Second Pregnancy

After-Baby Belly Consuming My Thoughts (Jade)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 15 Comments

Age-24
Number of pregnancies\births-2 one natural one c section

Hello everyone! My name is Jade. First and foremost i have to say this site is pretty awesome. Its not everyday that we see what the bodies of real mothers look like without being photo-shopped or distorted by media. Its really sad, but its great that someone thought of this site and there are so many awesome mamas that put our bodies out there to share with each other.

I’m 24, have two amazing kids (5 and 2) an amazing supportive husband, awesome friends, but a major issue with my post pregnancy body. I am petite and always liked my body but had my issues (aka stupid teenager thought i was fat, how i wish i still had that body\skin UGH!) Anyway i had my first child young right out of high school and needless to say, she tore my skin to pieces. I had the worst stretch marks i had seen on anyone. They are not as red anymore but deep, silvery scars, across the bottom of my stomach like a belt to my hips around to my butt. Now i hadn’t seen alot other then my moms who i didn’t see alot either but i was only 19. Didn’t get alot more with my second child thank god. My issue is, i am OBSESSED with how much i hate my stretch marks\loose skin. I see myself as a 300 lb women when i look in the mirror. I’m just disgusted. I know I could look worse but its just depressing. When i see other young women wearing a midriff bearing top or bikini it makes me green with envy. I look at my beautiful healthy kids and say to myself it is all so worth it and it is. Its just hard. Why did I have to get stretch marks and other women did not. To make things worse I have tried every remedy in the book and nothing is working. I want to start working out and get down to my 112 pre pregnancy weight I’m about 124 right now. I am hoping maybe that will make me feel a little better but i don’t think it will. i feel so vain even saying these things but they take over my thoughts daily. In the shower, when I’m getting dressed. I just wish they would disappear. I am so tired of feeling this way. Its so hard because i feel like even if i was in great shape, i will never look good in a bikini because of my skin. My husband tells me he is not even bothered by them, but i have a really hard time believing it. Does anyone else feel this way or have any experience with fraxel laser resurfacing? Its basically my last resort because at this point i am considering a tummy tuck. I dont know if I can be happy anymore with my body. Thank you for reading my story and I am hoping that my attitude towards my body will change, one day.

I have never shown my body in this way to anyone, not even my husband. I am hoping this will make me feel better by just putting myself out there to women who would understand. First picture is what my tummy looks like in flattering lighting. Second is my scarred belly. Third is when I sit down (loose skin) and 4th is my horrible stretch marks on my hip (they are like this on both sides)

Almost Six Years Later (Rianon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Age: 24
Number of children: 2
Daughter: 5 1/2 and my son is 21 months

Previous post here.

I posted my first entry 3 1/2 years ago after I discovered this amazing site. Reading it again now, I realize how different my views have changed about pregnancy, childbirth, and what it means to be beautiful as a woman.

When I wrote my first post I was a 21 year old mother of a daughter. I was incredibly insecure and vain (I’m still vain but no where near as insecure as I once was.) I obsessed about my stretch marks and boobs and butt, and if I gained a pound my world was a catastrophe. I felt that women should always try to be beautiful and wondered why we would have to get stretch marks and saggy skin when we had children. I moved to Texas a couple months after I posted it and got pregnant with my son the next year in 2011. I was terrified my entire pregnancy that my breasts (and breast augmentation) were going to be ruined and that my stomach would explode into a mass of stretch marks. I gained 27lbs during pregnancy weighing in at about 142lbs at delivery (I’m 5’2). I lost all my baby weight thanks to breastfeeding and stress within the next three months and was down to 111lbs in no time. However I still thought I looked bad, I thought my arms were chunky and that my stomach looked like an a deflated balloon.

