Abortion/Life after Abortion

How do you forgive yourself? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Teen Mom 26 Comments

2 pregnancies 1 birth
Age 6 boy
4 years postpartum
I am 24 years old

I was 17 when I found out I was pregnant with my first child. More excited then ever, I told the father right away but knew deep down my parents would not be happy so I hid it from them. It wasn’t until one evening that my brother and I had gotten into a confrontation that I was forced to tell my parents. My mother took the news well but my father not so well, he disowned me at the age of 17. I graduated high-school and continued my education, had my son in October :) and he was the highlight of my life. soon after a few year later becoming pregnant again but at that point the father left me. I didn’t think I could do things on my own. Taking care of one child, managing school, and work was hard enough. Having another one I thought would only make it harder. Being a young single mother with no help except what I expected at the age of 20. So I had an terminated the pregnancy. And to this day I regret it. Before I got pregnant with either child I was about 100 lbs. With my son I gained 18 lbs and lost it all right away, with my second by the time I had the abortion I had already gained 15 lbs, and after I fell into post postpartum depression. I now weigh 135 lbs. I dont know if I will ever forgive myself for what I did, I know I was not financially stable but its hard.

Aussie Mum of One! (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 13 Comments

Age: 23
Pregnancies: 1 abortion
Births: 1 beautiful boy
Postpartum: 22 months

Growing up, I was always a tiny build. People always assumed I had an eating disorder because I was so little but I guess I was just lucky, I could eat anything I wanted and my body couldn’t seem to store it. When I was 18, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who at the time I thought was wonderful. We moved in together and shortly afterwards I found out I was pregnant. He didn’t want to be a father and I was young and scared and ended up letting him talk me into having an abortion. I ended up pretty depressed afterwards and I ended up putting on about 20kg. I broke up with him when I was 20 and felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I lost about 12kg and for the first time in my life I actually liked my body. I had nice curves, I finally had decent boobs!

Then in April 2008 I had a brief fling with someone I fell head over heels for and that resulted in pregnancy. I had made my mind up that I would continue the pregnancy because there was no way I was putting myself through another abortion. After speaking to the father and spending about 2 weeks crying my eyes out while he begged and pleaded with me to terminate, I told him my decision isn’t going to change so deal with it. He didn’t like the decision and to this day he still has had nothing to do with me or my son. I spent the first half of my pregnancy with my head in the toilet bowl (whoever called it ‘morning sickness’ was clearly wrong because I had it 24/7!!). As a result of not being able to eat or drink anything without it coming back up, I ended up losing about 5-6kg. By the end of my pregnancy, I had put that weight back on, plus an extra 13kg! I loved my pregnant body, I was pretty lucky that my growing belly seemed to be the only weight I put on.

Christmas eve 2008 started with me going into labour. 13 hours of me walking around and around and around (I wasn’t dilating quick enough) and the doctors were able to break my waters. 5 hours later my beautiful son arrived into the world just after midnight on christmas morning weighing a nice 6lb 13oz.
Within a few months I somehow got back to my pre-pregnancy weight. But then postnatal depression reared its ugly head and I’ve now put about 10kg on and i completely hate the way I look. My legs feel like tree trunks, my belly wobbles, my boobs sag, I now have love handles.. I can’t stand the way I look. Everyone tells me I look fine the way I am but they don’t see whats under the clothes. They don’t see what I see in the mirror. My self confidence is completely shattered by how I see myself, not to mention that I am a single mum and no guy is ever going to want to take me on when I have a child. I already know that no one will want me, as soon as a man hears I’m a mother they run a mile.

Was it All Worth it? (Emily)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Adoption, Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Teen Mom 16 Comments

