Belly

I Feel Like a Woman! (Dessy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Hi! Thank all you beautiful mommies for helping me feel so much better about my body!

I am 23, and 18 weeks into my first pregnancy. The body changes have been hard for me to accept. I suffered from an eating disorder in my teens, so much so that I didn’t start having my period until I was 17! I went through a time of eating an average of 3 meals per week. I am 5’7″, and I didn’t get above 105lbs until age 19. Now, at 23, I was finally a healthy weight of 125lbs (or about, I threw away my scale over a year ago and decided to focus on overall health instead.) and I always felt I was fat. I started gaining weight rapidly with this pregnancy.

I am one of those lucky women who hardly had any morning sickness, so I packed it on. By the end of my first trimester I was up 15 lbs, and felt terrible about it! Everyone was telling me I was gaining too much, or commenting that I was showing way too soon. And now I’m up to 147 already! On top of this, my Husband is in Afghanistan (got pregnant on leave lol) and I am buying house by myself. Finally, i desperation and after much crying, I googled ‘How to feel beautiful pregnant’ and that is how I ended up here. After reading stories and seeing pictures, I started to feel much better about my body. I still have ‘off days’, but for the most part I am learning to love the extra curves pregnancy is giving me. Now I finally feel like a woman, whole and complete. I have never been this comfortable with my body! I am rockin’ these curves! ;)

With as much as I’ve gained already, I am fairly sure that I will never reach 125lbs again, but I have decided to set my postpartum goal at 140lbs, which for my height of 5’7″ should be very healthy. Through reading your inspiring stories, I even found the confidence to send my husband some sexy pictures of my rounder body… which he said he loves much more than the “skinny stick figure” he married lol!

These pictures are of me before becoming pregnant, at 125lbs, when I desperately wanted to lose weight

And me now at 18 weeks pregnant.

I can’t wait to come back and share my stretch marks and post-baby shape.

Scars of Beauty (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 5 Comments

I am a 23 yr old mom of 3 ages 4, 1, & 1 month old i am 8 wks pp 3 csections.I had my first @ 18 yrs old my pregnancy in the beginning was tough because I was living in an environment unhealthy to my child and to myself. Aside from the fact my child’s father was abusive the person we were living with one of his parents wouldn’t let us get food stamps, because they were too prideful and didn’t want to look like a state case. I and my unborn child were malnourished I weight less then 95lbs. Eventually I let that situation and got to a safe haven where I was fed and gained weight and my child was starting too look as though he was going to burst me open I went unmarked (stretch marks ) for 8 months then my son was born And i seen what had truly happened after my csection. I was devastated, insecure, my body had been destroyed by this cute lil baby. I grew so fast after leaving his abusive father & the environment in which We my unborn & i were being deprived of the nourishment we needed. I felt like It was a reminder of the things this person & his family put me through. But it was a reminder of our determination to thrive and survive. We made it. In 2008 We found a man to love us, his family loves us we fit right into his life perfectly. I got married i never thought I was beautiful I couldn’t stand my body so I didn’t see how a man could but he did. In 2009 3 yrs after my son was born I had my lil girl I gained not 1 extra mark she is the easiest lil person but I feared for her body and getting stretch marks like I did. And 16 months dec 2011 after her I have birth to my newest lil boy and I gained no extra from him.

These are scars that remind me of the path I chose for my survival and my 1st sons survival.

So in a way they are well earned

Trying to Find Beauty Among the Stretch Marks (Dani)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Pregnancies/Births: 1/1
Age: 21
My sons age : 1 month

I had a beautiful son January 8th, 2012, and on that day, I felt like a new person. All of a sudden, life had a meaning. I look into his eyes and I see his crazy, but amazing personality. And I cannot believe that I created something so amazing. He is my whole life. However, when I look in the mirror I want to cringe at how I look, and it makes me feel like a bad mom. I have this amazing little boy to hold and love, and I am concerned about my body? I have issues with my body for a long time, though….

