Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

My Story – I Have a Long Way to Go (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Butt, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 33 Comments

Age: 30
2 Pregnancies, 2 Births
Children 9yrs & 7.5yrs

When I was a kid I was skinny/average, like most kids were back then. When I hit 10 or so I started to gain some weight. I lived on a farm so I had to do hard work and because of that my weight fluctuated a bit (not as much work/activity in the winter). I never really noticed that I was chubby until I was 13 and met my “best friend”. She made fun of EVERY part of me. I was to short, my nose was crooked, my top lip was too poofy for the size of my bottom lip (they are about the same size), my butt was too wide for how big it was top to bottom, my finger nails to pointy, my eyes to almond shaped, my hips too small. You name it, she had something bad to say about it. It was such an impressionable time for me and she ruined what self esteem I had. I met my husband when I was almost 18. He always said he thought I was sexy and beautiful. Even when I was pregnant he still wanted to see me naked and make love with me. During my first pregnancy I gained about 30 pounds. I didn’t quite lose all the weight when I became pregnant again when my first was 10.5 months old. Again I gained about 30-35 pounds. I nursed through my pregnancy and went on to tandem nurse. I lost a LOT of weight rather quickly. I lost all the baby weight and more probably by the time my second child was a year old. I am smaller now than I was before I was ever pregnant, about 25 pounds lighter. You would think that would make me feel really good but it doesn’t. I work out regularly (at least until the past month or), stay active through out the day and eat really healthy. I can’t stand to see my stretch marks, loose skin and small breasts. After nursing for 6 years straight my breasts are even smaller than their already to small pre-pregnancy size and my nipples are stretched out.

I really want to get a boob job, nose job and a tummy tuck but my husband says no way, I’m beautiful just the way I am and he wouldn’t want to touch my boobs if they were fake. He thinks they would look and feel weird. I can’t stand my stomach. I can’t seem to burn the last of the fat off of it, unless I starve myself. The loose skin on it is just disgusting too. I am always grabbing and pinching it wishing it would just go away. My husband says he thinks my stomach is as sexy as it ever was and it’s amazing because it accommodated our precious children. Under normal circumstances I would believe all these things except he has been looking at porn so much. A few months ago he promised me he would not do that ever again and that if we made love every day he wouldn’t want to do it anymore. We do make love almost every day and I still caught him looking at it when I was outside in the yard, playing with the kids! He couldn’t even wait until I wasn’t home to do it (oh and we had just made love the morning before and I had no idea he was even horny that day). He says it’s not because he doesn’t find me attractive. He always tells me how sexy I am and can’t keep his hands off of me. He’ll walk by and say, “MMM MMM” or squeeze my butt when I walk by or bend over. All I can figure is that if I looked like the porn stars he loves to look at so much he would stop looking at other women (I took some naked pics that even I can’t deny I actually look really good in but he still prefers to look at other women naked when it comes to satisfying himself. He actually wanted to show them to his co-workers, or someone because he said I looked so beautiful it was hard to keep them to his self!). Unfortunately we can’t afford for me to get any plastic surgery. I keep telling him when I save up I’m getting it done whether he approves or not. Why wouldn’t he want me to get these things done if I’m willing to do them??? He would be the one benefiting from it. It just doesn’t make sense. I know he loves me very much. He helps out around the house, helps out with the kids and supports me in everything I do. I have become obsessed with is porn habit though. Every time I go outside to do yard work or leave with the kids all I can think about is that he must be jacking off to porn. I just can’t let this go. I don’t know if most women’s husbands look at it and they think it’s no big deal but it’s a big deal to me.

I have so much work to get myself emotionally healthy. I really don’t want to pass this negative body image and screwed up thinking onto my daughter. I’m always worried that I’m going to gain a pound or two and then my husband won’t want to look at me or touch me anymore. I’m thinking about seeing a counselor. I’m not sure at this point if it will do me any good though. I just can’t imagine looking at myself in the mirror and not thinking I’m fat, ugly, stretched out and scarred up. Thanks for listening to me.

The first attached picture is me when I was 19 before I was pregnant, the second is 27 weeks with my second baby, the last picture is a full body shot taken yesterday.

