Belly

Light at the End of the Tunnel (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 5 Comments

Previous post here.

I wanted to post an update. In my previous entry, I was 3 weeks pp, and now I am 6 months pp. I still visit this site daily and find encouragement and inspiration in all of the stories written and shared. Every one on here is beautiful and each experience unique; that is what we all need to embrace and LOVE about ourselves. We all have gone through a common experience of carrying a child, but beyond that all of our stories are different. Some of struggle, some of pure bliss, some of uncertainty, some of pain, some of heartache, some of selflessness, some stories that make me want to reach through the computer and hug the original poster, etc… at the end of each story, however, is the same thing; we love our LO’s with all of our hearts, we couldn’t have imagined a love so strong and a dedication so deep beyond the needs of ourselves. We couldn’t imagine life another way…BUT we want our old bodies back!!! Even as much as we hated our bodies pre pregnancy, we wish we had that body of imperfection rather than this body we see today. Guess what. This body today performed a miracle (or maybe two or three, or more!!) and the new “imperfections” we are so quick to point out are those of which tell our unique story.

Trust me, this has been a very difficult concept for me to accept. I will be the first to admit I have spent countless hours searching the internet on mini tummy tucks, tummy tucks, total mommy makeovers, thermage, ItWorks body wraps, etc, etc, etc… but over the past two months I decided to make a change within myself. I started to eat better. I’m not on any fad diets and I definitely don’t deprive myself. But I make it a point to drink lots and lots of water every day. I am always a happier person when I am “fit” so I started a work out routine. Being a full time working mom of 2 and a student, this is difficult to squeeze in but I manage a 25 minute workout MOST mornings and it kicks my arse! Then on weekends I try and do a couple miles run. Other than that, no drastic changes. Even though I haven’t made big changes to my eating and I’ve only incorporated a tiny bit of exercise, I can see a big change in my body, my confidence is through the roof and I am a much happier mom and wife.

I used to look in the mirror in disgust. Most recently I noticed my boobs had shrunk in size and aren’t as perky as they once were. But when I have a good bra on I can sport a v-neck or low cut shirt with “cute/attractive” cleavage rather than the “in your face” cleavage I used to have. I think smaller boobs are more classy ;) And to be honest, I have always wished for smaller boobs. Recently I was thinking breast implants to regain the perkiness but now I look in the mirror and appreciate the softness of them. They seem so feminine and womanly. Maybe I’m having a good week and will have a moment down the line of wanting breast implants again. Either way, I am learning to accept the changes my body has gone through, and continues to go through pp and with age. Underneath it all, I am simply striving to just be a good and better person. That’s what matters most at the end of the day anyways.

So as we wake up each morning and pick apart our “flaws”, let’s do ourselves a favor and weasel in at least one positive compliment to ourselves to kick start our days. Maybe eventually that one compliment will turn into more and take over our self confidence and society as we see it today can kiss all of our butts when we flaunt our mommy bodies with pride!!

I may not be magazine perfect, but airbrush me and I’m damn near close ;) hahahahaha (that’s sarcasm but a sneak peak to what I tell myself to boost my confidence!) I’m far from where I want to be but I know I will get there. And in the meantime, I’m a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, a good sister, and a hard worker, among other things. I am more than my skin and appearances. And so are you. We aren’t perfect, nor will we ever be, but we are who we are and we need to love us. I want my daughters to love themselves the way that I love them, so I need to love myself the way that my mom loved me (she passed Nov. 2012 and the one thing that sticks in my brain every time I find myself dissecting my image in the mirror is her telling me “you have a nice figure, you always have and can wear anything you want because you always look cute”). I would never think less of my daughters if they sported the loose skin, stretchmarks or any other scars, so why do I think less of myself?

Here are some pictures of me 6 months pp.

My journey from flab to fab abs – I know I can do this! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Butt, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 9 Comments

When I was only 18 y/o I had my first son at 10 pounds and 22 inches. I am only 5 ft. I gained 60 pounds and wound up with nasty stretch marks. I’m now pushing 23 and it has been 4 yrs since I’ve worn a bikini. I had my daughter in june 2012. She weighed 6 lbs and left me no marks. This beginning of march 2013 I started training hard at a local gym. I do cardio and intense weight traning. I feel so let down sometimes when I look in the mirror, I hate comparing myself to friends putting sexy summer photos on their web pages. I just want to be sexy again and for my husband. My husband met me with all my marks, but hey I’m young, so why shouldn’t I get fit and prove to myself that I can do this. I’ve come a long way already….has anyone actually reduced the marks with exercise? I’m thinking of laser or bluelight therapy.

