Cesarean

Trying to Cope (Claire-Bee)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 3 Comments

ok so I’m a 24yr old mother of two, a 3 1/2 yr old and a 21month old. Both c-sections and both almost 10lbs each. It has been a rough journey to start. I was a size 9 with amazing abs. With my first I tried every cream on the market still got stretch marks. Bad ones they bleed towards the end. Now 21 months postpartum and working out like crazy, I realize those abs I once had will never show again. Just saggy stripped skin. I’m trying to be happy everyday that bathing suit season approaches but its hard knowing at 24 I’m going to be stuck in a one piece all summer. Good think my babies are healthy and beautiful, probably what gets me through.

* I have my 30in waist pre-pregnancy picture.
*my first pregnancy 38 weeks along with hubby
*my second pregnancy 39 weeks along with hubby and daughter
* my current 21month postpartum belly. 15lbs from my before weight.

Struggling With My Body Image (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breech Baby, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

I was 125 lbs.at 5’9″ pre pregnancy. I am 29 and this is my first child delivered via c-section. I was extremely sick for the first five months of pregnancy. After that i rapidly gained weight. I had severe edema and my doctor wanted me to take off work the last four weeks but with my husband out of a job i had to suck it up and work. I went into labor two weeks early and weighed a whoping 188! My daughter was breach so i forced to do a c-section. I thuoght with the swelling and birth i would easily lose half this weight gain. Not the case. So i breastfed until i returned to work so about four months. My daughter is now almost a year old and i look five months pregnant. I am a hairstylist so i deal with people all day, i have been asked when am i due. I always have a brave face when asked and i say oh im not my daughter isnt even a year old yet. But behind closed doors i cry my eyes out. I weigh 160 now and i am ok with the weight. I was underweight prior to having my daughter. I just dont want this belly anymore. I work out as much as i can and eat as healthy as i can but it doesnt seem to help. I am thankful i got very little stretch marks and now they are pretty much gone. But i sm not happy with myself. Especially when everyone i knew that was pregnant at the same time all look like they dont have kids. Reading some of these articles has help me feel like i am not the only one and i hope this helps others feel they are not alone. I am thankful that my husband has helped me feel beautiful and says that i look great. But ultimately if i could tone my abs a little more maybe i would feel complete.

Number of pregnancies: 1 and 1 birth.
Age of child: 10 1/2 months
C-section delivery.
Age: 29

Mom of 3 (Amanda W)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Children with Health Complications, Diastasis Recti, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Third Pregnancy 4 Comments

I am a Mom of three wonderful children. 2 girls and a boy. i was 20 years old when i conceived my first, and she was born weighing in at 9lbs, 20.5 inches. i grew several cup sizes, and gained about 40 pounds, which i havent lost yet. shes 10 now. my middle child is 4, she was 7lbs 14 oz, born at 38 weeks, and a ball of fire. my little boy is now 10weeks, and was 10lbs 4 oz 21 inches at birth. he was born with an imperforate anus (his rectum and anus didnt connect) his was a mild case, and he is mending well, although he scared the crap out of us (pun intended LOL) when he was born. my last 2 were c-sections, my first was a vaginal delivery.

i am 31
3 pregnancies
10 weeks postpartum of number 3, 10yr old, 4 yr old

Mother of One (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Piercing, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Age 21; Pregnancies 1; Births 1. I had to have my son by c-section after 16 1/2 hours of labor and never dialating past 1 cm. I was 18 when I become pregnant with my son and 19 when I had him. He is about a year and a half now and he is my everything. My pregnancy was a fairly normal, smooth sailing one. Besides going over my due date by 4 days and being induced. I was 120 pounds and in VERY good shape when I become pregnant, I didn’t recieve stretch marks until about 37 weeks and the were on the bottom of my stomach and on my sides. After having my son all those stretch marks came up and were everywhere! I have them on my inner thighs, butt, breasts and of course my stomach. I was very ashamed about my body for a long time, I didn’t even want my fiance to see me with clothes off. But one day he just sat me down and told me that there was no reason to hide, he loved me for me and my stretch marks didn’t bother him. This summer I have decided to wear a bikini again, I am very nervous but I am not ashamed anymore. I wish I could go back to my pre-pregnancy body but I have this one b/c of my amazing little boy and I wouldn’t trade that for anything! The picture is my stomach now.

