Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Trying to accept the unexpected.. Again (Ish)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Piercing, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 8 Comments

Well I will try and keep this as succinct as possible though I do tend to ramble once I get going.

In January 2009 I found out I was pregnant, unplanned and completely unexpected as I was on the contraceptive pill. I was 20, had been with my boyfriend a year (he already has a gorgeous little girl from a previous relationship, now aged 2 years and 6 months) and I had just been accepted to begin a university course in September 2009. Quite obviously I wasn’t ready to be a mum but at the same time I had always said even though I am one hundred percent pro choice that I don’t think I would ever be able to go ahead with a termination no matter what my situation was. To cut the story short, it turns out you can never say never and I did end up having an abortion at 9 weeks pregnant. I will still never be sure if I made the right decision but I am trying day by day not to dwell on that because there is no point stressing on things that can’t be undone. It took me a while to realise this however and about 6 months after the termination (June 2009ish) me and my boyfriend split up. This was mainly because the shame and the guilt that I felt and was keeping to myself was just constantly on the edge and I was pretty much a mess and a complete bitch to be with. I told him I felt like I was the only one that was hurting from all of this, and he didn’t support me and blahblahblah but really I just wasn’t letting him in and I was too wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn’t see his.

Fast forward to September 2009 and we’re back together, thank god, because I realised what a good thing I was messing up and well, we love each other and that’s really all that seems to matter. Fast forward again to January 2010 and tada! I’m pregnant unexpectedly again (this time on the Depo injection). I cried, I’m sure he cried and we both thought about nothing else for a good 2 weeks straight before deciding that this had happened through all the odds, a second time around, and it must be for a reason.

I am now 22 years old and 24 weeks pregnant with the most lively little boy growing inside me and I am absolutely terrified but so excited to meet him. My relationship with my boyfriend is the best it has ever been but I do find myself at least (!!!) once daily irrationally imagining that he is going to up and leave me as soon as the tiniest flea sized stretch mark appears on me. I am 5’1, very petite but with 32dd boobs (which are already up to an E cup, nooo!) and I’ve gone from 105lbs to 123lbs, so not a massive amount but being so tiny I just dont know how much my body is going to be able to handle! I have never liked my body, even though I have no reason, but various events (including the termination) have killed my self esteem and I am really really really trying to not stress and to just enjoy being pregnant because so far I am amazed and already completely in love with this little man that I haven’t met yet. This site and all your stories have made me realise that women are fabulous – look at what we do! – and I hope one day I can be half as inspiring to someone as you all have been to me.

Pictures are literally as of today, officially 24 weeks.

~Your Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 0 births yet!

Baby Mama (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Child Loss, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 4 Comments

Age 23
2 1/2 Years and 6 months postpartum
3 pregnancies 2 births

I’ve always struggled with body issues and would sometimes get depressed and sick about it because I wanted to be the “best”. I was always thin and had a nice body even if it wasn’t “perfect”. I always looked forward to pregnancy and was so excited when I got pregnant, and I thought I had a realistic idea of what would happen to my body. I was expecting stretchmarks on my belly and breasts but in the end was covered boobs to calves, even a little on my arms. I didn’t think I was naïve about what would happen after baby, I knew it would take time and I would never be the same. I was pretty shocked when a year after baby while trying to be somewhat healthy I didn’t seem to lose a single pound. My next pregnancy was much easier and seemed more natural for my body.
Before getting pregnant I weighed 133 (had already gained weight) then I had a miscarriage which was early on but I could still feel some weight gain already and gained afterwards probably from being depressed. I’m not sure how much I weighed when I got pregnant or in the end but I stayed at about 170 or more. When I got pregnant again I weighed 155 and didn’t gain anything in the beginning and by the end only gained 15-20 lbs. I lost all the pregnancy weight by 2 days after the birth plus 5 lbs not long after. But now I’m stuck! My goal is 133.
Thank you so much Bonnie for this site, all you women are so beautiful!
In the one picture “mama nature” that’s a tree on my belly with the apples (of my eye). Its hard to see in this picture.

You don’t realize what you have, until it’s gone.. so old but so true (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Back, Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 12 Comments

Age : 21
Number of Pregnancies : 1
Births : 1
Time Since giving birth : almost 11 months

I have been with my husband for over four years now. I got pregnant while we were still dating in 2009 when I was 20, and we got married shortly me after giving birth. Before I got pregnant, I was about 135lbs. I was 115-118 in high school but since graduation in 2006, I had slowly been putting on the pounds. So before I was even pregnant I needed to lose about 15 lbs. I had an awesome pregnancy. No issues besides having gestational diabetes. My son was 3 weeks early and weighed 6lbs 14oz, just shy of 7lbs. Not bad for a 3 week early baby.

