Learning (Trying Really Hard) to Accept and Love Myself (Rebecca)

i am 21 and i have had 2 pregnancies and one birth.
this is my body 1 year post pregnancy/c section.

i was a self harmer before baby, so i have some scars mainly to my thighs, i had almost come to accept them when i got pregnant.

the babys father left when i was 6 weeks pregnant, one of the biggest issues i have with my body, is that the last time anyone saw it, it was perfect (bar the scarring) and i am scared because the next person to see it wont like it. i was happy with what i had, neat breasts, toned tummy, hourglass figure, size 14, i’m now trying (and getting close) to being happy with my size 16, lived in tummy, pear?shaped figure, and the boobies that have nourished my child for 1 year…and show it.

my c section scar is uneven, as it was an emegency section due to arriving at hospital 9cms dilated, waters bulging, with baby in transverse lie with the cord covering the cervix which would have meant cord prolapse if my waters broke. my c section scar is a constant reminder that i didn’t get the birth i desired also.

but this is me, i do love my body for how it grew my son and got him into the world. i’m just learning to love how it looks.

Surprise Pregnancy & 3 Weeks Post Partum (Anonymous)

Age: 21
Pregnancies and Births: 1
Child: 3 weeks old

January 2011
Plans are moving along, Just ordered my wedding dress and invites, had a wonderful weekend away with my fiance. Next week, got confimation that everything was ordered. End of the week I didnt feel right. (Let the fun start) I took a pregnancy test and it was postitve! So many thoughts run through my mind, “not ready, cant do this, why now, not me, Im scared, I dont want this!” I was so scared I ened up calling an abortion help line. I felt a little better after talking with someone, but still unsure. That whole week I felt sick. I think it was the fact I just found out.

April 2011
A few months since find out I was pregnant, Im very happy. Going for my first ultrasound soon, and cant wait to finally see my baby. I found, besides drinking alot of water for my ultrasound and having to pee really bad, it was amazing! As the session was ending, the tech said there is a “third leg”. From being in awe of everything that was going on my responce to that was ” omg it has a deformity!!” Not thinking “IT’S A BOY!” :)

July 2011
So I was supposed to get married this month. But I ddint want to while being pregnant. I want to fit into my dress. So we are waiting until next july.

October 2011
My due date: Oct. 1st.
I went into false labor on the 1st. Ended up going into labor on the 3rd at 7:30am, got to the hospital at 9am. I was only 1-2cm dialated, I asked for demerol. Around noon I think the Dr. checked me and I was about 4cm. She broke my water(that was a wird feeling) Then they got me to walk to the delivery room, gave me some laughing gas. They checked me again I was about 6-7cm. I know I was in pain but I dont remember the pain… Then feeling the need to push they checked me again. I was ready to have this baby. It all went by so fast for me. The last feeling I remember is a burning feeling and… then our baby was here! Cant believe I did it. He was born at 3:01pm and 7lbs 6.8oz.

3 Weeks Post Partum
Im loving life!! I may be in need for sleep! But I wouldnt change a thing! I love our little boy! But looking at my body, it has taken some beating. I gained about 40 pounds… I have lots about 30 pounds since having my baby. There is days I feel down, looking they way I do since my body is changing again. When I do look at myself in the mirror I try to think about what I did, I created life. Im proud of what I was able to do, knowing there is women out there who would love to be able to give birth to a baby.

An Everyday Battle (Grace)

Age: 21
Postpartum: 21 months
Number of pregnancies: 1

Everyday my mind changes about my body. One day I will be fine and the next day I’m angry. I have a beautiful baby girl whose 21 months old. Shes happy, healthy, and she knows her momma loves her. I gave birth Jan 4th 2010, via c-section at 6:47pm. She was 9lbs 3.5oz. I gained 36 pounds and manged to lose it all but 5 pounds within 2 months of having her. But, between then and now, Ive gained an extra 15. I look back at pictures and it just makes me sad. How can my fiance love me and I look like this? And he has just gotten better looking… I am lucky, because I believe he loves my body more today than when he met me. But, I don’t. I work out 5 days a week. I run about 2 miles and have managed to lose about 9 pounds but I see no difference. I am on a mission to love myself again, to be healthier and happier. My fiance deserves it, and so does my daughter. The pictures included, are me about 3 months before getting pregnant, and what my stomach looks like now.

