Child Loss

3 Years and 80 Pounds (Sarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 25
4 pregnancies/1 live birth
Daughter: age 3 years, 3 months.

When I was 21 years old, I found out I was pregnant for the fourth time. I had three miscarriages prior to this pregnancy due to low levels of progesterone. I was told by the doctors that I would not be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy without hormone injections daily. Because of this, I refused to become excited about my pregnancy until I saw the doctor. I was afraid I would end up with a fourth miscarriage, but by some miracle I was able to carry my daughter E.J. without hormones! I stand at 5’11 and started my pregnancy at 190/195 lbs (I have a medium build and looked skinny at 190) but I walked out of the hospital at 262lbs. I was placed on bed rest for the final few months of my pregnancy due to pre-eclampsia (high bp etc) I was forced to quit my job and sit around. During this time I watched in horror as my entire body swelled. I can recall the day I phoned the doctor to ask them if it was normal that my feet were purple with white spots, they told me to hurry in. It was at the appointment that they determined they would have to induce my labor. A week or so later I was in the hospital being dosed with pitocin to start my labor. When I went in, I was 38 1/2 weeks and wasn’t even dilated at all. They had me on pitocin until the next day (overnight!) and when they checked me I hadn’t progressed at all. They told me this was unusual as most people are “thrown into labor” from this drug, but nope…not I. Instead, they broke my water. 2 hours later I was dilated to 3 and got my epidural, 7 1/2 hours after that I started pushing, and 30 minutes later she was born. Ten hours total for my first labor & birth. (I’m kind of afraid of how fast a second might go!) She was 6lbs 14 oz and I had gained over 70 pounds with her while I was pregnant. Fortunately, 30 pounds left within a week of my leaving the hospital but I spent the next 2 years working off the rest. I now weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy, but my body is entirely different.

The years it took me to lose weight were difficult ones. I was going through a divorce & a 1,000 mile move with a 2 year old and trying to lose weight. I did weight watchers for a few months and then quit when I realized I didn’t need to calorie count but rather switch to a healthier lifestyle. I’m a big foodie so I couldn’t just stop eating or minimize what I ate. Instead, I walked or worked out daily. Unfortunately, my body didn’t react to that at all. I lost 9 inches off my waist but my body never toned. To this day, three years later, there is no tone. I have been told after a loss of nearly 80 pounds I will likely need a little nip/tuck to get back to a flat tummy state.

Before finding SOAM, I was talking to a few friends who had similar issues but were only around 145 at their heaviest and thought they were “big girls.” This website has made me realize that I’m not alone in the battle of the baby blubber or the stretchmarked zebra tummy loathing. I’m so glad that I can physically SEE other women who have stomachs that look like mine, who struggle the way that I do, and who question if they’ll ever feel sexy/beautiful/confident again. After my divorce, I began dating my best friend from high school and we’ve been together since. He tells me I’m beautiful and that he is amazed by my body since it created a child. I wish I could see myself like that, through his eyes. I am thankful that after all I went through, I was able to carry my daughter to term and that she was a healthy baby. I know that she was my miracle baby and I wouldn’t trade what I went through for the world, but it would be nice if the rest of this baby blubber would just melt away…

The picture in the tank top is me at 262 pounds in 2008
The bathing suit picture is me at 262 in 2008 and recent pictures from October 2011.
The rest of the pictures were taken January 17th, 2012. (Size 12)
It took 3 1/2 years of hard work to get this far…and I’m no where near finished.
Note: I currently vary between 185-190 pounds.

She Was Worth it All (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 5 Comments

Age: 22

Number of pregnancies: 3
Number of births: 2
Age of children: 14 months

I was 16 years old the first time I got pregnant, and I was petrified. I didn’t know what to do, or who to turn to, and my boyfriend made it quite clear that abortion was the only logical choice. He told me having a baby would ruin our lives, and that our families would be so disappointed in us. I knew he was right, I knew I was too young, and I knew my parents would be devastated, so I did it. Part of what drove me to my decision was fear because I had no one to talk to, but a big part was him, if he couldn’t support me in keeping our baby, I just didn’t feel as though I could do it. I was 11 weeks and 4 days the day of my procedure, on August 3, 2006, and my due date was February 18, 2007.

