Child Loss

Smokin’ Hot (Katie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Surgical Scar (Non-Cesarean) 18 Comments

Smokin’ Hot! (Katie)

Age: 36
Pregnancies/births: 11/3 (8 miscarriages)
Ages of children: 4.5, 2, 2 weeks

My son is two weeks old today, and as I was about to get in the shower (yay, shower!), I saw myself in the mirror and thought, I am smokin’ hot! I should submit pics to SOAM! So I got my eyepod and took a couple of pics. Don’t think I don’t have stretch marks; I just don’t have any from pregnancy, which given my losses, makes me sad. All 3 of my children were born by spontaneous, unmedicated vaginal birth. The scar on my belly is from the burst appendix I had at 20.

Photos are my henna belly at 37w4d and front and side views 2 weeks postpartum.

Second Pregnancy, Trying to Avoid the Mistakes – Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 4 Comments

Previous entry here.

My age: 25
Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 1 birth
I have a 2 year old son and I am currently 23 weeks pregnant.

Technically this is my third pregnancy since the second one ended after 9 weeks in a miscarriage, but I refer to it as my second pregnancy because it’s the second baby I’m gonna have.
After my miscarriage in July 2012 I became pregnant again immediately and I am currently 23 weeks along.
Everything is looking perfect this time and at the last ultrasound we were told that we are having another boy! I know this is a horrible thing to say, but at the first moment I was a little bit disappointed, somehow I had thought that it was a girl this time. Fortunately these negative feelings vanished and I can honestly look forward to welcoming this little boy in our lives!

With this pregnancy I started showing very early and I am wearing maternity clothes since I’ve been 12 weeks along. As I wrote in my last entry, it took me a long time to accept the changes my body went through with the first pregnancy, so I do my best to not become as huge as I did the last time. You can call me shallow or vain and I know that there are many things way more important than my physical appearance, but I also know how unhappy I become if I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin.

I don’t go to the gym as often as I want to, only once or twice a week, because I work, I study and I have a 2 yr old to take care of.
I try to eat healthy most times, but I developed an immense sweet tooth with this pregnancy and sometimes I give in to my cravings.
I have gained 4kgs (nearly 9lbs) so far, which is more than I wanted to have at this point but still better than in my first pregnancy.
I have bought maternity jeans in the smallest size available and aim to wear them till the end.
And I also use every cream, lotion and oil I can find although I know that probably doesn’t help anything.

So although I know that chances are not very good since I already got stretchmarks with my rather small first pregnancy bump, I’m still hoping and working for a body that I can feel fine with postpartum.

Pictures:
#1: only 11 weeks along!
#2 – #4: 23 weeks (the last one is not very good, I included it because the stretchmarks are really obvious here)
All stretchmarks from first pregnancy.

Isabelle, I love you! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 28 Comments

