Before Pregnancy

(Morgan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

Age: (current) 20 (At time of delivery) 19
3 pregnancies, 1 (natural) birth (2 miscarriages during their first trimesters)

My daughter, Lauren, is 1 1/2 currently. When she was born she was 9 lbs. 3 oz. 22.75 in.

Pre-pregnancy weight: 150 on a bad day
Post-pregnancy weight to date: 198 on a bad day

1st picture: Pre-pregnancy
2nd picture: 7 months prego
3rd picture: 8 months prego
The rest are 1 1\2 years pp

I gained 54 pounds during pregnancy.. I caved in to almost all of my cravings and didn’t care how I ate because everyone told me I was so young and thin that my body would snap back. So I ate with confidence in the fact that I’d lose all the weight. I also played volleyball, basketball, and soccer to have my physique. Sports ended when I got pregnant and I had nothing active to jump back into. My husband also gained about 30 pounds during pregnancy and still has yet to lose weight as well. We love each other despite our body changes and he is always reminding me of my beauty and that my body is a sexy baby maker.

I run a group on Facebook called, The Mommy Network and it has fulfilled me in certain ways as a mom, but this is my first step to self-esteem recovery. I hope I can make someone feel better about themselves by posting this and in that, I feel better about myself.

Mommy of 4 Boys (Carollee)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Endometriosis, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 11 Comments

Hi, My name is Carollee and I’m from Cleveland, OH. I was 19, 5’4′ and weighed about 130lbs when I got pregnant with my oldest son, Anthony. I gained the least amount of weight with him (about 50lbs) and delivered a happy healthy boy in Jan 2001. I had a typical what you read about delivery. 12 hour labor, Epidural at 4cm, but I only pushed once! He weighed 7lbs 2 oz and was 21 inches long. Complete Perfection!

A year later I was down to 115lbs. After suffering through a Miscarriage in Jan 2002, I got pregnant with my 2nd son in March. I carried differently, but I got huge and delivered him in Dec 2002 at 41 weeks weighing in at 190lbs. He was my biggest baby. He weighed 8lbs. My labor was a total of 3 hours from the first time I had a contraction until he was here. I did not have time for an Epidural but they did give me nerve block to help with the pain, which it did not! That was the hardest labor for me and I almost didn’t want more kids after him because of it. The nurses came sneaking into my room the next morning. I guess I turned into a devil women and was very nasty to everyone in my room. They were happy to see I was really a nice person, lol!

During the next year I had some problems with my girlie parts. I was diagnosed with a condition called Adenomyosis. It’s similar to Endometriosis, but slightly different. I was told if I planned on more kids I needed to do it now because I would most likely need a full Hysterectomy within the next few years. We decided to go ahead and have one more. I had lost a ton of weight after I had my 2nd son and when I finally got pregnant with my 3rd son in Nov/2005 I only weighed 103lbs. When I delivered him in July I was topping the scales at almost 200lbs. I was all belly!!! I am surprised I did not topple over I was so big!! I had another very fast delivery with him. It was 4 hours from my first contraction and I didn’t have to push at all. I was able to get an epidural so my labor with him was painless and I was not the evil devil women I was before!! He was a healthy 8lb 2 oz bundle of joy.

I only stayed non pregnant for 9 months. A family vacation to Niagara Falls sent us home with an extra surprise. I was 125lbs when I got pregnant with my last little guy. I gained a ton of weight again and delivered him on January 9th weighing in at 199lbs. I had to be induced because I was 41 weeks and because of how fast my deliveries went. When they induced me they gave me an epidural right after. They had checked me after the epidural and I was 3 cm. The nurse walked around my bed to put my info in my chart and I told her I could feel him crowning. She said it was impossible. My water broke and she reached over and his head was right there! I was still in a Triage room. there was no heating bed, Doctor, anything. She called the nurses station while holding his head inside me with 2 fingers. My Dr was just getting there. She ran around the bed just in time to see Killian plop onto the bed! I had not been in the hospital for 2 hours total and he was here. He weighed 7lbs 8oz and was another perfect little boy.

