Before Pregnancy

Ugly Obsession With Beauty (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Before Pregnancy, Belly, Submissions 24 Comments

I am a 26-year old African-American female who is half in love with her shape and half disgusted by it. Let me explain first why I am posting in a site for women with children and I have never been pregnant.

My body issues began when I turned 15. It was then that I developed perky breasts and curvy bottom half. Guys gave me attention, girls told me I was beautiful, it was cool. At that time, I was a staunch Christian, and for me, that meant that somewhere deep inside I felt my newly sexy body was innately shameful. So here I am with this new womanly body, that I am kind of in love with, but I’m also absolutely scared of the kind of attention that brings. Then I started modeling. I was in love with the attention, and the way photographs and photoshop and ad campaigns made me look better than I really did. I think I began to see myself as the woman in the commercials and airbrushed photos, instead of the girl with cellulite and (according to model’s standards) slightly saggy breasts.

Ever since I can remember, I’ve had a fascination with pregnancy. I am TERRIFIED and in awe of what birthing a child can do to a woman’s body. My mother can be very negative at times, and I can always remember her saying how pretty she was before she had kids. She warns that I will definitely gain weight and get stretch marks. She recently had a tummy tuck and breast lift. I have no idea why I have this obsession, but anyone who knows me will know this. This is why I know of this site. I’ve been categorically researching pregnancy since I was about 17. I’m now 26. My loving and supportive boyfriend can tell from the sound of my voice if I’ve been googling “fit pregnancy” or “how to avoid stretchmarks during pregnancy” or Facebooking friends who have had children and are sporting bikinis like three months later.

Why this irrational fear? I could get them, as it’s mainly a genetic trait (or so my scientific research says) but if I exercise and eat properly during my future pregnancy there is a chance I wouldn’t get them at all. I know in my mind that pregnancy doesn’t always mean your body will never be the same — but I have such high standards for myself that I don’t know what I will do if come out on the other side changed in a way that my mind sees as “ugly.”

My younger half-sister had a son a few years ago and her stomach was absolutely changed. She gained 70 pounds during her pregnancy (admittedly due to overeating and an unhealthy diet) and got bright red, violent (in my mind) stretch marks over her entire stomach. I will never forget the first time I saw them. I didn’t want to make a reaction and hurt my sister’s feelings, but the bright red marks gave me a sinking feeling to my stomach. “I would literally go insane if my stomach looked liked that”, I thought. Is this my fate? This is an odd coincidence because along with my fear/obsession with pregnancy comes dreadful fear of getting stretch marks.

A lot of this comes from my body type, which I know I will have forever, even if I tone up or slim down a little. I am a curvy, curvy chick. Period. Everybody tells me how lucky I am to have a big butt and hips as a Black woman, and that I should be proud to have the ideal Black woman’s frame — but I don’t feel that way. I don’t always like walking down the street and hearing men say, “Now that’s a big ass,” or being at the pool where a group of tourists gather around and laugh and point as if I cannot see them, or feeling like a sideshow attraction every time I wear tight pants — and almost ALL pants are tight pants on me. I like the attention sometimes, as you will see in one attached photograph (with the black dress.) It can be a beautiful thing to be curvy, but I have cellulite and unstoppable jiggling when I walk. I do work out and eat healthier than I have in probably my entire life ( currently weigh 125, my heaviest was 135), but I secretly envy white, slim supermodels. I admire the long, lean legs of Heidi Klum or the cute, discreet butt of a Victoria Secret model, or my roommate, or anyone else but me.

Sometimes when I’m in my room alone I put on clothes and stuff towels inside my shirt to look pregnant. It makes me feel good. I try different amounts of clothing to emulate the different months. I tell myself, “You better look like this when you are pregnant.” Does being curvy mean I will definitely gain a lot of weight during a pregnancy? If I look at the women in my family it does. Where does one draw the line between reality, fantasy, genetic determination, free will and vanity?