Two years later after my boyfriend and I had just moved into our first place together, I found out I was pregnant again. We were both working, supporting ourselves 100% financially, but that didn’t make it any less terrifying. When I told him he was extremely upset and pushed for abortion, again. But I told him no, I just couldn’t put myself through that a second time, there was no way, so I told him if he didn’t like my decision he could leave. The next thing I knew he was packing up all of his stuff, and then he left.

Once he left I questioned whether or not I should really go through with having a baby, because at that point in time I thought for sure I’d be doing it alone. After a few weeks of living with his mom though, she managed to talk some sense into him, and he came back home. Things were still not easy between us though, he was angry and distant, and I was scared, and because of everything going on between us only a few people knew until I was about 18 weeks. At that point in my pregnancy he finally decided to come around, and even started showing some excitement, but then everything took a turn for the worst.

At our 20 week ultrasound on October 9, 2008, we were told that our baby did not have a heart beat, and that because of the position the baby was laying in, they couldn’t tell us the sex, either. I was heartbroken, and my world felt like it came crashing down. I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know what there was left to live for. Two days later I was induced into labor, and after 8 hours I delivered my baby by myself because no one made it into my room in time. When the nurse finally came, she told us it was a little boy, and she cut his cord, wrapped him up, and handed him to us. We got to hold him for 12 hours before we had to let them take him away, and that was truly the hardest part, just watching that nurse walk out of the room with him, knowing we’d never see him again. We named him Liam, and he was born on October 12, 2008, at 20 weeks and 2 days, weighing 10oz and measuring 7.5in long.

16 months later I found out that once again, I was pregnant. I really wanted to be excited this time, but right away I started having a lot of spotting and cramping. I went to the ER twice, and both times they told me it was a threatened miscarriage, so I expected the worst. I was heartbroken all over again, and it felt like I would never get to have a baby. But despite all the spotting, my little baby held on, and we later found out via ultrasound that I had partial placenta previa and a subchorionic hemorrhage which was the cause of all the problems. They both resolved by themselves though, and in the end I was able to have my natural birth that I’d always wanted. My little Amelia was born on November 17, 2010, at 40 weeks and 1 day, weighing 8lbs 3oz and measuring 21in long. She is my everything. (We picked the name Amelia Mae because it has Liam’s name in the middle of it).

During my pregnancy with my daughter I didn’t get a single stretch mark until I hit 37 weeks, when she very noticeably dropped. I wanted to cry when I first saw them, but they’ve faded a lot since having her, so I don’t mind them as much now. Luckily none of them were too deep, and most of them were below my belly button.

The first picture below is from when I was actually in labor, I wanted to get one last belly shot lol. The other two are from today, at 14 months post partum

Thanks for letting me share.

