Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Wow, Our Bodies Go Through a Lot! (Rhianna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

age:23
Births: 1 daughter now age 3 via c-section

I went through alot before I was pregnant. I was using drugs, drinking,smoking, and had 8 years of history dealing with Anorexia/Bulemia to a very full extent. When I got pregnant I quit them all cold turkey. Started out 110lbs give or take… and on teh day I delivered consequently I weighed 236 lbs.. from no metabolic rate left.. awent through alot of depression and the worst fatigue of my life… and CRYING.. and panic atatcks from crazy hormones and the works haha… trust me.. thought things would never get better.. but my daughter kept me laughing at myself all along the way.. I mean honestly teh irony of starvign myself half to death for 8 years just to gain over 100 lbs in the end was a little amusing ( much later on ) and good times and getting though. Just knowing I had to love myself for her to love in her life without bounderies.
Anywase It’s 3 years later.. have been down a long hard road, have gone through a marriage, a divorce, loosing 115lbs…. yada yada.. still have my shelf tucked under my underwear line. lol. but I don’t even care anymore… why becuase I donno who can shove out 10 grand for a dang tummy tuck, well it aint me for sure. Im now a single mom. Through everything I have not touched drugs again. My eating disorder is currently at bay, and is not how I lost my weight. Im dating again, loving my life with my daughter. I knwo she was always the bigger picture. I would do it all over again in a heart beat to make sure that heart beat made it here.. just as I know all you mommies woudl too right! Becuase we are seriously strong as women aren’t we? I am so proud to have a daughter.. and now i wear my c-section as my battle wound proud :)

082410-rhianna-1

This body made one gorgeous little boy.. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 5 Comments

I am 21 years old, and married to my wonderful husband who is in the Navy. We have known each other since I was a little girl, and we started dating when I was about 17. When I was 19 I moved down to Virginia Beach with him where he was stationed. A few months later we got engaged and then he got new orders to San Diego, and we found out he would be deploying as soon as he got there. We then made the decision to tie the knot before he left, because in the military you just never know what will happen. He deployed and came home 7 months later, and about 4 months after he was back I found out I was pregnant. We weren’t trying and I was still taking birth control so it was just an “oops”. It was the best oops of our lives though! I had a great pregnancy until the last week in which I kept having contractions. I would go to the hospital (navy) and they would tell me I wasn’t in labor. That whole week I dilated to 3 1/2 cm, and kept having contractions and went to the hospital 3 times but I “wasn’t in labor”. One day I was sitting on the couch at home and my water broke, well I “was in labor” lol. So, we went to the hospital and after they broke the rest of my water I had our son 4 hours later. I knew what my body was doing and it just angered me to be told that I didn’t know what I was talking about because it was my first pregnancy. Our son came and our lives changed!

My husband is now deployed again and will not see us again until our son is about 16 months old (he is 11 months now), so we are anxiously awaiting daddys return! I have my good days and bad days with my body. I have worked VERY hard to get my body to where it is, and get very offended by people who say to me that I just have good genes. That is not true at all because I have horrible genes, my whole family is overweight. I make time for myself to go to the gym, and I am very thankful that I have the means to do so. Just like every other woman I have my insecurities. I have stretch marks on my love handles, thighs, and hips that are so a horrible texture. My boobs are a bit saggy, and my nipples are a weird texture after breastfeeding for 3 months. Every woman has her own insecurities, and I think it is offensive to anyone to be told that their insecurity is stupid (which I am told a lot). I am thankful for this site, because it always lets you know you are not alone :). I am proud of where I am and so incredibly happy to be the mother of our wonderful little boy!

First pregnancy/birth
11 months postpartum

Not sure if I’ll ever be satisfied with my body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 21 Comments

Age: 22
1 pregnancy/1 birth
almost 4 months postpartum

I had always been thin and I took pride in being in shape and attractive. My weight was fluctuating in 2009- from 112 lbs in January to about 130 lbs in July (the heaviest I had ever been). I saw the “+” on a pregnancy test 2 days after my 21st birthday.

