Child Loss

My Body (Stephanie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Homebirth, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, VBAC 36 Comments

I have a love hate relationship with my body. I was obese or morbidly obese pretty much all my life, since the time I was 11. At least my mother kept telling me I was fat from that point on. I just lived up to her expectations I guess.

I took surgical measures to finally lose weight and lost 150 pounds and counting. I’ve weighed as much as 325 pounds and as little as 165 pounds. I’m 180 pounds and hoping to get to 150 pounds.

My body has carried 9 children within it, but only 8 survived.

My body has been sliced open to give birth once, and then I took control to give birth 7 more times without surgery. 6 of those births were in the comfort of my own home.

My body has nourished or tried to nourish all of my babies through my now saggy breasts.

My body has been ridiculed and adored. It has been loved and it has been hated. My body provides a safe place for my children to cuddle up on. In the future I hope my body will provide a safe place for other people’s children as a foster parent.

I may not have smooth skin, washboard abs, or perky breasts, but my body has a story because it’s been on a journey and that journey has really only begun.

~Age: I am 36 (1975 birth year)
~Number of pregnancies and births: 9 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, 1 c/s, 1 hospital VBAC, 5 Unassisted Water Births, 1 Unassisted Home Birth.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are:
G-12, G-11, B-9, B-8, B-6, G-5, B-3, G-1

My Story (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Birth, Cesarean, Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions 17 Comments

23yrs old –postpartum 8 months.
Angel Jae born to heaven, mum of girl and boy, step mum of girl and boy.

I found myself thinking back as I watched my sick child in deep slumber in the early hours of this morning. I couldn’t remember the life I had before one, then three, then four little lives were following in the footsteps of my own life and experiences. Waking after the little amount of sleep I got that night has brought me to the place I am right now. A million memories running through my heart and my mind. My story is one of emotion, happiness in the birth of my children, the horror, abuse and fear of my past and the excitement and wonder of where my life is going.

I am a mother of an angel and four… well sort of.

I suppose to do this correctly I need to start from the very beginning. I am a young mother. This is Jae’s story. I was almost 17 when I had the flutter of nerves and excitement waiting for that pregnancy test to say yes or no. In my head if it said yes I was already a mother. I come from a good home with loving parents and I was in a stable relationship that I had been in going on 5 years by this stage. So a baby was not something I was scared of, in fact I wanted nothing more. There it was those two little lines ‘Pregnant’. What do I do? Who do I tell first? How will they react? My fiancé… Anger, rage, hurt. 19 weeks in, we’re having a boy. He snaps. He’d hit me before, I should’ve known he’d do it again. Three broken ribs, two black eyes, a broken wrist and My precious Angel Jae watching over me forever more. I still think about him and miss him each and every day. The pain is still as raw as if it were new.

He was sorry, He didn’t mean to hurt me. He wouldn’t leave, I couldn’t escape.

One year later, I’m late. Crying, alone and terrified at the possibility. I was in the dirty bathrooms at the local shopping centre, my hands shaking as I ripped off the wrapper. The next five minutes seemed to last for an eternity. There they were, clear as day… those two little lines, ‘pregnant’. This is Rose’s story. He is furious this time, “Get rid of IT before I do”. 14 weeks, My escape! He’s a cheater as well as a woman beater. The ‘other woman’ probably saved my life. I’m petrified with every strange feeling and my ever expanding belly. He found me. The threats and torment continued from him right through my pregnancy, “I will get you. I will kidnap and kill it rather than pay for it”. The stress bringing on contractions and high blood pressure, but my Rose she is strong and she is safe. She was born by emergency caesarean after complications weighing almost 10pounds. She is a beautiful child living with a disability. She is the reason I ate, slept, moved. She is the reason I survived.

We call my stretch marks “Mummy Marks” and believe you me I have mummy marks all over! And my “Smile” is a little bit wonky but Rose says that it’s the smile God gave me because the one on my face wasn’t big enough to show how much I loved her. My “smile” is My Breasts – the eyes that in her eyes only a mummy has. My stretched and misshapen belly button is the nose, which she loves to tickle and finally my wonky caesarean scar makes my smile. The smile that God gave me in the hands of the surgeon that brought my child safely into the world and is a permanent reminder of the memory that makes me smile and fill to the brim with so much love that the smile on my face just wasn’t enough.

