Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Isabelle, I love you! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 28 Comments

Number of pregnancies 4 (2) miscarriages (2)abortions

Please don’t judge me I have made mistakes just as any human being in the world ! I am 22 years old I was 17 when I had my first pregnancy I lived with my bf we were both in nursing school in Mexico and very happy for the little boy that was coming I miscarried on my 18th birthday of may 2008 was 3 months. I was grieving so much that I wanted to replace that baby I got pregnant in august and in October that year I came back to los Angeles to have my baby here the doctors couldn’t find a heartbeat so they performed a d&e. I was deveatated and became greatly depressed . I started to just focused on my school and a few months later of the following year I started a relationship with my childhood neighbor we dated for 1 year and a half and that’s when I became pregnant again I was so happy I was finally gonna have a baby , unil I told him I was pregnant he changed completely …I found out he had cheated on me all along with 10 other girls and I had contracted chlamydia from him I was devestated once again he told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and he wasn’t gonna help me that if I had the baby he was gonnamake my life miserable . I was petrified !! I cried everyday throughout my whole pregnancy I had no ones support my dad was against me having a baby at all at this young age . So I in January 2011 I was 17 weeks pregnant I had my first abortion. And I never saw him again ! I became even more depressed started drinking so much even started doing drugs . Later that year I started working in a convalescent home as a nurse assistant with the elderly and I found peace and happiness there I felt better being around them and taking care of them . In march 2012 I met what I believed was my soul mate . In April the following month I was pregnant again with a little girl that I named Isabelle I was extremely happy I would finally have a baby in my arms what I always dreamed of being a wife and a mother . The happiness didn’t last long me and isabelles father were living together …I found out he had been hiding from me that he was still legally married. I contacted the wife by looking through his phone and of course she said she too was pregnant . He changed completely with me I couldn’t trust him again everyday with him and his mother was a living hell for me . Arguing everyday until I couldn’t take it anymore I was 3 months pregnant when we got seperated . I felt lonely scared with no jib no one to help me but him but it was too late he said he didnt wanna be with me anymore he even started saying that my baby was not his it broke my heart . He prefered his family to our daughter and I . I begged him to work things out between us he said it was too late that he was going back to his wife . I was confused I felt betrayed I felt like trash I thought why bring this little girl into the world only to suffer how would I explain this to her when she got older ? So with my heart shattered into a million pieces I went to planned parenthood I was 20 weeks …it took me that long to decide if I wanted to do it or not. On Sept 5 of 2012 they stopped isabelles heart on Sep 6 they put me to sleep and took her out that day I felt like I died with her . I will never be the same again . I miss her so much . I regret so much I have nightmares about it.I cry everyday . I tried hurting my self . No one understands what I feel all this guilt I feel ! I would do anything to have her back in my belly kicking me waking me up at night’s . Her kicks were the most beautiful ..memorable moments of my life . I have started going to church I confessed and god knows I regret it . I only hope he grants me the wish of being a mother if not all I want is to be with isabellee and my other babies …what has happened to me is a living hell and I don’t wish it upon anyone . Thank u for reading .

Mommy Belly (Brittany)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 9 Comments

I had my son on November 4th 2009. I love him to death but I am so depressed over what has happened to my stomach. I was underweight when I got pregnant. At 19 and 5’5 I was 119. For Atleast the last year I have been stuck at 127-133. I just can’t seem to shake of this extra weight and skin and it makes me want to cry everyday. I can look skinny in a shirt but when sitting or bendig over I get the rolls and I can’t stand it.now I’m sure you think that someone who hates their body would workout. Well I don’t so I hope that is my only down fall. I cut out as much sugar as possible (besides sweetener in my coffee every couple days or the occasional treat) and I started speed walking/jogging Atleast 30 minutes a day but no change yet. I tried doing insanity for a week over the summer but it was too insanely (haha) hot in California for such activities if you don’t want to blast the Ac. I am newly engaged to a wonderful man and even though he says he thinks I’m perfect I can’t help but feel even worse about my body because I think he deserves someone with a flat stomach that doesn’t sag when I do anything but stand or lay down :(

WAHMs Advertise Here!

Bonnie (SOAM) Old News 1 Comment

Pretty much ever since SOAM began I wanted to create a space to help as many WAHMs (or WOHMs!) reach as many customers as possible. Other small businesses, too, but, because SOAM is about motherhood, I feel especially endeared to mom-run-businesses. It’s only taken me six and a half years to finally get around to setting this up, but here we are.

