Original entry here.
My son is now 6 and a half months old and feel worse the ever about my body. I love my son so much and feel so guilty for hating my body as it carried him for for 40+11 weeks. My body created a beautiful 10 lb 10oz baby boy but I can’t accept it. I feel like at 19 years old my body is ruined. The worst thing is I know I’m being stupid but I can’t help it. I don’t understand how over women do it.
When I was pregnant with my son, I hated my body. I hated the clothes I had to wear, I hated looking in the mirror, I hated being naked. My husband was always very loving, but I had always believed that beautiful was skinny. Beautiful was not a pregnant woman. The evening before my son, Tristan, was born my husband begged me to take one photograph. I, after much some complaining, agreed. I thought it was awful. The next evening I had my son, he was perfect. A few months later I came across the picture taken the evening before he was born. Somehow afterwards, it was awful anymore, I came to see it as beautiful. I wished I could share it, but its naked and so exposed. No one could possibly want to see a naked pregnant woman, I was ashamed of it. After a few months, it grew on me. I showed it to some very close friends, they loved it. I had never imagined anyone liking the look of a fat pregnant woman, but they did. Its since grown on me, I love it. My only complaint now is I wish I had taken more. The body I have may not be the body I ever wanted, but the two children it produced are worth so much more then a body, and are worth every single stretch mark and extra pound. I love my mommy body.
i’ve been visiting this site for nearly two years now and, since the beginning, i’ve wanted to submit my story. i am a 30 year old mother to two sons, aged 3 and 18 months. we are currently expecting our third baby, through international adoption. my husband and i were married in june of 2004, and two months later we found out that we were pregnant with our first child. i was, on my wedding day, *thinner* than i’d ever been since high school, weighing about 135 pounds at 5’7″. very quickly, in pregnancy, (many thanks to emotional eating coupled with milkshakes, and peanut butter m&ms) i gained nearly 80 pounds. somehow, i thought that all of my pregnancy weight would just “melt away.” my lowest weight between baby number 1 and baby number 2 was 152 pounds. now, a year and a half after the birth of our second child, i weigh about 13 more pounds than i did the day we were married, when i was at my *thinnest.* today, i am stronger than ever before. in may, i completed my first half marathon (something i NEVER could have done when i weighed 135 pounds.) i’ve run over 500 miles in the past year. i’m currently training for another 13.1 mile race, and i’m working towards a 200 mile, 10 person relay. while i don’t absolutely love the body that i see in the mirror every single day (especially not its stretch marked tummy or “pancake-y” breasts) i stand in awe of what it has accomplished; my body carried two strong, healthy baby boys to 41 weeks and 2 days (each!), it endured two natural childbirths (the first one totaling about 20 hours, with nearly 4 hours of drug free pushing!), it’s nourished and sustained and comforted and carried and protected two amazing little boys who are in love with every single inch of their mama. and, it’s being loved now, by my husband, like it’s thinner self never would have dreamed possible. (my body truly is a wonderland.) as i wait, now, for my third child to come home to us, i realize that there is so much more to the shape of a mother than her outstretched stomach, her rippled thighs, her c-section scar or her wrangled belly button. what’s more important are the marks left, the changes made, inside of her. while i may not be showing, my heart is fully expecting.
I was 31 when my son was born. I had spent, easily, 25 years feeling fat, feeling overweight, feeling shy about my shape. As a teenager, I fluctuated between 15-30lbs more than was “recommended” by doctors at the time (5’4″-5’5″ and 130-145lbs). Then I met and married my husband, who is in no way shy about admiring me.
I won’t say this changed my self consciousness. In fact, I gained weight after we married and despite constant reassurance, I felt undesirable and sad about my appearance. I’ve always carried my weight in my stomach, the classic apple-on-toothpicks physique, and it didn’t help that I have a deep, 4-5″ wide appendectomy scar, but if I could shield my tummy with a loose shirt everything else was okay. But now, everything started to look bigger and was definitely not okay.
