Breasts

Rebuilding the Body (Annie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Suicide or suicidal thoughts 16 Comments

Age-21
Children-1 (a 2 year old)
C Section birth

I want to thank you for making this site. It is so wonderful to know I am not alone, because here in person I really am. And I thought I was. And I am so excited to read everything on here and see that I am not.

Pregnancy was supposed to be the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. But I felt like a bad person because I hated every minute of it. I had morning sickness from the day I found out (8 weeks along) to the week after I had my son. I was a small girl that liked showing off my body. I was over weight when I entered puberty (almost 200 pounds at 12 years old) and I worked so hard to loose the weight. I finally got down to 110 pounds when I was 17 and I loved my size but I still felt like I had so much to work on.

I moved out of state to the other side of the country to be with my sons father and he did his best to make my pregnancy comfortable. It was hard making friends. All the girls that were my age with kids were not very good parents at all. They all had great bodies with little to no stretch marks and left their kids with their mom all week long to go hang out, party. I thought I would bounce back as fast as them when I had a kid. I was so wrong.

I gained 100 pounds with my son. I had a high risk pregnancy because I hadn’t gained any weight from all the throwing up. I was put on a diet that blew me up. I got so big, I have stretch marks all down my legs, the back of my calves, my tummy, and my sides.

So there I was, 19 years old, a size 14, 210 pounds and depressed. My husband (35 years old) told me that he loved me inside but my outside was a turn off and he couldn’t make love to me. He slept with all my “friends” and would constantly turn me down, telling me they got in shape fast and I should too.

I was so depressed. He left me saying that I was a downer and was turning his life sour. I am still torn up so badly over it. He made me feel like my body was worthless, like I was less of a person because of how I look. I hated myself so badly. I was so hard on myself. I moved back home, and my friends that had kids came by to visit. All of them back to their old size only 2 months later, and without a stretch mark on their bodies. I got so depressed I . It was a big turninhad tried to kill myself. I felt like I didn’t deserve to live, no one would ever want me because my body.

It was a big turning point in my life, where I decided I needed a real change.

I have worked hard on my body since then. I have a great stretch mark remedy that I practice often (derma roller and vitamin e cream and body scrub, it works pretty well!). I am now at 140 pounds, a size 7 (or 9 sometimes but I seem to have a permentent muffin top in anything I wear) and I am doing my best to stay happy and positive. I still break out in bouts of depression over my body, but I have an amazing new boyfriend who has been my best friend for years, and I have a great 2 year old that means the world to me. I hope one day I get into a bikini again. I think I will. But it is going to take a lot of love from myself and hard work to do it…

Now I am 21 years old. My son just turned 2, and I am thinking I might have another one, but not for another 5 or so years.

Learning to Love My Body After a Loss (Lissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 11 Comments

I’m mom of 2 living Children and 1 child who died shortly after birth. My youngest and last child was born at 30 weeks. She was a preemie. And I spent many weeks in the hospital prior to giving birth. I felt like my body failed her for the longest time. I was so uncomfortable in my own body. I felt hideous and disfigured. Why could so many women have all their children with no problem and my body led to my child’s death.

I started getting comfortable in my own body recently. And I’ve shed all worry about what other’s think of my body. I’m a mother to 2 beautiful children on Earth and 1 Breathtaking Angel in Heaven who lived for 23 days. I’m happy with my body now. It’s been 2 years since my daughter died.

I truly believe EVERYONE is beautiful. I’ve got huge stretch marks on my stomach, they are my badges and they show my love for my children. My breasts are sagging from nursing and from pumping while my baby was in the NICU. I’m pock marked from acne and I’ve got numerous large moles but I AM beautiful. No matter what anyone else says. I truly don’t think anyone in the world is ugly. I see beautiful in all people, big or small.

Namaste

Lissa

~Your Age: 24
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3- 2 living children
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5, 3, and 2 years

Thanks SOAM – 6 Months PP (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Belly, Breast or Body Art, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 8 Comments

My Age: 31
Number of Pregnancies and Births: 1
Age of child: 6 months

Pics I attached: The henna belly picture is at 38 weeks, the two naked ones and one of my daughter are 6 months post-partum.