I Want My Body Back (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Toxemia 21 Comments

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5.5 month old ds/5.5 months pp

As long as I can remember, I have struggled with body image issues. All throughout my school years, I was always the big/fat/chunky/chubby/amazon woman or what have you. I was 5’9″ and 210 at my heaviest. I have also struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. When I was 19, I went on a one month food cleanse/detox per my naturopath and 5 months later, I was down 70 pounds. I was now 5’10” and 140-145 and felt and looked amazing, however at the time I still felt self conscious. I look back at pictures of what I used to look like and I just want to kick myself for wasting all that time hating a gorgeous person… Fast forward to November 10, 2011, I was 21 years old and via 3 week early induction and then emergency c-section due to pre eclampsia (at one point I gained over 20 pounds in one week from fluid), my son was born. He is my WORLD and has changed my mind and heart for the better… however, he also changed my body, completely and drastically. Due to stress, pre eclampsia and laziness, I gained over 100 pounds throughout my pregnancy. I stopped looking at the scale at the doctor’s office but I am now almost 6 months pp and 220 pounds, 80 pounds overweight. I don’t even feel like myself anymore, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without feeling immense pain and grief. I don’t want to wear maternity jeans and sweatpants and huge tshirts all the time, I feel like a big bum and it doesn’t help my depression. I went from a size 3/5 jeans to not even being able to wear a 14; size small/medium shirts to large/xlarge. I have shopped in the plus sizes for the first time in my life. I am exclusively breastfeeding and not losing any weight! I’m even eating healthy, gluten/wheat/dairy free for my son. I just want to love myself for what I look like now. I don’t want to be worried that I’ll never find a man to love me. I want to feel comfortable in clothes and be a great positive example for my son. I just don’t want to be in pain when I think about my body. I haven’t even seen any other mom with stretch marks like mine, or who had the weight gain I had. I wouldn’t want to take anything back though, my baby boy is my entire world, I can’t imagine ever living without him and he completes me. Even though I feel ugly on the outside, I am a changed person on the inside. I love my mind now, and that has to count for something.

1. me at my lowest/healthiest weight
2. 17 weeks pregnant
3. 37 weeks pregnant
4. my beautiful son (5 months old)
5. 5.5 months pp front view
6. 5.5 months side view
7. me now at 220 pounds.

The Stranger in the Mirror (Miserable)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 17 Comments

Before my first pregnancy in 2008 I was relatively slim: 9 stone 7 lbs ( 133 pounds in American money!) although I don’t think I carried it well as I’m short: 5′ 3″, and I’ve always had a big bottom and wide hips, but even so I was in fairly good shape. I was a lot slimmer before 2008, I’d had one of those years and put on about half a stone so I was already on the path to self-loathing. But when I became pregnant I really wasn’t concerned with putting on weight and for the first time in many years I didn’t bother about calorie counting and ate what I wanted when i wanted, but never for two! Oh OK, I ate for about 10 when I went on holiday to Barbados halfway through my pregnancy but otherwise I ate properly some days, a bit OTT others. While I knew I would have to lose a few pounds after giving birth I was enjoying the fact that I didn’t need to starve myself and that I felt free of the bulimia/weight on/weight off cycle I’d been in during my twenties. I was very excited about the impending birth of my son.