Is She an Angel (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

I’m 22 years old and I’ve had a rough couple of years with love, I started dating this guy and he wasn’t exactly treating me the best, I knew I deserved better but didn’t have the self respect to care. After four months of dating him, we found out we were pregnant, when I told him it was a yes the first the he said was “now your stuck with me forever” not exactly the kind of thing you want to here from your partner when your expecting. I was terrified and didn’t know what to do, I love children and have wanted them my entire life, but the situation I was in was not ideal for me or the baby. We stayed together and I continued to let him treat me with disrespect and not plan for the future with our new baby, but I thought a child needs their mom and their dad, where my parents had split up I didn’t want that for my children. We went on to find out it was a little girl, my moms fourth granddaughter, you can say my nieces who are 4, 6, 8 were all over the moon with excitement for their new addition to the bunch. After about another month of continuous stress from my partner I decided that I needed to be as healthy as I could for her and to cut out all of the stresses and decide to better mine and hers life. I left my boyfriend and found that after the stress was gone I could focus more positive energy on her, we decided to name her Chloe. As soon as I found out she was a girl I knew her name was Chloe, it was just in my mind from the start. I spent the next 4 months painting her room pink, setting up her crib, putting away her clothes and buying her new curtains for her nursery, I swam every week and she loved it I would feel her kick and move, I bought giant headphones for my belly and would play her music, country which is my favourite, or classical because I heard it helps the brain develop. I began to feel this joy for my baby girl as she grew and filled my tummy with love, everything was going so well, my friends threw me a shower as well as my family. There was soo much stuff for Chloe her room was overflowing with things, she was the most anticipated baby ever, so it was getting down to the wire, one week left, 5 days, 4 days. After 3 days of being overdue I felt this weird pressure but after calling the hospital and going through the checklist they said I was fine and not to worry, when I woke up in the morning my whole life changed. I hadn’t felt Chloe move for at least 3 hours and realized this wasn’t like her, I started to get really worried, I went up to the hospital where they asked me to get up on the bed and lay back while they check her heart beat, standard procedure. After about a half an hour of searching the tears were streaming down my face as the nurses told me not to panic they called in an ultrasound tech to come check for her heartbeat, I closed my eyes and prayed to god as they checked…and checked…and checked. Complete silence in the room of 6 doctors and one of my best friends I knew she was gone, as I felt the words coming out of my mouth, and heard the answer from the doctor “im sorry hunny she is gone” After calling my family and friends I got into bed in the room, and for two days I stayed there waiting to deliver her, finally she came, the most beautiful precious girl I have ever seen, she was 9 lbs 10 oz and 22 inches long, she was huge and I felt proud that I had nourished her, I felt as though even though she was gone, I did all I could to care for my baby. We baptized her and spent time holding her and kissing her cheeks and saying our goodbyes to our precious Chloe we had all been waiting to met. I felt all of my dreams and hopes and my heart completely breaking into a million pieces, everything I had worked so hard for and changed so much about myself for was just gone. Its been a week and 4 days since she has been gone, it feels like a lifetime, I miss her every single moment, I catch myself feeling my tummy for her, or thinking I cant drink that or I shouldnt eat this its not good for Chloe. My daughter changed my entire life without even being here in front of me, she taught me to love myself, to take care of myself and to know that their is love much greater than any other love alive, and that is the love a parent has for his/her child. mabye God sent Chloe to me to help me get through this point in my life, to give me something to look forward to, to be a good person. Now all I think about is the day I get to see Chloe in heaven and I’ll do everything to make her proud of me, I have a guardian angel watching over me, for the rest of my life. At the funeral a few people had pointed out to me that her photo looked like there was a halo and wings, so was Chloe an angel sent by God to spread love and inspire me and everyone else to never take one breathe for granted, either way my daughter is the most special thing that has ever happened to me, and I will never ever forget her.

Resented Before He’s Even Born (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Pregnant, Submissions 21 Comments

My age – 29
4 pregnancies, 2 early miscarriages, 1 birth, currently pregnant
Oldest son is nearly 6, currently 29 weeks pregnant

Last entry here.

I came a long way since my last submission to SOAM. Back then, I was overweight (around 75kg), pretty miserable, still caught in the throes of Post Natal Depression. In the three years after that submission, I ended my relationship with my sons father, I met the love of my life who I married, and I finally lost the baby weight. In the end, it wasn’t diet and exercise that did it – I tried that. I’d exercise 5 times a week and count every calorie that went into my mouth, and I wouldn’t lose a gram. In the end it was pure starvation that did it. The constant compliments helped, the “you’re wasting away”s and “you look great”s drove me to eat less and less. I’d never felt so thin, or so good. Eventually, my eating returned to normal, and my weight fortunately stabilised at 58kg (I’m 5’3”), I felt I’d won the battle.

I had never thought I would have another baby. After giving birth to a screamer who never slept, developing the PND that nearly killed us both, and never expecting to meet anyone let alone someone who was father material, I’d all but ruled it out. When my husband came along, everything changed. He is a wonderful man, selfless and considerate, the best step father I could have ever hoped for for my son, the best husband I ever could have asked for. We started TTC in May 2010, and got our BFP in July.

