Submissions

Ashamed and Insecure (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 7 Comments

25 years old one child, three months postpartum

In my early teens I suffered from purging anorexia. I’ve never been content with my body and looks since one summer my dad pointed out my growing belly when I was 12. I got the help I needed, but never got rid of that little voice that told me I could be more loved if I just lost a few pounds.

Looking back, I wish I had embraced the body I had before pregnancy.

My poor husband has had to deal with these crazy thoughts of mine and has paid the price. I never let him see me naked then or now. I feel terrible that I have held back from him.

Pregnancy weight gain and loss have brought back all the bad thoughts from my teen years. I’m trying so hard to not put emphasis on my looks, but it varies from day to day. I know that I never want my daughter to feel bad about herself or hear me put myself down. Each day it takes a real effort not to breakdown when I catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror.

My Favorite Hip Huggers, RIP (Clara)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 7 Comments

I am 23 years old, and I had my son, Andy, a month before my 19th birthday. Before I had Andy, I was a consistent size 8-10, but had finallyyyy gotten down to a size 6 after some hard work and pure accident. I was extremely happy with how I looked, my stomach looked great! I was toned, healthy, and just very satisfied (which I have never been with my body). I refused to wear pants that went anywhere other than my hips, and I showed it off as much as I could. I was proud of what I had accomplished and was finally satisfied with myself.
Then I found out I was pregnant.

Obviously, it wasn’t planned. I was only 18 at the time! Everything changed. I suffered from hyperemesis for the first 4 months. I was in and out of the hospital for severe dehydration, I couldn’t even keep water down and my kidney’s weren’t keeping up (my body has never handled estrogen well). By the time it finally went away, I had actually lost about 10 pounds and I looked horrible. I was extremely thin and almost skeletal.

That all changed quick!

I ate ALOT trying to gain back the weight I had lost being so sick. I craved snickers and McDonald’s french fries all the time (thankfully not together). I was 110lbs. going into my 4th and 5th month. I was 175lbs. when I delivered my son. I had gained OVER 60lbs. in 3-4 months. I tried to be consistent with lotions and cocoa butter and anything that was said to help prevent stretch marks. But, I got too big too fast and there was nothing I could do, especially considering how small I was from being sick. My skin didn’t just stretch; my doctor says it actually ripped a few layers underneath. Despite my rapid realization that I would never be the same, Andy was 8 lbs. 9 oz. and 21 1/2 in. long. and I was instantly in love!

I lost 20 lbs. right out of the hospital, but was stuck at 150 for 3 years. I had lost all of the progress I had made pre-Andy, and I had just moved to a new place to be with his father and had no one around to help. I was 19, and trying to play wife and mother and everything in between. I had no time for me, I was stressed and I was in over my head. I was depressed, and my weight did not help. I tried to go to the gym, but my then husband wasn’t exactly reliable to watch our son and would straight out refuse if he was too tired or too engrossed in his video games. Even though half of the reason I thought I looked so horrible was because of his comments such as “you really need to go to the gym” “You really need to lose the baby weight soon” “(Insert name)’s wife has already lost all of her weight, why haven’t you done something yet?” Obviously, my favorite hip-huggers were not an option.

Needless to say that marriage failed horribly.

Not long after, my son was diagnosed with Autism. So, now I was a 20 year old single mother of an autistic child. I think we all know I was even deeper over my head than before. Thankfully, I adjusted easily. Therapy, evaluations, conferences, seminars, etc. I dove head first trying to make sure I could help him along as best as I could and give him the best opportunity to do well. Through the stress and the constant dead run I seemed to be on, I did lose weight. Slowly, but it did happen. By the time of his third birthday, I was the same weight I was pre-Andy.

Funny thing is, I almost wish I had of kept it.

I am now a size 6 again. Sometimes a 4, depending on the style and cut of clothes. The problem is I still can’t wear the majority of my old favorites anymore. I may have lost the weight, but because I got so big, my skin did not retain it’s elasticity. Plus, because of the ripping in the sub dermal layers, there is a small build up of scar tissue that I can’t get rid of. So, I have excess skin and scar tissue that just hangs over anything that doesn’t come up almost to my belly button (if not over). I had never had this issue before, and it is the most frustrating thing in the world.

