Pregnant

Frustration (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 14 Comments

My story is LONG and exhausting, but I like to tell it. I hope that I can be inspiration to other females that find themselves where I was, and where I am now.

Previous to my night of conception, I was a vibrant young 20 year old female. I was nearing the end of my third year in college, I spent a lot of my time at the gym, I was coaching a high school cheering team with my best friend, I was single, and I never expected to get pregnant. In fact I was not sexually active for over a year previous to this and I wasn’t planning on being sexually active. Which explains why I was not on birth control at the time.

I took a trip to Boston with my best friend to visit my cousin and his friends. We went to a small house party with just 5 guys and my best and I. I drank quite a lot of beer and I remember taking a one shot the whole entire night. I don’t remember anything after that shot. When I woke up in the morning I was clothed and alone in a bed. I was still very drunk and felt awful. My best friend was the one who woke me and the first thing she asked was if I had sex the night before. She explained that she heard someone in the room with me and she opened the door and saw one of the guys was naked so she shut the door thinking she was interrupting. I told her there was no way I would do that because I was not using birth control. Just in case though I asked the guys. They all either denied it or said they couldn’t remember anything. My friend was sure it happened though. I kind of let it slide thinking I would be okay. A month later I was two weeks late and took a pregnancy test. I of course was pregnant. I immediately got a hold of my cousin and asked him what he knew. He told me he didn’t know anything about what happened and to ask the other guys. I sent a message to each guy at the party asking if it happened without letting them know I was pregnant. They all again denied everything. I then let them all know I was pregnant and it was for sure from that night. After I admitted my pregnancy, I never again heard from any of them. In fact my own cousin stopped speaking to me. I am pro-life and abortion was completely out of the question. After a very emotional month, I started to look into adoption.

I love my child so much, and I would be a responsible and caring mother, no question. But I wanted my child to have a father, and a permanent home, and stability. I would do the best I could and my father would be a male figure in my child’s life, but I wanted more for him. I chose to have an open adoption. I started a long journey of finding out what I had to do and how I had to do it. I found a family on Adoption.org. After speaking with their adoption agent for a while, I finally arranged to meet them in person. I fell in love with the couple I chose. They are both in their thirties, they are unable to have children, married for 8 years, and the perfect two people to raise my child. We became very close over the following 6 months of my pregnancy.

Our baby was born November 30, 2011 after 16 long hours of labor. I tried to do the birth natural. I went 12 hours pushing before the doctor came in and asked me to please have an epidural. I was so tired that I had been falling asleep in between the contractions, he felt that I would be to exhausted to push. I felt defeated and went through with the epidural. An hour later I had not progressed and the doctor came back to tell me I would have to be induced. Again I felt defeated. It was two hours later that my doctor returned and said something was wrong, the baby was not dropping and I needed to have an emergency c section. I could not stop crying. I felt like a failure as a women. For years women had babies naturally and here I was unable. Thank God for my c section though, the umbilical cord was wrapped three times around my babies neck.

The adoption process was the hardest part. I had 2 weeks of legal custody even though my baby was with his parents during that time. For almost an entire month I saw baby and the parents every day before he finally got to move home. I have never felt heartbreak like I did the day I said goodbye. Thankfully I see pictures of him daily and I will be visiting him in 3 months. I have a lot of emotions still and I feel that emptiness everyday, but I am moving forward in my life.

In picking my life back up, I am trying to get back in the shape. Previous to my pregnancy I was 132 lbs and the day I gave birth I was 170 lbs. I am now 6 weeks and 4 days pp. Due to my c section, I was unable to exercise until this week. Thankfully pumping breast milk helped me loose the majority of my weight, I am now 138 lbs. I have started to exercise again but I feel awful about how I look and how hard it is to work out. I don’t know of any other women who have had a c section outside of older women. I can’t relate with anyone my age and I am feeling hopeless…

~Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 weeks 4 days PP

Pictures:
The first picture is New Years Eve 2012.
The second is my baby and I two weeks pp.
The third is me 3 months pregnant with my best friend.
The fourth picture is me 38 almost 39 weeks.
The 5th and 6th are me at 36 weeks – pre stretch marks.
The last 3 pictures are me today at 6 weeks pp.