(Excuse all the upside-down photos. My computer won’t save them upright for some reason. Gah. -Bonnie)

From Hating Myself to Having it All (H.L.)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

Hello everyone,
I want to firstly mention that this blog does so much good for mothers and I am proud to finally add my submission. I had my first child at 17. I had no idea what I was in store for emotionally or physically at the time. It always really bugged me that none of my female family members took the time to prepare me for what would happen to my body after having a child, but honestly… none of my female family members bodies turned out anywhere near as bad as mine. My mother had me at 17 and I was her only child, she never even had a single stretch mark. I went from being 16 and JUST FINALLY getting boobs and becoming a women to having my body completely changed. A lot of the reason my body suffered as much as it did is the fact that I am extremely petite, I am only five feet tall and have almost no torso.

My first child did most of the damage but with each child (three total) following it got worse and worse. I gained and lost weight after and in between each pregnancy as most people do and of course breastfed my children which made my breasts sag and stretch just as much as my tummy. I spent 7 years yo-yoing, trying to get rid of the weight which I thought would get rid of the skin, I wore hard, tight compression garments daily just to be able to wear normal clothing without my tummy showing through my clothing. I always wanted a tummy tuck to fix my tummy because I knew my tummy was an extreme case that could only be fixed surgically. My husband and I had our third and final child 02/14/2011 and we decided to have my tubes tied not only because we were done having children, but because we knew that at some point in the future that I would finally have a tummy tuck and would not want to risk an accidental pregnancy after.

In August of 2012 I decided I couldn’t live with my body anymore and for the first time in my life I was seriously overweight. My heaviest weight was 185lbs and I decided it was time for a consultation with a plastic surgeon. I went in and had a consult and we put our down payment on the surgery scheduled over three months down the line so we had time to save for the surgery and for me to kick butt and shed as much weight as I could before the surgery. By the time my surgery arrived on 12/13/12 I had lost 35lbs and was at my goal weight for the operation. I had my tummy tuck and now I have my body back. I feel so blessed to have a beautiful family, loving spouse and my self confidence back. It was hard work to lose the weight and save the money for the surgery but it completely changed my life.

The point of my submission is that the joy that comes with parenting doesn’t have to come at a cost. You can say I have my cake (my kids) and I am eating it too.

I included a collage of pictures before my surgery and some photos from after. The before pictures are after I lost 35lbs right before the surgery. The difference between the before and after photos is only 5lbs! All 5 of those lbs were skin. I also want to mention that with my tummy tuck I had a Mons Pubis excision. As many of you know, after having children (especially if you have lots of excess skin) your vajay-jay can sag and become puffy, the Mons Pubis surgery corrects it.

I wish you all the best on your journey of finding, accepting and loving yourself no matter WHAT works for you.

Age: 25
Three pregnancies, three births, children’s ages (8,6,2)

Update – Pregnant by choice, body fears reappear. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Age 25
Pregnancies 2
One 5 year old and currently 18 weeks pregnant

Previous post here.

I was in top shape at 133 and toned and decided I wanted another baby. We are having another boy. And at 17 weeks I feel fat, and ugly… I fear that I will become depressed as I did with my first child. Worried that my body will become worse , I worry about each pound I gain, and just want to be able to work out to loose it again… I feel horrible that I’m not loving pregnancy as I do crew first time, just critical of my body all over again.

1st – progress over the two years before 2nd pregnancy last is 130 lbs
2nd photo – 1 month
3rd photo 4 months

Healing and Hopeful (Kerry)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Birth, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions, Update 15 Comments

22 years old
2 pregnancies 2 births
3 years 11 months, and 13 months PP

Most recent post here.

I’ve posted a few entries in the past, here is one, the last one was almost 2 years ago. Reading back on my posts I read the things I was trying to convince myself to believe, but wasn’t quite there yet. I thought if I wrote it and saw my pictures I might start believing it. Truthfully though, I hated my body. HATED it, though I so desperately wanted to feel beautiful. I was apprehensive about posting all of this with my name, and my face, but it is who I am.