So this is where I was when we conceived our son. I was so happy to be pregnant! I suffered some morning sickness, the usual aches and pains, and went through a lot of therapy in order to make sure that my personal issues wouldn’t be a psychological hurdle to my long-dreamed of home birth. But really? The best part? I could stop worrying about how fat I was! For years, I’d had the “when are you due? Oh, I’m so sorry, I thought you were pregnant” comments. Well, now I was! I was so happy. I stopped worrying about how much I ate or how much fat I consumed. I had developed a pretty healthy diet over time, so that was not a concern. The excuse to nurture my baby gave me permission to be good to myself and feel good about myself without feeling guilty.
I was disappointed that I felt I didn’t look pregnant for the longest time. My baby belly was hidden under my belly fat. Finally I began to show, and yes, my belly now looks like many pictured here, a round mound of ribbed wobbliness in the middle of a saggy tummy. I weighed 165lbs when I conceived, and (yes, I was deep down glad of this) when I delivered him I weighed 198, and remember being glad I didn’t break 200. Even though I wasn’t watching the scale. Even though all that mattered was my son’s health. Even though I was healthy. Two lousy pounds and I was suddenly a slave to an arbitrary, conventionalized scale system! Sigh. I don’t have too many more stretch marks; most of mine are old, from pre-pregnancy, and present, but silvered by time. I don’t think about them much. I worry more about varicose veins (it’s the curse of the apple-figured, and I’m seeing a few more and more and am more selfconscious in shorts now).
My son is 5. When he turned 2 I began to worry about my weight again. I fight with myself, swinging wildly between anxiety and fear, and self-confidence and calm. One day is good, I feel motherly and earthy and sensuous and full of fun, but a few days later I feel matronly and doughy and dull. I’m afraid the latter is more often the rule, and I hate shopping, though I love clothes. Everything is so tight-fitted and belly-focused!
One thing that has struck me is how arbitrary a lot of this feels. As soon as I’m given permission and a reason that I honor with all my heart (pregnancy) I stop worrying about the “outlines” in which I’m supposed to inhabit and allow myself its organic shape. When my son’s friends’ mothers weaned their children and began to talk about “getting in shape” I became aware again, agitated, and yearned for the peace I felt when the conversations were less about body shape and size and more about what those bodies could do. Suddenly I remembered feeling like the Fat One. It’s hard to shake. But when I cuddle with my husband, or when I hold my son, or nurse him (yes, he’ll be five soon, and it brings him such joy to have that special time with me), I am so glad that whatever I feel, what they see and feel when they are with me brings them happiness. That’s healing, whatever else. But I do wish that I could feel the way I did when I was pregnant, the feeling I imagined that most “normal-sized” women feel all the time (and yes, I realize that even now, at 5”5″ and 165, size 14, I’m overweight but not too far off average)–the feeling of being good right where I was, and not comparing myself to anyone else. It was wonderful.
I had my little boy july 31, ’08. 2 months after my 21 birthday. He is my world. I appreciate him coming into my life because he saved me from myself. He made me into the best person I can be, and I will always be indebted to him for that! I started out at 140lbs (I’m 5’8) and when I delivered I was 212 pounds! yikes! lol. I have stretch marks~even on the back of my knees!~and my tummy is not tight anymore, but I don’t have any regrets! But that doesn’t mean some days I don’t miss my old body!
Well here goes nothing… My name is Rachel I’m about to be 21 I have 2 wonderful kids A boy that is 3 and a girl 1. I had my son when I was 17 ( yes i was married and got married at 16 ) and i hated my body after I had him and made me feel even worse on the inside when I had to stop breast feeding my son.. he was allergic to my milk and when my breast milk dried up Osaw all I never wanted to see small raisin like boobies….and then my Husband who had been in Iraq got his 2 weeks leave and I never took off my clothing with out the room being pitch black… but in afew months time I went back down from 166lbs to my 120lbs self and that made me happy!
Two years later we made another baby she is now one and im 130lbs and have grown to love my body breast in all… I am who I am a MOM !!! and i love all that comes with it even the slobber kisses an dthe sleepless nights and the dirty nappys.. Muah love to all you other moms you are all beautiful!
View my original entry here.