My boyfriend (who is both amazing with my son and is the best thing that has ever happened to me) tells me all the time that I am beautiful and perfect the way I am. That no one really looks like they did when they were teenagers and that I should be happy with the way I look. “You had a baby!” he says “of course you’re going to have stretch marks and a little extra! You still look great and I’m still more attracted to you every day.” I want to believe all of that, and he has been trying to pound it into my head for a year. But all I can see if me trying on a pair of jeans, and having them fit great everywhere (legs, butt, hips, etc.) and then noticing the extra hanging over the front, not because they don’t fit but because that skin refuses to spring back. It’s frustrating, it’s depressing, embarrassing…

But I will probably never get rid of it. And that’s life.

I am four and a half years post-pregnancy, and I am still slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am stuck with this body now, and I will never look like I did at 18. I will always have my battle scars (no one is actually sure if the skin will repair itself that deep), and I refuse to get surgery to remove the extra (you aren’t supposed to have more children afterwards, and I don’t want to limit that decision when I’m still so young). I don’t know if anyone really ever fully comes to terms with what they look like after having a baby, but I get more confident every day. My boyfriend is constantly telling me I am gorgeous, and little by little I start to believe it. I finally broke down and bought a bikini last year, and I rocked it like I was 16 again. I am happier to have my son and watch him grow everyday and know that I made him than I ever was in my favorite hip huggers.

And isn’t that what life is supposed to be about?

Only my partner could love this… before, during and after. (Terri)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 15 Comments

20 years of age
1 pregnancy, 1 birth to a beautiful baby girl
Baby’s aged 7 weeks.

Whilst I was pregnant I always thought that after the baby was born I could just do a couple of sit ups and i’d get my body back the way it was before. I was applying baby oil religiously every night for the whole of my pregnancy in ingnorance of hoping that
it would prevent stretch marks and I regularly went out for walks to help prevent the belly. Oh how ignorance was bliss! I didn’t get stretch marks on my stomach so I was fooled into thinking i’d be one of the lucky ones. Nope! A couple of days after my baby
was born I got them all over my stomach, all over my boobs and on my thighs. I didn’t even dare look at my bum and look at the dreaded cellulite! Now I find that as much as I love my little bundle of joy I absolutley hate my new body. My confidence now has
a huge dent in it and no matter what my partner says about my body (all of it positive) I still can’t see what he sees. All I see is the rolls of fat when I bend over to my now saggy chest. I’m no longer the confident woman I once was. I get annoyed at everyone
telling me I should be proud because it carried my baby because I was fooled into thinking I should look like all of those celebs that lose it no matter what. I am proud! But I just want to be me again not mum! Even though I am very proud to be a mum.
And also although I am back in my size 8 clothes I can’t help but notice that I now have a bit of skin hanging over my jeans :( And I also would LOVE to have another baby but this has made me scared about what would happen to my body after I have that one.

Mid-Thirties Mom of Two (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 12 Comments

2 pregnancies, 2 births
3 years post-partum

Pregnancy was harder on my mind than on my body. I hated that my body was no longer my own to do with as I pleased. Post-partum, I hated that breastfeeding completely changed the look of my breasts, leaving me lopsided. I was resentful every time I looked in the mirror or passed a window, every time I tried on clothes.

With my 35th birthday looming, something inside of me changed. I’m turning 35. I’m supposed to be an adult. Where is that self-acceptance that everyone talks about? So I decided to find it. And, in my search, I found the beautiful women on this site. You have all inspired me to love myself, to embrace my body, and to be proud of what it has done. I’m now a content 35 year old mom of two, who just happens to have uneven breasts. But who cares? I’m a mother.

Motherhood is Empowering (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

I am 40 years old in this photo. After 7 pregnancies, I am blessed to be the mother of an 11-year-old, an 8-year-old and a 6-year-old. Being a mother has taught me to take ownership of my life and my place in this world, and to be the best woman I can be in every way. I work hard to stay fit and healthy, yet I have stretch marks and extra skin like any other mother, and I embrace it all because I know that my daughters take their cues from me and will see themselves accordingly. I strive to inspire them the way they inspire me!