Number of pregnancies 4 (2) miscarriages (2)abortions

Please don’t judge me I have made mistakes just as any human being in the world ! I am 22 years old I was 17 when I had my first pregnancy I lived with my bf we were both in nursing school in Mexico and very happy for the little boy that was coming I miscarried on my 18th birthday of may 2008 was 3 months. I was grieving so much that I wanted to replace that baby I got pregnant in august and in October that year I came back to los Angeles to have my baby here the doctors couldn’t find a heartbeat so they performed a d&e. I was deveatated and became greatly depressed . I started to just focused on my school and a few months later of the following year I started a relationship with my childhood neighbor we dated for 1 year and a half and that’s when I became pregnant again I was so happy I was finally gonna have a baby , unil I told him I was pregnant he changed completely …I found out he had cheated on me all along with 10 other girls and I had contracted chlamydia from him I was devestated once again he told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and he wasn’t gonna help me that if I had the baby he was gonnamake my life miserable . I was petrified !! I cried everyday throughout my whole pregnancy I had no ones support my dad was against me having a baby at all at this young age . So I in January 2011 I was 17 weeks pregnant I had my first abortion. And I never saw him again ! I became even more depressed started drinking so much even started doing drugs . Later that year I started working in a convalescent home as a nurse assistant with the elderly and I found peace and happiness there I felt better being around them and taking care of them . In march 2012 I met what I believed was my soul mate . In April the following month I was pregnant again with a little girl that I named Isabelle I was extremely happy I would finally have a baby in my arms what I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother . The happiness didn’t last long me and isabelles father were living together …I found out he had been hiding from me that he was still legally married. I contacted the wife by looking through his phone and of course she said she too was pregnant . He changed completely with me I couldn’t trust him again everyday with him and his mother was a living hell for me . Arguing everyday until I couldn’t take it anymore I was 3 months pregnant when we got seperated . I felt lonely scared with no jib no one to help me but him but it was too late he said he didnt wanna be with me anymore he even started saying that my baby was not his it broke my heart . He prefered his family to our daughter and I . I begged him to work things out between us he said it was too late that he was going back to his wife . I was confused I felt betrayed I felt like trash I thought why bring this little girl into the world only to suffer how would I explain this to her when she got older ? So with my heart shattered into a million pieces I went to planned parenthood I was 20 weeks …it took me that long to decide if I wanted to do it or not. On Sept 5 of 2012 they stopped isabelles heart on Sep 6 they put me to sleep and took her out that day I felt like I died with her . I will never be the same again . I miss her so much . I regret so much I have nightmares about it.I cry everyday . I tried hurting my self . No one understands what I feel all this guilt I feel ! I would do anything to have her back in my belly kicking me waking me up at night’s . Her kicks were the most beautiful ..memorable moments of my life . I have started going to church I confessed and god knows I regret it . I only hope he grants me the wish of being a mother if not all I want is to be with isabellee and my other babies …what has happened to me is a living hell and I don’t wish it upon anyone . Thank u for reading .

Just Can’t Get Over It (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 37 Comments

~Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years

I met my husband 6 years ago. We dated for 6 months before he proposed and then got married 6 months later. We then got pregnant just a month after getting married, but sadly ended in a miscarriage. We didn’t give up though, we tried again and got pregnant again 2 months later and we had a beautiful baby girl who is now 4 years old. I love my husband more than words can say and he is the best thing that ever happened to me, but he has a problem that deeply bothers me and I just don’t think he gets it. I discovered he was looking at porn when my daughter was about a year old. I confronted him a couple of times and he flat out lied to my face about it. I let it go for a little while, thinking maybe I was just overreacting and it wasn’t as big of a deal as I was making it out to be. I just couldn’t let it go though. I found myself sneaking into his phone to look at his history and it was filled with pages of porn videos. I confronted him about it again and told him that it bothers me that he would rather look at porn than have sex with his own wife (by that time it WAS affecting our sex life) He told me that he loved me and my body and I needed to believe him when he told me that and said that he would quit watching the porn. That was probably about a year and a half ago and he is STILL watching it even after telling me he wouldn’t. It’s so hard to trust him now. I just wish he could understand how bad it hurts when I find this stuff on his phone. I don’t take compliments well and when he tells me I look good or something I just roll my eyes or something and it frustrates him. It’s VERY hard to believe him when he tells me these things. If I did look as good as he’s saying I do, then why is there a need to go look at porn sites every day?? He could just be saying it to try to make me feel better or because he HAS to say it. I wish I could just get inside his head and know what he’s thinking. Guys always say its normal for them to look at porn…. normal doesn’t make it right, or make it hurt any less. I haven’t confronted him since because I feel as if I’m just wasting energy on it. I think about it daily though and it bothers me so much. The past year I’ve lost a lot of weight I went from 186lb to 148lb and have gotten attention from guys. I would NEVER cheat on my husband but It feels GREAT to hear it from someone that doesn’t HAVE to say it. I love the attention. I still hate my body though and I don’t think I’ll ever learn to love it. I’m trying my hardest though! I just want the porn to go away and have a normal relationship without all the worry and hurt and feel wanted and loved!

Picture is at 148lbs a couple of months ago!

