My Own Ramblings

Do you remember about a year ago when this manifesto I wrote was published on GrokNation? It’s a culmination of the lessons I’ve learned here with you all over the years. It’s about how your skin is your Story, your memoir, the record of your life written on you. We want to be mark-free/society tells us we must want to be mark-free, and we must be mark-free. But it is as we move through our life that our story is written and we learn lessons and gain wisdom along the way. The old crone, the wise woman, she is covered in lines and marks and they symbolize her status as leader and grandmother. For us to want to avoid marks is for us to avoid becoming her; it is for us to remain naive and inexperienced. And that, of course, allows us to remain easy victims. No one fucks with the wise woman.

This is what I hope for us, that we come to see the beauty in our lines and our marks. They aren’t a blemish, they are a memory, a plot line, a story. To see the beauty here is a revolutionary act, throwing off the chains of the beauty industry that keeps us insecure enough to line their pockets.

But more than that, I hope that we can find ourselves to be worthy just as we are. You are worthy even if you have five more pounds to lose. You are worthy if you have 300 more pounds to lose. You are worthy if you have no plans or desire to lose weight at all.

You. Are. Worthy. Just. As You. Are.

We are working on publishing a zine focused on body image. We hope to have the first issue ready by the end of the summer. We will be looking up local (San Diego) places to place them, and we will be mailing them out to anyone who chooses to subscribe. The first issue will be free, after that we may change a small fee, or donation, to cover costs. We are so excited! If you are interested in subscribing, or if you know of a place local to you who would be willing to have our zine available/for sale, email me at theshapeofamother@gmail.com. Just put “ZINE” in the subject. And then also be patient with me because I am terrible at life and sometimes I don’t check my email regularly.

I hope that our zine, like this website, helps spread the body-positive to new people and helps more people learn to love themselves.

And if you’d like to join us here in our online space, consider sending in your own story.

This week marked TWELVE! years since I sat down and opened up SOAM while my big kid napped and my baby nursed. I can’t believe how time has flown! The internet, the world in fact, is a wildly different place than it was 12 years ago. We have made some leaps forward in terms of body positivity, and taken steps back in some ways. We still have so much work to do. I am slowly but surely working on moving to the next stage of SOAM’s work in the world.

Today I make a soft presentation of our new logo, created with love by Secret Agent Josephine. In the next few weeks we will be updating the website with the logo and getting a shop for SOAM merchandise up and running.

Our other summer project is to get our first issue of our zine published! We will also be having more community events and discussion groups so if you are in SoCal spread the word and keep your eye open for events in your area!

I can’t wait to see what this next year brings for SOAM! If you haven’t shared your story with us yet, consider doing so at theshapeofamother.com/participate and in the mean time tell everyone you know to follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter!

Hello to you, my readers. I apologize for the lack of attention that I have been able to give to SOAM for a very long time now. In truth, it sits like a brick in my stomach and I try to avoid noticing because, frankly, there is nothing I can do about it right now.

For the past year and a half my daughter, who is about to turn sixteen, has been battling depression, extreme anxiety, and suicidal ideation. (Yes, I have her permission to share this publicly.) It has been a full time job just to keep her alive, in particular because the system is so, so very broken. I wrote here about our struggles simply to find appropriate care for her. (Please, if you can, share that link. I want people to know exactly what is going on.) Even after I wrote that, the systemic negligence has continued. It frustrates me beyond belief to know that the stigma is built directly into the system (for what other illness would you be told that your child can only receive thirteen treatments?). It frustrates me that even just talking about it makes me worry who will believe the severity of the struggle my family is facing? As it turns out, the brain is also a part of the body, so a mental illness is just as much a physical illness as diabetes, or asthma, or cancers.

Anyway, I digress. The point is that right now I am trying to help heal my teenager, fight the system, somehow still parent my other child, continue my education, and do all the other things that one must do simply as a part of life. I struggle to find time for SOAM right now.

This website is my passion and my soul. I have one more semester after this and I plan to put a crap ton more energy to growing SOAM and moving forward into new areas with it, as well as working to advocate for and education on body image issues, and other feminist work that needs to be done in the world.

I am absolutely NOT leaving SOAM or closing it. I will continue to post entries that are shared, although I admit I may not get to it as regularly as I would like to – I apologize. Please, don’t hesitate to share your story here, just be patient with me. I’m sure you all understand that our children come first.

I’m still here, as much as I can be. But SOAM simply has to be lower on my priority list right now because this girl is #1:

Dear readers, I am thankful for you. I am thankful for this space we have here where we can come to see that we are far from alone both in the way our bodies look and in the way we struggle to find love for ourselves and our bodies.

Do you ever wonder how SOAM came to exist? I mean, you can read my version of events on the home page here, but there’s more to it.

SOAM exists because we have net neutrality. There are no corporations limiting our access to the internet. Think for a minute what that means for you. How has the internet changed your life? I learned about birthing options online. I learned about parenting styles online. I found support online. I learned about health and healthcare options online. I met friends online – some that I hold dear to this day. I began to understand feminism online. I began to understand body image issues online. I learned about fat positivity and the health at every size movement online. I learned about photography online. I applied for college online. I attended classes online.

In every way in my life, I am a better person because of the internet. Without full access to the entire net, I may not have had access to the information and the choices that helped me become the person I am today. With corporations and/or the government dictating what we can and cannot have access to, we are allowing others to help mold us into the people they want us to be, rather than the people we are.