My body has been on a roller coaster of weights. My stomach has been stretched out, my chest has been everywhere from a “C” cup pre-pregnancy to a “DD” after birth to settle down to completely deflated “A” cups. I always had a problem nursing because my chest would literally just deflate and I would have very little milk production. I have stretch marks, but they are proof that I carried these 4 boys inside me. They remind me of the little kicks, back flips, and jabs to the ribs.

Pictures:
1~ Me Pre Kids
2~ 7 Months prego with my oldest
3~My Oldest, Anthony
4~ 5 months prego with my 2nd
5~ My 2nd Boy, Garrett
6~ After my 2nd
7~ 39 weeks prego with my 3rd
8~ My 3rd baby boy, Dalton
9~ 38 weeks prego with my 4th
10~ My baby boy, Killian
11~ My Boys, Worth every every Stretch mark :)
12~ Me Today 4-24-2012

~Age: 31
~Number of pregnancies and births: 5 Pregnancies; 4 Births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: My boys are 11, 9, 5 & 4

Learning Acceptance (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 5 Comments

Pregnancies/Children: 1
7 weeks Postpartum

Growing up I had self esteem issues and I struggled with an eating disorder up until I found out I was pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant everything changed, I knew I needed to care for myself for my child. My mother didn’t do a very good job teaching us to love ourselves as we were because she was always dieting and getting plastic surgeries (even though she is/was already thin and beautiful) I gained 52 pounds during my pregnancy and so far at 7 weeks postpartum I have lost 31. My husband thinks I am beautiful and I am learning to love myself as well. We want to have another child, hopefully a girl this time (we have a boy) and I want my children to grow up knowing they are beautiful as they are. The first picture is me 6 weeks pregnant. The rest are now at 7 weeks postpartum. I have stretch marks everywhere and a loose belly. My boobs got huge and saggy, I am breastfeeding and no matter how hard I try to increase supply in the left side, my right breast is still 2 cup sizes bigger. These bodily changes are what brought me to my beautiful baby boy and I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I Want My Body Back (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Toxemia 21 Comments

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5.5 month old ds/5.5 months pp

As long as I can remember, I have struggled with body image issues. All throughout my school years, I was always the big/fat/chunky/chubby/amazon woman or what have you. I was 5’9″ and 210 at my heaviest. I have also struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. When I was 19, I went on a one month food cleanse/detox per my naturopath and 5 months later, I was down 70 pounds. I was now 5’10” and 140-145 and felt and looked amazing, however at the time I still felt self conscious. I look back at pictures of what I used to look like and I just want to kick myself for wasting all that time hating a gorgeous person… Fast forward to November 10, 2011, I was 21 years old and via 3 week early induction and then emergency c-section due to pre eclampsia (at one point I gained over 20 pounds in one week from fluid), my son was born. He is my WORLD and has changed my mind and heart for the better… however, he also changed my body, completely and drastically. Due to stress, pre eclampsia and laziness, I gained over 100 pounds throughout my pregnancy. I stopped looking at the scale at the doctor’s office but I am now almost 6 months pp and 220 pounds, 80 pounds overweight. I don’t even feel like myself anymore, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without feeling immense pain and grief. I don’t want to wear maternity jeans and sweatpants and huge tshirts all the time, I feel like a big bum and it doesn’t help my depression. I went from a size 3/5 jeans to not even being able to wear a 14; size small/medium shirts to large/xlarge. I have shopped in the plus sizes for the first time in my life. I am exclusively breastfeeding and not losing any weight! I’m even eating healthy, gluten/wheat/dairy free for my son. I just want to love myself for what I look like now. I don’t want to be worried that I’ll never find a man to love me. I want to feel comfortable in clothes and be a great positive example for my son. I just don’t want to be in pain when I think about my body. I haven’t even seen any other mom with stretch marks like mine, or who had the weight gain I had. I wouldn’t want to take anything back though, my baby boy is my entire world, I can’t imagine ever living without him and he completes me. Even though I feel ugly on the outside, I am a changed person on the inside. I love my mind now, and that has to count for something.

1. me at my lowest/healthiest weight
2. 17 weeks pregnant
3. 37 weeks pregnant
4. my beautiful son (5 months old)
5. 5.5 months pp front view
6. 5.5 months side view
7. me now at 220 pounds.