I was always a little on the bigger side. My senior year of high school I finally tipped the scale at 170 pounds (I am 5’5”). I got so depressed. I started working out and eating a little less, I lost 25 pounds. Which that was good for a while. Then I started dating who is now my husband. Which he loves how I look and always has. But after a year of dating, his parents invited us to go camping for a week at a lake. I got so scared about being in a swimsuit. So, I started dieting and working out…It got so out of control. Over the course of a few months I went from 145 to 93 pounds. And I have kind of a medium build body, so I had bones sticking out everywhere, but I still felt so fat. Towards the end of my dieting disaster, I was only eating an apple a day. And even then I felt like it was going to make me fat. I would walk 2 miles to work, be on my feet for 8-12 hours and then walk the 2 miles back. I did this 6 days a week. And even then, I would sometimes wake up in the morning to go on a jog. But after a while, I had no energy. I even got tired just walking to the bathroom, but I didn’t care. In September, 2010 I missed my period and thought I was pregnant. So I put my selfish ways aside and started eating normal, for the sake of the possible child. I took many tests and they were negative. But just in case they were wrong, I kept eating and so my weight kept going up. I finally got my period again 3 months later. My doctor said my period stopped because I wasn’t eating enough. I was super devastated that I wasn’t pregnant, because I liked that idea. So, I decided to keep eating and then after a months of me getting healthier, my husband and I decided we would try to have a baby. We weren’t planning on succeeding the first month =)
I started my pregnancy at 130. By the time I delivered, I was a whopping 212 pounds. I have a thyroid problem, which was discovered halfway through my pregnancy. I didn’t have gestational diabetes and my baby and I were healthy, so I was hoping most of it would come right off after delivery….I was SOOOO wrong. I am not down to 180 pounds and cannot lose anymore. I am breastfeeding, and I was hoping that would help me lose weight, but I haven’t lost anything. I am watching what I eat, and exercising lightly. (I will exercise more once I get the okay from my doc at my next check up). I hate how I look…My belly is squishy and jiggly and just hangs there, and I have stretch marks like crazy (which is understandable since my son was 8 pounds 13 ounces!!!). But I hate it…i feel so gross…i still wear my maternity pants because the band holds in my sagging belly, which, wearing my maternity pants is pretty embarrassing too.

I don’t know what to do or think. I love my son and I wouldn’t change it for the world, no matter how bad I think I look. But, it’s tough knowing what I used to look like and then looking at how I am now. I guess I will have to get over it, cause it’s not like it’s going to change just cause I wish that it would…Once I am done breastfeeding him next year, I am going to go on a HEALTHY diet and exercise a lot more. I really don’t want to go back to how I was, but that is how I feel….I have to force myself to eat now because I ignore my hunger and feel guilty every time I eat. Oh well, I guess…I have beautiful son out of it, so I can’t complain too much =)

3 Years and 80 Pounds (Sarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 25
4 pregnancies/1 live birth
Daughter: age 3 years, 3 months.

When I was 21 years old, I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. I had three miscarriages prior to this pregnancy due to low levels of progesterone. I was told by the doctors that I would not be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy without hormone injections daily. Because of this, I refused to become excited about my pregnancy until I saw the doctor. I was afraid I would end up with a fourth miscarriage, but by some miracle I was able to carry my daughter E.J. without hormones! I stand at 5’11 and started my pregnancy at 190/195 lbs (I have a medium build and looked skinny at 190) but I walked out of the hospital at 262lbs. I was placed on bed rest for the final few months of my pregnancy due to pre-eclampsia (high bp etc) I was forced to quit my job and sit around. During this time I watched in horror as my entire body swelled. I can recall the day I phoned the doctor to ask them if it was normal that my feet were purple with white spots, they told me to hurry in. It was at the appointment that they determined they would have to induce my labor. A week or so later I was in the hospital being dosed with pitocin to start my labor. When I went in, I was 38 1/2 weeks and wasn’t even dilated at all. They had me on pitocin until the next day (overnight!) and when they checked me I hadn’t progressed at all. They told me this was unusual as most people are “thrown into labor” from this drug, but nope…not I. Instead, they broke my water. 2 hours later I was dilated to 3 and got my epidural, 7 1/2 hours after that I started pushing, and 30 minutes later she was born. Ten hours total for my first labor & birth. (I’m kind of afraid of how fast a second might go!) She was 6lbs 14 oz and I had gained over 70 pounds with her while I was pregnant. Fortunately, 30 pounds left within a week of my leaving the hospital but I spent the next 2 years working off the rest. I now weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy, but my body is entirely different.

The years it took me to lose weight were difficult ones. I was going through a divorce & a 1,000 mile move with a 2 year old and trying to lose weight. I did weight watchers for a few months and then quit when I realized I didn’t need to calorie count but rather switch to a healthier lifestyle. I’m a big foodie so I couldn’t just stop eating or minimize what I ate. Instead, I walked or worked out daily. Unfortunately, my body didn’t react to that at all. I lost 9 inches off my waist but my body never toned. To this day, three years later, there is no tone. I have been told after a loss of nearly 80 pounds I will likely need a little nip/tuck to get back to a flat tummy state.