Proud Momma (Van)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

When I got pregnant at 19 I was 140lbs and happy with how I looked for the most part (who doesn’t have little qualms about how they look.?) Now at 2 years post partum I am 195lbs, which is more than I was fully pregnant with my little girl. I feel mixed emotions about my body, I fee disgusting and sad, and ashamed that I let myself get this way. But I am trying to not complain about my body in front of my daughter. I want her to see that women are beautiful! and so as a *friend* of mine said “I will walk the walk”. What better way then to celebrate the shape of a mother with images! I have stretch marks on my hips, but they are my badge of honour for the accomplishment that is my daughter. My Breasts are not perky but they nourished her. I cant wait to do it again, regardless of what it does to my body! I am a Mother!

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 years postpartum

first 3 pics are me 2 years post partum , the last is me at 27 weeks.

New Mummy, New body to accept (Kelly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 18 Comments

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Kara is 4 weeks old

My partner Matt and I are both young, I’m 22, he is 20. We had Kara 4 weeks ago, I had to have an emergency c-section as I was induced at 9 days overdue and after 12 hours of hard labour I hadn’t dilated at all.

I was happy with the c-section, although it took me about a week to walk unsupported I am happy with how everything went.
I have never been a totally stick skinny person, I’ve always been curvy and I’ve always had big boobs. Now they are just massive haha (and my breastfeeding nipples are so huge!!!).

I’m lucky to have an amazingly supportive partner who tells me every day that I’m still attractive and that he loves my tummy (pouch and all). I got more stretchmarks than I was expecting but I will grow to accept them.

I can’t help but feel down when I see other girls my age in bikinis and such but I have decided that once summer comes round again (December here in Australia) I’ll bear a bikini no matter how floppy I still am because it’ll feel empowering to show of those marks that I like to think of as “Mummy badges”.

I’ve lost so 8 kilos so far, 5 from the birth and 3 kilos since. I aim to get down to 60kgs which is 22 kilos away!!! I’m using Wii Fit for light exercise… I can’t wait til it stops telling me I’m obese!!!

I’ll include a small bunch of pics to show off all my changes

1st pic: pre pregnancy body (actually the night Matt and I found out we were expecting!)
2nd pic: 40 weeks pregnant
3rd pic: 2 hours post c-section
4th pic: 1 week post c-section
5th pic: 4 weeks post c-section, stretchmarks on butt, hip, thigh and stomach
6th pic: 4 weeks post c-section, stretchmarks on stomach and c-section scar
7th pic: 4 weeks post c-section, post partum body
8th pic: Kara Lee Eleanor – 4 weeks old

Why Do We Treat Ourselves With Hate?

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, Collaborative, My Own Ramblings, News 30 Comments

I’ve noticed a certain sort of recurring comment here at SOAM. It goes something like, “Wow, mama, you look GREAT! Your boobs/belly/bum looks way better than mine – I look like crap and I’m much farther postpartum/younger/had fewer kids than you did.” This comment starts off lovely and supportive but quickly turns dark and self-abusive. Why?

In the past I have posted an entry or two which I had hoped would help bring out the positivity in the women here. I have asked them to share things they loved about the way their bodies changed or simply things they loved about their bodies. Very few people responded to these attempts.

So this week, I decided to do a simple experiment. On Monday I asked for you to share the things you wished you could change about your body. As I expected, I was flooded with comments – 74 here at SOAM and another 46 over at Facebook in just about 24 hours. What I didn’t expect were the comments that answered this question on a much deeper level. Comments like these:

Becky Says:
I could make my cesarean scar darker. It’s been 5 1/2 years now and it’s mostly faded. I don’t want to forget. It was a dark, dark time in my life and if I forget I’m afraid I won’t fight hard enough to keep it from happening again.

Adrienne Descloux Says:
I want to know why she’s only interested in my body. I she a man in disguise? If I had a fairy godmother what I’d *really* want her to change is my yard to being self maintained, more time to play crafts with the kids indoors. ;-)

Samantha Says:
I wish she would change my mind, to give me the ability to love my body/myself as it is/as I am. Seriously. My biggest most hideous flaw is how much I hate my appearance.