If you look to the right, I’ve added a link to a page with information about buying ad space here. Your ad will go in that same sidebar in a new section just above the TIAW graphic. I will be taking ads for the rest of January (discounted!) beginning immediately and through the next few days. I will also be taking ads for February.

You can contact me about advertising at advertising@theshapeofamother.com.

Fit Mommy of Two (Janessa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 12 Comments

I am 27 years old and the proud mother of two sons, ages 1 and 3. They are 19 months apart so my body didn’t have much time to recover before getting pregnant the second time. I have always been into fitness but my weight did fluctuat during my pregnancy. My last pregnancy really stretched the skin on my lower abdomen and I hate my stomach. I obsess over it but I came to the conclusion that my skin is stretched out and no amount of exercise will fix it- I would need a tummy tuck. But then I look at my progress and I am pleased with everything except for the extra skin. I don’t know if it is worth getting a tummy tuck but I am tired of hiding my stomach that I work so hard for under clothes. I can’t wear a bikini because my stomach looks like an old women’s stomach. Am I being too vain? I just want to feel sexy and be sexy for my husband. He adores me and is not concerned with it but I am. I would love to hear some responses from other mothers regarding my situation. Thank you so much in advance.

Sincerely,

Janessa (Fit Mommy of 2)

Just Can’t Get Over It (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 37 Comments

~Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years

I met my husband 6 years ago. We dated for 6 months before he proposed and then got married 6 months later. We then got pregnant just a month after getting married, but sadly ended in a miscarriage. We didn’t give up though, we tried again and got pregnant again 2 months later and we had a beautiful baby girl who is now 4 years old. I love my husband more than words can say and he is the best thing that ever happened to me, but he has a problem that deeply bothers me and I just don’t think he gets it. I discovered he was looking at porn when my daughter was about a year old. I confronted him a couple of times and he flat out lied to my face about it. I let it go for a little while, thinking maybe I was just overreacting and it wasn’t as big of a deal as I was making it out to be. I just couldn’t let it go though. I found myself sneaking into his phone to look at his history and it was filled with pages of porn videos. I confronted him about it again and told him that it bothers me that he would rather look at porn than have sex with his own wife (by that time it WAS affecting our sex life) He told me that he loved me and my body and I needed to believe him when he told me that and said that he would quit watching the porn. That was probably about a year and a half ago and he is STILL watching it even after telling me he wouldn’t. It’s so hard to trust him now. I just wish he could understand how bad it hurts when I find this stuff on his phone. I don’t take compliments well and when he tells me I look good or something I just roll my eyes or something and it frustrates him. It’s VERY hard to believe him when he tells me these things. If I did look as good as he’s saying I do, then why is there a need to go look at porn sites every day?? He could just be saying it to try to make me feel better or because he HAS to say it. I wish I could just get inside his head and know what he’s thinking. Guys always say its normal for them to look at porn…. normal doesn’t make it right, or make it hurt any less. I haven’t confronted him since because I feel as if I’m just wasting energy on it. I think about it daily though and it bothers me so much. The past year I’ve lost a lot of weight I went from 186lb to 148lb and have gotten attention from guys. I would NEVER cheat on my husband but It feels GREAT to hear it from someone that doesn’t HAVE to say it. I love the attention. I still hate my body though and I don’t think I’ll ever learn to love it. I’m trying my hardest though! I just want the porn to go away and have a normal relationship without all the worry and hurt and feel wanted and loved!

Picture is at 148lbs a couple of months ago!

A young girl needs your help to save her life.

Bonnie (SOAM) Activism, Eating Disorder, My Own Ramblings, News 1 Comment

SOAM is here to help us learn how to love ourselves. Our focus here is body image after pregnancy, and we have had many mamas here talk about struggling with eating disorders. We try to learn how to love ourselves not only for ourselves, but so we can be living examples for the next generation. So when I read this story, about a family I know of through my local community of mamas, it hit close to my heart.

We have this chance right now to help one girl survive and, someday, to thrive. But if we can help her to live and to beat this disease, we will have made a difference in the world.

Please, take a moment to read her story and to donate something to help save her life. Do it for your daughters, for yourself, for all women who struggle with eating disorders on any scale.

Hi, my name is Bump and for nine months it’s all about me! (Alinka)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 1 Comment

~Age: 29
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 3 months

Hi, my name is Bump and for 9 months it’s all about me!

I am a mystery (well not for your gynecologist, but still). I am where the miracle of life starts (really that would be my neighbour the
fallopian tube but let’s not get into details now). I am where you’ve all spent 9 months before you came to this world. No wonder I attract so much attention.

