Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

One of the “lucky ones” (Lxnn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo 9 Comments

age 28
one pregnancy one birth
my son is now 2 ½ years old

I say “lucky” because in reality I do not have many stretch marks and the ones I do have are light. I have returned to my pre-pregnacy weight but that does not mean I am at my pre-pregnacy shape. I gained 70 pounds during my pregnancy. Watching your body go through such a transformation in it self, no matter what you end up looking like down to road, is something to deal with. I never wanted a kid. I didn’t even like being around children. I was one of those people who scoffed at all the people who go around saying ‘children are a blessings in disguise.’ ‘its different when it is your own child.’ When I found out that I was pregnant my first thought was to have an abortion. I am a naturalist and there for went to a herb store and asked about herbal abortions. Of course they were out of the herb and would not have it for three days. By the time I made it home (actuality by the time I asked about herbal abortion) I knew that I would not be able to go through with that choice. I knew that there was only one option that I would be able to see to the end. To have the child and raise it. The father and I were not together, we were not even talking. He was trying to get sober but relapse, bad, and was now a junkie. So I was pregnant and had no idea if the father was even going to be alive when I gave birth or how I was going to pay my bills. So I was not only dealing with the mental mind fuck but also the physical changes. I think I did well considering! When I gave birth to my son and they laid him on my stomach everything changed, I changed. The father had gotten sober 2-3 months before I gave birth and is still sober today. He also changed. My son was a catalyst for amazing growth in my self and his father. His father and I are still not together but we have stubbornly gotten to a point where we are friends. I know this should be more about the physical shape of a mother but the mental shape is what I had the most difficulty with. I am a single working mom. I have felt the person I was disappear. I am either working or being a mom there is no time to be me. Or so I thought/felt. Every article, book, magazine, what have you I have read has been written from the perspective that you have a significant other. Because of this I stopped reading a long time ago.

Today I am able to see the beauty and strive for balance. I do my best to balance work, time with my son and time for myself. The mommy identity is the biggest part of my life but not the only part. I’ve never been one to stay down long and my son is so amazing that down is not even an option! He amazes me every day and the love I feel for him amazes me every minute. If I get a glimpse of the stretch marks or my mommy pouch it is just a reminder of the little person that I created. In my son’s eyes I am perfect! At least until he is a teenager! I have discovered that when I am able to stay present in the moment when with my son, I am happy. He has been and will always continue to be worth every sacrifice.

And I still have a nice ass!!

The Day After (Maddy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 3 Comments

This is a photo of the day after I had my daughter, Abby. My husband took the photo to show me how much my belly had shrunken so quickly, and at the time, I was so pleased that I was so much smaller than I was before. A few months later, I looked at this photo and was appalled at how giant I still was. But now I see it as a badge of honour, that I was still going through so much to bring my baby girl into this world. I am happy now when I see this photo, because what it represents to me now is my new attitude about my post-baby body, but it took me a long while to get there. I’m hoping that by sharing it, others will be prepared to still be a little inflated and see that as the (small) price you pay to gain so much.

~Your Age: 31
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 months

062810-maddy-1

Young Mom of 2 (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

i am 22. my husband an i were blessed with two amazing little men. i went into labor naturally at midnight on both of their due dates. my first was born at 1:48 pm. 7 pounds 10 ounces 19 and a half inches long perfectly healthy. he surprised us pretty good. they told me at 18 weeks pregnant with him that he was a girl. after about 12 hours of labor i pushed him out in about 10 minuets and they put him on my chest and i was the first to see that he was a boy! when our son was 4 months old i told my husband that i wanted another. my doctor told me that it will take about 4 months for my body to recover. so at 4 months pp we started trying for another. lucky us it didn’t even take a month and i was pregnant again. this time at 18 weeks i was told i was having another boy. this time they were right and after about 7 hours of labor and 5 minuets of pushing we had another healthy baby boy 7 pounds 10 ounces 20 inches long. i had an epidural with both of my births. i had a episiotomy with my first and honestly the doctor sewing that up after my son was born in the worst memory and pain that i remember from both births. with my second i tore but the doctor numbed me and i couldn’t feel anything. i have never really liked my body but seeing what it has done i have grown to love it and all of its imperfections and wrinkles. i only nursed my first son a few times (something i regret but cant change now) and i nursed his little brother till he was 16 months old he never had a drop of formula. i am almost to my pre preg. weight. but my body has changed so much. i know it sounds silly but i am thankful for my stretch marks when i feel them or see them i just think about how much i love my babies. kind of like a tattoo but saggy wrinkly skin instead. they will be 2 in september and 3 in july and i couldn’t be any happier. we are done reproducing and i am doing my best to make sure my sons grow up to be great men.

