Author: Bonnie (SOAM)

Do I have Postpartum depression? (Autumn W)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Question, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 25 Comments

Age- 30
Number of Pregnancies – 2
Number of Births- 2
Daughters- 8 years and 2 months

I have always been told that if you have postpartum depression, you feel resentment towards your baby but I do not resent my baby in any way what-so-ever! I love and adore her but I hate myself!
After the birth of my first daughter I immediately lost weight and I didn’t have any of the thoughts or feelings I am experiencing this time. I cant stand to see myself in the mirror and I feel like no one understands. I wake up every morning and cry and I’ve tried to talk to my husband about the way I feel and he just tells me he loves me no matter how I look. I want so badly to be beautiful because I want him to be proud of me. I feel like he is ashamed of the way I look and no matter how often he says he loves me and he thinks I am beautiful, I am convinced he is lying. I wonder how anyone could be in love with me now? I have always been very thin and considered attractive and now out of no where I feel like I am hideous. Recently my husband tried to introduce me to a few of his co-workers but I literally ran and hid because I didn’t want to embarrass him. I am completely convinced that he married me because of my physical appearance and now that it has faded he cant possibly love me anymore. I am also convinced he is going to cheat on me because he HAS to be disgusted by the way I look and I know I am not good enough for him. One of my best friends recently told me that I am ruining the experience of having a wonderful husband and beautiful family by focusing so much on my appearance and although a part of me knows she is right it doesn’t help me because she is gorgeous and doesn’t have any children so how would she know what I am experiencing. I literally hate myself now and It’s not really even about me, it’s all about my husband and how I am completely convinced I am no longer good enough for him… Is this postpartum depression???

I Don’t Think I Will Ever Come to Love this Body (Carrie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 7 Comments

~Age: 23
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies and 3 births.
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 1/2 year old daughter, 4 year old daughter, and 2 year old son.

So, where do I start? I found out I was pregnant at the very young age of 15. I was not dating her dad and he went active duty Army, so he got stationed in Colorado. Far from our hometown in Indiana. I felt like, great.. he’s getting off easy. He then found out he was deploying and we decided to try and make this work. This was in 2003. Our daughter was born on Christmas Day that year. I was then 16. He came home from deployment when our daughter was 4 months old, that is when he first saw her. We decided that I would move to Colorado with him, even though I was only 16. My mom protested, but it happened anyway. We married on my 17th birthday in 2004.

When I was 18, my husband deployed again. We found out we were pregnant again just 3 days after he left. He came home when I was 7 months pregnant. We had another baby girl in May of 2006. 2 weeks after her birth, I had to have my gallbladder removed. Then, a week later we had to move across the country to North Carolina. With a toddler, and a baby not even a month old, and just having surgery, the move was no fun at all.

Fast forward 2 more years later, and another move down to Georgia, we were finally pregnant with our son. This pregnancy, my stomach grew larger than before, but still I delivered at a weight of 157. That was my ending weight with all 3 of my pregnancies. Well, the 2 times before I stayed around the low 140’s after having my children, not this time! I EBF for the first 2 months, found out I wasn’t producing NEALY enough milk, so I had to switch to bottle feeding. My milk dried up IMMEDIATELY! It made me very sad, which I read is very common. Anyway, to the point.. After my son was around 9 months, I had gained 20 pounds! I was then 175 lbs! The heaviest I have ever been in my whole life, even being pregnant! I then found out I have a hypothyroid. Which explained my low metabolism, no energy, not being able to sleep, mood swings… and the list goes on. I thought, great! now I will finally be able to get something done with the medication! WRONG! The medication didn’t help me at all. My doctors don’t seem to care, either. So, here I am. My son is 2 years old. I now weigh 167 and that is AFTER taking Adipex for 7 months straight! How can that be? And I work out a good amount. I am trying the P90X to no avail. I can’t help but be depressed! I would be happy if I could just fit into my clothes right. Where I could get dressed and not stare in the mirror at how horrible I look. I am at a loss at what to do now. I have even had thoughts of trying to be bulimic or anorexic. Which lucky for me, have only been thoughts. I know I could not EVER do that!

So, with this. I hope that my story relates to at least 1 person. I wish I could say I am becoming closer to accepting my body, but I know that is a lie. I absolutely hate my body and know I will until I at least lose 25-30 lbs. I wish I could wake up 1 day and have my energy, motivation, or just plain out not be tired all the time! Oh, and yes.. I am still married to my wonderful husband. It has been over 6 years now, and I see many more years in the future.

