Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

I Control My Body, My Body Does Not Control Me! (Danielle)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

My age: 35
Number of children: 2 – Daughter 3yrs, Son 5 months

No one ever told me anything about what happens after pregnancy – the fatigue, depression, mood swings, bleeding for weeks, body changes – the list goes on. I was prepared for my baby, but not prepared for what pregnancy did to me.

I got pregnant with my daughter the month I turned 31. It was the first month we tried and my husband and I were ecstatic. I don’t remember much about the pregnancy except the fear and the aches and pains toward the end of the pregnancy. I have been a runner since the age of 19 and so continued to run while pregnant. I ran up until I was around 32 weeks along. In the end, I gained 40lbs and got severe, sudden onset pre-eclampsia and had to be induced. My beautiful baby girl was born healthy and full-term at 37 weeks weighing 5lbs 11.5oz, 17in long. She is the joy of my life.

After her birth, I continued to have high blood pressure for a couple of weeks and developed PPD along with strange looking bruised spots on my lower legs which I later learned can be caused by high blood pressure. I was unable to breastfeed my daughter because the doctor gave me water pills which dried up my supply. This didn’t help with my depression. I had suffered with depression before, but nothing prepared me for PPD. I do not believe in taking anti-depressants so I handled my PPD the way I always handled depression – I ran.

At first I thought the running was going to kill me. I remember the first time I tried to run I barely made it 100 yards. I could feel my tummy jiggling and that really upset me. I wondered if I would always feel that and I had thoughts of giving up and accepting failure. But I kept trying to run, even holding my tummy and wearing tight fitting pants to hold it in. Eventually I could run a mile, then two, then three and more. And eventually my tummy stopped jiggling.

In 3 months I dropped all of the pregnancy weight (I had 25lbs to lose) and, though still slightly depressed, I felt more like myself than I had for six months prior. Around that same time I ran a 10k and finished in an hour flat. It felt good! By 6 months postpartum I weighed the same as I did prior to becoming pregnant and was a whole dress size smaller.

I got pregnant with my second child almost two years later. This pregnancy was a lot more memorable and I was very comfortable with being pregnant. I took belly shots and documented the pregnancy up until the day I delivered my son at 39 weeks. I gained 35lbs and, as with my first pregnancy, I ran up until I was 32 weeks along, but, unlike with my daughter, I continued to walk every day for 30 minutes until he was born. There were no complications with his delivery. He weighed 6lbs 13oz and was 19.5 inches long. He is the love of my life.

This time I lost all of my pregnancy weight by 4 weeks postpartum. I believe it was because I pumped for four weeks to give my son as much breast milk as I could. I did not get PPD either. Instead, I felt amazing! I started running again at 2 weeks postpartum. A month later I added toning exercises. I currently work out 45-60 minutes a day, five days a week, and vary my workout between running, cycling, step aerobics and body toning exercises. Do I have to work out so much? No. I could keep my body looking like it does working out half that much, but I LOVE working out. It is time for ME and I feel powerful when I do it because I know that my body doesn’t control me – I control my body.

I am now 5 months postpartum and weigh the same as I did pre-pregnancy. I did not get any stretch marks from either pregnancy and the extra skin I do have is minimal. I do remember having less extra skin after my first pregnancy than I got this time around and it upsets me a little, but I know that if I continue to watch what I eat and exercise that the skin will eventually return to how it was pre-pregnancy, just like it did after my daughter. I started out a C cup and with each pregnancy, went up to a DD cup, and then back to a C cup. The only thing different about my breasts is that they are a little less perky, but otherwise look the same.

My only complaint about my body now is that I have spider veins in my lower leg and still have those strange bruise-like spots on one calf. I plan on getting laser vein treatments but am waiting until I know for sure if I will try for a third child. My doctor told me the veins are genetic, but considering the other genes I could have inherited, I am not complaining.

I could not find any photos of me pre-pregnancy for comparison, but I can tell you my body looked the same about six months after my first baby as it did pre-pregnancy.