Now I love my son more than I could ever describe in words or actions, but I do wish we would have waitied to have kids. Only for selfish reasons though. I didnt like my body before I was pregnant and now I hate it even more and would do anything to have my pre-preg. body back. I had such a smooth stomach. I just wish I would have appreciated my body more when I was skinnier and stretch-mark-less.

Anyways, I gained about 30lbs during my pregnancy. I got up to about 168lbs. Since having my son, I dropped 20 lbs easy, within the first 2-3 weeks. I have not been able to lose the extra 15lbs on top of that, PLUS the 15lbs i wanted to lose before I got pregnant. I have been stuck at 148 for the past 10 months…. Recently I got serious about dieting and exercising so i dropped about 8 lbs. Im now 140. 20 more lbs to go for my goal weight. It’s hard to do right now because I am still nursing and I have to eat to maintain my milk supply. I am one of the unlucky ones who hasn’t lost weight while breastfeeding, if anything, Ive gained here and there.

So I’m at 140 and counting. I got stretch marks everywhere you can imagine. boobs, belly, butt, thighs, back… ugh. You name it. I hate them. BUT I wouldnt change it for the world if it meant i didnt have my son. I want to be back at my pre-preg weight soo bad. I am trying and I will update with pics as I continue to lose weight (fingers crossed). Also, my boobs are huge. went from a small 34C to a 38DD… slowly getting back into a D. but I def. have saggy boobies for sure. I am just thick all over. I want to lose my love handles and my back fat and my leg fat. just an all over trim pretty much. 20 more lbs to go.

First pic is about a year before I got pregnant. So I was smaller in this pic than i was when I got pregnant.
Other pics are different views of me at 140lbs 10.5months post baby.

7 weeks postpartum…7 pounds to go (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

23 years old, first birth and first pregnancy
baby is now 7 weeks old

When I first found out I was pregnant I never thought of the impact a pregnancy could have on my body. I just could not imagine that I would have stretch marks and spider veins at my age…my mom has those not me! Well now I know that the reason why she has those is exactly because she is a mom. Well being a mom did change my body, I gained almost 40 pounds during my pregnancy, got a few stretch marks on my hips and spider veins on my legs.

Throughout my pregnancy I did not consider having a c-section, baby was head down, average size, nothing let me to consider that option but baby had other plans and I ended up having an emergency c-section. I didn’t want to have one really, I had been told that losing weight was harder after a c-section and so was the recovery but when the time came I just wanted my baby out.

I was very lucky and lost most of my weight very quickly and had a fairly fast recovery without any complications.

Not considering that my body might be changed forever during my pregnancy left me pretty shocked after the birth of my son when I first looked in the mirror. My breasts are unrecognizable and so is my belly. I only have 7 pounds left to be back to my pre baby weight but my clothes are 2 sizes bigger. I now have the body of a mother and I must learn to live with it.

NOW I must start working hard to get my body back to an attractive state (attractive to ME not to my husband). I don’t know how much work it will take but I am willing to work hard.

Updated here.

Size 16 Mom of 2 (Jen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Back, Belly, Cesarean, Hypoplasia, Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT), Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, VBAC 17 Comments

~Your Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 2 births
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 8 months pp
~Any key words (second pregnancy, plus sized mom, cesarean, etc): cesarean, VBAC, plus sized, second pregnancy, Hypoplasia, IGT

I have 2 children. They are 19 months apart. The youngest is 8.5 months old in these pictures. I started this pregnancy at 206lbs and now weigh 203lbs. I gained 26.5lbs but lost most of it within 3months. My body however, is not looking the same even though I am lighter now than I was when I got pregnant. I look bigger still even though the scale says I am smaller. I had a c/section with my oldest for “failure to progress” since I didnt know any better at the time. I had a successful VBAC (vaginal birth after c/section) with my youngest…which took a HUGE weight off my chest. My body WAS capable of doing it! I wasnt “broken”!

I currently weigh 203lbs and am a size 16. I started working out 3.5 months ago and was a size 18 and 210lbs. I run 3.5-4 miles at a time, 4-5 days a week and do strength training 4-5 days a week as well. My calorie limit is 1700 a day. It is so frustrating to be doing all this and STILL look like I do. I hate the way I look. I hate the fat overhang that I have. I hate the back fat. I hate the fact that from the side, my boobs and belly fall in one straight line.

