Breasts

Breastless, disgusting and inadequate. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 28 Comments

Recently I’ve been feeling more and more self conscious about my breasts. I’ve tried hard to feel better about myself after large weight gains with my 2 pregnancies (4stone+) during each pregnancy. I lost it all after my second and went down to a size I was happy with. It’s slowly creeping back on. Weight is something I can control just about… what I can’t control is the feeling of disgust when I look at my breasts in the mirror. I don’t even fit into bras properly- i’m guessing i’m a 34AA… they’re horrible, saggy, flat, just plain disgusting. I wear push up bras but feel even worse when my husband tries to grab a feel … as all he gets is padding. I feel like I’ve let him down.

It’s demoralising, I feel like a fake woman, so unsexy and gross. I’ve seen him stare sometimes at other women, for only a few seconds, nothing major to most people but to me, it’s a reminder of what I can’t give him, what I want to give him – bigger breasts and being able to feel sexy and something he can be proud about when I’m with him (of course I know boobs aren’t everything but it feels like it sometimes). I just can’t shake it, it’s been almost 6 years, of constantly feeling jealous of other women, no matter how big their breasts are… mine are nothing in comparison. I have massive gaping holes between them, I have to constantly wear tops that don’t show cleavage as mine is a gaping hole, only supported by giant padded bras… when I take the bra off I’m flat and horrid. Even during sex etc, I feel like when he touches my chest- it’s so disappointing because there’s nothing there anymore. I would love to win the lottery and get surgery – I’ve even mentioned it to my husband- he doesn’t know how to respond- knowing he’s treading on egg shells as to how I would react whether he agreed or disagreed. I can’t mention the topic to him anymore because he denies looking at anyone else, he says it’s all in my head, that he doesn’t know what else he can do. I’m sure to some extent he’s right, but in other ways, I’m not hallucinating when I see him eyeing someone, even if by accident or however brief it may be.

I feel he’ll jump ship when he comes across someone who is happier with themselves, happy with life and with their body … I can’t seem to give him that. Since kids, I’m stressed, depressed, tired, snappy, jealous and feel worthless. I can’t see how my family love me for who I am as I don’t feel like i’m very nice to be around or look at. I’m tempted to go to the GP but I know they’ll only try and prescribe anti depressants which I’m not keen on doing- they won’t bring me new breasts. I was never large to start off with- an average 34 B and have always felt inadequate. I went to a massive 36E during pregnancy because I had put a lot of weight on. I’m 5″3 and at my heaviest when pregnant was 15 stone. (with baby inside!). I’m now 9stone 2 and ideally want to go back to 8st 7lbs which is what I weighed this time last year- but that’s a different story- it won’t help my lack of breast tissue. Any miracle cures to increasing breast size or just feeling better? I feel sick every time we are around other women, even family, thinking how much bigger they are in the chest area – how more attractive they are. I feel sick like I’m so disgusting without any breasts and so unsexy- I hate it. I’m even nervous about my husband going to work and meeting someone there because they’d have more to offer than me. That’s just breasts… stomach is another issue but I can cope with that much better, even if my belly button looks wrinkly and horrible- I can conceal that ok. Any advice greatly appreciated.

~Age: 33
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 and 3

The Aftermath of 3 Kids (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 4 Comments

I am a 33 year old mother of a 10 year old boy, a 9 year old boy and a 4 year old daughter. I am including 2 front view pics and 1 side view pic. I feel that this is the best my body will ever be again. I have saggy breasts from breastfeeding. I have stretchmarks on my breasts and on my stomach all the way up far past my belly button. My belly button will always stick out. My stretch marks are as faded as they ever will be. I have diastasis recti which will keep me from ever having an entirely flat tummy again.

Pre-pregancy, my tummy was one of my favorite parts of my body. I had a belly button ring and a gorgeous six pack. I was a size 6 at my biggest. I am now a size 10, and even after years of working out, I will probably always be this size. I struggle with the appearance of my tummy on an almost daily basis….still.

I am thankful for my husband. We have been together since my senior year of highschool, and married when I was 20. He has stuck with me through everything. He is an amazing father to our 3 children. He loves me so much, and still finds me just as sexy and attractive as he always did. I think that I actually believe him when he tells me how beautiful he finds my body….although I have no way to understand how he could.