Before finding SOAM, I was talking to a few friends who had similar issues but were only around 145 at their heaviest and thought they were “big girls.” This website has made me realize that I’m not alone in the battle of the baby blubber or the stretchmarked zebra tummy loathing. I’m so glad that I can physically SEE other women who have stomachs that look like mine, who struggle the way that I do, and who question if they’ll ever feel sexy/beautiful/confident again. After my divorce, I began dating my best friend from high school and we’ve been together since. He tells me I’m beautiful and that he is amazed by my body since it created a child. I wish I could see myself like that, through his eyes. I am thankful that after all I went through, I was able to carry my daughter to term and that she was a healthy baby. I know that she was my miracle baby and I wouldn’t trade what I went through for the world, but it would be nice if the rest of this baby blubber would just melt away…

The picture in the tank top is me at 262 pounds in 2008
The bathing suit picture is me at 262 in 2008 and recent pictures from October 2011.
The rest of the pictures were taken January 17th, 2012. (Size 12)
It took 3 1/2 years of hard work to get this far…and I’m no where near finished.
Note: I currently vary between 185-190 pounds.

She Was Worth it All (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 5 Comments

Age: 22

Number of pregnancies: 3
Number of births: 2
Age of children: 14 months

I was 16 years old the first time I got pregnant, and I was petrified. I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to, and my boyfriend made it quite clear that abortion was the only logical choice. He told me having a baby would ruin our lives, and that our families would be so disappointed in us. I knew he was right, I knew I was too young, and I knew my parents would be devastated, so I did it. Part of what drove me to my decision was fear because I had no one to talk to, but a big part was him, if he couldn’t support me in keeping our baby, I just didn’t feel as though I could do it. I was 11 weeks and 4 days the day of my procedure, on August 3, 2006, and my due date was February 18, 2007.

Two years later after my boyfriend and I had just moved into our first place together, I found out I was pregnant again. We were both working, supporting ourselves 100% financially, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying. When I told him he was extremely upset and pushed for abortion, again. But I told him no, I just couldn’t put myself through that a second time, there was no way, so I told him if he didn’t like my decision he could leave. The next thing I knew he was packing up all of his stuff, and then he left.

Once he left I questioned whether or not I should really go through with having a baby, because at that point in time I thought for sure I’d be doing it alone. After a few weeks of living with his mom though, she managed to talk some sense into him, and he came back home. Things were still not easy between us though, he was angry and distant, and I was scared, and because of everything going on between us only a few people knew until I was about 18 weeks. At that point in my pregnancy he finally decided to come around, and even started showing some excitement, but then everything took a turn for the worst.

At our 20 week ultrasound on October 9, 2008, we were told that our baby did not have a heart beat, and that because of the position the baby was laying in, they couldn’t tell us the sex, either. I was heartbroken, and my world felt like it came crashing down. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know what there was left to live for. Two days later I was induced into labor, and after 8 hours I delivered my baby by myself because no one made it into my room in time. When the nurse finally came, she told us it was a little boy, and she cut his cord, wrapped him up, and handed him to us. We got to hold him for 12 hours before we had to let them take him away, and that was truly the hardest part, just watching that nurse walk out of the room with him, knowing we’d never see him again. We named him Liam, and he was born on October 12, 2008, at 20 weeks and 2 days, weighing 10oz and measuring 7.5in long.

16 months later I found out that once again, I was pregnant. I really wanted to be excited this time, but right away I started having a lot of spotting and cramping. I went to the ER twice, and both times they told me it was a threatened miscarriage, so I expected the worst. I was heartbroken all over again, and it felt like I would never get to have a baby. But despite all the spotting, my little baby held on, and we later found out via ultrasound that I had partial placenta previa and a subchorionic hemorrhage which was the cause of all the problems. They both resolved by themselves though, and in the end I was able to have my natural birth that I’d always wanted. My little Amelia was born on November 17, 2010, at 40 weeks and 1 day, weighing 8lbs 3oz and measuring 21in long. She is my everything. (We picked the name Amelia Mae because it has Liam’s name in the middle of it).

During my pregnancy with my daughter I didn’t get a single stretch mark until I hit 37 weeks, when she very noticeably dropped. I wanted to cry when I first saw them, but they’ve faded a lot since having her, so I don’t mind them as much now. Luckily none of them were too deep, and most of them were below my belly button.

