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Missing my baby boy, and expecting my second (Shannon)

March 3, 2009

Before I ever had children I was 5’2″ and 105-110 lbs. I got pregnant with my first (Connor) when I was 19. I got stretchmarks everywhere possible! We had no idea that Connor was going to be born with any issues. He was born emergency c-section at 37 weeks. Right when he came out the doctors knew something was wrong. Connor was not breathing well, and he looked “different”. He was taken to the neonatal ICU at Children’s Hospital just hours after birth. He spent a month in the NICU (I was there every day by his side reading to him and holding him). He had to have a trach placed to breath and a g-tube placed to get nutrition. I was lucky to have an amazing fiance (now husband), who was absolutely wonderful with Connor! Connor did well for a while (lots of hospitalizations, but nothing longer than a week at a time), then when he was about 13-14 months he started running fevers all the time. They would get as high as 105.5 and nothing other than IV meds would bring them down. After running countless tests the doctors called them “central fevers”, a neurological problem. Connor was 19 months old when he passed away in his sleep at home. His heart could not handle the fevers any longer. He was and is the most amazing boy I have ever known, and I miss and love him so much. Who would have thought that a baby would be my hero. He was the happiest child I have ever met! He smiled all the time! I will never regret choosing to stay home full time with Connor. I used to say that when I was done having children I would have a tummy tuck…not anymore. I want to keep these stretch marks that my angel baby gave me. I found out I was pregnant again just 3 1/2 months after Connor went to heaven. It was very unplanned, and too soon for me. But my husband and I figure that Connor had us get pregnant with his little brother when he was ready. I am now 31 weeks along, and being followed by high risk pregnancy doctors very closely. As of now, Liam (baby number 2) looks good. I will never have the body that I used to have…but who else can say that they carried a saint?


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In labor with Connor

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Connor after birth, before Children’s Hospital arrived

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January 2008

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September 2007

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November 2007

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Valentine’s Day 2009 – 31 weeks pregnant

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Liam at 22 weeks

Updated here, here, here, here and here.

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46 Responses to “Missing my baby boy, and expecting my second (Shannon)”

  1. Beth Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    Wow, you have such an inspirational spirit. Children are such a blessing. Thanks for posting your story.

  2. I-dra Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    with the way you describe him, now i miss him too! i’m sorry you had to lose your boy. i know he will play a role in your lives forever. he has made you stronger, kinder & prepared you to be a good mother to his little brother.

  3. Shi Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    Oh wow, what a heart wrenching story, but you are so blessed to have had the time with your beautiful child that you had. You little Liam looks so sweet, I pray he bring healing in your lives. Connor is absolutely adorable, and I am sure he awaits the day you will all be reunited in a much better place. God Bless you!

  4. marnie Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 2:35 pm

    my goodness! Your story has brought me to tears, my son too, was in the NICU , luckily he is at home now and has just turned 2. Reading your story certainly makes me feel very grateful and fortunate. God has a plan for all of us, and like you said , your son was a blessing to you and was born for a reason. Congrats on the new baby!

  5. Amy Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    I love the picture of Connor in his little costume! So cute, what a happy boy. I am so sorry for your loss. Little Liam looks like he has the same adorable little nose as your Connor did. What beautiful creations our bodies can make, all the marks are worth it when you see those smiles :)

  6. cmom Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 4:04 pm

    He was as lucky to have you as you were to have him!

  7. Natalie Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 4:13 pm

    My god thats is so touching and thank you for posting your story. I wish you all the best for your next born and may god protect the little ones that are taken too soon.

  8. Bridget Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 4:15 pm

    I just want to say thank you so much for your post. It made me cry! He looked so precious and happy. I’m so sorry for your loss. You have a great perspective for having been through such pain. Thank you. Good luck with your next delivery. Your babies are lucky to have such a wonderful mama! (I love the Nov 07 pic and the way you are looking at each other in the Jan one- I’d frame that. Precious!!!)

  9. Jamie Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing your story!I have tears in my eyes as I’m writing this.Connor was definitely a precious blessing!I pray that everything goes well with the remainder of your pregnancy and you have a safe and healthy delivery!

  10. Christie Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 7:08 pm

    I love the third picture; how you guys are looking at each other. I have had a huge struggle with my new body, but you made me realize that my new body is a reflection of my new life with my baby girl. I appreciate you for sharing your story. Thank you very much.

  11. taiyo Says:
    March 3rd, 2009 at 8:03 pm

    Wow, what an amazing story. You are very inspiring. You saying that your son is your hero brought me to tears. I’m so sorry for your loss, and pray that Liam brings you the same joy that Connor did. Thanks for helping us to keep things in perspective. You’re beautiful!