I want a child. I work with children everyday. I’m sorta stable. All that good stuff. But I’m scared of what I will do to myself emotionally if I don’t stay under X amount of weight or X inches or bounce back in X weeks.

These are completely candid thoughts. I have never shared much of this information with anyone, but I read this site every week and for some reason this seemed like the perfect place for my distorted, irrational, dark thoughts. If I offended anyone, I apologize. Just my honest thoughts.

*The picture in the light blue bikini is from 2004.
*The picture in the white bikini is from 2005.
*The picture in the black dress is from 2010.
*The pictures on the beach in the blue bikini are from 2011.

Deeper Than My Skin (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 26 Comments

As I sit here now, needing to reach out to those who may understand, those who may be able to share guidance, I am 27 years old and 6 months pregnant with my third baby.

To put briefly what has led me to this point in the simplest way is this: I met my husband 3 years and 7 months ago, we have been married for 3 years and one month, we have a 2.7 year old son, we lost a baby boy at 19 weeks in january and just before our sons first birthday I discovered that my husband had been sneaking porn and when confronted he looked into my eyes and lied… again and again over the next year. This completely destroyed my trust in him and also my self worth. It has been a battle to open his eye’s to how disrespected I feel. Had he been open and honest about it things would have been very different. As it is now I am in a state of anxiety most days, our relationship is simply woeful.

All I want is to feel respected and truly loved… that’s not more than I deserve is it?

Today he told me that he is ‘not into me’ anymore, that he loves me and wont leave me but just ‘isnt into me’. It felt like a knife through my heart. I use to be everything to him, and now I just feel like a train wreck, a mess of a person with emotions that are all over the place and uncontrollable. On the outside you would not think that I had such low self-esteem, such desperate thoughts and that some days I wish I simply didn’t exist… people on the street come to tell me how beautiful I am, but this makes no difference to the deep hurt that is basically eating away my sense of self. I feel like a shell of a person with nothing to offer. I have no friends, no one to turn to when desperation finds me crying on the floor. My husband does’nt comfort me, he doesn’t want to anymore…

I have come to realise that it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside, if your partner isn’t attracted to the inner you your screwed. I cant love myself, I don’t feel beautiful and I feel so guilty for the effects this all has on our son and my little one who I know feels everything that I feel.

This pregnancy means so much to me, I was desperate after loosing our little boy to feel ‘full’ again. I do feel so blessed to be pregnant and am enjoying crocheting nappy covers and planning another homebirth etc But in this moment I’m hurting and am struggling. I imagined that being pregnant again would have my husband and I reconnect, that he would view me in a new light and all would be well… wishful thinking. I hope so much that I have a more positive view of myself by the time labour arrives, feeling this pathetic will have such a terrible effect on giving birth and bonding.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what you look like or how ‘lucky’ or ‘unlucky’ you may think yourself to be after having a child, all that truly matters is the way you feel about yourself and having your partner appreciate, respect and love you for you. If the way I felt on the inside showed on the outside I would not be getting compliments. I feel like a hideous person. I feel that something is so wrong with me that I cant even let myself befriend anyone.

I feel that my outside appearance is a lie. I will attach a couple of photo’s of me taken a couple of weeks ago and a before pic… If I was to be honest about the way I look then I would say I have very little to complain about, as with any woman there are things I would change, such as the cellulite on my thighs, my breasts that are completely covered in stretch marks (I’m not exaggerating!) and my hereditary double chin from my great granny… but to feel adored, respected and wanted for the person I am inside would mean so very much more.