The first picture below is from when I was actually in labor, I wanted to get one last belly shot lol. The other two are from today, at 14 months post partum

Thanks for letting me share.

The Clothes Hide the Ugly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 9 Comments

Age: 19
One child who is 2 years old.

Hi, I love this site and love to see real bodies. I just wanted to confess that I have a mommy body. My stomach hangs like a W, I have stretch marks so large and small that cover my breasts, butt, stomach, hips, thighs, and behind the legs. And my breast are not full or perky. I am the most insecure woman you will ever meet. I wear baggy clothes to hide the muffin top and to avoid the mistake of accidentally showing my ugly stomach. I lost all my baby weight, but everything else still remains. All I want is for my stomach to be firm, the stretch marks to go away behind my legs so I can wear shorts, and for my boobs to look like 19 year old boobs. It bugs me everyday! Since the day I gave birth two years ago. I just want to feel confident and beautiful. Thanks for reading my story. =)

Adjusting to the Changes (mommy2m)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Hispanic, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

Age: 19
# of pregnancies and births: 1
7 days Postpartum
Prepregnancy weight: 155 lbs End of pregnancy weight: 197.8 lbs Current weight: 178 lbs
Height: 5’1″

My husband and I have been together since I was 13 and he was 15. We moved in with each other when I was 17 and planned to get married sometime within the next year. A few months after I turned 18, I experienced some burning while I peed and figured I had a UTI. The burning got worse and I started to feel a cramping sensation and I got concerned that it may have become a bladder infection. My husband (at the time he was my boyfriend,) took me to the emergency room where they took a urine sample and gave me a room to wait in. When the doctor came back, she asked me if there was any way I could be pregnant, and of course I was shocked and said no. She took a blood sample to confirm the urine result, and it came back positive. I was so shocked and scared that i immediately left the hospital against medical advice (she wanted to do an ultrasound.) The next day I got my antibiotics for the UTI and started doing a lot of thinking. We decided that we wanted this baby, despite how hard it might be to maintain going to college (which I started when I was 16,) raising the baby, etc. In June I had my first appointment with an OB and got to hear my son’s heartbeat for the first time. I found out I would be due to give birth on January 15th, 2012. When I was 28 weeks, I decided I wanted a natural birth at a birth center with a midwife. I found a wonderful midwife who was 100 times what my OB ever was. She was amazing!!

My water broke on January 11th, 2012. My labor did not start on its own so my midwife began natural induction methods. I did two rounds of castor oil, lots of breast pumping, walking, homeopathics, accupuncture, blue and black cohosh, several other labor tinctures, pineapple, accupressure… We literally tried everything possible and none of it started labor. On January 12th around 5 pm, we had to discuss transfer to a hospital for induction. She had given me more than the 24 hours they are supposed to allow for labor to start, and nothing had happened. I was 5 cm and 90% effaced, but I had been like this for about 2 days with no sign of active labor starting. I arrived at the hospital around 6:00 pm and at 7:30 pm, they started the Pitocin. My midwife, husband, mother and a very close cousin of mine all remained with me and supported me through my labor. I went 6 hours on Pitocin without the epidural using the hypnobirthing method, but when they upped the dose for the third time, I couldn’t tolerate the pain any longer. The contractions were coming at about 30 seconds apart and lasting over a minute long, and the back labor pain never went away. I thought I had to have reached transition and had the nurse check me. After 6 hours of Pitocin, I had not dilated at all, I was still at 5 cm and my cervix hadn’t thinned anymore. I was SO disappointed and the contractions just kept getting worse til I was pretty much just screaming non-stop. The birth ball no longer helped me, hip squeezes weren’t easing the pain, nothing was helping. My midwife suggested that I get the epidural saying that maybe my inability to relax was causing me not to dilate. After about 30 minutes of consideration, I did decide to get the epidural. The nurse checked me about 10 minutes after I received the epidural and I had dilated 2 cm already. After that I was able to relax and get some rest and they continued to up the dose of Pitocin (which my son was handling extremely well. His heart rate remained steady the entire time.) Around 5:45 am I called the nurse in and told her I felt the urge to push and was feeling a lot of pressure in my vaginal area. My son was starting to descend. She didn’t want me to start pushing yet because the OB was not there (another patient of his at the same hospital was delivering her baby when I wanted to start pushing,) but I pretty much told her I was going to push with or without her. She stayed with me and at 6 am after having the epidural stopped, I started pushing. Pushing was the most physical effort I have ever put into anything. When my son started crowning all I could think of was the incredible pain I was feeling. The nurse was doing perineal massage the entire time I was pushing, which really was super uncomfortable and somewhat painful. However, I really feel she stopped me from getting external tearing. My husband, mom, and cousin (my midwife had to go home around 4 am because of issues with her daughter,) all supported me so much through my whole labor but especially during pushing. All of their encouragement really helped me stay strong and push with all my might despite the discomfort and exhaustion I felt. The OB arrived when my son’s head was halfway out. My son was coming out in a twisted posterior position and with his hand by his hand so the OB acted quickly and twisted my son’s body into the proper position which helped me bring my son into the world within the next 30 seconds. As soon as my son came out, he was placed on my chest while the OB checked me for tearing and monitored my bleeding and placental delivery. All I could think about was how perfect my little boy is and how happy I was to finally have him here! The OB did find 2 2nd degree internal tears, which he quickly stitched up (I only need one stitch for each tear.) I am so excited to have my son!!!!!