I Feel Hideous (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 22 Comments

age: 22
pregnancies:2
births: 2
age of children: 2 and 1 (on june 29th)

I’ve been reading stories here on TSOAM for awhile now. And I have finally gotten the courage to write the self-image struggle I am going through right now.

I was raised by a materialistic mother where looks, glamour, and fashion were a priority.

I was the tomboy type. Hair in a pony tail, wearing comfortable clothes, care-free of what the world saw me as. That was my attitude through my high school years. I didn’t care what people thought of me. If they wanted to judge me by my looks, fine.

I was also “realistic” when it came down to looks. My mom always told me I was too fat and ugly.

I didn’t think I was TOO fat. I would say I was a bit thick, but not fat.

In terms of being ugly, I don’t know…I had my pretty days, I had my ugly days, but boys have told me I was cute. I would say I’m just average.

I didn’t let my mom bring my confidence and self-esteem down. But it was an everyday hobby of hers.

“You’re so fat.”

“I can’t believe you’re my daughter.”

“Why couldn’t you look more like your sister?”

“Do you always have to wear those jeans?”

“When are you going to start wearing make-up?”

“You know you’re ugly, right?”

I’m 4’11” and I never went past 120 and never below 100 but mostly stayed at 105-110.

(My weight fluctuated A LOT because I’m a terrible picky eater..so it was always famine or feast with me)

Well, I got pregnant when I was 19 with my first child and I was clueless. I didn’t know anything. Literally.

So I just lied around the house, eating whatever I wanted but never exercised (and I was work-out-aholic), thinking that’s what pregnant girls did (so naïve, I know). I ended up gaining 67 pounds but my doctor said I was healthy and so was my baby girl.

After giving birth I dropped to 140-145 but 3-4 months later, I got pregnant again with my second.

During those first three months however, my self-esteem was at an all time low.

Ladies at my church don’t even look fat. They are model skinny.

Seeing them so skinny, even after having three kids, made me feel depressed.

My mom hounding at me about how hideous I looked wasn’t exactly helpful either.

I got stretch marks on my calves, ALL AROUND my thighs, my stomach, and my hips. EVERYWHERE.

And it was hard to adjust seeing bright, red wrinkly lines on my skin that was once smooth and soft.

It was even more difficult seeing my stomach. My mom was right…I am hideous.

Through that depression, I found out I was pregnant.

I pushed my self-pity aside and tried to be as happy as I could.

But this time, I educated myself about pregnancy.

That’s when I found out that exercising is a healthy part of pregnancy.

I started a workout routine right away, determined to not gain 50+ pounds again.

This time, I gained 15 pounds.

And after giving birth to another beautiful baby girl, I weighed 135.

Seeing that weight drop brought on a lot more depression.

I was happy I lost more weight than I did with my first pregnancy, but it was because of exactly THAT, that got me depressed.

Why didn’t I learn about pregnancy before instead of just getting by other people’s advices (whom never mentioned exercising…)

I could have gained 15-20 pounds the first time and maybe I wouldn’t be so fat right now. I wouldn’t have so many stretch marks. My baby would be healthier. I had the worst baby blues, it was at the point where I was contemplating suicide. But I never told my doctor…I don’t believe in medication if I don’t think it’s necessary.

My oldest is now two and my second will be one in a couple weeks.

I am happy for the most part. As in, I am happy when I don’t see myself in the mirror.

When I do, I’m hit with that regret of not controlling my weight my first pregnancy.

I’m hit with depression all over again because I let myself get so fat.

My husband tells me I am beautiful..but I just don’t believe it. (Side effect from my mom’s raising..I can’t ever accept compliments on my looks..)

I love my baby girls, they are hilarious and beautiful. My husband is always supportive and loving.

I just wish I can be confident again.

Or at least just…comfortable in my own skin again…

pic 1: side view of my post partum tummy
pic 2: front view of my post partum body
pic 3: post partum breast and tummy
pic 4: holding in my tummy- I wouldn’t mind looking like this

Updated here.