I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter. (Maureen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean (Vertical), Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Child Loss, Complications During or After Birth, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 22 Comments

Age: 32
Pregnancy/birth: 1
Children: 1 angelgirl in heaven, passed away 3 days after birth

Title: I’m still alive, but we lost our precious daughter
Name: Maureen, Proud mama of Chloë*
Country: The Netherlands

On Monday evening the 25th of July 2011 I was brought to the hospital by Ambulance, because of serious belly ache. I passed out several times. By the time I arrived in the hospital I was in shock. I was rushed to surgery to get the baby out. The doctors thought of a placental abruption. But in surgery they found out that I had an internal bleeding, I lost about 3.5 liters of blood. At 23.59h our beautiful daughter Chloë was born. The moment she was born she was not breathing, so they helped her to get her breathing right. Her heartbeat was stable.
Later that night Chloë was transferred to a specialized hospital because the doctors worried about her brainactivity as a result of the lack of oxygen.

After surgery I was brought to the Intensive Care, where I was kept asleep and on the respirator. My condition was stable at that time.

My sister in law and my husband went to the hospital where Chloë was taken to. She was brought to the NICU. She was also on the respirator. Her tempature was brought to 33.5 C to minimize brainactivity and braindamage.
While my husband was with Chloë, he got a telephone call from the other hospital that I was brought to surgery again because of another bleeding…
My sister in law brought my husband back to me. In surgery they found out that I had another 2,5 liters of blood in my belly. When I was back from surgery, I was brought with a mobile intensive care unit to the same hospital as Chloë.

Chloë wasn’t doing very well… 2 brainscans showed no activity, this was caused by the lack of oxygen. Probably caused already on Friday when I had some belly ache also. I was doing better and after my condition was stable enough I was able to see my daughter for the first time on wednesday. Later that day we were told that there was nothing the doctors could do for Chloë anymore. On
Thursday they would stop the treatment.

On Thursday 28th of July, Chloë stayed with us the whole day and we could even hold her in our arms. But at 19.00 h the respirator was stopped and at 21.00 h she passed away in my the arms of my husband…
We kept Chloë with us until Sunday, then she was brought to the mortuary. I was doing better and after in total of 4 days of intensive care and 3 days of medicare, I was transferred back to the hospital closer to home on Monday, were I stayed until Thursday.

Together with our family and friends, we said goodbye to our sweet little princess on Saturday the 6th of august when she is cremated.”

We’re so proud to be the mommy and daddy of Chloë, but it hurts we had to let her go after 3 days…
We were so looking forward to have a child to take care of. We love her, we miss her… But she will always be our little girl.

The scar that I have confronts me every day. It’s a negative memory, it reminds me extra that we have lost our baby girl. But it is also a positive memory, as I’m still alive and we have a daughter now, although she is an angel in heaven. Since that scar we are a mommy and daddy. We love you, Chloë. You are our little princess. ? ? ?

I even can’t remember how my belly looks like without the scar, this is now who I am and in a strange way it makes me also that I’m blessed.

It will mean a lot to me if my story will be part of the ‘The shape of a mother’ community.

Trying to Love Me (Katy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Child Loss, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

24 years old
9months pregnant with my first baby
Pictures first 3 are of me 5 weeks away from my due date last one is the day I found out I was pregnant (4weeks along)