As you can tell, if you look at the pictures in my old posts, I yo-yoed with weight, from saying I felt fabulous at 165, and then dropping 40lbs by my final entry. I’ve been wanting to write a new entry for a while now, since I started healing. So here it goes :)

I got pregnant with my second child in April 2011 (10 days after weaning my son!) we practiced NFP but he was home for 1 day in between trips and “in the moment” hormones took over. I hadn’t wanted a second child because the emotional roller coaster that happened as a result from my first pregnancy, birth, and bodily change was so horrific that I wasnt sure I would be able to handle it again. I had PPD for the first 10 months, which went untreated because I did not want to acknowledge failure, which is what I felt it was.

My husband was never that great of a guy, I had had him arrested for domestic violence and every apartment we lived in I had to patch and fix before we could move out; he had quite the temper, along with substance abuse. He had wandering eyes and blamed it on me, my lack of sex drive (3-4x a week was not enough) and my ruined body and lack of desire to get in shape to turn him on. I was told about all the beautiful girls he had been with, and since I was ruined I was lucky to have him and even if he left me I’d never find a man who would find me attractive. I didn’t want to bring another kid into the mix, I hated the fact that my son had to know this life. When I was 4 months pregnant he admitted that he had been cheating on me with my co-worker/best friend, I left him that week. I packed up what I needed, and moved my two year old son and myself into a room in my parents house. Leaving an abusive, controlling relationship was the hardest thing I ever did. I wanted so badly to go back,” I was comfortable with it, I could put up with it.. it wouldn’t get THAT much worse” thankfully I held firm and after 7 months of going to counseling individually and as a couple with elders from my church, without seeing a change on his part, I filed for divorce. God blessed me with an amazing family, and church family that supported me and encouraged me every step of the way. I had an amazing second home water birth, 4 hours of light labor and 10 minutes of intense labor. My daughter was born at 41 weeks exactly, perfect in every way :) I never got PPD after her birth, I had my placenta encapsulated and took that, but I think more of it had to do with the fact that I was in an encouraging, loving environment this time around. Fast forward a year and here I am. I’m still living with my parents, but I am a full time student going for my RN, I have two beautiful kids who are safe and do not have to see that life. I am so thankful, God is good!

That process was the beginning of my healing. Discovering that I might just be a worthwhile human being who might just be beautiful, who might just have a brain (I am maintaining a 4.0 GPA!), and who, someday, someone might truly cherish. I took the power back. I continued to eat healthy and stay active throughout my pregnancy, quitting work as a CNA at 35 weeks. I felt awesome after she was born and started the couch to 5k program when she was 3 weeks old. I was doubtful, I just wasnt a runner… I wasnt made to run. I completed my first 5k within 9 months :) I started doing crossfit when she was 7 month old and it’s pretty safe to say I’m hooked! I absolutely love working out. It’s no longer something I feel I have to do to try to look attractive, or that my body is so disgusting that its the only solution. I’m strong, I’m powerful, I’m good at what I do and I get such enjoyment out of it! Last week I deadlifted 226lbs, I failed at 130 6 months before, needless to say I was pretty happy, not stopping here though! After giving birth I lost the weight pretty quickly, and settled at 133, where I have been for the last 9 or 10 months, I eat clean (though the occasional bag of almond M&Ms and lattes have to be snuck in ;) ) I am not interesting in losing any weight, I like where I am at and feel awesome. Just love challenging my body and getting stronger and faster. I am signed up to do the Tough Mudder in May. The idea of getting married again some day and a man seeing my body still makes me a little apprehensive, not going to lie.. and I find myself second guessing things like wearing a two piece because my belly will show, but I am reading This Momentary Marriage by John Piper and there was a chapter on being naked and not ashamed, and how it was not due to perfect bodies. It doesn’t mean no stretchmarks, or “perfect” measurements, or straight teeth.. but that the love of a husband (or wife) does not see and pick apart those imperfections, but loves the spouse as a whole. I was floored. I felt hope.

