Breasts

Depressed Over Saggy Breasts (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 16 Comments

Age-22
Kids-2 one is 4 one is a year

After my first son they went back to a more perkier state after a year and a half, I was 21. Now with my second baby, I’m still breastfeeding and hoping that’s what’s weighing down and sagging my breasts. I feel so ugly and unattractive and am actually crying over them. I hate having sex with my husband, don’t want him touching them bc the feel so formless, shapeless and wrinkly and disgusting. I feel gross. My skin has thinned, my veins popping out and my skin wrinkly and saggy. I just want to know if I have hope, will they go back again? Will they ever firm, I’m only 22, lift weights, take my vitamins and take care of my skin. I just want to be sexy for myself again…..I have thought about getting a part time to pay for implants….or should I give it time bc I’m still breastfeeding. When I bend over the just hang like skinflaps and I feel so un femminine. I can’t believe I’m actually crying as I write this. My husband thinks I have mental issues and am fine, but if I don’t feel that way, I am not. I know I’m not mentally ill….I just want firmer skin on my breasts. I can’t even talk to him about this and I feel like the only mom with this problem…..I want to fix it so bad, will it ever get better, can someone give me hope? Will he thinning skin firm again? Will my breasts lift back a tad bit again after the glands loose the heavyness? My breasts have no density and I feel so envious of those moms who have firm full breasts………..ughhh I feel doomed and depressed.

First Pregnancy and Postpartum Body Changes (Jamie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

I was one of those women who “knew” the moment they were pregnant.. I was more than ecstatic. It sounds crazy, but I think I felt the moment the baby implanted. I used a pregnancy test that day, waited the 5 or so minutes, saw one line and threw it in a drawer. When I found it a day or two later, there was a second line. I thought it must have been an evap line but decided to test to be sure. Sure enough, positive.. a day before I was even supposed to start my cycle. But, pregnancy felt like torture to me, I never became acclimated to it, and my “cute” bump phase ended quickly. I waited and waited for that “glow” and never got it. I was thrilled to be expecting, but not very educated about all the changes my body would experience. I have always had self esteem and body issues, so growing in size ate away at my confidence. I had a lengthy period of time where you could not tell I was pregnant and not just pudgy/fat. I only ever gained the recommended 35 pounds, but on my short frame, that meant everything was thicker. My face, arms, butt, breasts and, of course, belly. I managed to avoid stretch marks on my belly with generous use of baby oil and by not scratching. I didn’t even think to do this on my butt and breasts, which now have stretch marks, but none too terrible. I delivered a healthy, beautiful, incredibly smart (mother’s pride shining through) baby girl at 37 weeks 5 days after a complication free pregnancy. Went in seeking a natural birth, got talked in to pitocin (to “speed up” my labor) which lead to an epi. Birth aside, I’ve made it back to pre-pregnancy weight about 3 or 4 months post partum. I am now 5 months pp and have maintained the weight. All weight lost simply by breastfeeding and only eating when I’m hungry. My confidence post partum is exponentially greater. After seeing my body go through all those changes during pregnancy, I have a much bigger respect for it. I believe I went through the opposite of post-partum depression – post partum elation. Despite being at pre-preg weight, there are noticeable/permanent changes: my hips are larger, my tummy is no longer flat, my breasts are great when full and saggy when empty – a whole cup size larger (from small b to small c, sometimes full c). Breasts are veiny now, not sure if that will go away after I stop breastfeeding. My areolas are MUCH larger and more brown than before, also uneven. I will be content to tone up my tummy and work some of this extra hip off. Even though I may not look as I did before, I’m quite happy with my body. Recently someone told me who had not seen me since a year prior to my pregnancy: “You don’t look like a little girl anymore! You look like a woman!” And that’s how I feel, like a Real Woman.

Your Age:23, 22 at time of pregnancy
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy (so 1 birth)
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 months post partum/5 month old

Hating My Body Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 24 Comments

Previous post here.