My Body After Twins (Anonymous)

Everyone told me when I was pregnant that I would never be able to wear a bikini again because being pregnant with twins destroys your stomach. I want to tell you that that is not always the case. People
also said that if your mom has stretch marks you will too. My Mom has stretch marks, but I didn’t get any. I ate well and a lot during my pregnancy and have not had time to step into a gym since they were born. I was back to my pre-pregnancy shape two weeks after giving birth naturally. I eat whatever and however much I want, nurse and take care of my awesome twin boys. I feel very fortunate and love being a Mom!

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: One pregnancy, twins
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: In the picture I am 6 months
postpartum with fraternal twin boys.

Defeat and Angels (Anonymous)

Age: 22
Pregnancies/Births: 1/1
Age of child/how far pp: 3 months

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant, and though it was not planned we could not have been happier. I had always wanted a baby, and now I was going to be a mother! The pregnancy was very easy and I went on to deliver a healthy baby girl at 37 weeks. Though I never had any medical or health problems during my pregnancy I did have self esteem problems. I always had what I considered the perfect body before pregnancy. I was 5’6″ and 115lbs. I was lean and toned, with curvy hips and perfectly round perky breasts. I had 36 inch hips and a 20 inch waist. I loved being able to throw a bikini on and turn heads with no effort. I never had to work for my body, it just was, and I loved it.

Little by little during my pregnancy the weight added up. 5 lbs this month. 7 the next. Until at 37 weeks I topped out at a weight gain of 53 lbs. Every pound was like a punch in the stomach. I hated it. I was watching my figure vanish under the perfect little person that I loved so dearly. I went 36 weeks without a single stretch mark. That was what kept me hopeful the entire time. I knew that if I could avoid stetch marks, then there was a chance I would someday feel pretty again. Then suddenly, almost overnight, they were there. All over my lower stomach. My sides, my thighs and on the back of my knees. I cried harder than I have ever cried before when I saw those horrible streaks across my skin. I delivered one week later.

I am currently 3 months postpartum and having a very hard time accepting my new body. Everything is different. My bone structure has changed, my hips and rib cage are inches wider, my stomach is flabby and not smooth, my skin is textured and uneven. My breasts, which I now hate, went from a B cup to a DD and now sag. I have cried every time I have taken a shower since the day she was born. I cannot look in the mirror when I am naked. Even though my husband will tell me every day that I am beautiful and perfect, I will not let him touch my stomach because I don’t want him to feel my skin. He used to joke that I was his trophy wife, and he wanted to take me every where he could and show me off. I feel like I ruined those dreams for him. I am no longer the trophy wife he married, but I am the woman with the stretch marks who should never be seen in a bathing suit ever again.

I weigh 125 lbs now, only 10 lbs more than before I got pregnant. I have breast fed my baby since the day she was born, and I believe that helped some, but I can not seem to lose the other 10lbs, and I fear that even if I do I will still never fit my old cloths, I will never have smooth soft skin ever again, and I will never be as little as I was. I fear that even though I love my baby and my husband more than life itself, that I will never be able to love my body. I will never have self confidence. I will never feel beautiful or pretty, and sexy is a word that will never be uttered in my direction. Maybe I sound vain and petty? Maybe I do. But these feelings that I live with every day, they do not feel so petty to me. When society has been screaming at you since you were 5 that you must look this way to be beautiful, and the mirror is screaming at you that you will never even be close, it does not feel petty. It feels like defeat.