Readers, please remember that corporations do not want you to love your body or to love yourself. So long as you feel insecure, you give them your money. (And remember, I’m not judging you for what you do – but make the choice on your own.) Don’t let corporations decide what you and your children read, or what you and your children want to look like. Let YOU decide.

That means we need Net Neutrality.

Right now the FCC is threatening to end Net Neutrality and that scares me so much, particularly in this time where our government is becoming more overbearing and less supportive of free speech. Do you think it will be easy to organize protests against policies you don’t want your government to enact without access to the whole internet? And, remember, always, always remember that the government is YOURS. These people you elect for for YOU. The power is supposed to lie in our hands.

So here’s what you do. Check out this website, and they will help you call your representative and suggest what to say. If you want a rundown of what Net Neutrality is, check this out. Here’s a site that allows you to send faxes to your representatives through texts from your phone. And here’s another site that makes calling your reps very easy. They offer ideas for actions and script suggestions.

The United States of America only works so long as we are involved. That is the purpose of this great American Experiment, and we must never allow that to be forgotten. Take action. Teach your children to take action. The personal IS political.

This year I am thankful for you, for my strong body, and for the opportunity to have my voice heard in this country.

Much love and a very happy Thanksgiving to you,
Bonnie

Over the years here at SOAM we have had more then 2,500 entries. I’ve heard feedback from many women about how the site has helped them either through sharing their own story, or just by browsing the diverse stories we already have here. Right now submissions are low and I’m asking for your help to keep SOAM vibrant and full of new content. There are a number of ways you can help, some are super easy, some are a little more involved. You can read more about them at our new Help SOAM page (you can also access it at any time from the menu bar above). If you want to learn more about SOAM and what makes it unique you can check out the new About SOAM page.

I am declaring August a Readership Drive month for SOAM! I hope to gain new followers and submissions here at the blog, and new followers at our various social media outlets. Goal: 100 new followers on Twitter and Instagram and 10 new submissions to post here! I will have a giveaway coming up mid month to help celebrate the event so stay tuned. In the mean time, start sharing the site with your friends and family and check out the other ways you can Help SOAM, too.

Please, consider helping SOAM continue to provide the world with the understanding that mama bodies are perfect in every size and shape that they come in. SOAM has done a lot of good work in the past, but we are nowhere near done.

Love to you all.

Well, I did not actually go to the Con itself because passes are expensive and next to impossible to get even if I could afford it. But as the Con overflows the convention center more and more each year, all of Downtown San Diego winds up hosting a ton of free events so I went for those.

What does Comic Con have to do with postpartum body image? Nothing. But also a lot. As I participated in events and met various cosplayers (AND MISHA COLLINS YOU GUYS), I had some thoughts that extend beyond the Con and into Life in general.

1. Take photos. I am struggling to feel cute these days. I could list my various physical imperfections, but that only reinforces them so I’ll suffice it to say that I just feel uncute lately and I struggle to remind myself that A) I totally am cute no matter what and B) it doesn’t really matter anyway because I’m valuable no matter what I look like on the outside. So I tried to avoid photos at first, taking pictures of the cosplayers themselves or of my son. But one Chewbacca was all, “hang on, hang on” and walked right up to me to do a selfie together. And he (she?) was right. I deserve to be in pictures, too. And I owe it to my children. I want them to have photos of me enjoying life when they are older. I want to show them how to enjoy life, and take pictures, even if they aren’t always feeling cute. It’s important. And so what if I don’t look like a model in every picture? My friends think I’m lovely as is. And the photo is recording a moment more than just the way I look. It’s recording a memory, a feeling. So don’t shy away from photos. Jump in!

2. Be a cooperative force in the world. I decided to spend three hours of my life waiting to get in to the Netflix Experience (yes, I am one of those people) and they wound up closing the doors about fifteen people in front of me. It was frustrating but I won’t go into that here. The people in line behind me, a mother and her daughter, had had the same thing happen to them two nights before. The girl was almost 11 and loved Stranger Things. I told them that if they wanted to close the doors right after me, I’d make sure the kid got in instead. It made them feel good. After we were turned away, Netflix started handing things out to the crowd and while many people pushed and knocked their way forward, one lady made sure the kid behind me in line got a poster. It made me so happy to see people working to make this one kid’s day a little less disappointing.

The day before, my kids and I did a scavenger hunt for Amazon’s new Tick series where we had to find clues to catch the bad guys. They reminded us that it was a competition and we should try to keep our answers hidden from the others in the room with us. And I just couldn’t help thinking that we’d probably catch more bad guys faster if we all cooperated instead of raced.

Those instances reminded me of a post I shared on Facebook a few days ago. About how we’re all good moms no matter the choices we make for our families. It feels so much better to lift each other up, to help each other out, than it does to push people out of our way while we race to the finish line (or the Funko giveaway, depending). And we get so much farther if we cooperate. Women are pitted against each other enough. Let’s decide together to put down our defenses, to put away our defensiveness, and just wholly be there for each other without tearing each other down. Imagine what we could do together in the world if we decided to be teammates instead of see each other as contestants we have to beat. We’d be unstoppable.

In the evening, my son and I went to the filming of the Steven Universe video for Stronger Than You. If you haven’t watched Steven Universe, I cannot recommend it enough. It’s a show about love, and growth, and finding your true self. The song says, “I am made of love and it’s stronger than you” and I think that’s an excellent way to see the world. Love requires more than one person and together we are stronger than just one. Love is stronger than you, but it’s not competing with you. It’s just a fact: together, with love, we are stronger.

Love to you all.