At 4 months’ pregnant I BALLOONED overnight. And it didn’t stop; I even had people stop me in the street and ask if I was expecting twins and at 16 weeks pregnant when flying from Italy, where I lived, to the UK I was asked for my doctor’s letter to say I could fly (a letter which, in Europe, we don’t have to have until 28 weeks pregnant) and in one restaurant that we frequented regularly in Italy the waitress was aghast when she saw me at around 6 months pregnant and said (in Italian) “My God how much weight have you put on? You must have put on 40 kilos, my daughter only put on 11 kilos in her whole pregnancy. You English eat far too much!” I left immediately in tears. After 7 and half months I didn’t leave the house other than to pop downstairs to the local greengrocer for some fruit. It was completely crushing to have people stare at me, to see my reflection in shop windows, to be asked how many were in there, to be told I was fat. I was but I didn’t want to be told so. The latter part of my pregnancy was completely ruined and, looking back, I think depression had started to set in even then. It didn’t help that my stepdad (who had brought me up from age 5) was dying of Cancer and my mum was so engrossed in her caring role that she virtually ignored my pregnancy. We had to have our son in the UK (for reasons of nationality) so at 8 and a half months pregnant we got the sleeper train to the UK. We booked a holiday cottage and waited. And waited. And waited a bit more. I refused to be induced and our baby was born 21 days overdue! I was devastated to end up with an emergency caesarean (I’m English! This is how we spell it!) due to our baby turning back-to-back, placenta abrupting and a few other things (which i don’t care to remember), I had been staunchly against caesareans throughout my pregnancy and to this day I am heartbroken that I didn’t get the natural birth I wanted. yes, I know the most important thing was a healthy baby, I really do, but I still mourn not having a normal delivery. I feel denied my womanly right.

I didn’t get to hold our baby for an hour and 20 minutes after the birth – not because there was anything wrong, not because I’d had a general (I hadn’t), simply because the midwife handed him to my partner without thinking and forgot to say that I could hold him (we thought that perhaps I wasn’t allowed to in the operating theatre). When we got to the recovery room I asked to hold him. I’ll never forget how he looked at me – it wasn’t the look of recognition that so many women talk about, it wasn’t love, I felt like he was saying ‘Oh no, I’ve got YOU!” From that day to this he’s always been Daddy’s boy. I think the postnatal depression started in earnest the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my son, but it wasn’t a happy time after the birth – for a long time. While in hospital I didn’t worry about my enormous belly that still looked at least 6 months pregnant, even when my dad came to see me and said sarcastically, “You’ve got a lovely figure now, haven’t you?!” (tact, diplomacy, sensitivity – not his strong points). That started about a week later.

During pregnancy no. 1 I put on 70 pounds.

I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and didn’t lose a single pound (other than the 14 I lost giving birth and losing water immediately after). My stepdad died when my son was 7 months old and I lost 14 pounds then. A year later I lost 7 pounds then went to New Zealand to visit relatives and put it back on (cakes galore made by my partner’s mum). I’d just started to lose again when I became pregnant with no.2 and, just as before, bang! I looked 6 months pregnant at 6 weeks. I had recently joined the gym on a special programme via the doctor but I had such terrible morning sickness and was so uncomfortable with heartburn (which started at 6 weeks and continued to 39 weeks, not a day’s let up) and my general size that I gave up at 3 months pregnant. At 4 months pregnant, mid October 2010, I was asked by the checkout operator at the supermarket if I would be having a Christmas baby. When I told him “No, a Spring baby” he almost fell on the floor. We had moved back to the Uk by this time and I have to say that the comments about my size were fewer than they had been in Italy. But still I felt not unlike Jabba the Hut. This time I had prenatal depression and it was awful, I really struggled to get through it and had counselling all through the pregnancy. Happily, however, the day son no. 2 was born (caesarean again after 38 and a half weeks of planning a VBAC I was forced to change my mind as baby was transverse and had been all the way through the pregnancy that they could tell) it lifted, just melted away. This time, I held my baby almost as he was born (a very understanding surgeon who agreed to many non-routine things for me) and he looked at me with love.