Michelle Says:
I have scoliosis. I want my back fixed.

Erin Says:
I wish I didn’t have such a long list of things I want to change about my body. Physically there is a lot I would LOVE to change: brow lift, flat tummy, smaller arms, smaller nose, bigger booty, tan, no acne/scars, better toe nails, etc… But I think deep down, most of all I would ask to learn how to love myself just as I am. Also how to be loved by others. I think if I had that then the rest wouldn’t be as important.

krystine Says:
I would ask the ferry god mother for the ability to smile. Something so simple that I struggle with every day, that my oldest (nearly 4) is starting to notice that mummy is sad alot.

These women, despite the pain I hear in their words, speak from a place I hope we can all understand one day (preferably with as little emotional trauma as possible). The idea that our bodies truly are superficial; they are a means to experience life, they should not be our lives. This isn’t to take away from the very real pain we, as women, have to deal with when it comes to loving ourselves and our bodies, but I hope that one day each of us can come to a place where we have moved beyond that pain.

The next day, Tuesday, I asked for you to share with me the things you do like about your bodies. I guessed that fewer people would contribute when forced to speak nicely about themselves and, again, my suspicions proved accurate. Only 40 comments here at SOAM and ten at Facebook. (On the other hand, ten people “liked” this, compared to only 3 from the day before.)

Why is it so much easier to beat ourselves emotionally senseless than it is to lift ourselves up? It takes work to change this way of thinking, but we must do this work. For ourselves, our daughters, our friends, their daughters – indeed for every woman living in this society. But it is not impossible and it can be done one step at a time.

This week, I ask you to take this step: refrain from bashing yourself when lifting up another mama here. When you leave comments here, please do not hurt yourself in the process. I’m not even asking you to compliment yourself here (yet), I ask that you simply don’t insult yourself. Believe it or not, it’s the beginning of the road to accepting yourself.

Twins and a Toddler…not sure who “I am” anymore (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Twins 34 Comments

Who am I? I’m a…Mom….who is unsatisfied. Grateful in a lot of respects, but one who feels guilty I’m so unhappy. I can’t believe I’m writing this. Maybe I’ll get some peace with after doing so…doubtful. I must have taken a half dozen pictures of my belly and kept deleting them saying…”nah, it’s not that bad…must be angle.” But, alas, pictures don’t lie so I here I am…humbled….sad…disgusted.

I’m 39 years old with a 4 year old and boy/girl twins who are almost 9 months old. I had an easy pregnancy with my first and difficult time with the twins for obvious reasons. I was on bed rest at 25 weeks and carried them to 38.5 weeks. My son was born 7 lbs. 6 oz. and my daughter was 6 lbs. 1 oz. Everyone is healthy and for that I’m grateful.

But I hate what it’s done to my self esteem. It’s not just my weight really either.

I’ve never been what you’d consider thin. I was always a pear shape with bigger butt and thighs. My only saving grace was my thin waist and belly…now that’s gone. I’m 5’1” and currently weigh about 185 lbs and wearing size 16 pants. With the twins, I got up to like 220. At my happiest, I weighed about 135ish…around my wedding in 2002. Good times!

I’ve tried buying control garments to push in and smooth out the rolls, but it makes me feel like a sausage so I only wear it when I want to look really good…well, as good as I can. I really don’t get out much…thankfully.

Because of our financial situation and with the unexpected twins, I had to quit work and stay home with the twins (my 4 year old goes to pre-school). I hunger for anytime intellectual stimulation and adult interaction. I often think I might be a better Mommy if I wasn’t around them all day, but that is not in the cards right now so I have to make the best out of this. I miss work, but there is no way I could every go back, not even part time, and afford day care for 2 and pre-school for 1. I’m grateful my husband has a good job and we live modestly so we are ok. I do hate having to ask him for money so I can buy socks or underware. It’s kinda humiliating to have to ask for money, but that is my reality now.

