Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Trying Hard to Love my New Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

Firstly I must say how amazing all the women are who have had the courage to reveal themselves proudly and honestly on this site. Also how much I admire women who are proud of their bodies, stretch marks and all, for bringing their babies into the world.

Before getting pregnant I had already started putting on weight heading towards my 30th birthday and had started going to the gym. After just four weeks of this regime I found out I was pregnant. Like many women, in the beginning I didn’t put on that much weight or have stretch marks, it all happened within the space of a week and it was absolutely crushing after trying so hard to be healthy. I was crestfallen, along with swollen ankles, pregnancy to me was not a ripe, luscious time, and I felt huge and ungainly. I wanted to feel that earth mother beauty, but I just felt awkward and huge.

It is a given that I would have done all this again to have my son with me, but it doesn’t take away the shame I feel towards my body and my resentment that it hasn’t bounced back the way I had hoped. I can’t wear the fashion that I want, and must cover my belly with daggy, loose clothes. Shopping has become a downer. It is something I think of everyday. The sleep deprivation that comes with having babies makes anyone feel weak. Things like a poor self-image get blown out of proportion, that’s what makes the post-partum period so hard. Add to this a hard birth and you’ve got the agony and ecstasy of birth/babies all rolled into one.

From the beginning of pregnancy, to now 4.5 months afterwards, I have felt the most unsexiest I have ever felt in my life (now about a year). I have struggled to remain positive about myself and to just bask in the glow of the birth of my absolutely divine boy. It hasn’t come easy and some days I feel like my self-esteem is the lowest it has ever been. My wonderfully supportive partner urges me to have nights off and go out with my friends once in a while, but truly I am embarrassed to go to out to see some music or out in public because I feel so self-conscious and awkward about my body and imagine acquaintances will talk about how much I have let myself go and finding clothes to wear is a drag. Added to this is the fact that almost all my friends who have had children look smaller then they did when before they gave birth. Sometimes nature is fickle and cruel. That breastfeeding helps you lose the pounds is one of the greatest myths of all; for many yes; but I don’t think it has really helped me, apart from being an amazing bonding experience with my son and giving me a ravenous appetite.

This site has been such a help for me, to realize the dignity and power of the female body in giving and nourishing life. Each day I try to remember this, but often I fall prey to the imagery surrounding me everyday. Hollywood has a lot to answer to with its applause of women who starve and exercise themselves straight after giving birth to attain that perfect post-pregnant body.

Just to end this, the one thing however I do love is the soft feel of my belly and its stretch marks, it fascinates me everyday, even if it may appear grotesque to mainstream society, I do see them as life’s natural tattoos.

Age: 30
Number of pregnancies/births: One.
Age of Child: 5 months, 5 months postpartum

Starving to Blooming (Eve)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions 20 Comments

Having spent the last 14 years suffering from Anorexia Nervosa before becoming pregnant I worried about how my changing body may bring back the thoughts, feelings and negativity I had experienced for so long. I had only been in recovery for a number of months before getting pregnant I didn’t feel I was prepared for either getting “bigger” and especially for how my body would look post-pregnancy. I have to say I have been happily surprised by my own reaction. I loved being pregnant, took to it like a duck to water. I enjoyed my ever blossoming bump and showed it off to the max. My worries stuck about how I would feel post-pregnancy. Here I am, 3 weeks after giving birth to my beautiful daughter and feeling (and looking!) fabulous! Yes, I have lumps, bumps, wobblies and stretch marks but I look better than I have in years. Going from 105lbs to 150lbs during my pregnancy has done something, has changed me. I can now appreciate my womanly figure, my curves!! My daughter has done more for me than just making me a mother, but also helping me see the beauty in my own skin.

~Age: 27
~Number of pregnancies and births: 1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: daughter, 3 weeks

When a Child Dies

Bonnie (SOAM) Activism, Child Loss, Link, News 11 Comments

I lived in a sweetly ignorant world before I opened this website – I never knew of a person who had lost a baby. Not here in the US! Not in this day and age of good medical care and awareness of baby safety! I knew it happened, but it was rare – so rare.