Like some of the other stories i’ve read on here, I’ve never thought that I was beautiful. Looking back on my engagement pictures or pictures from high school I see someone different than I saw in the mirror at the time. I weighed about 150 in high school and I felt like I was overweight and ugly, but now I don’t see it the same way at all. My weight has never been what i thought it “should be” and i’ve never appreciated the way my body looks In the moment. I can look back and say, “oh, I didnt look as bad back then, why did i hate my body?!” But then I hypocritically do the exact same thing now, I look at my stretch marks that have completely taken over my body and I see the flab and rolls and I consider how little of the 40 pounds i’ve gained is actually my baby. I am 9 months pregnant now due to have my baby boy on thanksgiving day, i’m So happy and I can’t Wait for him to be in my arms! I currently weigh 240 pounds. I hate saying that number and even typing it makes me cringe. I had creeped up to 207lb’s before I got pregnant and started exercising about a month before I got pregnant and then morning sickness and tiredness took over. Ever since I was about 6 months along I get so many comments from people saying how huge I am. They say it at church every week, as if i’ve forgotten. Another comment I frequently get is “are you sure there aren’t twins/triplets in there?!” That comment not only makes me feel like i’m the fat woman at a circus but it hurts because we did have twins. I was carrying two babies but one of them died at about 9 weeks and then slowly dissolved and just disappeared. When we first found out there were two but the Dr. couldn’t detect a heart beat for the second one he said ” Maybe it will turn out to be fine and we’ll get a heart beat next time!” We asked again for clarification before we left the appointment and he said ” well most likely it will just resolve itself and dissolve.. Its not likely that the baby will live” we prayed and prayed for months that the baby would be alive and well at our next ultrasound. But it wasn’t. It took several months for it to dissolve though, It hurt so much to see that still form and at the same time be happy at the bouncing, kicking, healthy baby. Sometimes I still feel guilty for missing our other baby, since I still have one inside me.. I should just be overjoyed about that one. I tell myself that after the baby comes I’m going to work hard and shed not only the baby weight but the extra weight I needed to lose before I got pregnant! I don’t even have a goal weight right now, its too depressing to think of how much I should lose. I really wish that I could look at myself and see someone beautiful no matter what I weigh! My husband sometimes gets frustrated because he “wishes I could see what he sees” I know that I should appreciate my body. I know that its doing something amazing by making and keeping our baby safe. I know that down the road i’ll look at pictures of me pregnant and probably say ” I didn’t look that bad” But even knowing all of this I truly do Not know how to love me, right now, the way that I am. My body has changed forever because of this pregnancy, I want to let the past go and love my body NOW. Can anyone tell me how?

3rd Pregnancy Ending in Miscarriage (Shannon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Children with Health Complications, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 16 Comments

My last post.
Age: 26
Number of pregnancies: 2 carried to term, 1 miscarriage at 7 weeks
PP: 6 years, 3.5 years, miscarriage yesterday at 7 weeks
Image: about 5 weeks pregnant with 3rd baby that I just lost

I have posted here many times before. This was my third pregnancy, and I was so very excited. I found out when I was only 4 weeks along! Although my other 2 pregnancies were very welcome, this one was hoped for. With my first son I was only 19, not married, and terrified to tell my parents (it did not take long to get happy though!). My first son was born with a very rare syndrome and he passed away when he was only 19 months old. It was/is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I think of him and miss him every single day (it has been 4.5 years since he passed). I got pregnant with my second son only 3 months after Connor had passed away, so it was very difficult (again, it did not take long to get happy, and I knew it was what Connor wanted for his Father and I). This pregnancy, my third, was planned. I was so excited when I found out (I even jumped up and down). I am married, I did not JUST lose my son (not that I don’t miss him…just that it isn’t as fresh as it was when I got pregnant with my second), and this was planned. I will be graduating in the beginning of May from nursing school, and my due date was supposed to be June 6th, so the timing was perfect. I had planned it all out…I would get quite a few months home with the baby while applying for nursing jobs…it was perfect timing. Yesterday I went to the bathroom and saw some blood clots. I told my husband we had to go to the hospital. We brought Liam (our second child) to the sitter, and off we went. They did blood work and an ultrasound which basically confirmed that I was in fact pregnant, but no longer am. I was crushed, crying uncontrollably. When we got home from the hospital I was in extreme pain, felt like actual contractions. This morning I woke up, went to the bathroom, and passed my placenta. This is just horrible. I already loved that baby. I know it is different than losing my Connor, but to me, I just lost another baby. Although was only 7 weeks pregnant, it was my baby and I loved him/her.

