Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

My belly used to be happy, now it’s sad. (Claire)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

AGE 24
Pregnancies 2
Little boys 3YRS AND 2YRS
Natural births

As a 24 year old woman i have never really remembered a time when i looked in the mirror and thought i look really good and been 100% happy with my body. I remember being 16 years old at school and hating my weight of 130lb 5ft 4 . I look back now and think i would kill to have that body back. After a 7 year happy relationship and marriage the lbs have caught up on me as when your happy you don’t really care as much.

My first pregnancy was great everything was fine and the natural birth wasn’t bad either i didn’t need any stitch’s or anything . The worst thing was my belly afterwards it was just a saggy bag of nothing and i remember looking in the mirror at my stretch marks and thinking this will go back please please go back and fade away. Now when you have a newborn the last thing you want to do is work out and yes i will admit i did get lazy and i expected my tummy back with no work at all.

10 months later i got pregnant again and this time around it wasn’t that easy i was very ill and went to 42 weeks. My poor tummy was awful i wish i had toned up before.

I weight myself the day before i gave birth and i was 200lb now i was 2 weeks over and i thought my god this has just got to be the water and baby.

lol i remember the first thing i did when i arrived home with the baby is run upstairs to the bathroom to weigh myself hehe. I was 180lb I had an operation when i was 17 so now my stomach was hanging over my scar just like a c section.

This self hate of my body had to stop.

I was in denial really just got on with being a good mum to my two little munchkins but on October of last year i decided i want to weigh 130lb again i want to feel like i did at 16 and this time not beat myself up as i now know it was a healthy weight. I started healthy eating and no carbs mixed with Zumba and running.

I am now 138 lb and feel great still have to tone now i want to try and sculpt my stomach back naturally as much as i can. The picture is my sad tummy now i am trying to make her smile again lol.

I am hoping my new skin care routine will help my scars and my 100 sit ups a day with more cardio will help. I do know accept i will never be confident enough to wear a 2 piece swimsuit and have thrown all my old ones away but i have replaced them with lots of sexy one pieces and actually feel a little better.

I do accept my body more now as i know i have worked to help it out and i know i have two little darlings that are happy and healthy there are more important things in life all natural mummies have wobbly bits its just more to cuddle i suppose

Updated here.

Proud Mother of Four (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy, Update 6 Comments

Growing up I was always the “skinny pretty” girl and was this without having to try. I ate what I wanted and never exercised a day in my life! Although I was involved in extra curricular activities, none of those were sports!

I became pregnant at 17 and had my first son at 18. He was 8lbs so I wondered what the rest of the 58lbs was from! I went up to 188lbs! After having my son, I became obsessed with him. I didnt leave the house for months and didnt care much about my appearance. My life was there in this newborn baby. I was in a awful relationship which did nothing for my self esteem. I began college driving 1 hour to and from it 5 days a week and with my son only being 3mths old, I had no time to myself. I was about 160lb during this time. This is when I heard the comments that never in my life I had heard. “Youre kinda chubby, huh?” “Your butt is big!” or “OMG, you gordita (chubby).” It was worse when my 2 y/o cousin became frightened and said “Someone scratched you!” as she stared at my stretch marks, when my shirt when up.

After 2 yrs, I left the relationship and dropped down to about 145lbs. I then began to date my now husband. My weight then fluctuated about 20lbs here and there. 10mth later, I became pregnant. So my starting weight was about 166 and my ending pregnancy weight was 208!! Im 5’2′ so this was just horrible! I then became stuck at about 180 for a while. About 2 years later and 3 months after marrying my wonderful husband, Iwas now weighing about 160, we adopted a newborn girl. 6mths later I found out I was expecting. So I had my 6y/o, 1 y/o, 6mth old and now preggo!

My starting weight was about 170 and ending weight was 216!! From all these weight gains and losses, my stomach is just mush, my breast (or flaps as I like to call them) are just deflated and my butt is hail damaged. My baby is now going to turn 3 and I said enough is enough. These pictures are 2.5 months into my weight loss. Beginning weight was 192 and I am currently 169. I have lost 4 inches from my hips, 6 inches from my waist and 3 from my chest. Although I know my breast will never be perky and my stretch marks will never disappear, I have just began to feel good about myself. It has ONLY taken me close to 11 years!! I have struggled with confidence all these years. My husband tells me everyday how beautiful I am and believe it or not, my 2 year old saw me uploaded the pics and said with a gasp “you’re pretty mommy” and thats enough to melt my heart and make me feel like a supermodel <3 29 years old 3 pregnancies and 3 births 10 (soon to be 11), 5, 4 and 2 (soon to be 3) [gallery] Updated here.