  12. Amber Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 11:28 am

    Oh what an angel he was. My heart goes out to you and i pray that this baby is born with no problems and brings you all the joy you had with Connor.

  13. Claire Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 2:58 pm

    Yes, same nose! Your beautiful boy lives on in his brother

    Beautiful girl, beautiful family, beautiful story.

    The world needs more with the life view you have.

    Thank you for sharing, God bless you Connor
    x

  14. Traci Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 3:19 pm

    You are amazing.

    .x.

  15. *n* Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 6:19 pm

    your story made me cry. i love the photo of you and connor looking at each other. bless you connor!

  16. Summer Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 6:24 pm

    you’re an inspiration. you’re so strong.

  17. Ashley Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    Connor is truly one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. As I looked at your pictures of him I began weeping because I just fell in love with him. Right now he is in the arms of Someone who loves him so very much.

  18. Christy Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 8:43 pm

    What an awesome spirit you have. Your story brought tears to my eyes but it also made me smile. Your son was so lucky to have such a strong, amazing mother and in return you were blessed to have such a strong, amazing son! Bless you and your family and the soon to be new editon! :)

  19. meredith Says:
    March 4th, 2009 at 10:49 pm

    What a beautiful little boy Connor was and is. Your pictures show just how very much he was loved. Your story is absolutely heartbreaking but how wonderful that there is a happy ending. I wish you much peace and happiness as no doubt baby Liam will bring.

  20. Christie Says:
    March 5th, 2009 at 3:01 am

    Oh what a sweet boy :) You can see the love in his eyes for you and you him. xoxo

  21. Bevin Says:
    March 5th, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    What a sweet little boy!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were so so lucky to have him. I also lost my daughter, but she was 29 days old. Thank you for sharing your story and adorable pictures of your son!!!!!!

  22. diana Says:
    March 6th, 2009 at 10:24 am

    wow, your mazing, i love the pic where he is looking up at you, idk why but it made me cry…you can tell so much he loves you and you love him…

  23. Lexi Says:
    March 7th, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    Your story brought me to tears. That last sentence had me bawling! What a sweet boy! Thank you for sharing your story!

  24. christina Says:
    March 8th, 2009 at 4:37 am

    I read your story and just started crying. I can’t imagine. I have 2 boys -6 yrs old and a 9 month old. Your son looks so precious in the pictures. I love the one in the costume. He looks like such a joy! God bless you and your family!

  25. Rachel Says:
    March 9th, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    What a wonderful story, you are amazing!

  26. Stepherz Says:
    March 14th, 2009 at 3:20 pm

    This is an unbelievably sweet story. I love how you’ve endure it and are grateful for the time you had with Connor. And I absolutely adore the picture of him looking up at you in the tub. Oh, you can see the love he had for you. It makes my heart melt. What a darling boy! Congrats on your new son!

  27. Grl29 Says:
    March 18th, 2009 at 8:30 pm

    Thank you for this touching story. Im so sorry that Connor left you too soon, he sounds like an amazing soul that Im sure was a blessing to have known. I can see so much love in him and you and your husband. How lucky he was to be born to such a wonderful mom. He is truly a sweet little boy. Many prayers and good wishes for your next child and your family.

  28. Sarah Says:
    March 21st, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    I cried reading your story! Connor was such a sweet boy and what a gorgeous smile and beautiful eyes! He was a sweetheart! I love that you know what a miracle your body is–every stretchmark is a reminder of when you carried Connor. Congratulations on Liam! Connor will be his Guardian Angel. ♥

  29. kim Says:
    March 28th, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I’ve never commented here before, but I just had to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I’m glad that you believe in a heaven..that is for sure where he lives on. God bless

  30. Sari Says:
    April 8th, 2009 at 7:42 pm

    Oh you are an Angel! What a lovely, lovely family, and what an amazing spirit you have. I do believe you are having this baby, at just the right time. It all happens for a reason, and you are so obviously capable of some of the greatest love I have ever witnessed. You are not only blessed, but a blessing.

  31. Rachel Says:
    June 10th, 2009 at 10:53 am

    I am crying my eyes out right now. He was such a beautiful boy and you are such a wonderful mother. I am so sorry for your loss. But I am happy that you were blessed to be in each other’s lives for the time that you were.

  32. Sierra Says:
    June 29th, 2009 at 4:18 pm

    wow you truly are an amazing woman!! Reading your post definitely brought tears to my eyes!! What a blessing your little saint baby, he was perfect and i’m happy that you got to spend the time with him that you did!! You are very strong and i’m glad to have seen your update that your son liam is doing so wonderful!!! God Bless you!!