Time kept passing as it always has. I met a man. Could I trust him? Will he hurt me? Will he understand what I’ve been through? Most importantly… Will he accept my child?

He has children too… two of them. A girl, Mary and a boy, Robert. Slowly and cautiously things move forward. He proposes, a carefully planned event with all the children playing a part, at my favourite restaurant in front of a full house of diners. Just like from the start of our relationship he was treating me as if I was the most important thing in the world, as if I were a princess. We move in together and almost immediately there they are again those two little lines ‘Pregnant’ but this time it’s different. It’s exciting and happy and I can share it. What a valentine’s present that news was!

We’re having a boy. 22 weeks in, there’s a car accident, where is the bleeding coming from? Is my baby alright? Phillip’s story. 23 weeks and we are in birth suite being told to get ready. 4cm dilated, Wait – Stop everything! My body and I believe the grace of God stopped everything. We heard the galloping of 10000 horses and we cried together. He’s alright, he’s safe tucked in tight beneath my heart. I stayed in hospital and every day got longer and longer and it was hard to cope. 8 trips to birth suite, drugs… oh the drugs steroids for baby, blood thinners, pain killers, dyes, contrasts, anaesthetics and last but not least epidural and caesarean. We made it! 35 weeks. 5pounds of amazing baby boy in my arms.

It’s funny you know, for as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I have always wanted four children. I could never in my wildest imagination describe what it feels like inside when I look at my children. All four of them, because they are mine each and every one of them. I love them. The shape of a mother to me is not only the physical but the emotional. What makes a mother whole – her children. They are a part of her living independently outside of her own body.

I don’t know if this is a story for this site, but it is my story. I am a woman and I am strong. I am a survivor. I am a mother and I live for my children. I’m not ready yet to let my face be seen. There is always fear in the back of my mind and my greatest concern is protecting my daughter from the threats made against her.

This Crazy Thing Called Motherhood (Maya)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Complications in Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

~Age 34
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4.5 years, 7 months

I thought I was either going to jump out my second story window or smash all the plates in my house. I was just crazy with grief. Imagine finding out you’re pregnant with twins and losing them the same day.

I have a rare condition called incompetent cervix that means the baby is born in the second trimester. Unfortunately that’s way to early to save the baby. I was four months along when I gave birth to a little girl and boy. Immediately after their birth, I went into emergency surgery because I was hemorrhaging through the placenta.

As other people reached out to help me make sense of what happened, I found myself on a journey of self-discovery. Through all the suffering I started to recognize compassion in others regarding problems with pregnancy. It felt like the coolest balm on a hot day.

Instead of jumping out the window, I bought a punching bag. Whenever I got angry about losing the twins, I’d do a few rounds on the bag. I went back to my karate dojo. Four months after my loss, I took part in a karate tournament. Reaching small goals like that kindled a fire that I would one day hold my healthy baby in my arms.

I became pregnant with my son Samuel seven months after losing the twins. I had to get a stitch placed in my cervix to keep the baby in until the ninth month of pregnancy. The operation is called a cerclage. It was hard to go in that operating room knowing it could all end there, but everything turned out fine.

A couple years later I got pregnant by accident and miscarried at the fifth week. I had just earned my Master’s degree. It felt like a rollercoaster not being ready for the pregnancy, then wanting it to continue and grieving for it when it ended.

Three years after Sam’s birth, I became pregnant with my son Levi. The pregnancy started out with twins but the second twin miscarried – it’s called vanishing twin syndrome. I continued to read up on pregnancy and resolved to take charge of the things I could control. My doula, the midwife, the nurse and my husband helped me through a natural birth. I was walking around 20 minutes after Levi’s birth, so that was a victory after all the trouble.

My two sons are healthy and full of spit and vinegar. I love them so much. Even when they make me swear. Through this crazy road to motherhood I’ve learned to fight for the impossible one day at a time.

