Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

I Need Some Help (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 19 Comments

Previous entries here:
Missing My Baby Boy
5 Weeks PP
2.5 Months PP
6 Months PP
15 Month PP

I have posted on here 4 times already…and my last post was just a 1.5 months ago…but I need some help from you fellow Mamas…I feel so horrible about my body. I want to love it for giving me my boys, but I can’t. I cry about it all the time, and then I cry for crying about it because it gave me Connor and Liam. I just can’t help it. I feel so ugly…I don’t understand how my husband could find me attractive (I usually don’t even trust/listen to him when he tells me I am), I do not see a pretty girl at all. I see a fat, saggy, gross girl every time I look in the mirror. I know I am a good mother, I am just not a pretty mother. I hate my body so much that it is not healthy. If there is nudity in a movie I am watching with my husband I feel horrible, like he would want someone with a body like that instead of mine. I am fat, saggy, and stretched. I want to feel beautiful when I look in the mirror…I love my body for what it did…but not the way it looks. Please help…I exercise and eat healthy, and I am still gross…any exercise advice would be great…Sorry for the vent…I know there are worse things in life (trust me, I know) I just hate living like this…I want to feel pretty

Updated here.

My Striped Tiger Body (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 24 Comments

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1st pregnancy and 1 birth

Im 21 years old and i feel as tho my body is completely ruined and ill never fit into my old clothes or be happy with my body again. Let me start by saying that i love my daughter with all my heart and soul. Im happy that she has entered my life. No regrets! My pregnancy was normal i had gain alot of extra weight i didnt need. I was 135 pounds pre pregnancy i gained 72 pounds which put me at 210 and now im at 164. Im struggling with my self esstem and my appearance. I guess im a little vain when it comes to myself. But i feel as tho i look horrible. Im married and have been with my husband for 7 years, married for one. I feel like ill never be good enough for him again. That im not beautiful and i can never wear feel comfortable naked around him again.

I had started exercising, because i felt so bad about myself. I did it for about 2 months and found no results and stopped at 172 then finally i started eating less and not excerising which got me down to 164 where i am yet again stuck. I feel like no matter how many crunches i do the little pouch from my c-section will never go away not only that but my stomach looks like a tiger gashed me all around. Ive even considered a tummy tuck and laser stretch mark removal but who has the money for that?

It’s just so hard seeing these other girls my age with babies who are back down to 100 pounds within a month or the moms who look like they didnt even have kids. Why couldnt that be me? What am i doing wrong?

I get so stressed about how i look but then i look at my daughter and think its all worth it. She lights my day. But sometimes its hard to get past the thought of horrible i look under my shirt. Im 21 this is suppose to be the best my body is suppose to look, and it doesn’t. I feel like i cant even be beautiful until i accepted the fact that im not going to be like the super models or the perfect girls on the beach ( i live in Florida where everyone has the perfect beach body). I just want to be happy with myself and my body and ever since i gave birth i have felts nothing about negative thoughts about myself. I think it also has a huge impact on my relationship. Im always putting myself down around him and when we are getting intimate all i can think about is how gross my stomach looks or how fat i am. Which completely ruins the mood..i just dont feel good enough..

So i decided to post on this site because it looks like maybe you guys can give me thoughts opinions and maybe help me get through this time in my life. Id like to feel good things about me.

Skinny, fat and somewhere in between! (Bex)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 20 Comments

I have always struggled with weight, going from Anorexia to Bulimia or having both at the same time. Since I can remember I have hated my body, it has completely consumed my life and thoughts, it’s always been the wrong shape, too fat, my legs too bulky and muscly, my arms too flabby and fat, my tummy not tight enough, not enough bones showing etc… 2009 I married my gorgeous husband and didn’t want to be fat so I went from being a healthy 127 pounds (58kgs) to being 100 pounds (46kgs) on our wedding day. I have always so badly wanted a family and so we started trying to conceive right after our wedding in Oct 09 and we fell pregnant in april 2010. I gained 17 pounds (8kgs) in the first 12 weeks and was devestated, I gained a total of 37 pounds (17kgs), I couldn’t fit anything and went into maternity clothes at like 12 weeks because normal clothes hurt and didn’t fit right. For the first time in my life, I had cellulite… As much as I wanted the baby and was excited about the future, I hated my body everyday but I chose to eat normally because the baby was more important than my own need to be skinny. I didn’t want to harm her in anyway just because I needed to be skinny….