The Body I’ve Learned to Live With (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

I’m 22 years old, I am now 20 months postpartum with my first son and 19 weeks pregnant with my second. I’ve always been on the chubbier side weighing 140lbs at only 5″2,before I got pregnant with my first. I gained 40 pounds during my pregnancy and never seemed to be able to get it off. I’ll never forget sitting in the doctors office and seeing a weight chart and finding out I’m no longer categorized as overweight but now stage one obese. I haven’t worn a pair of jeans in over two years. Going up six pant sizes is heartbreaking. Now with my second on the way I can only think about how my body will be after birth. Though I was chubby ore pregnancy with my first, my stomach was “perky” it didnt hang low or go over my pants. Now with the added weight, the stretched out skin and probably the loss of muscles (from a c section) I’ve got a low hanging flap of skin and fat which I try to live with. I fear I’ll never have the body I had…the body I hated once but wish I could have again. I have more then my share of stretch marks but they don’t bother me at all, my cellulite covered butt and thighs dont bother me too much..it’s my stomach that haunts me daily. I’ve learn to laugh and be open with my weight. Im my bothered by blurting out how much I weigh ( like it isn’t obvious) but when I’m alone in a changing room trying on outfits after outfits without finding something flattering, I break down and sob. What upsets me is mothers who are thin complaining about how “fat” they look during pregnancy. If only they felt how I feel today. It all comes down to thinking positive. I have my ups and downs but when I think about the beautiful healthy child I have in my life because of this body, nothing else matters. I have a child now that will love me until I die no matter what I look like,no matter how many stretch marks I have,no matter how low my stomach hangs, no matter how thick my thighs are. What I have is love and that is more important then how others view me.

The Stranger in the Mirror (Miserable)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 17 Comments

Before my first pregnancy in 2008 I was relatively slim: 9 stone 7 lbs ( 133 pounds in American money!) although I don’t think I carried it well as I’m short: 5′ 3″, and I’ve always had a big bottom and wide hips, but even so I was in fairly good shape. I was a lot slimmer before 2008, I’d had one of those years and put on about half a stone so I was already on the path to self-loathing. But when I became pregnant I really wasn’t concerned with putting on weight and for the first time in many years I didn’t bother about calorie counting and ate what I wanted when i wanted, but never for two! Oh OK, I ate for about 10 when I went on holiday to Barbados halfway through my pregnancy but otherwise I ate properly some days, a bit OTT others. While I knew I would have to lose a few pounds after giving birth I was enjoying the fact that I didn’t need to starve myself and that I felt free of the bulimia/weight on/weight off cycle I’d been in during my twenties. I was very excited about the impending birth of my son.

At 4 months’ pregnant I BALLOONED overnight. And it didn’t stop; I even had people stop me in the street and ask if I was expecting twins and at 16 weeks pregnant when flying from Italy, where I lived, to the UK I was asked for my doctor’s letter to say I could fly (a letter which, in Europe, we don’t have to have until 28 weeks pregnant) and in one restaurant that we frequented regularly in Italy the waitress was aghast when she saw me at around 6 months pregnant and said (in Italian) “My God how much weight have you put on? You must have put on 40 kilos, my daughter only put on 11 kilos in her whole pregnancy. You English eat far too much!” I left immediately in tears. After 7 and half months I didn’t leave the house other than to pop downstairs to the local greengrocer for some fruit. It was completely crushing to have people stare at me, to see my reflection in shop windows, to be asked how many were in there, to be told I was fat. I was but I didn’t want to be told so. The latter part of my pregnancy was completely ruined and, looking back, I think depression had started to set in even then. It didn’t help that my stepdad (who had brought me up from age 5) was dying of Cancer and my mum was so engrossed in her caring role that she virtually ignored my pregnancy. We had to have our son in the UK (for reasons of nationality) so at 8 and a half months pregnant we got the sleeper train to the UK. We booked a holiday cottage and waited. And waited. And waited a bit more. I refused to be induced and our baby was born 21 days overdue! I was devastated to end up with an emergency caesarean (I’m English! This is how we spell it!) due to our baby turning back-to-back, placenta abrupting and a few other things (which i don’t care to remember), I had been staunchly against caesareans throughout my pregnancy and to this day I am heartbroken that I didn’t get the natural birth I wanted. yes, I know the most important thing was a healthy baby, I really do, but I still mourn not having a normal delivery. I feel denied my womanly right.