My self-esteem was never that great and the pregnancy didn’t help. I looked in the mirror and was embarrassed by what I saw: the new larger breasts, the belly button that popped out, the belly piercing that was stretching as days went on. Looking back, I’m saddened that I didn’t feel as beautiful as I was. I was glowing and I only gained 22 lbs total. I didn’t have one stretch mark.

I gave birth to my son in April of this year. My breasts grew outrageously when my milk came in and while I tried my best to breastfeed, I couldn’t do it for several reasons. Pre-pregnancy, I wore a size 34B bra which turned into a 36C while breastfeeding. After my milk dried up, my breasts were left deflated. I can now fit into my old 34B bras, though the band is a little snug, but my boobs slope down when they used to be “perky” and round. I can’t stand to look at them at all and I hide them from my boyfriend at all costs.

I currently weigh 135 lbs and wear a size 6 (I was a 2 or 4 pre-pregnancy), but my entire body is so different. I feel so detached from it sometimes, like this isn’t really my body. Somewhere inside of me I was expecting to lose the weight and look the same as I did pre-pregnancy, but now I’m seeing that that’s not possible.

Right after I had our son, I asked my boyfriend if he was still attracted to me even though my body was different. I told him I was scared that he was going to leave me for a girl who was in better shape than me. He responded with “I’m in love with a beautiful woman, why would I want to leave her for some girl?”. It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me. My boyfriend tells me I’m beautiful every day and I am so lucky to have found a man who appreciates my body and loves me the way I am. It’s hard for me to accept his compliments and kind words because I don’t see anything attractive about my body anymore. My desire for sex has dwindled even though his has remained the same.

I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and see beauty and strength. I wish I could be in awe. Instead, I am jealous of the other girls my age who have flat, tanned stomachs and are wearing string bikinis at the beach. I hope someday I can accept and appreciate this body for all of the miraculous things it did to give life to my son.

Story of a Teen Mother (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 5 Comments

Your Age: 19
Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies 1 birth.
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years postpartum

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant,I was scared and did not know what to do. My boyfriend was very supportive and together we decided to keep our baby. My dad was always working, my mother did not live with us at the time and my siblings were always so busy with their lives that somehow I managed to get by my first 6 months of pregnancy before they even suspected anything. I finally decided to let my father know that I was 6 months pregnant with a baby boy and that I had decided to keep him.He was surprised but overall very supportive of my decision. After telling my father I let everyone else know what was going on. My mother and sisters were very upset with me and my decision but they got over it quickly. They all tried to make my last few months of pregnancy pleasant.Then on a warm day in June my son was born , he changed our lives for the best.He is a joy and just what we needed in our family.Having him at a young age wasnt easy for us at all: money was always and issue and we had to give up our teenage lives and grow up fast. Unfortunatley I carelessly became pregnant twice after having our son. We decided we both werent ready for any more children and decided to have an abortion.We have learned from our past and make sure we do not get pregnant again.I have been using Nuvaring for 2 years now. I have since then graduated High School I plan on going to college in Fall, My boyfriend is in college and a year shy of getting his associates degree. and yes we are still together and do not plan to have any more children any time soon. I hope my story isnt to badly written and that it makes some sense & please ask questions or comment if youd like.

The Shape of a Great-Grandmother (Dora, interviewed by Holly)

Bonnie (SOAM) 20+ Years Postpartum, Cesarean, Grandmother or Great-Grandmother, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 42 Comments

Dora
Age: 90
Number of Pregnancies: 2
Children: DD1 – 71; DD2 – died at 64 years old. (would be 69 today)

Saturday morning. Bath day. Clothes gently stripped and placed aside, laundry for another day. I grip her elbow and guide her slowly into the shower, and onto her seat. And for the first time I truly see the woman before me. She is old, to be sure. But she also has young eyes. She sees everything fresh, grasping memories alongside fresh experiences, comparing, contrasting, learning, teaching.

Today she is teaching me about the wonders of the human body. She doesn’t know that she is doing this, but I learn much as I slowly cover her in soft and gentle suds. Her skin is papery, almost feathery. It lies in folds everywhere, on her arms and legs, her back, belly, breasts, neck. She is like the baggy little puppy, except she won’t be growing into her skin.

