Update

Light at the End of the Tunnel (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 5 Comments

Previous post here.

I wanted to post an update. In my previous entry, I was 3 weeks pp, and now I am 6 months pp. I still visit this site daily and find encouragement and inspiration in all of the stories written and shared. Every one on here is beautiful and each experience unique; that is what we all need to embrace and LOVE about ourselves. We all have gone through a common experience of carrying a child, but beyond that all of our stories are different. Some of struggle, some of pure bliss, some of uncertainty, some of pain, some of heartache, some of selflessness, some stories that make me want to reach through the computer and hug the original poster, etc… at the end of each story, however, is the same thing; we love our LO’s with all of our hearts, we couldn’t have imagined a love so strong and a dedication so deep beyond the needs of ourselves. We couldn’t imagine life another way…BUT we want our old bodies back!!! Even as much as we hated our bodies pre pregnancy, we wish we had that body of imperfection rather than this body we see today. Guess what. This body today performed a miracle (or maybe two or three, or more!!) and the new “imperfections” we are so quick to point out are those of which tell our unique story.

Trust me, this has been a very difficult concept for me to accept. I will be the first to admit I have spent countless hours searching the internet on mini tummy tucks, tummy tucks, total mommy makeovers, thermage, ItWorks body wraps, etc, etc, etc… but over the past two months I decided to make a change within myself. I started to eat better. I’m not on any fad diets and I definitely don’t deprive myself. But I make it a point to drink lots and lots of water every day. I am always a happier person when I am “fit” so I started a work out routine. Being a full time working mom of 2 and a student, this is difficult to squeeze in but I manage a 25 minute workout MOST mornings and it kicks my arse! Then on weekends I try and do a couple miles run. Other than that, no drastic changes. Even though I haven’t made big changes to my eating and I’ve only incorporated a tiny bit of exercise, I can see a big change in my body, my confidence is through the roof and I am a much happier mom and wife.

I used to look in the mirror in disgust. Most recently I noticed my boobs had shrunk in size and aren’t as perky as they once were. But when I have a good bra on I can sport a v-neck or low cut shirt with “cute/attractive” cleavage rather than the “in your face” cleavage I used to have. I think smaller boobs are more classy ;) And to be honest, I have always wished for smaller boobs. Recently I was thinking breast implants to regain the perkiness but now I look in the mirror and appreciate the softness of them. They seem so feminine and womanly. Maybe I’m having a good week and will have a moment down the line of wanting breast implants again. Either way, I am learning to accept the changes my body has gone through, and continues to go through pp and with age. Underneath it all, I am simply striving to just be a good and better person. That’s what matters most at the end of the day anyways.

So as we wake up each morning and pick apart our “flaws”, let’s do ourselves a favor and weasel in at least one positive compliment to ourselves to kick start our days. Maybe eventually that one compliment will turn into more and take over our self confidence and society as we see it today can kiss all of our butts when we flaunt our mommy bodies with pride!!

I may not be magazine perfect, but airbrush me and I’m damn near close ;) hahahahaha (that’s sarcasm but a sneak peak to what I tell myself to boost my confidence!) I’m far from where I want to be but I know I will get there. And in the meantime, I’m a good mom, a good wife, a good friend, a good sister, and a hard worker, among other things. I am more than my skin and appearances. And so are you. We aren’t perfect, nor will we ever be, but we are who we are and we need to love us. I want my daughters to love themselves the way that I love them, so I need to love myself the way that my mom loved me (she passed Nov. 2012 and the one thing that sticks in my brain every time I find myself dissecting my image in the mirror is her telling me “you have a nice figure, you always have and can wear anything you want because you always look cute”). I would never think less of my daughters if they sported the loose skin, stretchmarks or any other scars, so why do I think less of myself?

Here are some pictures of me 6 months pp.

Update – Pregnant by choice, body fears reappear. (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 7 Comments

Age 25
Pregnancies 2
One 5 year old and currently 18 weeks pregnant

Previous post here.

I was in top shape at 133 and toned and decided I wanted another baby. We are having another boy. And at 17 weeks I feel fat, and ugly… I fear that I will become depressed as I did with my first child. Worried that my body will become worse , I worry about each pound I gain, and just want to be able to work out to loose it again… I feel horrible that I’m not loving pregnancy as I do crew first time, just critical of my body all over again.

1st – progress over the two years before 2nd pregnancy last is 130 lbs
2nd photo – 1 month
3rd photo 4 months

Healing and Hopeful (Kerry)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Birth, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Spousal/Partner Abuse, Submissions, Update 15 Comments

22 years old
2 pregnancies 2 births
3 years 11 months, and 13 months PP

Most recent post here.

I’ve posted a few entries in the past, here is one, the last one was almost 2 years ago. Reading back on my posts I read the things I was trying to convince myself to believe, but wasn’t quite there yet. I thought if I wrote it and saw my pictures I might start believing it. Truthfully though, I hated my body. HATED it, though I so desperately wanted to feel beautiful. I was apprehensive about posting all of this with my name, and my face, but it is who I am.