Never Beautiful Enough (Savannah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 10 Comments

Age:19/ 4.5 months postpartum
Pregnancies: 1 birth/ 1 miscarriage

It must have been prom night that my son was concieved. Even though my boyfriend and I did not go to prom (in order to save money for a trip to Jamaica) we did look forward to the after parties. The alcohol mixed with the graham crackers and the self-serve packets of tingling lube made for a dizzy night conducive of baby-making. I was just 18 years old. Slim, but not skinny. Athletic, measuring 5’7″ and weighing in at roughly 125. I started lifting weights at 15 years old, and at some point went from 135 lb to an unhealthy 112, then evening out at 125 lbs. I am happy to say, that at 4 months post-partum, I am weighing 122 lbs. I feel sexy, but not satisfied. I am grateful to have almost no stretchmarks on my stomach, but I definitely have flab in places that I do not ever remember having flab. I was not one of those lucky women who could put on their pre-pregnancy jeans right after giving birth. I went into labor at 181 lbs and left the hospital somewhere between 160-165 lbs after giving birth to a healthy 7lb 15oz baby boy. If I could give any pregnant woman (or new mom) advice on how to get back into shape it would be this:

1) Get a jogging stroller. This thing SAVED MY LIFE. My boyfriend and I work out a system on the weekends where he watches the baby while I sleep an extra 2 hours, and then when I wake up, I take the baby for a jog so that my boyfriend can have some quiet time.

2) Get a girdle. This is going to sound crazy, but I started wearing a girdle 1 week post-partum because my belly was really saggy. It actually hurt to sleep on my side because it felt like my skin was really heavy. I endorse the “Slimming Waist Cincher Shaper” by Leonisa. At first it was really tight and uncomfortable, but in a matter of days I could put it on without sucking my belly in. I was so happy with my results with the size medium that I went on to purchase a size small.

3) Breastfeed. Being a teen mom, I *almost* gave up breastfeeding due to the excruciating pain. But I found it WAY too hard to clean bottles and mix formula in the middle of the night. In my opinion, I lost a lot of weight by breastfeeding not because it burns calories (that’s just a plus), but because I was more conscious about what I ate knowing that my son was getting a taste of it.

4) Try to walk ASAP. I started walking half a mile to school 4 days after giving birth. This really helped me get some fresh air and not be cooped up with the baby. I would not reccomend “excercising”, though. I waited 6 weeks before attempting to go jogging (and I had to stop after about one block).

5) Lift heavy weights. When you get the “okay” from your doctor, I highly recommend getting into a weight-lifting routine. Weight lifting is really what helps me maintain muscle while boosting my metabolism. Muscle burns more calories than fat, so if you do a muscle-building workout, you will burn more calories in your regular day-to-day activities. Also, weight lifting, will NOT make you bulky. Too many women think muscle=manly body and this is simply not true!

6) Buy inspiration clothes. Before my baby was born I bought a few dresses that were my pre-pregnancy size. This really helped me look forward to wearing these clothes and set goals for losing my baby weight. Also, after having my baby, I refused to let myself purchase clothing that would fit before I got down to my pre-pregnancy weight. Since I had hardly any cute outfits to match my cute baby, I did not “get comfortable”, I guess you could say.

I have attached a few pictures, hope you enjoy!
First three: 4 months post partum. A bikini photo pre-pregnancy at 117 lbs. My handsome guy at 4.5 months.

Saggy skin, stretch marks, and a baby boy! (Ashley E)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 2 Comments

(age) 19 years old
(# of pregnancies & births) 2 pregancies and 1 birth
(post-partum) 5 Weeks

I am 5 foot 2 inches tall. Before pregnancy I weighed 114 pounds. I gained 37 pounds, making me 153 pounds by the end of pregnancy. I had a scheduled c-section due to my son being breech. Two weeks PP I lost 20 pounds making me weigh 133 pounds. At four weeks PP I weighed 123 pounds. I haven’t weighed since then because I am weighing myself every two weeks, but my total weight loss is 30 pounds and I have 7 pounds to go before I am back to pre-pregnancy weight. I plan on starting yoga and pilates soon to lose the extra pounds and tighten up a bit. I had a lot of extra skin the first few weeks but I guarantee I’ve lost at least one pant size since my loose skin has slowly started tightening again. Oh! And I can button a couple of pairs of pants now others I have to wear a belly band still but I think that’s helping to flatten my belly!

Underneath My Clothes (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

I was a 5’3″, 115 pound 23 year old with an hourglass figure when I got pregnant with my son. My teeny tiny (22 inches!) waist and flat tummy were my pride. I diligently slathered all kinds of creams all over my belly from the day I got a positive test. I ate a diet high in fruits, vegetables and whole grains. By 37 weeks along, I was starting to think maybe, just maybe I had escaped stretch marks. Ha! They popped up like crazy in the next 4 weeks.

