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Searching For My Old Self (Kathleen)

February 10, 2012

I am 30 years old and the proud mother of two sons – a 21 month old and 9 week old. My first son was delivered via c-section and my second was a successful vbac.

I am very fond of this website and enjoy reading the many courageous and often inspiring stories.

I was forced to deliver via emergency c-section with my first son due to fetal distress. This was heart breaking for me, as I had so badly wanted to experience a natural delivery. I did however quickly come to terms with my dissapointment when I got to hold my sweet little boy for the first time. It may not have been a picture perfect delivery, but he was here, and healthy.

I wasn’t crazy about my new body after my first son, but learned to embrace it one day at a time. The section scar never bothered me. In fact, it was a reminder of the miracles of modern medicine and how the procedure saved my baby.

Fast forward to the present, and I am now 9 weeks post partum with my second beautiful son. I was so very fortunate to experience a successful vbac. I finally had a natural delivery and it was everything I had hoped it would be. My son did however arrive quickly and forcefully, and I sustained a second degree tear and a uterine prolapse. Needless to say, things are no longer the same down there.

My Dr stated that kegels will help a bit but I could consider surgical repair once we are through having children. I feel so disfigured, and it is truly affecting my ability to be intimate with my husband. He is wonderful, tender and supportive, but I have such a huge hang up about it, that I can’t allow myself to enjoy being intimate. This is only compounded by the fact that the sensation is decreased and I don’t like looking at my stretched out body.

I am trying so hard to overcome my hang ups. I have always considered myself to be a strong confident woman….but she seems to be hiding and I don’t know where to find her.

Updated here.

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21 Responses to “Searching For My Old Self (Kathleen)”

  1. Shelly Says:
    February 10th, 2012 at 7:37 am

    Your old self? Your new self looks great!

  2. Mommyto4boys Says:
    February 10th, 2012 at 9:09 am

    Wow! You look absolutely amazing!!! You’re 9 weeks PP??? You have a great shape and a flat tummy! So sorry about your loss of confidence- I hope it comes back ASAP. Thank goodness you have an understanding hubby who loves you!! {{{hugs}}}

  3. Catherine S Says:
    February 10th, 2012 at 8:06 pm

    At nine weeks postpartum, you are still reeeeeally early in the recovery phase. I am not intimately familiar with uterine prolapse, but I would think that things will gradually improve over time. 9 weeks is a drop in the bucket for recovery for any birth! You are lovely:)

  4. izzy Says:
    February 11th, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    It doesn’t even look like you carried two babies in that body! You look absolutely stunning, I’d kill for a body like yours. I’m not even 21 yet and I’m covered in stretch marks and loose skin. Embrace your body, show it off any way possible you deffinately deserve too :)

  5. amber Says:
    February 11th, 2012 at 1:15 pm

    U LOOK AMAZING!!

  6. Sarah Says:
    February 11th, 2012 at 2:16 pm

    Such a sexy, strong, confident woman in the photo! I would have never guessed she had hang ups or trouble with intimacy.

    And 9 w pp????!!! Holy crap, I am jealous!

  7. Gem Says:
    February 12th, 2012 at 3:44 am

    Omg lady!! You look beautiful!!!

  8. Rosabel Says:
    February 12th, 2012 at 8:11 am

    You’re amazing. I’m a young mum, well…not mum at all.
    I’m only pregnant since 3 months and I’ve always had problems with my body (even if everyone aroun me kept always saying i’m beautiful and very thin).

    Now that i’m pregnant I look at myself and I feel horrible.
    The doctor even forbid me sex with my couple cause I had an abort before this pregnancy. He never touch me and I feel like I want to die. I think it’s for my body, (yes I’ve already ladders…puff!)
    but then, today, I read your entry and, even if my english is horrible, I want to tell you that you are extremely BEAUTIFUL. If only I had that breasts!!!! You look amazing, a very beautiful woman. Please come to Italy or stand out in front of a MacDonalds and look at womens younger than you of 10 years already FAT and full of ladder because of their way of eat. Your are amazing, and your real you is inside that incredible body that gave your husband a FAMILY! Trust me, you look soooo fine!