Age-20
Number of pregnancies-2, One birth, One abortion
Post Partum 4 years

My story starts at the age of 15. I met my first love at my sophomore Homecoming Dance. I was dancing with a guy friend of his when he came up and starting talking to us. I immediately thought he was cute. He was two years older which also apealed to me. We danced and at the end of the dance i got his number. We started dating a week later and i lost my virginity to him 4 days after we started dating. I was very naive to have sex so soon. He used protection at first but after awhile we stopped. We were very much in love or atleast at the time we thought so. After dating for a litlle over 2 months i found out i was pregnant. I actually found out when i went to the doctor with my mom to get on the pill. I was very upset by this but i had my family and my boyfriends support. We considered abortion but ended up not doing it and we decided to give the baby up. As the months progressed we started feeling the baby move and decided we couldn’t part with him or her. We soon found out it was a she and were very excited. My boyfriend was great and spent every minute with me that he wasn’t working. We decided before she was born to name her Isabelle Corrin. I was 102lbs and 5’3 before i got pregnant and by the time i had her i was 148lbs. I got strethc marks everywhere and being young and naive i thought they would just disapear after she was born. She was born on September 15th 2006. The next two months were miserable. Her father and I split up temporarily and there was complete chaos. After a month and a half of trying to be parents we realized we weren’t fit to be parents yet. I was 16 and he was 18 and we weren’t accomplishing our goals and we were both very depressed. We told our family we were going to give her up for adoption and of course they were upset. We were as well because we did love our daughter. We ended up giving her up legally to her fathers aunt and uncle who already had 3 children and were great parents. That was final in March 07, but we handed her over to them in November 06. In december of 06 my boyfriend and the babies father joined the National guard. And with the stress of the adoption and fear for him having to deploy i packed back on the 20lbs i had lost right after the birth. When he left for basic in June of 07 i was 142lbs i worked hard over the 4 months he was gone to get down to 130. It wasn’t easy for me to lose weight and i wish i would have lost more that summer. Over the next two years i stayed around that weight and was very insecure and that caused alot of problems with my ex and i. We ended up breaking up around our 3 year anniversary. After the break up i lost 10lbs and was at 120lbs. I was very happy with how i looked and for months i maintained that weight until i got pregnant by a guy i had been serious with for 4 months. I was pregnant 9 weeks before i had an abortion and ended up gaining 10lbs in that 9 weeks. So once again i was really insecure. Ended up staying with that guy for 5 more months after the abortion until i met my wonderful fiance. He is great and i love him so much! But i still struggled with my insecuriets even though he always gave me compliments. Took me like 10 months into our relationship to actually feel confident. I lost 17lbs and got down to my lowest weight of 113. I am now 115-117 depending on the week of my cycle. I still have some insecurities but not as much. I am going to start exercising to tone up my body more in these next 8 months my fiance is deployed. We have lived together for the last year and been together 15months. I love him to death and hope he comes home safelly. He will finally be out of the guard when he returns.

I Think I’ve Always Wanted to Pose Nude (K. Marie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Breasts, Butt, Child Loss, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions 11 Comments

When most little girls were dreaming of marrying prince charming, or planning their weddings and the names of their future children, I had one goal in mind: I wanted to be physically supernatural, beautiful and virtually unbreakable. I didn’t play school or dress-up or house. I pretended I was a cartoon character: Cheetara, from the Thundercats show. Why Cheetara? Because she was everything I wasn’t — thin, muscular, acrobatic and tough. She could fight or escape her enemies, and she had a team of friends to help her.

In the real world, I was alone. A single child to neglectful, selfish parents. A student in a small, rural country school where I was often the only girl among several boys. I was a binge-eater starting at the age of 5 (to self-medicate the pain of my childhood), so I was chubby most of my young years. I hit puberty very young, growing noticeable breasts by 9 and having a mother too out of touch to support me and help me to dress properly. I was simultaneously leered at and ridiculed by everyone — family, adult friends of my parents, peers.

I was ashamed, and despite many great things about myself, the only thing that mattered was my appearance.

It wasn’t until I was pregnant that things changed. Actually, it was when I was giving birth. That was the first time in my life that I remember feeling like my body and my accomplishments were working in harmony, not one despite the other.

I can’t say that feeling has lasted. I alternate between comfortable confidence, detached apathy and gut-wrenching frustration. I still binge-eat. I still am measured by my appearance when around my own family (maybe that’s not the only measure, but it is always a topic of discussion and it stings as much as it always did). I still reject my husband’s very generous and genuine adoration, thinking not that he’s being insincere, but that his standards are too low.

But today I thought I’d be brave. I’m not Cheetara (I tried to be a few years ago when I joined an online community of folks trying to fix their lives through diet and exercise). I am, however, a very kind and open woman who sees beauty in all bodies but my own. So here I am.