Then something horrible and amazing happened. My husband and me went through a extremely rough patch and I took a couple of classes on feminism. It completely blew my mind. I had always considered myself a feminist but getting in depth into the history of feminism in the United States and learning how women are systemically taught to hate everything natural about ourselves really got to me. When my husband and I were at the brink of almost falling apart it also dawned on me that no matter how much I obsessed about my appearance and how beautiful a woman makes herself it doesn’t really matter. Beauty doesn’t come from the outside and when its cheap and vain it isn’t true. I was faced with new ideas about what being a women really means, and what being a mother means. It is hard being a feminist and a mother in our society. We are faced with cultural expectations of sexuality and modesty, being a mother and being a woman. I started looking at my body in a completely different way and I started thinking about WHY we women put these unrealistic standards on ourselves? Men don’t care about a little cellulite and stretch marks and if they do they aren’t worth it anyways. Only WOMEN care! Why do we torture ourselves if no one else but ourselves are judging us? Our society allows men to pick apart women like meat and we are taught to expect it. Have you noticed that we will sit around and dissect female celebrities by bits and pieces but never have I heard a woman say: “Oh I like Channing Tatum’s arms but he has a weird stomach.”

Men are afforded this luxury while women feel we have to apologize for so called “flaws” like stretch marks, softer breasts and love handles. I am an aspiring photographer and every single beautiful girl I have taken pictures of complains about something on her body. It goes to show you that no matter how perfect we think another woman is, she still feels flawed. That is what we are taught, and the only way to fight back is to not accept it.

Although I still feel self conscious from time to time I have decided to own my own feelings about my body. I don’t allow anyone else to tell me how to judge myself. Its a struggle but I accept it more and more everyday. My husband tells me he thinks I’m beautiful and I believe him. My stomach and boobs have stretch marks and I care less and less everyday. Now I wear bikinis to the beach and guess what? It feels great.

Wrecked (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Children with Health Complications, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 19 Comments

Hello

I have enjoyed and found support in reading many of these entries for quite some time and finally felt like I should share my story.

I have two beautiful children, a son who is now 5 and a 17 month old baby girl.
With my first pregnancy it was quite a shock. I was 24 and had only been married 4 months. I was on the pill when I got pregnant and was shocked and upset when I found out. I did not feel ready in any way. We were newly married, I was finishing school, we hasn’t even gone on a honeymoon yet! I cried for weeks. Finally I was beginning to accept it when we found out something was wrong-he had a condition called gastrochesis, a rare condition where the abdomen doesn’t close so all his intestines, stomach etc were outside his body. Anyways to make a long story short it was a rough pregnancy and a very rough beginning to life and parenthood. He was in the hospital for months, surgeries etc.

Body wise though, I didn’t gain much weight, did not get stretch marks and bounced back immediately. Due to stress I lost additional weigh and was skinnier then ever.

When I got pregnant with my daughter it was a different experience. We were trying to conceive this time and the pregnancy went smoothly. I gained a ton of weight-got close to 200 pounds at delivery and she was 8.14, a big healthy baby! I got stretch marks on my breasts and a few on my hips. I still have at least 10-15 pounds that won’t come off. I hate my love handles. I love my kids more then anything but it depresses me to look in the mirror and I don’t see my flat toned stomach or perky boobs anymore. Then the other day at work I ran into the seamstress who did alterations on my wedding dress. She said ” wow kids sure wrecked your body. You used to be so skinny!” I cried all night over that comment, I’ve never felt so hurt.

I want to feel sexy and beautiful again, sometimes I still do, but I guess it’s going to take time to accept myself.

-anonymous, aged 31

080513-anon-1

My Body After Two Kids (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 6 Comments

I’m 37, and my girls are aged 5 and 2.

I was worried with each of my pregnancies that I would find it hard to get back in shape; or that my body would be radically changed. You go through so many changes when you’re pregnant that it’s hard to see how you will ever go back to normal. But, I came out of it ok. I try to exercise whenever I can, even it its just taking the girls for a walk or doing sit ups in front of TV. I used to go to weights class but had such bad pubis symphasis pain that I don’t want to do the heavy squats and lunges anymore; I feel a twinge of the pain in my pelvis whenever I have to out my back into pushing something, like a heavy door or piece of furniture. With my second girl I had a caesarian, I have a small ridge just above my pubic bone but it is nothing too bad. For various medical reasons I will have an elective section if we have a third child, and I wonder what the effect of a second section will do to my tummy.

I used this site when I was pregnant to seek reassurance, and I hope this give some reassurance back to other mums. I’ve included a picture of me the day before I went into labour with my second.

Apart from the pelvic pain, the main change has been to my breasts. They are not as large or full as they were – I feel like the bloom has gone off them! I breastfed noth my girls til they were two though, so some change is to be expected.

