First Pregnancy

Is There Any Hope For Me? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Legs, Postpartum, Submissions 15 Comments

Age : 24
Number of pregnancies : 1
Child’s age : 3 months old

I am a first time mom.
I do not know anything about pregnancy as I am far away from my family.
I was depressed the whole time and I felt so lonely.
From 120 pounds I went to a whooping 193 pounds.
I am 3 months post partum and now 154 pounds.
I’ve got tons of stretch marks on my hips.
I said to myself it was ok because they will surely fade in time and I thought it was normal. However, weeks after childbirth I have noticed so many on my legs. On top of my thighs, back of my thighs, right inner thigh, back of my knees, and both calves.
I am devastated and I feel so hopeless. I cannot sleep and eat well.
I have been on Google for remedies and such because I really do not have knowledge about it. I just thought that it would only be on the tummy area. And you’ll only get them if you scratch. Luckily, I found this site. Its a relief to realize that I am not alone with this but still I feel so hopeless.
I am very happy with my baby but it hurts to look at myself. I feel so wrecked and damaged.
Do I still have any hopes?
Will I ever be able to wear shorts or dresses in time?
I have so many things on my mind to say here but I am so down because of what happened to my once flawless legs.
Thank you for reading my submission.

Depressed, Disabled New Mommy (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Mothers with Health Complications, Submissions 4 Comments

im 20 years old and its my first baby.

ive really never talked to anyone about this is im always scared to. but i dont like how my belly looks. i thank God everyday for my little girl. but i gained about 100lbs with IsaBella. its very ard for me to lose weight because i am disabled… and the father really hasnt shown me much attion so i guess thats why my weight and they way i look gets to me alot i cant fit into any of my clothes i get so down sometimes i just don’t want to move i just want to lay in bed and cry but i know i have to get up and feed her and take care of her. she relies on me. i love being a mom i finilly found my purpose in life is to be a mom. its feels nice to be needed and wanted and to know someone relies on you.

the pics are when i was pregnant and after i had her

I Love Being a Mum! (Alice)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 14 Comments

30, one pregnancy and birth via Cesarean

I love my post-partum body. I basically look the same, with slightly bigger boobs and softer-rounder belly, with extra belly skin that I did not have before. My body is the constant reminder of the precious life I created, and for that, I am eternally thankful.

I used a belly binder almost 24/7 post-partum for about 4 weeks, I think that helped me get back in shape.

I delivered my baby via Cesarean after a 20 hour labour, I was lucky to be in minimum pain afterwards, I had a very speedy recovery.

Photos: before baby, 40 weeks, 6 days post-partum, 8 days post-partum, 2 weeks post-partum, 2 months postpartum

Frumpy and Angry! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Sexual Abuse/Violence, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions 2 Comments

Im 22 and have a 3 year old daughter… she wasn’t at all planned.. but my ex wasn’t a very nice person either, I do not regret her she I my world! See this relationship was horrible I was like a possession not a equal human being, I was treat like dirt hit and often made to do sexual things I did not want to.. I never had money to spend on my self such as new clothes or a hair cut..not even a chocolate bar!! As all my money went on his habbit..I suffered from severe depression before I fell pregnant I hated the world I hated myself.. I hated people that I thought should automatically know something was going on..but how can someone know when you put on a fake smile and hide the pain and suffering… Any how. I used to be a fit and healthy looking woman, but since having my daughter doctors have told me im in the “overweight” side of things..I hate hate hate my stomach. .I constantly cover it up even in the bath.. it didn’t help when my ex would state how ugly and manky I looked and how I should cover up! Even though I split up with him over 2 years ago he still mamages to make me hate myslef..im with the perfect man I’ve been with him for nearly 2 years he’s beautiful to me and always tells me im beautiful. .I still well up inside.. I’ve never been vein and never would be.. I find it so hard to think that I am “ok” or “pretty”… I think im also scared of messing things up in “being a mum” I love my daughter deeply I don’t know what I would do if she was taken from me! Im not the most feminit looking woman but I do want to feel pretty! I love getting my rockabilly look on for certain occasions I love feeling pretty..but on most days I feel hideous and depressed. .I don’t know wether this is because of what I went through for 5 years feeling worthless and inadequate but I do!… I guess what I trully want is to be able to love my self or atleast have some self-esteem and confidence!!

I also want to know..if anyone has gone a diet and felt any better after there goals?!