Age: 32
Pregnancies: 4 (one terminated, two births (ages 7.5 and 3.5), one miscarriage at 8 weeks)
Time spent breastfeeding: 4 months with oldest child, 7 months with youngest — breast size (happily) shrunk after

The Life of My Belly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Child Loss, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions 2 Comments

I’m 31 and have had 2 abortions and 1 miscarriage – no children. All years apart and all for the best…. and still I find myself looking at my belly, that carried the life I was expecting to meet, someone I already loved. I wonder if it’s strange that it’s two years later, and I am still the same size and shape I was when I was pregnant. I know there is a part of me who is waiting to meet my baby, I also know there is no baby to meet. We were engaged… almost.. I said yes, but didn’t want to make it official until I met his parents… we were planning the trip… and a few months later – pregnant. I was excited, felt lucky, felt loved… then, he cheated on me… things unraveled and I had a miscarriage… it was an abrupt end to so many things…

I know now like I didn’t know before that I want to be a mother. And in the process of deep grieving and now deep healing, I know my soul better than I did 2 years ago, or rather I listen to my soul and respect my emotions more than I did. The ways I changed in looking forward to being a mother stayed with me, and I found with in me a mother’s voice and mother’s heart…. comforting, soothing, and nurturing all the wounded and neglect parts of myself. I used to think the goal was to lose the belly… the 25 pounds.. and I would know that part of me didn’t want to, because part of me was still wanting to grow, for this life I loved to grow… and when the belly was gone I would know it was all over…

Still ‘chubby’… still carrying my belly… I see all the things that grew in me when life stopped – a deeper self acceptance… speak softly to myself… reflect kindly… meditate earnestly… love deeper…

I turned 31 and suddenly noticed this “mother consciousness” and realized that this was a gift for me… a strong and comforting voice that has been growing in me. That will be with me, even if I lose this belly.

Story of a Teen Mother (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Third Pregnancy 5 Comments

Your Age: 19
Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies 1 birth.
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 4 years postpartum

I was 15 when I found out I was pregnant,I was scared and did not know what to do. My boyfriend was very supportive and together we decided to keep our baby. My dad was always working, my mother did not live with us at the time and my siblings were always so busy with their lives that somehow I managed to get by my first 6 months of pregnancy before they even suspected anything. I finally decided to let my father know that I was 6 months pregnant with a baby boy and that I had decided to keep him.He was surprised but overall very supportive of my decision. After telling my father I let everyone else know what was going on. My mother and sisters were very upset with me and my decision but they got over it quickly. They all tried to make my last few months of pregnancy pleasant.Then on a warm day in June my son was born , he changed our lives for the best.He is a joy and just what we needed in our family.Having him at a young age wasnt easy for us at all: money was always and issue and we had to give up our teenage lives and grow up fast. Unfortunatley I carelessly became pregnant twice after having our son. We decided we both werent ready for any more children and decided to have an abortion.We have learned from our past and make sure we do not get pregnant again.I have been using Nuvaring for 2 years now. I have since then graduated High School I plan on going to college in Fall, My boyfriend is in college and a year shy of getting his associates degree. and yes we are still together and do not plan to have any more children any time soon. I hope my story isnt to badly written and that it makes some sense & please ask questions or comment if youd like.

Dreams Come True (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Pregnant, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 25-years-young
Number of pregnancies: 4, 1 abortion, 2 miscarriages
Number of birth: On the way…I am 25 weeks!!! Yea!

After a horrible relationship with a best friend of more than 10 years, I never felt so betrayed. I had to end my relationship with her last year. She manipulated and instigated between my husband and I. I always wanted to keep a strong “friendship before lover” type of thing, but I found out the hard way when I discovered that she’s been placing me against people and people against me for many years. I really didn’t understand why she did what she did. It caused me many many tears. She literally insulted me and said “people only talk to you because you’re pretty, but people talk to me because they love my personality even if I’m not pretty.” Ever since she said that, I felt like I have no personality. My own best friend had put me down. Years of her instigating took to the point I aborted my baby at 3 months. I fell into depression afterwards. Before I found out I was pregnant, I was 110lbs. 5’3″. Then weigh 120 lbs. at 3 months. After the baby was out, I was back to 110 lbs. I grew very depressed and drop down all the way to 95 lbs.

Luckily, I have a wonderful and understanding husband. He was depressed when I did what I did, but he still stayed by my side. We decided to try again and this time I won’t do anything stupid because it was the biggest regret of my life! We tried again, but I got pregnant right away and was looking forward to risk my body for my baby! But sadly, my baby didn’t grow more than 9 weeks and just stayed in my uterus with no heartbeat. I cried my eyes out and didn’t lose hope so we tried again. About two months later, I was pregnant again. Unfortunately, it happened again where I miscarried my third baby. I finally given up and I told myself that this was God teaching me a lesson because I killed my first baby. I was so depressed. I felt like I deserve this and would never get to experience having a baby of my own.