So its been almost 2 years and I STILL hate my body. Especially my breasts. I know your body is supposed to change after kids, I get that your tummy gets loose and you breasts droop a little. What I did NOT expect was my breasts to have crater size stretch marks, especially since my body didn’t change one bit after my first child. As a woman its incredibly depressing to have your most womanly feature destroyed. I know it bothers my husband, hes always been a boob guy and mine were perfect even after our first child so I’m sure he didnt expect them to look like they do now. They are so saggy and one nipple points down, the other straight ahead. Does anyone else have a boob issue since having kids? I cant be the only one…

What I want is honesty. No really. I want everyone to tell me if I should consider surgery to try and fix these things or maybe they don’t look as bad as I think they do (fat chance of that, no pun intended).

Unapologetic (Darah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Adoption, Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Poetry, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

I love me with the sags.
I love me with the stretch marks.
I love me with dark circles.
I love me with frizzy hair.
I love me with pale skin.
I love me with stretch marks.
I love me with love handles.
I love me with back rolls.
I love me when I’m menstruating.
I love me when I’m lactating.
I love me with body hair.
I love me when my hands are dirty.
I love me with belly fat.
I love that my body can give life.
I love that I can sustain life.
I love me when I eat.
I love me when I’m sick.
I love me for me.

Who I am goes deeper than my skin.

I’m confident.
I’m artistic.
I’m intelligent.
I’m creative.
I’m imaginative.
I’m logical.
I’m kind.
I’m articulate.
I’m ambitious.
I’m empowering.
I’m soulful.
I’m funny.
I’m daring.
I’m charming.
I’m thoughtful.
I’m generous.

And I’m unapologetic for who I am..

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 4 pregnancies, 3 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: ten – placed for adoption, three and 5 months.

Mother of 7 (Stacy)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, VBAC 12 Comments

How can I teach my daughters, and my sons, things I haven’t quite figured out yet? How can I be confident in my own skin when the world, both inside and outside of myself, tells me I should hide? How did women lose their power to just “be”in their role as mother, satisfied with happy children and a healthy birth?

I don’t know, but I know that in late 1980 I was already destined to despise my body, and feel like there was something wrong with it. So I became a fat little girl before I knew I could say no to food that starved my body, and clouded my mind. I always hated myself, and remember at 8 years old trying to make my arms appear smaller by wrapping my upper arms in toilet paper and rubber bands. My “before” pictures would not show much. I was always very large chested and had boyfriends, but overall felt out of place, fat and gross.

Once I had my first daughter at 17 years old, I was scared but happy to spend 9 months growing a little being. I was a good mother. A dedicated college graduate, and had a kind heart. But my ass was still fat, but not as fat as my deformed Csection dissected belly.

I lost 100 pounds, met my husband and went on to have 4 more children. All Csections. 5 Csections and 5 children, 4 of them in 5 years time took a deep and irreversible toll on my body. The multiple Csections left me feeling insecure and inept.

I had my first vaginal birth, 10#5oz baby boy (child #6) unassisted at home with my husband and my children. He was amazing. He still is. This healed places in myself that continue to heal.

I just had my 7th son this past June (2012), another boy, another beautiful and FaSt unassisted birth. I gained 30 pounds, was Doing yoga 5-6 times a week, hiking mountains and standing fully inverted head stands days before he was born.

I love my body now. I accept its amazing ability to heal, carry me through this awesome ride of life, and nurture my children. My sexuality is prime and there is nothing that makes me feel more alive than having confidence inside my skin.

I have 7 children, and could have more. I am 32 years old. I have a masters, I am a massage therapist. I love to write and play music. I love to travel and experience new things. I love to spend time with my children and my lover, partner and friends. I am more than complete… In spite of the holes which have been carved in my body, I am whole.

Updated here.