Resented Before He’s Even Born (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Pregnant, Submissions 21 Comments

My age – 29
4 pregnancies, 2 early miscarriages, 1 birth, currently pregnant
Oldest son is nearly 6, currently 29 weeks pregnant

Last entry here.

I came a long way since my last submission to SOAM. Back then, I was overweight (around 75kg), pretty miserable, still caught in the throes of Post Natal Depression. In the three years after that submission, I ended my relationship with my sons father, I met the love of my life who I married, and I finally lost the baby weight. In the end, it wasn’t diet and exercise that did it – I tried that. I’d exercise 5 times a week and count every calorie that went into my mouth, and I wouldn’t lose a gram. In the end it was pure starvation that did it. The constant compliments helped, the “you’re wasting away”s and “you look great”s drove me to eat less and less. I’d never felt so thin, or so good. Eventually, my eating returned to normal, and my weight fortunately stabilised at 58kg (I’m 5’3”), I felt I’d won the battle.

I had never thought I would have another baby. After giving birth to a screamer who never slept, developing the PND that nearly killed us both, and never expecting to meet anyone let alone someone who was father material, I’d all but ruled it out. When my husband came along, everything changed. He is a wonderful man, selfless and considerate, the best step father I could have ever hoped for for my son, the best husband I ever could have asked for. We started TTC in May 2010, and got our BFP in July.

Within weeks, I’d already gained back most of what I’d lost. At 29 weeks pregnant, I have gained more than 20kg over my lowest weight, tipping the scales at 79kg. I look in the mirror, and I am repulsed by what I see. In what is meant to be a wonderful time, I am resentful. Resentful of the baby who is causing this weight gain, resentful of myself for not being able to control it, resentful of my husband for wanting to have a baby in the first place. This baby moves inside me and I want to scream at it. Every time I step on the scale and see I have gained, it leaves me devastated. I walk around 20km a week as we don’t have a car, I drink 2 litres of water a day, I have an active lifestyle. I don’t eat huge meals or binge, I eat well made home cooked meals, fresh fruits and veges and whole grains. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. This baby and pregnancy feel like a punishment rather than something to be celebrated.

Every other woman out there seems to be gaining normal amounts, the worst part is reading women on internet forums complaining they haven’t gained a thing. I seem to be the only one who is struggling. My pregnant friends are positively svelte compared to me. Every pregnant woman I pass on the street looks like she stepped out of a magazine. I’m beyond devastated by how things have turned out, and my biggest worry is that this baby will be born and won’t be worth it. I’ll get another screamer. Another baby I will resent. More PND. My heart says “it’s pregnancy! enjoy it! love yourself!” but with every weigh in my mind says no, and every thing I put it my mouth fills me with guilt. Every kick pushes me deeper into resentment.

Photos – after meeting my husband but before getting pregnant; 28 weeks pregnant

Hating My Body (Shantel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 10 Comments

age 23
1 pregnancy
3.5 post partum.

I have always loved my body for the most part, I’ve always been attractive and confident. It is very difficult to see myself the way I look after I had my son because this isn’t the me that I see when I think about myself. I honestly think my belly is hideous it is the worst stomach I’ve seen out of anyone I personally know that has been pregnant. I have seen worse on the internet, but honestly not too many seem worse than mine. My boyfriend claims to not mind at all but I know he does, he rarely have sex anymore and I cant help but think its because of my stomach. I hate it and its really hard to have confidence. I weigh 124 right now i used to weigh 110 so Im really not that far off weight wise but its wrinkly and saggy :( I would wear a size 5 if it were not for my belly and i have to wear 9s.

the first picture is a nude picture of me right before I got pregnant.
the second is of me while I was VERY pregnant. not sure exactly when but it wasn’t long before I had Connor.
the rest are all of my 3.5 months postpartum.
please excuse all my clothes on the floor lol
me with clothes on
and the last is of me and my baby boy Connor

Updated here.

I Love My Body (Gwen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 5 Comments

I have been so thankful to have found this site; it helped me through a period in my life where the physical changes of my body were difficult to keep up with. My self-image and esteem were in a young, and unstable place when I got pregnant. As much as I have always been thankful for my fertility, and having brought my son into my life, I won’t lie: There have been hard times, where I have been genuinely out-of-sorts about my shape, and the way I changed when I got pregnant, and my body after that.