However, I’m not sure how I feel about my body. I gained 43 pounds with pregnancy and have lost about 20.I have minimal stretch marks that seem like they’d be pretty hard to see with a little bit of tanning. But my stomach feels like a deflated balloon and my thighs feel like jelly. I like my breasts. They’ve always been big and perky, and now they’re just bigger, which I don’t mind haha. But I can’t get over my stomach and the weird linea nigra i got which sort of curves around my bellybutton (which I’m hoping will go away,) and the ugly scar I have from the bellybutton piercing I had until I was 5 months pregnant. I feel like there is no way my husband could still find me sexy, even though he tells me that he thinks I’m even sexier now. I guess I should believe him because he hasn’t changed his sexual tendencies (he’s always been really um sexually amped up lol, he has a serious libido,) but I guess I just can’t see what he finds sexy and it’s upsetting to me. I plan to start working out today, starting with just some light yoga and a long walk with the baby (if he’s happy,) and up the intensity in the coming days and weeks. Hopefully i’ll be back here soon with more confidence!

First pic: 36 weeks pregnant
Second pic: 7 days postpartum
Third pic: 7 days postpartum
Fourth pic: My son!
Fifth pic: My husband and son

Turning Trauma into Triumph (Raashida)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Piercing, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Age: 26
Pregnancies/births: 1/1
1 year post partum

I am so glad I found this website! Here is my story: I had a petty easy and uneventful pregnancy. I had few to no pregnancy symptoms. Food craving, a little emotional and hypersensitive sense of smell but that’s about it. I was active duty military when I had my son and towards the end of my pregnancy I had a routine appt with a really rude and nasty, insensitive doctor. I call the commander and told him that I did not feel comfortable having my baby on base and begged and cried (literally) to be referred to an off-base hospital but they did not refer me and when I went into labor and showed up to the hospital that same horrible doctor was on call and it all went downhill from there. He talked down to me and told me basically that I didn’t go to medical school therefore I didn’t know what was going on in my own body. I was talked into getting an epidural and pitocin which put my son in distress and after 23 hours of labor I was rushed in for an emergency c-section (by a different more awesome doctor)

I was horrified and traumatized by the whole event not to mention this is my first baby and for a while I didn’t want anymore children. I filed complaint against that doctor and wrote him several letters letting him know how his terrible bedside manner forever changed my life and my view on doctors in general. For the first few weeks I did not feel connected to my baby because I was so distraught over having to lay on the bed and have him cut out of me when it could have been avoided. I felt very alone and depressed. Eventually I came out of the cloud and now I wouldnt trade my baby for all the stars in the sky :)

I struggle with my post baby body and disfiguring c-section scar and the painful memories that come rushing back every time I look at it. I don’t think I look horrible but I definitely don’t feel sexy anymore. I haven’t really worked out consistently since having my son so I know I could look a lot better with a little effort. (I am in the process of getting a personal trainer) I did bind my belly immediatley after surgery which helped tremendously in weight loss and shrinking my belly back down. I also breast fed.