Within weeks, I’d already gained back most of what I’d lost. At 29 weeks pregnant, I have gained more than 20kg over my lowest weight, tipping the scales at 79kg. I look in the mirror, and I am repulsed by what I see. In what is meant to be a wonderful time, I am resentful. Resentful of the baby who is causing this weight gain, resentful of myself for not being able to control it, resentful of my husband for wanting to have a baby in the first place. This baby moves inside me and I want to scream at it. Every time I step on the scale and see I have gained, it leaves me devastated. I walk around 20km a week as we don’t have a car, I drink 2 litres of water a day, I have an active lifestyle. I don’t eat huge meals or binge, I eat well made home cooked meals, fresh fruits and veges and whole grains. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this. This baby and pregnancy feel like a punishment rather than something to be celebrated.

Every other woman out there seems to be gaining normal amounts, the worst part is reading women on internet forums complaining they haven’t gained a thing. I seem to be the only one who is struggling. My pregnant friends are positively svelte compared to me. Every pregnant woman I pass on the street looks like she stepped out of a magazine. I’m beyond devastated by how things have turned out, and my biggest worry is that this baby will be born and won’t be worth it. I’ll get another screamer. Another baby I will resent. More PND. My heart says “it’s pregnancy! enjoy it! love yourself!” but with every weigh in my mind says no, and every thing I put it my mouth fills me with guilt. Every kick pushes me deeper into resentment.

Photos – after meeting my husband but before getting pregnant; 28 weeks pregnant

Miscarriage after giving my son up for adoption 20 years ago. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 17 Comments

I am a 37 year old mother I have a son whom I gave up for adoption at the age of 16 giving him a better life. Struggling with the thought of if I did the right thing all those years fighting suicide and many heartaches including cancer I managed to happily become pregnant last year and today would have been my babies due date. I was only 7w eeks along when I found out I was pregnant never missed a period, nothing I was so so excited when I finally heard the news I was having a baby the excitement was short lived I delivered a baby in my bathtub 2 weeks later with what I thought was just a kidney stone pain. It was the most excruciating heartbreaking time of my life. I had been cramping all day long but knew already I had a kidney stone something not rare for me. I was in so much pain I decided to get in the bath. Everything happened so fast I did not even have time to drive the 40 min from my small rural town to the city where the hospital was. When I entered the bath I had the most severe pain and started noticing small amount of blood my husband got me out and we went to research it on the computer, and called the dr. I could not find anything that truly explained what a miscarriage felt like what it looked like. My doctor called us back about 20 min later by this time I was already back in the bath trying to relieve the pain. I minutes later had a severe contraction which I now know was the pain and delivered my 9 week old baby.

We called our pastor and he came over and went to the hospital with us. I was bleeding so intensely and was in shock he and my husband boxed our lil baby up I was told by a cruel nurse to just flush it like it was a gold fish or something . We took it to the hospital with us and since it was considered a fetus there was nothing they could do at the hospital I was told I could take my baby and bury it at home in my flower garden or flush it or they could dispose of it. I was like really? How cruel its my baby. I chose to take it home and we buried it under a favorite tree with our pastor.

I am only writing this hoping I can be of help with someone hurting and or wanting to know what a miscarriage feels like . What a baby looks like I was told by the nurses at that size many do not even see their baby. They usually just pass it in the toilet. I however want others to know that I feel your pain and grieve with you. Your baby is your baby the minute you conceive. At 9 weeks I could make out his/her lil fingers , a lil mouth and even a nose. My body is not attractive anymore I received stretch marks when I was 16 with my son. I feel so ugly on the outside even at 37. I thought when I was in my 20s I would just get used to them and well they would fade , they have but are still there and I have a constant reminder that I gave someone a gift more precious than one could imagine.

Attached are 3 photos one of my miscarried baby last year and 2 of me 20 years after giving birth to my son stretch marks and all

Updated here.

