach was stretched beyond repair. I’ve been struggling with this everyday since I had him.

Now I am 4 months pregnant with my second baby and I hope to god it doesn’t get worse or that all my hard work won’t be undone because I have put a lot or sweat money and tears into looking as good as I do now which sadly isn’t very good :(

Anyway I will start with a few photos from last year (some will be fully nude)

012414-shantel-1

This is about a year after having him

These were a few months ago

And now from today as I am pregnant

012414-shantel-6

I think I look great with clothes on

012414-shantel-7

I just wish I could feel the same confidence in the bedroom!

And one of me and my son

012414-shantel-8

Feeling Guilty (Ori)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 13 Comments

Age: 22
Pregnancies/births:1/1
Other categories: Postpartum, Belly, Belly, Breasts or Body Art, First Pregnancy, PPD

Having been at the hospital a few times the week that I gave birth, when we went in around 11:30 pm concerned about bleeding they took their time.
Apparently, I was dilating, causing blood.
They sent me home a centimetre dilated. They had offered me drugs for the pain, but I was convinced that I could breathe through everything, set on a drug-free, natural birth. We were back at 2 am because I could NOT handle the pain anymore. I could barely stand up to put my shoes on, let alone hop up in the truck without vocalizing the contractions. And again, because I had been there so /many/ times, the nurses took their sweet time, while I was groaning loudly in the little room..
A half hour later, someone finally came in to check how far I was and they started scrambling. I was 6 cm dilated. I have an extreme phobia to needles and they came in with no warning and told me they needed to do blood work.
I lost it.
I could not breathe anymore.
I was scared.
I tensed up and everything started to hurt more.
And THEN they came in with the IV and the gas.. I didn’t get a choice in anything. Drug-free went out the window.. They shoved the gas mask on my face to make me breathe slower. The room got brighter, my voice sounded lower… I was stoned, straight out. Because of the “need” for all of these needles, my dad had to come in. Before, I figured everything would be weird with anyone but my boyfriend in the room. My father and his wife were in the delivery room for everything. Before they made it to the hospital, the nurses were politely getting me higher and higher, making me breathe with the gas mask through every contraction and decided to have me walk to the delivery room. I don’t know how that seemed like a good idea when I couldn’t walk from the wheel chair we used to get their to the bed.. But alas, we made it into the delivery room and I crawled onto the bed.. They asked me if I wanted an epidural and I thought, “Screw it, drug free is out the window anyways, may as well take everything they’ve got.” So we waited for the anaesthesiologist and when he arrived EVERYONE had their hands on me. He hit a nerve in my back and I jolted, instantly there was a migraine, and he had to move everything and do it again. My step mom was holding the cloth over my eyes, my boyfriend was trying to hold my hand on the right side, my dad was playing with my hair and on the left side the nurse was death gripping my arm and my leg. They placed the mask on my face with the elastic o no one had to hold it. Getting claustrophobic, I moved the mask to my forehead, and that was then holding my cloth up. The nurse to my left kept telling me to push three times during contractions and I couldn’t get her to shut up. I just nodded and said “mhm.” My dad tried telling me that I could do it if I tried. “You get knocked up and then you can tell me what to do,” was my response. Somewhere in the midst of everything, I’d told my boyfriend that if he ever tried touching me again he was dead. I had