Belly

Ambivalent Body Image – Struggling (Alanna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Piercing, Postpartum, Pregnant, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions 15 Comments

Age: 24
1 pregnancy & 1 child
3 year old child

I want to start this off by saying that I have been following SOAM for a couple years now and never felt confident enough to submit my photos. I was in a very unhealthy relationship for 9 yrs with the father of my child. Just before I became pregnant, I was in the best shape of my life, I had never been more confident with my body image. I am a Martial Arts instructor. My pregnancy was extremely stressful, I had a partner who was abusing drugs and other non sense. I’m 5’2 and I weighed 130lbs before I got pregnant. At 9 months with my 8lb baby girl I weighed 185lbs. I wasn’t exercising during my pregnancy and could have been eating in a more healthy way. I wanted to have a natural delivery, but had to have an emergency C-section since my daughter was breech. After delivery, I was so unhappy with my body and i was still in an toxic relationship. I may have been suffering from PPD but I’m too proud for my own good most of the time and felt guilty telling the truth when i was assessed for PPD. I struggled with the pregnancy weight all through the first 2 years, I’m very active but I had to take control of my diet to get to where I am now.

I still feel like I am hiding. No one would believe it when I seem to be the most confident, bubbly and bad ass ( am I allowed to say bad ass on SOAM? Editor’s note: Hell yes you are!) lady that have ever met but I put on a good show. In actuality, my insecurities could eat me alive. My life has changed a lot in the past year as I got out of an abusive relationship and have been trying to find myself again after those 9 years. I just completed my first year of university. I’m a over achiever and a perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough for me. I am getting honors in school but its not good enough. I would consider myself a feminist and I am very aware of the false messages prescribed by the media to men and women concerning what the ideal body image is. I can think about it logically and I have great respect to the women who can take a stand against it but emotionally with myself, inside my own head I cant do it.

I guess I have my good days and my really bad ones. Some days I feel like it is getting better and I’m regaining my muscle definition. Its not my stretch marks that bother me but my loose skin and extra fat does. Everyday I run at least 3 miles and exercise, on top of my martial arts training and some days I feel like I’m seeing progress and other days I cant beat my naked self up in front of the mirror at least 4 times a day. I can take forever to get dressed, trying on pants after pants and hating how my tummy sticks out over top. I count calories obsessively and feel guilty if I don’t run far enough. I want exercise and diet to be a choice of health and not trying to achieve this aesthetic perfection.

Who would think a topless rights activist would be standing nude infront of her mirror eaten alive by her insecurities?

Does it Make Me a Failure? (Jamie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

Age:19
Pregnancies and births: 1
10 weeks postpartum

I became pregnant when I was 18. I was told by doctors when I was younger that it would be difficult for me to conceive, and of I were to conceive, it would be a high risk pregnancy. I was so happy to find out i was pregnant, so was my fiancee and my family. I felt so feminine, so beautiful, i felt like a real woman. My fiancee and i both enjoyed watching my body change. I did everything right. I quit smoking 100%, i didn’t have a single drop of alcohol, i think the worse thing i did was have a second bowl of ice cream at 2 in the morning :). But man did i get huge. I gained 65lbs! Mainly all belly though. I went into labor at 38 weeks and 1 day. I went to the hospital with suspicion that i was leaking amniotic fluid however i wasn’t having contractions. Turned out i was right. So the doctors decided to induce me. They started the pitocin, i wasn’t too happy about that to begin with, but i went along with it. They had me on the lowest setting and my uterus was becoming overstimulated, i had no rest time between contractions. So they would stop and start the pitocin and for 19 hrs i was stuck at 3cm dilated, 50% effaced, and -3 station. This baby just dis mot want to come! The doctor told me it was time for a c-section. I broke down in tears! I wanted so badly to give birth vaginally. I was so scared. I could hardly stay awake in the operating room. I was so drugged up, i was afraid i would miss my daughter’s first cries. Lucky my fiancee was able to keep awake and i didn’t miss it. It was like music to my ears. When i was finally able to hold her, I wanted to immediately start breast feeding so I could start the bonding process since I missed out on the vaginally birthing experience. But there was a problem, she wouldn’t latch. We tried everything, and she just wouldn’t nurse off of me. I felt like I failed. Like I was less of a woman because my body couldn’t do the two main things a woman’s body should be able to do, give birth and feed her own child. I slipped into a very deep depression. I couldn’t bond, I couldn’t connect to this beautiful baby I kept safe inside me for 9 months. The bond I had with her in the womb I felt was slowly disappearing. There were no more kicks, no more hiccups, no more awkward bulges on one side of my belly. Instead I had a painful scar, a body that I once thought was beautiful, now I thought was ugly, and a child that I couldn’t feel was really my child. Then once I realized how terrible I was feeling, I would feel even more guilt for thinking that way! I’m so thankful that I have my fiancée. He noticed I was depressed and he encouraged me to talk to him. Once I opened up and stopped holding it all in, I suddenly felt better and immediately was able to bond with our daughter. He reassures me that my body is still beautiful. I now take things day by day one step at a time. I feel like I have a strong bond with my daughter. Her smile makes my heart melt and instantly makes me forget about how she was born and I forget about my body. She changed my life and I would do anything for her. That’s why I got help for my depression. A happy mother is a happy baby, and a happy baby is a happy family. Hayleigh Lynn Schulz born feb 8, 2013 8lbs 4oz 19 1/2 inches long.