My hope in posting is to help myself become less shallow and self-focused on the way my body looks. With clothes I am very happy with the way I look actually. :) I have 3 amazing kids and a wonderful husband. There is so much more to life than the exterior, and I want to lay to rest the things that I cannot change and focus on the so many positive things in my life. I can assure you that even if I could have my previous body, If it meant not having the precious babies that I have now, or the sweet bonding moments of breastfeeding each one of them, or the intimacy that I have with my husband that far exceeds an outward attraction of lust….I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I wish the same for each person who reads this. May all we all walk this journey together of learning to appreciate ourselves, and those who love and accept us with each curve, sag, and flaw that we have. May we extend that grace to those on this journey with us.

To being our best selves ladies!

Breast Issues (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Breasts, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 5 Comments

I am a 24 year old mother of 1 loving boy who is now 10 months old and has been breastfeeding since he was born. I have became really worried about my breast probably about the time my son was 7 months old. My boobs look like the right is larger than the left. My right boob has always slightly been bigger than the left but not noticeable to others just me. But now it’s like my right boob is 2 cups bigger than the left. Before getting pregnant I was a 32C. I’ve been reading a lot of forums online with women who had this same issue. Some say their boobs go back others say it stayed that way and so they fixed it with breast augmentation. And with that being said I feel like I will be one of those ladies who need a breast augmentation. And my son doesn’t prefer one breast over the other. Granted, the right makes more than the left but he spends equal amount of time on each. Please tell me what happened to yours after breastfeeding and any other advice you think is necessary.

Fourth Pregnancy (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 29 Comments

Hi,

I’m a 25 year old, 5 foot 4, 10 stone 11 pounds mom of 3 beautiful children. I had 4 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage. They are 5, 2 and six months old. They were all delivered vaginally. First two children were bottle fed and third is breastfed.

Breastfeeding is making it really hard to loose weight as my body is holding onto the fat as a store my doctor and nutritionist thinks! but I will continue to breastfeed until I return to work as I feel it’s the best nutrition for my baby.

I now hate my body. I recently found out that my fiancé was masterbating to online porn. This is due to a lack of sexual intercourse as I suffered from a prolapse during pregnancy, haemorrhaged 12 days post delivery and had a d&c due to retained placenta. I was also diagnosed with benign tumours in my womb after this ordeal too. So It made me feel super unsexy! Which lead to a sex famine of four times in 9 months!!!! I was devastated that he felt he had to do that and now I’m making more of an effort to have sexual intercourse.

I was a size 6/8 before children and now a 10/12 with droopy boobs and big arms and thighs! Were getting married next July and I really need to get in shape for myself, if not anyone else.

This is Me (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Age: 25
Number of pregnancies/births: 1
Child’s age: 5

I’ve been debating a submission to SOAM for a long time. What vulnerability! I’m no longer a new mother, but the message of this site is very deeply important to me.

I got pregnant at 19- our heads in the clouds, neither of us having anything to our names but hopeless romanticism. He moved in with my mom and I, and we carried on in our little haven above the garage.

My pregnancy was a dream. Aside from a little sciatica and heartburn, I was generally comfortable and happy, somehow avoiding stretchmarks until at least 8 months, wearing heels to work up to the week of my due date. I felt like I could take on the world- my body was made for carrying this baby. Before getting pregnant, I’d always been bigger than my peers, picked on, and though I never agreed, the doctors termed me “obese” from puberty on; I was built like a woman from the gate (like a “brick shithouse,” if you’d have asked my lover. haha) Pregnant, I ate well, but was sedentary, and so gained above what they recommend- at least enough to warrant a talking-to from my midwife.

Our birth was everything I could have wanted. I went into sudden fast labor at one o’clock the morning after my due date, contractions strong and close. We drove an hour to the birthing center, where I labored in a warm bath, both of us sleepless and exhausted, squeezing hands over the lip of the tub, and falling asleep between every contraction. Our daughter was born 7 hours later, came tumbling limp like a bag of blood and bones, all wide eyed and peaceful. We slept and fed and showered, went home and slept as a family some more.

I was in complete awe of what my body had done, but it was also a very strange thing to me for awhile after. It felt like all my guts just fell into the empty space my baby left, in some heavy bulging jumble, and it was hard to even breathe. It felt foreign. But I breastfed, I healed fast, and everything went back to relative normalcy, just bigger and squishier than before- angry stretchmarks (which have since faded to white,) enormous breasts which fluctuated erratically with breastfeeding.

We bought a house when our daughter was a year old, and she weaned herself around 18 months. I remained inactive, my boyfriend and I ate very badly, and I struggled with some medical problems, including extreme energy deficiency to the point of daily tears, unable to find answers. I was a miserable person, who was literally sleeping her life away. The number on the scale crept slowly up over the next couple of years, 180 being my heaviest.