I was always active and thin…then I gained a bunch of weight during a stressful time in my life…got pregnant before losing any of it and then got pregnant again when my oldest was only 10 months. I refuse to be in pictures anymore. I just want to cry when I see them, so whats the point?

I hate the way I look. and I hate my stupid, deformed breasts. Not only at they ugly and small, but they dont even work! I am not breast feeding due to Insufficient Glandular Tissue (IGT – tubular hypoplastic breasts – I only produce about 8oz of milk a day MAX even with all the supplements, prescriptions, pumping, nursing round the clock, etc..). I will never have breasts that dont look deformed…I used to console myself with the fact that they serve a purpose and as long as they can feed your children then who cares what they look like….but I cant even feed my babies!

The first picture is me 3 months pp from my first. The second picture is me at 38 weeks with my second (delivered at 41w5d). The rest were taken at 8.5 months pp from my second.

My Story With Lily – Update (Marissa)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 3 Comments

Original entry here.

I have lost 76 pounds, 10 more to go. im right now a 140 lbs, but the new pics are when i was a 144 lbs. I have finally started my period and the weight is coming off quickly. Plus, i eat right and jog. so its been helping alot. i hope i end up in my pre pregnancy weight of 130 by summer. I hate my stretch marks still, they attacked everywhere and i see they only faded, but are still highly noticable. Also, i lost alot ofhel weight in my breast and thats bumming me out, i hate for them to sag. But im slowly loving my body, its difficult but im accepting it. I just want to feel sexy again i suppose. But the pictures of me in the red underwear was from about 4 months ago, and the one with the white/pinkish was taken about a a couple of weeks ago. Im still hoping to drop these last ten pounds! but i guess im fooling myself, in my mind i think that if i lose the last pounds, my stretch marks will disappear, my boobs would perk up and my flab will be flat again. but i just want to feel good in my own skin again. Im not sucking in with either picture. but thank you for reading! I love this supporting site. =]

From “Pro-Ana” to Post-Partum (Annie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Eating Disorder, Postpartum, Submissions 26 Comments

Pregnancies-2 Births-2
14 months postpartum
25 yearsold
Daughter 3 years old Son 14 months