I notice two light lines tracing from her belly button to her pubic bone. I ask after them in passing, trying to make conversation during an experience that could be awkward if we let it become that. She points to each in passing, and tells me their stories. The one most left gave her a daughter, her second, born after a long and difficult pregnancy. She couldn’t tell me what was wrong with her by name, but by symptom it sounds like pre-eclempsia. She remembers a nurse caressing her brow and telling her that when she woke she’d have a baby. She tells me of waking up three days later, to pain in her breasts and pain in her belly, and staring at its deflated state and wondering wildly where her baby could be.

She was brought her baby, a pink little sprite asleep and swaddled in blankets. She wouldn’t take the breast, and so the doctor gave Dora medicine to stop the flow of milk. Not even a few days to try. Just emptiness.

She stares into space a moment, lost in reflection over her youngest daughter’s life and death. I continue to soap and scrub, wash and rinse, and watch her closely. After a moment, she surfaces again and tries to resume conversation. Where were we? Oh, yes. That scar, she points matter-of-factly at the scar on the right side. From a surgery a decade after her daughter’s birth, to remove scar tissue from the c-section. A surgery that almost killed her. Too much anesthesia. She shudders a bit. This must be painful.

I change the subject to save her from further reflections. How did she adjust to her body? Did she love her body? She waives the thoughts away. She’s never thought about it that much. It’s just a body. She feels old, she says. And before, when she was young, she wouldn’t look at her body. It wasn’t talked about, wasn’t proper. She kept her body covered, shown only to her husband, who she says loved her and her body fiercely. She smiles at that thought.

I tell her about the world today. Women having surgery to remove loose belly skin, tightening and “fixing” the marks that children give them. Trying to look perfect. Bah, she says. Would she have had that surgery to fix her loose belly? Maybe, she says. Maybe, but what good would it have done? She’d still be here now: An old woman, saggy, wrinkled, and no longer new of body. Although, she doesn’t see what I see. A woman who is wise, surrounded by love and loss, strong for the inclusion of all of it, marked by a life well-lived, but at precious peace now because of that journey.

She smiles as I wrap her in a warm towel. Where were we? Oh yes, she says, I loved my babies and that’s all that mattered then, and all that matters now.

082010-dora-1

Finding the strength to keep moving forward (Brittany)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

