Submissions

Trying Really Hard But Losing Hope (Sophya)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Complications in Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Toxemia 11 Comments

Age: 33

Number of pregnancies/birth: 2

Age of children: 6-year-old daughter and 7 months-old son, 7 months post-partum

I’ve been visiting SOAM for the last four years since I had my daughter and I wish to thank warmly all those wonderful women who’ve had the courage to post their stories and voice out their fears. You have all been truly inspirational and sometimes, reading these stories was the ONLY thing that kept me from plunging into despair after I had my baby girl. I have always been overweight (I had to be fed low-fat milk as a baby so as not to put on too much weight), and the “thinnest” I have been in my adult life was 64 kg, which I managed to reach before my wedding in 2003 by following a horrible diet and abusing a bit on laxatives. I had my baby girl in 2006 and put on 27 kg during the pregnancy and was absolutely devastated at the state of my body after that. Over the next four years, I managed to lose 25 kg through on-and-off diets and religious exercise. I was very scared to have another baby for fear of what it would do to my body and my health again, which was fine because by that time, my marriage had somewhat broken apart and my husband and I were not having sex. Then, after a wonderful holiday in December 2010, things got patched up and we decided that having another baby would not be a bad idea, and I quickly fell pregnant in January 2011. But I had a very difficult pregnancy…I started bloating at 2 months, was anaemic throughout the pregnancy, my husband had to travel when I was 4 months along and we got robbed while my daughter and I were alone in the house, I lost all my wedding jewellery and a lot of money, had serious car problems…all that stress made my blood pressure soar and I was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and had to undergo and emergency c-section at 33 weeks because my placenta had started tearing apart from the high blood pressure. After the operation, my BP still wouldn’t go down and I had to be put in ICU for 48 hrs. I felt like hell after the op. But my baby boy was in the incubator and I had to go to the clinic to try and breastfeed him everyday. After I finally came home, I had to learn caring for a premature baby (plus dealing with my 5 year old) and had no time or energy to care for myself. I started dieting and exercising about 3-4 months pp and managed to lose 9 kg in 3 months (I put on about 15 kg with this pregnancy), again by following a hell of a protein-only diet and forcing as much exercise on me as I could possibly handle. Despite all these efforts, I still feel heavy, bloated, and look like I’m still 5 months pregnant. My gynae says that my body went through major trauma during the op, my tissues are all mushy inside, my uterus is badly ruined (he’s been practically screaming at me NOT to have any other babies), so that’s why I will take more time to recover than if I had a normal delivery. I’m now running out of strength when I see that fat, massive 5-months-preggo-looking belly of mine. I don’t care about looking good again or about the stretch marks (I know I’ll forever have the pouch…it doesn’t bother me because my marriage is on the rocks again and I don’t think my hubby and I will ever have sex again, so there’s nobody to see me naked again), I just want to STOP feeling so huge. I know I have to be strong for my children, but after all these efforts, still having this massive weight to carry around is starting to bring me down. I am now 7 months PP and I’m starting to think I’ll never be my ‘normal’ self again.

The pics are me 7 mo PP and my daughter (she just turned 6) and son.

Daring to Bikini (Jen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 13 Comments

-37 years old, two pregnancies, children 5 and 7, divorced last year
-also a postpartum doula and freelance writer who spends most of her professional life writing about motherhood and encouraging new moms to be strong, proud, and confident, in both their instincts and their physical changes

My children were my lifeline through what turned out to be a hearbreaking, unhealthy marriage. Without the incredible experiences of natural childbirth, 5 years combined of breastfeeding, and motherhood, I may have seen earlier that my “love refill tank” was dusty and dry, but my children filled me up to such an abundant level, I kept on with my marriage–for hope and for them.

This photo was taking after the ground finally stopped shaking from the total life earthquake known as divorce. Amongst the rubble and the aftershocks, I found real, supportive, cellular love with the first boy I ever kissed…both of us transplanted in Minnesota, very far from our native homes. We left our work and our worries one weekend to go camping and river tubing with his sister–so juvenille, so fun. As he is not a biological parent and is not the one who gave me my pregnancy body, I did feel a little more self-conscious revealing my “extra skin” and dimples and stretch marks. Needlessly, so, as he loves me because he loves me…and LOVES the wonderful mother that I am.