I didn’t get to hold our baby for an hour and 20 minutes after the birth – not because there was anything wrong, not because I’d had a general (I hadn’t), simply because the midwife handed him to my partner without thinking and forgot to say that I could hold him (we thought that perhaps I wasn’t allowed to in the operating theatre). When we got to the recovery room I asked to hold him. I’ll never forget how he looked at me – it wasn’t the look of recognition that so many women talk about, it wasn’t love, I felt like he was saying ‘Oh no, I’ve got YOU!” From that day to this he’s always been Daddy’s boy. I think the postnatal depression started in earnest the next day. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my son, but it wasn’t a happy time after the birth – for a long time. While in hospital I didn’t worry about my enormous belly that still looked at least 6 months pregnant, even when my dad came to see me and said sarcastically, “You’ve got a lovely figure now, haven’t you?!” (tact, diplomacy, sensitivity – not his strong points). That started about a week later.

During pregnancy no. 1 I put on 70 pounds.

I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and didn’t lose a single pound (other than the 14 I lost giving birth and losing water immediately after). My stepdad died when my son was 7 months old and I lost 14 pounds then. A year later I lost 7 pounds then went to New Zealand to visit relatives and put it back on (cakes galore made by my partner’s mum). I’d just started to lose again when I became pregnant with no.2 and, just as before, bang! I looked 6 months pregnant at 6 weeks. I had recently joined the gym on a special programme via the doctor but I had such terrible morning sickness and was so uncomfortable with heartburn (which started at 6 weeks and continued to 39 weeks, not a day’s let up) and my general size that I gave up at 3 months pregnant. At 4 months pregnant, mid October 2010, I was asked by the checkout operator at the supermarket if I would be having a Christmas baby. When I told him “No, a Spring baby” he almost fell on the floor. We had moved back to the Uk by this time and I have to say that the comments about my size were fewer than they had been in Italy. But still I felt not unlike Jabba the Hut. This time I had prenatal depression and it was awful, I really struggled to get through it and had counselling all through the pregnancy. Happily, however, the day son no. 2 was born (caesarean again after 38 and a half weeks of planning a VBAC I was forced to change my mind as baby was transverse and had been all the way through the pregnancy that they could tell) it lifted, just melted away. This time, I held my baby almost as he was born (a very understanding surgeon who agreed to many non-routine things for me) and he looked at me with love.

During pregnancy no. 2 I put on 42 pounds. Considerably better than no.1 but remember I hadn’t lost much after no.1 so I ended up 14 pounds heavier than I had done at the end of pregnancy no.1. But this time I lost 28 pounds within a month of giving birth, then slowly lost another 7 over the next 6 months, then stopped. Again I breastfed exclusively for 6 months and now my son is 12 months I still feed him myself twice a day. But I have lost no more weight. I admit I comfort eat. And eat. And loathe. And eat and then I do it all again, it goes on in a vicious cycle. I haven’t seen my pubic hair for 4 years now due to the enormous overhanging lump of lard around my middle – and I used to have quite a flat stomach, proudly so. I am 4 dress sizes bigger than I used to be pre-children. I have a proper double chin that Tevye would proud to see on Golde. I have 3 huge boxes of beautiful, some expensive, clothes that I cannot wear and slump around in supermarket threads which are cheap in the hope that soon I will be able to get my real clothes out again. I avoid some old friends who want to see me after living abroad for many years because I’m so embarrassed about how I look compared to when they last saw me and I was slim. Every couple of months I manage to find some motivation and do some exercise and start a diet but when I lose only 3 or 4 pounds in a month or so I lose heart and binge on, well anything really. Half the problem with exercise is that the overhang really hurts if I do much more than a brisk walk – it literally slaps me on the upper thighs and swings from side to side.

I can barely look at myself in the mirror, every single bit of me looks like someone else. And I don’t like her.