Brittany, 23
1 pregancy, 1 birth
12 weeks postpartum

I have always been a plus sized girl and struggled with my weight. Finally i felt like I had my weight problem under control for the first time in my life i lost 70 lbs and felt great about my life and the direction it was going. I started going out more showing off my new body and loving the new attention I was getting as a single female. That is when I met Him, the man that turned my life upside down. When we started talking he had approached me at a bar, his smile was captivating and from the moment he approached me we were inseparable. I told him I wanted to take things slow and he agreed we didnt need to jump into anything too fast. But soon he told me he wanted us to be together, how we wanted to be with me for the rest of his life, how he wanted us to get married and be together forever. He made me feel special, he made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. As our relationship grew things just kept getting better he would take me out to dinner, to the movies, anywhere I wanted to go, I felt like I was in heaven. 2 months after we met I got pregnant, I was really excited even though we had only been together for a short period of time because we had so many plans for our future together. He told me he had 3 kids already and how much he loved his kids and all that he did for them. When I told him I was pregnant he was excited and told me how proud he was. He soon moved in with me so we could start our lives together. But things soon started to get rocky. He agreed to help pay the bills but every month he would come up with an excuse of how he had no money. I was struggling to pay everything on my own but figured we had just hit a hard spot in out relationship and things would get better.His attitude started to change to, he would come home from work mad and accuse me of cheating on him while he was gone. He started questioning if my unborn child was his and demanding a paternity test once my son was born. Then he started going out by himself more often and saying I couldn’t go because I was pregnant. First it was a few nights a week and gradually became and every night routine and wouldn’t come home till 3,4,5 in the morning. I was scared to go threw my pregnancy by myself and just prayed that he would change, but he didnt. Regularly starting to not come home at all for days. I thought maybe he would stop acting like this after the baby was born so I waited it out. I would come home from work and he would have already showered and left. And when I would see him he would accuse me of being with other men while he was gone. He stopped taking me out all together, and would get very angry if he did come home and I hadn’t cooked dinner for him. I soon started to gain ALOT of weight and by the end of my pregnancy I had gained every pound back that I had worked so hard to lose. I felt fat and worthless, my boyfriend stopped having sex with me, stopped taking me out, and left me alone all night. I felt it was my fault because I couldn’t control my eating habits. I stayed with him my entire pregnancy and supported him even though he treated me like crap, I wanted us to be a family so bad nothing else mattered. When my son was born he was there to witness my emergency c section, it was a beautiful moment to see my son for the first time especially after everything I had been through. My boyfriend looked so happy, tears were in his eyes as he smiled from ear to ear. I thought everything was going to be ok, but it wasnt. The night after my son was born I got an unexpected visitor from his other childrens mother, she told me they also had a new baby that was 2 months old. I couldnt beleive he had another woman pregant the whole time we were together and was so mad at him. My boyfriend left me in the hospital alone with our new baby and didnt come back till the day I was discharged. He took us home that day and left again for 2 more days. After all this I still felt scared to be without him and forgave him..again. He said things would change but they never did. Although he would come around every other day or so I was forced to take on the role of a single mother. It was hard and I was angry that he could just leave me and not care about his new baby. A few weeks later another woman contacted me via facebook, she too, said my boyfriend was the father of her one moth old daughter. I stared at pictures she had of my boyfriend and her holding this baby together. I confronted him and he denied that this was his child saying it was his friends baby and she was trying to set him up. I soon started finding out about all these women he was having “relationships” with. And found out that my baby is his 7th child and that I am one of 5 mothers to his children. He doesnt help support any of his children, nor does he make an effort to see any of them. once my son was born I couldn’t work or pay any bills and he left. I now live in a spare bedroom with my son at my mothers and finally found a new job I start next week. I start school again in the fall and going to rebuild my life for me and my son. I have lost 40 of the 68 lbs I gained so far and continue to live a healthy life style. I never knew my life would turn out the way it did but I stare at my beautiful son and know all the suffering I went through was worth it to have such a blessing in my life. I thank my ex for being a great “sperm donor”, and feel it is his loss. I am a great woman and my son is wonderful, one day my ex will realize all that he has lost, and the relationships he could have had with his children.

Finally, Confidence! (Autumn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

~Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: He’s 4, will be 5 years on September 22nd

I’ve posted here numerous times, my previous entries:

Autumn
Stretch Marked Legs
Happy With My Body
Breasts, Acceptance

This update is to show how my body has changed, yet again. I was married to my son’s father, not really a happy marriage and the depression that came with it caused me to gain weight unrelated to my son. This weight gain and weight loss (I am now divorcing his father and have lost 25 lbs.) caused my breasts to sag a little more, but my stretch marks have faded an amazing amount.

I have started seeing someone new. Yesterday, we were all together when my son called me by my first name. My boyfriend looks at me and says, “He calls you Autumn and you don’t mind?” I said to him, “It doesn’t bother me, I know I’m his mother. I have the scars to prove it!”

He replied, “And they’re good scars, too, baby.”

I have to say, I completely agree with him. I can finally say that I don’t think there’s a darn thing wrong with me. I have never felt more attractive and I’ve never been more confident in myself. I’ll take feeling like this over my perfect teenage body any day of the week!

Blessing In Disguise (Tiffany)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Triplets 19 Comments

Age: 28
1 pregnancy, 3 births
The babies are currently 18 months.

