Belly

My name is Courtney Bray, I am 20 years old and live in Washington State with my husband and two beautiful girls.
I am a mother of 2.

In my first pregnancy I gained 55 lbs. Stretch marks spread almost all the way up to my breasts. My skin hung and my belly button did as well.

I cried. I cried over and over. I contemplated what I thought was “reconstructive” surgery. I thought my husband wasn’t attracted to me. Every time we passed a skinny attractive woman on the street my heart burned in envy. I dreaded the arrival of summer.

Then I finally lost the weight. I changed my diet entirely and became very passionate about organic food and the fight against Monsanto, the FDA, and USDA. However, despite new passions and a slim body, I hated my stomach. I still cried. Selfishly. Ignoring the immense reward that became of it; my sweet baby.

My second pregnancy came along. This time I felt determined to not gain that crazy amount of weight again. This time, I only gained 35 lbs. I worked out, didn’t limit myself physically, and ate clean. I felt more amazing than I had ever felt in my life. This time I loved being pregnant. I glowed. I didn’t want it to stop.

When I delivered my stomach was flat again after 1 month with the help of wrapping my postpartum tummy. I still have mild diastasis recti though.

This time I cried for a different reason. Staring in the mirror at my stretch marks, I cried. I cried because I loved them. I brushed my fingers over them, pulled at my loose skin a little and smiled. Tears running down my face. I kept on crying, because I finally realized that I love this body so much more than the body I had 3 years ago. This body was the look of true beauty, of work and reward, of suffering and love.

My body is perfectly “ruined”.

Even if being a mother hasn’t come naturally to me, I’m thankful that my body was able to grow and bless me with children. They are my reason for living. They are my everything.

Let me start by saying that motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be. When I was growing up, I thought being a good mother was an instinct; I was convinced I’d know the ins and outs of it all, never questioning my own actions and how they affected my children. I thought I would give birth and once my baby arrived, life would continue on as it did before. Nobody warned me that the life you knew before pregnancy and birth ends once your baby is in your arms. Your previous life is no more. YOU are reborn. When I got pregnant with my son, I fussed over everything I ate and drank. I obsessively avoided things in my diet that I thought would harm him. When I delivered him, he was perfect. As he grew and developed, we were told we needed to get him evaluated for his “delays”. He was a late-bloomer for his speech and social skills (and still is, but is coming along). He is now 4, going to preschool, and his speech improves every single day. I’m amazed at the improvements he has made and he is and always will be my favorite little man. He is happy, funny and can always bring a smile to my face. When my son was 2.5, I unexpectedly got pregnant with my daughter. My pregnancy with her was much different. Things in my personal life were going very, very wrong and I was very stressed out and depressed. I wasn’t in a good place, to say the least. My diet sucked. My attitude sucked. My outlook sucked. I really feel like I did my daughter an injustice in this way and I still feel guilt over it. The only thing that kept me going were my son and daughter. As my daughter grew inside of me, her kicks were a constant reminder to me to be strong and forge ahead. When my daughter was born, things got better. And I can honestly say that my daughter saved me. She saved me from my depression. She saved me so I could be a better mother to my son. She saved me from hating myself. I see hope and happiness when I look at her. She’s my reminder of what I could’ve lost and what I gained. When I see my kids together, I see all the things I have to look forward to. Motherhood has been the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I constantly second-guess myself. I make myself feel guilty for the things I wish I could do better for my kids. I feel bad when I need a break from them. Mostly, I feel extremely blessed that God has given me such beautiful, amazing children. Motherhood hasn’t come naturally to me. It is a daily struggle of questioning my actions and decisions as a parent. It’s hard. It’s a constant challenge. It’s something I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’m also different now. Being a parent changes you in so many ways. Your priorities are different; you don’t come first anymore, your children do. Your attitude is different. Your opinions change. Things I said I would NEVER do in my early 20’s I’ve now done countless times. I may not be the same, but I never want to be the person I was before kids. I’m better because I’m a mother. I’m forever thankful for them.

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 and 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 and 16 months