As you can see, in the photo, I am laughing and having fun. I am clearly in good health and toned by exercise. This is actually the low end of my weight range, as I lost quite a bit through the divorce. Still, I look at this picture, and I feel imperfect. I feel frustrated with the belly which actually looks pretty good for my age and number of pregnancies. And that is RIDICULOUS. I am 37 and hopeful after heartbreak, lighthearted enough to stand on a tube in a moving river. I am a postpartum doula who truly knows the beauty of real arms, thighs, bellies, breasts, and hips. And yet, I do not love this picture. But I want to. Maybe sharing it will help.

A Low Point (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 35 Comments

Age: 38
Number of Pregnancies: 3 pregnancies, 3 births
Children: 5, 3 and 13 months
13 months post-partum

I’ve been reading this website for quite some time and am just gathering the courage to post now. I have always been a fit person- I never had issues with my weight, although I’ve always felt unattractive. I’ve had self esteem issues my whole life due to being teased about my largish nose and always being taller than anyone in my class. I also grew up with significant body image issues. Even though I was fit for my height and age (12 years old), I was encouraged to lose weight by my ballet instructor when I expressed interest in becoming a professional. When my parents decided to sign me up for modeling school, I was told at age 14 (at the time I was 5’9”, 135 lbs.) that I needed to lose at least 30 lbs. if I ever wanted to make it.

I grew up mostly living with my grandparents which is screwed up in its own way, but my grandmother shaped how I thought an attractive woman should look. When she was young, she looked like a movie star or a 1940s pinup girl. She was always large breasted and curvaceous, and told me when I was a little girl that I would look like her one day. Well guess what didn’t happen. When I was a teenager she would always comment that I was too skinny and needed to gain weight so my breasts would grow. She would also buy bras for me that were too small so that my breasts would be pushed up and appear larger.

So I truly did not gain acceptance of my body until I reached my late 20s . Then at the age of 32, I had my first baby. It was one of the best times of my life, I truly enjoyed being a mother and everything seemed right with the world. I did not have issues with my postpartum body at that time because I had very few stretch marks (mostly low on my belly) and my breasts didn’t change much after breastfeeding. After I had my 2nd baby it was a different story. More stretch marks crept up to my belly button and now there was sagging and stretch marks evident in my breasts after I weaned her at 13 months of age. I did not have time to focus on it much, though it did depress me, because my daughter had significant health issues that required surgery at 6 months old.

However, 13 months after having my last baby, I am totally devastated by what my body looks like. My breasts have totally deflated ( I finished bfing 1 month ago), one breast is almost 2 cup sizes bigger than the other and the stretch marks are so deep that my breasts look like they’re 80 years old. My husband is very supportive and tells me I’m beautiful all the time, but whenever I catch a glance at my naked body I actually feel disgust and shame. I wish I could say that I admire it’s ability to create and carry my wonderful children, but I just cry. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t want to have sex with the lights on anymore because if I look at my body while we’re making love, I end up crying when we’re finished. I don’t want this to ruin our sex life and I feel like my body shame impacts my mood almost daily. How do I get past the negative thoughts that nag me day and night, and how do I get to the point where I don’t feel like crying everytime I see myself naked? How do I get some confidence back? I want to feel sexy again for my and my husband’s sake!

I Love My Marks (Charlotte)

Bonnie (SOAM) Second Pregnancy, Submissions 2 Comments

mom of an 18 month old and 20weeks pregnant with the second!

I was very shocked to find out when I was pregnant with my son. Mostly because I found out just 8 days before he was born! My boyfriend and I were panicked to say the very least. I didn’t have a single symptom, or stretch mark, until the end. My stomach Exploded with stretch marks. All of my friends who have kids are so disgusted by their stretch marks, and now, being pregnant with baby number 2 (planned this time), I’m embracing all of the changes because I know this will most likely be our last. I wrote down how I feel about my stretch marks, and loose skin, and cellulite, and everything else that came with willy (my first) and attached it to my favorite picture of the two of us.