And then, shortly after this site opened, a mother wrote a post here about having lost her son and it punched me right in the heart. But she was not the only one, many mothers have since written here about the same thing.

That same summer, a friend of mine was at the birth of her goddaughter when that beautiful little girl did not make it – and there was no known reason for it. I listened to my friend as she tried to make sense of this, as she went through the grieving process, the legal process – the fears during her friend’s next pregnancy, and the joyful outcome of a healthy baby at the end.

This website is here for us mothers to help us deal with our body issues, but as I have learned here, mamas need an outlet to grieve as well. This week, a friend pointed me to a beautiful website for parents to blog along the road to healing. I would like to know of other websites as well to keep them here as a resource for parents who need them. If you know of any that have helped you, please leave them in a comment here.

This past week, two babies in the blogging community have died. Maddie and Thalon. You can read more and find links at this BlogHer Post. If you think you can help, please do. If you cannot afford to help monetarily, even just a comment or a moment of silence, I believe, would do the world some good.

The Loss of my Son and Daughter (Keisha)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, No Photos (Story Only), Poetry, Submissions, Third Pregnancy

Becoming a mother is one of the best feelings in the world to experience. You can’t believe to be bringing someone very special in this world, and they be a part of you. My son Demetrius was born January 14 2000, 8 lbs 1 oz. A big and healthy baby. I did everything I knew to do in making sure my baby would be healty, but sometimes there are things beyond your control no matter how hard you try. My son died on Feburary 15, 2000 at the hospital. I was devestated and hurt to the core of my bones because how could this happen. What was wrong with my son that he would leave me so soon. But things happened for a reason and at that time I didn’t know or cared what that reason was. All I knew was that my sweet baby boy was no longer with me. The death of my son even traumatized my oldest son because he was close with his brother even though it was a short time that Demetrius spent on this earth. As time went I was depressed a lot and so was my son. Three years had past and I was pregnant again. This time I was making sure that everything I did was good for my baby. The only thing was I kept thinking back what if the same thing that happened to my son would happen once more, but after getting a lot of advice and counseling from friends and family and professionals, they said lighting would not strike twice in the same spot. I wanted so bad to beleive that. I started beleive what everyone said and I let my guard down. My due date was approaching, then my due date was here, I was in labor for 5 days straight. All the contractions and the pain was hurting me, but I was excited that I was getting ready to bring my daughter home. I had a doctors appointment and then the doctor checked me, I was scared when she told me that she couldn’t find the heart beat and when she did it was a sing of relief. She said by 8 pm that night you would be in full labor. I went home and five hours later, it was time to go to the hospital. I was excited because the time was getting closer to bring home my baby, but it didn’t happened that way. When I got to the hospital and was checked out by the nurse they couldn’t find a heart beat, I told them that I went to the doctor’s earlier and they had a hard time finding the heartbeat. The nurses told me something that I didn’t want to hear. They said to me that I’m sorry that there isn’t a heartbeat, that my baby had died. Screaming, criying, yelling and heartbroken I was once again devestated by the news of my daughter that was supposed to be born on June 11, 2003. After having to push my daughter out, the doctors and everyone else saw what the problem was. The umblical chord was wrapped around my daughters neck. Once againg my son and I was heartbroken because we weren’t able to have no time with either son or daughter. Here is a poem that I wrote for both of my children, writing this poem got me through that awful time. The poem is attached to the email.

My Beautiful Angels

God chose me to have his angels
In my eyes that’s what I see
God chose me to have his angels
To my surprise because I had three
God chose me to have his angels
Because I was told that I could have none
God chose me to have his angel
But he took two and I kept one
Because my Angel baby what a gift from GOD
So innocent good and sweet
I think about you every night and day
Tears come down I weep
Knowing that I must be special
To get this gift from God
With the time we shared
On this earth
Giving you back was hard
My special baby
I love

Jill from Yoga Baby TV

Bonnie (SOAM) Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 1 Comment

Hi! Just wanted to say what a great site and you are welcome to use the below pics if you wish. The first is of me during my first pregnancy in 2005 and the second of me was taken in 2007, just 6 months after the birth of my 2nd child.