My husband and I had been trying for a year when we decided to seek help. Several tests later I’m fertile and his hormones suggest a pituitary tumor. A MRI concluded that he indeed had the tumor. Luckily we caught it early enough to be able to shrink it with medication. So no brain surgery was needed, thank God! He then went through a testicular biopsy and also started his medication. I started my daily injections of Gonal. A few months later I did IUI. I knew something was up a few weeks later when I woke up at 5am hungry beyond belief! I got out of bed and ate 5 Arby sandwiches in one sitting. Very unlike me. At 4’8 and 100 lbs I’ve always been a very light eater. A few weeks later I went back to the fertility doctor and learned that we were pregnant with triplets. I was so excited!!! However my doctor suggested that we talk to a selective reduction doctor since I am very small. I already knew what I wanted. I was going to keep all three babies. God gave me those three for a reason. He believed in me and I was going to carry out what he wanted for me. But I humored my doctor and saw the selective reduction doctor. He told me I would never be able to carry triplets with only being 4’8. He also thought two were identical and that their chances of surviving were very small. He suggested that I “eliminate” those two and keep the third. I walked out of that office and never looked back.

I never once had any problems throughout my pregnancy. I was still walking around shopping till the day I delivered. And the only reason I had to deliver at 33 weeks was because my dog stole my chocolate off the coffee table. My husband and I had been watching a movie when I had to take another potty break… probably my 100th time that night. LOL. I had been eating chocolate and left the remaining on the table. When I came back it was gone and I immediately knew what happened. I became enraged!!! I waddled out to the backyard where my dog was eating My chocolate and I took it back. Never mess with a pregnant woman’s food. Especially when she’s carrying multiples. I went back inside and threw it away. Of course I wasn’t going to eat it. But I wasn’t about to let that dog take my food. That was for me and my babies. I never got to get another piece. My blood pressure went through the roof. I started having visual disturbances, headaches, and nausea. I tried to get it back down by relaxing but nothing helped. So into the hospital I went.

On January 2, 2009 at 8:23 AM Noah Jacob was born. Then at 8:24 Dakota Rose was born. And my little peanut, Elijah Blue was born at 8:25 AM. Noah and Dakota weighed 4 lbs and Elijah weighed 3.1. Everyone was extremely healthy and came home the next month. And by the way, they were all fraternal unlike what the selective doctor originally thought.

I had gained 100 lbs topping the scales at 200 lbs. Breast feeding really helped to drop the weight. I was left with saggy skin. I made a Youtube video of it before I got my tummy tuck.

My plastic surgery was done in February. I’ve been working out hard ever since I got the ok from the doctor. I doubt that I’ll ever fit back into my size “0” jeans. As of now I’m 105 lbs and wear a size “1”. My hips definitely feel bigger and ache when I go from sitting to standing. I still have a bit of carpal tunnel, but it only bothers me from time to time. My body has changed so much since the triplets. It’s definitely not what it use to be. And losing weight is even harder now. But I wouldn’t change a thing. Not only did I get three, healthy, beautiful, babies… But we also caught my husband’s pituitary tumor in time thanks to the infertility. He took his meds and it went away that same year. He just went for his annual MRI and everything came back clear. Even though it was rough in the beginning it really did end Happily Ever After. Things are perfect. We are truly beyond happy… and I thank God every day for the life he has blessed me with.

Finding beauty in every imperfection (Jordan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

Age: 20
Number of pregnancies and births: 2,1
6.5 months pp

I’m going to start off by saying, this site is amazing, i absolutely love it and visit at least twice a week. I’ve posted once before at four months pp and here i go again. I am now six and a half months pp and am 10 lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight. It’s not really a goal for me anymore, i spend my time concentrating on my son, not my calorie intake and i’m kinda on the eat what i want diet. I guess I’ve always had kind of a high metabolism, i don’t gain a lot of weight, i just don’t lose any either :P

This summer i have been brave enough to wear my bikini (Yes, in public). I have stretch marks on my tummy, and i am not ashamed. I was somewhat unhappy with my “mother body” at first. Having the body of a teenager and seeing it change into the figure of a woman takes some getting used to. I see that i am still sexy, just in a different way. I wish that all of you would feel this way about your bodies. Appreciate your bodies, they gave you the greatest gift of all, the gift of giving life. So what you aren’t perfect. You will never be perfect, neither will I. Not because it isn’t possible. In our heads, we will all reach some sort of perfection. But simply because it doesn’t exist.