First Time Mum (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

Im a 24 year old first time Mum to a beautiful 3 month old baby boy but Im struggling to come to terms with my new Mummy body!!! I have had one pregnancy and all went well, with a healthy baby born 2 days before due date.

I lost about 20 pounds in the first 2 weeks and I felt great – since then I’ve stayed the same weight and I feel disgusting. I hate my wobbly belly and my chunky thighs, my stretch marks – which are everywhere. I felt beautiful when I was pregnant (despite the 3 stone weight gain) and now I feel like a monster. I want to feel comfortable so I can just enjoy my baby boy. I feel so selfish feeling like this. Its nice to be able to admit how I actually feel.

This is Me (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

Age: 25
Number of pregnancies/births: 1
Child’s age: 5

I’ve been debating a submission to SOAM for a long time. What vulnerability! I’m no longer a new mother, but the message of this site is very deeply important to me.

I got pregnant at 19- our heads in the clouds, neither of us having anything to our names but hopeless romanticism. He moved in with my mom and I, and we carried on in our little haven above the garage.

My pregnancy was a dream. Aside from a little sciatica and heartburn, I was generally comfortable and happy, somehow avoiding stretchmarks until at least 8 months, wearing heels to work up to the week of my due date. I felt like I could take on the world- my body was made for carrying this baby. Before getting pregnant, I’d always been bigger than my peers, picked on, and though I never agreed, the doctors termed me “obese” from puberty on; I was built like a woman from the gate (like a “brick shithouse,” if you’d have asked my lover. haha) Pregnant, I ate well, but was sedentary, and so gained above what they recommend- at least enough to warrant a talking-to from my midwife.

Our birth was everything I could have wanted. I went into sudden fast labor at one o’clock the morning after my due date, contractions strong and close. We drove an hour to the birthing center, where I labored in a warm bath, both of us sleepless and exhausted, squeezing hands over the lip of the tub, and falling asleep between every contraction. Our daughter was born 7 hours later, came tumbling limp like a bag of blood and bones, all wide eyed and peaceful. We slept and fed and showered, went home and slept as a family some more.

I was in complete awe of what my body had done, but it was also a very strange thing to me for awhile after. It felt like all my guts just fell into the empty space my baby left, in some heavy bulging jumble, and it was hard to even breathe. It felt foreign. But I breastfed, I healed fast, and everything went back to relative normalcy, just bigger and squishier than before- angry stretchmarks (which have since faded to white,) enormous breasts which fluctuated erratically with breastfeeding.

We bought a house when our daughter was a year old, and she weaned herself around 18 months. I remained inactive, my boyfriend and I ate very badly, and I struggled with some medical problems, including extreme energy deficiency to the point of daily tears, unable to find answers. I was a miserable person, who was literally sleeping her life away. The number on the scale crept slowly up over the next couple of years, 180 being my heaviest.

So I made some major changes. I switched my diet to the extreme, which helped my energy enormously. Then, my boyfriend got involved with martial arts. He eventually convinced me to join him, and a fire was sparked. I had energy. I was learning, and passionate, and had confidence, and was getting strong and leaning out in the process. I’ve been there for almost 3 years now, eventually joining their fitness program too- I am mentally a completely different person, and in the search for a healthy mind, my body was also transformed. I have such fire for health that I can’t wait to share with my daughter as her own little body and brain grow and change. I’ve learned to love myself wholly- the muscles I’ve developed, skin problems, stretch marks, thunderous thighs, strong arms, deflated breasts and all. This is me- a mother, and what my postpartum body has settled into.

Please excuse my disheveled bedroom- this is also me, a messy mother ;)

061614-anon-1

One Month After Weaning My Toddler (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

30 years old
Number of pregnancies: 1
Number of children: 1
2.5 years post partum

I admire all the women on this site and I have read many of your stories over the past year. I recently stopped breast feeding (very proud to have breastfed for more than 2 years). And now my breasts have totally deflated and I find myself extremely self-conscious (hiding my breasts from my partner etc….) I don’t like that one side is smaller than the other and how my nipples sink into my breasts. The picture on the left is from about a year before I got pregnant and the rest are recent. Pregnancy and breastfeeding (and now running after an active little kid!) really slimmed me down without trying (also I was under a lot of stress related to my relationship) Now I am at a new point in my journey and I’m working on self acceptance and treating myself and my body well… Thanks for reading!