I started lurking here before my husband and I were even trying to have kids. I have to admit; at first some of the photos were a bit shocking. I’m a victim of this culture just like anyone else, and it was sometimes uncomfortable to see exactly what women look like through pregnancy and motherhood. I started checking for new posts daily, and it didn’t take long for me to find the beauty in every single photograph. It’s amazing how social norms work – for or against us sometimes – and it took some exposure and familiarity – and soon I realized how inspiring each mother really is. Thank you for teaching me what it looks like to become a mother. It changes each of us inside and out – and there is something stunning about the power and strength of what our bodies can do. For me, visiting this site helped me prepare just as much as any book I was told to read when I got pregnant. I am in awe of every woman who posts here. We all go through pregnancy and birth on our own journey, and each of us struggles in some way or another with whatever changes come with that path. My husband, bless his heart, said he thought I would make people jealous if I posted on SOAM. (God, I love that man!) I had to explain to him that I struggle with the changes in my body just like all the other women who post here, and he really missed the point of what it means to share images here. I am part of this club, even if I didn’t get stretch marks. We are all “normal” – whatever that word means – with whatever degree of change or level of comfort we have in our own skin. The point is to do our damn best to celebrate each other as women and shed light on the beauty that comes with so many shapes and sizes of motherhood. My body is just a vessel for what is really inside of me, and I’m proud it served me well to grow and nourish a healthy little girl. I’m still working on truly accepting some of the changes, but I wouldn’t trade being a mama for anything – and it’s so worth it.

Embracing the New Me (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

I am a 36 year-old mom to 3 kids, each 2 years apart. Had my babies at 29, 31, 33 years of age. Before kinder, I weighed 130 lbs, and was very slim, due to genetics and regular exercise. Now, after 8 years, 3 kids, 4 pregancies (lost one in between) and a full time job, this is “me”. I’m now at 135 lbs, and am pretty proud at how close I’ve managed to get back down to ‘pre-pregnancy’ weight. It’s taken 6 months of focused exercising to get me to where I’m at, and know that another 6 months will see the last few pounds disappear too.

However, I must admit, I still don’t like the baby “bump”, but am learning to embrace my new shape. I have found much comfort in this site, and wanted to return the favor. I don’t even mind the stretch marks, I consider them my ‘war wounds’ and they remind me of my 3 wonderful pregnancies all of which I thoroughly enjoyed. Will I ever get my 29 year old body back? Likely not. But I will do my best to be my best. So far, I’m happy with the progress I’ve made but will continue to work towards attaining my true prepregnancy weight but am ok with the knowledge that it will take time. Slow and steady wins the race? For sure! I’m on my way …

21 Year Old Who Feels Inadequate in Her New Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 19 Comments

When I got pregnant, we definitely were not planning it. I had got pregnant several months before our planned wedding date and as a result we pushed the wedding date way up and I was 3 months pregnant on my wedding day. I am still so ashamed that it happened that way. As a result, it was extremely hard, everything in the first year was so rushed, but I am so blessed that my husband endured it all with me and we came out on the other side. We were given a gorgeous baby boy, whom never ceases to amaze me. God has blessed us so much.

Now, that being said and done…I love being a mother, but after giving birth I really fell into a deep hole of depression regarding my body. I felt so disgusting, and unseen. It was like the world kept moving but I didn’t. I was fine the first month or so but then I hit a wall. I thought losing the weight wouldn’t be that difficult. I mean, I’m young, and most people I know my age that were my size were able to lose it fairly quickly…well, I wasn’t so lucky I guess. I had started out weighing 135 (5′ 10″ tall) and by the end of the pregnancy weighed in at a whopping 187 lbs. After I gave birth to my 8lb. 1oz., 20 in. baby boy, I lost about 20 lbs immediately, in the two weeks. I was pretty excited about that, but little did I know in the next 4 months I wouldn’t lose anything more. I even joined a gym and started working out 2 months after he was born, 2 days a week…and I mean pretty hardcore working out. I lost nothing. I got off birth control and lost 5 lbs. Since then I haven’t lost anything. It seems like no matter what I do, I can’t possibly lose another pound. It’s just hard feeling like what you want more than anything is unreachable. So if anyone has any encouragement for plateauing I’d deeply appreciate it. I just feel alone, this is my first child. It should be easier…