Sorry this is so long, I still struggle with my saggy breasts, and stretchmarks from time to time, and Im not sure if those struggles will ever be gone for good, but I feel real, and I feel alive, and most days I feel beautiful. Over the last two years the biggest transformation is not of my body, but of my mind and soul. I cant stop smiling on the inside, or just saying “God is good, God is so good!” I am healing :) I hope that my story reaches out to at least one woman out there who can take encouragement from it.

pictures 1 & 2 are from my daughters birth
picture 3 is me deadlifting 226lbs
picture 4 is my stomach presently

Is my vagina ruined? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Submissions, Vulva 38 Comments

It took me awhile to conceive my 1st child, so when I found out I was pregnant I was thrilled. It didn’t take long though for my anxiety to set in and for my body issues to only be exasperated by my growing and changing physique. I gained 60 pounds during those 9 months. For someone who was abused and constantly told I was ugly and fat as a child by my father, this really put me in a bad place. I tend to gain weight very easily and a lot of it was water weight but it was still something I felt shame for. Every single time I went to my checkups, I dreaded the scale. I worried about what people thought of me, I hated the way I looked and didn’t want pictures taken of my pregnant belly. Fast forward to now, my son just turned 2. He amazes me every.single.day and is my pride and joy. I still have some of my baby weight, my breasts have changed, and I feel that my vagina looks different as well. My vagina is something that I’m actually quite concerned about….it’s my biggest issue. I had incontinence for the first 9 months or so after birth but that seems to have resolved itself for the most part. Sometimes I will pee a teeny bit if I sneeze or cough hard enough. But the opening of my vagina seems wider and longer to me. The hole is definitely different and seems to go quite far down, almost to my anus. I only tore on my labia according to my midwives so I don’t understand why it looks so different. Sex is pretty good and hasn’t changed dramatically but I do notice that I’m a bit softer inside and I feel less friction. I definitely don’t feel as tight as I used to feel and that worries me. I want more children but am concerned about furthering the damage down there. I’ve even started obsessively looking up c-sections, and vaginoplasty. Will my vagina get worse with each baby?? Every medical professional I saw prior to giving birth assured me that nothing would change and that everything would eventually return to normal but I disagree. I feel like this is a subject that isn’t discussed amongst women, and if it is, it’s not done openly and candidly. I have suffered so much mentally over this fear that my vagina isn’t pleasurable anymore and that if I have more babies it will only get worse. I don’t know what to think. I feel so abnormal and alone and that’s why I came here.

You may also choose to include:
~Age:27
~Number of pregnancies and births:3 pregnancies, 1 abortion, and 1 miscarriage.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 year old child.

The more graphic images are available here and here.

From a good-looking girl to a zebra mom. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Hair Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 12 Comments

Hello ladies! First of all, my first language in not English so if I write something wrong please forgive me :)
I am 22 years old, got pregnant when I was 21. All in my life I was slim and good looking (thats what others said) 50kg, 162cm with long dark hair.

By the time I was 9 months pregnant I was 69kg… +19kg!!!
My pregnancy started with horrible morning sickness but other than that I was fine.
Except my hair… my hair started to dry out and fall out.
People told me it happens sometimes because baby takes everything of me.
I was a little bit sad because of my hair but I still didnt know thats just the last thing I have to worry about.
We found out we are having a baby girl , we were so excited and happy. I stopped working when I was 8 months pregnant.
My belly was beautiful and the skin was smooth and perfect even when I was 35 weeks…
People told me Im so lucky , I havent got any strech marks at all…
I always did care about my skin a lot, when I found out Im pregnant, I bought a bottle of strech mark oil from Boots straight away…
and I used it every single day. When I passed 35 weeks, my belly started to itch more and more every day.
One day I woke up with a few red and painful lines on my tummy.
And they just got bigger and bigger all around my hips, boobs, legs.
By the time I was 9 months pregnant, I couldnt even wear any top because my skin was so painful and itchy, it was horrible…
I gave a natural birth at week 41 to our gorgeous baby girl in the beggining of December 2012
She was 3.5kg and 51cm. We came home and the new life is started… :)
Everything was fine and my partner was so happy and proud… happy happy happy end…?
Not really…. I gave birth 3 months ago and I ve gone back from 69kg to 61 in december.. and I just put 4kg back on in the past 2 months so Im 65 again…
My skin just totally demaged, reminds me to a Zebra…My hair is still not growing and dry like a brush…. it puts me down so much I dont know how to accept myself. I keep saying this to people around me
and they all trying to cheer me up but thats never gonna help, I would do anything to get my skin back. I feel terrible , I would cry every single day If I would be on my own.
Im never gonna be confident and never gonna like the girl in the mirror again. It effects my love life as well because Im just hiding myselft constantly.
Im using BIO-OIL from the day I gave birth,dont think its gonna make a big difference but anyway… at least something…

By the way, I just want to say thank you for people who read my story and I wish all the best for all of you!
I hope we all gonna find the way to love ourself again.