060414-anon-1

Journey To Loving Myself (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, First Pregnancy, Legs, Mom over 30, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

What beautiful, brave women you all are for opening up and bearing your hearts, minds and bodies here on this site! I have been reading stories on here to learn and prepare for some of the physical and emotional changes I may experience after I’ve given birth since I have no previous experience to draw on. I look at you all with utter awe and admiration, and in my opinion you are as feminine as it gets and I feel so proud to be about to join your ranks.

I am only part way along the motherhood journey, approx. 6 months pregnant so far. I am 30 yrs old and this is my first baby. I haven’t developed any stretch marks on my tummy or breasts as yet, but I have gained some weight on my thighs and my bottom, and developed a few varicose veins on one of my legs as you can see in the pictures.

I don’t have a picture-perfect body by magazine standards, but it’s mine to live in and so I do treasure it, especially now that I’m pregnant – it constantly amazes me. I don’t really feel sexy in the same way as I used to, but I feel more womanly and powerful in my body than ever and therefore sexy in a whole new and much deeper way.

I have not always felt as free and loving toward myself and my body. I had painful experiences with my body image, depression and anxiety in my teens and early 20’s. Over the years since recovering though, I have come to see my body more as a way I can express my spirit and receive/share with the world around me, than a purely physical form that defines me, and is either “attractive” or “unattractive” to the world.

Reading many stories I really feel the grief expressed by different women about what they once were and are no longer since having babies… the permanent features that they can never change or undo (without surgery, or even with the help of surgery)… and the unrelenting sense of pressure/expectation from partners, society or just themselves to improve or restore themselves to their former glory, as if now they are less than they were and lacking in various ways, even though they have just become SO MUCH MORE.

I feel the pain particularly as many women talk about taking wonderfully healthy actions like being physically active, eating consciously, trying to be positive and proactive without experiencing any tangible results and the frustration, self-loathing and hopelessness that ensues. Wonderful, extraordinary women feeling like they need to take all sorts of extreme and harsh measures, even against their own intuition, to eliminate the ways in which they horrify themselves. I don’t judge one single one of you, because I have felt these things about myself in the past, without even having the excuse of having had a baby and the very real physical changes that come with that. I simply wish you did not have to suffer that shame/pain/grief/self-loathing, when you are actually so incredibly worthy and deserving of boundless honour and admiration.

My pursuit of perfection when I was younger, although I didn’t know I was doing it, eventually led to complete exhaustion, self-loathing, anxiety and ultimately depression. My self-esteem was blown apart and my perception of myself shockingly distorted. I shudder to think what effect pregnancy might have had on me at that time in my life and how I would have dealt with it.

I was fortunate to have a lot of professional guidance, loving supportive people around me and I was quite committed to being well again, but even still it was a long road to learn the lessons and tools for loving myself that I needed to be healthy and happy. I eventually was blessed to discover the power of a beautiful guided meditation process for healing called “The Journey”, which is all about uncovering the unconditional love that resides within you and allowing it flow through you. You learn to see yourself through the eyes of an innocent child/best friend/loving parent all mixed together and effectively let go of so many unhealthy ideas about what determines worth in the world – incredibly healing. Out of everything, learning this was what made all the difference for me, and still makes the difference for me now.

For someone who was ridiculously diligent, self-disciplined and compulsively trying to “fix”/”improve” myself, learning how to relax all that mental pressure, stop forcing myself constantly and just surrender to the knowledge of how extraordinary I already was WITHOUT BEING PERFECT was the most powerful key in my journey towards healing. I gradually learnt how to accept myself exactly as I was BEFORE I was better, healthier, more attractive, more capable, successful, etc. My life’s not perfect and nor am I, by my whole life has become much easier and more beautiful, and I feel beautiful just as I am.

A line in the post called “I Want My Body Back” (Anonymous) is what ultimately inspired me to share some of my story with you all here. The line was: “I just want to love myself for what I look like now”. I wanted to share the way that I learnt how to give myself that gift of self-love for her, and for all of you beautiful women who deserve that gift too, just in case it helps in any way.

I hope it’s ok to quote a couple of ladies who’ve posted here on this site – these are just some of the most beautiful and uplifting words I have read and I will hold them in my heart as I continue on my journey of becoming a mother:

“I was beautiful then and I’m beautiful now… Size does not equate worth, or love, or beauty…” (It’s oK To Feel Beautiful – Jennifer)

“Tears running down my face… This body was the look of true beauty, of work and reward, of suffering and love.” (My Post Partum Body – Courtney)

Thank you for all of your stories.