This is Me… And That is Okay (Stacie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 11 Comments

I am a 28 year old mother of three children, all born vaginally. I have never been skinny or in shape. I will never be a size 4. And you know what? That is okay, this is ME. It has taken me a long time to be okay with my body. Sure, I use self tanning lotions when I know that I will be wearing a dress. I even bought some hand weights to tone my arms a bit for the Summer. But I won’t look like my thinnest of friends and that is okay: this is ME. I know that not everyone has that outlook, and some days neither do I. But when I truly stop to think about why my body is this way, why I have that stomach flap that seems like it just won’t budge, I smile. Tiger stripes. Cliche, maybe, but they’re mine and that is okay: This is ME. My husband loves me the way I am, so do my children. It is time that I do the same. And I hope that one day you are able to have the same outlook that I do. Because that is you, and that is okay.

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7, 3, 1

Depressed Over Saggy Breasts (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 16 Comments

Age-22
Kids-2 one is 4 one is a year

After my first son they went back to a more perkier state after a year and a half, I was 21. Now with my second baby, I’m still breastfeeding and hoping that’s what’s weighing down and sagging my breasts. I feel so ugly and unattractive and am actually crying over them. I hate having sex with my husband, don’t want him touching them bc the feel so formless, shapeless and wrinkly and disgusting. I feel gross. My skin has thinned, my veins popping out and my skin wrinkly and saggy. I just want to know if I have hope, will they go back again? Will they ever firm, I’m only 22, lift weights, take my vitamins and take care of my skin. I just want to be sexy for myself again…..I have thought about getting a part time to pay for implants….or should I give it time bc I’m still breastfeeding. When I bend over the just hang like skinflaps and I feel so un femminine. I can’t believe I’m actually crying as I write this. My husband thinks I have mental issues and am fine, but if I don’t feel that way, I am not. I know I’m not mentally ill….I just want firmer skin on my breasts. I can’t even talk to him about this and I feel like the only mom with this problem…..I want to fix it so bad, will it ever get better, can someone give me hope? Will he thinning skin firm again? Will my breasts lift back a tad bit again after the glands loose the heavyness? My breasts have no density and I feel so envious of those moms who have firm full breasts………..ughhh I feel doomed and depressed.

First Pregnancy and Postpartum Body Changes (Jamie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

I was one of those women who “knew” the moment they were pregnant.. I was more than ecstatic. It sounds crazy, but I think I felt the moment the baby implanted. I used a pregnancy test that day, waited the 5 or so minutes, saw one line and threw it in a drawer. When I found it a day or two later, there was a second line. I thought it must have been an evap line but decided to test to be sure. Sure enough, positive.. a day before I was even supposed to start my cycle. But, pregnancy felt like torture to me, I never became acclimated to it, and my “cute” bump phase ended quickly. I waited and waited for that “glow” and never got it. I was thrilled to be expecting, but not very educated about all the changes my body would experience. I have always had self esteem and body issues, so growing in size ate away at my confidence. I had a lengthy period of time where you could not tell I was pregnant and not just pudgy/fat. I only ever gained the recommended 35 pounds, but on my short frame, that meant everything was thicker. My face, arms, butt, breasts and, of course, belly. I managed to avoid stretch marks on my belly with generous use of baby oil and by not scratching. I didn’t even think to do this on my butt and breasts, which now have stretch marks, but none too terrible. I delivered a healthy, beautiful, incredibly smart (mother’s pride shining through) baby girl at 37 weeks 5 days after a complication free pregnancy. Went in seeking a natural birth, got talked in to pitocin (to “speed up” my labor) which lead to an epi. Birth aside, I’ve made it back to pre-pregnancy weight about 3 or 4 months post partum. I am now 5 months pp and have maintained the weight. All weight lost simply by breastfeeding and only eating when I’m hungry. My confidence post partum is exponentially greater. After seeing my body go through all those changes during pregnancy, I have a much bigger respect for it. I believe I went through the opposite of post-partum depression – post partum elation. Despite being at pre-preg weight, there are noticeable/permanent changes: my hips are larger, my tummy is no longer flat, my breasts are great when full and saggy when empty – a whole cup size larger (from small b to small c, sometimes full c). Breasts are veiny now, not sure if that will go away after I stop breastfeeding. My areolas are MUCH larger and more brown than before, also uneven. I will be content to tone up my tummy and work some of this extra hip off. Even though I may not look as I did before, I’m quite happy with my body. Recently someone told me who had not seen me since a year prior to my pregnancy: “You don’t look like a little girl anymore! You look like a woman!” And that’s how I feel, like a Real Woman.