PICTURES:
1ST AND 2ND – ME PRE PREGNANCY DAYS WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS FAT
3RD – 4 DAYS BEFORE I DELIVERED MY SON
4TH, 5TH AND 6TH – ME TODAY

Six Children (Erika)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Butt, Four or More Pregnancies, Plus-Sized Mom, Postpartum, Submissions 11 Comments

I am 43, 5′ 4-1/2″, 200 lbs., size 12, and I’ve had six pregnancies, six births. My first child was born 26 years ago and my last, 6 years ago. The last child really seemed to zonk my thyroid and I’ve had a hard time losing weight since his birth.

I used to feel very self conscious about my breasts but looking at this site helped me to see that breasts come in every shape and size! I would like to slim down a bit, the stretch marks do not bother me much anymore, it’s the cellulite that makes me uncomfortable.

Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Your Age: 20
~Number of pregnancies and births:1
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 1 boy, 2 years and 2 months.
?
Hello again shape of a mother! Its been 19 months since my last entry. You can find it here. I’ve meant to do some updates here and there but never got around to them. My life and self image took a completely different turn one day at the beach about a month ago, before I tell you about that let me tell you some other things first. Since my son was born my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. After weighing 175 pounds right before delivery it took me about 2 years to drop all my baby weight and then some!! I am now at about 122-124 pounds. I have days when I feel like the most beautiful woman, wife, and mother ever. While other times I feel soft and squishy and weird.

Now let me tell you about my beach experience. It was my first time back to the beach since I had my son. I went with a couple of my beautiful friends that never had babies. I was at first self conscious and almost thought I wasn’t going to be able to take off my towel when all of a sudden I realized this. EVERYONE HAS STRETCH MARKS! Ladies, I spent so many hours and nights crying about my “ruined” body. I spent so much money on creams, lotions, and fancy doodads. When all of a sudden I found myself surrounded by women of all different shapes and sizes, big small, round, flat, and all having a great time. Baby or no baby, everyone has little imperfections. Its what makes us unique, its what makes us human!

It was at that moment that I really truly realized that yes, my stretch marks really are a badge of honor. I have heard those words used before and they would make me scoff and scrunch my nose. “Badges of honor?? More like we didn’t take good care of ourselves and got too fat during our pregnancies and now we have these ugly marks for the rest of our lives!” These were my exact thoughts any time a woman said those words. I am literally covered in stretch marks from my inner thighs, outer sides, and boobs. (They have faded considerably over the years, and using Jergens gradual tanning lotion has made a HUGE difference.) Guess what world, I am not afraid to admit it. I don’t hide them, I am not ashamed of them. I worked hard for my stretch marks. I worked hard to loose the weight and be happy with my body. I work hard everyday to be the best mom, wife, and woman that I possibly can.

I am glad I went to the beach that day. Am glad that I didn’t continue hiding my stretch marks from the world. The amazed glanced that I got from my friends at my body was an incredible feeling. Hearing pretty much everyday that I don’t even look like I had a baby almost makes me blush. I really did work hard and continue working hard to feel good about myself. I did weight watchers for about a year which taught me how to eat well. I am not on it anymore but I monitor everything that goes in my mouth and try to limit going out and eating to about once a week. I don’t necessarily have any kind of exercise regiment but I am pretty active. I am a happy woman, but it was a long and hard trip to find my happiness.

Keep your heads up ladies. Listen to your men when they tell you that you are truly beautiful, because you are. Look in the mirror and smile and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Tell yourself that your child loves you because of all the love you have to give, not because you look like Gisele. Of course we all have our bad days, our bad nights, our bad hours, but have many more better days. Being a mommy is the most wonderful thing in the world, and you aren’t alone in all your struggles. Thank you for this amazing website.

090310-anon-1

Getting Used to Me (Ashley)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 11 Comments

2 pregnancies, 1 miscarriage long ago, 1 C-section birth
10 months PP, still breastfeeding
Age: 26

I always wanted to be a mother. I never expected to be a single mother. I had been dating my child’s father for only about a month when I found out I was pregnant. I considered abortion and adoption, but decided that keeping my son was the best thing for me. His father wasn’t much a part of my pregnancy, and so far, he’s not much a part of our lives still. However, my baby is absolutely beautiful. He’s by far and away the best thing that ever happened to me! Every day is now for him, and I wouldn’t change a single part of it, stretch marks and all.