In week 13 you still couldn’t see me but I know that I was loved. I was talked to, touched and screened during check-ups. In week 18 I
bounced a little for the very first time – my guest punched faintly against my walls and I knew I brought loads of excitement. That
however was only the warm-up to what then became a regular kick-box training against my walls. That little thing inside sure was a lively one!

In week 23 I still wasn’t attracting any attention and when I went for the ultrasound appointment (I was traveling so the doctor didn’t know me), the nurse was surprised that there was a guest inside me! That’s how big I was.

In week 25 I could still fit into my skinny jeans, as in week 26 (beginning of the third trimester) and week 27. But that was it. Week
28 was when I hit the skinny jeans limit. Still, the shop assistants failed to notice that I had a little guest inside me when I was clothes shopping and nobody ever offered me a seat. But I felt fit and fabulous and the whole body did gain the recommended weight.

Week 30 was the first time a stranger noticed me. I was waiting in line to get a gelato and a little girl whispered to her friend: “look!
There’s a pregnant lady!”. Since then people started noticing.

The whole body gained 11 kg from the beginning to week 29 after which it lost 2kg by week 32! But if you look at the pictures you can see me growing – I was however still the smallest one in my prenatal class.

At the end of week 36 I already started feeling my guest descend. I started feeling my first (painless) contractions in week 37.

I reached 40 weeks and baby girl was still inside! I went into labor on a full moon. The creature I was hosting for 9 months swam out of me clean, beautiful and blissful making me vanish. One week after giving birth the body already lost 7 kg out of the 10 kg it gained during my pregnancy!

After I vanished the brain came up with a book about the whole thing. There are twenty bumps describing their adventures from conception, the great and icky about pregnancy, and the end, which was another beginning. They even named the book after me. It’s called “Bumptabulous”. And it’s a tribute to all bumps and those carrying us.

So Depressed About My Postpartum Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 44 Comments

I got pregnant at 20 years old/ After a string of terrible luck i began working at a bikini bar. I hated every second of it. Hated the way people acted and hated getting judged all day, and treated like a piece of meat. I felt like at the time, i had no choice, the money was good and I had no other way to pay the bills. One night, me and a couple other dancers had gone to the MMA fights. Afterwards we went to one of the fighters houses for the after party. Thats where I met my babys father. He was one of the fighters and it was at his house. i gave him my number and we started hanging out. I eventually moved in with him and we started dating. After being there about 6 months I discovered I was pregnant. This was a huge shock since I had been on birth control and made him use condoms every time, just in case. Well, apparently both failed. I quit the bar when i got pregnant. Things went downhill fast from there. He started using. (or i guess just stopped hiding the fact that he had been all along, he knew I hated any and all drugs and apparently just stopped caring). He would also do other stupid things, like one time leaving me and his 5 year old son home in a blizzard with no heat because he had decided partying all night at the bar was more important than getting propane, so i had to take his son with me to a friends house to stay so he wouldnt freeze. After I found out he was cheating on me I quit trying to make things work. (i hated the idea that my daughter would never know her father, but decided she was better off without someone like that). I moved out, and went back to my parents house. Broke the news to them that I was pregnant, and basically sunk into a depression about how crap my life had turned out. 9 months of feeling awful, sick all the time, anemia, heartburn, etc, I had all the pregnancy problems. Around 3 months I was working again at a Dairy Queen and saving money to buy everything I would be needing. The father texted me maybe twice my entire pregnancy. He couldnt care less what happened to her. Finally at 41w I went into labor. after 23 drug-free hours and a completely natural labor, complete with lots of screaming and crying lol, i delivered my 7lb9oz baby girl.

I did tear so recovery was pretty hard for me. I am now 7 weeks postpartum. I love my daughter but I really miss what could have been/what my life was before. I hate that I didnt actually get to celebrate my 21st birthday or even since then.. I miss going out with friends, even to simple things like movies or dinner. I miss taking a nap because im tired, or falling asleep at night whenever i want and sleeping till im refreshed. I miss having free time, I feel like my freedom is totally over, I have barely lived and lifes over. And i despise my body. I never have had a good face, i guess im wat you would call a butterface. the way i saw it, my body was all i had it better be awesome. While i was dancing i was in the best shape of my life, its an unbelievable workout. But now, my belly is gross and fat with extra skin, my breasts are covered in stretchmarks and look like deflated tube socks ( I think thats the worst part, I could deal with everything else, my belly will tighten more I hope, but my breasts are a lost cause), my butt looks like a tiger grabbed it, and my hips got so big none of my jeans fit anymore. I was 110 when I got pregnant and 135 when I delivered. I am now 112 and nothing fits. Its so depressing, I feel like I am only 21, I do not want to have the body of an old woman. I miss everything about my old life. Even the crappy things. I would never want anything bad to happen to Emma, but I do wish I had had her when I was older, and had gotten to do more before being strapped down for the rest of my life..i know that sounds selfish. I am hoping as time goes on and she starts sleeping through the night and being awake without screaming, and not being attached to my boob 24 hours a day. Which, after 7 weeks of exclusively breast feeding, still hurts. Lactation consultant says shes latching perfect and basically nothings wrong so she cant help. She says “shes just a strong sucker”, so i guess im doomed to pain until I wean her. Anyway, hopefully soon things will smooth out and I wont feel so much like I do now. I just got a new job as a server in a nice restaurant so maybe getting out of the house will be good for me. I know I need the money.