Pregnancy; The Third Time Around (Melissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Cesarean, Child Loss, Pregnant, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 1 Comment

~Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies 1 birth, 1 miscarriage, now pregnant.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 24 months, and EDD 01/12/2013

Hi ladies! So it has been quite some time since I have posted. I remember first coming to this site nearly three years ago and being awe struck by the amount of honest, raw, emotion and pictures that I saw, and how they empowered me to accept my body, love my daughter, and work through fog of post pardom depression. With my first pregnancy I was in a terrible place in life, a bad relationship, financial debt, middle of finishing school, and extremely naive. (I was 22 when I fell pregnant). Luckily through the support of friends and family I pulled through it all, I ended up ending it with my daughters father when she was 3 months old and worked on gaining that acceptance of myself for who I was and what I had accomplished despite the physical appearance of my pregnancy ravaged body. (This is what I thought at the time). At about 10 months PP I met my current fiance, and he loved and accepted me and my daughter for who we were. I had a hard time believing this, considering he had known me in high school (I thought I was fat then too) at a awesome weight of 150- 155 and curvy as all get out. Here I was sitting at 210, flabby tummy with a crawling 10 month old who was going through teething hell.. How, I thought, could he honestly love us both? Well that got to changing. We moved in together, raised my beautiful daughter, who now has a Papa and a Daddy since I am happy to announce her father finally came around and has been an active part of her life since she was about 12 months old. We got pregnant the 1st time unexpectedly in December. We were overjoyed at the thought and told everyone quickly. Turns out it wasn’t meant to be and I got incredibly sick, ended up in the ER twice in one week and miscarried days before my 24 birthday. We were heartbroken. It took me a month or two of praying, meditating and evaluating my life to come to terms with what had happened. In the end I had found some peace, knowing that that baby was never meant to be born, just give me a wake up call to what really was important, and to fully pull me out of that depressive funk. Fast forward three months, I am a month from graduating with by Bachelors Degree, my daughters father was taking responsibility and growing up, my boyfriend had proposed and we were now engaged, and I had a gorgeous talking toddler. I took a test on a whim considering I had symptoms weeks prior. My fiance and I had discussed trying the following year, giving us time to move out, get stable jobs and settle in to the life we had created. Well turns out we were pregnant again! Found out May 4th, and we were super excited again. I had extremely mixed emotions. I really wanted a second baby, but considering the last one, I was nervous as all get out. Weeks crept by, and my belly got bigger, and the anticipation and nervousness grew. The day of my 12 week ultrasound I couldn’t sleep, eat, or really even function. I was paralyzed by fear. It wasn’t until we heard the heartbeat, and saw our little ones tiny frame wiggling around that we finally relaxed, and had realized we had indeed been blessed by keeping this little miracle.

Well update from that, I did graduate with my Bachelors Degree, and enrolled in a Masters program focusing in Early Childhood Education. My fiance found full time employment, then we moved out to our own place Mid July. I also started working full time just last month (same place as the fiance. lol), working at a call center so that I would be able to bring in income, still go to school, and not wreak havoc on my pregnant form with the ups and downs and lifting requirements from my previous job. (Daycare. hehe love em!) Things seriously could not be better. I love being pregnant this time around, and think it’s actually going by way to fast this time around. With my first daughter there was all this negativity, stress and worry it really took a toll. With this pregnancy I am embracing my pregnant form, love the kisses from my toddler to my belly, and love the moving and kicking that our second little girl is giving us. Granted it can be painful too, she likes to sit in my hip and put pressure on my back, but hey it’s totally worth it. I have a great doctor who is completely supportive of a VBAC as long as certain requirements are met, and is not forcing me into another repeat C if not absolutely necessary. I’ve gained about 8 lbs, and am loving it!

The most I can give is my story and advice. For someone who has been to both sides, experienced a miscarriage and loss, the joys of one pregnancy, and the woes of another, I can honestly say its all about perspective. LOVE THE BODY YOU’RE IN! I cannot stress that enough. I am by no means “fit” as I never quite lost the weight from my first pregnancy, but I figure there is plenty of time for that after my second princess it born, and if I don’t get down to that, oh well! Enjoy life, and enjoy your babies, they grow up way to fast. I know it sounds incredibly cliche, and I was one of those skeptics too, but now I am a believer. Thank you Bonnie, and all of you other brave women out there who expose your tummies, the troubles and the successes, it really helps people like me relate and get through and see their own silver lining.