As you can tell, if you look at the pictures in my old posts, I yo-yoed with weight, from saying I felt fabulous at 165, and then dropping 40lbs by my final entry. I’ve been wanting to write a new entry for a while now, since I started healing. So here it goes :)

I got pregnant with my second child in April 2011 (10 days after weaning my son!) we practiced NFP but he was home for 1 day in between trips and “in the moment” hormones took over. I hadn’t wanted a second child because the emotional roller coaster that happened as a result from my first pregnancy, birth, and bodily change was so horrific that I wasnt sure I would be able to handle it again. I had PPD for the first 10 months, which went untreated because I did not want to acknowledge failure, which is what I felt it was.

My husband was never that great of a guy, I had had him arrested for domestic violence and every apartment we lived in I had to patch and fix before we could move out; he had quite the temper, along with substance abuse. He had wandering eyes and blamed it on me, my lack of sex drive (3-4x a week was not enough) and my ruined body and lack of desire to get in shape to turn him on. I was told about all the beautiful girls he had been with, and since I was ruined I was lucky to have him and even if he left me I’d never find a man who would find me attractive. I didn’t want to bring another kid into the mix, I hated the fact that my son had to know this life. When I was 4 months pregnant he admitted that he had been cheating on me with my co-worker/best friend, I left him that week. I packed up what I needed, and moved my two year old son and myself into a room in my parents house. Leaving an abusive, controlling relationship was the hardest thing I ever did. I wanted so badly to go back,” I was comfortable with it, I could put up with it.. it wouldn’t get THAT much worse” thankfully I held firm and after 7 months of going to counseling individually and as a couple with elders from my church, without seeing a change on his part, I filed for divorce. God blessed me with an amazing family, and church family that supported me and encouraged me every step of the way. I had an amazing second home water birth, 4 hours of light labor and 10 minutes of intense labor. My daughter was born at 41 weeks exactly, perfect in every way :) I never got PPD after her birth, I had my placenta encapsulated and took that, but I think more of it had to do with the fact that I was in an encouraging, loving environment this time around. Fast forward a year and here I am. I’m still living with my parents, but I am a full time student going for my RN, I have two beautiful kids who are safe and do not have to see that life. I am so thankful, God is good!

That process was the beginning of my healing. Discovering that I might just be a worthwhile human being who might just be beautiful, who might just have a brain (I am maintaining a 4.0 GPA!), and who, someday, someone might truly cherish. I took the power back. I continued to eat healthy and stay active throughout my pregnancy, quitting work as a CNA at 35 weeks. I felt awesome after she was born and started the couch to 5k program when she was 3 weeks old. I was doubtful, I just wasnt a runner… I wasnt made to run. I completed my first 5k within 9 months :) I started doing crossfit when she was 7 month old and it’s pretty safe to say I’m hooked! I absolutely love working out. It’s no longer something I feel I have to do to try to look attractive, or that my body is so disgusting that its the only solution. I’m strong, I’m powerful, I’m good at what I do and I get such enjoyment out of it! Last week I deadlifted 226lbs, I failed at 130 6 months before, needless to say I was pretty happy, not stopping here though! After giving birth I lost the weight pretty quickly, and settled at 133, where I have been for the last 9 or 10 months, I eat clean (though the occasional bag of almond M&Ms and lattes have to be snuck in ;) ) I am not interesting in losing any weight, I like where I am at and feel awesome. Just love challenging my body and getting stronger and faster. I am signed up to do the Tough Mudder in May. The idea of getting married again some day and a man seeing my body still makes me a little apprehensive, not going to lie.. and I find myself second guessing things like wearing a two piece because my belly will show, but I am reading This Momentary Marriage by John Piper and there was a chapter on being naked and not ashamed, and how it was not due to perfect bodies. It doesn’t mean no stretchmarks, or “perfect” measurements, or straight teeth.. but that the love of a husband (or wife) does not see and pick apart those imperfections, but loves the spouse as a whole. I was floored. I felt hope.

Sorry this is so long, I still struggle with my saggy breasts, and stretchmarks from time to time, and Im not sure if those struggles will ever be gone for good, but I feel real, and I feel alive, and most days I feel beautiful. Over the last two years the biggest transformation is not of my body, but of my mind and soul. I cant stop smiling on the inside, or just saying “God is good, God is so good!” I am healing :) I hope that my story reaches out to at least one woman out there who can take encouragement from it.

pictures 1 & 2 are from my daughters birth
picture 3 is me deadlifting 226lbs
picture 4 is my stomach presently

Never felt more like a woman. (Jordan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

23 years old
3 pregnancies/2 births
14 months pp

Previous post here.

As mothers, our bodies may not look like they used to, but that’s OK. My body gave me my children and for that, I will be eternally grateful. It is a beautiful thing. Sure, Alot of woman may see their stretch marks, and sagging skin as a flaw or fear others will view them as unattractive.. but they are part of who we are now and, therefore, they are beautiful. We earned them and we need to appreciate them more. My body may not be magazine perfect but it’s perfect enough for me and that’s all that matters. I had an easy, healthy pregnancy with both of my boys. Labor and delivery was short, unmedicated and absolutely beautiful both times as well and if i could do it all over again.. i’d do it the same way. Epidural is not natural and not for me. I have a 3 year old and a 14 month old, They keep me busy, never cease to amaze me and they are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love me, inside and out.. I hope every single one of you reading this does or will come to feel this way about your own body and minds! Love this website.