Women have a lot of bad press that surrounds what we are told we need to look like, and what shapes we need to be. We will most likely have more gains and losses in weight because of motherhood, and hormonal changes, and hosts of other things that we will endure in our lifetimes. Some of the things I have read through this site, from brave and loving women and mothers, have gotten me to REALLY see the reality of what we all think – and never dare to say aloud.

There have been other things that have made me so incredibly sad. Words that women have said about themselves that are not only untrue, but they’re unfair. A body is beautiful not because it is perfectly thin, and the skin is flawless; it’s beautiful because there is NO other like it in the world! It will conceive, nurture, and bring forth PEOPLE! It will create milk for an infant, and warmth to soothe tears, arms for wrapping in loving embraces, and so many more AMAZING things! I find that frequently it’s so saddening to read how women *really* feel about themselves, especially when what *I* see is SO beautiful.

I can’t deny that the weight I’ve lost doesn’t make me feel good about myself on some level; but look at the time it’s taken me. Honestly, I didn’t make this as much of a priority as a lot of women do. I let nature take what it needed, and left what *I* needed to be healthy, and sustain breastmilk, and just be able to have time to experience what I wanted, and not feel the stress and strain of what other people thought I should be doing. My body is not perfect. my breasts hang lower, my thighs aren’t smooth anymore, the flesh of my stomach is rife with faded stretch marks. This is what I’ve got, and dammit I love it.

From day 1, my husband has accepted my shape the way it was (12 mos PP), and loved me unconditionally. This is a love I hope every person has, or will have. He has seem my body at its best, and when it was in the transition of post-birth. The expressions I see from him while we are intimate have never lost their enthusiasm. We have both changed physically, and have worked through the hardships and the ups/downs of how we wanted to see ourselves. Love and marriage aren’t always easy, but he has been my pillar through this journey.

I fervently hope that people keep here keep inspiring each other on this site, and keep supporting each other. I have come to love the honesty, and the raw stories people share about their fears and triumphs, and newly found loves in their motherhood and their beautiful children. The support of women who doubt their own beauty and can reclaim their self-confidence, and share that empowerment with each other is an important boon to one another. The love of our families, husbands, dear-ones, and friends are also just as important because there are those of us who don’t want to open our ears to listen to that praise and love.

Our bodies will change, and life will keep forcing us to adapt. This is the nature of the world we live in. Our bodies have such great capacity for miracles that it is almost wrong that we find the aftermath SO damaging to our minds, and feelings about WHO we are. MY body is not WHO I am, it is what I exist in. This is my vessel, and that BEAUTIFUL vessel carried me through pregnancy and a son who has changed everything I ever knew about love, and about what legacy I will leave this world. I would never make any other choice, if given an option to go back.

Love yourselves, ladies. You are the absolute essence of beauty, and the most important part of who we are as human beings. Thank you, everyone, for everything you share. Keep supporting each other, keep showing each other that this is not something we need to be afraid of, or feel terribly about. THIS is beauty!!

First Photo: 7.5 mos pregnant
Second photo: 12-18 mos pp. NOT my most flattering angle!
Third Photo: Take today, 34 mos PP. 154 lbs.
Fourth Photo: Side
Fifth Photo: Side
Sixth: Side, where you can see I have some belly left. :) It can get hidden in the angle, but I assure you there is no flat tummy here.
Seventh: Full-belly shot. Stretch marks are still there, I promise! They’ve faded away into the rest of me. :)
Eighth Photo: My beautiful son.

Amazing Stretching Skin (Ann)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 3 Comments

When I found out I was pregnant, post-baby changes were one of the more minor things on my mind. That said, I was very careful to eat extremely healthy during my entire pregnancy and ended up gaining about 30 pounds.

My daughter was a waterbirth with a midwife, born at 39 weeks. She weighed 6lbs. 4oz. I’m sure that her small size affected how quickly I bounced back after the pregnancy.
Another thing I credit my health with after her birth is the fact that I nursed her exclusively. This made me more careful about my diet since my nutrition directly affected her.