I was supposed to be happy… (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Children with Health Complications, Complications in Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom 15 Comments

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 Pregnancies, 2 births
~Children: Two sons, 3.5 and 10 Weeks

My oldest son is three and a half years old. I got pregnant and married right off the bat at 18, and he was born when I was 19. He was an 8 Pound 10 oz miracle, and he blew my mind. He was strong and healthy and amazing. Although I gained 70 pounds, and went up 10 sizes, I eventually went back to normal.
My husband and I originally wanted a very large family, and lots of children. After my first was born I was using Depo for birth control. When we decided to try again we were told the Depo can take a very long time to wear off. As it turned out, it was over 18 months since we decided to try again before we finally got pregnant. A year and a half of tears, frustration, fertility testing and ovulation calendars. During that time I discovered my husband was involved in a long affair with my ‘friend.’ It brought to light a myriad of insecurities I thought I had overcome. Somehow it seemed to justify every self-loathing thought I ever had. It was a very dark time.

We became pregnant this time last year. I was thrilled, I cried, yada yada. I was convinced he was a girl because of how different the pregnancies were. At 20 weeks they told us he was a boy, and I was surprised and pretty relieved. Another boy would be so much easier. They also noticed bright spots of calcium buildup in his heart. These by themselves didn’t mean anything was wrong, but they decided to refer us to a perinatologist just to get a second opinion. That day Rocked my world.

After a long echocardiogram of his heart, the doctor came in to look at some images, and the technician and doctor spoke in a bunch of medical jargon we didn’t understand, and then we had a conference in his office. There we were told our son’s heart was “majorly deformed.” The doctor showed us diagrams, and although it’s been a long time since high-school biology, it was clearly wrong in some obvious ways. He said he could not make the diagnosis himself, but we would have another such exam at the cardiologists office from seattle. I was told I would have to deliver across the state, and if he was born here he would have to be airlifted immediately. He didn’t know how many surgeries he would need, if he would survive infancy, if he would survive childbirth, and what his life would look like if he had some major chromosomal disorder. He outlined some of the conditions associated with a chromosonal problem, including but not limited to physical disability and mental retardation, and said the medical recommendation would be to an amniocentesis. He also delicately explained that the procedure most likely would cause miscarriage, so we needed to know if saving the baby was our priority. He was basically telling us that we could abort him this way. We both said ending the pregnancy was not an option.

In later months we learned he had ‘double outlet right ventricle with transposition of the great arteries and a ventral septal defect.’ Thats a long winded way of saying his plumbing backwards, misplaced, and he has a hole in his heart.

At a future routine checkup, they determined my fluids were dramatically low. They sent me across the street to the hospital to make sure my water was unbroken. I was 36 weeks along. I spent the night in the hospital. During which time, I began strongly and regularly contracting. They established that my water had not broken, and after shots and tranquilizers my labor stopped. They asked me if I would rather be sent home, or flown to Seattle. I of course voted to go home. That night, I went into labor again. I was on procardia to stop contractions, but they just kept coming. When my husband got home from work he drove me to the hospital. I was contracting strong and regularly again, and my plug was gone. They airlifted me to seattle and gave me another shot of hardcore stimulant to relax my uterus. I stopped labor while I was there. I was so frusterated after days of hospital visits and a fucking emergency flight just to be released hours from home. My husband was at home with our preschooler. I was alone that night, and alone when I was discharged. My dad lives in bellevue and drove to pick me up that morning. I stayed with him and my sister who was on leave with the family before her deployment. Two weeks hours from home, in labor on and off, and away from my toddler. I begged my husband to bring him up every chance he got, but the trips were hard on our little guy. My sister took me to appointments, we got to spend a lot of time together, which was a silver lining. At another monitoring appointment the contractions started again. The OB was sure this was the day. She stripped my membranes to save me another night in the hospital for no reason. Later, we went in. I was open 2cm since that afternoon, and admitted. Then, at 3.5 cm, it all just stopped again. My husband drove all night to be there, and my mother in law was in a hotel room with our son. I was sent home, AGAIN, frusterated to tears and in pain. I was 48 hours from 39 weeks, so they would do nothing to progress labor. I was like that for the next 2 days. They broke my water, and I was ready to push in 6 hours. We called my sister to come back, knowing that the delivery room was likely the only place she’d get to meet him before she flew off for deployment just hours later. However, I only pushed 5 minutes maximum. He was COMING, hard and fast. I panicked. Completely panicked. I realized that once they brought him out, he could just die. I was hysterical, but he was coming, and that was that.