An Everyday Battle (Grace)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

Age: 21
Postpartum: 21 months
Number of pregnancies: 1

Everyday my mind changes about my body. One day I will be fine and the next day I’m angry. I have a beautiful baby girl whose 21 months old. Shes happy, healthy, and she knows her momma loves her. I gave birth Jan 4th 2010, via c-section at 6:47pm. She was 9lbs 3.5oz. I gained 36 pounds and manged to lose it all but 5 pounds within 2 months of having her. But, between then and now, Ive gained an extra 15. I look back at pictures and it just makes me sad. How can my fiance love me and I look like this? And he has just gotten better looking… I am lucky, because I believe he loves my body more today than when he met me. But, I don’t. I work out 5 days a week. I run about 2 miles and have managed to lose about 9 pounds but I see no difference. I am on a mission to love myself again, to be healthier and happier. My fiance deserves it, and so does my daughter. The pictures included, are me about 3 months before getting pregnant, and what my stomach looks like now.

Defeat and Angels (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 34 Comments

Age: 22
Pregnancies/Births: 1/1
Age of child/how far pp: 3 months

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant, and though it was not planned we could not have been happier. I had always wanted a baby, and now I was going to be a mother! The pregnancy was very easy and I went on to deliver a healthy baby girl at 37 weeks. Though I never had any medical or health problems during my pregnancy I did have self esteem problems. I always had what I considered the perfect body before pregnancy. I was 5’6″ and 115lbs. I was lean and toned, with curvy hips and perfectly round perky breasts. I had 36 inch hips and a 20 inch waist. I loved being able to throw a bikini on and turn heads with no effort. I never had to work for my body, it just was, and I loved it.

Little by little during my pregnancy the weight added up. 5 lbs this month. 7 the next. Until at 37 weeks I topped out at a weight gain of 53 lbs. Every pound was like a punch in the stomach. I hated it. I was watching my figure vanish under the perfect little person that I loved so dearly. I went 36 weeks without a single stretch mark. That was what kept me hopeful the entire time. I knew that if I could avoid stetch marks, then there was a chance I would someday feel pretty again. Then suddenly, almost overnight, they were there. All over my lower stomach. My sides, my thighs and on the back of my knees. I cried harder than I have ever cried before when I saw those horrible streaks across my skin. I delivered one week later.

I am currently 3 months postpartum and having a very hard time accepting my new body. Everything is different. My bone structure has changed, my hips and rib cage are inches wider, my stomach is flabby and not smooth, my skin is textured and uneven. My breasts, which I now hate, went from a B cup to a DD and now sag. I have cried every time I have taken a shower since the day she was born. I cannot look in the mirror when I am naked. Even though my husband will tell me every day that I am beautiful and perfect, I will not let him touch my stomach because I don’t want him to feel my skin. He used to joke that I was his trophy wife, and he wanted to take me every where he could and show me off. I feel like I ruined those dreams for him. I am no longer the trophy wife he married, but I am the woman with the stretch marks who should never be seen in a bathing suit ever again.

I weigh 125 lbs now, only 10 lbs more than before I got pregnant. I have breast fed my baby since the day she was born, and I believe that helped some, but I can not seem to lose the other 10lbs, and I fear that even if I do I will still never fit my old cloths, I will never have smooth soft skin ever again, and I will never be as little as I was. I fear that even though I love my baby and my husband more than life itself, that I will never be able to love my body. I will never have self confidence. I will never feel beautiful or pretty, and sexy is a word that will never be uttered in my direction. Maybe I sound vain and petty? Maybe I do. But these feelings that I live with every day, they do not feel so petty to me. When society has been screaming at you since you were 5 that you must look this way to be beautiful, and the mirror is screaming at you that you will never even be close, it does not feel petty. It feels like defeat.

Even though I feel this way about my body, I am determined to hide it from my daughter. I want to teach her that she does not have to look like the girls in magazines and on the t.v. That she is perfect just as she is. I know this is going to be hard to do when I can not even tell myself that, but I am determined. Afterall, the only thing that keeps me going is the enormous amount of love that I have for my daughter and my husband. I do not think I would be here today without them. They are my world. They are my angels. I live to see the smiles on their faces, and even though I look at myself and feel like I am all used up, I would not change anything, because doing so would mean that I would not have my little family. My little world.