Is my vagina ruined? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Reader's Favorite, Submissions, Vulva 38 Comments

It took me awhile to conceive my 1st child, so when I found out I was pregnant I was thrilled. It didn’t take long though for my anxiety to set in and for my body issues to only be exasperated by my growing and changing physique. I gained 60 pounds during those 9 months. For someone who was abused and constantly told I was ugly and fat as a child by my father, this really put me in a bad place. I tend to gain weight very easily and a lot of it was water weight but it was still something I felt shame for. Every single time I went to my checkups, I dreaded the scale. I worried about what people thought of me, I hated the way I looked and didn’t want pictures taken of my pregnant belly. Fast forward to now, my son just turned 2. He amazes me every.single.day and is my pride and joy. I still have some of my baby weight, my breasts have changed, and I feel that my vagina looks different as well. My vagina is something that I’m actually quite concerned about….it’s my biggest issue. I had incontinence for the first 9 months or so after birth but that seems to have resolved itself for the most part. Sometimes I will pee a teeny bit if I sneeze or cough hard enough. But the opening of my vagina seems wider and longer to me. The hole is definitely different and seems to go quite far down, almost to my anus. I only tore on my labia according to my midwives so I don’t understand why it looks so different. Sex is pretty good and hasn’t changed dramatically but I do notice that I’m a bit softer inside and I feel less friction. I definitely don’t feel as tight as I used to feel and that worries me. I want more children but am concerned about furthering the damage down there. I’ve even started obsessively looking up c-sections, and vaginoplasty. Will my vagina get worse with each baby?? Every medical professional I saw prior to giving birth assured me that nothing would change and that everything would eventually return to normal but I disagree. I feel like this is a subject that isn’t discussed amongst women, and if it is, it’s not done openly and candidly. I have suffered so much mentally over this fear that my vagina isn’t pleasurable anymore and that if I have more babies it will only get worse. I don’t know what to think. I feel so abnormal and alone and that’s why I came here.

You may also choose to include:
~Age:27
~Number of pregnancies and births:3 pregnancies, 1 abortion, and 1 miscarriage.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 year old child.

The more graphic images are available here and here.

Trapped in Someone Else’s Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

Age: 24

I just had my first (and last) child on September. I had a scheduled c-section. He was 10lbs and 2oz when he was born. I am only 5’1” and before I got pregnant I was only 95lbs. The day I went into the hospital I was 149lbs!!!! Mostly, water and one giant baby, but still huge all the same. I really didn’t gain weight anywhere else except my stomach during my pregnancy and the skin was still stretched tight up til he was born. I didn’t really have many stretch marks either til the last month and they really made up for lost time. I lost almost all the weight without dietary change or exercise right off the bat and then just completely plateaued right after that initial loss. I breast fed for the first three months til I couldn’t anymore. I still don’t know what happened. I was overproducing and then it just stopped coming out creamy and in then needed amounts. My breasts seemed to immediately shrivel up right after that. I was always about a 32D and a full DD when I was breast feeding and now they are just these tiny droopy pancake boobs that make me cringe when I see them in the mirror. In fact, seeing any part of my naked body anymore legitimately makes my skin crawl. I feel like there is no hope for any kind of salvage to my body anymore and my stomach is just going to look like a leather handbag forever. Did I screw myself because I didn’t exercise from the beginning? Is there really any nonsurgical way I can get rid of this disgusting extra skin? I am usually hovering between 105 and 110, so not overweight I guess, but you couldn’t tell. I’ve been going to the gym when I can and doing five miles on the elliptical or 1 mile on the treadmill and it doesn’t seem to be making any difference. Even carrying around my now more than 20lb son doesn’t seem to help. My stomach is still saggy and sticking out further than my breasts. I am just morbidly depressed about the state of my body and go out of my way to avoid letting anyone see it because of my extreme embarrassment I know pregnancy changes your body, but no one else seems to be nearly this far gone. Anyway, any insight on any of this would be tremendously helpful. I seriously am just so lost and depressed and don’t know where to go from here.