Number of pregnancies and births: First Pregnancy

pre-pregnancy photo
photo-week 24.
photo-week 30.
photo- week 34.
photo-week 35.
photo-week 39.
and the last 3 photos are just now, 3 moths after the birth.

Trapped in Someone Else’s Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

Age: 24

I just had my first (and last) child on September. I had a scheduled c-section. He was 10lbs and 2oz when he was born. I am only 5’1” and before I got pregnant I was only 95lbs. The day I went into the hospital I was 149lbs!!!! Mostly, water and one giant baby, but still huge all the same. I really didn’t gain weight anywhere else except my stomach during my pregnancy and the skin was still stretched tight up til he was born. I didn’t really have many stretch marks either til the last month and they really made up for lost time. I lost almost all the weight without dietary change or exercise right off the bat and then just completely plateaued right after that initial loss. I breast fed for the first three months til I couldn’t anymore. I still don’t know what happened. I was overproducing and then it just stopped coming out creamy and in then needed amounts. My breasts seemed to immediately shrivel up right after that. I was always about a 32D and a full DD when I was breast feeding and now they are just these tiny droopy pancake boobs that make me cringe when I see them in the mirror. In fact, seeing any part of my naked body anymore legitimately makes my skin crawl. I feel like there is no hope for any kind of salvage to my body anymore and my stomach is just going to look like a leather handbag forever. Did I screw myself because I didn’t exercise from the beginning? Is there really any nonsurgical way I can get rid of this disgusting extra skin? I am usually hovering between 105 and 110, so not overweight I guess, but you couldn’t tell. I’ve been going to the gym when I can and doing five miles on the elliptical or 1 mile on the treadmill and it doesn’t seem to be making any difference. Even carrying around my now more than 20lb son doesn’t seem to help. My stomach is still saggy and sticking out further than my breasts. I am just morbidly depressed about the state of my body and go out of my way to avoid letting anyone see it because of my extreme embarrassment I know pregnancy changes your body, but no one else seems to be nearly this far gone. Anyway, any insight on any of this would be tremendously helpful. I seriously am just so lost and depressed and don’t know where to go from here.

Photo: Year before pregnancy/ 4 days before Cesarean/ 5 months postpartum.
Photo 2: Adrian. (3 months old)

Uncomfortable in My Skin (Kel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 34
Pregnancies/Births: 5/3
Time PP: 25months
Ages of Children: 5 1/2 years, 4 years and 25motnhs

I am an Aussie stay at home mum of three beautiful bright, perfect and healthy children. They light up my life and I adore them all. I also have an amazing husband. We have been with each other for almost 15 years. He rocks my world.

Our journey to parenthood began unexpectedly. Four months after being with my (then boyfriend, now my hubby!), I accidentally fell pregnant at 19 when the condom broke and he didn’t tell me, because he wasn’t aware of the morning after pill! I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was about 12 weeks along (my hubby was away in the armed forces during this time), because I had been having spotting and cramps like I was having a light period.

My boyfriend came home after 12 weeks deployment, and I was still spotting and cramping. I thought it wasn’t normal and I told him I was worried something was wrong with me. He then told me what happened and I could be pregnant. So I did a test, and hey presto, I was expecting! I had cramping and bleeding on and off for the duration of the pregnancy and as a result, I quit my course I was studying because it was our testing and assessment period at the time and to try to be a bit more relaxed and to help my baby grow I thought it best to quit. Sadly, our baby was not to be, and at 17 weeks we found out we had lost our little boy, who we named Joshua. I was terribly devastated, despite this pregnancy being such a surprise, I was desperate to be a mum, and have wanted to be one since I was tiny myself.

After being induced and giving birth, I was fairly sick. I ended up hemorrhaging badly around 3 weeks after giving birth, due to retained products of pregnancy, I had several blood transfusions but I was still weak. I was very sick and was in hospital for the first time in my life, without my partner, who was once again overseas on deployment. I was young and scared and broken. I was (what I now realise), suffering with Post Natal Depression (PND). I gained some weight, about 7-ish kilos (15 pounds). I was sick for a long time after losing so much blood, and had to had iron infusions and just couldn’t do things because I was so weak. Working and school just weren’t options. I slowly got well again, with the support of my partner and mum.