The first two pictures are from before pregnancy, and then three are of the stretch marks and the extra weight at 3 months pp, and the last one is me at 36 weeks.

Sad But Not Giving Up Hope (Anon)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

I’m writing to you all the from Jamaica. I’m 23 years old and 3 weeks 1 day postpartum. Maybe its too early for me to submit my story since I’ve not yet healed properly, but I just wna share my story.

Also, I must say that I read the stories of other strong beautiful mothers daily. Its very encouraging and helps me to embrace my body. So maybe my story will encourage you. My mother also encourages me a lot. She has 3 of us, when she was my age (23) she was done with kids. She is still suffering with her image and insomnia to this day. But no one knows unless she tells them. When she sees her children, all grown up, she says she’s nevr been happier.

I got pregnant December last year for my boyfriend of 2 yrs, I nevr wanted kids, I love my freedom, and loved my body even more. It made me, me. A confident individual. A bit too confident maybe. Before getting pregnant I was 137 pounds, 182 pounds at 39 weeks. I’m 5’5″. During my pregnancy I worried about stretch marks, the most, I rubbed my belly with olive oil and cocoa butter almost evry day. Initially, I had a small belly, at 6 months my fundal height was 13 inches. In just a few weeks my belly skyrocketed. At first they came on my sides. They were real small, and right before my eyes, they exploded. I thought I cud wrk with tht. But not on my belly please stay away. I also got them on my legs and calves. But not my belly.

I was happy that my chances of escaping stretch marks on my belly. At 38 weeks pregnant my doc said he’d induce me at 39 weeks. My baby’s head was in the birth canal, and could come at anytime, I lived abt 45 mins from the hospital, he didn’t want any accidents, so thts the reason I was induced.

I got home from my 38 week check up, laying in bed, my mom expressed shock, she saw lines on my belly, one more week to go, and they had to show up there ugly selves. I cried that night. I was crushed. Depressed. My mother comforted me, told me wen I have my baby I’ll appreciate it. I started having nightmares, because I was so deep in thought tht my bf may not want me any more. He nver liked big girls. I told him how I felt, told him my nightmares. He told me id be fine and should not worry. When he saw the marks, he laughed and asked me if that was really why I was behaving like that. It made me smile. He even bought me oils and creams tht would help get them off. I’ve not seen any improvements yet, but its just been 3 weeks. 6 days after giving birth I weighed 165 pounds.
My boyfreind tells me to be patient, and tht I’ll be fine. Even though my body won’t go back to normal, I’m now a mother, so I’ll hv a body thts considered normal for my new role in life.

I had a problem free pregnancy, smooth delivery. Painful, but worth evry second, I thank God.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy weighing 8 pounds 4 ounces on the 9th of september, 10 days before my 23rd bday, the 19-9. I love him so much, he has made me appreciate life so much more, he makes me smile evryday. I’m happy I have him. And evry one says he looks just like me.
I promise to keep u posted.

The first 3 pics: pre preggo
4th: day after delivery
5th: 10 days after delivery
6th: 11 days after delivery
7th: side stretch marks
8th: full body
9 & 10th: 2 weeks 3 days after delivery, belly up close
11th: my sweetie pie
12 &13: 38 & 39 weeks

Updated here.

The Best Thing About My Pregnancy is That it’s Over (I.L.)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 30
Pregnancies and births: 1/1, my toddler is now 22 months old. I got pregnant a few weeks before my 28th birthday.

Pregnancy and birth have not changed my body that much on the outside. I have a hypertrophic-but-fading lower segment cesarean scar on my belly right above the pubic bone, a few stretch marks I got the day I
went into labour and don’t tend to notice anymore because they have faded, slightly more deflated small-ish breasts (mine were never particularly perky to begin with) and the skin on my belly is the tiniest bit more stretched than it used to be. Bar the cesarean scar that changes colours from silvery white to angry red when I’m on my period or ovulating (!) none of the changes are that noticeable. I gained 25 kg (55 lbs) or thereabouts during pregnancy and have lost most of that slowly during the last 22 months without dieting for
weight loss.