1.The Rainbow baby Amaia. :) Or maybe Damian if they’re wrong. Don’t really care though. :)
2. Me at 26 weeks! (Far right)
3. This is my first miracle baby who came out of extreme circumstances. Love you Ms. Scarlett! And she’s almost 2!

It’s a Fair Trade (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, D-MER, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 10 Comments

~ Age: 27
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 year old and 6 month old

I love my life! I have an amazing, supportive husband and two adorable little boys who I get to spend everyday with as a stay-at-home-mom. We live in a quaint home in a peaceful neighborhood with family close by. It’s wonderful that they can share with us the joys of raising our children.

It’s been a lot of ups and downs in our mere 3.5 years of marriage, including losing our first pregnancy; a missed miscarriage confirmed at 10 weeks. It was a difficult three weeks as we waited for my body to pass the pregnancy naturally but in that time my husband and I grew very close and became certain in our decision to start a family. Fortunately, following the miscarriage, I was very lucky to have two complication free pregnancies (although physically they weren’t easy to get through) and relatively easy and uneventful vaginal deliveries. The crowning moment of my life was when the doctor told me to look down and to take my youngest son by the armpits. I pulled him from me, up to my chest and we met for the first time. I said “Hi baby” and his gaze, while I’m sure quite fuzzy, managed to meet incrediby intensely with mine. In that moment I knew the world and our family was complete.

I read and hear about other women’s stories and journeys into motherhood and I feel so blessed that I have been able to escape many of their difficulties. Yet, there is still a pain I am living with. It’s like a nagging that plagues my mind every second of every day. A nagging that I’m not good enough, not perfect enough. I’m not the wife or mother or housekeeper that I should be. I should be better with money, better with my diet, better about reading to my kids, the list goes on and on. Part of this little voice has always been there in the back of my head, the other part is a little monster that has risen out of PPD and D-MER.

Most people are knowledgeable about post-partum depression, but not with D-MER, so I will explain. D-MER, short for Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex, refers to mood swings created from the drop in dopamine that triggers a milk letdown while breastfeeding. What this means is that every time my son latches on, I get an intense feeling of panic, dread, guilt, frustration, annoyance, etc. The feelings change and are never the same from episode to episode. I have found that these negative feelings that ebb and flow many times throughout the day, along with PPD and sleep deprivation make it very hard to maintain a strong sense of self. I battle my demons with positive thoughts and some help from an antidepressant. I don’t win every battle but so far I am winning the war. Breastfeeding is very important to me and I didn’t want to stop because of this stupid thing called D-MER, so I keep fighting and try to keep winning. I have always had good self esteem and a healthy body image but the physical and emotional toll of bringing my babies into the world and nourishing them has made the negative voices creep in. ‘I’m not good enough. If I was skinnier and fitter then maybe I will be good enough’.

Most days I’m pretty certain that I will get a tummy tuck and a boob lift when we can save the money for it. On my better days I can look past the sagging skin and simply accept that this is the new me. In the mean time I’m trying to lose weight and get in shape. I ran my first 5k a few weeks ago!! Ok, well, I walked half of it. But never in my life did I think I would complete a 5K and I did it just 5 months after having my second baby in less then 2 years!

Currently I weigh 167 lbs. I started both my pregnancies at 174 lbs and got up to 194 lbs with my first and 202 lbs with my second. My current goal weight is 155. I could get down to 135 which is where I was in college, but who am I kidding, I’d rather be a little pudgy and get to enjoy all the tasty food life has to offer then be skinny and have to miss out, lol!

At the end of the day, I’m not thrilled with my body but I have so much in my life to be thankful for so I choose not to stress about it. I have an openhearted and inquisitive toddler who bring so much fun into my life and my 6 month old is a ball of smiles and laughs. I have a husband who is my soul mate and who loves me even at my worst. Those are the only things that really matter in this world. If I have to put up with a little sagging skin for all of that, I’ll call it a fair trade :)

I’m hoping that by sharing my far from perfect body it will help other women feel more comfortable with theirs.