…I never got to hold him then. I could hear him screaming, as a panel of neonatal doctors assessed him. They brought him to me for a quick kiss and a glance, then they whisked him into the NICU and that was that. I was exhausted, and devastated. After a few hours they brought me in to see him for a moment before shift change. Then when I was discharged I was able to follow him to Childrens, about 6 hours after I gave birth. As soon as we got to children’s the doctor was on the phone with us, and we had a conversation in the ICU about our son. Loken Mordechai. They said their initial diagnosis was wrong, it wasn’t DORV, but the arteries were transposed and the problem was that the VSD (hole) was not big enough to let his blood mix. Basically, as he breathed, hisbody just kept pumping the same old, oxygenless blood around his body and brain. He was suffocating, essentially. They told me they needed to do an emergency procedure to punch a second hole between chambers, or he would not survive the 10 days until his major repair. Then my husband left. Paniced, basically. Said he needed to be on the road back home for work, but he was running away. His mother was able to stay with me for a while, but I still felt crushingly alone.

In the end, things went great, all things considered. He shows no signs of chromosonal abnormalities. After his first surgery he was doing so well they moved him out of the ICU for a week before his big repair. The people at seattle childrens were incredible. That whole hospital blew my mind with how helpful they could be. They wanted to send him home with a feeding tube, but he was doing so phenomenal at nursing and pulled his own tube out. I’ve never felt so liberated as the day we drove him home. It took us 8hours to make it across the mountains, because we stopped to for every feeding, diaper change and medication, and at the time there was a lot. Eventually they took him off his medications one by one, and finally got his stitches taken out. The cardiologist says to ‘treat him like any other baby.’ It was music to my ears, especially after seeing the other families at the hospital. We were incredibly lucky, and my older son is overjoyed to have a baby brother. He keeps thanking me for him, like he was a gift I brought home just to make him happy.
The whole ordeal was a nightmare. I feel selfish for feeling so ripped off, but I do. I tried for so long, then when the time finally came I was terrified instead of overjoyed. I was alone instead of glowing. I was crying every day, sleeping every night at his bedside. Instead of dreamily doting on him as he slept, I watched his every breath, wondering if it would be his last. Nothing about labor went as it was supposed to. Nothing at all went the way it was supposed too. Now that I’ve come home, I fell changed somehow. Permanently altered in some fundamental, huge way that i can’t identify.

I’ll never be the same.

And I don’t want any more children. I have my two precious gems to hold onto. When my first was born I thought “I want to do this again, I want as many children as I can have! This is so beautiful and magical!” But after the scariest couple months of my life, I never, ever want to do that again. I gained 50 pounds. 30 fell off right away, but then just stopped. They put me on medication for the panic attacks I have now, which I can’t nurse with, so I’m not breastfeeding. I want to, so bad, but I guess it’s just one more thing that won’t be the way I wanted. The nightmares are awful. I hardly eat because of all my anxiety. I have turned to exercise as a comfort though. I always hated exercise before, but now I love it. I feel like a completely different person, and I have to get to know myself all over again. Do I love my body? No. Do I hate my body? No. But I want to make it stronger.

The first three pictures are me 10 weeks post partum with number two. The fourth is a picture of my son at home.The fifth is my two boys. the sixth is my son in the days after surgery: his chest was kept open for five days. The final photo is my son after they closed his chest.

Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Bonnie (SOAM) My Own Ramblings, News 33 Comments

Heh. But seriously? Why can’t we? Every so often there will be a post that inspires controversy in this website. I’ve just closed comments on the most recent one without even reading the ones that appeared in the last 24 hours. Because I don’t have the energy at this moment in my life. I’m grieving, trying to clean up an entire life and make plans for the goodbye while still trying to keep my usual life somewhat in control. So, I’m sorry for deleting the last comments, and I hope you understand why. I’m just tired.