I went from worshiping this

042710-annie-1

to this

042710-annie-2

I suffered… uh.. have been suffering…well.. am struggeling against having.. ugh.. I HAVE an eating disorder. Kinda like … once and Alcoholic always an alcoholic… if im not very carefull I trip and fall flat on my face. Anorexia and bulima have been a contant companion, violent relentless enemy, savior and murderer to me for 12 years now. It began quietly… at first then before I knew it took over my whole life, my mind, my heart and my soul. It took me out and threw me in the trash and filled every part of my ever diminishing life oozing, and destroying, slowly killing me. I ended up at 19 in and out of the ER untill 20 when I was interventioned into treatment after 6 months and a whole whirlwind of drama i left treatment, I got married suddenly to an old friend from high school and with in 3 months we were pregnant. We… rather… I wanted to get pregnant. I wanted nothing more in life then to have a whole family, something that was truely mine. I wasnt ready … I didnt like the out of control feeling I had when my then pretty thin and in-shape body started to morph and change. With morning sickness so intense I had my very own room at the OB office for daily IV fluids. Morning sickness gave way back in to purging… back in to bulimia. Through the whole pregnancy I was bulimic. I was intensly asshamed and hated that I was hurting my baby but I had lost my self then. at 38 weeks they induced labor because of pre-eclampsia and 48 hours later my perfect daughter was born. She has some respritory complications but they were caused by a medication they gave me during labor to keep my blood presure down, not because of anything I had done. Praise God that she was okay. After a short stent in the NICU she came home healthy and happy and hasnt looked back since. I however was not happy. I loved my child Loved her soooo much! but I HATED my body. within a few months I gave way back to bulimia after troubles breast feeding and having to pump constantly I felt like a cow.. I felt like I looked like a cow and I couldnt stand it. At 9 months PP I ended up in treatment again at Remuda Ranch envying the girls with feeding tubes.. a few months later we got pregnant again with my son. This time I switched from Bulimia to Anorexia and 1 month into the pregnancy my husband deployed to iraq leaving me sick with morning sickness again and a VERY srong willed 1 yearold. needless to say things didnt go well. I lost 14 pounds before I gained anything…. 3 months later my husband was “Red Crossed” home because I was starving myself and my unborn son to death. I entered treatment again at a place in Florida and finally gained weight. I was 6 months pregnant and you could barely tell. One month after I left Florida I gave birth prematurely to a 6 pound baby boy. In contrast to the first delivery I had this one went smoothly and calmly and My Son had no complications even being a month premautre. He was tiny though and still is to this day.
Things have been different this time around. I dont have as much time to worry about my body I fall in and out of eating disordered behaviors but not quite with ther ferocity that I once had. I still hate my body. I really hate it.. And I hate the weight to height chart ratio things.. acording to it Im overweight… first time in my life! I had to stop playing Wii fit cause it was killing me inside to hear it tell me everyday.. “thats over weight!” ugh.
I know what my eyes see in the mirror isnt what everyone else sees but it’s still tormenting. I went from Unmarried and (sadly) pro Ana ( which is a “cultish” internet community that encourages eating disorders as a “way of life” instead of something that is life threatening and DISORDERED… ) to a married mom of two small children.
Beyond the body and eating issues I love my children and Im begining to love my life more and more everyday. After my son was born I had my tubes tied so that I couldnt have another pregnancy and put another precious life at risk. But.. in my heart I feel like there is a third child waiting to be born. And In time I pray that My loving and forgivning God in heaven will change me and prepare me to receive that child is it is his will one day. Hopefully in a healthy and natural way. My children keep my mind and my heart busy and as long as I am walking with God he keeps my soul busy too. And thus there should be no time for eating disorders… only passing glances in the mirror and a few tormenting moments thinking about summer seasons and bathing suits and what not.. but then a loving sweet voice calls out.. ” Momma… I need help… Momma.. read book… ” and I am called back to reality.. where it really doesnt matter what my body looks like.. Who cares! I am healthy… and my children are healthy ( thank God) and my husband who has weathered my “whole storm” has percivered and still loves me just the way I am, strech marks, sagging, wider hips and all.
One day… maybe I can feel the same way too, but for now.. I focus on what I do like. Like.. Im a kick butt mom! and I do a pretty good job at keeping the house clean, among MANY other things.. oh.. and I like my hair… lol…see it’s not all bad.
For the moms out there struggeling.. The thing I find the most helpful is to surround myself with strong women who arent ashamed of their bodies.. not that they love them or think they are prefect… but.. we are moms.. we have much to be proud of. I feel so inspired when I see a mom at the pool that isnt prefect but isnt hiding it.. CONFIDENCE>>> that’s attractive. no matter what you look like… yep.
Well that is all Im gonna give, too much to little… who knows. but thats the story of my body. Hope it helps someone!

I’m done doing nothing when I could work at being at my best! (vsmama)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 6 Comments

Hi! I am a 27 year old mother to a beautiful 2.5 year old boy! I’ve been with my husband since I was 19
and we only found out we were pregnant 2 months short of me turning 25. I never had to exercise and always wore ‘sexy’ but classy outfits. I was about 144 lbs and 5’4″wearing a size 5-6. I was very active and loved my midsection, always showing my midriff!! lol Then when I got pregnant I was very happy and had a fairly smooth pregnancy. I didn’t start having stretch marks till about my 8th month along and reached 198 lbs at the day of my inducement, giving birth to a 8lb 11oz 21inches baby boy :)

I dropped to about 160 not long after delivery and was still able to fit into all my pre-preg clothes with exception to the baby pooch. The combination of the labor (24 hours and 30 min push!!) and having such a big pregnancy belly, I still up to this day am suffering from back pain (I’m unable to bathe my son so daddy has to do it) and pains on the left side of my body. I would wear out pretty quickly and with on demand breastfeeding I was way too exhausted to even bother with working out. Not too long after I put on excess weight which just exacerbated my body pains. I pretty much just gave up on myself.

I still don’t know how much I weight because I can’t bear to…I don’t even go shopping like I used to…I’ve resorted to sweat pants and hoodies to cover the bulges and my bigger thighs. Then one night I just was sick of feeling stuck in this body so I then found this site after trying to search for other women who were in my situation. I’ve read almost all the stories on this site and have found such renewed respect for my body. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that my body made my beautiful son but I think I needed more motivation to RESTORE my body to its best:) I am so inspired by everyone on this site and have soo much respect for each one of your bravery and confidence. I truly believe you all are beautiful!!! I have started just recently exercising and am feeling great about myself!! I’m not where I want to be yet but I’m
confident I will be! Because of all the photos on this site, I have showed my husband finally in 2.5 years my body!! Just today!!!