I finally weaned my daughter at 2 1/2 and would say that nursing so long had no negative affect on my breasts, and aside from aging a few years, they look basically the same that they did before she was born, with a few added stretch marks :-)

I started doing some yoga and taking long walks when she was 5-6 weeks old. After that, I did Jillian Michaels’ 30 day shred the summer after she was born.

The pregnancy pics were when I was 35 or 36 weeks, I can’t remember exactly. The postpartum pic is from July 2008 (9mos. postpartum), which was during the time I had started working out more intensively. You can see in the 1st. postpartum picture that I have my navel pierced twice. I removed the jewelry when I was about 6 mos. along and put them back in only a few weeks postpartum. The only stretchmark I got on my stomach is actually the piece of skin that contains the lower piercing. Other than that, I got stretchmarks on my thighs and hips that aren’t visible in the pictures. The second postpartum picture is from Mar. 2009, which was 17mo. postpartum.

I am quite happy with my body, and admire the strength that accompanies birth and motherhood. My daughter is now 4 and my husband and I are now considering a second baby, so it will be interesting to see how I recover and what changes might surprise me the 2nd time around.

Age at birth: 24
Age in 2nd picture: 25
1st pregnancy
Pictures: 36 weeks, 9mo. postpartum, 17mo. postpartum

Thank you for an amazing website!

The Before, During, and After of My Belly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 13 Comments

age 28
number pregnancies: 1 pregnant 25 weeks with next

I have always been pretty active and fit, I was 26 when I got pregnant with my son, it was unexpected and my husband and I had only been together for 6 months at the time. I tried and tried to avoid the stretch marks but I already had a ton of old ones from when I went through puberty so I knew it was a lost cause.

The angry little marks showed up around 37 weeks and I decided that I would document the changes in my belly from the end of pregnancy to immediately following the birth, to a couple weeks after to 2 years after to see how my body recovered. The marks do fade but never go away and you learn to live with them, I got a higher cut bikini to hide the old marks the best I can but I really don’t care anymore.

I am now 25 weeks pregnant with my second kid and wonder what will happen this time around, I’m sure I’ll be sad initially but I will look and see that the scars fade and life goes on. =)

picture 1 is of me a few months before getting pregnant

This is me the day I went to the hospital, the marks are hidden by the size of the belly!

This is an hour after birth while laying in the hospital bed

This is two weeks after

Two weeks

2 years after

Pregnant 25 weeks

Third Pregnancy After Eating Disorder (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Eating Disorder, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 3 Comments

I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for about 15 years, now. It started when I was 13. I’ve given birth to 2 beautiful girls, who are 5 and 4 now, and am pregnant again. I reached my lowest weight so far, this past spring, when I dropped to about 110 lbs. I should be 135-150. My BMI (which is a ridiculous way to gauge health) was only 16. It should be 20. I was severely underweight, and sick. I took ‘thinspo’ pictures of myself, one of which is posted below, and looking back now, I am amazed that I was so thin, and still able to get pregnant. I am now 18 weeks pregnant, and have gained a whopping 30 lbs. Bear in mind, if I was at my ‘ideal’ weight, I’d have only gained 10lbs.

Basically, i just want to say that there is hope, and that I am in recovery now, although my weight issues are not gone, and its a struggle every single day. I know I will deal with it postpartum, also, but I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I’ve gotten to about 160 with each pregnancy, so I’m assuming I’ll be there with this one too… But its okay. I just needed to share my story and my photos and show what a healthy, normal woman should look like.

Age: 28
3 pregnancies, 2 births (so far)
5 years, 4 years, and 18 weeks pregnant.
First picture: 16 weeks pregnant, 3rd pregnancy, 140 lbs
Second picture: April 2011, 110 lbs
Third picture: December 2011, 18 weeks pregnant

Postpartum Psychosis Survivor (Pinay Mom NYC)

Bonnie (SOAM) Asian, Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Postpartum Psychosis, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Pregnant, Suicide or suicidal thoughts 11 Comments

Hearing things that weren’t there was bad; keeping silent about it was worse.

For months after my daughter was born via C-section, I felt miserable and pathetic. I had been so independent prior to giving birth at 31; then I saw myself as this needy, ugly thing, financially dependent on a husband who was suffering through his own depression. I feared he didn’t love me. With my family 3000 miles away, I watched the laundry and dishes pile up. Worst of all, I heard things.