My struggles with weight obsession, addiction, depression and an unplanned troubled pregnancy (Lauren Elaine)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 2 Comments

~Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, due march 21st 2012

It started after the winter of 2009 when I was 18, I had made some very poor choices that year, endured physically abusive relationships. I was very depressed and self loathing. Then I weighed 190, at 5’ 4” I was considered overweight. I was going through a really rough time in my life and I truly hated myself. All through 2010, I turned to food to ease the pain that I felt. I would just eat and eat and kept putting on the pounds like nobody’s business. I thought that if I made myself ugly enough no man would want me, I thought that all men were pigs and I hated them all. I had always been proud that I had no stretch marks on my stomach but that changed in 2010, big ugly red welts sprang up on my love handles and they kept growing. I also began drinking heavily to dull the pain. I slept with my boyfriend for the first time on April 28th, 2010 on his birthday and I was truly quite drunk. Before that we had just been best friends but we had always said “I love you” to each other and I had known he had a crush on me for years but I thought I was too good for him (I feel like such a bitch looking back on this, if I had just dated him 4 years ago I could have saved myself so much pain and heartbreak and abuse). I weighed the most in January of 2011 at 220 pounds, considered obese. I had stretch marks everywhere! On my arms, my sides, by my belly button, the top of my thighs, my inner thighs, the back of my calves. I hated what I saw in the mirror. But I had a strange sense of satisfaction too, that this blanket of fat was my defense mechanism, that I would never be objectified again.

I was with my boyfriend at the time and he said that he loved my body even with all the stretch marks and cottage cheese which really surprised me, I think this is because he had always liked me (even though when we met I was a small 180). I began to come to terms with my self hatred, I realized that I didn’t want to be fat my whole life and who cares if guys looked at me again because I was with one guy and didn’t care what the others thought. I was tired of being fat, I wanted to be thin. In February 2011 I developed an eating disorder; I would work out for two hours a day and eat less than 1400 calories. I would get cranky and upset if I didn’t get to work out. I remember living off protein shakes and one day I didn’t eat at all. I was happy with my boyfriend but I still hated my body, now for the extra fat and the marks. I self medicated with marijuana, living in the moment, trying to forget the past, feeling that constant hunger. I dropped weight and fast. At first I was ecstatic because I had never lost more than ten pounds in my entire life. I worked very hard, spending hours on the elliptical and drinking gallons of water a day. I lost 50 pounds by June 2011 but my goal was an 85 pound weight loss to get back to what I was in 2006. In my obsessed state I even considered a 100 pound weight loss. I loved the compliments about how thin I was looking and how much weight I had lost, I was now 170 pounds. I was so proud to boast a 50 pound weight loss by the end of May 2011. But it was never enough, never enough weight loss, never enough pot to make me truly happy. I was so unhealthy; my hair fell out in clumps. I was starting to get a receding hair line from my starvation. I loved the smallness that I felt but I hated the loose skin and the marks that still remained even though they faded to silvery scars. What I hated most was the bags on my arms, I always envied the arms of skinny girls, how small and shapely they were. I baked in the sun because it made my stretch marks seem less noticeable, I lived in the gym. When I wasn’t at the gym or at work I was getting high with my boyfriend. I still don’t know how I could have worked out and smoke a pack a day.

I had stopped taking my birth control in January because it didn’t work well, I couldn’t stand the side effects. I thought every month that I was pregnant, and honestly I don’t know how it took so long, probably the starvation mixed with all the smoking. Anyways, I found out I was pregnant on July 25th 2011 when I was 7 weeks. That very day I gave up smoking. Cold turkey and I haven’t had a cigarette since! I’m so proud of myself not just for me but for the beautiful baby girl growing inside me. I truly believe that she saved my life! My little angel, I was on such a path of self destruction but she gave me focus and purpose. I stopped starving and I stopped self medicating. For the first time in two years I was sober for an extended period of time. I felt such trepidation about what the future might hold but I also was able to see through the fog of addiction finally and confront the problems of my past. I turned to faith when the bad memories overwhelmed me. I turned to faith when the addiction taunted and gnawed at me. And I was able to overcome! Because I knew that it was not just about me anymore, it was also about the beautiful baby that was growing inside me, she needed me to be the best that I could be.