I’m now seven months postpartum and liking my body. I still have fitness goals I want to reach and some clothes I’d like to fit into, but I think I’m a hot mama. I accept the faded stretch marks, the soft skin on my lower belly, the bigger belly button, the stretchy breasts. I don’t want to look like a teenager all my life.

It usually takes me a year to get back into shape through jogging, aerobics, situps and pushups. I’ve learned to practice kindness toward my body, patience, forgiveness – all the good stuff I’d want from my closest friends.

Also I love food. Since I’m breastfeeding I have quite the appetite. I’m not going to take shortcuts on that delicious carrot cake or sizzling Hawaiian pizza just to be a skinny mini! Sometimes I talk to my belly – “That’s ok if you had to have two sandwiches for lunch. You’re amazing.”

Pictures:
Bathing suit before kids
Bathing suit after 2 kids
Doing the hoola after having one kid – 2 years postpartum
Belly pic after having second kid – 3 months postpartum
Sunglasses for everyone

I Finally Feel Sexy Again (Babs)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Child Loss, Eating Disorder, Four or More Pregnancies, Homebirth, Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Mothers with Health Complications, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo, Update, VBAC 12 Comments

Original entries here, here, here and here.

This was my fourth pregnancy and birth, and both were extremely difficult. I suffered with moderate hyperemesis gravaridum throughout (helpHER.org), lost a significant amount of weight, muscle and nutrients and was on the edge of hospitalization and IV feeds throughout (even with extensive medicating). I also suffer with a spinal disease called ankylosing spondylitis which caused my vertebrae to fuse together from my coccyx up to my mid-back; it also causes very painful nerve damage in my hip joints and legs due to those bundles of nerves being trapped in the fusions.

The way my body changed over the course of this pregnancy felt very different than the other times: I was tired, and in a lot of pain and very sick. Toward the end I was mostly bedridden and had to push myself hard to get in a short walk a few times a week. I felt like I was falling apart, and was beginning to really hate my body: it was big and awkward, desperately sick and so, so painful. Through the last months of pregnancy I had to walk with a cane, which left me feeling very self-conscious and extremely unattractive. I felt like this pregnancy had stripped me of my femininity and sex appeal… and for the first time in my life, even with a disability diagnosis for years, I really felt disabled. On top of that, I’d had a relapse of an eating disorder shortly before becoming pregnant and was struggling hard with maintaining positive body image even before all that crap. As a result of that, I requested to not be weighed throughout my pregnancy, nor have weight used as a judgment of my health since it was such a fresh trigger. (Numbers alone are not a good, accurate diagnostic tool: your health is a big picture, and can’t be judged by a flawed BMI calculator or tiny range of “healthy pounds”. Big or small, your overall health is what is important to take care of and there is so much more to it than standing on a scale! Even with the diagnosis of hyperemesis, being weighed on a regular basis was not necessary to monitor my health and nutrition. You may have to argue with your care provider a little, but if scales and numbers are a trigger for you during pregnancy, you CAN avoid them so you can stay strong and supported).

Just three days ago now, 9 days past my due date, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My hard and fast (two hour!) labour was very difficult with the spinal fusions, and very painful, but I made it through with the wonderful support of my midwife, doula and my husband. With their love and care I was able to achieve a second home VBAC, even with my disabilities. I have to say, waterbirth helps a TON for moms with chronic pain, or spinal disabilities!! I don’t now if I’d have been able to do it without the pool.

The night after giving birth I was laying in bed with my husband watching TV shows on my laptop with our new baby sleeping between us. I was laying there, mostly naked, and looked down over my new postpartum body all squishy and deflated and realized that… I felt really good. More than that, I felt sexy! This pregnancy that was so hard on my body and made me feel stripped bare, this birth that was so hard to get through and had me screaming at the top of my lungs, they’ve both been such huge challenges but by making it out the other side I feel strong and capable and SEXY! When I went out in public earlier I didn’t feel like sucking in my stomach and hiding my middle in loose-fitting clothes. I even went out wearing a form-fitting top, proudly showing off my squishy new postpartum body so I can proclaim to everyone, “THIS is beautiful!”. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to look at my body in such a truly positive way. Even with a disability, with a history of struggling with an eating disorder, with severe illness and a very hard year that left me with a very changed body… I can be sensual and feminine and amazing. Four babies have passed through this body and left their footprints on it with stretch marks, cesarean scars, milky breasts, love handles, cellulite and weight gain… but today, just three days postpartum after my fourth birth, I feel sexier than I ever have.