Even though I feel this way about my body, I am determined to hide it from my daughter. I want to teach her that she does not have to look like the girls in magazines and on the t.v. That she is perfect just as she is. I know this is going to be hard to do when I can not even tell myself that, but I am determined. Afterall, the only thing that keeps me going is the enormous amount of love that I have for my daughter and my husband. I do not think I would be here today without them. They are my world. They are my angels. I live to see the smiles on their faces, and even though I look at myself and feel like I am all used up, I would not change anything, because doing so would mean that I would not have my little family. My little world.

The first two pictures are from before pregnancy, and then three are of the stretch marks and the extra weight at 3 months pp, and the last one is me at 36 weeks.

My Story (Anonymous)

Pregnancies : 1
Age:19.

I had a beautiful baby girl almost three months ago and I am so happy with my life besides one thing…my body. P re-pregnancy I weighed 130 pounds but it looked more like 120 and I am 5’3 I had very toned abs smaller hips and a 34 C bra size. I gained 30 pounds during my pregnancy so that put me at 160 and I was perfectly fine with that. My baby weighed 8lbs 4.4 oz so I was glad that she was healthy. When I said I was perfectly fine with that I mean that I felt good about it except for when it came to my husband. He hardly looked at me once my belly started getting big and if he did look at me it was only at my chest. After my baby I lost all of the weight I gained within 2 weeks and I think that was because of breast feeding. So, I am back down to actually 128 pounds and left with a bra size of in between a D and a DD and stretchmarks on my belly, boobs, butt, and upper thighs. I am so dissatisfied with my stretchmarks and I think it is because my husband doesn’t look at me the same…or is it all in my head? My hips also got wider throughout my pregnancy and haven’t gone down any. I know that some women say stretchmarks are your mommy badge but that’s not the way I feel which is weird because when I see other women with them I think nothing of it. I just hope that I can someday love my body again. Even if I don’t my daughter will always be worth it no matter what.

Tanner’s Mommy (Chelsi)