I am a stay at home mom, I love spending the day with my sweet boy but i wouldn’t mind getting a job. I miss it a little, even. I’m just a tad bit nervous about daycare.

Colin is a happy, healthy momma’s boy (daddy doesn’t spoil him as much as i do). He will be 7 months old in 2 weeks, i can’t believe it.. time flies. He weighs 24 lbs even and is 28 inches long. He is smart, and i couldn’t be more proud of him.. he is now saying “ma-ma” “ba-ba” and “hi”. He is sitting up all by himself and he loves sitting in his play pen playing with all his toys, his jumperoo and moving around the house in his walker.. We have been working on crawling, but no luck yet.. if you have any advice it would be much appreciated.

I am including a few photos, so all can see my wittle piggy and my bodys journey. Thanks to everyone who read, your all beautiful mama’s!

photos: 1) one year pre-preg 2) seven months preg 3) four days pp 4 & 5) five months pp 6) pretty recent 7) up close on boobs 8) up close on stomach 9) My handsome boy

Learning to Be Kind to Myself (Rebekah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breech Baby, Breech Birth, Child Loss, Homebirth, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 14 Comments

My age: 29
2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage, 1 birth
10 months postpartum

First I want to say thank you to all the brave women who have posted their stories and photos here. You have helped me to heal.

I also want to say to any women out there who are struggling right now: Your thoughts are powerful. I have brought myself to some dark places with negative thoughts. But you can choose to be kind to
yourself!

Here are some of the negative thoughts I have had (maybe you can relate):

I am ashamed of my body’s ugliness. I compare myself to other women who are more beautiful than me, who were lucky to have better genes. I grew up being told, as if I needed reminding, that I was not a “real
woman,” that I had scrawny legs, no hips, no butt. Pregnancy did not improve my body. I gained an embarrassing amount of weight and since having my baby I’ve worked hard to lose it all. But now I am covered in stretch marks and flab, and left with a belly more grotesque than I ever could have imagined. I had no idea all this would happen to me just from having a baby.

I gained more than 60 pounds in my pregnancy because I wasn’t careful. I was lazy. I over-ate. I was stupid and now I’m paying for it. My wrinkled belly is mushy, like an empty bag. Its texture is like a
wrinkled, doughy brain. It’s alien; it’s disgusting. It’s the belly of an old decrepit woman. My belly button was once cute; now it’s a deep, droopy hole. My breasts are pendulous—they hang down like tube
socks full of sand. They are asymmetrical, unattractive, saggy, and covered in blue veins. They’re not supposed to lie down on my stomach like this.

Why didn’t I appreciate the smooth belly and perky breasts when I still had them? Why couldn’t I have been one of the lucky ones who got to keep their youthful bodies? It is so unfair and I am so angry!

What the hell has happened to me? My body is disfigured, destroyed, no longer youthful, no longer sexy. I feel so sorry that I’m not desirable for my husband anymore, because he deserves better. I know he doesn’t feel the same passion for me anymore, and why would he?

I will need to hide my belly for the rest of my life now, under long shirts. I don’t want anyone to see me because I know I’m not normal. Nobody else I have ever seen in my life has a belly like this! It’s
not just a few little stretch marks—my skin hangs in big loose wrinkles—my skin is DESTROYED. Nothing I do short of surgery can fix it. As if the loose skin isn’t bad enough, my butt, hips, and thighs are covered in scars—stretch marks so deep they have left deep grooves in my once-smooth skin.

I would like to wear a bikini proudly but I’m afraid that people will stare and wonder what’s wrong with my belly, give me pitying looks, suggest a tummy tuck. Other women will secretly take pleasure in my
disfigurement because it places me below them. Men will look at me with interest until they get close enough to see the details, and then they will be horrified and turned off.