Age 38

Picture 1 shows me at 8 weeks pregnant, first pregnancy 2008
Pic 2 Approx 18 weeks
Pic 3 Approx 38 weeks
Pic 4 Today, 21st April 2012 (I didn’t take any pics of myself during pregnancy no. 2)

13 Years and Still Have Body Issues (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 4 Comments

I am 39 going to 40 in 3 weeks. I have been pregnant 5 times and have 3 wonderful children, son 18, daughter 14, and daughter 13. I was in the Army for 8 years. (I got out when pregnant with my 3rd child). I joined the army at 18. I was 22 when my son was born. I weighed 140 lbs before I had him and 130 after. At 26, after my first daughter was born I didn’t loose the weight like I had before. Then I got pregnant again and knew that things would never be the same. I loved being a mom and wanted to be a better mother so I chose to leave the military when I was 3 months along with baby #3. I often wonder if I had stayed in would I have been able to loose the weight. I currently weigh 200 lbs. I struggle with my body and think I should look better. I know how to exercise and what I should eat, I read all sorts of books and try this program or that one. I tell myself it is genetic, all the women on my dad’s side are large. I think what message I want my teenage girls to see. I pretend that I am ok with how I look but deep down I know I am lying. I wish I had appreciated the way I use to look and get mad at myself for feeling that way. I do not want to say it is a daily struggle but I is often in my thoughts. Sometimes I think I must just be to lazy. Other times I think that life just got in the way and other times I just don’t care.

I look at the few picture that I have of myself and think how slowly my weight went up. I didn’t even really notice until I was in a size 18. I see myself 20 years ago and think that was a size 9, 15 years ago and that was size 6, 10 years ago size 14, 5 years ago size 16. I keep thinking that I heard once we are suppose to worry less about appearance the older we get and I wonder what age that is because I haven’t reached it yet!

It is not about stretch marks for me it is about the numbers. I weigh 200 pounds! If I had trainers and personal chefs and a driver to take my kids around like the stars do maybe I would be able to get that number down but right now I am in the real world. I have kids to drive around, cooking to try and fit in, work and house work and all the other things that go with life.

Maybe one day I will feel differently. I think this web site is a first step.

I am a woman reclaiming my body. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) First Pregnancy, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 1 Comment

Aged 33. 1 beautiful six year old boy. 1 plus size single mum.

What a fantastic website, have just taken a look and I love that women are taking the chance to say ‘hello, this is what real women look like’ and having their joy and pain witnessed.

Some women come through pregnancy and childbirth without any scars or wounds at all, but I wasn’t one of them. I was already vastly overweight and not in a place where I liked anything about my body, when I found out that I was pregnant. My partner had left me before I even found out I was pregnant, so was entering into motherhood totally alone. During childbirth I lost a lot of blood, and had to have a transfusion, and my son was delivered by ventouse, and I sustained a third degree tear. My body was already wrecked before pregnancy so I had no loss to grieve over.

Becoming a mum 6 years ago has changed my life, I knew that to give my son the best of me, I had to go on a journey of healing. I had counselling and therapy, to try and get to the bottom of some of my issues that keep in enslaved to food, and I am currently training to be a counsellor. I have been in long term therapy for a couple of years now and I am loving it. I am loving the journey, and I am loving the person that I am becoming, and I am learning to love me.

The added weight gained by pregnancy means that I am now about 10 stone overweight, I have stretch marks and saggy boobs, and marks under my breasts where skin rubs on skin, it is by no means pleasant. I would not be able to post a photo on here at the moment. It’s a step too far – but soon I hope I’m on my way.

I have been single since I found out I was pregnant, and that is working out great for me, I am learning for the first time what it means to be a woman, and what it means to be in a relationship with myself.

Two final things. I found great comfort and humour in the book ‘how to be a woman’ by Caitlin Moran, we are not alone in our body issues.

And lastly I wept when I read this piece of writing which I share with you in the hope that you too might print it out and enter into a vow with yourself every day.

I am a woman reclaiming my body…. (author unknown)

My body, at last, I claim you! I live here! I am not some discarnate spirit using just any vehicle to get around.
I live in the full, round, soft, juicy, wet, strong, agile, capable, spirit filled, nurturing, graceful, flowing, comforting,
lovely smooth, dancing, singing, playing, working, praying body of a woman!
For so many years I rejected my body because it isn’t perfect according to the standards of my culture.
I have been unfaithful to it, letting others opinions turn me against it, allowing others to use it without love, without tenderness.
Because I myself rejected my body, I didn’t protect it, didn’t demand that it be treated like the precious gift that it is.
My body, the temple of my soul, deserves better from me.
I reclaim this body. I re-claim these eyes and their vision; this mouth and its words; these arms and legs and their hugging and dancing.
I re-claim these breasts and their magnificent fullness; I re-claim these wide, round hips and strong fleshy thighs and their walking on earth.
I re-claim this vagina and all its secret folds and this womb and its bleeding. I re-claim all of my body parts, named and unnamed.
This body is a miracle; it is the first gift of the Creator to me – my birthday present.
I take this body to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to honor, love, and cherish until death do us part. I am a woman reclaiming my body!