I’ve posted to this site before, several times, but I never thought I’d ever have the guts to submit any images of myself fully nude. Even while I took these images through pregnancy, hoping that I’d eventually find the courage to submit (anonymously, maybe with my head cut off and my tattoo obscured! PS. that’s why my head is cut off in a bunch of these!) I didn’t really believe I’d be able to, so it brings me a lot of joy to post these (albeit still a little nervous…) and say, “I FEEL GREAT!”. Now I feel like encouraging everyone to do the same thing. Take pictures of your body, and not just any old pictures – put aside some time and experiment with taking some really nice photos. Go get some boudoir photos done if you don’t want to or can’t take your own, but whatever you do don’t neglect capturing some of your beauty… even if you feel crappy about yourself.

Despite I felt like absolute hell and hating my body through most of my pregnancy, I’m really grateful to myself that I pushed through to document my changes. I think it’s in us all to learn how to appreciate how amazing our bodies are in all their power. Just look at the incredible things they can do! Thanks to this site I found the motivation to nurture that, and I’m really glad I stuck to it.

(As a note: I’m a professional photographer, so these were taken by me with professional gear. Even though you can’t see them very well there are stretch marks and scars there, though I don’t have the type of genes that get a lot. Good quality, even lighting makes a big difference in how your skin appears in pictures. For anyone curious to experiment with their own lighting, I included a “behind the scenes” photo to show how everything was set up to take these. I used a Nikon SB800 flash mounted on a stand with a home-made beauty dish made out of a planter and some spare parts for about $12 total (instructions here: https://davidtejada.blogspot.com/2008/04/beauty-dish-for-sb-800.html), and a desk lamp pointed at the corner of the wall behind me to reduce some of the shadows. From there just experiment with the settings until you find something that looks good! I triggered my light with a radio controlled device called a Pocket Wizard, but you can just use a sync cord or one of many other inexpensive options and get the exact same results. You also don’t have to use a big fancy flash either, any will work including the cheap Vivitar 285V which runs about $90. :)

Be Strong and Courageous (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

My first daughter came when I was only 20 years old. I was newly married, working part time, and going to college full time. I gained 57 lbs. And it showed. My ballet body expanded everywhere it could. My legs, my hips, my breasts, and my stomach. I could not understand how people made it through pregnancy with little to no stretch marking. I was covered in huge “rips”. My breasts had never been perky, and whatever anti-gravity they had was destroyed when I went from a 32B to a 34F. But I did I lose all of the weight within a year.

My son was born 2 years later and he passed away (due to a severe medical condition) when he was only 9 weeks old. I miss him every day. My skin stretched further, despite not gaining as much weight. I said they were “his marks”. I lost all by 10lbs, but within 3 months of his death, I was unexpectedly pregnant again.
My second daughter arrived just a month after my son’s first anniversary. I stretched even further with her, even though I didn’t gain as much as the first time around. But like my first pregnancy, I lost it all within a year.

When my second daughter was about 15 months I became pregnant again, but lost the baby before 8 weeks. I was scarred; half of my children had died.

In the midst of moving overseas and the stress of liquidating our household, I became pregnant after just one period cycle. We were shocked and scared. But I had the nausea, the exhaustion, and I thought all was well. I shared with the world that we were expecting again right around 13 weeks.

At 15 weeks I began bleeding and made a trip to the ER. It was there that the doctors discovered my baby had stopped growing 8 weeks previously. I waited almost a week from the first visit before I miscarried. I began bleeding heavily at our church’s Christmas Eve service. We raced home so that I could be at home to miscarry.