So I made some major changes. I switched my diet to the extreme, which helped my energy enormously. Then, my boyfriend got involved with martial arts. He eventually convinced me to join him, and a fire was sparked. I had energy. I was learning, and passionate, and had confidence, and was getting strong and leaning out in the process. I’ve been there for almost 3 years now, eventually joining their fitness program too- I am mentally a completely different person, and in the search for a healthy mind, my body was also transformed. I have such fire for health that I can’t wait to share with my daughter as her own little body and brain grow and change. I’ve learned to love myself wholly- the muscles I’ve developed, skin problems, stretch marks, thunderous thighs, strong arms, deflated breasts and all. This is me- a mother, and what my postpartum body has settled into.

Please excuse my disheveled bedroom- this is also me, a messy mother ;)

061614-anon-1

One Month After Weaning My Toddler (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

30 years old
Number of pregnancies: 1
Number of children: 1
2.5 years post partum

I admire all the women on this site and I have read many of your stories over the past year. I recently stopped breast feeding (very proud to have breastfed for more than 2 years). And now my breasts have totally deflated and I find myself extremely self-conscious (hiding my breasts from my partner etc….) I don’t like that one side is smaller than the other and how my nipples sink into my breasts. The picture on the left is from about a year before I got pregnant and the rest are recent. Pregnancy and breastfeeding (and now running after an active little kid!) really slimmed me down without trying (also I was under a lot of stress related to my relationship) Now I am at a new point in my journey and I’m working on self acceptance and treating myself and my body well… Thanks for reading!

060414-anon-1

Mommy of 2 Cesarean-Born Girls (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 3 Comments

Age: 25
2 pregnancies/ 2 births
4 years and 3 years

My two beautiful little toddlers were born 14 1/2 months apart. I had lost all but the last ten pounds of my pregnancy weight when i became pregnant again. I was happy with my weight, as I was very petite prior to becoming pregnant and my body needed the extra pounds. Although my stomach did had a small pooch above my csection scar, I was still very happy with my body, happy to have those extra pounds that i so wanted before. I was however devastated that my baby had been born by cesarean when it absolutely was not necessary, and I very much wanted to deliver vaginally, so I felt I did miss out on the life changing experience even if it was very painful. I chose a different doctor for my second pregnancy, and I was very happy with this doctor. I explained my csection experience to her and told her that i preferred to deliver vaginally, she was very accepting of going with this option, however keeping the thought of csection open as it could be easier and of course safer for myself as well. Towards the end of my pregnancy I did decide to go ahead with a cesarean birth again as to avoid any unnecessary complications, and I came to peace with my choice. Everything went great, and i recovered just as quickly as the first delivery, except that the birth control i used did make the weight slower to come of this time around. I’m finally just 5 pounds heavier than my pre pregnancy weight after the first child. And i love my womanly curves, its very liberating to have the curves i so wanted as a young adult that i couldn’t get if I had eaten an elephant. However the pooch just above my scar is a bit bigger than before and it keeps me from truly being comfortable with my body. I know this is the same story as every other woman on earth, but i truly feel had i never had a cesarean delivery the first time around my pooch may not be so pronounced, my muscle would not be so weak in that area. And finally I would have had that one most special experience of giving birth to my child/children as God intended.

Journey To Loving Myself (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, First Pregnancy, Legs, Mom over 30, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

What beautiful, brave women you all are for opening up and bearing your hearts, minds and bodies here on this site! I have been reading stories on here to learn and prepare for some of the physical and emotional changes I may experience after I’ve given birth since I have no previous experience to draw on. I look at you all with utter awe and admiration, and in my opinion you are as feminine as it gets and I feel so proud to be about to join your ranks.

I am only part way along the motherhood journey, approx. 6 months pregnant so far. I am 30 yrs old and this is my first baby. I haven’t developed any stretch marks on my tummy or breasts as yet, but I have gained some weight on my thighs and my bottom, and developed a few varicose veins on one of my legs as you can see in the pictures.

I don’t have a picture-perfect body by magazine standards, but it’s mine to live in and so I do treasure it, especially now that I’m pregnant – it constantly amazes me. I don’t really feel sexy in the same way as I used to, but I feel more womanly and powerful in my body than ever and therefore sexy in a whole new and much deeper way.

I have not always felt as free and loving toward myself and my body. I had painful experiences with my body image, depression and anxiety in my teens and early 20’s. Over the years since recovering though, I have come to see my body more as a way I can express my spirit and receive/share with the world around me, than a purely physical form that defines me, and is either “attractive” or “unattractive” to the world.