Here We Go Again (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 9 Comments

Round 2…. as the bell dings in my head im prepared to fight, unfortunately, my inner self on what most of us on here know as that little voice that says, ” your body is ruined now…look at all those stretch marks…do my boobs really hang that low…how is that even possible?” yes that dreaded post partum voice. It isn’t easy to get on here and to share how I really feel deep down.. that dark inner part of me I don’t want anyone to see. Because then they would see just how much I hate myself. Im scared of what this second pregnancy will bring..how many more stretch marks will I have..how much more will my boobs sag..will I have a stomach that will forever hang=??? I know it isn’t healthy and the thought of letting my loved ones in enough to see this hurt would worry them and why let others hurt along with me? This isnt their battle…so instead I will just share anon on here with all you beautiful woman. Whats sad is I look on here I get frustrated with these posts..I say to myself..”She has no reason to hate herself ..that body is beautiful..one of a womans!!” but who am I to say what these woman should hate or not? Lol not only do I have a deep self hate but clearly I am a pretty big hypocrite …(by now yall are probably thinking this woman shouldn’t be left to care for anyone lol) but all joking aside this website is my rock..well aside From God..i guess I should say my rock of selfishness, since im only focusing so hard on the outside. This is my pregnant body…I love it one day..hate it just the next.. I love the little life inside that im holding but hate the outside appearance and scared I will forever be a fat stretched saggy lump of skin that will turn away my husband to a greener (hotter) pasture. So with all this being said Thank you!! Tahnk you to everyone who has ever posted on here and the biggest thank you to woman who created it!!

Age : 25
Pregnancies : 2
Oldest child age : 6
Current pics right now are 6 months pregnant..

first one was CS and I will be having a CS with the second.

Low Self Esteem and Damaged (Tan)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

I still remember the joy of my first birth with my son. I was 21 years old. When I found out I was pregnant it was so exciting, but what I was not ready for was the stretch marks and the awful body that came with it. My whole life I have been physically fit. I always had a great body and prided myself on having worked so hard to look healthy. During my first birth I worked out and ran nearly every day and to no avail. Days after my joy had come into the world came the shame and disappointment. I became severely depressed and to top it off my first husband shamed me more by repeatedly looking at Porn and then saying to one of his friends, “ If I were single I would do her friend I am trying to hook you up with.” I was so embarrassed and pretended to not hear the comment. Several years went by and eventually we divorced for a multitude of reasons. After the divorce I had trouble dating and being intimate with people because of my stomach. I would wear long shirts to bed, never wore anything that was remotely form fitting, and I was embarrassed and disgusted with how other women looked at me and judged me when I would change. It has been a gut wrenching journey. I went through dating multiple people, until one guy was honest and made fun of the stretch marks that I
had during an argument and called me fat and disgusting repeatedly. I felt my pride hit an all time low. We continued dating and I eventually broke up with him. I joined the military and became even more physically fit and while in the Army met a man I really liked. We were at training together and the other women around me were trying very hard for his attention. They would tell him that I was disgusting to look at and that despite what I looked like in clothing I was an ugly and disgusting person physically. Now I know I should not let what people say hurt me and being that I am a master’s trained therapist, I did exactly what I would tell my patient’s not to do…. I allowed it to crush the last of any self- confidence I was already lacking. The guy ended up not caring about what they said and continued to date me and eventually we married. I still would never get undressed in front of him and it strongly inhibited our sex life. He would tell me it didn’t matter and that he loved me, but then I got pregnant and again I worked out every day and tried to maintain my physical fitness. I gained 23 pounds and then went into distress during my second delivery and they pumped me with fluids. I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby again. However, he doesn’t touch me like he used to anymore and I now weigh 163 lbs. I am trying hard to lose the weight, but every day I look at myself I hate what I see. To make matters worse before I gave birth to my daughter I found out that he had been contacting women via facebook to flirt with and making propositions to. I was crushed even more. He said he did it because we were having problems, but now he claims that he finds me just as attractive and beautiful and even more so because I am more curvy after having our child. I can’t get over it and I cannot let it go. It is so hard to look at myself in the mirror every day. I want to throw up at what I see and I don’t see beauty anywhere. I walk around in sweats or lounge clothes all the time because I feel so fat and disgusting and the stretch marks make it worse because they are permanent. I am so grateful for my beautiful children, but there are days that I have selfish thoughts and wish that I never had any children just so I can remember what it feels like to have self-esteem again. It’s horrible and I feel so trapped and hateful about myself. I don’t feel as if I will ever be thought of as pretty again and I don’t feel connected to my husband in any way as a result and I barely have sex anymore because all I can imagine is that he is thinking of someone else. THIS IS SAD TO WRITE and I am going to be 30 next month and I can’t find anything to love about me, but I love my kids more than life itself and I would not trade anything in the world for them.