I have lost 3 of my 5 children. My husband doesn’t want any more children. I am broken. I don’t feel I am finished. But I am scared out of my mind to try again.

And in the midst of all this – I gained 15lbs in the 15 weeks I carried the baby – and after 6 months have not lost a single pound. I fit into nothing. I hate the way I look.

HOWEVER….. I know that my scars, my sagging skin, my large and sagging breasts, my muffin top, and my misshapen belly button are marks of my children. With and without me, my children left me marked. I am learning to love the body I have and appreciate what it has given me.

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 5 pregnancies, 3 births, 2 living children.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Daughter1 – 5, Son – died at 9 weeks, would be 3 1/2, Daughter2 – 2, Miscarriage1 – August 2010, Miscarriage2 – December 2010. 5.5 months post partum.

Finding Myself in My Folds (Haley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 13 Comments

Age: 18
Number of pregnancies/ births: 2 pregnancies, 1 birth
Age of child: 14 months

Let me begin by saying that in my family being overweight is normal and I’ve always been the odd one out. You would think being the healthiest one would be a good thing, but it wasn’t. I was always different, and I always wanted to be like everyone else, big.

I came into my own at 14 when I started my period. Finally I had the breasts, and the butt to match my family. I wasn’t rail thin anymore; I even started getting attention from boys. Within a year the attention put me in a sexual relationship I wasn’t ready for. It took its toll on me both physically and emotionally. My weight suffered, losing 17 pounds in a matter of weeks, two bouts of Mono, and a severe depression. When the relationship finally ended I was lost. I threw myself into being a teenager, going to games, working at the local dinner and just forgetting where I had been. I flew through a relationship, began talking to an older guy, and got the courage up to talk to the boy in health class.

The boy in health class, who knew he was my future? It was a slow beginning which swiftly turned into a serious relationship. We were inseparable and planning a future together. The plan was two year engagement and a wedding after I graduated with him joining the military in the meantime. But what always happens when you plan too fast? Life, a baby. When we got the news everything went into fast forward.

We married in July, days after my 17th birthday. He enlisted and went off to BCT in my first trimester and I finished school. At this point I had just gotten my body to where it really needed to be. I was thriving. My pregnancy was a walk in the park. I had no complications and barley gained any weight if anything I didn’t gain enough weight. When my daughter was born I lost most of what I had gained and within the first three months I was back to my old self.

And then came marriage. My husband came home, and we moved to our first duty station. Stress, motherhood, hormones, hormones galore, and the role of being a wife was the first 20 lbs. When we found we were pregnant again just six months after having our daughter we were elated. We couldn’t wait to have another child. But too soon things went wrong. We lost the baby when I was just two months along. The doctors said it was normal and it happened often, but it tore me apart. I was put on birth control; we did not want to face a situation like that again. Depression and hormones caused me to gain another 20 lbs. At this point I was no longer the twig in the family. I struggled with my new self. I missed who I had been.

Now months later I have learned that though I may be different I am still me, the girl who found herself after a terrible relationship, the girl who fell in love with a boy in Health, the mother of an energetic one year old, and the woman who lost a baby. My daughter is a gift, and my husband adores the body I now own. I have finally become the norm in my family, and though there are times when I struggle and think less of myself. I know I am beautiful and that I can do anything no matter what my body type.

The pictures are of Me before I got pregnant, at 41 weeks pregnant, and 14 months postpartum.

C(section) You in Heaven, My Dear (Krystal)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 21 Comments