5 Years Later (Dolly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions, Update 2 Comments

It has been 5 years since the worst day of my life. I lost my daughter . My children at home ( then 3 and 4) were never the same. Since that day I had 2 miscarriages. When I found out I was pregnant again my youngest , Jacob (then 7) would ask every day, “mom do you think this baby will come home with us?” I had to believe, I had to trust and I had to allow him to heal. My oldest, Sarah, was not as worried, (then 8) or so it seemed. She never asked, it was not until the baby was born that she seemed to release the fears. She cried and hugged her new sister and told me how she was so afraid to think that this baby may not breath. I never told them I felt that way too. I never told them that I would do kick counts several times a day, that I would cry and talk to her in my womb. I never told them that I had bad dreams.

My greatest fear besides death was that I would call my new daughter Chelsea (her sister in Heaven). I did and often .

With prayer and as Savanna ( born 6-4-11) became part of my daily life, I stopped calling her Chelsea.

Today I am happy to say that Savanna is dearly loved for herself, that my children no longer fear loosing her and that we all cherish her.

Thank you Chelsea, your death made me see so much more clearly how sweet every breath is, how wonderful every smile and how precious every moment is with ALL my children. You served a great calling for such a little person.

We all love you and Savanna will hear about you when she is older.

I love you my sweet baby.

You can read more of my story with my original post and update. And here is her web page.

Thank you for letting me share my story… again

I am currently 40 , I have 3 children 9, 8, and 6 months
I have had 1 stilbirth and 2 miscarriages.

Baby Fever is Real (Serenity)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Complications in Pregnancy, Endometriosis, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 12 Comments

Picture 1 is me and baby #1 at 1 month
Picture 2 is me and baby #2 at 6 months
Picture 3 is me and both boys baby #2 is 1 wk (not a great picture, but one I am proud of)
and finally Picture 4 is an old family picture.

Good morning.

I am a mother of 2 wonderful little boys (2 and 4) I haven been pregnant twice, but lost a twin in my 2nd pregnancy. My first pregnancy could not have gone better, along with my delivery, my body knows how to make big healthy babies. I had a few complications during my 2nd pregnancy, started with the miscarriage(Moderate blood loss), then early labour at 25 wks, had an aneurism burst on my placenta at 30 wks (low-moderate blood loss), and then I was pre-eclamptic from 32 wks until 6 weeks post partum. The worst part was the blood pressure, but was able to control it with medication, and have no issues now (24.5 mnths pp)

Despite any complications, I took it in stride, and loved my pregnancy, I was told just a couple weeks ago that I handle pregnancy very well with minimal complaining.

I have always wanted to be a mom, I’ve known that since I was a small child, I took on the mother role for my 3 siblings very young, and I always wanted 4 children, and wanted to be finished having kids by 26. ( I am now 24)

I was diagnosed with endometrioses at 15, my mother also had it, started having symptoms at 24, and needed a hysterectomy by 34. With the amount of scar tissue being removed yearly, my doctor wasnt sure what the likelihood of healthy pregnancies would be. Menstruation was becoming a terrible experience. Like I said my first pregnancy couldnt have been better!! Delivered a 8lb 8oz baby naturally with 6 bearable hrs of labour, and 2 pushes. He was born Nov 07, and my period didnt return until Sept 08, it was wonderful. The periods I was having were irregular, and not overly uncomfortable, and then we got pregnant again the end of Jan/beginning of Feb 09, Gave birth to a healthy baby boy Oct 09, and period came back about April 10, and the last 3 months have been devastatingly painful again.

At the beginning of our relationship I was very upfront with my husband in letting him know I wanted 4 kids, and want to start tomorrow (i am lucky I’m not still single) and here we are 5 yrs later, arguing about #3. He all of a sudden has no interest in anymore children, and I am in a very tough place to be in. I want another baby, and am having physical “symptoms” I have been on the pill since Jan 2011, and was completely “dried up” in Feb. I have recently started lactating (after increasing the dose of the pill) I get emotional at the announcement of a new pregnancy, I am becoming bitter toward women who complain their husbands want more, and they’re done, and that is not the person I am. My uterus aches (literally) at the thought of pregnancy. I am fearful the longer we wait not only is it going to be harder on my youngest, but the new baby will be left out alot, since the first 2 are almost exactly 24 month part, and have an amazing bond. I still have all my baby stuff, and have even started purchasing baby girl items (Yes I know this is Crazy, and I question myself about it, and yes my husband knows) I am not one of those women who would consider “tricking” my husband into having another baby, I dont want him to resent me, or the new baby, but I really feel my clock ticking, and dont want to lose the opportunity to have another baby, because I am not sure I could forgive my husband for that.