Depressed Over Saggy Breasts (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 16 Comments

Age-22
Kids-2 one is 4 one is a year

After my first son they went back to a more perkier state after a year and a half, I was 21. Now with my second baby, I’m still breastfeeding and hoping that’s what’s weighing down and sagging my breasts. I feel so ugly and unattractive and am actually crying over them. I hate having sex with my husband, don’t want him touching them bc the feel so formless, shapeless and wrinkly and disgusting. I feel gross. My skin has thinned, my veins popping out and my skin wrinkly and saggy. I just want to know if I have hope, will they go back again? Will they ever firm, I’m only 22, lift weights, take my vitamins and take care of my skin. I just want to be sexy for myself again…..I have thought about getting a part time to pay for implants….or should I give it time bc I’m still breastfeeding. When I bend over the just hang like skinflaps and I feel so un femminine. I can’t believe I’m actually crying as I write this. My husband thinks I have mental issues and am fine, but if I don’t feel that way, I am not. I know I’m not mentally ill….I just want firmer skin on my breasts. I can’t even talk to him about this and I feel like the only mom with this problem…..I want to fix it so bad, will it ever get better, can someone give me hope? Will he thinning skin firm again? Will my breasts lift back a tad bit again after the glands loose the heavyness? My breasts have no density and I feel so envious of those moms who have firm full breasts………..ughhh I feel doomed and depressed.

My journey from flab to fab abs – I know I can do this! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Butt, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 9 Comments

When I was only 18 y/o I had my first son at 10 pounds and 22 inches. I am only 5 ft. I gained 60 pounds and wound up with nasty stretch marks. I’m now pushing 23 and it has been 4 yrs since I’ve worn a bikini. I had my daughter in june 2012. She weighed 6 lbs and left me no marks. This beginning of march 2013 I started training hard at a local gym. I do cardio and intense weight traning. I feel so let down sometimes when I look in the mirror, I hate comparing myself to friends putting sexy summer photos on their web pages. I just want to be sexy again and for my husband. My husband met me with all my marks, but hey I’m young, so why shouldn’t I get fit and prove to myself that I can do this. I’ve come a long way already….has anyone actually reduced the marks with exercise? I’m thinking of laser or bluelight therapy.

(Excuse all the upside-down photos. My computer won’t save them upright for some reason. Gah. -Bonnie)

Update – Pregnant by choice, body fears reappear. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Age 25
Pregnancies 2
One 5 year old and currently 18 weeks pregnant

Previous post here.

I was in top shape at 133 and toned and decided I wanted another baby. We are having another boy. And at 17 weeks I feel fat, and ugly… I fear that I will become depressed as I did with my first child. Worried that my body will become worse , I worry about each pound I gain, and just want to be able to work out to loose it again… I feel horrible that I’m not loving pregnancy as I do crew first time, just critical of my body all over again.

1st – progress over the two years before 2nd pregnancy last is 130 lbs
2nd photo – 1 month
3rd photo 4 months

Healing and Hopeful (Kerry)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Birth, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions, Update 15 Comments

22 years old
2 pregnancies 2 births
3 years 11 months, and 13 months PP

Most recent post here.

I’ve posted a few entries in the past, here is one, the last one was almost 2 years ago. Reading back on my posts I read the things I was trying to convince myself to believe, but wasn’t quite there yet. I thought if I wrote it and saw my pictures I might start believing it. Truthfully though, I hated my body. HATED it, though I so desperately wanted to feel beautiful. I was apprehensive about posting all of this with my name, and my face, but it is who I am.