My third, and what I was hoping to be my final, pregnancy was beautiful in every way. I was always an active Preggo momma and continued this through my third pregnancy with walking, riding bikes and yoga. My first 2 pregnancies were also active and easy, leaving my body in pretty good shape and with healthy natural births. With just a few stretch marks here and there to complement the easy loving children who came with them. I was heading into my 38th week of pregnancy and preparing for a homebirth with a midwife who seemed to be just wonderful and perfect to accompany us. Again my body was holding up so well and I was always happy that each of my children left me with just a few battle scars. Oct. 27th I had a MW appointment and was gaining steadily, baby was ready for arrival and I was happy to only have acquired another 3 or 4 stretch marks with the 45 lb. gain on my 5’2” frame. Little did I know the next day would leave me with one of the hardest scars to accept. I awoke at 5 am, on Oct. 28th, and was instantly worried because my little bean wasn’t waking me up like she usually did at 3 am doing jumping jacks. I waited it out till about 7 am and was only getting small shifts. I called my MW and received no answer so I called the OBGYN I was also working with through my pregnancy. The nurse called me back about 930 am and told me to head on up to the hospital. My MW was still no where to be found as she is even to this day. I went in and at about 1030 am I was called back to have a NST. The sweet sound of my little beans Heartbeat was beautiful and a normal 141. My husband showed up about 10 minutes later and we sat and listened to the sweet thumping sounds coming from the little machine next to me. Suddenly, as if the world stopped, her heartbeat did too going from 141, to 80 , 40, 80……gone. That little machine then turned into the worst little machine I had ever seen when it started alarming to warn us that my baby was in distress. The Dr. took me to L&D where I was stripped, gassed and cut open. The very last thing I remember was my baby moving one last time in me to say goodbye before she headed on up into the Lords arms. I awoke 4 hours later to the most excruciating pain and life shattering news that I was cut open, robbed of my soul and left scarred and empty armed. I have a scar now stretching 8 inches across my abdomen reminding me on a daily basis that I have an angel in heaven, just waiting for me to join her some day, thanks to the grace of the good Lord. I try daily to accept this scar as a reminder of Gods grace and promise that some day I will see my little angel Stella again.

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 live births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 12, 4, 6 months post partum from my angel baby’s birth

Still Coping After Almost Five Years (Lora)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

My name is Lora. This is my story.

I was 18 yrs old when I found out I was pregnant the first time, and I found out by having a miscarriage. When I had made it to the doctor’s they told me I was four months along. I had no idea that I was pregnant. My periods were regular and nothing was “strange” was happening with my body. However, I felt a huge loss when this happened. Even though I didn’t know about the baby until after the fact, I still felt guilty. So when my husband and I found out we were pregnant for the second time, we were thrilled!! I was 20yrs old, and we had been married almost a year by then. I was a normal 20yr old. I had a wonderful body that I was proud of. I worked out, and had gone my entire life never having to worry about what I ate, and when I ate it. My pregnancy we extremely easy. I had no morning sickness, no crazy hormone imbalance. I felt great!! Except once my girl started ‘really’ growing, my body had no where to put her except straight out in front of me!!! From behind you could not tell I was pregnant. Even standing in front of me at the right angle you couldn’t tell. But when I turned to the side, Wham! haha…I was so worried about the skin and stretch marks that were starting all over, but my family kept encouraging me saying, “don’t worry, that happens to all women. It snaps right back after the baby.” This mostly coming from my mother and my aunt who both had 3 children, and not a trace showed on their bodies. I decided to believe them for the time being. But after my daughter was born 9/24/07 by c-section, I began to realize what they had said wasn’t true in my case. Immediately after the birth my tummy sagged. My husband kept telling me that after I lost the pregnancy weight it would go back. But it never did. I was so miserable with myself that first year after her birth, I didn’t lose any weight at all. I even gained some replacing my baby’s weight. I was 21yrs old, and while all my friends enjoyed summer days in bathing suits, I couldn’t even bare putting on a pair of shorts. I had stretch marks in my inner thighs, outer thighs, breasts, and of course my tummy. To make matters worse, I had sustained an injury to one of my breast before my pregnancy and never gave it a second thought, until I started breast feeding. The one that was damage had a reduced milk flow, so as my other breast grew and grew, the injured one did not. I found myself padding bra’s and wearing very lose shirts to hide it. I just felt so ashamed of myself and felt like it was all my fault. “just lose the weight” my husband would say. Finally after a year, I decided to finally take him up on that, and was just further depressed. No matter how much weight I lost (30lbs total) and was only 3lbs away from my prepregnancy weight, my tummy still sagged. My breasts were still uneven and lop sided, and I still couldn’t wear a bathing suite outside. I am now 24yrs old and after 4yrs I am finally starting to adjust to this new me. My daughter is now 3 1/2 yrs old. We also found out that we are expecting again! Our second child is due 11/26/11 of this year, and I have decided that there is nothing that this baby can do to me, and my daughter hasn’t already done!!!

