4 Years Later and Still Insecure (Amanda)

I have always been thin. I know this now. I can look back at pictures of of me and see it but at the time (and even now sometimes) I forget and all the anxiety comes back. I have always had self image issues to the point of crazy water diets and just plain not eating..Well when the news that I was preggo in my eggo came to front in Feb of 2007 that would all (mostly) change. I fought gaining weight the first 5 months of my pregnancy to the point where my doctor was using threats to get me to eat more than my self allotted calories. I don’t remember at what point exactly it was but I got over my fear of weight gain and throughout the pregnancy I gained 44lbs..9 months later a gorgeous baby girl was born and I couldn’t be happier (minus the whole deployed husband that could of been better). But as most of us know after the adrenaline of having a baby and sleepless nights are slowly less and less your body comes back into the picture with a screaming vengeance of “Look what you did to me”. I thought ok no big deal I will just do what I have always done and basically starve myself and work out until im back to “perfection”..HA little did I know that not only does having a baby change the appearance of your body but it changes EVERYTHING about your body..needless to say the starving diets and endless work outs did not work. Long story short I did loose the weight (the usual 20lbs dropped fast and i had to work for the next 20). When I got pregnant I was 5’9 130lbs today I am 5’9 and 135-140 (depending on stress..lol) and you know what thats ok (on my good days) my BMI is within healthy range and on the outside (with clothes on I look decent). I still struggle tremendously with my body image but what is so hard is that I KNOW I don’t look horrible but I feel like I do. And it’s exhausting. Every day throughout the day I am looking at a mirror and at my stomach and thighs and thinking “do i look fat?”..when I know I don’t but I don’t know how to make the fears and insecurities go away. Then I found this website where real women show real pictures and share real stories and I have hope that maybe someday soon what I know and what I see are the same thing.

The picture in the white pants is a week postpartum
The Picture in the green stripes is today 3/4 years postpartum
Red shorts the day i found out I was pregnant ( I was 14 wks)
Preggo pic day of delivery (kind of day I went into labor at least…)

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births:2 pregnancies 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: I girl age 3 (almost 4)

4 thoughts on “4 Years Later and Still Insecure (Amanda)

  • Friday, September 16, 2011 at 2:52 pm

    Me and you are are exactly the same..I had those awful red stretch marks that are now silver Im 10 months pp,I have two girls my eldest is 21 months and my youngest is 10 months..my second got me with weight gain and stretch marks. Looking at you and hearing your story reminds me Im not too bad,Im not what I was but Im not too bad. You look good and with a bit of excerise (yeah like there is time with a 4 year old) that little belly would be gone. But Im happy with my pot belly my kids love climbing it and sqaushing it and slapping it. You have a great figure from what I can see.

  • Monday, September 19, 2011 at 11:07 am

    You and I both have daughters around the same age, and I too gained about as much weight as you did with my first pregnancy (I have a son whose older). I know what you mean by our insecurities being exhausting, that’s the perfect way to describe it. Even if we “know” it’s not so bad, or others tell us as much, those feelings about ourselves can still remain. In any case, I think you look great and I can’t even see any stretch marks on you! :) No doubt you WILL get to that point where what you know and what you feel are finally the same.

  • Tuesday, September 20, 2011 at 8:18 am

    were stretch mark twins!! ive have 3 kiddos 5, 2, and 4 months most of my stretch marks (SM) appeared with my first pg then just got a little longer with the other 2 ive got them everywhere hips, boobs, stomach, arms, legs, butt just about everywhere except my face lol!! they have gotten lighter!! you will always have the texture of SM i use to hate them so much but now i embrase them they are beautiful part of my pregnancies and i wud never give them up they remind me of how blessed i am to have 3 children and thats what im focused on!! good luck and congrats on Motherhood!!

  • Monday, December 19, 2011 at 12:49 am

    Your stretch marks look a lot like mine and it makes me feel wonderful because you look lovely! I seriously think that if I lose a little weight after this second baby is delivered and tone my body some I will feel pretty like I have in the past. Thank you. I mean that a lot. <3

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