As you can tell, if you look at the pictures in my old posts, I yo-yoed with weight, from saying I felt fabulous at 165, and then dropping 40lbs by my final entry. I’ve been wanting to write a new entry for a while now, since I started healing. So here it goes :)

I got pregnant with my second child in April 2011 (10 days after weaning my son!) we practiced NFP but he was home for 1 day in between trips and “in the moment” hormones took over. I hadn’t wanted a second child because the emotional roller coaster that happened as a result from my first pregnancy, birth, and bodily change was so horrific that I wasnt sure I would be able to handle it again. I had PPD for the first 10 months, which went untreated because I did not want to acknowledge failure, which is what I felt it was.

My husband was never that great of a guy, I had had him arrested for domestic violence and every apartment we lived in I had to patch and fix before we could move out; he had quite the temper, along with substance abuse. He had wandering eyes and blamed it on me, my lack of sex drive (3-4x a week was not enough) and my ruined body and lack of desire to get in shape to turn him on. I was told about all the beautiful girls he had been with, and since I was ruined I was lucky to have him and even if he left me I’d never find a man who would find me attractive. I didn’t want to bring another kid into the mix, I hated the fact that my son had to know this life. When I was 4 months pregnant he admitted that he had been cheating on me with my co-worker/best friend, I left him that week. I packed up what I needed, and moved my two year old son and myself into a room in my parents house. Leaving an abusive, controlling relationship was the hardest thing I ever did. I wanted so badly to go back,” I was comfortable with it, I could put up with it.. it wouldn’t get THAT much worse” thankfully I held firm and after 7 months of going to counseling individually and as a couple with elders from my church, without seeing a change on his part, I filed for divorce. God blessed me with an amazing family, and church family that supported me and encouraged me every step of the way. I had an amazing second home water birth, 4 hours of light labor and 10 minutes of intense labor. My daughter was born at 41 weeks exactly, perfect in every way :) I never got PPD after her birth, I had my placenta encapsulated and took that, but I think more of it had to do with the fact that I was in an encouraging, loving environment this time around. Fast forward a year and here I am. I’m still living with my parents, but I am a full time student going for my RN, I have two beautiful kids who are safe and do not have to see that life. I am so thankful, God is good!

That process was the beginning of my healing. Discovering that I might just be a worthwhile human being who might just be beautiful, who might just have a brain (I am maintaining a 4.0 GPA!), and who, someday, someone might truly cherish. I took the power back. I continued to eat healthy and stay active throughout my pregnancy, quitting work as a CNA at 35 weeks. I felt awesome after she was born and started the couch to 5k program when she was 3 weeks old. I was doubtful, I just wasnt a runner… I wasnt made to run. I completed my first 5k within 9 months :) I started doing crossfit when she was 7 month old and it’s pretty safe to say I’m hooked! I absolutely love working out. It’s no longer something I feel I have to do to try to look attractive, or that my body is so disgusting that its the only solution. I’m strong, I’m powerful, I’m good at what I do and I get such enjoyment out of it! Last week I deadlifted 226lbs, I failed at 130 6 months before, needless to say I was pretty happy, not stopping here though! After giving birth I lost the weight pretty quickly, and settled at 133, where I have been for the last 9 or 10 months, I eat clean (though the occasional bag of almond M&Ms and lattes have to be snuck in ;) ) I am not interesting in losing any weight, I like where I am at and feel awesome. Just love challenging my body and getting stronger and faster. I am signed up to do the Tough Mudder in May. The idea of getting married again some day and a man seeing my body still makes me a little apprehensive, not going to lie.. and I find myself second guessing things like wearing a two piece because my belly will show, but I am reading This Momentary Marriage by John Piper and there was a chapter on being naked and not ashamed, and how it was not due to perfect bodies. It doesn’t mean no stretchmarks, or “perfect” measurements, or straight teeth.. but that the love of a husband (or wife) does not see and pick apart those imperfections, but loves the spouse as a whole. I was floored. I felt hope.

Sorry this is so long, I still struggle with my saggy breasts, and stretchmarks from time to time, and Im not sure if those struggles will ever be gone for good, but I feel real, and I feel alive, and most days I feel beautiful. Over the last two years the biggest transformation is not of my body, but of my mind and soul. I cant stop smiling on the inside, or just saying “God is good, God is so good!” I am healing :) I hope that my story reaches out to at least one woman out there who can take encouragement from it.

pictures 1 & 2 are from my daughters birth
picture 3 is me deadlifting 226lbs
picture 4 is my stomach presently