After our first loss, my partner and I were much stronger as a couple. We got married and moved in together and lived a wonderful life doing the things young people do, whilst we were young and before we really started trying to have a family. When we were 27 (after being together for 8 years and married for 4), we decided it was the time in our life to start a family, so we started trying for a baby. I was a little worried and stressed out about it, and terrified of losing another baby. We fell pregnant after about 4 months of trying. We were ecstatic but cautious. Work was stressful for me at this time. I was also studying at university and we were looking at buying a home. My partner was only working part time and also studying at university.

Sadly again, this baby was not meant to be. At 11 weeks we found out I had lost the baby again. Another little boy. All testing and medicals came back as being normal, there was no explanation as to why I was losing our babies. After this we put off trying for another baby for several months. But it consumed me. All I wanted was a child with my husband. I was so sad and down. Through my depression, yet again I gained some more weight (and hadn’t lost the weight I gained before) about another 5-6 kilos (12 pounds) was added to my little 164 cm (5’4”) frame.

Six months or so passed, and hubby and I decided we would try again. We didn’t fall pregnant for about 6 months. I was so petrified I would not be able to have children. When we finally did fall pregnant again, I was scared. Particularly when I started spotting again. I was fraught with fear of losing my baby again. At work I took on a lesser position with less stress. I put my uni course on hold and just tried to relax in general. I had early ultra sounds and tests every few weeks to make sure my hormones were doing what they should when pregnant.

And they did. Thank goodness, this baby was a sticky one. My belly grew and I loved being pregnant. I didn’t suffer from the worse types of pregnancy ailments. No morning sickness or other illnesses. Just a bit of heartburn and pain in my back, I enjoyed this pregnancy. Finally I had my beautiful rainbow baby and she was stunning. The most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. We were smitten. But she was a difficult baby. I had a bit of birth trauma after a long, induced birth, as well as having post postpartum hemorrhage and needing blood transfusions. I had difficulty breastfeeding. I now suspect my daughter had reflux. She didn’t sleep much, woke often and was hard to settle. She was partially breastfed and bottle fed, and I was pumping and doing bottles, and trying desperately to get her fully breast fed, though that never happened. There were lots of tears from both of us through the first 6 months of her life.

I was having issues with how my body had changed with pregnancy. My husband and I were going through a lot within our marriage trying to sort out how to be a family of 3. I hadn’t gained much weight during pregnancy and actually weighed less after birth than I did pre pregnancy. But now I was gaining more weight I was now around 80kg (176 pounds). I hated myself, I wasn’t as good at being a mum as I thought I would be. I was doing it tough, and again, in hind sight I realise I was suffering with PND.

It was around Christmas time, 7 months after I gave birth to our gorgeous daughter. I would be returning to part time work and University in the new year. Then I found out I was pregnant. Merry Christmas!! Whist my husband and I wanted more children, we were planning on waiting until I had finished uni and he had settled into his new job and just when life was more settled in general. But clearly the universe had other plans for us.

This pregnancy was easy early on. I had none of the bleeding or cramping I had with my previous pregnancies. Which was great, since I had to throw myself back into work and studying, as well as now being a mummy. Our daughter was becoming easier to care for. She was sleeping better, and was becoming an absolute joy to parent. Until about 6 months into the pregnancy, that is.

Sadly, I started really struggling within myself again. A doctor diagnosed AND/PND (ante natal/post natal depression) he told me I needed to sleep better and relax more. What a laugh that was!! Things were getting tough to deal with again. I failed a subject at uni. Work was getting harder due to my size with the pregnancy (I am an early childhood teacher). I was huge this time. I had minor polyhydramniosis (excess fluid around the baby), plus he was a big baby, always measuring large at doctor appointments. I had back and pelvic issues (SPD and sciatica), I have severe reflux and later on got pretty bad odema (swelling) in my hands and feet.

Finally the time came to give birth again. I was determined to do it naturally this time, we hired a doula and I researched a lot. He was born at 4.2kg and 56.5cm long ( about 9p 4o, and 22 1/4 in), totally naturally. I had done it all by myself to day I was proud would be an understatement. His birth was amazing. He breastfed like a champion. This was all so much easier than when I had my daughter.