    Today I undestrood how beautiful women can be so sensible to details that others don’t see. Go to your husband and make love. I trust he wants you exactly as you are. Good look, darling. Sorry for my “invasion”, I feel very close to you!

    SMILE!

  9. june Says:
    February 12th, 2012 at 6:26 pm

    you look incredible period. for 9 weeks postpartum you look like a supermodel! good luck on your self love journey :)

  10. Rebecca Says:
    February 14th, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Hi Kathleen. So sad to hear the way you feel as we all do. I had a fit amazing body before i got pregnant. i didnt gain much weight just becuase im sick with crohns disease. I understand how you feel but to tell you the honest truth men unless they are that selfish do not care about the post preggo bodies. I really do think your husband doesnt care about your body. It does look really really great. Just take your time, do some slow workout and your fine. you really do look great!! I got the PINK workout and let me tell you it works. Good energize workout and its only 20mins. All made for women. So please let yourself loose and enjoy your intimate times in bed with your husband. Guarentee he does not care. Please trust me. Good luck and feel better

  11. Rebecca Says:
    February 16th, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Also Kathleen just a note. If your husband had a belly or is out of shape he does not feel unconfortable with his body while being intimate. We have to hang loose just like they do. My husband has a belly and when we are intimate he does not care what he looks like. Please trust me.

  12. Kristy Says:
    February 17th, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Your body looks stunning, and especially considering you’re only 9 weeks pp! I know what you mean, I’ve always been extremely confident and it’s been hard finding that Kristy again. In time I’m sure we will again. But you look phenom and if you can’t tell it to yourself, we all can!

  13. Kendra Says:
    February 28th, 2012 at 6:16 am

    I thought that was a victorias secret underwear add…….are you serious!!!??????…..you look great!

  14. Suz Says:
    March 28th, 2012 at 7:00 pm

    You look amazing. I understand their are issues you are experiencing that can’t be seen, but you look beautiful.

  15. Carol Says:
    April 12th, 2012 at 2:09 am

    You are beautiful! And you are not alone with prolapse. Great support community here: http://prolapsehealth.com/forums/

    And the Habit Pelvic Floor DVD can help a lot more than just kegles.

    Sending good wishes!

    xoxo

  16. nicole Says:
    April 21st, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    i had to laugh. our post partum tummies look almost the same and i have the same underwear – ha! you look fantastic but i do relate to the challenges of bouncing back post(unwanted)c-section. it’s hard.

  17. Cassie Says:
    April 22nd, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    Momma this hits way too close to home. I am currently 10 weeks PP and also had a successful VBAC!!! YAY! But just as you said…it left things, as I like to put it, a little open down there. When my husband and I tried to be intimate for the first time at 6 1/2 weeks it was very awkward and it was hard for me to feel sexy when I felt like my lady parts were left open like a gaping hole… My Dr. also said Kegals, kegals, kegals….I can’t really offer any advice, just letting you know that I am in the same boat and I understand… just add in looking like a zebra all over my belly boobs and upper thighs. sigh…

  18. kathleen Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    Hi ladies,
    Thank you all for your wonderful supportive comments and suggestions. I am feeling much more like my old self again, but it has taken a bit of time and resolve. I have dropped my baby weight and then some by eating well and working out. Work outs were somewhat challenging as there are some high impact activities that aggravate the prolapse. As far as that goes, I have an appt with a specialist coming up, and I will be looking into some short term solutions until I am done having babies… At which point I will consider a more permanent option.
    Until then, thank you all for your support and I wish you all continued health and success in your own post partum journeys.

  19. Jessica Says:
    April 26th, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    To have carried 2 babies, you look amazing!! I am sorry I cannot offer any advice other than that. Congrats on the new baby and successful VBAC. I wish there were more doctors open to trying VBAC.

  20. Lindsay B Says:
    May 18th, 2012 at 1:33 am

    holy shit! you look great! I dont even see a saggy belly, stretch marks or anything! you need to be happy! you are one of the lucky oneeessss! smile :)

  21. Jenn Says:
    July 7th, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Damn! You look better than most of my friends in their 20s who work out and haven’t even had a baby yet.

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