I vaginally gave birth to a 10 pound, 23.5 inch baby boy 6 days after my due date. The weight came off quickly and I wore my pre pregnancy clothes out of the hospital. Everyone told me how great I looked. Well, that’s because they can’t see under my clothes. What they hide causes me untold amounts of distress. The pooch and skin folds, the love handles, the ugly, hideous stretch marks that cover my formerly beautiful mid-section. When I see myself, I can’t help but cry and feel gross.

I feel terrible about myself. I feel sorry for my husband, who only got to have a sexy wife for a few months (ours was a honeymoon baby). He says he still thinks I’m hot and not to worry about it, but I can’t help it. I’m a little bit heartbroken.

I’m 7 months post partum, now. That means only 2 months left until the whole “9 months on, 9 months off” rule has run out. I wish desperately that I could afford a personal trainer, but I can’t. I tried running for a bit and then an old knee injury from dancing reared it’s ugly head and I can’t do that (or much of any exercise) now. I’d like a 2nd child, but I’m terrified of what further damage would be done to my body, as terrible and vain as that sounds.

The first photo is of me right before getting pregnant. The rest are what I look like now, 7 months after having my son.

People say I look great, but underneath my clothes is where the truth lies. The ugly truth.

It’s a Fair Trade (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, D-MER, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 10 Comments

~ Age: 27
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 year old and 6 month old

I love my life! I have an amazing, supportive husband and two adorable little boys who I get to spend everyday with as a stay-at-home-mom. We live in a quaint home in a peaceful neighborhood with family close by. It’s wonderful that they can share with us the joys of raising our children.

It’s been a lot of ups and downs in our mere 3.5 years of marriage, including losing our first pregnancy; a missed miscarriage confirmed at 10 weeks. It was a difficult three weeks as we waited for my body to pass the pregnancy naturally but in that time my husband and I grew very close and became certain in our decision to start a family. Fortunately, following the miscarriage, I was very lucky to have two complication free pregnancies (although physically they weren’t easy to get through) and relatively easy and uneventful vaginal deliveries. The crowning moment of my life was when the doctor told me to look down and to take my youngest son by the armpits. I pulled him from me, up to my chest and we met for the first time. I said “Hi baby” and his gaze, while I’m sure quite fuzzy, managed to meet incrediby intensely with mine. In that moment I knew the world and our family was complete.

I read and hear about other women’s stories and journeys into motherhood and I feel so blessed that I have been able to escape many of their difficulties. Yet, there is still a pain I am living with. It’s like a nagging that plagues my mind every second of every day. A nagging that I’m not good enough, not perfect enough. I’m not the wife or mother or housekeeper that I should be. I should be better with money, better with my diet, better about reading to my kids, the list goes on and on. Part of this little voice has always been there in the back of my head, the other part is a little monster that has risen out of PPD and D-MER.

Most people are knowledgeable about post-partum depression, but not with D-MER, so I will explain. D-MER, short for Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, refers to mood swings created from the drop in dopamine that triggers a milk letdown while breastfeeding. What this means is that every time my son latches on, I get an intense feeling of panic, dread, guilt, frustration, annoyance, etc. The feelings change and are never the same from episode to episode. I have found that these negative feelings that ebb and flow many times throughout the day, along with PPD and sleep deprivation make it very hard to maintain a strong sense of self. I battle my demons with positive thoughts and some help from an antidepressant. I don’t win every battle but so far I am winning the war. Breastfeeding is very important to me and I didn’t want to stop because of this stupid thing called D-MER, so I keep fighting and try to keep winning. I have always had good self esteem and a healthy body image but the physical and emotional toll of bringing my babies into the world and nourishing them has made the negative voices creep in. ‘I’m not good enough. If I was skinnier and fitter then maybe I will be good enough’.

Most days I’m pretty certain that I will get a tummy tuck and a boob lift when we can save the money for it. On my better days I can look past the sagging skin and simply accept that this is the new me. In the mean time I’m trying to lose weight and get in shape. I ran my first 5k a few weeks ago!! Ok, well, I walked half of it. But never in my life did I think I would complete a 5K and I did it just 5 months after having my second baby in less then 2 years!