After two years of having irregular period, I didn’t know I was pregnant and didn’t even bother to take a pregnancy test. But I grew very tired with no morning sickness. My husband told me to take one, but I was so afraid of the outcome—negative. After denying it for a couple weeks, I finally decided to take one and it was—POSITIVE!!! I was so grateful and I thank God for his precious gift. I was so afraid that the baby won’t grow more than 9 weeks again. But now, I am 25 weeks and everything is great!!! I am looking forward to stretch marks or loose skin, anything…I just want to hold my baby.

First picture is my body at 3 months with a little bump through the clothing. Second picture is me a four months although the bump is not there, I know my baby is there. Third picture, is me showing my boobies (which aren’t growing at all!=( but it’s okay, my baby is there). Fourth and fifth picture is me at 5 months front & side. I will update my upcoming bump more.

I can’t wait for my precious baby boy to arrive!!!

Trying to accept the unexpected.. Again (Ish)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Piercing, Pregnant, Submissions, Tattoo 8 Comments

Well I will try and keep this as succinct as possible though I do tend to ramble once I get going.

In January 2009 I found out I was pregnant, unplanned and completely unexpected as I was on the contraceptive pill. I was 20, had been with my boyfriend a year (he already has a gorgeous little girl from a previous relationship, now aged 2 years and 6 months) and I had just been accepted to begin a university course in September 2009. Quite obviously I wasn’t ready to be a mum but at the same time I had always said even though I am one hundred percent pro choice that I don’t think I would ever be able to go ahead with a termination no matter what my situation was. To cut the story short, it turns out you can never say never and I did end up having an abortion at 9 weeks pregnant. I will still never be sure if I made the right decision but I am trying day by day not to dwell on that because there is no point stressing on things that can’t be undone. It took me a while to realise this however and about 6 months after the termination (June 2009ish) me and my boyfriend split up. This was mainly because the shame and the guilt that I felt and was keeping to myself was just constantly on the edge and I was pretty much a mess and a complete bitch to be with. I told him I felt like I was the only one that was hurting from all of this, and he didn’t support me and blahblahblah but really I just wasn’t letting him in and I was too wrapped up in my own pain that I couldn’t see his.

Fast forward to September 2009 and we’re back together, thank god, because I realised what a good thing I was messing up and well, we love each other and that’s really all that seems to matter. Fast forward again to January 2010 and tada! I’m pregnant unexpectedly again (this time on the Depo injection). I cried, I’m sure he cried and we both thought about nothing else for a good 2 weeks straight before deciding that this had happened through all the odds, a second time around, and it must be for a reason.

I am now 22 years old and 24 weeks pregnant with the most lively little boy growing inside me and I am absolutely terrified but so excited to meet him. My relationship with my boyfriend is the best it has ever been but I do find myself at least (!!!) once daily irrationally imagining that he is going to up and leave me as soon as the tiniest flea sized stretch mark appears on me. I am 5’1, very petite but with 32dd boobs (which are already up to an E cup, nooo!) and I’ve gone from 105lbs to 123lbs, so not a massive amount but being so tiny I just dont know how much my body is going to be able to handle! I have never liked my body, even though I have no reason, but various events (including the termination) have killed my self esteem and I am really really really trying to not stress and to just enjoy being pregnant because so far I am amazed and already completely in love with this little man that I haven’t met yet. This site and all your stories have made me realise that women are fabulous – look at what we do! – and I hope one day I can be half as inspiring to someone as you all have been to me.

Pictures are literally as of today, officially 24 weeks.

~Your Age: 22
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 pregnancies, 0 births yet!

Transmogrification (Valentine)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Cesarean, Piercing, Postpartum, Submissions, Tattoo, Third Pregnancy 12 Comments

Here I am 6 weeks post-partum. I’ve spent my entire life in one extreme or another…first I loved myself to the point of narcissism. Then I couldn’t stand to look at myself, to the point where the extent of my self-loathing would bring me to tears. Now? I still find myself unattractive, but I know that SHE was worth every moment of discomfort, every stretch mark (who gets stretch marks on their legs, anyhow???), the ruined tattoo, the drooping breasts and every ounce of flab. She has been there in my subconscious for my entire life and now she is my reality. I know now that I was meant to be a mother. Also, that weird dark scar underneath my belly button? It stands as a reminder that while piercing yourself with a safety pin SEEMS like a good idea in jr high, the reality is, well…..LOOK at it!

~Your Age: 21
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 pregnancies–3 abortions, 1 birth
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 6 weeks post partum