I hope I will be back to post my photo soon.

Overcoming PPD & Learning to Accept My Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 5 Comments

Number of pregnancies: 4, number of live births: 2, age of children: 9 & 18 months

I would like to start out by saying thank you for your website. What an absolute blessing it was for me to happen across it. I am 28 years old and a proud mom to a 9 year old boy and an 18 month old girl. I have a “big boned” body which basically means I don’t look the weight that I am. I currently weigh 220 lbs, size 16 jeans and size 42 DD bra.

With that said, I got married and pregnant at the age of 18 when I weighed 140 lbs and when I gave birth at the age of 19 I weighed 180 lbs. I divorced his father when he was the age my daughter is now. His father does not care to be in his life and after being a single mother for 2 years I met the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. At the beginning of the relationship I weighed 160 lbs. About a year into the relationship I was up to 180 lbs and it is around this time he began to see other women. Although I knew of his affairs I desperately wanted a child with him as well as a dad for my son. I became pregnant twice. Both ended in miscarriages at around 12-15 weeks. After the miscarriages he began to treat me horribly. He broke me down mentally and I hated myself. About 5 years into the relationship I broke it off. Once again I was a single mom. I worked hard to lose weight and got down to 160 lbs.. I joined a local church and began to build my relationship with the Lord. About 2 months after I joined the church I began dating a man who was also a member. He was 21, I was 26 and we found out we were expecting a child after 4 months of dating. He was extremely excited as well as his family. We were soon engaged. He was by my side throughout the entire pregnancy. I weighed 250 lbs when I gave birth and our daughter weighed 10 lbs 4 oz. He was the first one to hold our daughter and he was the first person to change her diaper. He is a wonderful father to our daughter and to my son. I am just getting over PPD and it has been very hard. He has been through it all with me and he loves my body no matter how big or small I am but for me it has been very difficult. Right after I had my son I bounced back to 140 lbs, was tone, fit and had teenager boobs still. But I was 19, this time I was 26. I am now 220 lbs and have never been this big in my life. Every time I looked at myself in the mirror I teared up. I hated the way I look which in turn made me feel terrible which in turn made me unpleasant for my family to be around me. I want to lose weight but I am a stay at home mom running after a VERY active 18 month old toddler so working out is at the bottom of my “to do” list. So I am coming to terms with my looks and now when I see my reflection in the full length mirror when I get out of the shower I smile because I know that my body is a temple and has housed 4 miracles, two who are angels and two who are running around in the living room laughing and playing. My fiance loves me like no one ever has and I am learning, from him, how to love myself.

I hope my stories and pictures can help someone the way that others have helped me. We are ALL beautiful no matter what our skin looks like…our children are worth every bump, stretch mark, flap and sag our body has endured.

Pic #1: 7 months pregnant with baby #2
Pic #2: 9 months pregnant with baby #2
Pic #3: 18 months pp from baby #2 (side)
Pic #4: 18 months pp from baby #2 stretch marks
Pic #5: 18 months pp from baby #2

Learning to Love (Jill)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 7 Comments

It makes me angry how much pressure society puts on women to look perfect at all times, even after bearing a baby. Instead of being proud of growing a life we turn to hate and fail to see the immense beauty that has taken place. Our bodies brought new life into this world and that is amazing!

After having my first son, I hated my body. I was disgusted with myself. I thought it pointless to even try and do anything about it. Pregnant with my second son, I learned to appreciate my body and take care of it. I was carrying my child, my body was doing an extraordinary thing. I’m not quite 3 months post partum from my second son, still over my pre-pregnancy weight, still covered in stretchmarks and sagging skin and I don’t think my body will ever be the same again but I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself more.

25 years
3 pregnancies, 2 births
Sons aged 2 years 9 months and 2 months 2 weeks

Does Your Boob Hang Low? (Amanda)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

I had my beautiful baby boy in October 2010, ventouse delivery on his due date! I became absolutely massive as my pregnancy progressed with swelling in every part of my body. I think I was 52 inches around the waist the last time I measured my stomach when pregnant. I gained around 30 kg’s with my pregnancy and my little boy was an ounce short of 9 lb’s.

He has been breastfed since birth and is now 18 months old and still an avid nursling (which I love!) with no signs of readiness to stop any time soon. I know that my boobs are wonky from pregnancy (although I didn’t realise how badly until this picture was taken) and that I’m still quite large around the middle with the saggy skin and stretch marks to boot.

