First Pregnancy

I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter. (Maureen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean (Vertical), Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Complications During or After Birth, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 22 Comments

Age: 32
Pregnancy/birth: 1
Children: 1 angelgirl in heaven, passed away 3 days after birth

Title: I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter
Name: Maureen, Proud mama of Chloë*
Country: The Netherlands

On Monday evening the 25th of July 2011 I was brought to the hospital by Ambulance, because of serious belly ache. I passed out several times. By the time I arrived in the hospital I was in shock. I was rushed to surgery to get the baby out. The doctors thought of a placental abruption. But in surgery they found out that I had an internal bleeding, I lost about 3.5 liters of blood. At 23.59h our beautiful daughter Chloë was born. The moment she was born she was not breathing, so they helped her to get her breathing right. Her heartbeat was stable.
Later that night Chloë was transferred to a specialized hospital because the doctors worried about her brainactivity as a result of the lack of oxygen.

After surgery I was brought to the Intensive Care, where I was kept asleep and on the respirator. My condition was stable at that time.

My sister in law and my husband went to the hospital where Chloë was taken to. She was brought to the NICU. She was also on the respirator. Her tempature was brought to 33.5 C to minimize brainactivity and braindamage.
While my husband was with Chloë, he got a telephone call from the other hospital that I was brought to surgery again because of another bleeding…
My sister in law brought my husband back to me. In surgery they found out that I had another 2,5 liters of blood in my belly. When I was back from surgery, I was brought with a mobile intensive care unit to the same hospital as Chloë.

Chloë wasn’t doing very well… 2 brainscans showed no activity, this was caused by the lack of oxygen. Probably caused already on Friday when I had some belly ache also. I was doing better and after my condition was stable enough I was able to see my daughter for the first time on wednesday. Later that day we were told that there was nothing the doctors could do for Chloë anymore. On
Thursday they would stop the treatment.

On Thursday 28th of July, Chloë stayed with us the whole day and we could even hold her in our arms. But at 19.00 h the respirator was stopped and at 21.00 h she passed away in my the arms of my husband…
We kept Chloë with us until Sunday, then she was brought to the mortuary. I was doing better and after in total of 4 days of intensive care and 3 days of medicare, I was transferred back to the hospital closer to home on Monday, were I stayed until Thursday.

Together with our family and friends, we said goodbye to our sweet little princess on Saturday the 6th of august when she is cremated.”

We’re so proud to be the mommy and daddy of Chloë, but it hurts we had to let her go after 3 days…
We were so looking forward to have a child to take care of. We love her, we miss her… But she will always be our little girl.

The scar that I have confronts me every day. It’s a negative memory, it reminds me extra that we have lost our baby girl. But it is also a positive memory, as I’m still alive and we have a daughter now, although she is an angel in heaven. Since that scar we are a mommy and daddy. We love you, Chloë. You are our little princess. ? ? ?

I even can’t remember how my belly looks like without the scar, this is now who I am and in a strange way it makes me also that I’m blessed.

It will mean a lot to me if my story will be part of the ‘The shape of a mother’ community.

My body eight months after my little miracle. (Jamie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Age: 22
Number of Pregnancies/ Births: 1

I just turned 22, and have a beautiful 8 1/2 month baby girl. My pre pregnancy weight was 166lbs, I did great through the first 7 months of pregnancy only gaining 10lbs, then all of a sudden I was gaining a pound a day getting up to 214lbs!! I was scared to death of stretch marks, I already had very fragile self esteem. I started getting them one by one ,at 7 months, I cried after seeing each one form.

After my daughter’s birth I was grateful, she is my little ray of light. Even though I was so happy, I also was so depressed. I hated my body and myself. I didn’t want to eat, or get dressed in the morning, on top of that, I had to get over it quick because I had to go to work 2 weeks after I had my baby.

It was a slow process getting used to the new routine and being away from my pride and joy all day. (Not to mention having to dress in business attire)

I eventually got used to it, and lost all of my weight plus some. I bought the expensive stretch cream, and applied it religiously; my stretch marks faded some but my stomach never tightened up. Below are the pictures now 8 1/2 postpartum. I already lost 74lbs, have been doing pelvic tilts and trying to make my stomach look better. Will it ever be normal again? I know stretch marks fade but will my belly button ever be circle? Will my stomach ever not have wrinkles? I just need to know, what I am facing for full recovery.