One of the hardest things for me is that me and my husband haven’t had sex in almost 2 years (since we conceived the twins). We didn’t at all when I was pregnant…was never really into that for some reason and after the twins, forget it–no energy or time. We are wiped out by 8:30pm and he wakes for work at 5am so he’s tired and I’m tired too. I have a wonderful husband, he’s a great father, great provider…but I feel we have grown distant in a lot of ways. Most of which are related to the chaos of raising a family and not having a lot of “us” time. We were never really ‘nympho’s”…at our best, we had sex 2 to 3 times a month…but it’s starting to bother me. He doesn’t ever complain about it nor does he ever complain about my body…but he never really gives me some positive hope either by saying “oh, honey, you look fine to me.” I’m sure he’s biting his lips out of kindness. I hate my body and don’t feel attractive at all.

The scar doesn’t really bother me, but the “twin skin” does. When I’m laying down, it’s all loose and wrinkled. When I stand, it sags. I don’t even think the gym would help with the extra skin…but it would help if I’d go more. I don’t really mind the gym…getting there is half the battle. The hardest part is managing the twins and a toddler and the gym. Between naps and feeding, I have 45 minutes to get there, drop the off in the child care center on site, work out and get them home for their next nap. I’ve tried working out at home, but I can’t stay focused…I keep thinking about all the housework to do and the million other things I could be doing.

Eating healthy is sooooo much hard work and expensive. Healthy stuff is so expensive and we are living paycheck to paycheck and there is not much left over. And, who has time to cut all that stuff up and prepare…people say the night before….well, I’m beat and exhausted by 9pm. I’m so crazed during the day, that I’m lucky if I can make a PB&J or something quick…surely and conveniently unhealthy. There are times I’m so stressed out that I eat just because it makes me feel better. Like a drug. There are times, I just want to throw up for a week or two to see some results and maybe get motivated. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try Alli too…soiling my pants might be enough motivation to eat well. I don’t know.

It’s not really the weight per se, it’s the displacement of “stuff.” My belly from the side view looks like a “B” and it’s so…weird. I guess that is the twin skin pouch I was warned about. I guess the only lucky part is that I didn’t get any stretch marks which is amazing considering how large I got (picture below is of me at 37 weeks).

I long to be a healthy weight and happy with my body…it doesn’t have to be perfect, but not like it is now which is terrible period. There is not way of sugar coating it for me. I don’t want to be the ‘fat mom’ who can’t run after and keep up with her children. I want my husband to “want me”. I have to find the gumption to do something about this!

Thanks for reading. I hope I can find some peace someday. Maybe after the kids are in school and I go back to work and start saving for a tummy tuck. But for now, I know who I am a frumpy Mom…with no career…no sex life…living in empire waste clothing to hide my belly…with healthy and happy kids, a good husband, and for that I should find comfort…but I really don’t–but will keep trying.

– Age: 39
– Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 births—1 via c-section, 1 set of twins via c-section, 1 miscarriage at 9 weeks.
– The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 yr old and 8 month old twins (8 months postpartum)

“You’re Perfect” – Two Saving Words (Destiny)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 2 Comments

When I was ten, I was driven two states over to spend the summer with my Grandparents. I don’t know what we were doing, but I was playing outside, and walked up to my Grandma. I wish I could remember the words I started with, but she replied “You’d better be careful, Dez, you’re getting the least bit thick in the belly” (this was a ten year old’s baby fat left, and I wasn’t near being overweight). I was a zen like child and took it with grace. I accepted it as helpful criticism, and kept it in mind. My entire teenage life was changed from that one sentence.