My name is Jill Forrest and I host Yoga Baby TV – a webshow for new mothers to learn how to practice yoga safely both for themselves and with their young ones. We make the show for free on no budget just because we love doing it! I used to battle with weight and have always disliked aerobic exercise, it hurt my body and made me feel terrible! I discovered yoga and learnt that I didn’t have to be a spiritual oddball to take it seriously! I am a down to earth normal person and would like to share my story of how I got my body the way I like it – which doesn’t mean skinny by the way!

When I was 25 I turned vegetarian for ethical reasons. This did not help my weight as I lived on cheese! Yoga has always kept me flexible as I have been doing it on and off since age 15 but I always had a tummy and love handles! My usual weight was around 11-12 stone. When I was pregnant with my son in 2006-2007 I heard a podcast about the dairy industry and began to understand what cows go through eg regularly made pregnant, their calves taken away after 24 hours of nursing to get rid of the premilk the industry don’t want, how they bond and are distressed at having their babies taken away, how may get mastitis and don’t get treatment for it etc and it was too close to home as I was due to start nursing a new baby! So I turned vegan. Not only did I feel better in my mind for doing so, within weeks I noticed my cellulite disappearing, I had excema for years and that went too. After I had Miller in March 2007 I couldn’t eat enough and yes vegans do eat things that are fattening too! I lost the pregnancy weight in around 6 weeks and after another 3 months had come down another 2 dress sizes. I eat well, I feel great and I kept up the yoga all the way, even though I was on crutches during the last 6 weeks of the last pregnancy due to pelvic and hip trouble, which sorted itself out with some gentle yoga practice soon after the birth.

I have a few stretch marks and my tummy will never be flat but it is toned again. I worked on a new style of yoga called figure yoga, designed to get your body the way you like it, without beig over the top into exercise and diet and I now run a programme at www.figureyoga.com. I think the important thing is acceptance of your body in its natural state. You do not need to be thin but being flexible and healthy is so important to how you feel about life.

I hope this inspires some people to try yoga, or veganism, or both! You can get the yoga baby web tv show free through itunes and I am always happy to talk! jill@yogababy.tv.

He is Here! (Mary)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 19 Comments

Previous entries here and here.

Age: 22
Births: 2, vaginal deliveries
Kids: 2 year old girl, 2 week old boy

Hi, this is my third posting and I love this website! Since my last posting my son arrived. The birth was amazing, 10 hours, with my husband, mom, and sister present. He was 7lbs 3oz and 19.75in. I went into labor on my due date, and he arrived the next morning.

My body had changed so much when I had my daughter that I didnt really care what it would look like after I had my son, I gained about 30lbs from the day we found out I was pregnant (most in the second trimester) (which put me 40lbs away from my goal weight), and still got some new stretchmarks on my belly, I was just meant to have them I guess! I exersized and ate right through most of my pregnancy, even loosing a few pounds in my last week due to lots of walking to try to go into labor! I started working out 1 week pp, and plan to keep pushing as long as my body will hold up!

I am going to start saving for a tummy tuck because we are done having kids and I really want to regain my old body, its not that I want to look like someone else, or that I have unrealistic views of how I should look, but I really try to take care of myself and there is nothing I can do to loose the extra skin and stretch marks. I know this web site is about support and acceptance of how having children may change you but this is something I need to do for me, and I feel like it is more than just physical acceptance. I really appreciate all the support I have gotten from the amazing women that post here, and I will continue to update my changes and give my support to others.

Attached are some photos, the first is me hours before going into labor, then my little man, and then me 2 weeks pp.