My pregnancy went on without issues until near the end around 34 weeks when the midwife thought bubs was too small so I had to go get growth scans every 2 weeks, but she was just a little baby, still growing! At 40 weeks, I had a tiny 34-35 week looking belly (thank god) but to me my arse was huge and my thighs were like big fat tree trunks. I couldn’t understand why my husband still said I was gorgeous because all I could see was this huge whale. I was torn between loving just my baby bump and what it meant and hating the rest of my body for being so fat and gross… especially my face! I avoided photos because I hated looking at them after…

My darling girl was born on 03/01/2011 at 6lb 8oz (2.95kgs, no wonder I had a little belly) through a natural, drug free waterbirth! Right away I started thinking about losing the baby weight… But I have an issue with my stupid left hip where I can’t walk properly and it really hurts! So I haven’t been able to exercsise which is killing me!!! I have lost half of the baby weight I gained so far, so hoping once my hip heals I will be able to start exercising and get the rest of this baby off!! I want to continue breastfeeding so am going to really monitor myself and make sure I eat enough to maintain my milk supply which is going to be so hard and take a lot of work on my part. I just don’t want to fall back into my eating disorder because I DO NOT want to pass it on to my perfect and precious little girl! She is the most important thing to me and my husband and deserves the best in life… not a mum who is consumed by her weight. I don’t want her to ever feel like I do, so now is the time to start changing. To start loving my body and appreciating myself.

I have just given birth, something that is amazing and empowering… My body is a representation of that, of what I have done in giving birth. that is to be celebrated, not punished! It’s a long road ahead for me… but my girl is worth enough for me to take it head on…

1st photo: Me at around 49kgs in 2009 (lost another 3kgs in the 2 weeks following this photo)
2nd photo: 40 weeks pg
3rd photo: my belly 3 weeks postpartum

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy and 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: postpartum 3 weeks

8 Months Post C-Section (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 18 Comments

I LOVE this website,, and all you wonderful mothers out there! This is my third submission. I had my first child May 2010 via unplanned C section. A wonderful, beautiful, healthy little girl! She brings so much joy to all that she comes into contact with,, ready with a huge grin for everyone! She makes me smile on my worst day,, and overflow with happiness with each kiss and hug. I have to say that I am so proud of the lovely woman who created this place of support and refuge. And I think that we all deserve to be supported, encouraged and welcomed. I tried keeping up a little diary/photo album of post pregnancy progress on my Facebook,, but got soooo much flak and discouragement that I stopped. Please NO ONE take this wrong,, but it seems that if you actually feel good about yourself and have been working hard on being healthy and getting strong and in shape,, that that is to not be recognized. Only judged with harsh words. Thats why I am so thankful for you all on here! I am working on becoming a certified health and fitness trainer and now teach classes at a Studio. I feel like I could be an encouragement to a lot of women. I am going on 32 and had my first child by c section less than a year ago, and am back to pre pregnancy weight and feel so energized and strong and blessed.I just want those out there who may be feeling down,, hopeless and who are probably being way too hard on themselves,, to know,, that even if it takes different ways or lengths of time, that you CAN feel like, and be a healthy, fit, strong, sexy MOTHER! We are all shaped differently and have different beautiful traits (and wonderful “flaws”) that make us unique. I just feel like sometimes some women have this stigma in their head that they aren’t supposed to want to feel vibrant and sexy after they become a mom, and that is so not true! I want to encourage you all to take pride and joy in what your bodies have accomplished in motherhood and to realize its your ONLY body, to love it , nourish it, strengthen it and when the time and place are right ,, flaunt it a little!! :) Have fun with motherhood and with being a woman! GOD Bless you all!

Photos are :
1.36 weeks
2. Seeing my gal for the first time
3. the day before I went into labor,, gettin a kiss from hubby
4. My babies first Thanksgiving!
5. 6 months post partum
6. Hubby, lil brother, me and baby girl on Christmas!

The Name’s Ashley (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 13 Comments

im 21 years old
5 months post partum with my first child

when I found out I was pregnant I was so extremely happy. being only 21 I was really nervous at first but I had a lot of positive people around me, and my boyfriend is one of them. he was definitely more ready than I was, on august 10th I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. weighing 8lbs. 4 oz, and 19 1/2 inches long, I ended up having a c-section cuz my pelvis was too small. at the beginning of my pregnancy I used bio oil regularly thinking it would stop me from getting stretch marks, obviously it didn’t. I have the worst wrinkled, saggy, stretched out skin. I try to stay positive becuz I got something so beautiful out of it, but I cant seem to constantly look in the mirror, and get upset. I cant help but think my boyfriend will leave me for someone with a better shape, I used to be so confident weighing 130 before I got pregnant I loved my body and my stomach, and I didn’t mind showing it off, now I hate getting dressed in front of anyone, I gained 56 pounds during pregnancy lost all of it except 10 pounds, I constantly do crunches 170 a day for about 3 months now, and have not seen a difference. I know a lot of people who have had babies, and none of them have a stomach like mine. so I was hoping to gets some advice from other mothers. will I ever get rid of this??? if anyone has any advice please let me know,

Beauty = Found! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 10 Comments

Age: 21
# of pregnancies: 1
Weight pre-pregnancy: 110 lbs.
Weight gained during pregnancy: 50 lbs.
Weight 3 years post partum: don’t know!