I lift weights and stay physically active for strength, for fun, for the sheer joy of it, and because I want to feel at one with my flesh instead of viewing myself through a distorted lens of body obsession; I don’t avoid pointless self criticism always, but I do try hard to do so. Mostly I’m fine. I enjoy cooking, eating, planning meals, dining out, eating mindfully and with great pleasure. This, to me, means I try to get in enough protein to sustain muscle growth, generally although not always opt for cooking my own food to know what’s in it,
and avoiding gluten whenever possible (it makes my reflux worse) — but I don’t generally worry much about what I put in my mouth, except in terms of whether the taste would benefit from adding more butter.
:-)

Life is enjoyable and I feel good being myself. The way I try to (and often do) view myself and my body, the way I talk about myself and other women, the way I enjoy my physicality, these are all gifts I want to give to my daughter, but I’m not doing them only because I want to be a good role model to her. I am doing them because they’re right and sane and wholesome. I can appreciate myself without needing to think it’s for the sake of my daughter; it is, but more importantly it’s for me.

My pregnancy, a completely different story. It was a crapshot — we weren’t supposed to be able to conceive the natural way but somehow did — and crappy besides: I had a psychotic episode in the first
trimester, then heartburn, reflux, sciatica, insomnia, and as the cherry on top of this cake a UTI/kidney infection and hydronephrosis (distended kidneys) of pregnancy for which I was hospitalised for four days by the end of the second trimester. I spent the last three months of my pregnancy on my left side or on all fours, drinking the vile swill prescribed by my urologist: unsweetened cranberry juice and water, at least three to four litres of this per day. I was told I should pee whenever I felt the slightest urge to for fear of urinary backflow, which meant I was running to the loo four times every hour, also in the nights. It took several months for my bladder sensation to return fully after delivery. I had no issues with incontinence before or after pregnancy, but I did suffer from not knowing whether my bladder was full or not, as the pee-as-often-as-possible-just-in-case regime removed my capacity to recognise when I actually need to go.

Then I had a baby, which meant three days of labour. I didn’t mind the pain, as I found it easy enough to relax between contractions once I hit real labour and as I was very dedicated to seeing things through
the natural way if at all possible. Turns out this wasn’t to be the case, and I had cesarean surgery… with insufficient anesthesia, as I could feel a little window of pain on the left side when they cut. Not my best moment. Afterwards, the dragon nurse at the maternity ward told me — screamed at me, really — that paracetamol (acetaminophen for North Americans) is perfectly sufficient as a pain killer for post-cesarean pain and that other women have also had cesareans, why do I complain and cry so? I was not happy with my cesarean but could eventually came to terms with it. Being denied appropriate pain relief afterwards however meant I had severe problems with PTSD for more than a year postpartum. I also felt let down by my partner who couldn’t grasp the severity of the situation until way after the fact, and still feel deep sadness and anger over what happened. At least I’m no longer reliving my horrible birth experience and over and over, unable to sleep or go out for fear of breaking down in public.

It also took me quite a long time to bond with my baby, but I did expect this and wasn’t actually too alarmed when I didn’t feel a huge surge of love for my newborn. Frankly I wasn’t particularly interested in her when they showed her to me in the operating theatre — in my defense, I had other more pressing problems at hand, like feeling really awfully sorry for myself and wanting to die — and my strongest emotions in the first weeks after her birth were mild interest and confusion. Love, that took a while to arrive. I started out breastfeeding as I had planned to do, as all the women in my family had done, and we had a few miserable months of it because of thrush on my nipples, which I likely got from the antibiotics given to me during
the cesarean birth of my daughter. Healthcare professionals were a joke when it came to nursing support and/or medical help with this, but I persevered and did my research online, sent my partner out for a
bottle of gentian violet and put myself and my baby on a kill-the-yeasties regime. It worked, and we’re still going strong with breastfeeding 22 months after her birth. I expected to be done by now — I nursed for 15 months myself and thought we’d go to a similar length — and I am starting to feel like I’m ready to wean in the not-too-far future, but I know my daughter is not and so I’m merely working on limiting the frequency of her nursing sessions to a few times per day to avoid maternal burn out. She’ll wean when she’s ready to; I can wait.