I am Blessed with One (Cassandra)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 6 Comments

Pregnancies: 6 Births: 1
Age:19
Postpartum: 4 months and counting.

This is very hard for me to write. I had my first miscarriage at 15. I was 9 weeks pregnant, it was very hard, no one knew I was pregnant it had to be kept a secret. I had to mourn my loss on my own, from that day forth I’ve never felt so alone. After that, I lost 3 more children in the years to come also at 9 weeks. Doctors told me I’d never be able to hav a child. :(

They were very wrong. On June 9th 2010 I found out I was pregnant, terrified when the doctor told “you’re 9 weeks!” I quickly bursted into tears. But as days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months my confidence in the pregnancy was sky high. I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl on January 12, 2011. She weighed 8lbs 12oz and was 21inches long.

And still I was very depressed. I still am. On April 15, 2011 I discovered I was pregnant 7 weeks., and on April 25, 2011 I miscarried, at 8 weeks.

My body is in a shape its never been before. I’m embarassed of my body, I hide it under layers of clothing. Before I had my daughter I weighed 120 lbs, after I had my daughter my weight has increased to 182 lbs. But with the help of my sister Jennifer Harmon and my husband Kevin Mendoza, I’ve realized… My body IS beautiful. My body shows a story of the struggles I went through, the tears I’ve cried, the children I’ve lost, and the child I’ve gained. I have the shape of a mother! Although looking in the mirror sometimes disgusts me, I have the strength within myself to see that the form of my body, that everyone else might see as flaws, I see as perfection. I carried a child of 9 months and 1 week. I am no celebrity, I am CASSANDRA RAE LEIJA and I am The Shape Of A Mother.!

Confidant… Most Days (February Mama)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 9 Comments

I am so grateful to be able to identify myself as a Mother. My DH and I struggled for 14 months to conceive our first child, Ethan. We tried to get pregnant on our own for many months before turning to a fertility clinic for help. After tons of testing we were diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”. Which made us feel even more helpless because apparently there was nothing wrong with either of our bodies and we “should” be able to get pregnant. Finally, after an unsuccessful 3 months of being on the fertility drug “Clomid” I said enough was enough. I was emotionally and physically spent. Our doctor convinced us to try one round of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) without any medication, but warned us that without medication, it was rarely successful. We agreed to try one round. If that did not work, we were done. On June 4, 2008 we had our IUI performed and it worked! We were stunned, elated, shocked, and thrilled to death! We were finally expecting a baby!

Aside from some morning sickness and an ovarian cyst that resolved on its own, my pregnancy was uneventful. I enjoyed “eating for two” and had gained 40lbs by 36 weeks. I started my pregnancy at a fit 125lbs, and at 5’7′ felt this was my “ideal” weight as I had maintained this weight for over 10 years without issue. Although my belly expanded more than I thought was humanly possible I was left with only one small stretch mark on my right hip. Little did I realize how much that one little mark would mean to me. At 37 weeks and 3 days my world came crashing down. I was sent for an ultrasound because my midwife could not tell if my baby was breech. At the ultrasound I was happily telling the nurse that my midwife thought I would have a large baby because she thought the baby’s head was big. The nurse asked the doctor if a baby’s total weight could be predicted by the size of his head so the doctor began to scan my son’s head. The moment I looked up at him was the worst moment of my life. I saw his face crumple in a look of total disbelief and shock. When I asked what he saw he stopped the ultrasound and told me to call my husband while he went to get the neonatologist. In a moment I was left alone in a hospital room with no explanation of what was going on. I called my husband who rushed to the hospital and together we learned from the neonatologist that our son had a very sever case of Hydrocephaly. Fluid had built up inside his skull and was taking up the space where his brain should have had room to grow. Although the part of his brain that controlled breathing, heartrate, and other unconcious functions worked perfectly, the other parts of his brain had not developed. Our only option was to have the fluid drained from his skull so that he could be born. A C-section was out of the question due to the size of his head. Our doctor explained that if I chose to have a C-section without draining the fluid from my sons head, he would have to make such a huge incision that I stood a good chance of bleeding out and dying. As our son was already comatose in my belly, we chose to have the cranial decompression performed. It was successful and I was able to have him naturally. Ethan was stillborn on February 7, 2009 at 37 weeks and 6 days. He weighed 7lbs 15oz and looked like a beautiful sleeping angel.