Although I dealt with some queasiness during the first trimester I only threw up once. But I began to eat like a pig. I justified it with “I’m pregnant; I can eat what I want.” Not true, in the first two trimesters I had gained 25 pounds and I was back up to 195. I was disgusted with myself. I felt like I had done all that work this year for nothing. Luckily, I had room to grow because of all the loose skin so I haven’t had any new stretch marks until recently. I am currently 31 weeks and 205 pounds. I was dismayed at this gain, I had just lost all that weight, to be right where I started and I know I was only supposed to gain 15 to 25 pounds for my entire pregnancy. I just try to eat healthfully and I am counting calories. I do get tempted into self-loathing but I have to realize that I am not fat, I am pregnant. I have to be healthy and eat well for this little baby girl I already love so much. It was not an easy pregnancy. Addiction was the glue to me and my boyfriend’s relationship and now that I’m not high all the time there is a lot more tension. The first hurdle was making sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy. The second hurdle was quitting my job because I can’t work as a lifeguard while pregnant. The third hurdle was getting ripped off for a car from a girl that used to be my best friend but now is just a junkie. This was one of the hardest because I went from having two cars to having no cars and being out 1100 dollars. Also, trying to get around with a big belly and no car is really difficult.
At 20 weeks I went in to get an ultrasound to figure out the sex of the baby. The ultrasound technician was unusually quiet and spent a long time looking at my baby. She told me it was a little girl but seemed subdued and left the room abruptly. She came back to tell me that the doctor would have to come take a look. That’s when my boyfriend and I started to get nervous. Just the way she said it put us on edge. The doctor came and looked at my baby too and then told me the bad news. The ultrasound had some abnormal results, my baby had no nasal bone and echogenic or bright bowel which were both soft markers for Down’s syndrome and other chromosomal disorders and she recommended that I have an amniocentesis done to draw some amniotic fluid and check the babies DNA for any abnormalities. After leaving the hospital, I cried and cried. I went there so excited to find out the sex of my baby and to hear that she might not be okay was just the most heartbreaking thing. I am only 20 years old so I thought that something like this wouldn’t happen to me. The hardest thing was that the doctor wanted to rush the amnio in case I wanted to end the pregnancy. That broke my heart, I already felt so much love for that little girl I couldn’t even picture terminating her just because she wasn’t perfect. We went to the genetic counselor a few days later and she told us about the risks, that there was a 1 in a 1000 chance that I would have a miscarriage but that the results of the DNA test were 99.9% accurate and that would give us peace of mind. We had to wait a few hours for the amnio, when we finally went into the room the nurse was very friendly and I’m sure that she had dealt with young scared parents in the past because she put me at ease saying that it would hurt less than getting blood drawn. They sterilized my belly and looked for the baby on the ultrasound to make sure that she was not in the way. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. The doctor stuck a huge 8 inch long needle in my belly, I didn’t look down I kept my eyes trained on the screen where I could see my little ones arms moving dangerously close to that needle. The pain was so intense. I felt my whole uterus contract and reject the foreign object that was threatening my little one. I felt panic, that she wouldn’t be okay. I began to hyperventilate; each vial they filled jarred the needle and caused excruciating pain. I was whimpering and I felt the needle move with each breath. The nurse told me to calm down and breathe deeply. I had my boyfriends hand in a vice grip. I felt really violated and worried, when they took the needle out and turned the ultrasound off I kept staring at the screen wanting to see baby girl some more. I felt the tears coursing down my face, out of nowhere it seemed. I recovered quickly though as I was curious to see the vials that they had filled with my womb juice. I joked with the nurse about the yellowish color and how it was literally baby pee. But when she left the room I had to collect myself, wipe my eyes and just lay there for a second staring at the ceiling, so glad that the horror was over. The healthcare providers had made it seem like a painless procedure but it was really quite invasive and produced weird protective emotions in me. It was the most stressful time in my pregnancy, not knowing if she was going to be healthy or not. When I got a call the next morning, I was still half asleep but when she said that the preliminary results of the amnio were in I was wide awake. She said that the baby had normal DNA and was for sure a girl. I was overjoyed! But also a bit mad, I had been so worried and put so much emotional thought into the idea that she might not be okay, I felt like I had been made to worry for nothing.

In the end, I’m glad that the doctors said something, they were only doing their job, it’s better to be safe than sorry. And I’m glad that I got the amnio done because now I can enjoy the rest of my pregnancy without having to worry if baby girl will be okay or not. I’m so grateful that she is but nothing could stop me from loving her either way! She is my angel and I’m proud to say that even though she wasn’t planned or expected she saved my life. She gave me purpose, before I was a pot smoking procrastinator and now I’m taking the steps that I need to take with the goal of going to medical school and becoming a doctor. She gave me this direction and this purpose. I can’t wait to meet the sweet little kicker that has been keeping me up at night. Thank you for saving my life, baby!