So, yeah…I’m working on myself. Trying to accept myself exactly the way I am, but It’s so hard. I don’t believe my husband when he tells me I’m beautiful. I feel like he’s watching all the other women out there who aren’t huge like me. I’ve officially become paranoid, and trust me I know this is unhealthy…so I’m posting on here because this site has been such an inspiration to me…and any kind words would help me realize that I am not as alone as I feel like I am. So does anyone out there identify with how I feel? OH and I must warn you…most of my baby weight went straight to my hips, butt, and legs. That’s where my genetics like them. haha and I also got stretch marks everywhere on my body…especially my belly and breasts. My stomach has a freaken basket weave texture now…and since my breasts went from a 34A to a 36C, I have what looks like sun rays coming out of them. haha

pic 1 …4 days overdue
pic 2-5…4 months postpardum

Claire

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Mothers with Health Complications, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 27
First Pregnancy

Before I developed chronic pain I didn’t struggle much with body image issues. I was surrounded by strong friends who were super body-positive. I was also very athletic and that fostered a lot of love and trust between me and my body.

I developed chronic pain 2 1/2 years ago after being hit by a car on my bicycle. Having chronic pain has limited my ability to be athletic to very very gentle movement, and for this and other reasons my body changed a LOT. I lost most of my muscle mass and that wonderful feeling of adrenaline you get when your heart gets going. Even if my body hadn’t changed physically I would have developed body image issues; having chronic pain can cause one to feel that their body has betrayed them. Just being in pain all the time caused me to develop a lot of anger and grief towards my body. Further, I wanted to get pregnant and couldn’t. It took a lot of work and self-care to get off the pain meds and feel strong enough to try.

When I WAS able to get pregnant with my partner I felt like I would never have body image issues again! I felt that if I could make a baby with this body then I would only feel love and gratitude towards it. For the most part, that is what I have felt! But I’ve also learned that it’s just normal to have these ambivalent feelings arise during pregnancy. Most recently, now that I am 37 weeks pregnancy, I’ve developed stretch marks that I’m really struggling with. I have good days and bad days… days I feel acceptance and happiness about the changes in my body and days when I feel ugly and upset and unhappy. It’s awesome to see the diversity of bodies and stories on this website. The more I am able to see images like these and hear these stories the more validated I feel. I see how lovely everyone is and I can turn that feeling on myself.

Thanks for reading my story! These pictures are all of my at present, 37 weeks along.

2 Years Postpartum and Still Can’t Come to Terms (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 38 Comments

Number of Pregnancies: 2 and 1 live birth
Children :1 child, almost 2 1/2 years post partum

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for creating this website that allows me not to feel so alone and to understand that I am not the only woman struggling to cope with the changes brought after pregnancy. I first logged on last year but didn’t have the courage to write my story and rather less post pictures of myself. I never thought my body was perfect but pretty close to it, I had a marvelous self image growing up and into my college years. When I walked into a room, heads turned and I walked like I owned it because in my mind my beauty gave me power. I was 5’5, 110 pounds with perky breasts, a tiny waist a butt that fit perfectly with my slender body and all with no effort on my part. I loved my body and each year waited anxiously for bikini season to arrive to show it off.

I had my daughter shortly before my 23rd birthday, the pregnancy was unexpected but welcomed none the less.I wasn’t married and my parents took my pregnancy hard, especially my mother who had greater hopes for me of pursuing my post baccalaureate degree.I had a horrible pregnancy and was either sick or vomiting up until my delivery. Adding to this was the sudden death of my mother during my pregnancy, I was still mourning what felt like the loss of part or my heart while trying to open my heart and arms for another human being. My daughter was perfect and I was happy with her but deep down inside wanted nothing to do with her, she had ruined my beautiful body. I would think to myself, what if I dropped her, would my life go back to normal..would my body come back, most importantly would my mother come back? Of course not, my mother was dead and nothing would bring her back.I felt so lonely I couldn’t sleep at night and always was tired in the day. The birth of a child is an event you share with your mother and she gives you advice at 3am on how to handle situations and there I was motherless with a child in my arms. For the sake of everyone I did my best to put my emotions aside and continue with life, smiling pretending to be happy. Thinking back, it wasn’t baby blues it was probably post partum depression toppled with the mourning of my mothers death.