1st picture my belly now
2nd picture is my belly the day before my 2nd son came into the world.
3rd picture is a few days before the birth of my first son

5 week PP, hating my body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Teen Mom 8 Comments

Pre-pregnancy weight: 169
Labor Weight: 210
Weight now: 200

I have been struggling with my weight since I was a kid. I was 240 in my sophmore year of high school and just last year I got down to my weight of 157. I wasn’t too happy there, but I was content and felt like I looked great. I met my husband and I gained love pounds. So when I got pregnant I was 169. I lost 20 pounds my first and second trimesters, and then gained it all back when I got to my third. I got a beautiful baby girl now, but now it just looks like I never even had a baby. I just look plain old fat. I’m having the toughest time getting back on a healthy diet and exercise plan. My husband says I’m still attractive to him, but I just hate myself and how I look. I know I have a beautiful baby girl that makes it all worth it, but I can’t help to hate myself for it.

First 3 pictures are of me 5 week PP and my last picture is of me pre-pregnancy

~Age: 19
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1/1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 week PP

Behind Enemy Lines (SMS)

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Age 30
1st pregnancy, 1 year postpartum

My body has always been the enemy. This shape which outlines the whole of who I am, encapsulating the parts of me both seen and unseen. Somehow, with time and age, it had come to represent me, a personal definition of who I am, carefully crafted for the world to see. The “me” that existed behind the lines of my body was lost in my attempts to measure up to a cultural ideal.

Before my daughter, I was constantly at war with my body. It never did what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted. Having internalized so many of the messages my culture had fed me, I never felt thin enough, shapely enough, sculpted enough. I starved myself for years on end, adopting strange diets in the name of being healthy, and obsessed that it was never enough. It seemed, my body was always bound to fail me. Years of my life were spend battling body dysmorphic disorder – no matter what I did, it was never enough.

When we decided we were ready to have a baby, my body failed me again. The first few months passed. Then a year. Then another year. My body was failing me on a whole new level. Not only did it fail to measure up to some abstract standard of beauty, but apparently its functionality was also impaired. I spent nights lamenting over a loss of my future family, tears wasted after our Re told us it wouldn’t happen on our own. In the war between me and my body, my body was winning.

Shortly before the three year mark of trying to conceive, we finally did just that. And as my body began to change, so did I. For the first time in my, my body had a purpose. It had a purpose greater than myself. In the first three months I gained 20lbs, and I stopped getting on the scale. My best guess is I gained at least 45lbs during my pregnancy, but that was just a number. I felt free. Free to exist as I was, as a woman bringing life into this world. My growing curves stood as testament to the amazing thing happening inside my body and the only standard of comparison was in my heart.

My daughter was born a mere 5lb 10oz. Complications at the pregnancy caused her to stop getting adequate nutrition – one last attempt from my body to fight my new empowerment. But my daughter was strong and healthy. And next week my tiny peanut will be turning a year old. My body shows the proud signs of mommyhood. A handful of stretchmarks adorn my tummy and thighs, my hips are ample, my breasts have nourished my daughter for these nearly twelve months and they show it, and I’m still carrying some baby weight around because my life is too busy chasing my daughter around to obsess all that much. I still won’t get on a scale. This is not the same body I had a few years ago. This body is better. And I am not the same woman I was a few years ago. I am stronger.

Some days are rougher than others. Some days the drive to perfection revs up again. Then I look at my daughter, and I marvel at how this body could do something so amazing. And I remind myself that how my daughter will look at herself starts with how I look at myself. I never want my daughter to fight with her own body, because she is beautiful and incredible as she is. I have learned that one of the best ways to love my daughter is to also love myself.

Who will you be? (Lauren)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Poetry, Submissions 1 Comment

I am not a mother but I think about that day so often…who she (or he) will be, how I will feel, etc. This simple poem is a reflection of those thoughts.

Who will you be?

Who will you be? Will you be like me?

Will you live in a castle or climb through the trees?

Who will you be?

Will you stand on the ground? Or dream wistful fancies, your head in the clouds?

Who will you be? Will you be like me?

Bold as the drumfire or quiet and meek?

Who will you be?

Will you drive a car? Ride on two wheels or walk very far?

Who will you be? Will you be like me?

Will you sleep on the sand or play in the sea?

Who will you be?

Will you wear a suit? Will you paint skyscapes with brushes or delight in the flute?

Who will you be? Will you be like me?

Stretch like the sunrise or be gentle and wee?

Who will you be?

Will you be gaffe defined? Or relish in quiet and whisper in kind?

Who will you be? Will you be like me?

Brown eyes or blue eyes…or a gingered green?

Who will you be? Will you be like me?

Will you march with the legions or run wild and free?

Who will you be like?

You will be like you.

A magnificant riddle…

The best of us two.

Coming to terms… (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

Age: 30
Births: 2
Kids: age 2 and 4

I remember seeing pregnant woman and thinking how perfect, sexy, gorgeous, powerful and voluptuous they are. Pure WOMAN. I was in awe.