Learning to Accept My Body (Emily)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

I was 21 when I became pregnant with my first son. It took us almost a year to conceive him and I had developed worries that I might be infertile. When we found out we were pregnant I was so relived and a overjoyed we would be able to have children. I had a beautiful happy pregnancy. I also enter pregnancy with a magazine like body and secret body image issues. Since my teens, I never felt skinny enough or pretty enough and always found unhealthy was to keep a thin figure. When my 1st child was born, I struggled with postpartum depression. PPD was hard for me to accept because I loved my baby so much and we had worked so hard to bring him into the world, I was afraid admitting my PPD would be like saying I was ungrateful for my precious gift. Despite lathering up daily in cocobutter and gaining only the recommended 25lbs, I had a belly full of streach marks. My mother literly gasped when I showed her my postpartum belly. I gain weight during the postpartum period going from a size 10 at birth to a 16 at 1 year postpartum. At that time I conceived our second child. My husband knew how sensitive I was about my stretch marks and in an attempt to be kind he encouraged me to use cocobutter each day, but really his acknowledgement of my scaring just made me angry and insecure. I worried through out the pregnancy due to financial problems and frequent contractions from six months. I feared a miscarriage. Thankfully, I carried my 2nd child to term and gave birth to a health baby. I have not suffered depression this time but have suffered from confidence in my body. I long for self acceptance and to feel sexy the way my sweet husband insists that I am. The sagging skin the streach marks have left make it difficult for me to see the beauty I know my body possesses. My old clothes I onced loved now create unflattering bulges in my middle region. I’ve gone from a size 14 at birth to a size 10. I feel better about my body, but I want to feel good about myself regardless of what my body looks like. I want to accept my self and feel what I know: that a woman is beautiful because she is a WOMAN, a creator and nurturer of life. I hope that posting this will help me in my quest.

25yrs old
2 children, infant & 2yr old, 8 months PP, nursing

Updated here.

Taking One Day at a Time (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 14 Comments

Previous post here.

AGE:23
POSTPARTUM: 24MONTHS
PREGNANCIES: 1

Taking one day at a time. This has been the only way I have been able to move forward after giving birth to my daughter, who was stillborn, 24 months ago. Since I last submitted to SOAM things have changed. After issues with my husband and a short separation we have been trying to work things out. One thing good did come out of our separation though. I finally returned to college and work realizing that I didn’t want to rely on anyone to “take care” of me. I had been struggling with doing anything since I lost my daughter and our situation gave me the motivation I needed to take a step back into living. Now to my main reason for giving an update, I have officially lost 100+ pounds since I gave birth. I am so proud of myself for being able to accomplish this. No my body isn’t ANYTHING like it was before getting pregnant but I’m learning to accept my new body. The body that grew life inside for 9 months & the body that has gone through such a transformation from gaining and losing all the weight that I have. Losing the weight hasn’t only made me look better but feel better about myself and most of all has showed me that I can accomplish anything if I work hard enough for it.

Breastfeeding Breasts and Mommy Belly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 8 Comments

My name is Susan I am 32, and have two babies. My daughter is 2 and my son is 10 months. I nursed my daughter for 12 months and I am currently nursing my 10 month old. They were both full term and healthy natural births. Ive always been thin. Iam petite, just 115lbs and 5’3″. I gained 25 lbs with both babies and lost all the baby weight. Even though I am my prepregnancy weight I am definitely softer, not as toned and more veiny. I don’t mind my new body. I had small perky 32b breasts, now they are 34b. In this photo I just nursed my son on the right side so you can see its a bit smaller. My left one is always been bigger and it’s engorged in that side. I just returned from work and hadn’t pumped in 9 hours. My breasts are bigger but when I wean the babe in two months they will probably go down.