But what I want to ask you is this: keep your ears and mind open. Everyone has a story. It might not match yours, but it is just as valid. Language is the only way we have to communicate with each other online, and being very careful with the words you choose can change everything in how others respond to you. Likewise, assuming the best of the person using the words can change everything in how you feel about what you are reading. I’m not asking you amazing women to keep quiet and just take whatever shit comes your way, rather I’m asking you just speak up carefully and wisely, as though you were speaking to a dear friend.

In controversies the true intent of SOAM is often bandied about by various commenters, each giving their own take on it. What I love about that is that everyone has a different opinion, and everyone is right. SOAM is about many things. Just as most things in life, people especially, it cannot be reduced to just one facet of its existence. All those different ideas are what makes up SOAM together.

Similarly, there is no one shape for a woman’s body to take. Women are curvy and not. Women are tall and not. Women have large breasts and not. Women have stretchmarks and not. Women have extra skin and not. (Those lines inspired by this post.) What I love about this is that every one is beautiful. My goal is to help women truly understand that and be able to say, “I am beautiful!” No qualifiers. Full belief of that statement.

SOAM is often criticized for not showing mothers whose bodies are unchanged. It is equally criticized for showing only mothers whose bodies are unchanged. Personally, I think it shows both. But there is a disconnect between the two, and it seems to live within the myth that healthy eating and exercise = thinness. The truth is that there is SO MUCH that goes into what a body looks like that you just can’t make such a statement. Sometimes women do everything “right” and it’s not enough. Other times women don’t move enough or eat too much sugar, and still look like a body in a magazine. We each have our own story. Please remember this. When you write your words, please remember that everyone lives their own story and that everyone is beautiful.

Like I said, I’m in a bad place in my own life right now so I hope this all came out sounding clear and kind. If it didn’t, give me the benefit of the doubt and ask me to clarify. On a related note, please excuse my inactivity here. I’m just trying to keep swimming.

And like I said above, you are all amazing. Thank you for everything you do here at SOAM.

2 Babies, Body Unscathed (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions

I wish to submit these photos to share to give some women hope and prove that pregnancy doesn’t “ruin” your body – I am in no way trying to “brag.” These pictures are of me 3 years after two babies, 6 years apart. I was 24 with first baby and 30 with the 2nd. So, take into consideration the time…I’ve had time to recover! I am 5 5″ and 125lbs. Many people believe that only celebrities or rich people can “snap” back into shape or avoid stretchmarks. This is not true! It doesn’t take a lot of money – I am proof! I gained 35 pounds with each of my pregnancies. I watched what I ate (sort of) and tracked my weight gain by the week. I did not use being pregnant as an excuse for gorging myself on milkshakes and cheeseburgers! I did my best to stay within the healthy range of gaining. I religiously rubbed Emu oil on my tummy 4-5 times a day! I am not sure if this helped me avoid stretchmarks, but it sure felt good and my skin was like velvet! :-) I am NOT perfect…my stomach is not super-model material and I have cellulite. However, I am so proud of my body for what it has done and for growing two beautiful babies for me! Maybe I was lucky…maybe it was good genes…maybe it was a healthy diet and moderate exercise that helped me snap back. I just wanted to let people know that having a baby or being pregnant doesn’t ALWAYS ruin your body!