If anyone reading this physically cannot have a baby I truly pray my post doesn’t offend you, I do truly love and cherish the 2 beautiful children I have, and of course would be happy if thats all I was given. But I am literally aching for another baby. I have done my best to project that to my husband, and just not sure what else to do.

Thanks everyone for listening, I dont have alot of people in my life to talk to openly, I am always having to guard myself, and filter my words.

Deeper Than My Skin (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 26 Comments

As I sit here now, needing to reach out to those who may understand, those who may be able to share guidance, I am 27 years old and 6 months pregnant with my third baby.

To put briefly what has led me to this point in the simplest way is this: I met my husband 3 years and 7 months ago, we have been married for 3 years and one month, we have a 2.7 year old son, we lost a baby boy at 19 weeks in january and just before our sons first birthday I discovered that my husband had been sneaking porn and when confronted he looked into my eyes and lied… again and again over the next year. This completely destroyed my trust in him and also my self worth. It has been a battle to open his eye’s to how disrespected I feel. Had he been open and honest about it things would have been very different. As it is now I am in a state of anxiety most days, our relationship is simply woeful.

All I want is to feel respected and truly loved… that’s not more than I deserve is it?

Today he told me that he is ‘not into me’ anymore, that he loves me and wont leave me but just ‘isnt into me’. It felt like a knife through my heart. I use to be everything to him, and now I just feel like a train wreck, a mess of a person with emotions that are all over the place and uncontrollable. On the outside you would not think that I had such low self-esteem, such desperate thoughts and that some days I wish I simply didn’t exist… people on the street come to tell me how beautiful I am, but this makes no difference to the deep hurt that is basically eating away my sense of self. I feel like a shell of a person with nothing to offer. I have no friends, no one to turn to when desperation finds me crying on the floor. My husband does’nt comfort me, he doesn’t want to anymore…

I have come to realise that it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside, if your partner isn’t attracted to the inner you your screwed. I cant love myself, I don’t feel beautiful and I feel so guilty for the effects this all has on our son and my little one who I know feels everything that I feel.

This pregnancy means so much to me, I was desperate after loosing our little boy to feel ‘full’ again. I do feel so blessed to be pregnant and am enjoying crocheting nappy covers and planning another homebirth etc But in this moment I’m hurting and am struggling. I imagined that being pregnant again would have my husband and I reconnect, that he would view me in a new light and all would be well… wishful thinking. I hope so much that I have a more positive view of myself by the time labour arrives, feeling this pathetic will have such a terrible effect on giving birth and bonding.

At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what you look like or how ‘lucky’ or ‘unlucky’ you may think yourself to be after having a child, all that truly matters is the way you feel about yourself and having your partner appreciate, respect and love you for you. If the way I felt on the inside showed on the outside I would not be getting compliments. I feel like a hideous person. I feel that something is so wrong with me that I cant even let myself befriend anyone.

I feel that my outside appearance is a lie. I will attach a couple of photo’s of me taken a couple of weeks ago and a before pic… If I was to be honest about the way I look then I would say I have very little to complain about, as with any woman there are things I would change, such as the cellulite on my thighs, my breasts that are completely covered in stretch marks (I’m not exaggerating!) and my hereditary double chin from my great granny… but to feel adored, respected and wanted for the person I am inside would mean so very much more.

Really trying to be positive about my body. (Mia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

Im 5ft 7 and have always been a very slim girls to the point where other girls were unkind at school with regards to my weight. My pre-pregnancy weight was under 8 stone.