Age- 20
Number of pregnancies and births- 1
Age of of your children- 2years

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant. I was so terrified, I didnt know what to do. My boyfriend, tanners dad… Was there for me threw everything and still is. When i was 3 months pregnant I told my mom, my parents didn’t take it well. Which was expected. Within the next week I went to my doctor to make sure everything was alright and have a ultrasound. It was me, my boyfriend, and my mom in the room. At first everything looked fine. Just an adorable lil baby. Then the ultrasound tech decided to take one last look… She stopped, started to look at the screen very closely. I immediately knew something was wrong. She told me that she was going to send me to another hospital that could see my baby clearer, because she saw something on his stomach… But she couldn’t see exactly what it was. The next week we had another appointment at the specialist. That week waiting for our appointment to come, was the longest week of my life. I had no idea what could be wrong with my baby. Waiting for my name to be called in the waiting room was the hardest thing… I was so nervous. My boyfriend couldn’t make it because of work. Even though my mom was there, I felt so alone. They took me back into the ultrasound room. When she started, the first thing I looked at was his heart, i saw it beating and was imeadiatly relieved. When the ultrasound was over, the waiting began again. My doctor finally came into the exam room, she was holding a whole bunch of pamphlets, a notebook and a pen. She sat down and said. Your baby has something called Gastroschisis The word was so big.. It was so scary hearing it. I had no idea what that ment. She started drawing on her notebook…. She said Gastroschisis is when a baby is born with the intestines on the outside. It happened because the hole in his abdomen didn’t close all the way. So the intestines come out the hole cause there is room for them to do so. I was speachless. I’ve heard about this on the discovery channel.. I never thought this would happen to me, or my baby. She told me that everything will be alright and that there are doctors in that very hospital that could help him when he was born. I couldn’t figure out why this happened, was it something i did? Was it something i didn’t do? I took my prenatal vitamines like i was sopost to. The doctor told me that they dont know why this happenes, i could have been cause i was so young. Over the next couple weeks till our next appointment all i did was research. Even though Everything that i read was very positive. I was still scared out of my mind. Over the next few months we met with NICU nurses and surgeons. They all told me the same thing.. He was going to be okay. When he was born they would take him and place his lower half in a bag to keep out all the bacteria. Then he would be taken into surgery. They couldn’t know how much of his intestines were out till he was born, so we could only hope that it wasn’t very much. Because if there wasn’t a lot they could do everything they needed to in one surgery and then then let him recover. But if there was a lot out, they would have to put something called a silo around the intestines, so that in time(a few days to a few weeks) the intestines would retract back into his body. I just wanted to do whatever was best for my baby, whatever would make him better so he could have a normal life. We got everything set up, ready for his arrival. My doctor thought it would be best if I was induced, so that we could control when he came so that we could make sure the surgeon and all the nurses would be there. On October 25th, me and my boyfriend left the house at 11:00 on our way to the hospital. The whole car ride there, I didn’t actually believe we were going to have our baby that night. I was strangely calm. We got to the Check in desk, they told me that my doctor actually put me down for midnight the next day. Which was strange, it’s like I knew that was going to happen. They told me to come back at 7:00 am. We then once again started our way back to the hospital. This time was a different story, I knew today was the day that my life would change for ever. I was so scared for my baby. All I wanted to do was keep him with me where I knew he was safe. I got induced shortly after 8:00 am. I was 39 weeks and 5 days. They placed a half of a pill ‘down there’ that was sopost to start contractions… That didn’t work so they placed the other half. Still nothing. They decided to place a vaginal balloon to stretch me so that hopefully that would start contractions. Contractions slowly started to happen, but more that anything I just wanted to sleep, since I didnt get very much sleep the night before, I was very tired. Things started to pick up, I couldnt sleep. They gave me a shot in my hip to help me sleep. Which helped for a minute then i ended up puking my guts out. Since I couldn’t sleep we watched Knocked Up (probably wasn’t the best to watch right before giving birth). Right after the movie ended things started to go really fast. I ended up getting a epidural. A little while later my doctor came in a checked me. I was at 10 centemeters. They took me back into the surgery room, so that i could deliver. 42 minutes later I gave birth to a beautiful 7 pound, 19in baby boy. They held him up to show me then he was taken away. I got to see him an hour after he was born in the NICU. My boyfriend wheeled me in once in saw his bed I immediately broke into tears. When in saw him for the first time, my jaw dropped. He was so beautiful, so perfect. He had a full head of black hair. He had his dad’s nose. They had him sedated. We only had a short time with him before he had to be taken back to surgery. When we left I gave him a kiss on his forehead and told him that his mommy loved him very much, everything was going to be okay. I would be there when he woke up. We were taken back to the recovery part of the labory and delivery. We sat in our room waiting for the call that he was out of surgery and was perfectly fine. About an hour later we got the call. We rushed down to be by his side. He was still the most perfect little boy ever. They were able to do what they needed to in one surgery. Now for the first time in 5 months i could breathe. Even though i knew there were still hard days ahead of us. I knew the hardest part was over, the next couple of days were very important. They told me he would spend at minimum a month in the NICU. Next We needed to see if he could absorb the liquid food he was getting threw this IV and that he could poop. After a couple days of waiting, i changed his diaper, when I saw his lil poop, I jumped up and down and said u did it baby, u did it! Since we knew his intestines weren’t damaged from being out so long in the whomb. We had to wait for him to start eating breast milk, finally the time came to actually feed him. That was the first time we were able to be alone. Just me and him. Even though we were still in the hospital. I forgot about all that, it was just be and my baby boy. He quickly started eating more and more. I put everything on hold to be there with my baby over the month he was in the hospital and after he came home. I didn’t want him to be alone for one second. I spend everyday and night that he was in the NICU, right there by his side. We made it to his 1 year appointment! They said that his inside incision was comepletely closed and that he was as perfect as perfect could be. They told me I had nothing to worry about anymore, I still found myself checking his belly bottom to just to make sure. Over the next year he grew, and grew. He met all his milestones. Since then, I’ve graduated high school (on time) , now making plans for college, we even got our own place. Were doing really good. Its almost his second birthday and he’s still perfect! He’s sooo big and smart, he’s the smartest lil boy in the world and he’s all mine! Everyday I thank god for helping my baby threw the hard times. I’m the luckiest mommy in the world! Thank you for taking time to read my story! It means a lot!