Will Anyone Love this Body Again? (Rebecca)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

In December of 2007 I got pregnant with my son, I was 23 years old. My then husband deployed when I was 17 weeks pregnant and I went back to live with my parents for 4 months. I didn’t have a job, I was sad because my husband was gone, I was lonely and completely unmotivated. I took being pregnant as permission to eat whatever I wanted and as much as I wanted. When I got pregnant I was about 164 lbs @ 5’7” which looked pretty good on me, I still didn’t love the way my body looked but I would kill to have it back now. I gained around 74 lbs before I had my son. My weight before delivery was 243 lbs I think. My son weighed 7lbs 10oz and was 21” long, born 8 days late via emergency c-section (I was put under.) I lost about 40 lbs in the first few weeks but then gained 20 lbs or so back in the next several months. I just couldn’t get control of my eating. I used food to solve all my problems. I decided it wasn’t worth trying to lose weight because I knew I wanted another baby and why should I lose weight just to get fat again? Yes it was a warped way of thinking, but it gave me an excuse to keep eating the way I wanted to and not take control of my problem. When my son was 13 months old I got pregnant with my daughter (October 2009) at that time I weighted about 225 lbs. I gained maybe 20 lbs with that pregnancy, they didn’t weigh me before I gave birth so I can’t be sure. My daughter was born on the day of her scheduled c-section via VBAC weighing 8lbs 4oz and 21” long. My daughter will be 10 ½ months old next week and I weigh 216 lbs still. I struggle every day with my eating habits and am working very hard to get them under control. When I was 35 weeks pregnant I split from my husband and moved back home. Since then I have been raising our children alone as we like 800 miles apart. It has been a struggle for me and I find myself repulsive, I have always had issues with body image and I don’t know if I will ever be good enough for myself. I worry that I will never find someone who can love and accept me for myself. All I see is this fat ugly body and I also come with 2 children. Who wouldn’t want to pass that up? So here I am sharing my story and my pictures hoping to find acceptance and a little understanding. My babies mean everything to me and I try to remember that as I hate on my body. This body that I have ended up with is my own fault and I think that is harder to accept than anything else. If I just would have exercised a little control while I was pregnant with my son I wouldn’t have gained so much weight, and then maybe I wouldn’t be stuck with this misshapen stomach that may never look normal again no matter how much weight I lose.

Age: 26
Number of pregnancies: 2
Number of births: 2
Age of Children: 2 ½ and 10 ½ months
Pictures: pre-pregnancy, today x3, my daughter, my son

Gaining More Confidence (Apryl)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 11 Comments

Previous entry here.

Pregnancies – 4 or 5
Births – 3
18 months post-partum

Even in my original post, I tried to make myself sound a lot more confident than I really am. But I am gaining a lot more.

As of right now, I am about 90 pounds lighter than I was prior to getting pregnant with my youngest child. I’ve also separated from my husband, and he is putting me through hell with getting our divorce. It’s no easier being a single mom now than it was before. But I’m learning to love myself again. And I decided to get serious about getting healthy. I’m getting there slowly.

These pics were taken 6-16-2011

Updated here.

Closure and Acceptance (Melissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

Previous post here.

Age: 23
Number of Pregnancies: 1
Number of Births: 1
PP: 8 months today

I have been keeping up with the readings here, and honestly I do not know what I would have done without this website. Reading your stories, seeing real pictures, have been an eye opener, and an equalizer in all senses of the word. Thank you for this site.

First I have to say to all you women beginning with PP, things will get better. I had a c-sectionwasn’t able to breastfeed and had borderline PPD. My relationship fell apart, my family suffered, I was miserable.

All it took was for me to stand in front of the mirror and accept things that I could not change. I have the “pouchy tummy” the “ungodly” stretchmarks, and some extra weight, but I have accepted it as a work in progress. My body kinda droops now, but I kinda laugh at myself and poke at it thinking that “eventually” I’ll work it off.

However I put on my bathing suit today, got in pool, did some laps and felt oodles better. I remember last summer not being able to get into the swimming pool because I was pregnant and my daughter didn’t like the feeling. I laughed at myself, told myself how out of shape I was and got out.

Then it hit me. I really don’t care anymore. I have accepted that this body brought a gorgeous, beautiful little girl into the world, and all she is going to see is mommy. She won’t see the imperfections, she won’t see the fat. She will see a person that will do anything for her, and keep her safe.