Photo: Year before pregnancy/ 4 days before Cesarean/ 5 months postpartum.
Photo 2: Adrian. (3 months old)

Uncomfortable in My Skin (Kel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 34
Pregnancies/Births: 5/3
Time PP: 25months
Ages of Children: 5 1/2 years, 4 years and 25motnhs

I am an Aussie stay at home mum of three beautiful bright, perfect and healthy children. They light up my life and I adore them all. I also have an amazing husband. We have been with each other for almost 15 years. He rocks my world.

Our journey to parenthood began unexpectedly. Four months after being with my (then boyfriend, now my hubby!), I accidentally fell pregnant at 19 when the condom broke and he didn’t tell me, because he wasn’t aware of the morning after pill! I didn’t find out I was pregnant until I was about 12 weeks along (my hubby was away in the armed forces during this time), because I had been having spotting and cramps like I was having a light period.

My boyfriend came home after 12 weeks deployment, and I was still spotting and cramping. I thought it wasn’t normal and I told him I was worried something was wrong with me. He then told me what happened and I could be pregnant. So I did a test, and hey presto, I was expecting! I had cramping and bleeding on and off for the duration of the pregnancy and as a result, I quit my course I was studying because it was our testing and assessment period at the time and to try to be a bit more relaxed and to help my baby grow I thought it best to quit. Sadly, our baby was not to be, and at 17 weeks we found out we had lost our little boy, who we named Joshua. I was terribly devastated, despite this pregnancy being such a surprise, I was desperate to be a mum, and have wanted to be one since I was tiny myself.

After being induced and giving birth, I was fairly sick. I ended up hemorrhaging badly around 3 weeks after giving birth, due to retained products of pregnancy, I had several blood transfusions but I was still weak. I was very sick and was in hospital for the first time in my life, without my partner, who was once again overseas on deployment. I was young and scared and broken. I was (what I now realise), suffering with Post Natal Depression (PND). I gained some weight, about 7-ish kilos (15 pounds). I was sick for a long time after losing so much blood, and had to had iron infusions and just couldn’t do things because I was so weak. Working and school just weren’t options. I slowly got well again, with the support of my partner and mum.

After our first loss, my partner and I were much stronger as a couple. We got married and moved in together and lived a wonderful life doing the things young people do, whilst we were young and before we really started trying to have a family. When we were 27 (after being together for 8 years and married for 4), we decided it was the time in our life to start a family, so we started trying for a baby. I was a little worried and stressed out about it, and terrified of losing another baby. We fell pregnant after about 4 months of trying. We were ecstatic but cautious. Work was stressful for me at this time. I was also studying at university and we were looking at buying a home. My partner was only working part time and also studying at university.

Sadly again, this baby was not meant to be. At 11 weeks we found out I had lost the baby again. Another little boy. All testing and medicals came back as being normal, there was no explanation as to why I was losing our babies. After this we put off trying for another baby for several months. But it consumed me. All I wanted was a child with my husband. I was so sad and down. Through my depression, yet again I gained some more weight (and hadn’t lost the weight I gained before) about another 5-6 kilos (12 pounds) was added to my little 164 cm (5’4”) frame.

Six months or so passed, and hubby and I decided we would try again. We didn’t fall pregnant for about 6 months. I was so petrified I would not be able to have children. When we finally did fall pregnant again, I was scared. Particularly when I started spotting again. I was fraught with fear of losing my baby again. At work I took on a lesser position with less stress. I put my uni course on hold and just tried to relax in general. I had early ultra sounds and tests every few weeks to make sure my hormones were doing what they should when pregnant.

And they did. Thank goodness, this baby was a sticky one. My belly grew and I loved being pregnant. I didn’t suffer from the worse types of pregnancy ailments. No morning sickness or other illnesses. Just a bit of heartburn and pain in my back, I enjoyed this pregnancy. Finally I had my beautiful rainbow baby and she was stunning. The most beautiful little girl I had ever seen. We were smitten. But she was a difficult baby. I had a bit of birth trauma after a long, induced birth, as well as having post postpartum hemorrhage and needing blood transfusions. I had difficulty breastfeeding. I now suspect my daughter had reflux. She didn’t sleep much, woke often and was hard to settle. She was partially breastfed and bottle fed, and I was pumping and doing bottles, and trying desperately to get her fully breast fed, though that never happened. There were lots of tears from both of us through the first 6 months of her life.