Not voices, per se, but laughter–a quiet, but biting mocking laughter that seemed to arise whenever I was tired, alone, and trying to breastfeed my baby. I also sensed a hand pressing down on top of my head, as if trying to break in through my skull. I’d scream, waking my baby and alerting my husband to something terribly wrong. Eventually, I told him. A neuroscientist by training, he was familiar with what was happening to me and assured me that I wasn’t “crazy.” I did some internet research and found that I was experiencing post-partum psychosis. Well, great, I thought. Now let me get back to adjusting to motherhood, thank you very much.

Only the adjustment to this new role, this new body–this new life–still shook the very core of my sanity. And I kept trudging through, silently. I loved my daughter. I hated my life.

When she was 10 months old, I tried to kill myself using the unused painkiller meds prescribed for me after my C-section. A fight with my husband triggered off what I had been quietly plotting to do for months. I swallowed four pills before he wrested the remaining meds out of my hand and flushed them down the toilet. We talked throughout the night. I decided to seek professional help. I decided to live.

Searching for a care-provider that took my insurance was humiliating. The bureaucratic run-around and telephone-tag belittled my condition, making me feel even more guilt and shame for my experience. Did no one realize that post-partum depression with psychosis required immediate medical attention? I went to the one place that could definitely spot a life-threatening condition when they saw one. I checked into the ER with a simple note: I am going to kill myself. That was the beginning.

It’s been 9 months since I voluntarily committed myself for a three-day stay as a psychiatric patient in the very same hospital in which I had given birth. 9 months of reflecting, re-prioritzing, and cleaning-up. 9 months of getting to know my daughter and getting re-acquainted with my husband and myself. The last 40 weeks haven’t always been easy. But they’ve helped me to acknowledge and accept my husband’s love, and to nurture my family, my career and my needs–no matter how difficult. I love my daughter. I love my life.

I urge everyone out there to question why the physical and psychological toll of motherhood should bring about so much shame, so much silence. It needn’t be this way. Stigma and silencing are often just symptoms of ignorance. Most people don’t recognize that we mothers can love and adore our children and still feel intense pain transitioning into our new lives. Transition can be brutal. But what hurt me and my family more was keeping quiet about it until it was almost too late. Who benefits from maintaining the stigma–the ignorance–around post-partum psychosis? What false ideas of motherhood does this stigma uphold? If people took seriously the personal and medical havoc brought on by motherhood, imagine how we might change maternity policies, healthcare, career-planning—our idea of womanhood, itself.

My daughter is napping in my arms as I write this. Soon she will wake, and the silence will be over. I can only hope.

Thank you for reading.

pic 1: Me a couple months before my 30th birthday, and about 8 months before getting pregnant.
pic 2: A week before giving birth.
pic 3: I took-up pole-dancing as a way to reclaim my body. Here I am attempting a (flawed) outside leg-hook, 15 months post-partum.
pic 4: My little monkey!

~Age: 32
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 1 daughter, 19 months

Not Even Halfway (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 16 Comments

19 years old. 1st pregnancy. 17 weeks.

I’m only seventeen weeks and I have been struggling with my weight gain. My doctors and family say its completely normal, I know I haven’t a lot to be so upset about I’m not gaining more weight than I’m supposed too. But I’m very stressed, I was in a relationship that had me so wrapped up. We broke up. Then I find out I’m a month pregnant. I did even want to tell him, and hadn’t planned on doing so, he broke my heart, and I just didn’t want to be more of a burden on him. But I tell him since all my close friends agreed that he needed to know. Once I told him it seemed like all friendship we had left over from our relationship was drained. The reaction I expected. He’s a year and six months older and already has a child. I just made his life even harder. I have been going through this whole pregnancy alone. With his first son. I wanted him to at least with our child. But it has now come down to being fully single and completely alone. Now I’m growing which is ultimately difficult, I never was a “skinny” girl always had curves and was kind of thick. I’m only 5’3. But before I became pregnant I was the smallest I had been since middle school. A shapely 2. Now I’m a four, and in maternity pants because I’m carrying so low. Every day is a new day and another one conquered. I’m working on my body issues, I just wish people would quit pointing out that in clothes I just look like I’ve gained weight not “showing”.