Young and Feeling Hopeless (Amelia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 15 Comments

Hi there, first off I would like to start by saying that when I found this website I was so happy to be able to relate to other real woman who feel the same way that I do. A lot of stories on here have helped me to begin to accept my new body, but I still have the days where I feel so sad about my body I dont even want to go out in public. When I had my daughter I was 17 years old, very young yes I know, but I adjusted to motherhood completely and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I am now 18 and 1 year postpartum. Before I got pregnant, I was comfortable in my own skin, and now I look at other women and just wish I had their stomach lol I used to take mine for granted, and
I never realized how important it was before this. I just wanted to share the way I feel and a little bit about my story because I hope that atleast one woman out there will feel better about themselves after reading this or even be able to relate to me and know that there is someone else out there who knows what you are going through. The hardest part about it is that I can’t even look in the mirror anymore without feeling sadness and getting this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach because I am so unhappy with my body. I look at celebrities who have just had babies and they look amazing! And I know I know they get things done and have a lot of money to be able to fix the scars and stretch marks and all the other fun stuff that comes along with being pregnant, but I can’t help but feel worse about my body after seeing them. I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and I would go through it all over again if I had to because even though I can’t stand to look at my body, it was all worth it in the end, and to be able to be part of making a human being who is part of you, and have their little fingers, and toes, and heart, and lungs grow inside of you is an amazing thing and thats what makes us woman so special. So even though we may not like these stretch marks or c-section scars, or the saggy mummy tummys, they’re badges of what we went through and what an amazing thing we did by being pregnant and giving birth and we shouldn’t be embarrassed by them or ashamed by them because it brought us beautiful miracles from God. Anyways I hope that this makes someone feel beautiful and brings them more confidence and acceptance of their body.

Feeling Myself Again, Even Though I’m So Different (Amanda C)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 9 and a half months daughter Sadie…

My name is Amanda I am 24 and have had one pregnancy where I gave birth to my daughter May 17 2011. She is almost 10 remember being about 6 months pregnant and was thinking that I was safe no weight gain no stretch marks.. i still remember the day i spotted just 1 stretch mark and started to panic i went straight to the pharmacy to get bio-oil and three other stretch mark creams … I remember crying and hating my body as I went from being 160lbs to 230 at the end of my pregnancy… I had stretch marks on my boobs, legs. arms, back of my knees, hips and stomach. At the end of my pregnancy I should have been so happy to have my beautiful daughter and well I was extremely happy!! I was depressed about the way i looked i didn’t want pictures taken with my daughter i didn’t want anyone seeing me i basically hid out in my house. I was just not myself i didn’t smile i didn’t laugh i didn’t joke. … as on January 10 2012 I stopped sulking and finally did something i started dieting and exercising and have managed to lose 35 lbs so far! i went from 230 to currently 195! My stretch marks are still there but I now love them!! there is a mark for every wiggle every breath and every blink my angel took while my body withstood amazing obstacles and HOUSED a life that I brought to this earth <3 I thought it was the stretch marks that were my biggest problem but they weren't the problem was my weight which i had to realize I CAN CONTROL I just have to try! Now that i am losing weight i feel great! i want to go for walks get out of the house I want to show off my body WITH my new stretch marks!! I want everyone to know I had a baby! THIS BODY MADE A LIFE! Some may think its ugly or even disgusting to look at but that's really completely fine with me cause these stretch marks represent where I met the love of my life.. they represent the most important thing in my life <3 I feel so empowered! Its just so amazing that something I was so terrified of something I couldn't control or prevent became my stripes of pride! Pic 1 and 2: Are pre pregnancy pictures (when i thought i was my happiest) Pic 3: Is me 6 and a half months pregnant. Pic 4: Is me 9 months pregnant ( big weight gain) Pic 5 and 6: when I gave birth to my angel (notice my stretch marks) Pic 7 and 8: my post pregnancy weight gain you can just tell by the look on my face that i am not happy at all. No confidence ... Pic 9: here i was at about 20 pounds weight loss!! I Look so ALIVE compared to my previous 2 post pregnancy pictures. pic 10 and 11: Are ME CURRENTLY!! what my belly looks like now at almost 10 months post partum... lost 35 lbs since January 10!! [gallery]