At my highest weight I was 165 before delivery and maybe lost 15 pounds after that. During my pregnancy,in a matter if 6 months I went from a size A bra to almost a DD when my milk came in after delivery. I breast fed for about a month and a half but found it too difficult to continue as my daughter didn’t latch correctly so it was just frustrating and I was not in denial of my massive breast which made the whole experience just frustrating.I got on the Depo Provera Shot shortly after, and hated it. I was depressed and I could not lose weight regardless of how hard I tried, I always just thought I’d bounce back I came from thin genes where women just bounced back after pregnancy. I switched birth control and eventually began to lose weight once the shot hormones had left my system (takes up to a year after your last injection for it to leave your body completely.) Up until last year I was 135 pounds and I began to eat organically and avoid processed sugars and high fructose corn syrup. I am now 116 pounds and still hate my body. Part of me is still in denial that my body will never go back to the way it use to be. I hate looking at swim suit catalogs now because that was me before, I had that beautiful stomach and those cute little breast and now its gone and I sometimes do a double take in the mirror unwilling to accept that this is me. Full of stretch marks and hanging skin that wont go away with exercise. I am 25 years old and I hate my body, this same person that showed off her body in all its glory like a trophy for all to see and envy now hates it. My daughter is my world and I would not go back in time if it meant keeping my body and not having her but every time I see a mirror I cringe at what pregnancy did to my body and I feel so powerless at times. I don’t command all heads to turn anymore, not because I am not beautiful but because I don’t feel beautiful. I am at war with myself and the mirror, with the demons of my past and the fears of the present.

My logic tells me that who I am as a woman, as a mother is not dependent on my physical appearance but when all my life my self worth was based on something so shallow, how do shift perspectives? How do I retrain my mind and my heart to love more than the reflection I see in the mirror? How do I come to terms when I am bombarded by images of Heidi Klum and her perfect post pregnancy body when I know she had chefs and nannies and options not available to most women?

Thank you all for reading my story, and I hope it will encourage others to tell their stories and bring them one step closer to liberation from their worst critiques, ourselves. The pictures below I took this morning, almost 2 1/2 years after giving birth. My breast are covered in stretch marks from going up almost 4 bra sizes in a short time, they have no fullness on top and I have a very hard time finding bras that fit. Believe it or not I wear a C, often times a D cup because there is so much left over sagging skin that it overflows in anything smaller. My husband calls them “his little pancakes” because of their shape, I want to love them but in all honesty would jump at the chance of breast implants, not for the size but at least to get the fullness back on top and not feel like I have the breast of a woman twice my age.

Updated here.

32 Year Old Mom of 2 Boys (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 12 Comments

~Your Age: 32
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 2 boys ages 20 months and 5 months

At 5’7″, I weighed 145 lbs all through high school. I was all muscle, and on the cheerleading squad, and I thought I was so overweight. I went on fad diets, but nothing really worked. In college, I wasn’t
active at all anymore, and my weight crept up to 160, then higher and higher, until 2002, when at the age of 25 I went through a divorce. About a month after my divorce was final, I was at my highest weight,
225 lbs.

Over the next 5 years, I had success losing weight with Body for Life. However, I would always get to 180 lbs and be STUCK. After I gave up on Body for Life, I went back to 220 lbs. Miserable, I joined Weight
Watchers and over the next 5 months, I went back to 180 lbs. I was very excited to finally break the plateau, and then I surprisingly found out I got pregnant on my 30th birthday.

I had an easy pregnancy, but I gained 70 lbs. :( I was 250 exactly when I gave birth. I went back to Weight Watchers when my son was 5 days old. I had my heart on breastfeeding, but my son refused to
nurse because I was so engorged. I ended up becoming an EPer (exclusive pumper), and did so for 6 months. By then, I had lost all 70 lbs and was back to 180, and was excited to once again try and
break my 180-lb mark. Then, my milk supply dried up. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. My son was 6 months, his demand didn’t change, yet I couldn’t make any milk anymore. I took a pregnancy test
just in case. Surprise! I was pregnant again!

Rinse and repeat, seriously. I gained 70 lbs AGAIN, and was 250 when I gave birth. I was induced with my 1st baby, but my 2nd son came out on his own after the easiest birth ever. 6 hours of labor from
beginning to end, and 2 pushes. If I hadn’t chickened out and made it through the 3 hours I had the epidural, I could have birthed him at home in my tub (if it were legal in my state, which it is not). I was
up within 1 hour, and praise the Lord, he nursed like a champ.