I fell in love at 17 and we moved in together, got engaged at 18 at was married at 19. Shortly to follow was my first pregnancy. We planned for it and fell lucky after 3 months of ‘trying’. At my 20 week scan we discovered i was having a boy and we were so thrilled and happy. We chose his name then and and i had a normal healthy pregnancy. A week and a half past my due date i went into a very slow labour which took about four days off and on!! looking back i suppose thats pretty normal as my body had never done this before but at the time and being so young i was a little over whelmed. After 2 long hours of pushing i gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy at a bouncy 9lbs!!

He was perfect and i breast fed with alot of support from my husband and my mum. My tummy after giving birth was stretched and the belly button area looked strange. Weight wise i got back to pre- pregnancy and after i stopped breastfeeding at 5 months my breasts and nipples looked great, pretty much pre pregnancy, but my stomach really bothered me.

When our son was 6 months old he died of sudden infant death sydrome. It felt like the end of my world, our life and like my heart and soul were irreparably damaged to lose him.

3 weeks after his funeral i found out that i was pregnant. We had conceived days before he had died. We felt this to be a gift from our son to keep us going, and it did.

The following year our daughter was born; a normal pregnancy and birth . . . but a whopping 10 lbs 6. We were so happy to have her but were terrified of losing her, to the point where i almost felt like i was living with the responsibility of keeping her breathing. Having said that we enjoyed her and shes now 5, the most beautiful spirited little girl. But in those early months still grieving for my son and having my daughter i think somewhere a long the line i became a little obsessed with my tummy. It had obviously changed not just from pre – babies but since after having my daughter. Since she was so large and my frame is small the skin on my tummy stretched irreparably leaving me with something i felt that i could not live with. So i threw myself into exercise and rubbing creams in 3-4 times a day. After a few months of this my husband became concerned about me and suggested i talk to the eticGP about my tummy. I did an the GP was unhelpful at best; at worst incredibly un-sympathetc to my situation. So i went to see a plastic surgeon and ended up having a partial tummy tuck. My muscle werent touched but the excess skin was taken away. This left me with a big abdominal scar and false belly button but i felt happy with the results. It says something for my state of mind, because i didnt think beyound that day and getting that skin off my tummy. Did i sit and think ‘am i going to have more children?…No.

A year later and we were broody. When our daughter was 2 and half I gave birth to another little boy. He weighed in at 8 lbs 10. He was another beautiful incredible gift. I breastfed again, this time for 13 months and the month i stopped feeding . . . . i conceived our latest and final addition (my husband has had that special appointment earlier this year at the doctors…)

My tummy did not have the loose skin but my scar was very prominant after having been stretched and my breasts were a huge disapointment. After stopping feeding there were a few months between the feeding hormones going and pregnancy hormones filling them back up. They were not pretty.

We were excited, but nervous how we would cope with 3 so close in age. I was also scared. How would my body be after having four babies? How would my breasts look after another breastfeeding stint?
9 months later and we had a another little boy, or not so little at 9lbs 10!! Again perfect and he has completed our family. I stopped feeding when he was 6 months old. He is one next week. i am 27.

How is my body? Well i have been running and exercising for the past 6 months. Rubbing cream into my tummy, scar and breasts like a derranged woman and eating very healthy foods, in hope against hope that i can maybe feel, dare i say it sexy again. But the truth is that even after all i have been through losing my son, and being sent 3 amazing children i am not happy with my body anymore. I am trying to come to terms with it, and all of its changes but the ways in which its changed I have really struggled with. I find it hard to be intimate with my husband and i have really bad days where i feel so ugly.

Here is my moaning list;

I am covered in silver stretch marks, skin hangs funny on my tummy when i lean forward, my belly button resembles a bum hole! My nipples are 5 times the size they used to be and are showing no signs of getting smaller 6 months after weaning and my breast are stretched mark covered deflated saggy sacks. My weight is just over 8 stone.

I have looked on this site for years and finally thought i will make a post. I am slowly learning to love my new body, because at the end of the day it doesnt really matter as long as i am healthy and have the people i love around me, there isnt much more i need x it just sometimes still gets to me :(

My New Perspective (Amy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 15 Comments

~Age: 28
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: Baby #1: 2 years. Baby #2: 6 months

Here I am. Almost six months after the birth of my second daughter. Complete with stretch marks, sagging skin, extra weight, and everything just…misplaced, for lack of a better word.