I stumbled on this website quite by accident but I am SO glad I did! It is so important for women to see images of REAL bodies, especially mothers.

My relationship with my body has changed dramatically since I first got pregnant at age 18. I’ve struggled with eating disorders off and on since I was 14. When I was pregnant, I ate healthily for once and gained a decent amount of weight. My daughter was a large baby, 9 lbs. 7 oz. My labor and delivery were amazing experiences. I breastfed her for 13 months while going to college, which allowed me to eat healthy and maintain what I deemed an acceptable body.

I relapsed into disordered eating a few times after weaning my daughter. However, I have recently gained an enormous amount of self esteem. I’ve gotten my happiness and confidence back. I eat what makes me happy and I haven’t weighed myself in about 6 months. I’ve also been eating disorder free for over 6 months.

My body is perfect just the way it is. There are stretch marks on my thighs, breasts, hips, butt, and tummy, and I don’t care. The greatest thing another mother ever said to me was, “Honey, the guys I date don’t care about stretch marks,” when I asked her if she was ever afraid to be naked in front of men. Her confidence in herself has remained a model for me as I grow, both physically and spiritually. The good men will see the beauty in ALL of you.

I proudly nourished my daughter with my body. I wear a bikini with confidence. I enjoy uninhibited sex and intimacy. I advocate for women to love and take care of their bodies and I teach my daughter the same. She is young still but she will know that women deserve agency over their own bodies, not society. I teach her by example, showing her that learning, having self confidence, being creative, caring for others, and eating GOOD food is so much more important than constantly worrying about what we look like.

Life is just easier when you love yourself!

My Story (Erin)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breastfeeding, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

I am a 23 year old mother to 5 month old Claire. My journey began with the heartaching realization that at this young age, I have fertility problems. Fighting not only with doctors who would help diagnose and treat a young woman with PCOS (polycystic ovaries) but also fighting with myself, with my body- for failing me. I felt cheated… My body was a place of disgust and distrust. Throughout my fertility journey- I had to learn to see it in different light. To be kinder to this woman in the mirror… to learn to love her, because she was going through an awful heartache yearning for her babe.

Moons later, we conceived our first babe… I was shocked and also terribly scared to be happy. So afraid that since it was hard to get pregnant- I expected nothing to come easy… But soon my belly grew, my body stretched and gave way to LIFE.

These images are so many things to me… I feel awfully proud when I look at them, because I see the same woman said and wrote such heart wrenchingly sad things about that body… I see the woman who started learning to accept her flaws. I see a young woman who is happy, confident, and strong… who carried, gave birth, and nourishes this delicious little babe. I see someone beautiful.

At moments, I feel incredibly vulnerable about these images. But I feel like they hold power- and I hope mostly- that they will help someone else to feel a little bit more compassionate towards their perfectly imperfect body.

This story was featured over on Glamour Magazine!

Fire Marks Almost Four Years Later (Cheri)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

In two weeks my moon face girl will four years old. I remember being madly in love with her father and asking the Goddess to let us have a child if it were meant to be. 9 months later there she was. I don’t recall the birth much due to a sedative they gave me during labor which had a side effect of temporary amnesia. I do recall the first time I saw my postpartum belly. Looking down at it and saying “what the hell is that?”. No one had prepared me. In the next few months I struggled with severe post postpartum depression. Every day remains a struggle. Some days I think I’m smoking hot. Other days I’m embarrassed to be in my own skin. I don’t think I began to feel comfortable with my stomach until the day I got a free massage and apologized to my yoga teacher who was studying to be a massage therapist for my stretch marks. She looked baffled and told me she thought they were beautiful and that they reminded her of fire. I took her words symbolically to heart and try my best to think of them as marks of power that carved the gift the universe bestowed upon me. Some days are still a struggle. Especially with a divorce now in the works between moon face girl’s papa and I. For a while, I didn’t believe anyone but my daughter when they told me I was beautiful. Some days I still don’t. But how can I not think this body that birthed my amazing child isn’t beautiful? She’s awesome. She is worth every mark and every cup size I have fluctuated these past years. Every that came from her has brought meaning to my life… She inspired my career path. She continues to inspire me. These marks and saggy breasts are a reminder of her. It’s a reminder that no mater what I do or where I go she’ll be with me forever. Pictures included are breasts, stomach close up, stomach sucked in, and a slightly not so close up of stomach and body…

Age:23
Pregnancies:1 Births:1
Child’s age:4 in two weeks.
Postpartum: 4 years in two weeks.