I did not feel a strong need to procreate before I had my daughter. We were undecided, thinking “maybe in a few years” when we found out my partner has Homer Simpson sperm and is unlikely to have a child the
natural way. We dropped contraceptives immediately after hearing about this, reasoning that a) life will be so much easier when we don’t have to bother with solutions that aren’t working that well for us (cervical cap + spermicides = raging yeast infections for the both of us, condoms were not particularly comfortable for him, and hormonal methods are too likely to make me batshit crazy, or crazier than I usually am in any case) and b) if we end up somehow making a child, wouldn’t that be the luckiest, rarest, weirdest, most wonderful thing
ever? I got pregnant before a year had passed. Now, after having that one child, I find I have a bad case of the baby rabies… only, the idea of pregnancy (and finding a qualified nurse-midwife who does homebirths in my area AND has a personality that doesn’t clash with mine) makes me reach for a paper bag to breathe into.

I don’t often think of life in terms of lucky vs unlucky, but I do when it comes to pregnancy and birth. There, I was dealt a bad hand. I’m not sure I have it in myself to go through it again, particularly when I know my kidney issues are very likely to also be an issue in a future pregnancy. I’m aware of and educated on great many issues surrounding birth, I am not easily cowed by anyone, I have the wisdom from experience, the support of my fantastic partner and a lot of different options with pre/postnatal and childbirth care thanks to
where I live … and I’m really scared, because while all these factors would and will contribute towards not having unnecessary medical interventions done before, during or after childbirth, they will do absolutely nothing if and when there IS a real medical need for such. I would know. And I’m not sure I’m mentally strong enough to deal with the anxiety and uncertainty, nevermind the medical issues present, on the next round.

Really, the best thing about my pregnancy is that it’s over.

The photos included: myself 22 months postpartum twice, my toddler nursing her teddy bear in the middle of Ikea, myself looking for braaaaains! at 37 weeks pregnant, myself at the age of 25 before pregnancy.

Body Image Issues, Husband Not Helping (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 40 Comments

Age: 23
Number of births: 1
Age of Child: 2 months
Currently 2 months post par tum

My story goes back all the way to elementary school when I started struggling with body image issues. I had precocious puberty which is basically going through puberty way too early. I started my period at age 8 and had severe acne by age 10. Obviously I was very different than all the other girls my age, and not in a good way. Not only was I going through all this, but I was also at a very awkward age. I was a little chubby compared to all the “pretty girls”. Boys constantly teased me about my severe acne saying things like “pizza face” or they would tell me to go wash my face. I came home crying from school just about every day in 4th and 5th grade. My acne was so severe, I was the only 10 year old in the country at the time taking the strongest acne medication made. Fast forward to middle school. My face finally cleared up and I had the biggest breasts in the entire school. Boys were actually paying attention to me (because of my boobs lol), but I still compared myself to all the “popular girls”. First of all, I am NOT by any means “skinny”. I have never been skinny, I’ve always been “thick”. All the girls the boys were attracted to I had tiny petite frames and tiny petite weights to go along with them. I don’t know why, but I continued comparing myself. When I got to high school, I still wasn’t happy with my weight. (Looking back, I looked dang good but I always thought I was fat) I started skipping meals a lot toward my senior year and one summer all I really consumed was sugar free red bull. Living in Florida by the beach, makes it easy to be motivated to stay skinny. Like I said, I’ve never been super skinny, but when I graduated high school I weighed 145. It may seem a lot to some, but 145 looks really good on me.