I was even excited to be that perfectly sexy gorgeous powerful voluptuous WOMAN when I became pregnant with my first child…until the weight came. I had never had body image problems and even fought against the idea of someone else’s Ideal Body Image through writing for young girls and in day-to-day life… but suddenly I wasn’t that beautiful pregnant lady, I was fat. My face was fat. Back fat? Where the hell did you come from? Hot and sweaty, out of breath… I was never one to stare at myself in the mirror, I looked, but not obsessively or really put much thought into it, no shmutz on my face, shirt’s not inside out, etc., but now? I can’t even see myself. Pieces, a face I don’t recognize, an arm or that not so perfect belly, knees, only parts but could never see the whole. In fact I mostly avoid the mirror all together except on the strange occasion I stare and try, really try to see me. I can’t.

One afternoon walking back to a Cat Power show from the bathroom I looked up and nearly run into this goddess of a woman -long thick black hair, creamy hazelnut skin, clothing hanging perfectly, seductively off her curves, dark gorgeous eyes staring directly at… me. “You are the most beautiful pregnant woman I have ever seen” she says, “You’re glowing brighter than the sun.”

“Th-th-thank you” I manage to stammer and looking into her eyes I remember seeing that beauty in other women and for the first time I feel like a perfectly sexy gorgeous powerful voluptuous WOMAN.

My second child is nearly two and though I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight I take a shower and wonder why I still can’t see my pubic hair without really sucking it in… Which I do a lot of, and wear long shirts, and feel self-conscience when I wear an Ergo and my gut hangs over the waist strap.

The other day my two daughters and I were wrestling in bed. Lying on my back I read the Braille story my deep stretched skin marks told and squishing and squeezing my belly I say “isn’t it beautiful” and both girls nodded immediately with huge smiles. The one year old kisses and hugs my flabby stomach.

What perfectly amazing work this body has done, and beautiful stories it tells. What sexy curves it has and how gorgeously proportioned it is. How powerful I am carrying two children to term and birthing them at home, naturally. This voluptuous woman I see in the mirror is breathtaking.

062210-anon-1

Still Working At It – Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 12 Comments

Original entry here.

Age 21
1 child, 10 months postpartum

It feels like forever since I posted my last entry here, even though it has only been nine months! I must admit that I’m not feeling nearly as confident now as I did at a month postpartum, I guess because the adrenaline of giving birth has finally worn off. I am still working hard to feel good about myself and get my body back into a shape that I feel comfortable with.

The day I brought my little lovely home I weighed 149lbs. I’m now at 125. I have been walking a couple miles everyday and doing a half hour workout on the Fit channel (most days, anyway!) I am still exclusively breastfeeding my daughter and it has most definitely helped me lose the weight. Although it is important to me to feel fit and sexy again, rather than just “being skinny” it is my ultimate goal to create for myself a positive body image no matter what I look like! How can I teach my daughter to love herself if I don’t love me? Despite the title of my last entry, I don’t. And I really want to. So I’m just going to keep working at it. My boobs are saggy from feeding my baby, my hips are widened from carrying her, my butt is completely flat for reasons unbeknownst to me, and I could list a million other things if I cared to….but I am beautiful.

These pictures were taken yesterday and I feel pretty good about them. It was my first time back in a bikini!

Any confidence I had (which was minimal) is GONE! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 17 Comments

I have always had insecurities about my body, which eventually led to an eating disorder. I got down to almost 85 lbs (I am 5′ 3″). Fortunately, I was able to stop. I slowly gained weight back, and wasn’t exactly happy, but I dealt with it and had the support of my husband. Then, I got pregnant. I knew I would gain weight but never realized the toll that pregnancy would have on my body. I gained about 50 lbs and had to have a c-section due to arrested dilation. My baby was put under the bili-lights for the first week of life and therefore could not breastfeed. She got too used to the bottle and I have ended up bottle-feeding her. So, I was stuck with this extra weight to lose without the aid of breastfeeding. So, here I am now, 3 months postpartum, with saggy breasts, HORRIBLE stretch marks, and so much extra weight it is not even funny. I am only 21 but am already past my prime. It’s a really sad realization and I am trying to accept it. I’m having trouble with the eating disorder now too. I feel so out of control. And my husband is gone due to the military. It’s hard. But my baby girl is the light of my life now. Pray for me please :)

P.S. The last picture is of me before I got pregnant, just in case you couldn’t tell the difference ;D

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 live birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months postpartum

Belly Flop (Jill)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

Back for round three! I figured I’d submit one each postpartum “trimester.” Well, my little man will be one way too soon, this has been the fastest year of my life. We’re planning a birthday party, gearing up for summer, and enjoying every minute of it. Here are my most recent pics at 10 1/2 months postpartum. I still hate my stretch marks more than anything. :( Plus, the texture of my tummy skin is less than desirable but whatever. Thank goodness for modesty! I’d be covered even if I didn’t need to be:) Happy summer to all you mama’s!

Updated here.