I look fine with clothes on, with a bra holding my breasts up where they’re supposed to be, with clothing covering all the wrinkles, and I feel like a walking lie. Other women compliment me on losing the baby
weight, and tell me they’re jealous of my figure. I accept the compliments and feel like a fake. I purposely project an air of confidence but it’s all fake, fake, fake. What would everyone think if they saw me naked? Any man who saw me naked would be disgusted. Why would any man, my husband included, choose to look at ME when there are so many perfect women to look at? I am a has-been, not even 30 yet and past my prime. I no longer matter and I am so ashamed, so depressed.

And HERE is me choosing to be kind to myself:

I am a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN! I am petite, but with a curvy and feminine shape. I am healthy, sexy, voluptuous, lush, long, limber, strong, soft, admired and even envied for my lovely body.

When I was pregnant my body did exactly what it needed to do, in its innate wisdom. I was a good mother from the start, and I took good care of my baby and myself while I was pregnant. I walked and did yoga. I spent so many hours reading and researching. I carefully planned my meals to make sure my baby got the nutrients he needed. I didn’t do anything wrong. I suffered through great discomfort with grace.

I celebrate my beautiful belly, my womb, and what it has done. I gave birth to my strong and healthy son, breech, at home, with a 7-hour labor, only 30 minutes of pushing and no tearing—that is a feat to be proud of! My body has everything it needs to bring new life into the world—to nurture a tiny cluster of cells and help it grow into a fetus, into a happy little boy, into a new PERSON in this world! That in itself is mind-boggling. I have given birth to a child. I have been a vessel for NEW LIFE. I am directly in tune with all the creative forces of the universe. My feminine abilities are pure, raw, and intense. I am creative energy in action! I am in awe of my womanhood and my body. I am so BLESSED to have been born female.

My belly is normal. There are many different types of postpartum bellies, and many other beautiful mothers have similar soft layers and networks of wrinkles. The skin of my belly is delicate, velvety and interesting. I am happy to bear the marks of motherhood (and such unique and fascinating marks at that!) The stretch marks on my thighs, butt, hips, breasts and belly are starting to fade to silver. They are gorgeous tiger stripes. The grooves of the deeper ones create a sexy texture on my thighs, like built-in fishnet stockings.
They’re cool!

My breasts are full and sensual with a pleasant weight to them. They make sweet, nutritious milk for my baby. He drank nothing but the milk from my breasts for 6 months and it made him grow big, strong and
healthy. At 10 months old, he still gets most of his nutrition from my milk, which keeps him happy and secure. My breasts are a source of delight, comfort and nourishment.

My husband is not bothered a bit by the changes to my body. He still finds me as irresistible as ever, and more importantly, I am the mother of his child. He now views me with a new kind of pride, love and respect. He sees me as a beacon of strength. I am his lady, his rock.

It is wonderful to be alive. It is wonderful to experience the gift of motherhood, and I am blown away with gratitude for my life and my family. I am capable of a love that transcends words. I am capable of far more than I realize. My body is beautiful, but my spirit is even more beautiful, and it shines through. I am beautiful!

I have been through a lot of changes, and feelings of loss and self-doubt are to be expected. They are a normal and healthy part of new motherhood. I am allowed to feel them in passing, but I will not let them rule me. I can choose a positive attitude.

I am only 10 months postpartum and the transformation my body has undergone, from small to gigantic to small again, is nothing short of incredible. My body, even now, is still changing. I must be patient and gentle with myself. I choose to respect my body and take good care of it. My many hours of hard work exercising and eating healthful foods are paying off. My healthy glow is apparent to all who see me. I choose to give myself and my body the same unconditional love and reverence I give to my beautiful son as I watch him grow.

And I may have to work up to it, but I KNOW in time I will have the courage and confidence within me to rock that bikini, in public, in the full light of day. Other people and their twisted cultural standards be damned!

Pictures 1-3 are my beautiful, pre-baby body. Picture 4 is my beautiful 37-week pregnant belly, full of life. 5-7 are my beautiful wrinkly belly, beautiful droopy breasts, and beautifully tiger-striped hip at 10 months postpartum. 8-10 are me rocking my bikini! (This is in the privacy of my back yard, in front of only my husband. I have yet to show my belly in public but I will get there!) And pictures 11-12 are my son, at 2 months and 7 months.