He was a stubborn little fella- decided to join this world 13 days past due. (I wasn’t willing to be induced.) After only dilating to a 6, my cervix actually started to swell shut from the pressure, and I ended up having a C after 21 hours of labor.

I’m still coming to terms with my new body. Pre baby, I was 151 lbs. These days, the scale says 157 lbs, but my shape and my clothes say no way! Everything is different. I went from a size 10 to a size 13. My breasts were a perfect 34D, and now I’m a 36F as a nursing mother. I’ve just started making the effort to get back into shape (this week actually!) but am concerned my tummy will never be the same. My sister has had 3 children (with the exact same gene pool) and her tummy is flat, smooth and seamless. I’ve heard that muscles can separate, and will never return without surgical intervention. I consider it sometimes. However, I’ll see where my fitness plan takes me, and how comfortable I get with my body when I start reaching my goals (not to mention that as a full time mom and student, there’s no way I could afford it.)

Most days, I think I look pretty damn good, especially while clothed. Some days are harder than others. Everest loves to snuggle up in all my body-warmness, and when I really think about it, that’s all that matters.

This is us: (pics)

Second Update (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

age: 25
pregnancies: 1
births: 1
age of child: 2 1/2

Previous entries here and here.

My daughter will be three in December, which I cannot believe lol. I am finally almost back to my pre-baby weight. I now weight 168 (158) before baby. I am so happy to getting close to my old self. I was scared there for a while that I would never lose the weight and just stuck in that body. I still am not “happy” with the way I look, I’m soft and jiggle a lot, but it could be worse. I know I have to try and find myself beautiful before anyone else can. I do love this site and look at it daily. It just so awesome to be able to look and see other peoples stories and know your not alone! And thank you everybody for sharing your stories and you are all beautiful!

Bittersweet (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 19 Comments

Age: 31
3 Pregnancies and 3 Csections
Ages of Children: 7, 4, and almost 3 years.

I call my story “Bittersweet” because my journey has often felt that way. I’ve struggled with my weight
all my life. I was very active when I was younger and didn’t really gain a lot until college and marriage.
I stayed in size 10s and 12s. At my heaviest I was 250 and wore size 18s. I’ve been on every diet.

Now I’m 31 years old, I weigh 139 pounds, I am 5’7 1/2″, and I wear clothes in sizes 6, 7, and 8.

Here’s what happened:
I’ve had 3 pregnancies where I gained too much weight, and I’ve had 3 csections- the first of which being a perfect scar on the bikini line by an amazing doctor, the second and third cuts were made above the bikini line by not so great doctors causing me to have horrible scars and a lopsided belly.

After my third baby, I decided to get in shape the healthy way. I eat great, strength train, and do cardio.
Long story short, I lost 100 pounds and am now at a weight and size that is smaller than the day I got
married. I finally could wear a bikini, but do you think I would- Hell no.

I’m about at the finish line with my weight loss journey. There’s still 5-10 pounds I’d like to shed.
And what has happened- no I didn’t win a prize- instead, my boobs have completely deflated- they are
not perky and full like when I weighed 160 pounds and higher, my entire body is covered in stretchmarks.
It seems as though new ones appear daily on my boobs, my sides, my butt, and now down my thighs and
legs (which used to be my best feature).

I’m saddened by all of this. I don’t feel sexy at all. I cannot afford any kind of plastic surgery or special
lotions, skin treatments. I often want to gain the weight back- not all of it but enough to get my boobs back
and not be so saggy.

I appreciate everyone who reads this. It saddens me especially because it seems as though I cannot
watch a movie without seeing a beautiful naked woman on it. Men see gorgeous naked women all the time
without even having to try. How can a man appreciate a body like this. My husband says he likes my
body and likes it smaller now, but come on!!! I’m not buying it. I feel disgusting. It’s bittersweet to lose
weight and not love my new body. I hate it worse than when I was overweight.

090110-anon-1

Starting to Get Used to my Post-Baby Body (Charlotte)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Butt, Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