The Stranger in the Mirror (Miserable)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 17 Comments

Before my first pregnancy in 2008 I was relatively slim: 9 stone 7 lbs ( 133 pounds in American money!) although I don’t think I carried it well as I’m short: 5′ 3″, and I’ve always had a big bottom and wide hips, but even so I was in fairly good shape. I was a lot slimmer before 2008, I’d had one of those years and put on about half a stone so I was already on the path to self-loathing. But when I became pregnant I really wasn’t concerned with putting on weight and for the first time in many years I didn’t bother about calorie counting and ate what I wanted when i wanted, but never for two! Oh OK, I ate for about 10 when I went on holiday to Barbados halfway through my pregnancy but otherwise I ate properly some days, a bit OTT others. While I knew I would have to lose a few pounds after giving birth I was enjoying the fact that I didn’t need to starve myself and that I felt free of the bulimia/weight on/weight off cycle I’d been in during my twenties. I was very excited about the impending birth of my son.

At 4 months’ pregnant I BALLOONED overnight. And it didn’t stop; I even had people stop me in the street and ask if I was expecting twins and at 16 weeks pregnant when flying from Italy, where I lived, to the UK I was asked for my doctor’s letter to say I could fly (a letter which, in Europe, we don’t have to have until 28 weeks pregnant) and in one restaurant that we frequented regularly in Italy the waitress was aghast when she saw me at around 6 months pregnant and said (in Italian) “My God how much weight have you put on? You must have put on 40 kilos, my daughter only put on 11 kilos in her whole pregnancy. You English eat far too much!” I left immediately in tears. After 7 and half months I didn’t leave the house other than to pop downstairs to the local greengrocer for some fruit. It was completely crushing to have people stare at me, to see my reflection in shop windows, to be asked how many were in there, to be told I was fat. I was but I didn’t want to be told so. The latter part of my pregnancy was completely ruined and, looking back, I think depression had started to set in even then. It didn’t help that my stepdad (who had brought me up from age 5) was dying of Cancer and my mum was so engrossed in her caring role that she virtually ignored my pregnancy. We had to have our son in the UK (for reasons of nationality) so at 8 and a half months pregnant we got the sleeper train to the UK. We booked a holiday cottage and waited. And waited. And waited a bit more. I refused to be induced and our baby was born 21 days overdue! I was devastated to end up with an emergency caesarean (I’m English! This is how we spell it!) due to our baby turning back-to-back, placenta abrupting and a few other things (which i don’t care to remember), I had been staunchly against caesareans throughout my pregnancy and to this day I am heartbroken that I didn’t get the natural birth I wanted. yes, I know the most important thing was a healthy baby, I really do, but I still mourn not having a normal delivery. I feel denied my womanly right.

I didn’t get to hold our baby for an hour and 20 minutes after the birth – not because there was anything wrong, not because I’d had a general (I hadn’t), simply because the midwife handed him to my partner without thinking and forgot to say that I could hold him (we thought that perhaps I wasn’t allowed to in the operating theatre). When we got to the recovery room I asked to hold him. I’ll never forget how he looked at me – it wasn’t the look of recognition that so many women talk about, it wasn’t love, I felt like he was saying ‘Oh no, I’ve got YOU!” From that day to this he’s always been Daddy’s boy. I think the postnatal depression started in earnest the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my son, but it wasn’t a happy time after the birth – for a long time. While in hospital I didn’t worry about my enormous belly that still looked at least 6 months pregnant, even when my dad came to see me and said sarcastically, “You’ve got a lovely figure now, haven’t you?!” (tact, diplomacy, sensitivity – not his strong points). That started about a week later.

During pregnancy no. 1 I put on 70 pounds.