First picture- The day Tanner was born.
Second picture- His first day home.
Third picture- Almost 2 years old.

Be Your Own Kind of Beautiful (Sia)

Most recent post here.

age: 18
months pp: 15 months (WOW time sure does fly!)
weight: 96 pounds

Hello again lovely ladies! This is my last update on SOAM, again I would like to say how much this website has helped me through my struggles with my pp body! All of you woman are amazing and wonderful in your own way!

I have finally reached my pre pregnacy weight! Even though my scale says the same weight, my body is still never going to be the same. And I would not have it any other way. My daughter and I have both grown tremendously. I love the life I live and love my body just as much. Being a single mother isnt always easy, but being a mother in general is the greatest gift god has ever given me. Every day is a blessing with my beautiful little girl. I have lost all my baby weight, but I still sag non the less. haha and to my miss fortune, losing the baby weight has made me lose my breasts. I have always had a flat chest but after having Kennedy, I had the boobs I had never had before. Annndddd now they are gone once more :( oh well I guess boobs were never supposed to be in my cards. At least I save 10 bucks on bras by being able to buy them in the little girls section instead of the juniors/womans. Always a bright side to everything!! I am not going to go on a rant, as I have in my past posts. The only message I have from this post is to love your body, not matter what size and shape.I realized how much time I wasted on wishing I was thinner. Because when I look back, I dont think about how much I hated the way I looked, I think about how my daughter has grown and how smart she has become and how beautiful she is growing up to be. Be your own kind of beautiful, because we are all beautiful! Every woman is, wheather they have bared a child or not. Our bodies dont define how beautiful we are. Nor does our weight. WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL. Ok so I went on a little rant ;) thanks for reading!!

Sad But Not Giving Up Hope (Anon)

I’m writing to you all the from Jamaica. I’m 23 years old and 3 weeks 1 day postpartum. Maybe its too early for me to submit my story since I’ve not yet healed properly, but I just wna share my story.

Also, I must say that I read the stories of other strong beautiful mothers daily. Its very encouraging and helps me to embrace my body. So maybe my story will encourage you. My mother also encourages me a lot. She has 3 of us, when she was my age (23) she was done with kids. She is still suffering with her image and insomnia to this day. But no one knows unless she tells them. When she sees her children, all grown up, she says she’s nevr been happier.

I got pregnant December last year for my boyfriend of 2 yrs, I nevr wanted kids, I love my freedom, and loved my body even more. It made me, me. A confident individual. A bit too confident maybe. Before getting pregnant I was 137 pounds, 182 pounds at 39 weeks. I’m 5’5″. During my pregnancy I worried about stretch marks, the most, I rubbed my belly with olive oil and cocoa butter almost evry day. Initially, I had a small belly, at 6 months my fundal height was 13 inches. In just a few weeks my belly skyrocketed. At first they came on my sides. They were real small, and right before my eyes, they exploded. I thought I cud wrk with tht. But not on my belly please stay away. I also got them on my legs and calves. But not my belly.

I was happy that my chances of escaping stretch marks on my belly. At 38 weeks pregnant my doc said he’d induce me at 39 weeks. My baby’s head was in the birth canal, and could come at anytime, I lived abt 45 mins from the hospital, he didn’t want any accidents, so thts the reason I was induced.

I got home from my 38 week check up, laying in bed, my mom expressed shock, she saw lines on my belly, one more week to go, and they had to show up there ugly selves. I cried that night. I was crushed. Depressed. My mother comforted me, told me wen I have my baby I’ll appreciate it. I started having nightmares, because I was so deep in thought tht my bf may not want me any more. He nver liked big girls. I told him how I felt, told him my nightmares. He told me id be fine and should not worry. When he saw the marks, he laughed and asked me if that was really why I was behaving like that. It made me smile. He even bought me oils and creams tht would help get them off. I’ve not seen any improvements yet, but its just been 3 weeks. 6 days after giving birth I weighed 165 pounds.
My boyfreind tells me to be patient, and tht I’ll be fine. Even though my body won’t go back to normal, I’m now a mother, so I’ll hv a body thts considered normal for my new role in life.