I was having issues with how my body had changed with pregnancy. My husband and I were going through a lot within our marriage trying to sort out how to be a family of 3. I hadn’t gained much weight during pregnancy and actually weighed less after birth than I did pre pregnancy. But now I was gaining more weight I was now around 80kg (176 pounds). I hated myself, I wasn’t as good at being a mum as I thought I would be. I was doing it tough, and again, in hind sight I realise I was suffering with PND.

It was around Christmas time, 7 months after I gave birth to our gorgeous daughter. I would be returning to part time work and University in the new year. Then I found out I was pregnant. Merry Christmas!! Whist my husband and I wanted more children, we were planning on waiting until I had finished uni and he had settled into his new job and just when life was more settled in general. But clearly the universe had other plans for us.

This pregnancy was easy early on. I had none of the bleeding or cramping I had with my previous pregnancies. Which was great, since I had to throw myself back into work and studying, as well as now being a mummy. Our daughter was becoming easier to care for. She was sleeping better, and was becoming an absolute joy to parent. Until about 6 months into the pregnancy, that is.

Sadly, I started really struggling within myself again. A doctor diagnosed AND/PND (ante natal/post natal depression) he told me I needed to sleep better and relax more. What a laugh that was!! Things were getting tough to deal with again. I failed a subject at uni. Work was getting harder due to my size with the pregnancy (I am an early childhood teacher). I was huge this time. I had minor polyhydramniosis (excess fluid around the baby), plus he was a big baby, always measuring large at doctor appointments. I had back and pelvic issues (SPD and sciatica), I have severe reflux and later on got pretty bad odema (swelling) in my hands and feet.

Finally the time came to give birth again. I was determined to do it naturally this time, we hired a doula and I researched a lot. He was born at 4.2kg and 56.5cm long ( about 9p 4o, and 22 1/4 in), totally naturally. I had done it all by myself to day I was proud would be an understatement. His birth was amazing. He breastfed like a champion. This was all so much easier than when I had my daughter.

Unfortunately I was still suffering with depression. Our son was a very frequent feeder around 2 hourly day and night, and our daughter still woke 2-3 times a night. Though he wasn’t a difficult baby, feeding him 12+ times through the day and night as well as having a young toddler was taking it’s toll. My husband did odd hours at work, often working 12 + hours thought the night, then trying to sleep through the day. I wasn’t getting any support from family unless I literally begged them to take the kids. I was finding it hard to see anything in my life as being enjoyable. I gained more weight (another 5-6kg) and hated my body even more because of what another pregnancy with a lager baby did to me. My back and pelvis still ached even after giving birth and I had even more stretch marks, from my ribs down to my pubic bone. I have excess skin which will not go away even if I lose the weight.

When my son was 5 months old I had to return to part time. Finances were very tight. Life was a blur for me. I don’t remember a lot of my sons baby hood because I was struggling so much. I often wanted to just get away, driving in the car to work, I would fantasise about just keeping driving. Not stopping at work, or to pick up the kids. Just to drive into the sunset. There were a few moments during this time that I considered suicide. It was just all too much. So overwhelming.

My suicidal moments were fleeting, and usually when I had only had 3-4 hours sleep for weeks on end. But they were there. That was all in my head. I look back now and I am amazed how my husband and I did it. We did it together. There were times when we fought like cat and dog. When it was hard to support each other through it all because we were both suffering and struggling, but we did it. Through our hardest times and darkest hours we made it through. But we could see something had to change. This would be our life, struggling through every thing, only just making it week to week and not really enjoying anything, if we didn’t make a big change.