Updated here.

Trying to Love Me (Katy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

24 years old
9months pregnant with my first baby
Pictures first 3 are of me 5 weeks away from my due date last one is the day I found out I was pregnant (4weeks along)

Like some of the other stories i’ve read on here, I’ve never thought that I was beautiful. Looking back on my engagement pictures or pictures from high school I see someone different than I saw in the mirror at the time. I weighed about 150 in high school and I felt like I was overweight and ugly, but now I don’t see it the same way at all. My weight has never been what i thought it “should be” and i’ve never appreciated the way my body looks In the moment. I can look back and say, “oh, I didnt look as bad back then, why did i hate my body?!” But then I hypocritically do the exact same thing now, I look at my stretch marks that have completely taken over my body and I see the flab and rolls and I consider how little of the 40 pounds i’ve gained is actually my baby. I am 9 months pregnant now due to have my baby boy on thanksgiving day, i’m So happy and I can’t Wait for him to be in my arms! I currently weigh 240 pounds. I hate saying that number and even typing it makes me cringe. I had creeped up to 207lb’s before I got pregnant and started exercising about a month before I got pregnant and then morning sickness and tiredness took over. Ever since I was about 6 months along I get so many comments from people saying how huge I am. They say it at church every week, as if i’ve forgotten. Another comment I frequently get is “are you sure there aren’t twins/triplets in there?!” That comment not only makes me feel like i’m the fat woman at a circus but it hurts because we did have twins. I was carrying two babies but one of them died at about 9 weeks and then slowly dissolved and just disappeared. When we first found out there were two but the Dr. couldn’t detect a heart beat for the second one he said ” Maybe it will turn out to be fine and we’ll get a heart beat next time!” We asked again for clarification before we left the appointment and he said ” well most likely it will just resolve itself and dissolve.. Its not likely that the baby will live” we prayed and prayed for months that the baby would be alive and well at our next ultrasound. But it wasn’t. It took several months for it to dissolve though, It hurt so much to see that still form and at the same time be happy at the bouncing, kicking, healthy baby. Sometimes I still feel guilty for missing our other baby, since I still have one inside me.. I should just be overjoyed about that one. I tell myself that after the baby comes I’m going to work hard and shed not only the baby weight but the extra weight I needed to lose before I got pregnant! I don’t even have a goal weight right now, its too depressing to think of how much I should lose. I really wish that I could look at myself and see someone beautiful no matter what I weigh! My husband sometimes gets frustrated because he “wishes I could see what he sees” I know that I should appreciate my body. I know that its doing something amazing by making and keeping our baby safe. I know that down the road i’ll look at pictures of me pregnant and probably say ” I didn’t look that bad” But even knowing all of this I truly do Not know how to love me, right now, the way that I am. My body has changed forever because of this pregnancy, I want to let the past go and love my body NOW. Can anyone tell me how?

First Pregnancy (Hannah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

I was googling images of pregnancy and how the body changes because I am so horrified at how my body has changed, everything has got stretch marks and gone fat I’ve gained like 3 + stone and I can’t even look down because my belly depresses me so much even though my son inside I know it’s not his fault he’s ruined my body I just don’t think it will ever return to normality as its been stretched too far so I just wanted to share some pictures of my growing belly.. Maybe because like me I didn’t know how pregnancy would change my belly this drastically!

I didn’t plan this pregnancy I was with my partner 2 years and fell pregnant on the pill at 21 and have just recently turned 22.. It was a shock and I was so not prepared.. I’m currently 40 weeks pregnant.