Picture 1: Nursing
Picture 2: What happens when I pull the sag out :(
Picture 3: Side view
Picture 4: The hips that gave me easy deliveries
Picture 5: You can see I just fed on my left side, lol

Updated here.

My belly, the first home of my biggest blessings… far from flawless, but I love it anyway. (Julie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Gestational Diabetes, Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Polyhydramnios, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 5 Comments

-24 years old
-6 pregnancies, 5 children. (1 loss at 9 weeks gestation.)
-J, 7 years old. P, 6 years old. K, 5 years old. G, 3.5 years old. L, 2 years old.

– Hello ladies! Thank you for allowing me the oppeortunity to share my own story. :)

My husband and I found out we were expecting 6 months before we planned to marry. Our relationship is a little unique. He is 5 years older than I, we have been together since I was 14 and lived in our own home since I was 15 & he was 20. I was 16 when we found out I was pregnant, April 20th 2004. We had been planning to wed, with the blessings of my parents, October 16th 2004. 2 months after my 17th birthday. When we found out we were expecting.. I was 5’1, very lean and toned, and weighed 112 pounds. We did indeed wed on October 17th, with our daughter present in utero. :) My pregnancy with her was for the most part uneventful once I got past the first trimester. The first 13 weeks I suffered from Hypermesis Gravidarum and before I was finally prescribed Zofran for it, I vomited all day, every day, and felt awful. I frequently landed myself in the ER because of dehydration. I got down to 108lbs, and that is when they decided to prescribe the Zofran. Later in pregnancy, I developed what they call “polyhydramnious.” This meant I had a lot of extra fluid, for unexplained reasons. Because of this, my stomach grew rapidly and I experienced very sudden weight gain the last few weeks. My last weight before giving birth was 162lbs. Going off 108, I gained 54 pounds. J was born at 38 weeks on December 21st, beautiful and healthy, weighing 7lbs 1oz.

My husband and I knew from the get-go, even being young parents and newly weds, that we wanted a large family. We are both from large families and we wanted the same. So we decided to let go with “not trying, not preventing” as far as our sexual relationship went. Coincedently, I found out I was pregnant for the 2nd time, AGAIN on April 20th, 2005. The EDD was the same as J’s, as well! We were shocked given the circumstances & the fact their dates were exact, but we were ELATED! J was 1 day shy of 4mos old, and I still had a lot of work that needed to be done to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Obviously, that was going to have to be put on hold. The next month consisted of a lot of blood work, a lot of doctor visits, and a lot of ultrasounds. Unfortunately on May 26th, 2005.. after a month of no growth or change in the embryo, including no heartbeat… we realized the pregnancy was not viable. My midwife scheduled a D&C with the OBGYN at the clinic I went to. On May 27th, 2005, we said goodbye to our Angel that wasn’t mean for this world. We were obviously heartbroken, disappointed, sad, etc. But we had J to keep us busy and we focused on what we had been blessed with, each other and our beautiful daughter.

And then just a few weeks later, mid July, we found out for the third time we were expecting AGAIN! Obviously we were very nervous because of the miscarriage, but thankfully the pregnancy progressed and everything went well. Our 2nd child, a beautiful baby boy, was born also at 38 weeks on April 10th 2006 after an uneventful pregnancy. He weighed 8lbs 1oz and like his sister, was healthy as can be. J was 15 months old when she became a big sister.

Now if I continue to give the run down on all my pregnancies, my story will get ridiculously long… LOL! So I’ll just share the bare minimum from here on out.

#3, our 2nd son, was born on June 24th of 2007. I had polyhydramnios with him as well and gained a massive amount of weight. Because of the severe PH, my water broke at 36 weeks. Even so, K weighed 7lbs 2ozs and other than some jaundice from his premature liver, he was healthy as can be. At the time of his birth, J was 2.5 years old and P was 14mos old.

#4, our 3rd son, was born at 38 weeks gestation on December 18th 2008. G was another uneventful pregnancy, born healthy weighing 8lbs 10ozs. At the time of G’s birth, J was just shy of her 4th birthday, P was 2.5 years old, and K was a week shy of 18 months old.