Your Age:23, 22 at time of pregnancy
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy (so 1 birth)
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 months post partum/5 month old

Life After Loss (Rea)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 4 Comments

~Age: 18
~Number of pregnancies: 2
~number of births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: my son is 27 months

My name is Rea. I was 15 when I got pregnant with my son. I was sitting at about a size 3-5 and 120 pounds. I wasn’t looking out for my weight when I was pregnant and I regret it so much now. I was about 180+ pounds at 38 weeks when Bentley was born on january 27, 2011. He was 8 pounds. I was so heartbroken to have a c-section. I lost all my weight and then some without doing anything. I felt blessed and lucky but at the same time still hated my stomach, that was covered in stretch marks and had a ‘mom pouch’. I did it all after my boyfriend of 2 years left us shortly after my 17th birthday in 2012. It was hard, and I didn’t have a lot of friends to talk too. But I picked myself up and moved on. My ex got vistation taken away in June 2012 for doing drugs. I knew I was a good mom and did everything for my son. All alone.

I was pretty lonely tho, and in July 2012 I got a new boyfriend. He was a little younger than me. He taught me to not be so serious, and helped me find the right balance between being a mom, and being a teenager. We had a good few months..then I became pregnant again. It was not planned and I didn’t notice how much I was eating until I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks. I had an iud and was very scared. I was 100 pounds when I got pregnant the second time. I miscarried that baby at 12 weeks, and I sunk into a deep depression for about 5 months. Me and my boyfriend broke up after finding out about the baby.

Me and my first son’s dad got back together 2 months ago. I think we both just needed some time and space away from each other to grow up. He went to treatment and was so hurt to see me with someone else. He was the one who was there for me after I lost my baby. I never shed the 10 pounds of baby weight or the 20 pounds of depression weight. I now weigh 136 and I hate my body more and more. I feel ungrateful because I’m a size 5 still but I cry every time something doesn’t fit. I’m trying really hard to lose weight and fit into my old clothes again.

Hating My Body Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 24 Comments

Previous post here.

So its been almost 2 years and I STILL hate my body. Especially my breasts. I know your body is supposed to change after kids, I get that your tummy gets loose and you breasts droop a little. What I did NOT expect was my breasts to have crater size stretch marks, especially since my body didn’t change one bit after my first child. As a woman its incredibly depressing to have your most womanly feature destroyed. I know it bothers my husband, hes always been a boob guy and mine were perfect even after our first child so I’m sure he didnt expect them to look like they do now. They are so saggy and one nipple points down, the other straight ahead. Does anyone else have a boob issue since having kids? I cant be the only one…

What I want is honesty. No really. I want everyone to tell me if I should consider surgery to try and fix these things or maybe they don’t look as bad as I think they do (fat chance of that, no pun intended).

Update – Mother of 3 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update, Vulva 23 Comments

Previous post here.

Thank u all for your beautiful words of support been working my huge ass off and lost sum weight but the more i lose the small my boobs get and im concerned that with 3 kids coming out of me my vagina doesnt look as it should i cant help but think about it in the bedroom :( let me know what u think love u all

A more intimate picture can be found here.

Unapologetic (Darah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Poetry, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

I love me with the sags.
I love me with the stretch marks.
I love me with dark circles.
I love me with frizzy hair.
I love me with pale skin.
I love me with stretch marks.
I love me with love handles.
I love me with back rolls.
I love me when I’m menstruating.
I love me when I’m lactating.
I love me with body hair.
I love me when my hands are dirty.
I love me with belly fat.
I love that my body can give life.
I love that I can sustain life.
I love me when I eat.
I love me when I’m sick.
I love me for me.

Who I am goes deeper than my skin.

I’m confident.
I’m artistic.
I’m intelligent.
I’m creative.
I’m imaginative.
I’m logical.
I’m kind.
I’m articulate.
I’m ambitious.
I’m empowering.
I’m soulful.
I’m funny.
I’m daring.
I’m charming.
I’m thoughtful.
I’m generous.

And I’m unapologetic for who I am..

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4 pregnancies, 3 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: ten – placed for adoption, three and 5 months.

My body before, during, and after. (Lindsie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

I found out I was pregnant when I was 18 and wore a size 12-14 in jeans. My whole pregnancy was easy no morning sickness, no stretch marks. Nothing. Until the last month then my stretch marks came.I had my little boy all 8lbs 2oz and 22 1/2 in of him naturally. The day after I had him I thought to myself I look great! This getting back to pre pregnancy size will be easy! As the months went on I realized its not that easy. I gained almost 80lbs while I was pregnant. So far I’ve lost about 40lbs of it. I look at myself in the mirror and no I don’t look perfect, no I don’t particularly like my stretchmarks and my baby belly. But then I look at my beautiful little boy and its all worth it. Every mark, every pound, every change in my body, everything. My son is now 6 months old, I wear a size 16 jeans, and no I don’t look perfect but I am an awesome mom and thats all that matters :) The first picture is at 34 weeks pregnant, the second is my little boy and the last few are my body 6 months after giving birth.