This is just a post so women can see that the perfect pregnancy bump does not exist you will get stretch marks I have tried everything to get rid from baby oil, bio oil, palmers, sudacrem to (embarrassing) pile cream! Nothing will rid them so if you feel bad about your body don’t because everyone who’s had a baby has been through this, i just hope my body goes kind of back to normal.. I hope

34 Weeks Pregnant (Dallas)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

34 Weeks Pregnancy

The name you want posted with your entry: Dallas

~Your story or thoughts if you want to include something:

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first child. I am expecting a little princess. My pregnancy was a total surprise. The baby’s father and I had separated in late March of this year, and I found out I am expecting in April. We decided that it was in everyone’s best interest if we tried to work things out. We started with a clean slate, moved to a new house and got all new furniture. Things were going well. I had the nursery completely set up, clothes washed and unpacked. I was ready for my princess’ arrival.

Two days ago, he served me with an eviction notice. I was forced to leave my home at 3:30 in the morning. Our relationship was perfect by no means, but this was completely out of left field. I am utterly broken and bitter. 8 months pregnant, and no where to go.

I can’t help but feel the pregnancy is the cause. Not the child, but the pregnancy. I feel like the worst mother in the world, because since this happened I have felt completely detached from my baby. Normally, I love feeling her move and wiggle. But every kick, every roll, reminds me of her daddy. Reminds me of the heartbreak. It’s not her fault, and I know that. I love her more than life… But I feel like being pregnant has caused problems. My self esteem has disappeared since gaining weight and stretch marks. And my self esteem disappearing made me very uneasy about the relationship, causing tensions between us.

I love my baby. I want her to be here. I want to regain my love for myself. I want my family back.

I’m quite sure this post didn’t even.make much sense. But it feels good to get it out.

I took these pictures of my belly today…. There’s nothing more I hate about myself than these marks.

~Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 34 weeks gestation

I HAte My Belly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

I had my daughter almost a year ago, I have tried to do everything I can to get rid of the stretch marks and the flab HELP. anyone know any exercise, and i’ve used bio-oil it seems to do the trick. before i got pregnant i weighed 97.9 and then after i was at 158, and now i am to 115 but STILL have a gut! HELP!! I am only 20 should feel and look beautiful.

Love/Hate Relationship With My Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 14 Comments

I was 18 when I got pregnant so being that young and still kind of dealing with the insecurities I had then didn’t help what was going to come along with pregnancy. I hadn’t started really gaining weight till about 5/6 months then I shot up in weight. My pre-pregnancy weight started at 150/155 I ended with a weight of 220… I will say having the father of my daughter gone all the time partying and being stuck alone with his family did not help but no excuse. We had a young and dumb relationship I caught him watching porn all the time so that didn’t help I knew it wasn’t my fault that he was the one with the problem but I just couldn’t help but to think I’m disgusting/fat/saggy/with stretch marks everywhere.

It’s been 1 1/2 yrs. since we split up but I still hate me. My friends and family say I look great but they are just friends and family they wouldn’t tell me what I really looked like(in my head) I am down to 174 with only 20 pounds to go to loose. I have done all the diets no eating..eating right/exercising/taking phentermine/liquid diet..Nothing makes me feel better. I am currently engaged to the most amazing God loving man I had longed for the past 6 years. He is amazing to not only me but most importantly my daughter! He says all the time how much he loves my body..That it’s beautiful and sexy mainly because of what I see as flaws. He says my body is a woman’s body that brought a beautiful little girl into to the world and that everything about it is perfect. WHY CANT I BELIEVE HIM????????? I love myself to an extent..but I feel such shame a selfishness because I know my body did something amazing and while that something amazing is laying on the floor in front of me playing with her barbies, so perfect, beautiful, loving and everything else a mom feels for their child I can’t help but to look at my sagging/stretch marks with extreme disgust…I feel ashamed in myself for even being so negative..

So with all that being said this website is AMAZING!! Y’all are an inspiration and completely beautiful! I don’t look at any of these pictures or stories how I look at myself..I see all of yall as beauty queens with “an amazing woman’s body”(like my fiancé tells me) Thank you all for sharing!!

God Bless!!!!!

Pregnancies: 1
Age: 24
Daughters Age: 5(6 in December!!! =D )

Hope is Not Lost (Laura)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

Age: 22
Number of pregnancies and births: 1
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 months PP

I discovered this site while I was pregnant. I was desperate, searching for answers of what my body would look like after baby. Now, 5 months after delivering a beautiful baby girl, I can say think my obsession was a little silly.