We decided we would go and live in the bush for a while with hubby’s job. We also talked about having another baby. With moving to the bush, we would be able to have another bub, and I would be a stay at home mum. So that is what we did. About 4 months after discussing it, I was pregnant and we were moving to a remote country town. Life got easier. For a while.

We moved 900km (a 9-ish hour drive) away from our loved ones and the familiarity of home. To a town 3 hour drive from any kind of civilisation, with around 3500 people. It was like a foreign country to us.

I started struggling again with the pregnancy. My back and pelvis started to play up fairly early on. By now, I was about 90kg (198pounds). So mixing being overweight, with being pregnant with another big baby boy and I was struggling to move very much at all. I had no friends and my children were bored and frustrated at home. During my last few months, I couldn’t do a lot with them, besides read books and watch movies. Thankfully I managed to get a place in childcare for one day a week.

I gave birth to another gorgeous little (big!) boy, again naturally and with my wonderful doula and hubby at my side. Unfortunately, I hemorrhaged again and required blood transfusions. My son ended up in special care nursery too, with intestinal issues. Breast feeding wasn’t off to a very good start this time. Thankfully, his tummy issues resolved themselves, and we managed to get breastfeeding fully again.

I had another frequent feeder, and again in hind sight, I think he also had silent reflux like his big sister. He was hard to settle at night in particular and it wasn’t unusual for me to be up with him for hours rocking and burping and trying desperately to settle him. My first son and daughter were also still waking at night, so yet again I was working on 4 or so hours of sleep a night. My husband was (and is!) wonderful and would often deal with the older children, though still had to work as well, so I tried my best to do it myself. Still suffering with PND, it was still tough, though I don’t think it ever got as hard as it did when son #1 was born.

I am happy to say now, that I am depression free. I still have bad days, but I can cope with that! My children are turning into wonderful, bright little people and my hasband and I are still going strong. I have started studying at uni again this year and hope to finally finish off my degree! I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have made amazing friends living out in the bush and have experienced a life I would never have had otherwise.

I still struggle with how I look though. I have never had a good body image. Sadly, I have always had an issue with myself. Sadly, because I was always fairly fit and healthy when I was younger. Now I have let myself go (far beyond the limits of what is ‘normal’) I am about 35-40 kilos (65-90-ish pounds) overweight. Before children I was around 63 kg (139 pounds), now I am about 97kg (214 pounds). Now I really do hate how I look. Now I realise how beautiful I really was. I have stretch marks from my ribs down to my pubic bone and around to my sides, I have over hanging skin. I also still have issues with my back, which I put down to being so over weight, unfit and inflexible. I am now trying to lose the weight. Slowly, but surely it will come off again. When it does, I plan on having plastic surgery to correct the skin issues. It will never go away on its own, I think it will just look even worse with the more weight I lose. I want to like how I look. One day I will.

Photos

1. After my first pregnancy (miscarriage at 17 weeks)
2. Around 6 months pregnant with each child
3. My babies
4. After son #1
5. Now

Never felt more like a woman. (Jordan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

23 years old
3 pregnancies/2 births
14 months pp

Previous post here.

As mothers, our bodies may not look like they used to, but that’s OK. My body gave me my children and for that, I will be eternally grateful. It is a beautiful thing. Sure, Alot of woman may see their stretch marks, and sagging skin as a flaw or fear others will view them as unattractive.. but they are part of who we are now and, therefore, they are beautiful. We earned them and we need to appreciate them more. My body may not be magazine perfect but it’s perfect enough for me and that’s all that matters. I had an easy, healthy pregnancy with both of my boys. Labor and delivery was short, unmedicated and absolutely beautiful both times as well and if i could do it all over again.. i’d do it the same way. Epidural is not natural and not for me. I have a 3 year old and a 14 month old, They keep me busy, never cease to amaze me and they are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love me, inside and out.. I hope every single one of you reading this does or will come to feel this way about your own body and minds! Love this website.

(1) Pre-Pregnancy
(2) 8 months pregnant with second child
(3, 4) 14 months pp
(5) My boys