Now we are 5 months postpartum, and I am once again nearing the 180 mark. I am so anxious, because I really do love the way I look in some ways. But I’m ready to try for the final time to become fit.
It’s so unknown though. My husband had a vasectomy 1 week ago, as we know we don’t want anymore children. It’s been so long since I’ve been under 180. I want to be around 140, but I have a lot of work
ahead of me. I am also really unhappy with my breasts. All of the pumping and nursing has taken a toll, and I am not opposed to getting a lift if (I mean, WHEN) I get to my ultimate goal weight.

My husband cannot keep his hands off of me. He loves my breasts and my butt. I am not a self-conscious person usually. When I go out, I feel sexy, and I love to feel sexy around my husband. But I know my
boys are going to be so active, and I want to be active with him. I love them so much, so absolutely. They are the best things that ever happened to me, and when I look at my body, I see them. I still look
at both of them with awe, and I always tell my husband, “I can’t believe we made them, and that they came from my body!” It is so amazing.

Wow, just writing all of that out made me feel so different about myself. Definitely more positive. I am a mother. This is my shape. I could look better, but my kids are healthy, happy, and the product
of a lot of hard work.

Thanks for letting me share my story!

1. 2003, 6 years before pregnancy, when I got to 180 for the first time.
2. Same as #1, just the back
3. 2 weeks before I gave birth to my 1st son (250 lbs)
4. 2 days before I gave birth to my 2nd son (250 lbs)
5. 1 hour after my 2nd son was born (230 lbs)
6. Same, from the side (230 lbs)
7. 6 weeks PP with #2 (about 210 lbs)
8-11. Today, 5 months PP (186 lbs)32

Really Having a Hard Time With This (Kali)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Child Loss, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 21 Comments

Age: 38
# of pregnancies:3 total, 2 miscarriages before 12 weeks, 1 full term
Postpartum: 4 weeks postpartum, C-Section

At my age and given that I lost 2 pregnancies before this I should really not be so vain, but I am horrified and floored at what I look like now. I don’t think that time or exercise are going to help.

I started my pregnancy at 5’5″ and hovering between 151 and 155 pounds. I lookied pretty good at that weight because I carried a lot of muscle, although 145 would have been perfect. I felt like garbage my whole pregnancy and lost my job at the end of my first trimester, so I was not very active. I did not, however, eat like a crazy woman.

Imagine my shock when I weighed myself the day before I had the baby and was at 205! FIFTY pounds. The stretchmarks aren’t too bad, fairly faint and all on the lower belly.

In the 2 weeks after I had him I lost 35 pounds. I really had no appetite after the c-section, so it wasn’t too hard. Now, however, my metabolism seems to have crashed. The scale hasn’t budged in 2 weeks, and I am eating healthfully, and trying to eat more to keep myself from going into starvation mode. I started walking 1 week postpartum and just started back at the gym this week.

Here’s the thing, I could handle the stretchmarks, I could handle the fat, even the fact that my boobs have gone down a cup size and headed south, but the hanging apron of skin is just gross. I feel deformed. It even smells bad under there so several times a day I have to pull up the flap of skin and clean & dry the area so it soesn’t get all sweaty & nasty. Plus I think I have a hernia. I feel a weird “ball” just over my belly button. The front pictures don’t look so bad, but the side picture shows the hangy stuff.

My fiance is loking to be intimate and I just hate the thought of exposing myself to him. He’s several years younger and has a permanent 6-pack, and although he would never say anything bad about the way I look, I can’t deal with the thought of him being secretly turned off by what’s happened to my body. I know I am.

Postpartum 21 and 25 years later – 3rd post (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Art, Belly, Breasts, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 5 Comments

Original entries here and here.

I have posted recent photos of me twice before, but now I have a beautiful drawing a friend did, from the only photo I have of me pregnant, almost 26 years ago, 2 days before my son was born. I am going to display this in my lounge – my sons and some friends may be prudish but I have no shame and am so proud of this lovely, sensitive drawing he did especially for me.

061209-anon-1

061209-anon-2