We live with my parents who constantly tell me how fat I am (I was a skinny teen) which brings me down a heck of a lot. We are not financially stable enough for me to afford gym and with an 18 month old toddler running around you’d think I would lose weight a lot quicker! But being very close to my pre-pregnancy size, seeing this site and discovering how normal I am will give me the strength to ignore the nasty comments about my weight. I KNOW I’m not fat but it still tears me up a little to hear my own parents telling me what an elephant I am and comparing me to other people post pregnancy. I also have a merina iud fitted that makes it hard to lose weight but thanks to breastfeeding I’m not gaining weight either.

We have all done such a beautiful thing with our bodies that we should consider the after effects as battle scars from going through such intense and traumatic changes. And just as the battle scars of soldiers, we should wear them proudly and without fear.

Well done ladies, you’ve all made me feel so much better.
Xxx

24, 1 pregnancy, 1 child Sebastian 18 months old

My Story (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 4 Comments

Age: 17
Pregnancies: 1
Son’s age: 18 months. His birthday is October 17, 2010.

First, I would like to say it’s great to find a website like this! There are so many people who don’t understand how mothers feel. My story starts when I was 14. The summer before freshmen year. I was 5’4″ 128 pounds perfect skin, in perfect shape. Had size 34-A boobs and wore a size 3 or 5 pants. I was perfectly happy with myself. When I was 14 my sister graduated from high school. I met my son’s father at her open house. I should have known from looking at him that he was trouble, but he was the first person to ever like me and not my best friend.
So in July of 2009 we started dating. By November he had convinced me to have sex with him for the first time. I was only 15 at the time, he was 16. So technically it was illegal but whatever that’s not the point.

In March of 2010 I realized I was pregnant. I was only a freshmen in high school! How could this happen to me! I was so confused and afraid of what would happen, I chose to hide it from everyone. In May we got our class rings. Mine didn’t fit right because my fingers were swollen. When school ended in June my mom had hee suspicions that I was pregnant. She asked me repeatedly through the summer, but everytime I told her no. In July my family went to numerous amusement parks. I went too and yes I rode rollercoasters and everything with no problem. Stupid!
In August my dad had to go to Iowa to help with the flood damages for work. I went along. I carried things that were over 100 pounds for two weeks straight. In Iowa my pants stopped fitting and I developed stretch marks on my stomach, hips, and boobs. When we got back home a couple weeks later all I wanted to do was sleep, so I did. My son’s father still had no clue I was pregnant and neither did my family.
At school on the first day of my Sophomore year everyone could tell I was pregnant. It was hard to believe my own family couldn’t tell I was but kids at school could. On Friday of the second week of school my mother once again asked if I was pregnant and I finally said yes. She got me into the OBGYN the following Monday. I found out I was almost 35 weeks along.

For the next three weeks I was kept under close watch. I still went to school, but every other day I had to go in for non-stress tests and once a week I had to have an ultrasound done. My son’s father and I were overwhelmed. We went on a whirlwind shopping trip with my mom when I was 36 weeks because I had nothing. That’s when I noticed the stretch marks on my legs.

I had my son Logan when I was 38 weeks pregnant and he was perfectly healthy. When he was three weeks old I went back to school and my mom and grandma watched him while I was gone. I started pilates at school when he was six weeks old. Before I was pregnant I weighed 128 pounds, during my pregnancy I got up to 157 pounds, after I finished pilates I was 115 pounds. When my son turned four months old I broke up with his dad. He was obssessive, had jealousy issues, and tried to control me. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I continued to let him go to his house every other weekend. The next month I learned something that shattered my whole world. My son’s father had been molesting his 13 year old step sister the ENTIRE time we dated. I was livid. He went to jail the next month. He was put in jail for three years. Now he only has two years left.

So, today. My body is… Not where I want it to be. I weigh 112 pounds. I wear a size three pants. My skin is horrible. I have the worst acne and it will not go away no matter what I use. My stretch marks will not go away. I may look skinny and everything, but I don’t see myself that way. I see thunderthighs and stretch marks. People tell me I look anorexic, but I eat all the time! I’m having a hard time right now emotionally. My son goes to his fathers mothers house every other weekend now and she takes him to see his dad every other Sunday. It breaks my heart to know he’s going there. He is 18 months old and has a mother who is a high school junior and a dead beat dad? What kind of life is that? Oh and to top it all off, my hair comes out for no reason when I brush it. I LOVE being a mother. I LOVE Logan. I just don’t love myself the way I am right now.