New Fit Momma (Victorian)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 4 Comments

Previous post here.

This is my second submission, unlike my first time I’m finally comfortable in my skin. I am not going to lie there are still problem areas that I am working on, but all in all I am happy. My son is the best little bugger I could ask for. I’m doing this not because I’m seeking some sort of reassurance.(Don’t get me wrong that is always a bonus) I am here to give back what other amazing mommas did for me, to make those that feel like they are not sexy anymore or feel unattractive know that you are so worth it, and can change what you don’t love. My son in 20 months now it took me that long to finally decide it was time for change. Their is no one else to blame anymore but myself for my unhappiness. I know everyone starts a change for the new year but this year I decided it was time! I found myself really into weight training and that is where I started. It’s tough, my sons father is my rock he keeps me going and pushes me to be who I want to be. He currently is into powerlifting and is training for his third competition. Having someone who is really Into fitness definitely helps. It is still difficult for me to eat healthy all the time and not skip workouts between work, school in the evenings, and then a toddler it’s hard work! What really keeps me going is the results! I am 22 years old 5’11 and was almost tipping the scale at 180, for me that wasn’t acceptable. I have been dedicated to working out and eating healthy for about 4 weeks and I have to say I feel so much better! I realized no matter how in shape I get my stretch marks, c-section scar and uneven breasts are here to stay they are a reminder that my body is unique and can give the greatest gift possible, a life. That makes me love every bit of me that much more! No matter what I will never let myself feel un attractive or worthless! If you are feeling that way then it’s time to take your life back and know your worth it! Love yourself first, and that alone makes you beautiful! Good luck mommas!

4 weeks of healthy eating and exercise.

My beautiful family

Beauty in a Mum Tum: Overcoming Fear (Jen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

Age: 29 years old
Current and pre-pregnancy weight: 138 lbs.
Total weight gained during pregnancy: 27 lbs.
Children: 1 child, 11 weeks old.

I had always feared pregnancy for two reasons: I would not be in control of my body and I might end up with dreaded stretch marks top to bottom. These fears seemed to froth up in every conversation with girlfriends about pregnancy. I would say how I already had numerous stretch marks from puberty, especially on my thighs.

Some friends shared my fears but most of them thought it was silly. I felt that no one understood how much my body would change and it eclipsed for me the joy of the journey I almost did not take. One of my friends, at 8 months pregnant herself, said: “Oh Jen, there is so much more to worry about.” But I didn’t get it. I spent hours reading stories on shapeofamother, watching videos and showing photos to my husband of women with striped and swirly bellies to instill in him my fears so that he might agree to not have children naturally. He shrugged. So what? He said.

After 7 months of praying about starting a family, we started trying to conceive. In the second month, we were pregnant. I could not believe it! I was deliriously happy – scared – but happy. There was no going back so I promptly ordered the best stretch mark creams and oils money could buy.

I applied four types of stretch mark creams and oils twice daily – sometimes, three times a day! I was going to do everything I could to keep my body in my own control.

At 22 weeks my baby stopped moving. By the afternoon and through hysterical tears, I asked my husband to drive me to emergency obstetrics. I was praying that my baby was fine. When the doctor confirmed he was healthy, just turned with his back to my belly, I realized that my friend was right: there were so many more important things to worry about. The safety of my child trumped my small and superficial thinking. I knew then that I was not in control; I had to trust God. Did I really believe Psalm 139’s pledge that He knows us intimately, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made? Did I trust God with my body and with my baby? I had been reading this psalm to my child everyday and now it was my turn to be tested.

When at 33 weeks I got my first stretch mark on my lower belly, I was a little bummed but I kept on applying my creams and oils in earnest. I was too busy feeling my little baby kicking and wiggling. I tried to focus on finding joy in every part of the pregnancy, seeing it as special and sacred. When I went into labor at 39 weeks 5 days, my lower belly was striped, my hips donned their own purple lines and around my popped belly button was a swirl of stretch marks.

That’s ok with me.

Those stretch marks, though they have shrunk and faded already at 11 weeks postpartum, mean something special: they show that there was a baby that once grew in my belly.

They say I am a mother.

Because of this, they are beautiful.

Because of this, I am beautiful.

Photo 1: 3 months pregnant
Photo 2: 7 months pregnant
Photo 3: 5 hours postpartum
Photo 4: 11 weeks postpartum