My Body the Hand Grenade (Suzi)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Age: 28
Number of pregnancies and births : 1
Age of my child : 14 months
Height and weight before pregnancy 1.60 cm tall & 49 kilos.
Weight after pregnancy: 45 kilos

I found out that I was pregnant in the beginning of Febuary in 2009. It came as a suprise to both me and my boyfriend but we decided to keep it since both of us took the stance that it was supposed to happen.
Being pregnant was never easy for me and I really loathed it. I think a big missconception about being pregnant is that it is something every single woman love and is emotionally and physically prepared for from the get go. Its just a thing that girls are born with. For me being pregnant was hard emotionally and I felt so horrible as a person that I wasnt one of those who loved it. Everyday of my pregnancy I struggle with my emotions . I felt really hideous eventhou I didnt gain alot of weight or got any stretch marks on my belly but the stretch marks on my hips (I’ve had them since I was 14 simply because I developed very fast during a period of two months) was itching like crazy and became red and irratated. All in all I gained about 9 kilos but it was hard on my body since Im not a big girl from the beginning.
My belly didnt grow big except for the two last months of the pregnancy and even then it was not considered big BIG. My mother in law even joked that baby must be hiding really far back clinging to my spine since I was still considered tiny for being 8 months pregnant :). I gave birth to my beautiful son on October 19th. The delivery took three hours and went well. I dropped most of the gained weight during the delivery so I had about two or three kilos left to shed afterwards. However when I looked at myself and my body in the mirror I was completly shell shocked in a very negative way and Im still down that road. Somehow the pregnancy and the difficulties I had with the pregnancy plus being without emotional support gave me a very disturbed body image and triggered a massive amount of hatred against how I look. I am struggling every day with trying to see something beautiful with my body and my looks but Im drawing blank. I’ve never had any issues with that when I was younger , I had a very healthy and postive view on myself, but this is really getting to me. When I see my body I see so many flaws and imperfections and it doesnt matter how much Im working out I cant see any concrete results (which I guess is because I’ve been staring myself blind plus being so full of hate against my outer shell). One of my biggest fears is that I will never grow to love my body and that I will never feel like my own person again. My boyfriend , husband to be , loves my body and tells me every day that he thinks Im the worlds most beautiful girl and that he thinks my body is smoking. I so wish I could see myself through his eyes. My biggest fear is that I will never love my body or feel like my own person again.
I am so happy that I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful , smart and amazing little boy and a positive thing I’ve learned through the whole thing is , like the title of my story says, to never ever underestimate how powerful a womans body is.

16 Months Postpartum (Tessa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 12 Comments

Previous entry here.

It is over 6 months later, and since my previous entry I’ve only been able to lose 10 lbs. My husband has had surgeries, I picked up a second job and am working 45 or so hours, 6 days a week. I cannot afford a gym membership, and wouldn’t have the time to spend at one. Since the beginning of the year, I’ve committed to getting more active and losing 10 lbs by April 18th. I’ve joined a Biggest Loser contest at my workplace to help motivate me. It is a struggle every day to find time to be active when there are so many more responsibilities – cleaning house, dishes, laundry (I cloth diaper as well), cooking and bedtime routines. After all this, I have sometimes 1 hour to myself before it is my own bed time. I’ve started 30 Day Shred and am doing it every other day. I also mix it up with some of P90X workouts. I find myself absolutely energized, in a better mood, and looking at my body in a more positive light after a workout.

I will never have a bikini body again. I have “twin skin” as I gave birth by cesearean to a 9 lb 13 oz baby – he was big enough to be two babies! My belly button is no longer, it is nothing but a hole hidden in the saggy skin and crease in my stomach. My stomach will never be smooth and nice to the touch ever again. Sometimes I find myself really missing how my husband used to run his fingers over my pre-baby belly. He loves me, he says I’m beautiful, he doesn’t ever dream of looking at another woman, he despises the pressure on women to have a perfect body, but the fact remains: he does not run his hand over my belly anymore. It is the section of my body that he avoids when we are intimate. I’ve never told him I’ve noticed, because I don’t blame him and I don’t want him to feel guilty.

99% of the time, although I am displeased with my body, I don’t feel immensely sad or depressed about my shape or weight. I guess the really only times I get really, really down about my body is when I’m shopping and pass by a really thin, great looking mom pushing a 5 month old around in a cart. I always ask myself “Why did *I* have to be so fat and ugly after a baby? Why couldn’t I have been one of the lucky ones to just bounce back?”

I really do not care so much about stretch marks or a little bit of loose skin.. my problem is the excess weight (which can be fixed) and the twin skin (which can’t be fixed short of surgery, which I’d never do). I’m young (20), this is my first child, I was so thin before… I used to think only people who have had twins or triplets, or 6 babies, looked the way I do.

Updated here.