  33. Trina Says:
    August 11th, 2009 at 11:22 am

    You and Connor are inspirations to me. I am currently 15 weeks pregnant with my first and it was very unexpected. I had previously been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and am on a very low dose of my medication, the lowest dose. They are also some of the “safer”of the meds I can take during pregnancy. I spoke with my doctor (Phsychiatrist) who prescribed the meds to ask for advice on birth defects, because my family doctor right away said I had to have an abortion due to my meds. After much talking with my phsych. I decided to not terminate the pregnancy. I have researched also on my own. The chance of birth defects are extreemly low, but even in a healthy pregnancy with no risks things can go wrong. Reading about you and your son, and all your courage has shown me and reassured me that things have a way of working out, and the blessing in disguise it can be. Reading about Connor i thought that he must have felt so bad all the time being so sick and so little and not understanding…but in his pics with you he looks so happy, and you are an amazing woman for all you have done. I am so sorry about your loss, and also very happy about your second Angel baby…you have one in heaven watching over you and now one on earth to comfort you.

  34. The one who posted...Shannon Says:
    August 19th, 2009 at 7:59 am

    Thank you all of you for your comments

    Trina:

    I am so happy that you decided to keep your baby. Healthy or not, you will love your child so much. I used to say (just like every other women does) “it doesn’t matter what I have as long as it is healthy…” but since I had Connor I say “it doesn’t matter as long as it is happy…” and Connor was most certainly happy! I will keep you in my prayers, and I will ask Connor to do the same for you! Either way, your child will be perfevt in your eyes!

  35. M Says:
    January 14th, 2010 at 2:55 pm

    I cried when I read your story, I also smiled. Of course it is sad what happened that is why I cried, he came for a reason, everything happens for a higher purpose, you gave him a wonderful loving 19 months and that made me smile. The way he is looking at you when you are in the bath together is so very precious, I momnet in time that you will never forget and that has changed you forever. You are so strong to have made it through it all. I am glad you had a supportive husband by your side, that helps alot. I hope all is well with Liam. As the saying goes…..don’t feel bad because it’s over, smile because it happened. God will never give us more than we can bear.

  36. Ania Says:
    March 6th, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Picture number three “Fully Yours Forever.”

  37. Julia Says:
    May 13th, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Your story brought tears to my eyes. Those pictures are beautiful. Your son was a beautiful little boy. In those pictures I can see that he was loved very much, he was a lucky little boy to have loving parents like you.

  38. Claire Says:
    February 21st, 2011 at 8:04 am

    Your story made me cry, it reminds me so much of my own little angel, he was only with us for 5 days. I know how it feels to lose a piece of yourself, a very big piece.

  39. Mandy Says:
    February 22nd, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    That third picture makes me cry there is so much love there. I am so sorry for your loss! He looked like he loved you so much. ((Hugs))

  40. sarah Says:
    April 11th, 2011 at 1:43 am

    Thank you for posting I had to beat my chest and force my self to breath. Your beautiful boy looking into his mummy’s eye’s. Cried my eyes out feel like such a bitch I was mad at my son today I’m lucky I have my son today. Thank You sorry for your loss. x

  41. Alleesha Says:
    July 25th, 2011 at 2:52 am

    may your beautiful baby RIP, he is just gorgeous <3

  42. shannon Says:
    July 27th, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    Thank you everyone

  43. Melisa Says:
    September 8th, 2011 at 11:40 pm

    Shannon, your story about him makes me cry…he is beautiful.

  44. Pastor David, RN Says:
    December 14th, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    Very few things on earth is as beautiful as a mother’s love, and nothing more moving than the loving care she has for her child in distress. I believe your little Conner is now ministering to you in ways that you will only discover on the other side of this life. God bless you in the long and demanding task of motherhood!

  45. jodie Says:
    May 22nd, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    this is so specail and amazing that little boy was absultely adorable !!!! im so sorry for your loss but u are a inspiration to women and youve had to cope with alot i wish u all the best !!!

  46. Dee Says:
    December 9th, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Awww Connor looked like such a sweetheart! I am so sorry for your loss but happy for you having Liam, Connor wold be a proud big brother… i think he sent him to you :)
    Your’e right, our bodies are our badges of honor. I lost my 3 day old son in August and though it’s hard, my belly and breasts show he did live and he was real… no once can take that away from me, I wold fight any surgeon trying to cut that memory from my body, though they could never remove him from my heart.

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