I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and didn’t lose a single pound (other than the 14 I lost giving birth and losing water immediately after). My stepdad died when my son was 7 months old and I lost 14 pounds then. A year later I lost 7 pounds then went to New Zealand to visit relatives and put it back on (cakes galore made by my partner’s mum). I’d just started to lose again when I became pregnant with no.2 and, just as before, bang! I looked 6 months pregnant at 6 weeks. I had recently joined the gym on a special programme via the doctor but I had such terrible morning sickness and was so uncomfortable with heartburn (which started at 6 weeks and continued to 39 weeks, not a day’s let up) and my general size that I gave up at 3 months pregnant. At 4 months pregnant, mid October 2010, I was asked by the checkout operator at the supermarket if I would be having a Christmas baby. When I told him “No, a Spring baby” he almost fell on the floor. We had moved back to the Uk by this time and I have to say that the comments about my size were fewer than they had been in Italy. But still I felt not unlike Jabba the Hut. This time I had prenatal depression and it was awful, I really struggled to get through it and had counselling all through the pregnancy. Happily, however, the day son no. 2 was born (caesarean again after 38 and a half weeks of planning a VBAC I was forced to change my mind as baby was transverse and had been all the way through the pregnancy that they could tell) it lifted, just melted away. This time, I held my baby almost as he was born (a very understanding surgeon who agreed to many non-routine things for me) and he looked at me with love.

During pregnancy no. 2 I put on 42 pounds. Considerably better than no.1 but remember I hadn’t lost much after no.1 so I ended up 14 pounds heavier than I had done at the end of pregnancy no.1. But this time I lost 28 pounds within a month of giving birth, then slowly lost another 7 over the next 6 months, then stopped. Again I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and now my son is 12 months I still feed him myself twice a day. But I have lost no more weight. I admit I comfort eat. And eat. And loathe. And eat and then I do it all again, it goes on in a vicious cycle. I haven’t seen my pubic hair for 4 years now due to the enormous overhanging lump of lard around my middle – and I used to have quite a flat stomach, proudly so. I am 4 dress sizes bigger than I used to be pre-children. I have a proper double chin that Tevye would proud to see on Golde. I have 3 huge boxes of beautiful, some expensive, clothes that I cannot wear and slump around in supermarket threads which are cheap in the hope that soon I will be able to get my real clothes out again. I avoid some old friends who want to see me after living abroad for many years because I’m so embarrassed about how I look compared to when they last saw me and I was slim. Every couple of months I manage to find some motivation and do some exercise and start a diet but when I lose only 3 or 4 pounds in a month or so I lose heart and binge on, well anything really. Half the problem with exercise is that the overhang really hurts if I do much more than a brisk walk – it literally slaps me on the upper thighs and swings from side to side.

I can barely look at myself in the mirror, every single bit of me looks like someone else. And I don’t like her.

Age 38

Picture 1 shows me at 8 weeks pregnant, first pregnancy 2008
Pic 2 Approx 18 weeks
Pic 3 Approx 38 weeks
Pic 4 Today, 21st April 2012 (I didn’t take any pics of myself during pregnancy no. 2)

My husband loves my body, why can’t I? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Legs, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 13 Comments

Age-24
Pregnancies/Births-1

Today I am 17 weeks postpartum.

Just a little background- I had always had self image problems. I remember puking in middle school until high school were during my junior year I met my now husband.He immediately was putting “meat” on my frail 80lb body. I am 5’2”. So I was really starved and needed the help. My husband and I have been together for 7 1/2 years now. Yes, do the math we met when I was 16. And my husband is 7 years older than I am as well.

During my pregnancy my Mother in Law who lives 2 hours away would say how “huge” I had gotten. I ended up almost destroying our relationship. I didn’t get ONE stretch mark until 32 weeks. After I had my beautiful baby girl I was proud of my baby and my body after the birth. This body created life. Something so beautiful! My husband and I were crazy for each other and our baby! We couldn’t keep our hands off each other- Just as we were just before birth and before I was carrying our baby. I had the birth I dreamed of. I managed the pain and had a natural birth. Our plans came together and we worked together beautifully during the birth.

And then life hit and my mom was in the room after I had taken a bath during the day after having my baby. “Oh my god, your stretch marks are worse than mine” I was still positive then- It had barely been 16 hours. I brushed it off. We come home and I still embrace them. I began nursing her and she grew like a weed! almost 3 pounds in 13 days! After she was a month old I began scrutinizing my body in the mirror. My legs had large amounts almost to my knee cap and my stomach had plenty as well. Ugh. I tried Mederma and used it religiously and would ask my husband if they looked any better.