Need Support (MotherofanAngel)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

Hello! I am a first time mom in need of some support while I am on my journey back to feeling good about my body again. My pre-pregnancy weight was between 130-135 (I’m 5’5). I got up to about 205lbs, gaining 70-75lbs at the end of the pregnancy. I am now 5 months PP and weigh about 160lb. Listening to other mothers has been helping me stay positive about my body. I am so grateful to have my beautiful, healthy little girl and cannot complain about my blessed life. I just want to be a healthy active mom and thought this would be a great place to keep me motivated and track my progress!!! Isn’t motherhood the best? Thanks!!!!

~Your Age: 33
~Number of pregnancies and births:First pregnancy
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5months PP

I Want to See it as Beautiful (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, Eating Disorder, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Update 23 Comments

Prior to pregnancy I suffered an eating disorder that led me to live with an unhealthy weight of around 105 and lower. I am 5’5. Just prior to pregnancy I had gained enough to get my period back and sure enough, here I am today. I knew that I had to gain a “normal persons weight” as well as pregnancy weight in order to be healthy and…so I did. Obvsiously this took a drastic tole on my body and shape during the process. I went from about 105 to 208 on the day of my sons birth. My tiny perky boobs turned into tiny sagging breasts which was devastating for me and my body concious self. My flat stomach turned into dough and no matter how often during these past three years I have worked out , it just wont changed and for me, it has been three years not months. I have tried everything. Because I am open to plastic surgery I will be having a tummy tuck in the future after another child. Thankfully, I am with someone that I truly love who loves my body that I have not fully shown him. I understand where all of you are coming from and it is so sad. I am actually even more sad to see there are so many of us feeling this way although it is inspiration at the same time. I feel horribly about my body but it is odd that when I look at all of you I see so much beauty in what all of you find ugly. I see your bodies as a story, well travelled, beautiful process. I just do not see myself in that light. It feels devastating.

I am trying to work on embracing my body but I know that it will take time.
I hope that we can all learn to appreciate the beauty that we have in ourselves and stop looking at the outside.

My partner says that he does not mind the marks and extra skin that I worry about and I try to believe him. He is so genuine when he says it though. I am working on trusting that. He says that he fell in love with me after I had my child and this body so why would be ever judge it now. Most importantly what I think we all need to know is. When a man who loves you looks at you, he DOES feel the same way we feel when we look at them without judgement. He said, “When I look at you I see you as a whole, one person, the person that I love. I dont look at you in portins and pieces that are separate. You are just you, as a whole and I love that”

Hopefully this helps :) I am trying myself….Good luck to all of you beautiful women.

~22 Year old Mom of a 3 year old

Updated here.

10 Months PP with #1 (Lindsay)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 4 Comments

My Age: 22
# of Pregnancies- 2
# of Birth- 1
10 Months PP

When I was 16 I went onto birth control pills. By the time I was 19 I decided to get off them. After this, my period was never the same. It was so sporadic that my Doctor told me it would be hard for me to conceive. My fiance and I decided to stop using protection and went with “if it happens it happens”. Fast forward 13 months, I became pregnant. Unfortunately, I lost the pregnancy very early on. The Doctors called it a chemical pregnancy. Basically, if I didn’t take the test so early, I would have never known I was pregnant I would have just thought it was a period. I was pretty depressed about it and my fiance knew it. Right after that I decided I would take care of my body a little better and I started working out and eating healthy. I went from 150lbs to 130 lbs in just 2 months (I am only 5’4″ so 150 was a lot for me). I stopped loosing weight because I missed my period that month and I became pregnant! I started at 130lbs and ended up at 160lbs when I delivered. My son decided to come early at 34 weeks. I just randomly started having contractions. I had an all natural med free birth and it was amazing! I never really understood my body until that day. My son was born at 4lbs 4.5oz and 17″ long. He was fully mature and did not even go to the NICU. I am now at 142lbs and 10 months PP. My belly is very much looser but I am hoping it will go away once I start working out again. I am just lucky that I did not get one stretch mark. The pictures where I am wearing the red underwear with hearts is me today at 10 months PP. The one of my pregnant belly is when I was 33 weeks, 1 week before I delivered (everyone says it is a tiny belly but hey I gained 30lbs for that!), and the last picture is of my son Roscoe about 12 hours old.