Unfortunately I was still suffering with depression. Our son was a very frequent feeder around 2 hourly day and night, and our daughter still woke 2-3 times a night. Though he wasn’t a difficult baby, feeding him 12+ times through the day and night as well as having a young toddler was taking it’s toll. My husband did odd hours at work, often working 12 + hours thought the night, then trying to sleep through the day. I wasn’t getting any support from family unless I literally begged them to take the kids. I was finding it hard to see anything in my life as being enjoyable. I gained more weight (another 5-6kg) and hated my body even more because of what another pregnancy with a lager baby did to me. My back and pelvis still ached even after giving birth and I had even more stretch marks, from my ribs down to my pubic bone. I have excess skin which will not go away even if I lose the weight.

When my son was 5 months old I had to return to part time. Finances were very tight. Life was a blur for me. I don’t remember a lot of my sons baby hood because I was struggling so much. I often wanted to just get away, driving in the car to work, I would fantasise about just keeping driving. Not stopping at work, or to pick up the kids. Just to drive into the sunset. There were a few moments during this time that I considered suicide. It was just all too much. So overwhelming.

My suicidal moments were fleeting, and usually when I had only had 3-4 hours sleep for weeks on end. But they were there. That was all in my head. I look back now and I am amazed how my husband and I did it. We did it together. There were times when we fought like cat and dog. When it was hard to support each other through it all because we were both suffering and struggling, but we did it. Through our hardest times and darkest hours we made it through. But we could see something had to change. This would be our life, struggling through every thing, only just making it week to week and not really enjoying anything, if we didn’t make a big change.

We decided we would go and live in the bush for a while with hubby’s job. We also talked about having another baby. With moving to the bush, we would be able to have another bub, and I would be a stay at home mum. So that is what we did. About 4 months after discussing it, I was pregnant and we were moving to a remote country town. Life got easier. For a while.

We moved 900km (a 9-ish hour drive) away from our loved ones and the familiarity of home. To a town 3 hour drive from any kind of civilisation, with around 3500 people. It was like a foreign country to us.

I started struggling again with the pregnancy. My back and pelvis started to play up fairly early on. By now, I was about 90kg (198pounds). So mixing being overweight, with being pregnant with another big baby boy and I was struggling to move very much at all. I had no friends and my children were bored and frustrated at home. During my last few months, I couldn’t do a lot with them, besides read books and watch movies. Thankfully I managed to get a place in childcare for one day a week.

I gave birth to another gorgeous little (big!) boy, again naturally and with my wonderful doula and hubby at my side. Unfortunately, I hemorrhaged again and required blood transfusions. My son ended up in special care nursery too, with intestinal issues. Breast feeding wasn’t off to a very good start this time. Thankfully, his tummy issues resolved themselves, and we managed to get breastfeeding fully again.

I had another frequent feeder, and again in hind sight, I think he also had silent reflux like his big sister. He was hard to settle at night in particular and it wasn’t unusual for me to be up with him for hours rocking and burping and trying desperately to settle him. My first son and daughter were also still waking at night, so yet again I was working on 4 or so hours of sleep a night. My husband was (and is!) wonderful and would often deal with the older children, though still had to work as well, so I tried my best to do it myself. Still suffering with PND, it was still tough, though I don’t think it ever got as hard as it did when son #1 was born.

I am happy to say now, that I am depression free. I still have bad days, but I can cope with that! My children are turning into wonderful, bright little people and my hasband and I are still going strong. I have started studying at uni again this year and hope to finally finish off my degree! I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have made amazing friends living out in the bush and have experienced a life I would never have had otherwise.

I still struggle with how I look though. I have never had a good body image. Sadly, I have always had an issue with myself. Sadly, because I was always fairly fit and healthy when I was younger. Now I have let myself go (far beyond the limits of what is ‘normal’) I am about 35-40 kilos (65-90-ish pounds) overweight. Before children I was around 63 kg (139 pounds), now I am about 97kg (214 pounds). Now I really do hate how I look. Now I realise how beautiful I really was. I have stretch marks from my ribs down to my pubic bone and around to my sides, I have over hanging skin. I also still have issues with my back, which I put down to being so over weight, unfit and inflexible. I am now trying to lose the weight. Slowly, but surely it will come off again. When it does, I plan on having plastic surgery to correct the skin issues. It will never go away on its own, I think it will just look even worse with the more weight I lose. I want to like how I look. One day I will.

Photos

1. After my first pregnancy (miscarriage at 17 weeks)
2. Around 6 months pregnant with each child
3. My babies
4. After son #1
5. Now