I began looking in the mirror a LOT. My mother thought I was vain and thought that I knew I was pretty. I did not. To her, I guess my beauty was obvious! I told her that I looked into the mirror in that manner to make sure I looked alright. ..Because I felt that it was somehow letting the people around me down to look less than what I deemed acceptable. I wanted to be like a model; a goddess. Like in the commercials!! I got the feeling that that was unrealistic and unnattainable for me, at least, and that to me, just meant that I wasn’t very great like all those models (whom I bet my Grandma wouldn’t think were “thick.”, they were like rails, so I was sure..) Cut another notch on my self esteem. A few more years went by before I ever told my Mom something like “I’m fat.” At first she just looked at me and laughed. I’m pretty sure, that she thought I was only saying it because I had heard her saying it practically all my life, and she thought I was trying to “act like an adult” (She’s always said things like “My daughter is a teenager at 11 years old!”, “She’s always acted grown”) Nevertheless, after the initial laughter she rethought and said “No Dizzy Butt, You’re Perfect.” I figured she was wrong so I said something to the affect of “No, I have this spare tire here, and my thighs are huge.” She seemed to get a little bit defensive when she told me “That’s normal! You have to have SOMEthing!” I happened to have been standing in front of her vanity mirror.
No matter how I argued that I was getting hefty, she combated every protest, and fought it with truth. Then she wanted to know what was starting this whole issue. I told her what Grandma had said years prior, and she got a very disappointed look on her face. She told me that she was sure my grandmother had been joking. To this day, I doubt it.. But I don’t fault Grandma, she was affected by the media.
I am very, tremendously, and super happy that we had that talk. Because I was on the verge of either anorexia or bulimia. I hadn’t yet decided, but thought that I was going to have to, in order to reach my near unreachable weight goals. I knew that I loved food, and didn’t mind vomiting because it meant strong ab muscles.
It took only a couple reminders after that to remind me that I was perfect. I would forget and start saying I was fat again, and with a sad face, all my Mom would say was: ” *sigh* You’re perfect.”

This goes to show that you can combat every commercial that tells your children (boys too!) that they are worthless as is. Every media driven well meaning person who has to open their mouth to “help” your children. Everything. You can prove to them what real people look like, and that those ads aren’t real people, and empower your babies to enjoy themselves and celebrate their life filled bodies!
And… Please. Please! Don’t call your children vain when they are looking in the mirror playing with their hair or whatever. They just need the “what real people look like talk”

Accepting my NEW “mother” body (Lizz)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 10 Comments

This is my Labor Story and I would like to share it.
My EDD was Nov. 23rd, 2009

Nov 24th, 2009 I went in at 8AM for a regular check up.
Dr. Wong stripped my membranes and 5 minutes later I started cramping.
I told her about how I have been itchy for a few weeks, and she seemed concerned and told me to go head to L&D for an Induction.

I went home took a shower and grabbed my bags and headed to L&D. They gave me a room, and hooked me up. We found out I was already having contractions 3-5 minutes apart. They kept asking me if I wanted the epidural, and I told them NO, I dont need it. I was there all day.

Around 7PM I was dilated at around 4cm. So the doctor gave me the epidural so I can rest at night, and he also broke my water after. All night I was up, I was so excited to meet Sofia. But During the night I started getting a fever and shaking. I had caught an infection, due to breaking my water early and not progressing fast enough.

Around 3AM I was at 7cm. Around 5AM I was at around 9cm. And then again at 7AM, still at 9cm.
And thats when the doctor said if we dont go anywhere within the next hour or so, we might have to do an emergency c-section. 8 AM still at 9cm. Doctor called for an emergency c-section due to the infection that can get to Sofia.

They got everything ready, numb my body….and made me take a shot of some weird nasty stuff =(.
I’m in the O.R shaking still, feeling cold.

My husband got to come in the room and so they began. While working with my body, I started feeling sick and puked =(. Moments later Doctors told hubby to get ready and meet little Miss Sofia Roxanne.

And his eyes watered, thats when I knew how much he loves us both.
Welcome Miss Sofia Roxanne On November 25th,2009 at 0908AM, 7lbs 4oz and 19.5 inches.

~Your Age: 19
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 months old

A letter to my body 1 yr PP (Emily)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Reader's Favorite, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Uncategorized, Update 18 Comments

Age: 23
1 pregnancy, son is 12 months old, 1 yr PP

Dear body,
Thank you for all that you have given me and others. I am sorry for what I used to think of you, I was wrong you are beautiful. I promise to never be ashamed of my body anymore. I promise to love this body and treat it with respect for the rest of my life. I promise to be PROUD of my belly, my breasts, my scars. I created and brought a life into this world and so far have nourished that life with only my body. I am too insignificant to realize the gift god gave me by making me a woman. I am a creator of life and beauty, I do not have to look like a bikini model to be happy. I am a mother, like the earth with hills and valleys. I love you body!!!!