When my son was born 5 weeks early, with severe IUGR and weighing only 3lbs, I was angry. It was all my body’s fault. I learned not long after submitting my original entry that my heart was struggling with the pregnancy and I had developed pregnancy induced hypertension. My placenta was only 2/3 the size it should have been, because my heart wasn’t pumping adequate blood supply to it. I was hospitalized, medicated, and watched 24 hours a day. I was in danger of a stroke or toxemia.
I lost 25lbs of baby weight in 4 weeks. Breastfeeding for 5 months combined with healthy eating took off another 20lbs. Since then I’ve lost about 5-6lbs more, for a total weight loss of 51lbs since I delivered 8 months ago.
My body is healthier now than it has been in years. I went from a 12 before becoming pregnant to an 8 post-partum, and I’m still slowly losing (in spite of weaning my son – I pumped exclusively for 5 months because he was unable to latch.) It made a baby to the best of its abilities – we couldn’t have known that my heart wouldn’t like pregnancy. After all, I was only 26 years old, no health complications, and I should have been low risk.
It’s hard for me to get to know this new body — it’s smaller, and I feel good physically. I can see changes in my appearance, and I have greater confidence in spite of the breasts that have flattened out (thanks to breastfeeding!) and that crease from hip to hip. I have a love-hate relationship with it — I love that it’s smaller and that I’m wearing a size 8. I hate that it is not good at being pregnant, and that I’m not sure if I can ever have more babies.
It’s a day by day process — I can easily accept the stretchmarks all over my breasts and thighs, but I’m having a harder time with the unknown of what will happen if I try to conceive again. Another pregnancy could be fatal — to the baby, to me, or to both of us. I don’t know the risk yet, but it’s there.
For mommies who grieve the loss of their bodies through pregnancy, try to remember the beauty of your children. You are SO BLESSED. Look back on your uncomplicated pregnancies, your chubby healthy babes, and the exciting potential of more amazing little ones in the future. You have much to celebrate!
Updated here.
My beautiful, rewarding, amazing son was born ten months ago. I wanted him, but had no idea how much my life, including my body would change. Most of the changes are awesome. Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from post part em depression. I see this site and think I am being heartless and selfish for complaining about the way I look. I am just having a difficult time coping. I feel like I do not have the time or motivation to work out. My husband is big into fitness and is always at the gym and eating right. I try to watch what I eat, but sometimes I just give up and feel like I am always going to look like this. My boobs fell, my nipples are enormous, my butt fell,my arms wave that “thing” with the slightest motion, and I still have about fifteen pounds of baby fat left. I am only 22 and when I get the chance to go visit old friends and we are getting dressed for the evening, looking at them hurts. I remember looking like that and I envy their bodies. I want to love my body, but the truth is I don’t…I obsess over my naked body and how I wish it looked. The women on this site are amazing and I hope to gain the kind of hope and confidence they possess. My husband tells me Im beautiful all the time and that he loves how I look. I just get so jealous and hurt even when a Victoria’s Secret commercial comes on. I am secretly hoping he does not notice because I do not want him to see them and wish I looked like that..my son is so worth this pain I feel, I just feel like I am in a slump that I can’t get out of..all i want to do is sleep all day. I love my life, I just don’t enjoy shopping anymore or getting ready to go out..am I cold? Is this normal? Almost a year..I just want to loose the 15 pounds or so..advice please!
Hi everyone just wanted to let you know IT IS possible to get a great body after baby…this is my stomach after about a year of having my kid..and my kid was 10 pounds! im five ten and now 122 pounds…i worked out all through my pregancy too and used Vichy stretch cream on my belly all the time…i have NO stretch marks either, i didnt allow myself to eat any junk during the entire pregancy…So yes, it is possible to look great after having a baby, i think i look better after haiving kids…though i wish i could have kept the huge boobs! lol
I recently just had my second child, a precious little girl a couple weeks ago. After I had my first child in 2006, I submitted photos to this site. Now after my second I am sending updated ones. With both pregnancies I gained 30lbs, starting out each time around 130. I am currently down to 145, but it is harder this time to lose the weight. I had a csection with both, so my scar is pretty obvious, but I’m ok with that. I think of it as a “smiley face” where my children came out of. I want to say thanks for this website, it is so amazing!