The before picture was taken in the summer of 2010, alcohol in hand! and the after picture was taken June 2011 at 170 lbs, I was probably days from conception
The second picture is about 18 or 19 weeks, a few weeks before the amnio, around 185 or 190 lbs
The third picture is my belly now, at 30 weeks and 200 lbs

My Body is Alive and Ever-Changing (Tessa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

Tessa – 21 years old, mother to a 2 year old, and expecting another little boy in April 2012!

This is my third entry.
Two previous entries, here and here.

My last entry I had decided to do something about my unhappiness with my body. I was 16 months post partum and I realized it was up to me to get active if I wanted to lose the weight. My body didn’t have “bouncing back” it its dictionary. It just didn’t exist. So I took charge. I started up and kept up with the standard P90X schedule as best I could for the full 90 days. Slowly some pounds did start to come off, but not as fast as I liked. I was displeased on day 90. I was upset I hadn’t yet reached my goal, I was upset that I was still 138lbs, about 13-18lbs above my weight goal. I remotivated myself with Tony’s expression, “Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was your body!” I decided to take a short break before I started up with round 2.

… and then I discovered I was pregnant. We were happy, shocked(surprise!), and I was having some anxiety about packing on more lbs when I had still more to lose. I decided to continue exercising as long as I could, and I did.. until the morning sickness hit at 6-7 weeks. Like my first pregnancy, I was sick all day, all night. I could hardly move or function until nearly 16 weeks pregnant, so exercise was out of the question. I started feeling better, but I didn’t jump back into exercising. I was being lazy. I began feeling very down about my body and weight gain (even though I was eating healthy and not gaining too much). I didn’t have a positive body image about my growing belly at all. I hated and felt that my pregnant belly was not “cute” like the first time around. I had all these stretch marks and extra skin. My pregnant belly wasn’t a cute, perfect round bump. It was frumpy, scarred, and just not what I pictured as a cute pregnant belly.

Starting about 26weeks pregnant, I finally decided it was now or never. I told myself I’d be active through this pregnancy, and gosh darn it, I had to keep my word. Since, I’ve done my best to do 10-20 minutes of exercise every day (using Tony Horton’s 10 Minute Trainer). I use weights up to 10 lbs and focus a lot on arms, legs, some cardio, and stretching. I haven’t been at it long enough to notice any change in my body, but I felt an immediate change in my sense of self esteem. I didn’t feel as disgusted when looking in the mirror. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant, and 20 lbs gained despite strict diet. I’m hoping to keep my total weight gain under 40 lbs, and I believe I can achieve that. I’m coming to terms that I’m just NOT one of those people that ONLY gain in the belly, and that I can expect to get “fluffy” in other areas. My body simply responds to pregnancy hormones by building up fat stores, and that is completely normal. I’m just trying to avoid the 70lb+ weight gain I experienced with my first son! I know now how hard that weight comes off, and I know the negative outcome of producing a much too large baby.

I am planning an unmedicated, natural VBAC in a hospital 1 hour away with a wonderful midwive group overseen by a very natural birth friendly doctor! Not only is exercising for my own self esteem, but it is for the health and success of my VBAC baby. My first baby was 9lb 13oz. I’m hoping to produce a smaller baby, but there were many other things that contributed to the train wreck that landed me in a csection with my first son. I’m also seeing a chiropractor regularly to keep my body healthy and baby optimally positioned for labor. All around, I’m feeling much better this pregnancy and am hopeful that a much better birthing experience will leave me feeling empowered in such a remarkable way that I will not suffer as much as I did with my body image after my first son.

All in all, I know my body will continue to change. It is my job to keep it as healthy as I can, no matter what society tells me it “should” look like. Just when I thought I was getting closer to the a more perfect body, plans changed and I’m growing again. And I’ll have to lose weight again. My body is not stagnant. It is alive and ever changing. And I’m doing my best to embrace that in a positive and healthy way that leaves me encouraged and motivated to stay healthy! I do not want to accept myself as overweight, nor do I want to accept society’s view of a perfect body. I merely want to be active, toned, healthy, and happy with the appearance of my own body, as well as a good example to my own children to lead healthy, active lives.

1st picture is before/after of 90days of P90X
2nd picture is 5 weeks pregnant
3rd picture is comparison of Summer 2010(overweight!) and Summer 2011 after completing 90 days of P90X!
4th picture is me at 27 weeks pregnant, working my arms!
5th picture, my 2 year old boy!
6th picture, our little boy due in April on ultrasound!
7th picture is my growing belly at 5, 12, and 16 weeks
last picture is comparison of my belly from first son, to this pregnancy at 20 wks