My first year of college I met my husband. When we started dating, I weighed 150. My weight jumped from 150-165 over the next two years. Hubby decided to join the Air Force and when he was away at basic, I made it a priority to get back down to 145-150. I did this by working 12 hour day serving shifts, eating only one low calorie meal a day, and surviving solely on diet sodas for energy. I succeeded and looked really good when he graduated. Six months after he graduated basic, I moved up to Montana in February and we were married. From February 2010-November 2010 my weight jumped all the way up to 175. Everyone told me when I got married I would gain weight, but I didn’t think it would be that much. I got pregnant that November and of course my weight continued to sky rocket. Near Christmas, I discovered some racy videos on youtube that my husband watched. It wasn’t anything hardcore, but still upset me. He knew before we were married that I do not put up with porn or strip clubs. We are Christians and in my opinion, lusting after other women is considered cheating. He had never done that before when I was skinnier, and I felt so rejected. Because of the military, we didn’t have a wedding, so we had one on our 1 year anniversary to celebrate with our family since they weren’t there at the courthouse the year before. I knew my husband was having a bachelor party, but he kept assuring me he didn’t want to go to a strip club. Well stupid me believed him, and I found out the next day they did. It completely broke my heart. I already was feeling completely self conscious about my changing body and it made me feel uglier and uglier. I was half way through my pregnancy when that happened. Then two months later, I flew home for a baby shower. Because I was feeling very suspicious, I installed a program on our computer that tracks every move you make on it. I wanted to know if my husband was looking at inappropriate stuff on our computer. Sure enough, as soon as he dropped me off at the airport, guess what he was doing? Not only was he doing that, he was making moves to ensure I wouldn’t find out (deleting stuff, being in “private mode” on the computer, etc) This made me lose all trust in him and really took a tole on our marriage. All I could think about was how things might be different if I weren’t pregnant. If I wasn’t fat, he would want me instead of the girls on the computer. He said this was the only time he had done that since we were dating. (I just recently found out that was lie and he was looking at that stuff in December) It kind of made me resent my bulging stretch marked belly. My weight kept going up, and all I could feel was rejection from my husband. The day before I went into labor I weighed a whopping 223 pounds.

I am currently 8 weeks post par tum and weigh 190. I absolutely HATE my body. I still do not feel sexy, and don’t think I ever will again. I do love my son with all my heart though. I never thought I could love someone as much as him, and I don’t resent him at all for my body looking like it does. I am having a really hard time though because my husband comes from all brothers. The only other female in the family besides his mom is our sister in law. She is a size 0 and probably doesn’t weigh 90 pounds soaking wet. Her son is two years older than ours and you could never tell she’s ever had a baby. She has no stretch marks and returned to her pre-pregnancy size after a month post par tum. His family always talks about how small she is and how great she looks in front of me, and in a way I have built up resentment toward her because of it. I’m taking it one day at a time though and trying to come to terms with how I look now. My husband says I look sexy, but I don’t believe him. I just recently found a search of a porn star on his iPod. I know he cant possibly be turned on by me. We are trying to work and build back trust in our relationship though.If any of you knew me personally, I would NEVER in a million years show you how my body looks. But, because of all the wonderful women on this site, I am willing to open up and show pictures. I think this site is so inspiring. It makes me realize I’m not the only one who looks like this. You women are so incredibly awesome and I wish I could have one ounce of the confidence yall have.