During pregnancy no. 2 I put on 42 pounds. Considerably better than no.1 but remember I hadn’t lost much after no.1 so I ended up 14 pounds heavier than I had done at the end of pregnancy no.1. But this time I lost 28 pounds within a month of giving birth, then slowly lost another 7 over the next 6 months, then stopped. Again I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and now my son is 12 months I still feed him myself twice a day. But I have lost no more weight. I admit I comfort eat. And eat. And loathe. And eat and then I do it all again, it goes on in a vicious cycle. I haven’t seen my pubic hair for 4 years now due to the enormous overhanging lump of lard around my middle – and I used to have quite a flat stomach, proudly so. I am 4 dress sizes bigger than I used to be pre-children. I have a proper double chin that Tevye would proud to see on Golde. I have 3 huge boxes of beautiful, some expensive, clothes that I cannot wear and slump around in supermarket threads which are cheap in the hope that soon I will be able to get my real clothes out again. I avoid some old friends who want to see me after living abroad for many years because I’m so embarrassed about how I look compared to when they last saw me and I was slim. Every couple of months I manage to find some motivation and do some exercise and start a diet but when I lose only 3 or 4 pounds in a month or so I lose heart and binge on, well anything really. Half the problem with exercise is that the overhang really hurts if I do much more than a brisk walk – it literally slaps me on the upper thighs and swings from side to side.

I can barely look at myself in the mirror, every single bit of me looks like someone else. And I don’t like her.

Age 38

Picture 1 shows me at 8 weeks pregnant, first pregnancy 2008
Pic 2 Approx 18 weeks
Pic 3 Approx 38 weeks
Pic 4 Today, 21st April 2012 (I didn’t take any pics of myself during pregnancy no. 2)

Loving My Mommy Body (Raven)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions 5 Comments

My name is Raven, I am 20 years old and I have one son that is now 18 months old. I had him via cesarean section.

I had a lot happen to me after I had my son. I had just assumed since having a baby was one of the happiest and greatest things that could happen to someone that nothing in life would be bad after having a child. It did not take me long to find out how wrong I was. I love my son more than I could ever put into words but the year after having my him I suffered with such horrible depression that I didn’t even want to live anymore. It’s embarrassing admitting that and openly talking about my depression because I always fear people will view me as a bad mother but now, after everything is said and done, I am so grateful that I had to go through that. I had the choice of going on anti-depressants or changing my lifestyle which meant becoming more active and eating healthier. I had always struggled with my weight and body image so I thought why not make a change for myself instead of having to take medication. After my son’s first birthday I started eating a lot better and working out regularly and now I really do love my body. Sure, there are things I am shy to show others but overall I love everything about it. I have a pooch at the bottom of my belly because I had a big baby. My boobs are not perky any more and they are much smaller, but being able to provide my son with all the nutrients he needed with them is a fair trade. I have stretch marks all over but let’s be honest, who doesn’t have stretch marks? I have a nice big five inch scar from where my beautiful baby boy was brought into this world and guess what, I even love that too! Knowing that everything that is “wrong” with my body was caused by creating my wonderful son really allows me to embrace everything about myself and I love it.

My pictures are of me now, 18 months PP and a nice big close up of my c-sec scar and stretch marks :)

Wishing for a flatter tummy. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 3 Comments

I am a proud mother of 2 handsome boys. My first is 2 years old and my youngest is 7 months. After my having my first son when I was 19 I was very self conscious about my body. I remember looking in the mirror a few days after giving birth and I couldn’t believe it was me I was looking at I went from 140 to 220 pounds. I developed preeclampsia during my first pregnancy and gestational diabetes during my second pregnancy and had to have a c-section with both pregnancies. Now I find myself struggling to lose weight and get a flatter tummy. I can deal with the stretch marks but wish my tummy was flatter so people can stop asking if I am pregnant. Other than that I am happy with my body and I adore my boys and I am in love with my fiance who has been supportive of me and makes me feel beautiful everyday.