Currently I weigh 167 lbs. I started both my pregnancies at 174 lbs and got up to 194 lbs with my first and 202 lbs with my second. My current goal weight is 155. I could get down to 135 which is where I was in college, but who am I kidding, I’d rather be a little pudgy and get to enjoy all the tasty food life has to offer then be skinny and have to miss out, lol!

At the end of the day, I’m not thrilled with my body but I have so much in my life to be thankful for so I choose not to stress about it. I have an openhearted and inquisitive toddler who bring so much fun into my life and my 6 month old is a ball of smiles and laughs. I have a husband who is my soul mate and who loves me even at my worst. Those are the only things that really matter in this world. If I have to put up with a little sagging skin for all of that, I’ll call it a fair trade :)

I’m hoping that by sharing my far from perfect body it will help other women feel more comfortable with theirs.

Picture 1: Nursing
Picture 2: What happens when I pull the sag out :(
Picture 3: Side view
Picture 4: The hips that gave me easy deliveries
Picture 5: You can see I just fed on my left side, lol

Updated here.

Afraid of Second Pregnancy (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 11 Comments

First: I am very grateful for this site, it has helped me so much to accept my body.
Second: I’m not a native English speaker, I’m trying my best but don’t be surprised if you find some mistakes. :-)

Age: 25
Pregnancies: 2
Births: 1
18 months pp, 7 weeks pregnant

I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t planned but I knew from the very first moment that I would keep the baby and my boyfriend also accepted the thought of becoming a dad. My pregnancy was relatively easy, some morning sickness, some back pain, but nothing serious. I liked my growing bump and my body until I found out that my boyfriend watched porn. I mean I knew that he had done this before but during my pregnancy it had gotten crazy, I couldn’t leave the room without him switching on the computer and starting his little films. I asked him to stop it but he didn’t. He refused to have sex with me, kept watching porn instead and it shattered my self esteem. I started hating being so big. Then at 35 weeks I discovered the first stretch marks on my belly. Somehow I always thought I wouldn’t get them because my mother didn’t get one with two pregnancies. I hated my body and cried a lot and I was so relieved when my water broke at 38 weeks. I had to be induced and labor was hell, after 15 hrs my son was finally born with 3000g (6.61 lbs) and 49cm (19.29 inches). The next day I saw that the underside of my belly was covered in purple stretch marks. I was disgusted, I had never seen a woman with stretch marks before.

Losing the weight (I had gone up from 57kg (125 lbs) to 73kg (161 lbs)) was no problem thanks to breastfeeding and also I started working out again 2 months after I had given birth. But I still hated my saggy boobs (I got shrinking stripes on them when I stopped breastfeeding after 10 months. SHRINKING stripes!), the extra skin on my belly and, most of all, my stretch marks. Nobody in my family has them, neither do my friends, they were all like “Didn’t you use moisturizer?”. Of course I did, several times a day. My boyfriend said things like “They will go away, right? You will go back to normal, right?” Um, no. They just recently faded, they were purple for months. Hating my body, dealing with my bf’s ongoing addiction to porn, having a baby that cried endlessly – I hated my life. I think I might have developed a depression, but I never went to the doctor to have it confirmed or treated.

Those dark months eventually passed, my boyfriend finally understood that he was seriously hurting me (I had started to cut myself, something I hadn’t done since my teenage years), my son stopped crying all day and all night long and I felt better overall.

Although I am still the only person I know that has developed stretch marks during pregnancy, I finally came to terms with my body. It could have been worse. They are not all over my belly. I still don’t like to see myself in the mirror and I’m not sure if I will wear a bikini this summer (or ever again), but at least I don’t cry over my body constantly anymore (only on bad days).

And now I’m pregnant again. It was planned this time and I am currently 7 weeks along. I am terribly afraid of getting more stretch marks, since I already know that my genetics suck when it comes to this. I hope I can avoid them by limiting my weight gain to 20 lbs and working out a lot. I am currently 53kg (117 lbs) at 167cm (5.48 ft). I go to the gym 3-4 times a week and hope I can keep this routine up as long as possible. In my first pregnancy I stopped working out when I was 7 months along because I had 2 jobs and went to the university and just didn’t find the time to go to the gym regularly. Hopefully I’ll be more disciplined this time!

Pictures:
I don’t have any prepregnancy pictures of my belly because I never really liked my body.
#1: 36 weeks pregnant. First stretch marks visible.
#2 and #3: me now, 18 months pp and 7 weeks pregnant

Updated here.