I, like so many others posts that I have read, was an insecure teenager. I was always chunky, from the time I was 10 to the time I was 18. Then I lost a bunch of weight. I was still self-concious, but deep down I thought I looked great. Well, that level of confidence lasted for 3 years: until I got pregnant at 21 years of age.

I started my pregnancy at 155 pounds (I am 5’9″). The week before I delivered, I think I weighed around 225. I say I think I weighed 225 because I had stopped looking at the scale at the doctor’s office. Being weighed while pregnant was never a fun experience! lol. Now, around 5 months after delivery, I weigh 186 pounds. I’m still working towards my goal of 155 pounds, or to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes, whichever comes first.

Losing weight has not been easy. Trying to exercise with a newborn in the house? Enough said. But I’ve been doing it. I’ve been watching my calories using an application on my phone and I’ve been working out whenever I have time left over after being a mom, working part-time, and being a full-time college student. I’ve lost 20 pounds since I came home from the hospital and my self-confidence is slowly returning. I feel great! I still do feel insecure at times though since my body is a lot different from most 22 year olds. Whenever that happens I quickly remind myself that I have been fortunate enough to have given life, and that it in itself was no easy task.

The main thing I would like to say to women who have experienced pregnancy is to love your body! And if you find that you just can’t manage to love it, do not settle! Do something about it! Whether it be exercising, or telling yourself every day how beautiful you are, if you are unhappy, then change something.

The following pictures are of me:

Pre-pregnancy
8/9 months pregnant at my baby shower
1 month PP
5 months PP (one front and one side belly. Forgive the broken mirror, I’m a bit clumsy sometimes.. :) )
And finally, my beautiful baby girl

My Dear Belly (M.B.)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

My name is M.B., I am 30 years old and live in germany. I’ve got one daughter. She is nine years old now and in all those years I never found a way to accept the shape of my belly. I am doing a lot of sports, which makes me skinner and more strength through the years, but nothing ever changed this skin looking they way it does. Whenever I stretch myself in a yoga-class, so that my belly gets to be seen, I feel ashamed and lose my grip. I totally loose my breathing and get out of training. Or in summertimes, when my daughter, my boyfriend and me go swimming I always think, that everybody is just starring at my shink. I often felt uncomfortable for my body and always felt like having the responsibility to work on that. So thank you for this wonderful idea, which I totally support. Let’s not feel bad about our humanity. Respect my belly! It carried a human.

Peace,
M.B.

Wanting to Love Something That Is Beautiful (Taylor)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 8 Comments

I have never been skinny, my whole life i have watched my mom who has 3 children share clothes with my younger sister when i could never do that. To this day they still do that but now it hurts me more… i am 18 i am 2 months postpartum 25 pounds too heavy and riddled with stretch marks. My mom has no stretch marks and shares clothes with my size 00 14 year old sister who walks around the house complaining about how fat she is. All i can do is look down at my tummy jello and compare myself to her. I have a beautiful daughter and everything my body went through to get to her is well past worth it but i can’t help looking at myself in the mirror and wanting to cry. I was hoping with the way my mom looks i would look ok after having my baby but i wasn’t that lucky. I don’t understand how I’m supposed to accept my body with the way my family looks. I was 17 when i got pregnant, i had just started wrestling and i was almost happy with my body. I had good muscle tone and i liked the size of clothes i wore (3 in jeans… now a size 7). I never thought that the postpartum period would actually be the hardest part of having a baby (body wise). I could accept my weight gain during pregnancy because everyone claimed it was going to get soo much better, that if i breastfed the weight would melt off and of course i would have my beautiful baby at the end. Well i have my adorable baby but where is the body everyone promised me? I feel terrible about not being able to accept it because i did earn it. My boyfriend told me he has never been more attracted to me because of earning all those marks on my body by making our daughter. I just can’t bring myself to feel the same way that he does. I want to love my body but i can’t see how i ever will.

Pictures:
1) pre-pregnancy
2) 32 weeks pregnant (before i really got my stretch marks )
3) my beautiful baby
4) 9 weeks postpartum front
5) 9 weeks postpartum side