I feel so sorry for my husband Andrew.Hes brilliant though at reassuring me.We’d not long came back from our honeymoon in August 2009 when I found out I was pregant,I was so happy as we’d wanted kids for ages and didnt think we’d get pregnant so quick!!I loved watching my stomach get bigger and know our son was growing and getting strong but I did worry a bit as I was always a size 8-10(UK) and thought he wouldn’t fit through my pelvis I was that slim.Growing up I was one of the lucky girls who could eat what they wanted and never have to exercise and still stay a size 10.I slathered on the creams and lotions to my stomach in fear of getting the dreaded stretch marks but forgot to do my hips,bum and thighs….D’oh!By the time I was due to give birth I was into a size 14 clothes and at the time it didnt bother me,I just used to steal Andrew’s tops and jumpers,it did bother me that I couldnt wear my wedding ring as my hands had swollen up that much!!When I was 2 weeks overdue I was taken in to be induced.I was in labour for about 11-12 hours and eventually after a forceps delivery,Lewis was born at 3.29am and weighing 9lb 5oz!!He was absolutely gorgeous and his daddy’s double.I breastfed to begin with which helped to lose a wee bit of the baby weight.I did that for about 1 month but it was too much so he went onto bottles.I knew I wasnt going to ping back into shape but still felt bummed when I was doing lots of walking and running around after Lewis that I still wasn’t losing any weight.I also felt embarressed or nervous to be around my skinnier friends or even family members because I felt so fat.A size 14 is not that big a size but being a size 10 for years I felt really awkward and ugly in this new version of my body.I’d cry at adverts for Tesco with women modelling dresses because I couldnt fit into them and I was convinced Andrew didnt find me attractive anymore as I wasnt the same shape I’d been for our 7 years together.He would reassure me he still did and that he loves me even more now as I gave him our beautiful son.And he sees my stretchmarks and tummy apron as badges I should wear with honour in having gone through pregnancy and labour and all its hassles and pain.Now 3 months down the line Im starting to accept my shape but I am trying to slowly improve it by gentle exercise and healthy-ish eating.And at the end of the day does it really matter how I look??I have a beautiful son and a loving husband who love me just the way I am. x

Age:25
Pregnancies:2
Births:1
3 Months Postpartum

Fanny Pack (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Twins 14 Comments

Im 21 and had 3 childern in 2 years.After having my son I got stretchmarks below my belly button and there was slight sagging. I dieted and exercised for a year untill someone said how far along are you. I went bulimic and got down to 98 lbs then recovered and went to my pre pregnancy weight of 112 lbs. Then i found out i was pregnant again, but this time with twins. My stomach is now severly deformed and the stretch marks are now above my belly button, I still have a buldge and a flap of skin that hangs over, its my fanny pack. My relationship with my childerns father isnt the same because of my belly. I cant wear jeans, I cant even wear form fitting shirts.I cant beleive I cant go shopping at hollister anymore or wear a bikini,I have to wear granny clothes, I might as well get those long night gowns and wear those for the rest of my life. :( Im constanly depressed, I love my Childern but im bitter, i have friends that were 100 lbs and got to 180 lbs being pregnant, then going right back down to 100 lbs in 2-3 weeks and they dont have a single stretch mark and on top of it thier babies were 7 1/2 to 8 lbs. I hate it, ive pulled myself away from them because when i see them I cry, Them wearing cute hollister clothes with flat tummys pushing thier child in a stoller.I dont like going anywhere anymore becuase of my body,I was a social butterfly,loved hanging out with people,going places. Im not sure how to deal with it and never will.

The photo with the green shirt is “1 month before finding out I was pregnant with my son.”
The photo in the white undies laying on the floor is “after having my son,a little bit of stretch marks”
The other two photos are after having my twins.

Needing Some Support (Sarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Infertility, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions 18 Comments

Hello, my name is Sarah and I am 23 years old, and I have never been pregnant. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and we have been trying to conceive since we got married. However, we’ve obviously been unsuccessful. I went to the doctor and they scheduled a pap test and a pelvic ultrasound. Lo and behold, the 4 letters I didn’t want to hear… PCOS. I knew it, I just knew it.. I’ve always had problems with my menses since I was about 14, and I have been overweight my whole life. I thought I had finally got it under control because about 3 years ago, I lost 70 pounds and my period started right back up (albeit I did it very unhealthily.. I refused to eat and I worked out 3-4 hours a day.) I … it was normal for about 2 years, and then (as we all do) I got married and gained some of the weight back. Then all at once, poof. I was right back where I started. I have been trying to diet and exercise, but due to the PCOS it is extremely hard… and I am getting discouraged.

All my friends have babies, and they never had a problem having children. I can’t help but be jealous of them. I have cried countless bitter tears over it… I feel like a failure, because my body doesn’t work like it’s supposed to… The one purpose my body can serve me, to bring another little life into the world, and I can’t even do it. I’ve visited this site for a year now and I have read so many wonderful stories and my yearning for a baby has just gotten stronger. I just wanted to share my story and get some support from other women who suffer with PCOS as well. Thanks for reading… :)