Months later she still says my stretch marks are worse than hers because I have them on my legs as well. I can’t get over this. I have lost the 27 pounds I gained during pregnancy. And most of the marks have faded. She does ultrasound cavitation you may have seen it on Dr Oz. Anyways she has done that on them as well. And they look somewhat better. But I am to the point now I DO NOT want to be around her. I wear clothes that cover my mid section so she doesn’t have to see a roll or a mark. It’s the same in public as well. I will feel like a goddess at home in my clothes while nursing etc and then when I leave I feel like everyone knows. Everyone sees my marks my scars. They see my tattoo along with the scars and probably think yep she will never show that off again.

I want to wear my stretch marks with pride. My husband LOVES my body now. He loves rubbing it. Hell, He keeps me up most nights rubbing me and shaking my ass begging me to love on him and kiss him. He constantly wants to make love. And I can’t get over my body while making love. He wasn’t like this before- I swear- we loved one another but not like this. It is really like he is obsessed with me now. Why can’t I feel this good about my body if he does?

I am still in the process of healing my mind from the scarring. But, I come to this site often and love to read and look at photos and I figured why not. I could help someone else and it might help me as well. I want to feel like a goddess when I leave my home even when my husband isn’t beside me telling my how beautiful I am. I am afraid if I don’t fix my mind now it could take a toll on our relationship. If you don’t love yourself no one else can love you either.

Photo #1- 2010 photo I took for my husband before we got married.
Photo#2- 38 weeks pregnant- I gave birth just 2 weeks later but I remained the same measurements
photo #3- 3 months post-natal
Photo #4-3 months post-natal side view

35 Weeks Pregnant (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

This pregnancy took me by surprise. I wasn’t seeing anyone seriously and when I found out and told the father, whom I’d been seeing casually for about six months, he acted so shamefully that I knew I wouldn’t have his support in the long run. I was right, a couple months of no contact later, he moved to another country. I’ve always known that if I were to become pregnant I’d keep the baby, and I’ve always found pregnant women so beautiful. I imagined myself thin and fit with a big round belly, full of liveliness and energy. My pregnant reality is that I’ve already got some deep purple stretchmarks on the bottom of my stomach (hard to photograph), back fat, and cellulite everywhere. My breasts are sagging and I have no idea the shape my stomach will take after I deliver. Why did my arms get so fat?

I wondered if I’d ever wear a bikini again (pictured 1 month pre-pregnancy, and 35 weeks along), so I squeezed into my old bikini for fun and it was bittersweet. I’ve gained at least 25 lbs, probably more but I refuse to look at the scale when they weigh me.
This is going to be tough, but I’m so excited to meet my little boy, regardless.

Feeling Myself Again, Even Though I’m So Different (Amanda C)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 9 and a half months daughter Sadie…

My name is Amanda I am 24 and have had one pregnancy where I gave birth to my daughter May 17 2011. She is almost 10 remember being about 6 months pregnant and was thinking that I was safe no weight gain no stretch marks.. i still remember the day i spotted just 1 stretch mark and started to panic i went straight to the pharmacy to get bio-oil and three other stretch mark creams … I remember crying and hating my body as I went from being 160lbs to 230 at the end of my pregnancy… I had stretch marks on my boobs, legs. arms, back of my knees, hips and stomach. At the end of my pregnancy I should have been so happy to have my beautiful daughter and well I was extremely happy!! I was depressed about the way i looked i didn’t want pictures taken with my daughter i didn’t want anyone seeing me i basically hid out in my house. I was just not myself i didn’t smile i didn’t laugh i didn’t joke. … as on January 10 2012 I stopped sulking and finally did something i started dieting and exercising and have managed to lose 35 lbs so far! i went from 230 to currently 195! My stretch marks are still there but I now love them!! there is a mark for every wiggle every breath and every blink my angel took while my body withstood amazing obstacles and HOUSED a life that I brought to this earth <3 I thought it was the stretch marks that were my biggest problem but they weren't the problem was my weight which i had to realize I CAN CONTROL I just have to try! Now that i am losing weight i feel great! i want to go for walks get out of the house I want to show off my body WITH my new stretch marks!! I want everyone to know I had a baby! THIS BODY MADE A LIFE! Some may think its ugly or even disgusting to look at but that's really completely fine with me cause these stretch marks represent where I met the love of my life.. they represent the most important thing in my life <3 I feel so empowered! Its just so amazing that something I was so terrified of something I couldn't control or prevent became my stripes of pride! Pic 1 and 2: Are pre pregnancy pictures (when i thought i was my happiest) Pic 3: Is me 6 and a half months pregnant. Pic 4: Is me 9 months pregnant ( big weight gain) Pic 5 and 6: when I gave birth to my angel (notice my stretch marks) Pic 7 and 8: my post pregnancy weight gain you can just tell by the look on my face that i am not happy at all. No confidence ... Pic 9: here i was at about 20 pounds weight loss!! I Look so ALIVE compared to my previous 2 post pregnancy pictures. pic 10 and 11: Are ME CURRENTLY!! what my belly looks like now at almost 10 months post partum... lost 35 lbs since January 10!! [gallery]