I had a problem free pregnancy, smooth delivery. Painful, but worth evry second, I thank God.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy weighing 8 pounds 4 ounces on the 9th of september, 10 days before my 23rd bday, the 19-9. I love him so much, he has made me appreciate life so much more, he makes me smile evryday. I’m happy I have him. And evry one says he looks just like me.
I promise to keep u posted.

The first 3 pics: pre preggo
4th: day after delivery
5th: 10 days after delivery
6th: 11 days after delivery
7th: side stretch marks
8th: full body
9 & 10th: 2 weeks 3 days after delivery, belly up close
11th: my sweetie pie
12 &13: 38 & 39 weeks

Updated here.

The beauty of my twin shaped body. (Stephanie M)

This was my first pregnancy and I was 19. I had complication after complication. First I ended up in the hospital at 8 weeks because they thought I was miscarrying, only to find out I had been blessed with not one baby, but two! Now before 19, I was a runner and in shape. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect body if I tried (sorry if that sounds like bragging..), and when I found out I was pregnant, I was terrified. In my mind I was going to be the size of a house with one baby growing in my belly, so what would two do to me?! But then I just started to grow, normally. I didn’t get too big too fast, or so I thought (looking back at the pictures I really did.. haha). But I was so sick throughout the entire pregnancy that because I would step on the scale and have lost weight, I didn’t really notice. As time went by, at around 20 weeks, I started to notice that my normal clothes didn’t fit anymore, but hey – that was normal. Then by 25 weeks, my maternity clothes didn’t fit anymore. By the time I was 30+ weeks, I wasn’t going outside much because I was so big it was hard to move around, so I just stayed in and wore PJ pants and night gowns all the time. My strangest memory was going out at Christmas time, which was 12 weeks before I had my boys, and buying a shirt that was sized 2X, and two weeks later, I didn’t have a hope or prayer that it would fit me. So, skipping the last few weeks until I was 36 weeks pregnant. It was about 2am and I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I was pretty well not functioning. So off to the hospital we went. After a few hours of testing, I found out that I was severely anemic, and if I didn’t get a blood transfusion right away, I could die during my c-section. (For those of you who don’t know much about anemia, your blood iron levels [hemoglobin] are supposed to be around 140-150, mine was at 68. When you go into a surgery it drops down 20-30 more, and around the 40 mark is where you drop into a coma. Oh yea, super fun hey?) So that was 3 days spent in the hospital, but then I was good, I was ready to go. And I felt great! So two and a half weeks later, on March 16th, 2011 (just 3 days after my 20th birthday), I went in at 6am to be prepped and have my boys. At this point I was still super disappointed I had to do the c-section and didn’t get to do it natural, because I was told I could have gotten back to a workout routine sooner with a natural birth.. but oh well, it had to happen for their safety and hey, I still had breast feeding to help me lose weight! Well, that didn’t work out either.Come to find out that because of my anemia and a few complications with the surgery, I was left unable to breast feed. So there went that idea. But I made it through all of that, and I had two gorgeous little men to show for it. Dominic Gerald Michael Peddle-McLeod born at 8:40am at 6pounds 9ounces, and James Ronald Alexander Peddle-McLeod born at 8:41am at 7pounds 14ounces.

Now, I am 6 1/2 months PP, and still working on getting this body back to normal. Some days are a sad struggle, wishing I was what I used to be, but then I remember what came out of it, and I’m alright again.

picture order.
1 – 12 weeks pregnant.
2 – 18 weeks pregnant.
3 – 26 weeks pregnant.
4 – 37 weeks pregnant.
5 – 38 weeks pregnant.
6 – about 8 hours after birth, my two boys.
7 – my boys now, at 6 months.
8 – me now at 6 months PP.