That’s such a big step for me because I don’t even like to look at it myself..I just feel that with this site I have that support even with just you all sharing your stories. So thank you!!! I haven’t the courage YET to weigh myself but I will update my photos again as I progress further towards my goal:)

First photo is before pregnancy w/ the flat tummy
Second photo is a month pp still small legs but w baby pooch
Third photo is my weight gain..(keep in mind I was wearing a ‘slimming’ suit lol my weight continued to climb so I stopped taking photos after this)
Fourth photo Sept 09 2 yrs 4 months pp
Fifth photo December 2 yrs 6 month pp
sixth and seventh Feb 19 2010
eigth photo as of today March 2010
I’m excited for the changes to be seen with my new motivation to be fit but either way I have started to really love my body now mentally and emotionally so that’s helping a lot to keep me going :)

Age: 27
1 pregnancy 1 birth
2 and 1/2 years postpartum

Updated here and here.

Living For So Much (Natalia)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 15 Comments

Age: 20
Pregnancies/births: 3 pregnancies/ 1 birth
Number of children: 1 son, Ronin, age 2

I found out I was pregnant when I was 17, which truly caught me by suprise. I know I wasn’t on birth control, but we used a condom every time. Could it be possible I was the 1% that the condom didn’t work for?? Lame right? Well to be honest, part of me was really excited to have a baby! I know I was young, but my heart and my mind said this was right. After making it through a kidney infection 10 weeks in, everything went smoothly and I was getting closer to my home water birth. During that time, I got stretch marks in ungodly places…places I thought to myself “you can really get them THERE??”. My breast size…went from a 32A to a 34DD. Crazy right? I actually got some tiger stripes on the back of my calves too! But the exstacy I felt when I was able to hold my son right after birth….washed away all those thoughts of my changing body. He diminished all my innercomplaints of the ever expanding butt and feet I thought of. He is 2 now, and I have to say, trying to bounce back was hard, and I’m not even fully where I dream of being. But quite frankly, I don’t give a darn. I say hurrah for mothers! Hurrah for tiger stripes! Together we stand, an army of life! The flabby skin, the not so tight areas…the dark nipples and sagging boobs…the dimpled buttcheeks and wider hips. This all just proclaims that we, yes we, have used what god gave us! I’m ready for more and more children. I know what lays ahead for my body, but that is the least of my concerns. I congradulate all mothers on this site. And I wish everyone the best of luck and love. Keep on skipping along mommies, and know that you have an army of us with you :-) Peace out

pic#1…..7 months preggo
pic#2…..3 weeks postpartum
pic#3……now
pic#4……now
pic#5……now

Updated here.

My 4th belly!! (Iraiosc)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, Diastasis Recti, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Update 10 Comments

Hi again!! I wrote here twice before, you can see here and here.

I need to explain my feelings about what i’ve just did.

I’ve finally repaired my hernia and diastasis only 20 days ago!!
Family are contradicted, they wanted of course I get well quikly (sorry my mistakes please :) ) but I know they think about myself i’m egoist… dr. said that once you got repaired you can’t got more babies, so dangerous for myself… is our decission at least we think! A bit hard to still strong before with my strange belly and now with my new one…

Medically speaking I want to explain that everything seems to be ok for the moment, i feel a lot the mesh they put for the hernia and dr. says it’s normal the first months. The operation was sooo hard for me (3-4 hours: closing the abdomen, puting the mesh, repairing the skin and putting navel at correct place), but the recuperation for me wents a lot better than caesarean recuperation!!

But I still being a mother, a woman, a friend… doesn’t matter how i am if i feel good with myself, don’t you think? I needed this surgery! i hated to see my stomach moving (like baby movements on belly!!) when i have diastasis…

I loved the web, the people here write, and everyone comments: they are so lovely and respect everyone. Thank you for all i still recommend your web to new mummys than need this and everyone! Wish you all the best!! Kisses (besos!)

PD Now you can see my 4 bellys: 1.before being pregnant, 2.during pregnancy, 3.after baby and 4.after repair…
This time my pics show how i forget everything last summer and weared bikini and, of course, pics of repair, i still having adhesive tape on the scar.

~Age:
Now 28, i got baby at 26
~Number of pregnancies and births:
1 son of just 2 years old