I had two babies in less than two years, my second being rather large. To say I got stretch marks is an understatement. I have been drenched in stretch marks! I remember when I was pregnant with my first daughter and the stretch marks starting popping up, and the weight piled on. As ashamed as I almost am to admit this, I was sad and upset. I remember crying as I was trying on maternity clothes, thinking about how my body would never be the same. By the end of the pregnancy my entire abdomen, hips and thighs were covered in stretch marks, despite every effort by me, covering myself in every cream and body lotion I could find. Nothing worked. I was just predisposed to get these things. By the time my second daughter came along the stretch marks had faded. But she, being her strong-willed and determined self, added her own marks. While my first daughter decorated my stomach (now nicknamed her “old apartment” by my husband) with mostly vertical stripes, my second was much more creative. She added horizontal lines, squiggly lines, and extended the vertical ones even higher. She was much larger than my first daughter, so the saggy skin was greatly intensified. I would look in the mirror at my post baby body and cringe. I would think, how on Earth could my husband EVER find this attractive?!! But, oddly enough, he somehow does.

Something happened recently that has entirely changed my outlook on my body, my flaws, and my “ruined” abdomen. This story is very sad, but I wanted to share it because it was been so inspirational to me.

On Christmas Eve, 2010 my twin sister found out that she was pregnant. I remember her calling me just minutes after the two lines appeared on the pregnancy test. She was excited, and scared, and a little in shock, as most newly pregnant women are. Her pregnancy progressed well. Everything was fine and uneventful. I remember the day that she got her first stretch mark. She called to tell me about it, and she was EXCITED! She was actually HAPPY about it! She said that that stretch mark showed that her baby was growing. That was the most important thing to her. She was not upset in the least. She was thrilled that her pregnancy was progressing, and that her baby was getting bigger. She had been having premonitions that something wasn’t quite right, and that her baby wasn’t big enough. Everyone, her doctors included, assured her that everything was fine. To her, that stretch mark was just more reassurance that her baby was, in fact, growing.

Tragically and suddenly, at almost 37 weeks pregnant, my sister lost her baby. The details are incredibly sad, so I won’t share them all. She had to deliver her baby and say goodbye. It was, without a doubt, one of hardest things I can ever imagine someone having to go through. After she had been released from the hospital, and was sent home, she was telling me how her abdomen had shrunk down so much. How strange that felt…that her pregnant belly was gone, and she was left feeling completely empty. She said that she still had just that one stretch mark. I asked her if it made things harder to look at it. She said no. She said that her one stretch mark would always be proof that her baby existed. Those words stuck with me, and will stay with me forever.

Now I look at my stretch marks and saggy, floppy skin quite a bit differently. I was BLESSED with the opportunity to carry my babies full term. I had healthy, full term pregnancies, and I was rewarded with two, big babies. Sadly, so many women aren’t this fortunate, which I’ve now seen firsthand. I’ve realized that the sacrifice of my more youthful and skinnier body has been more than worth it.

My sister’s pregnancy was the only time she was given with her baby. I know that she will remember and truly cherish the memories of every kick, every hiccup, every elbow jab. Now I feel that because I was lucky enough to bring my babies home, feed my babies, cuddle with my babies, and raise my babies, the last thing I should do is complain about my less than perfect mid-section.

When I look in the mirror now, do I think my body is pretty, or attractive? No, definitely not. But this body has been through a lot in the past two and half years. Two births in 23 months, a combined weight gain of over 70 lbs, 18+ months of breastfeeding. It takes its toll, and I am grateful for all of it. I’m PROUD of what my body has done and, most importantly, what it has given me. My pregnancies were, by far, the most exciting times of my life. I often miss the moments of pure excitement and anticipation. I miss rubbing my pregnant belly, and bonding with my baby before she was even born. Both pregnancies were such specials times that I will always look back on with so much fondness.

My little niece, who I was never lucky enough to meet, and my incredibly amazing sister have taught me so much and inspired so many, and I wanted to share this story with you. These stretch marks are here to stay, and that’s fine with me.