Leaving the hospital empty handed was like the final insult heaped ontop of years of injury. I was convinced we were never meant to parent a living child. I threw myself into the task of losing my baby weight. I treated weightloss like a job. Every single day I walked for miles. When our OB gave me the go ahead to start running again, I ran until I thought I would colapse. 9 weeks after giving birth I was back to 125lbs and into my pre-pregnancy clothes. And I LOVED that little stretch mark on my right hip. It was the only physical evidence that my son had existed. 3 months after Ethan died, my husband and I decided we would try again one more time. Back to the fertiity clinic we went and our doctor agreed to perform the same IUI procedure, again with the warning of “it rarely works without medication, let alone on the first try”. 4 days later we were pregnant, again! If that seems like an awfully short time between giving birth and getting pregnant, IT WAS. I did’nt realize until near the end of my pregnancy that I was’nt longing for ANOTHER child, I was longing for Ethan. I did’nt make a mistake by getting pregnant again, but I really should have taken more time to grieve. Although my pregnancy went perfectly, I was terrified through the entire process. At 38 weeks pregnant I was begging my OB for an induction. He was the neonatologist that had taken me on as a patient the day I found out about Ethan’s Hydrocephaly, so he knew how much I wanted this process to be over. He agreed to induce me at 39 weeks, and on February 21, 2010 my beautiful daughter Faith was born, weighing a whopping 8lbs 14oz! Healthy, perfect in every way, and looking exactly like her brother. My DH and I were over the moon with happiness and still are today. Our daughter brings us more joy than we knew existed in this world.

After Faith’s birth, my body shocked me. I was in my pre-pregnancy clothing at 3 weeks post pardum and by 7 weeks I had lost all of my baby weight and then some even though I was not doing anymore than the occassional walk around the block. I believe I owe the weight loss to breastfeeding. I never planned to breastfeed but thought I’d give it a try. It seemed to work well for both Faith and I and we did it for 7 months. I gained a pound or two back after we stopped breastfeeding but my current weight seems to be holding steady at 122lbs. My body has changed completely though. My hips are wider, my thighs are narrower. My waist is wider and my boobs are a lot saggier. I’ve got stretch marks all over the lower right side of my stomach, but none on my left (so weird, not sure why that happened) My original stretch mark got a little longer, and I got a few new ones on my left hip, and my belly button looks like a crumpled up tissue. I still think I can rock a bikini, and I do (to heck with what anyone on the beach thinks!) But some days I don’t feel as confident as others. I find myself obsessing about getting a mini-tummy tuck. But, DH and I would like to have a living sibling for Faith so we’ll be trying for baby number 3 next year and I can’t get any surgery before I’m done having children. I’m really scared about what another baby will do to my body, so I’m trying to enjoy what I’ve got now, while I can. My children make the jiggly bits of my body matter a lot less, but they still do matter a little. I believe I will get a tummy tuck in due time, because I want to continue to have confidence in the way I look, but no mater what, the title of “Mother” is infinitely more important than how I look in a bathing suit.

Pic #1 is me before any of my pregnancies
Pic #2 is me 4 weeks pregnant with my second baby
Pic #3 is 39 weeks pregnancy with my second baby
Pic #4 and #5 is 7 weeks post pardum with my second baby
Pic #6 and #7 is 14 months post pardum with my second baby

~Age: 29
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Oldest would have been 2, youngest is 13 months