Thanks for reading and for all the inspirational stories and words that you guys post on here. It helps to know Im not alone. I have been reading this site since I got pregnant.

Pictures are
1. pre-baby belly, which I used to complain about back then, now I would kill to have it back…
2. 41 Weeks – this was a couple of days before I went into labor.
3. Pre-pregnancy breasts, terrible picture, but this is the only one I have of them before. They were never big (barely a B, and I used to hate that, but now id do anything to get them back, at least they were perky..
4. Postpartum breasts (nipples are nasty and huge, and boobs are just saggy, deflated, tube sock looking things. I hate them so much. Plus theyre covered in stretch marks, you cant really see them in the pic.) and ruined belly button. So stretched out my navel ring almost falls through, not really sure whats stopping it.
5. When i lift my arms they arent even round they look disgusting.
6. side view
7. my daughter and what I call her “omg” face lol

Age: 21
Number of pregnancies and births: 1 pregnancy, 1 birth
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 7 weeks

A Mother’s Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Previous post here.

21 year old mother of a 1 year old boy

It’s funny what a few months can do to you. I wrote a second entry about my body and the sadness and disappointed that I felt at the fact that I did not lose the weight like everyone had assured me I would, and did not feel confident and sexy as I once did before becoming a mother. 5 months after writing that entry, I’m writing this one.

My son will be turning 1 in just over a week and I’ve realized that I don’t stop and stare at myself after showers, I don’t hide under the covers when my husband and I make love, and I don’t care about changing how I look. I’m finally okay with me, just the way I am.
I was lucky enough to go through such a life change as pregnancy and parenting with someone so accepting and loving. He hasn’t changed a single thing about how he adores and reacts to my body and I can tell he appreciates my body more now for bringing his son into our lives.

I look at my son everyday and wonder how I would have been so sad in the first few months about how I looked, when it was all so worth it. Why was I so focused on something so irrelevant when I had a gorgeous child in front of me, something the doctors said I would never have. I’m not saying accepting the changes of your body is easy, and I perfectly understand that my body could look much different and be much harder to accept, but I think the reason I accepted it was because I stopped judging it. It doesn’t matter how I looked before getting pregnant and when I finally stopped making that comparison I realized that this body I have now may be different, but it’s not unattractive. It’s the body of a mother, and that is a beautiful thing in so many ways.

First photo is just a month before conceiving, in a size 2, Second photo is at 41 weeks pregnant, Third to Sixth photo are of my body as I am now, just a week shy of 1 year postpartum, Seventh photo is the only time I dared to wear a bikini after the birth of my son and the very last photo is my beautiful and healthy little boy, the thing that made it all worth it!

This will be my second and final entry but I will continue to read every submission. I’m so amazed at the strength everyone has just to post the change in their bodies, whether minimal or not. It’s truly played a big part in the acceptance of my body in this journey as a mother! Thank you.

Mom of 7 – It’s Time to Find Me Again (Jennifer)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Four or More Pregnancies, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Twins 10 Comments

I am a mother of 7. I had my first child when I was just 16. His twin sisters followed 22 months later. My next child a beautiful baby girl was born 2 years after the twins. Then we had another girl just shy of 3 years later. When she was 3.5 months old we discovered we were expecting again. After 4 little girls we were thrilled to have another son. He was born 1 year 1 week and 1 day after his sister. Our last child was born 3 years later and she will forever be the baby in our family. I had my tubes tied after this and I still regret it to this day. If I could afford it I would have 20 children. Pregnancy never got to me. I loved every moment of that special time and I often find myself longing for it. Now I am almost 32 years old and it is time to start working on me. All my life I have devoted my time to my children and a full time job. Now it is time for me to find the time I need to get myself to a point in which I am happy with my body. I am so disgusted with my body but after 7 children, 1 set of multiples and 5 c-sections I am not sure what to expect.

I am 32 years old