Reading many stories I really feel the grief expressed by different women about what they once were and are no longer since having babies… the permanent features that they can never change or undo (without surgery, or even with the help of surgery)… and the unrelenting sense of pressure/expectation from partners, society or just themselves to improve or restore themselves to their former glory, as if now they are less than they were and lacking in various ways, even though they have just become SO MUCH MORE.

I feel the pain particularly as many women talk about taking wonderfully healthy actions like being physically active, eating consciously, trying to be positive and proactive without experiencing any tangible results and the frustration, self-loathing and hopelessness that ensues. Wonderful, extraordinary women feeling like they need to take all sorts of extreme and harsh measures, even against their own intuition, to eliminate the ways in which they horrify themselves. I don’t judge one single one of you, because I have felt these things about myself in the past, without even having the excuse of having had a baby and the very real physical changes that come with that. I simply wish you did not have to suffer that shame/pain/grief/self-loathing, when you are actually so incredibly worthy and deserving of boundless honour and admiration.

My pursuit of perfection when I was younger, although I didn’t know I was doing it, eventually led to complete exhaustion, self-loathing, anxiety and ultimately depression. My self-esteem was blown apart and my perception of myself shockingly distorted. I shudder to think what effect pregnancy might have had on me at that time in my life and how I would have dealt with it.

I was fortunate to have a lot of professional guidance, loving supportive people around me and I was quite committed to being well again, but even still it was a long road to learn the lessons and tools for loving myself that I needed to be healthy and happy. I eventually was blessed to discover the power of a beautiful guided meditation process for healing called “The Journey”, which is all about uncovering the unconditional love that resides within you and allowing it flow through you. You learn to see yourself through the eyes of an innocent child/best friend/loving parent all mixed together and effectively let go of so many unhealthy ideas about what determines worth in the world – incredibly healing. Out of everything, learning this was what made all the difference for me, and still makes the difference for me now.

For someone who was ridiculously diligent, self-disciplined and compulsively trying to “fix”/”improve” myself, learning how to relax all that mental pressure, stop forcing myself constantly and just surrender to the knowledge of how extraordinary I already was WITHOUT BEING PERFECT was the most powerful key in my journey towards healing. I gradually learnt how to accept myself exactly as I was BEFORE I was better, healthier, more attractive, more capable, successful, etc. My life’s not perfect and nor am I, by my whole life has become much easier and more beautiful, and I feel beautiful just as I am.

A line in the post called “I Want My Body Back” (Anonymous) is what ultimately inspired me to share some of my story with you all here. The line was: “I just want to love myself for what I look like now”. I wanted to share the way that I learnt how to give myself that gift of self-love for her, and for all of you beautiful women who deserve that gift too, just in case it helps in any way.

I hope it’s ok to quote a couple of ladies who’ve posted here on this site – these are just some of the most beautiful and uplifting words I have read and I will hold them in my heart as I continue on my journey of becoming a mother:

“I was beautiful then and I’m beautiful now… Size does not equate worth, or love, or beauty…” (It’s oK To Feel Beautiful – Jennifer)

“Tears running down my face… This body was the look of true beauty, of work and reward, of suffering and love.” (My Post Partum Body – Courtney)

Thank you for all of your stories.

Disgusted With Myself (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 10 Comments

Im not sure what all to put in my submission… i just found this site today and i cant tell you how thankful i am to not be the only one with body image issues after having kids..

Well, i guess i should start off by saying i will be 26 in a few weeks. I have 3 children ages 8, 5, and 2 1/2 and i absolutely Hate my body. Im 5’3 and weight 90 pounds.. no matter how many times ive tried to gain weight i just can’t.

My sides butt boobs and legs are Covered in stretch marks, there is almost No breast tissue in my boobs now.. (i went from a full c before pregnancy to a G while breastfeeding, and now after having kids i barely fill an A cup.. and the extra skin on my breasts makes me sick. I have No self confidence… with no help from.my ex husband who told me how disgusting i looked on a daily basis, constantly looked at porn because he “couldnt look at me without wanting to throw up.” He also cheated during our marriage.
Now i dont even wear shorts because i feel gross.

I am engaged to the most wonderful man who tells me every day how beautiful he thinks i am… but i feel like he gets shortchanged because i cant even have the lights on when we are intimate.. and i almost Never let him see me nude. Before having kids i had the Perfect toned body… now its impossible for me to gain weight no matter how hard i try, so im just this Super thin saggy person who is completely 100% uncomfortable in her own skin