First Pregnancy

My Story (Erin)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breastfeeding, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

I am a 23 year old mother to 5 month old Claire. My journey began with the heartaching realization that at this young age, I have fertility problems. Fighting not only with doctors who would help diagnose and treat a young woman with PCOS (polycystic ovaries) but also fighting with myself, with my body- for failing me. I felt cheated… My body was a place of disgust and distrust. Throughout my fertility journey- I had to learn to see it in different light. To be kinder to this woman in the mirror… to learn to love her, because she was going through an awful heartache yearning for her babe.

Moons later, we conceived our first babe… I was shocked and also terribly scared to be happy. So afraid that since it was hard to get pregnant- I expected nothing to come easy… But soon my belly grew, my body stretched and gave way to LIFE.

These images are so many things to me… I feel awfully proud when I look at them, because I see the same woman said and wrote such heart wrenchingly sad things about that body… I see the woman who started learning to accept her flaws. I see a young woman who is happy, confident, and strong… who carried, gave birth, and nourishes this delicious little babe. I see someone beautiful.

At moments, I feel incredibly vulnerable about these images. But I feel like they hold power- and I hope mostly- that they will help someone else to feel a little bit more compassionate towards their perfectly imperfect body.

This story was featured over on Glamour Magazine!

Fire Marks Almost Four Years Later (Cheri)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

In two weeks my moon face girl will four years old. I remember being madly in love with her father and asking the Goddess to let us have a child if it were meant to be. 9 months later there she was. I don’t recall the birth much due to a sedative they gave me during labor which had a side effect of temporary amnesia. I do recall the first time I saw my postpartum belly. Looking down at it and saying “what the hell is that?”. No one had prepared me. In the next few months I struggled with severe post postpartum depression. Every day remains a struggle. Some days I think I’m smoking hot. Other days I’m embarrassed to be in my own skin. I don’t think I began to feel comfortable with my stomach until the day I got a free massage and apologized to my yoga teacher who was studying to be a massage therapist for my stretch marks. She looked baffled and told me she thought they were beautiful and that they reminded her of fire. I took her words symbolically to heart and try my best to think of them as marks of power that carved the gift the universe bestowed upon me. Some days are still a struggle. Especially with a divorce now in the works between moon face girl’s papa and I. For a while, I didn’t believe anyone but my daughter when they told me I was beautiful. Some days I still don’t. But how can I not think this body that birthed my amazing child isn’t beautiful? She’s awesome. She is worth every mark and every cup size I have fluctuated these past years. Every that came from her has brought meaning to my life… She inspired my career path. She continues to inspire me. These marks and saggy breasts are a reminder of her. It’s a reminder that no mater what I do or where I go she’ll be with me forever. Pictures included are breasts, stomach close up, stomach sucked in, and a slightly not so close up of stomach and body…

Age:23
Pregnancies:1 Births:1
Child’s age:4 in two weeks.
Postpartum: 4 years in two weeks.

My Body the Hand Grenade (Suzi)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Age: 28
Number of pregnancies and births : 1
Age of my child : 14 months
Height and weight before pregnancy 1.60 cm tall & 49 kilos.
Weight after pregnancy: 45 kilos

I found out that I was pregnant in the beginning of Febuary in 2009. It came as a suprise to both me and my boyfriend but we decided to keep it since both of us took the stance that it was supposed to happen.
Being pregnant was never easy for me and I really loathed it. I think a big missconception about being pregnant is that it is something every single woman love and is emotionally and physically prepared for from the get go. Its just a thing that girls are born with. For me being pregnant was hard emotionally and I felt so horrible as a person that I wasnt one of those who loved it. Everyday of my pregnancy I struggle with my emotions . I felt really hideous eventhou I didnt gain alot of weight or got any stretch marks on my belly but the stretch marks on my hips (I’ve had them since I was 14 simply because I developed very fast during a period of two months) was itching like crazy and became red and irratated. All in all I gained about 9 kilos but it was hard on my body since Im not a big girl from the beginning.
My belly didnt grow big except for the two last months of the pregnancy and even then it was not considered big BIG. My mother in law even joked that baby must be hiding really far back clinging to my spine since I was still considered tiny for being 8 months pregnant :). I gave birth to my beautiful son on October 19th. The delivery took three hours and went well. I dropped most of the gained weight during the delivery so I had about two or three kilos left to shed afterwards. However when I looked at myself and my body in the mirror I was completly shell shocked in a very negative way and Im still down that road. Somehow the pregnancy and the difficulties I had with the pregnancy plus being without emotional support gave me a very disturbed body image and triggered a massive amount of hatred against how I look. I am struggling every day with trying to see something beautiful with my body and my looks but Im drawing blank. I’ve never had any issues with that when I was younger , I had a very healthy and postive view on myself, but this is really getting to me. When I see my body I see so many flaws and imperfections and it doesnt matter how much Im working out I cant see any concrete results (which I guess is because I’ve been staring myself blind plus being so full of hate against my outer shell). One of my biggest fears is that I will never grow to love my body and that I will never feel like my own person again. My boyfriend , husband to be , loves my body and tells me every day that he thinks Im the worlds most beautiful girl and that he thinks my body is smoking. I so wish I could see myself through his eyes. My biggest fear is that I will never love my body or feel like my own person again.
I am so happy that I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful , smart and amazing little boy and a positive thing I’ve learned through the whole thing is , like the title of my story says, to never ever underestimate how powerful a womans body is.