This is what really matters. Not weight, not stretchmarks, not tummy tucks… the love of a child. I know I will have my ups and downs with my body image, but really who doesn’t? I stumbled across a site yesterday that was pro-anorexia. Women on this site were tearing apart celebrities bodies like Hayden Pantierre and Emma Watson saying they were fat and could stand to lose 15 pounds. I was sick.

But I then I thought I was no better than those girls who were skinny mourning a slight skin bulge: I was complaining about something that I could not fix over night. Something that needed to be accepted and if I wanted to change it it would take time. I was chasing the image of my “highschool” figure… one forever captured in photographs.

I may not be that fit girl anymore… but I am a woman. I have done what that girl never could: I brought life to my daughter. And nothing anyone could offer could make me regret having my daughter.

Today marks the 8 month PP, and I know it is customary to post pictures of ourselves, whichever stage of grieving or acceptance we are in. Well I’m not going too. However, I will share with you the love of my life, and why I have come to accept, embrace and love the body that brought her forth: I probably will not post anymore either, but I will read and provide comments and such. Thank you for this site, and sharing with me.

Picture 1: Scarlett Mozell :)
Picture 2: Scarlett and I performing at local Renaissance Faire. Yep we’re in a guild : )

I want myself back. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Vulva 33 Comments

I have a gorgeous 16 month old son. I am 21, myself. I feel terrible about my body. I don’t feel like the same person, I literally look at pictures of myself before giving birth and think to myself how I miss that very faraway strange person. it never leaves my mind. If I am alone and undistracted to long I think of ending it all. Its not just my saggy breasts, my watermelon striped jelly belly but my new vagina. Its horrific. I never queefed before. I feel like a bug could crawl up there. Sex is exponentially less good, sometimes painful. The doc says im normal. I had no tearing. The “normal” part makes me feel so much worse like I’m supposed to accept it, and as if everyone else already has accepted for me the fact I am a mom now and nothing else, much less someone who should care about sex or have good sex. I never had given mom sexuality much thought, especialy with so many celebrity births but now I feel like “Oh duh! being a mom is the precursor to being old! to having a not tight pussy! to no longer being first choice!” I feel all used up. I thought when people say stuff like “Oh you look great for having kids” they meant oh you lost weight. So what? who cares about weight when you have puckered, sagging, marked up skin, floppy breasts and a weird looking loose pussy?! I feel violated and robbed in ways I didn’t know were possible.

Id really like to thank you for creating this website I was thinking of doing something similar but not as positve when I ran across Shape of a Mother. I am in therapy for PPD. Rx drugs seem to numb me at best. Looking through your site has been my first flicker of real hope and break from intense aloneness and feelings of worthlessness. I know I have a looong way to go and am still looking into LVR and cosmetic procedures but the world seems allot less foreboding now. I saw other women saying the same thing I was thinking upon finding The Shape of a Mother, Id never feel so negative towards another woman in my position.

Goodbye beautiful body, hello beautiful daughter. (Elivert)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 4 Comments

I have 21 years old. For a long time my body had taken care of no gain, of stretch marks,always look my beautiful belly. Until I met my lovely husband, who has supported me and always wanted, we wanted very much a baby in our lives.

Until a year ago gave us the news of my pregnancy cute, and today at 4 months postpartum, I have the most beautiful in the world, my daughter, and the havoc it caused in my pregnancy with stretch marks until my stomach and few extra pounds.

My daughter was born on 9 1 / 2 pounds and very healthy, I’m trying to accept my body positively, see my life with “I am a mother” I have not got my body and my life before but I have a precious gift, good two precious gifts My daughter and husband Milind who supports me and loves me so, are the most beautiful I have in life and is the only thing that need to be happy, but you always want to look better.

I thought undergo a abdominoplastic and improve the appearance of my new body,which I hate but is the sacrifice of the most beautiful and paid profession in the world,become mothers. I look forward to seeing me sexy for my husband, is the most important and to whom I am full after my daughter.

these are my photos:1- before Pregnancy2- 1 months pregnancy3- 5 months pregnancy4- 8 months pregnancy5- 1 months postpartum6-7 – 3 months postpartum, my belly.

Updated here.