More Than a Shape (Melissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 1 Comment

Age – 20
# of Births – 1
P.P – 1 week

I had the greatest love of my life ask me to marry him last year. Of course I said yes and wedding plans were in the air when I found out I was pregnant. Side note – I told him at 3 in the morning jumping in to bed because I had just taken the test because it said to use your morning pee but really had to go and didn’t want to mess anything up. Poor man was shocked. We both were since we were pretty careful. But the pregnancy was not the least bit unwanted. We moved the wedding up to August so that my dress would still fit and we already were about to move in together so timing wise everything was pretty perfect.

My pregnancy was pretty routine other than I didn’t have a midwife until I was 21 weeks and there were no doctors willing to take me as a patient. He was a perfectly healthy little boy and we were both so excited. I didn’t hate being pregnant but I wasn’t overly interested in it either. I liked feeling him move the first few times and watching him grow inside me but I never felt super connected with him which worried me a little. At 34 weeks I just started liking him more and more. I had a false labor at 35 weeks which scared everyone because it didnt seem like a false labor at the time, but after a night in the hosptial everything calmed down. For a while…

Before getting pregnant I was a fairly active person, loved to work out and running was my favorite. I continued with exercise through my pregnancy, slowing down of course and accepted the changes to my body, not right away as I complained about the strecth marks on my breasts and hips. I did get what I feel was fairly big over the pregnancy, starting at 133 pounds and going up to 170 approx when I gave birth. I was pretty upset about the marks on my hips and in the last month of pregnancy they showed up all over my legs. Another side note – I have never had any stretch marks before being pregnant so they came as a pretty big shock.

Last month of being pregnant, can we say uncomfortable? The whole pregnancy my little baby had been on my right side bunched up and my ribs were all inflamed from his constant pressure on them. Hard to breathe, couldn’t sit up, impossible to sleep (I was lucky if I could get 2 hours total a night). I was really ready for this baby to come out.

Having a midwife was really amazing. We weren’t planning on it but they had room. I was interested in having a natural birth at the hospital, and we decided to attempt to use nothing during the delivery and if not then laughing gas because it didnt affect the baby at all. I was excited to have a natural birth. At the routine 39 week appointment with my midwife, she took my blood pressure…twice and then made me lie down and took it again and then told me we needed to go to the hospital right away. I was 160/120 and mine was usually about 130/70. We got to the hospital and got checked over and over and over again and it was staying high with it’s highest being at 179/126. Even after 3 doses of blood pressure medication there was almost no change. They induced me at 6pm on Wednesday. Contractions were strong and less than 3 minutes apart after a few hours. I was 3 cm dilated but it was going slow. By 6am I was using the laughing gas which was barely sustaining me and I was getting tired. At lunch time on Thursday they broke my water hoping to speed things up because I wasn’t dilating any more. That pushed me over the edge pain wise, maybe just in my head, and I was started on Demoral since my birthing plan was pretty much out the window. I slowly started dilating and by 8pm I was about 8 cm. I was in so much pain and couldn’t stop screaming and crying and even my midwife said I should get an epidural. I finally agreed and after it starting working I was really glad I gave in. After trying to push for 3 hours and being fully dilated and nothing happening, the doctor said I would be getting a C section and there was no other choice. I was pretty upset about it but after 37 hours of labor I was pretty quick to be okay with it. The C-section was the scariest thing ever but I made it through with my husband by my side.