16 Months Postpartum (Tessa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 12 Comments

Previous entry here.

It is over 6 months later, and since my previous entry I’ve only been able to lose 10 lbs. My husband has had surgeries, I picked up a second job and am working 45 or so hours, 6 days a week. I cannot afford a gym membership, and wouldn’t have the time to spend at one. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve committed to getting more active and losing 10 lbs by April 18th. I’ve joined a Biggest Loser contest at my workplace to help motivate me. It is a struggle every day to find time to be active when there are so many more responsibilities – cleaning house, dishes, laundry (I cloth diaper as well), cooking and bedtime routines. After all this, I have sometimes 1 hour to myself before it is my own bed time. I’ve started 30 Day Shred and am doing it every other day. I also mix it up with some of P90X workouts. I find myself absolutely energized, in a better mood, and looking at my body in a more positive light after a workout.

I will never have a bikini body again. I have “twin skin” as I gave birth by cesearean to a 9 lb 13 oz baby – he was big enough to be two babies! My belly button is no longer, it is nothing but a hole hidden in the saggy skin and crease in my stomach. My stomach will never be smooth and nice to the touch ever again. Sometimes I find myself really missing how my husband used to run his fingers over my pre-baby belly. He loves me, he says I’m beautiful, he doesn’t ever dream of looking at another woman, he despises the pressure on women to have a perfect body, but the fact remains: he does not run his hand over my belly anymore. It is the section of my body that he avoids when we are intimate. I’ve never told him I’ve noticed, because I don’t blame him and I don’t want him to feel guilty.

99% of the time, although I am displeased with my body, I don’t feel immensely sad or depressed about my shape or weight. I guess the really only times I get really, really down about my body is when I’m shopping and pass by a really thin, great looking mom pushing a 5 month old around in a cart. I always ask myself “Why did *I* have to be so fat and ugly after a baby? Why couldn’t I have been one of the lucky ones to just bounce back?”

I really do not care so much about stretch marks or a little bit of loose skin.. my problem is the excess weight (which can be fixed) and the twin skin (which can’t be fixed short of surgery, which I’d never do). I’m young (20), this is my first child, I was so thin before… I used to think only people who have had twins or triplets, or 6 babies, looked the way I do.

Updated here.

Scared Mother 25 Weeks (Mini)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Pregnant, Question, Submissions 7 Comments

~Age: 19
~Number of Pregnancies: 1st One

This is my first pregnancy and I have always been a little bit self concious. I do everthing I can to make sure after birth I have my good body again far as jogging and applying lotion on my stomach. I kind of scared. All that matters is that I have a HEALTHY baby boy really. But what else can I do to get tha flat stomach?

Breast Envy (Kerry)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 23 Comments