also said that “these contractions are dicks, you think you’re good and then it’s there.” Twenty minutes after the anaesthesiologist had given me the first needle and the wonderful migraine that I am still paying for, he came back for the second part of the epidural. He stood there for a minute and turned around. It was too late.. I had already been pushing and the baby was almost out. During contractions, I was throwing up in my mouth. Choking on vomit, it’s hard to keep pushing. They told me just to let it go, because it had gone on for about 45 minutes. I opened my mouth and tried not to choke it down. The first contraction that came with that I projectile vomited right into my doctor’s mouth. My father was trying not to laugh and said that vomit made him sick, and turned around for a snicker. I saw my doctor rush to the sink and heave a couple of times and spit before she came charging back and got right in there to “help” me. She placed her fingers inside of my vagina and tried to help stretch my perineum and labia to prevent tears. I shrieked louder every time she touched me. I was already very sensitive, the epidural hadn’t kicked in at ALL and there was no numbing going on. At all. I looked down and saw the baby’s head coming out of me. That’s not an image I can wipe away from my retinas. “Ew” was all I could say… Everyone aside from my boyfriend and parents, was saying “Do it for the baby, you are that much closer to being a mom.” All I could do is say, “Fuck.” I never wanted to be a mom. Ever. With the final pushes they put the baby on top of me. I looked down, said, “Gross.” And looked away. My boyfriend didn’t want to cut the cord. He considered it for a moment but after he said no my dad was already getting in there to do it, so he backed off. The doctor kept putting her hand in the way and my dad is blind in one eye. The cutting of the cord was successful, no hands were sliced. So, now they came to give me stitches, and I lost feeling in my right leg, thanks to the half-ass epidural. They kept telling me it’s not that bad, I won’t feel it, I didn’t tear that badly. So, obviously, I asked if we could skip the stitches.
I was told no, I won’t feel a thing, they will freeze it. I felt the freezing needle go into my vagina.. The freezing didn’t seem to take effect and I felt every stitch go through, and the thread being pulled through my skin.
Anyway, I had a baby girl, that I was instantly ignored for, for three hours in the hospital.. My boyfriend was wanting a girl and we didn’t find out the gender, but I still would have liked to have his hand to hold or something.. Two hours later, because of my bum leg, we got to move to the mother/baby ward. My boyfriend spent the night in the chair beside the bed.. I could not sleep due to the spinal headache that I had acquired from the epidural that I didn’t need. But any time that I had even dosed off, I had to get up to feed or change the baby. And he was passed right out, not waking up for anything. He left for work in the morning and right on cue, someone came in trying to tell me that a doctor had ordered bloodwork that morning from me because I’m pale. I have an iron deficiency.. I’m naturally very pale.. I was exhausted and upset and hungry.. I wasn’t going to have colour. Luckily, MY doctor just happened to be in the area and told them to leave it be and let me take my vitamins. The nurses then started giving me T3’s, knowing that I was breastfeeding, and assuming that I was still in high school. They actually had asked me about high school. The baby was sleeping a lot and jaundiced and not feeding well because she would not wake up. I didn’t know that it was the T3’s until I went to the pharmacy to get something to help with the spinal headache as I refused to get a blood patch. No more needles for me, thanks… A few more days consistently taking T3’s and the baby may have just not woken up..