After it was all over I had a beautiful baby boy weighing 9 pounds exactly and was 21 inches long. A pretty big boy. But he is healthy and happy and a great sleeper. But I also have a scar that I was never expecting to have. I can complain about the stretch marks and the giant cut but it really is all in the way you look at it and thats why I wanted to write my story. My scar is the product of a little boy who came out of me the only way possible, the stretch marks a result of making this little boy the healthiest newborn there is and I got some really great breasts out of it too. I mean I think they were great before but I always felt they looked fake because they were so perky. Now they are giant round real looking breasts and I like that a lot better.

I guess my point is that your shape is more than just the way your body looks. It’s about creating a life, or many lives, and the joys and pains that it has to go through to make that happen. The life of a child is worth any scar or stretch mark that I could ever see. I know it might not feel that way and believe me I have days were I feel like a round lump of whale (just ask my husband), but it’s a frame of mind and any body that has gone through pregnancy will be beautiful in its own way and thats the simple truth of it all.

1st picture – Prepregnancy Body
2nd picture – 37 weeks pregnant
3rd picture – My precious little man at 2 days old

A New Appreciation (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, PCOS, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 4 Comments

Age: 21, Pregnancies: 2, Births: 1
11 weeks postpartum

I’ve tried writing this entry almost ten times. Some stating how much I admire my body now, some stating how much I hate it. Instead, I’m just going to be honest.

I’d love to tell you that I adore my body despite it’s changes, but that would be a lie. What I can say is that I finally found appreciation for my body. Not only for it’s physical appearance but for the strength it had to grow my child and bring him to me on it’s own. You see, I come from a history of still born babies, miscarriages and incompetent cervix. When I found out I was pregnant, I was the most scared I have ever been for what journey I may have to take, what loss I may have to make. I struggle with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and had my fallopian tube erupt when I was only 16 years old. I never thought I would get pregnant, and was encouraged by my doctor to try before my chances lessened. I was newly single when I discovered I was pregnant. I had just ended a 2 year engagement with the love of my life and was going through a difficult struggle with depression, one that led me to lose a good amount of weight before finding out I was carrying another life inside me. One of the biggest struggles in my relationship was building a future and the fact that my fiance just wasn’t ready to let go of his youth. We started working on our relationship again despite his fear of becoming a father and didn’t up up getting back together fully until 2 months before the arrival of our son. I ended up a week overdue and went into labour on my own. I had a natural delivery and birthed a healthy, 7 pound little boy. All my fears dissapeared, and new ones emerged. My son was in my arms and he was okay, he was perfect.

From the second my boyfriend laid eyes on our son, I saw the change in him. I saw every path in our future together change. Now, with a relationship stronger than it’s ever been and a beautiful son who makes every breath worth taking, I still can’t help but stop and stare in sadness at the stretch marks and sag my skin has taken on. I’m not going to say that this struggle with my body is a new one, I’ve always been far too hard on my physical appearance, but I always had found confidence when it was necessary. I have a wonderful man who tells me everyday that I don’t look like I had a baby and look the exact same to him as before I had our son, but his effort just pushes me away more when it should pull me closer, and I feel guilt when he has to see me with my clothes off. Guily for not being the beautiful, sexy woman he once admired so much. I love him but to me the idea of him seeing me the same way as before our son seems very unrealistic, since the person I see in the mirrornow looks very different from the one I used to know. I know it’s going to take time to love my body again but I think I need day by day to get to know this new me, the way I look now.

At the end of the day, I always find myself able to shake my head and step away from the mirror. Every difference my body shows is the doing of bringing my son into this world, something I never thought possible for me, something many of those I love have not been able to accomplish. I hope one day I can love the physical changes of my body the same way I love the ability it had to bring my son to me. Until then, I’ll just continue being forever thankful to it, and realising that thousands of women out there would give more than the stretch marks we think are so terrible, just to have a baby they aren’t capable of having.

My first photo attached was 3 months before the conception of my son. Second photo is my belly at 40 weeks and 6 days pregnant, I went into labour the next night at 41 weeks pregnant and had him at 3:58am the next morning. Third and forth photos are of my body now, 11 weeks postpartum.

Updated here.