1 pregnancy/birth 20 months pp
Age 20
34b to 42 D to 34b

So I posted at 1 year postpartum and was pretty sure I would not post again until I was pregnant or pp with my second child, (we are going to start trying in the fall!) but I’ve been having some insecurities with my breasts lately, which I never thought would happen, so I came here for support. I never thought I would care what my breasts looked like because to me they were simply for nourishing my children and up till a few months ago I didn’t care what they looked like. Before I got pregnant they were small but I didn’t care. I never wore a bra and loved how perky they were. Now if I don’t wear a bra I feel 60. I do not hide them, nor am I ashamed, but I’d just like to know there are more momma’s out there with “droopy” breasts like mine. I am still breast feeding and they are smaller than they were before I got pregnant! I am a little apprehensive about what they will look like after baby #2, or even 3. Did any of you experience this? Will there even be any boob left? lol I just bought my first push-up bras ever last week! When I stand sideways you see rib cage and a little bulge of skin with a nipple on it.I’ve gone from a 34b prebaby to 42d early days nursing to 34b after 20 months and still nursing. I have also lost 70lbs since having my son, after gaining 60 so I’m sure not having much extra body fat adds to the lack of breasts. A friend of mine got breast implants, and she is now “happy with her body” I feel sad that she wasn’t happy with her body before, but I also feel hypocritical that sometimes I envy her for having perky boobs again. But I guess it is all part of the journey. I know my insecurities may seem so trivial to some of you, but I’ve been through a lot with my body, and love it and appreciate it, but sometimes I still feel like I’m the only young mom out there like this! Don’t we all? I just want the silence to end! I’m putting my SOAM bumper sticker on this week!

“start a trend, love your body” prepregnancy
other picture 20 months pp-20 years old

My Mother Shape is Beautiful (Melissa Ann)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 11 Comments

My life has been so enriched by my identical twin daughters, but my body… for a long time I thought it had fallen to shreds. Yesterday I challenged myself to find the beauty in the way I’ve been stretched. This photo is my result.

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 Pregnancy 2 Births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 15 Months

012511-melissaann-1

My body has been destroyed, and I’ll have nothing to show for it: Update (Michelle)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 50 Comments

Pregnancies/Births: 1 pregnancy/birth
Age: 18
7 weeks postpartum

If you haven’t read my previous post, please do so, otherwise this one might not make too much sense.

I thought after I was no longer pregnant I would be devastated with how my body looked, but now I’m finding that I just don’t flat out care.

My due date was November 12 2010, and the day passed without a single sign of me beginning the first stage of labor. Then I lost my mucus plug and a few hours afterwards the contractions began. The next morning I went to the hospital and after checking me and monitoring me for an hour they sent me home, saying it would take me a while to dilate more (I was 1 cm but 70% effaced) and that my contractions only needed to be LONGER, because they were already pretty strong. So I spent the entire day in misery with horrible and painful contractions, not wanting to go back to the hospital just to be sent home again. That evening I went to the adoptive family’s house(the adoptive mom and I are close, she went to all of my appointments with me and was to be present for the birth) to labor there, and after less than an hour my water broke and off to the hospital we were! When they checked me I was 4 cm and begging for an epidural. Before I could get one though they had to get my IV in, and let me tell you, they took their damn sweet time doing that! My first nurse didn’t want to bother trying so she went and got another one to do it. I actually can’t remember much of that hour because the pain was so intense, but after they got the epidural in they waited ten minutes to check me again and found that I was 9 cms, after only an hour and a half at the hospital. No wonder I was in so much pain. They took me off the epidural medicine and then I started pushing, which was only for an hour, and my beautiful baby boy was born at 12:01 am on November 14th 2010, the day before national adoption day.

I had requested that he be taken out of the room immediately because I knew I would not be able to handle hearing him crying, hell, I didn’t know if I could handle meeting him the next morning either. He came out with the cord wrapped around his neck and couldn’t breathe for a few minutes, but when he started crying I started BAWLING. I have never cried so hard in my life or ever been in less control of my body before. Uncontrollable sobbing overtook me so much that I didn’t even feel the delivery of the placenta or the doctor stitching up my second degree tear. I sobbed for probably twenty minutes straight, and my baby wasn’t taken out of the room for the first ten minutes even though I had requested otherwise. To hear him crying… so many thoughts were running through my head. “How could I have ever thought about an abortion?” “I don’t want you out. Get back in my tummy.” “You’re mine, I can’t give you away.” “How could I have ever hated my body while you were in it?” And so many others. I was in complete emotional overload and lost complete control of my body. I was shaking so violently and sobbing so hard that I was sure there was nothing else in the world except the darkness behind my eyelids.

I still cry every time I remember his birth.

My boyfriend and I went to meet our baby around three that night. My boyfriend is 100% Korean so we were sure he would look exactly like his daddy… but it’s the opposite. He looked exactly like me. He had my chin. My cheekbones. My lips. My feet. My fingers. My forehead. My legs. Everything except his nose, which is a perfect mixture of the two of ours, his eyes, and his hair. Having him look like me made it so much harder to give him away.