Well, now I am 12 days postpartum and feeling really alone, inadequate and guilty.
I feel guilty because I can’t seem to appreciate how lucky I KNOW that I am. I still haven’t accepted the fact that I was pregnant, and now I’m a parent.. I have a hard time calling my boyfriend a father and I can’t see myself as a mother..

Reasons why I know I’m lucky:
-no cravings during pregnancy
-no swelling during pregnancy
-no morning sickness
-no fatigue
-25 lb weight gain during pregnancy
-lost 15 lbs instantly after pregnancy
-5 hour labour, with 2 labial stitches, perineum still fully intact
-very content baby, sleeps well, not fussy
-huge support system (6 siblings, 8 nieces and nephews, parents, grandparents, friends, and my boyfriend)
-my tattoos survived, and have few stretchmarks between my legs, on my breasts and on my sides
-I am breastfeeding with no problems
-I ate what I wanted when I wanted to and still had a healthy baby
-I went clubbing at 7 months pregnant for a stagette and had more fun than the bride

Reasons why I feel guilty:
-I know I’m ungrateful of all of the above
-my boyfriend does nothing but irritate me and he is just trying to help
-getting jealous of the baby
-I feel like I’m just going through the motions of motherhood, I have no attachment to the baby
-smiling and pretending everything is okay because I got enough lectures about being pregnant when I never wanted to be
-I dealt with prenatal depression before the baby and ensured my boyfriend everything would be okay when I wasn’t pregnant anymore, it’s not..
-I’ve already had horrible thoughts of things I could do to the baby to not be a parent
-I’ve thought about leaving in the middle of the night
-I feel deformed and disgusting and helpless but I don’t feel like I can say anything
-I can’t find anything that doesn’t outline how beautiful birth is, how much love I should feel and how I should cherish these moments and I don’t feel that way at all.. I hated being pregnant, I cried for a week when I found out and never came to terms with it
-I know I don’t look “bad” but it’s a big change from what I’m used to, and not as good as I would like..
-I went up 5 jean sizes and can’t do anything about that

Ori is not my real name. This is an anonymous post.. I just need to get this out SOMEwhere where I’m not slapping my loved ones in the face.. And hopefully, someone else might feel this way, read this and not feel so alone..

If I Love My Daughter, I Have to Love Myself (Hope)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breastfeeding, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

My name is Hope, I’m 24 years old and I had my first child this July. I had a truly empowering and beautiful natural childbirth at a birth center, and my baby is absolutely gorgeous! For the first couple months after having her, I was very unhappy with my body. I thought that is was gross, abnormal, etc etc. My wonderful boyfriend always told me how beautiful I was, and not in a demeaning sort of way (I think that they whole “I love you because you made our child” this is crap–yeah it’s true, but it also sounds like you’re saying “you’re not actually pretty, but because of our pre-existing relationship I think you are” ), he unequivocally called me beautiful. I’m starting to believe and understand this. I know just how strong I am, and how strong my body is. I pushed out a baby that weighed almost 9 pounds, after about 24hrs of labor, all on my own. I’m a superhero! And if I am going to love my little girl, no matter he size or shape, then I have no excuse but to love myself.

I am now 4 months post-partum, and still 10-15 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. but my baby and my boyfriend both love the soft mom snuggles that my new body can give them.

I feel for the women who come here to commiserate in their sadness and deflated self-opinions. I think that they are subverting what could be a revolutionary movement, and turning it into something that only serves to reinforce the overly strict ideals of beauty that we are trying to correct! Remember that learning to love yourself starts with positive affirmations– say it even if you don’t believe it!

Body pics are 4mo post-partum, not sure on the BF photo.

The Body I’ve Always Wanted to Change

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 11 Comments

Age:20
Numbers of Births/Pregnancies: 1

I am currently 2 months and 8 days postpartum. I was a tiny girl in high school and even then I always felt fat like I needed to lose weight, and the only time I felt pretty was when I wasn’t eating at all and exercising excessively. Then I got into college and I got confident somewhat, but I still exercised and ate healthy and remained tiny. Well after all the work of becoming confident I fell in love with the man of my dreams and I got pregnant, I wouldn’t change my life for anything and I love my little family but it really knocked my confidence into the ground once I saw my body afterwards. I’m only two months postpartum and was told by the nutritionist that I need to lose 25lbs, (I gained 55 in pregnancy). So not only do I feel like I look fat but I have others telling me to lose 25 pounds! I’m trying to stay positive and tell myself I can do it but I don’t know how to do that with everything going on in my life. My boyfriend says I’m beautiful and that I don’t really look like I changed but I see different. My whole life there has always been something about myself that I’ve wanted to change and I’m tired of that unsatisfied feeling. I want to feel beautiful and look beautiful to others. I want to wear a bikini this summer and have people ask me how I did it! My mom bounced back so well, she had no stretch marks and looked like she didn’t have one child when she actually had 3. I just wish that all women would be defined as beautiful not just the super tiny ones. One thing I do love about my post pregnancy body is the curves, but if it’s possible to get smaller I’d feel better I think.