The pictures below is of me 7 months postpartum with my second son

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 years old and 7 months old and 7 months postpartum

A Never-Ending Struggle (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression 16 Comments

Age: 20
Number of Births: 1
Child: 7 Months Old

i’ve posted before, but not on a topic as specific as this. so, no pictures this time– just a story that i’m hoping some other women can relate to. not exactly the happiest, but i’ve found that people find comfort in relating with others, regardless.

it took me weeks to figure out that something just wasn’t right after i had my son. it wasn’t him, it was myself. it was the way i was acting, my feelings, my stress levels. it just wasn’t normal. i didn’t think it was a problem until i did a little research and came to the conclusion that i might have post-partum depression. it took one morning of me feeling like i was going to snap, crying and begging my fiance to help me, to stay home from work just ONE day to give me a break, that i couldn’t take it anymore. my son had been up practically all night, he was screaming, nothing could console him. i was at the end of my rope, and he just left. nothing he’s ever done hurt me more than him doing that to me that day. i literally told him i was afraid that i was going to do something terrible, and he just left us. he told me it was because he “had a responsibility to be to work” and he “couldn’t just leave them short-staffed”. and, stupid me, here i was thinking, “you have a responsibility to protect your baby and to make sure your fiancee is OKAY.” i was not okay that morning, nor was i okay in the weeks that led up to that. he ignored it. i am still holding a grudge from that, and i’m aware of it. but as many times as i’ve tried to talk to him about it, he shuts down and just acts like it’s nothing he cares to hear. (don’t get the wrong impression of my fiance, though. he’s an amazing, loving, providing father and a good man.) so i stopped trying to talk to him about it. i made an appointment to go see my doctor that day. i got put on anti-depressants but it’s still lingering some days and there’s been times when i went without it longer than i should have…. i know now that i really do NEED those pills. it’s like i’m completely hopeless.

i don’t want to do anything some days. and by that, i mean all i want to do is just sit and do mind-numbing things like browse facebook and pinterest and watch shows. i don’t want to do laundry, i don’t want to clean the house, i don’t want to do the dishes, i don’t want to do anything productive. there’s even some days where i don’t want to interact with my son. it breaks my heart, because i know i should cherish every minute of it, but sometimes i just put a movie on and let him be. i’m so envious of the mothers who can fill their day with being super mom’s. it’s like they can do it all, with a smile on their face, and love every minute. that’s not me right now. i can barely force a smile on my face when something is funny. it’s just… fake. it’s not even a matter of me feeling sorry for myself as it is me just feeling hopeless about things.

my fiance acts like i’m doing all of this on purpose. he tells me “why don’t you make plans with your friends? why don’t you do this? why don’t you go somewhere?” i don’t want to interact with people. i have no desire. no energy. i don’t want to have to get myself ready to go anywhere. i don’t want to try and push out conversations when everything i want to say is negative and depressing. no one wants to be around someone like that. i never have a vehicle to leave the house, even if i wanted to. i don’t answer my phone 99% of the time because i don’t want to talk. even when i do try to reach out and talk to my friends, i have nothing to say. i do nothing all day, i have no news to share. i want to start working and go back to school, but i don’t want to be around anyone. a big part of that is that i gained so much weight from starting birth control, being home all winter with no way to exercise and “boredom eating”, and now my comfort and source of being not so bored is cooking and baking. it takes up time, it’s one of my hobbies, and i get to eat it after. my entertainment used to be going out, shopping, school, friends, and being too busy for much else. i literally will spend so much time some days just looking back through my old pictures and seeing how tiny i was, how beautiful and full of life i was. i was funny, i was fun, i was happy. now, i see a fat, very unhappy, very hopeless person and i just can’t see that light at the end of the tunnel. it’s not that i don’t want to, because i so desperately do, but i just don’t see a change happening in me.

i feel like i’m wasting my son’s memories (my memories of him, i mean) as a baby. i feel like i’m preventing him from learning, experiencing, and being a happy fulfilled baby because of myself. i feel like i don’t remember the past 6 months. i feel like it’s been a blur that i just slept through or got into such a routine that it became automatic and every day felt exactly the same. i feel so incredibly guilty, every day. i should be taking him outside, i should be rolling around on the floor playing with him, i should be reading to him so much every day, i should be doing so much more. i just don’t have it in me.