Now that he isn’t in my tummy anymore I want my bulging belly back. I miss the heartburn every night, the way he got hiccups almost every hour, how he always stuck out his elbow from the side of my tummy. I want the acne back. I want every single bright purple stretch mark. I want my leaking breasts. I want the swollen feet, ankles, and hands. I want the carpal tunnel. I want to not be able to reach down and touch my feet. I want to be kept up all night because it’s so uncomfortable to lay in bed. I want it all back so I can have my baby in me another day. I feel vacant.

Empty.

Hollow.

I don’t care that my body is ravaged and destroyed, that this isn’t what an 18 year old body should look like. I just want my sweet baby boy that I carried for nine months. I should have cherished every day, instead of counting down until it was over. I can’t take back the things I said or the things I felt, as much as I wish could.

One of my nurses made me a plaster of his hand, and one of his foot too. I’m afraid that if I touch them they will become marked by my filthy touch, and I can’t look at them because I feel as if my gaze is unworthy. Every nurse I had in the hospital told me how proud they were of me and what a great thing I was doing, but no amount of praise can take the pain away. When I was in the hospital it was better because I knew my baby was down the hall from me. Safe, but still within reach. Now he isn’t. Every dream I’ve had since he was born has been either about him or how I’m no longer pregnant, but without a baby. I jolted awake the second night home from the hospital because I thought I heard him crying.

I know I made the best decision possible for my baby, that he will have such a wonderful life now, but it still is hard. I know I am going to need therapy.

When pregnant, I used to draw a smiley face on the shower door through the condensation every day while showering. My first shower back home was no different, but then after I drew it I realized that the last time I drew one my baby had hiccups and was contentedly snoozing in my tummy. I haven’t drawn one since.

Throughout my pregnancy, I gained 98 pounds, but I lost 40 of it two weeks after the birth. All of the “acne” that I had on my back, actually turned out to be the PUPPS rash, and it cleared up after labor. The worst case she’d ever seen, my nurse had said. So bad, that my entire back is scarred up from it. My stretch marks are terrible; in my armpits, on my sides, breasts, stomach, all down my inner AND outer thighs, on my entire butt, behind my knees and on my calves, and halfway down the backs of my thighs.I know they will never go away.

I’ve gone to see my baby on multiple occasions now, and it is seven weeks since I had him. He doesn’t look so much like me anymore, but he is so beautiful, and my body is equally as beautiful, because it created such a wonderful brand new human being that I am going to be tied to for the rest of my life. I created and nurtured a human being for nine months and went through labor, the most natural and primal thing that can happen to a person. I now feel like I can go through anything in life and I KNOW I will survive.

My baby is beautiful, and so am I.

Picture # 1 is 5 days postpartum
Picture # 2 is 7 weeks postpartum (not much of a difference, as you can see)
Picture # 3 is my baby an hour after he was born
Picture # 4 baby at 5 weeks
Picture # 5 baby at 5 weeks again

22 and 2 Kids Later (Jenny)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 13 Comments

My children are definately the best things to ever happen to me. I first got pregnant right before my 19th birthday and had a beautiful 8 lb baby boy. Before i got pregnant i only weighed 97 lbs and ended up 139 lbs when i gave birth. After i had him it didnt take too long to get back into shape. Everything went back to normal, other than a few strtch marks but nothing major. I could not have been happier. Then at 21 i got pregnant again. I was a little worried this time things wouldnt go back the same. I started this pregnancy out at 105 lbs and ended at 132 lbs. I gained less weight but my belly was so big. Then on August 31th 2010 i gave birth to another beautiful boy. This one only weighing 7 lbs 10 oz. Even though i am only 4 months pp things are not going back the same. I actually only weigh 98 lbs right now but my stomach is horrible. I dont know if you can fix wrinkled skin. Its something im having a very hard time dealing with. My fiance cares alot about appearence and even though he says it doesnt bother him, i feel like it does. Which makes me not want him to look at me naked. I’m glad i found this site. It has helped me feel alot better about myself and enough so that i wated to share my story. Maybe hearing strangers opinions might help. Thanks,

Age- 22
Number of pregnancies and births- 2
Age of children- 2 ( will be 3 in march) and 4 months
Post Partum- 4 months

1st picture- Pregnant with first child
2nd picture- After first child. About a year PP
3rd picture- Pregnant with second child
4th picture- Before children
5th picture- Now, 4 month PP