#5, our 2nd girl, was born at 38 weeks gestation on April 19th 2010. With L, I had what my midwife called “borderline gestational diabetes.” I failed my 1hr Glucose test with her, just as I did with G, but with him I went on the pass the 3hr. With L, I failed by just a few points. I was RIGHT under the “normal” range. Because of this, I had to monitor my blood sugar during my pregnancy and eat a semi-diabetic diet. At 2 weeks early, L was born weighed 8lbs 15ozs.. 1 oz shy of 9lbs.. and that is AFTER she took a nice pee on me just seconds after she was born. I think it’s safe to say she would have weighed at least 9lbs even if she had been weighed before peeing. They tested her blood sugar shortly after her birth since she was such a good sized baby even 2 weeks early, which is a sign of macrosomia… large baby caused by gestational diabetes. Her blood sugar was absolutely fine… she was just a healthy girl. At the time of her birth J was 5yrs old, P was 4, K was 2 mos shy of his 3rd birthday, and G was 16mos old.

A grand total of 5 pregnancies, 1 loss, and 5 healthy blessings in 5 years and 4 months time. The grand total of the baby weight my uterus held comes to 39lbs, 15ozs! That’s just the weight of the babies.. not to mention the fluid, blood, placenta, etc. Obviously with only 4-8 months between each pregnancy… I didn’t have a lot of time to lose the baby weight, and instead it just kept piling on. I breastfed, but unfortunately I was not one of the lucky mamas who shed the pounds with the help of nursing.

I grew more and more uncomfortable in my own skin as the years went on… and for some reason, I lacked the will power and confidence to get back in shape. Around the time of my daughters 2nd birthday.. I finally became fed up. She hadn’t nursed for quite some time, and I knew it was time to take control of my life and get back to a point whre I could be comfortable with myself. So I got serious, and I decided to make a lifestyle change. At that time, my starting weight was 195lbs. At 5’2. I was morbidly obese. The girl who was always “naturally slender,” was morbidly obese. I know you ladies can imagine how I felt. I visited my family physician, we set up a weight loss plan complete with my goals, and he prescribed me a weight loss aid to help me along. My goal is not to become skinny. My goal is to become HEALTHY and be COMFORTABLE with my body. The body that has done AMAZING things for me and kept the 5 most important people in my life HEALTHY until it was time for them to be born. 12 weeks later I have managed to lose 45 pounds, 13 combined inches (waist, hips, thighs) and 2, ALMOST 3 pant sizes. I am 15lbs from my goal weight, and granted my weight loss has slowed down significantly from what it was in the beginning.. I am still working hard to get there so I can be healthy and feel good about myself… and I can honestly say I grow more and more comfortable with my body each week! The stretch marks do not bother me. The loose skin does not bother me. As I said, my body did the most amazing thing for me… FIVE times. The weight gain, the struggle to lose it… it has all been MORE than worth it. I will never have that tight, perfectly toned, flawless body I had before kids and that is perfectly fine with me. That’s not my goal. I am so proud of myself and my confidence, the way I feel about myself, is better than it has ever been. I am proud of my body regardless of the fact I still have 15lbs to go to my goal (which by the way is on the heigher end of “normal” given me height. But like I said, I’m not trying to get skinny.) and a LOT of toning to do. Fitness and exercise have become an every day part of my life, and it will be even after I hit my goal. It’s something my family and I can do together, and it makes us feel good. The weight loss has been a blessing.. but the biggest blessing of all is my children and I will forever be greatful for the body that carried them and kept them safe during their gestational period…. MY body. <3 Oh, and for the inquiring minds.... no, neither my husband or I got any permanent sterilization. We are using precautions and plan to for a while longer.. but we do intend to welcome at least one more child into our family sometime in the future, assuming it is meant to be and we are blessed again. Just taking a break for now. :) Thanks again for allowing me the opportunity to share my story. :) If you made it through the novel, kudos to you and thanks for reading! (My progress pictures are ready to be updated with the 12th week photos. This is start, 3 weeks, 6 weeks, and 9 weeks. I have lost 5 more pounds since the 9th week photo.) [gallery]