How can I love my new body? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, First Pregnancy, Legs, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 11 Comments

~Age:17
~Number of pregnancies and births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 monnths PP

I got pregnant at 16 with a beautiful baby boy. hes my world.. before getting pregnant I weighed 115 pounds and I am 5″6. wasnt fat looking just normal size. After i had my son i was breastfeeding for about 2 months. I liked it but i was so busy taking care of him and everything and he was very colicy i had to stop at 2 months. I never ate hardly anything due to always cleaning and stuff when he slept which was a bad idea.. now i currently weigh 98 pounds. i had some stretch marks before pregnancy on my upper legs and outter lower legs around my knees.. due to growth spurt and gaining alittle weight when my dad died. now i have them on my butt,boobs,stomach,behind my knees,calfs,and lots on my inner legs.. if i didnt have these stretch marks i would be so happy… i try bio oil,cocoa butter, bio lotions, baby oil, vitamin e oil , etc… i will continue using bio oil to say i atleast tried hard… but i really wish they would go away!! i look at them all the time… they make me really upset and cry sometimes. i also use a dermaroller on them… it hurts but its worth it.. i find it made them look alittle better. my boyfriend and i always argue he says they “arent that bad” but they are!! they are ALL over my inner legs.. and i really want to wear shorts.. *sigh*

Updated here.

My body has changed, but I feel better with myself. (Silvia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

Age: 27
Nr. of pregnancies and births: 1-1
Age of my baby girl: 3 months

When I learned I was pregnant, I tried a mix of emotions, fear, happiness, surprise … I thought it was a miracle, because I thought I could not get pregnant due to some problems. I was frightened by the thought of giving birth, the change of my body. I always used to be slim, with breasts not too big but very nice. Let’s be sincere, a woman is always asking what will happen to its appearance after pregnancy. Day after day I began to see the changes, the larger belly, the breast as well, the pink nipples become almost blacks and larger … but it is true, the thought of having a life inside you is stronger than everything. I had a caesarean because of eye problems. Julia was born May 23, 2011, and was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen until then. In the end I did not care how my body would be, but I prayed to hear the words “your baby is healthy.” I was lucky, I have to admit .. After less than a month already I was almost like before, and after 3 months as before. I chose to breastfeed, at the beginning it was hard, but now it’s been three months julia just takes my milk. My breast has changed, it’ s different than before, but I do not care, I now have a new priority … and everything else, including me, has gone into the background …

4 Years Later and Still Insecure (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

I have always been thin. I know this now. I can look back at pictures of of me and see it but at the time (and even now sometimes) I forget and all the anxiety comes back. I have always had self image issues to the point of crazy water diets and just plain not eating..Well when the news that I was preggo in my eggo came to front in Feb of 2007 that would all (mostly) change. I fought gaining weight the first 5 months of my pregnancy to the point where my doctor was using threats to get me to eat more than my self allotted calories. I don’t remember at what point exactly it was but I got over my fear of weight gain and throughout the pregnancy I gained 44lbs..9 months later a gorgeous baby girl was born and I couldn’t be happier (minus the whole deployed husband that could of been better). But as most of us know after the adrenaline of having a baby and sleepless nights are slowly less and less your body comes back into the picture with a screaming vengeance of “Look what you did to me”. I thought ok no big deal I will just do what I have always done and basically starve myself and work out until im back to “perfection”..HA little did I know that not only does having a baby change the appearance of your body but it changes EVERYTHING about your body..needless to say the starving diets and endless work outs did not work. Long story short I did loose the weight (the usual 20lbs dropped fast and i had to work for the next 20). When I got pregnant I was 5’9 130lbs today I am 5’9 and 135-140 (depending on stress..lol) and you know what thats ok (on my good days) my BMI is within healthy range and on the outside (with clothes on I look decent). I still struggle tremendously with my body image but what is so hard is that I KNOW I don’t look horrible but I feel like I do. And it’s exhausting. Every day throughout the day I am looking at a mirror and at my stomach and thighs and thinking “do i look fat?”..when I know I don’t but I don’t know how to make the fears and insecurities go away. Then I found this website where real women show real pictures and share real stories and I have hope that maybe someday soon what I know and what I see are the same thing.

The picture in the white pants is a week postpartum
The Picture in the green stripes is today 3/4 years postpartum
Red shorts the day i found out I was pregnant ( I was 14 wks)
Preggo pic day of delivery (kind of day I went into labor at least…)

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births:2 pregnancies 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: I girl age 3 (almost 4)