i don’t talk to anyone for entire days at a time. i bug my fiance at work all day asking him when he’ll be home, praying that he’ll be out earlier. i get so, so mad at him when he tells me a certain time and i practically wait at the window, watching for the car to pull in, and he doesn’t get home until two hours later because he had to stay later and didn’t tell me. instead of telling him that i’m upset because i was excited to see him, excited to have someone to talk to, i get mad at him for it because it feels so cruel to me. but he doesn’t know that i’m just desperate for adult interaction. i have no one to talk to, all day long. i have nothing to do, and it makes me feel worthless. i just wish he would understand that all i want is some support and for HIM to understand. i tell him “i wish you knew what it was like. i wish you could be in my place for a few weeks so you could understand how difficult it is. he doesn’t factor in my depression, because he acts like it’s non-existent. he gets mad and says “well i have to actually work” and makes me feel like me staying at home and mothering our child is a vacation while he’s doing all the “important” stuff. it makes me feel, again, worthless. and then when he tells me “well why don’t you get a job” in a degrading type of way, it makes me feel like i’m lazy, like i’m reliant on him for everything. but the fact is, no matter how badly i want to get back to the old me, i don’t want to be around people. it scares me. it makes me so unbelievably uncomfortable. and he doesn’t…get it. nor does he act like he cares to. it’s so hurtful to me and so frustrating and it’s the cause of so many of our fights. if he would just open up to me and TRY to understand, it would make things so much easier. i wouldn’t have to hide my feelings with anger and yelling and frustration. i could just TELL him, this is what’s wrong, and this is why. but i can’t. and it’s really making things a million times harder for me to have the one person i should be able to tell everything to not wanting to hear it. why don’t i deserve respect and support?

Struggling With the Changes (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Postpartum, Submissions 13 Comments

I found this website in a moment of weakness I was having with myself over issues with my body and I decided that since reading everyone’s stories and seeing their pictures that I couldn’t resist posting my own photos/story to maybe help someone else. I am 20 and actually planned a pregnancy (with my boyfriend of 5 years) due to the worry of infertility with age from issues with my reproductive organs. Anyways, I was very excited. I weighed 159 pounds (the most of my whole life) when I found out I was pregnant. I didn’t have a single stretch mark until I was 8 months and 2 weeks pregnant and then it seemed I got one with every breath I took. I was ALL belly which I thought was a good thing. My pregnancy was very rough on me, I lost over 20 pounds within the first 5 months from being so sick, then I finally gained some weight and kept gaining. I got pre-eclampsia at 38 weeks and was put in the hospital. I never progressed even with early labor and being induced therefore I had to have a cesarean (which I so DESPERATELY did not want!) It was very hard on me, it traumatized me but I had my baby, whom I love with all of my heart. My child never breastfed correctly so I pumped for four months and my milk literally dried up over night (yet another unexpected disappointment.) Anyways, I weighed 172 pounds the day I had my child, then while pumping I got down to 139, and now I am back up to 160! I don’t understand! I got on Nuvaring and it seems to be the best birth control of my life (the others gave me clots, gain weight, etc.) I’m not sure if the ring, stress, or negative body image is making me gain weight but I need help. I am struggling so much with my body image. I feel 6 months pregnant. My legs and arms need toning of course, but my breasts seem deflated and my belly just seems like a large (LARGE) unattractive lump that hangs over my jeans! I am sure that the way I look at myself doesn’t exactly turn my boyfriend on – which causes issues also. I just feel like I’ve never been satisfied with my body even when I weighed 100 pounds and I’ve never had a flat stomach but I am young. I want to be able to take my child swimming (which means me in a bikini – not happening.) I am not crazy about the stretch marks but I at least try to feel okay knowing that I got them from carrying my amazing child – yet the flabby jiggling belly is just wrecking me. I am just ashamed.

The first picture is 37 weeks pregnant.
The second picture is frontal stretch marks 8 months PP.
The third picture is my belly from the side, also 8 months PP.