(1) Pre-Pregnancy
(2) 8 months pregnant with second child
(3, 4) 14 months pp
(5) My boys

Update (Kathleen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 11 Comments

Previous post here.

14 months ago, I wrote a submission following the birth of my second son. Well, my baby boy just recently celebrated his first birthday, and it got me thinking about the memoir I wrote so many months ago. When I posted my story, I was, like many mothers, exhausted, adjusting to life with a new baby, and struggling with my self image. This past year has been a wonderful whirlwind, but as a mommy to two busy boys, I found it extremely difficult to find any time for myself. I wanted to lose my baby weight, but never seemed to have enough time in a day to work out. I would try to early in the morning before the kids got up, (5:30) or at night when they went to bed. It was difficult to be consistent and I was often dismayed that I wasn’t seeing any results.

I decided that I would do the best I could, when I could. But most of all, I decided to revamp what I was eating. I may not have had much control over my schedule, but one thing I could control was what I put into my mouth. I started eating clean, well – as clean as I could! And just tried to eek in a workout whenever the kids would allow – even if it was 10 or 15 minutes during the day. Well, here I stand, 65 lb lighter, and the healthiest I have ever been. And I have never felt so good about myself. I wanted to post this for all the moms out there that are feeling the same helplessness that I felt. I never thought I would lose the mommy tummy. I was resigned to the fact that I would probably have a little poofy pouch under my shirts for the rest of my days. I said I was ok with it, yet like many women on here, I researched alot about tummy tucks!

It wasn’t a quick process. It didn’t happen over night. It took 14 months of “trying” to get in a workout. But what made the biggest difference of all, was changing my eating habits.

Because I am happier with myself, my happiness spills over into many other facets of my life – most importantly, my role as a wife and a mother. To all the amazing and beautiful mothers on this site who encouraged me inspired me, and lifted up my soul when I needed it the most, thank you so much.

Update on My Diastasis Recti (Mrs. Roussell)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Belly, Diastasis Recti, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 8 Comments

Age :23
Weeks PP: 9!

Previous post here.

When I last posted I was 4 weeks pp and very insecure about my stomach. I haven’t lost any weight yet (still 140) but I’m ok with that being I’ve never had a big butt and being that I’m African American I’ve always been made fun of because of it but now I LOVE my new booty!! … One person commented on my post that just by looking at my pictures she was 100% sure that I had Diastasis Recti (separation of the ab muscles) ..my first thought was “what the hell is that” so I started to google. Every picture I saw reminded me of my stomach and through further research the “Tupler Technique” popped up. I have a belly binder that the hospital gave me to wrap my boobs after I had my baby(no I didn’t breast feed!!! Don’t Judge) I cut it into 3 sections and wrapped my stomach while hold in my abs and pushing them together..it’s not the same as the proper diastasis recti rehab splint that is endorsed by the “tupler technique” but hay money is a little tight because we’re moving..so until we’re settled that’s what I’ll be doing. I’ve been wearing it for 2 days now and doing transverse abdominal exercises and I already see results!! To all moms PLEASE google this condition before doing CRUNCHES !!! I have a new found confidence knowing that I have this condition and that I CAN fix it..hope this post helps new and old moms

Updated here.

A Do-Over (Megan)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 4 Comments

Previous post here.

Age: I’m 25
Number of Pregnancies & Births: 2 Pregnancies & Two births (3.5 yrs & 3 weeks old)

I was terrified to have another baby after my first. For all kinds of reasons: I didn’t want to get more stretchmarks (more! how would that even be possible?! I felt covered already.), I hated being pregnant the first time (I just felt fat and ugly the whole time and wasn’t too excited to re-live those feelings), I didn’t want to have to lose a bunch of weight afterwards again (it took me 6 months to even feel semi normal again last time), I’d hated all of the comments from people when I went overdue with my first (“You haven’t had that baby YET?!”) etc.

Long story short, despite all of my reasons, I really wanted my son to have a sibling so we decided to start trying for another when he was 2.5 and boom! Two months later, the pee sticks showed pregnant. I was simultaneously thrilled and scared.

How would this time be any different? Would I completely lose myself again?

Then I remembered the post I’d written on here when my son was a year old. Looking at it again was like a pep talk from my self. I COULD have a better second pregnancy! I COULD enjoy it! It was all up to me and my attitude/habits. And guess what? I did.

I took my own advice: I walked daily and I ate decently (this time I gained 28 pounds instead of 53).

I tried to dress in a way that made me feel confident and showed off my bump. And you don’t have to spend a fortune to feel good! I went to thrift stores and wore hand me downs (but only the ones that made me feel pretty!).

I grew my hair out to a length that made me happy.

I actually let people include me in pictures.

I celebrated milestones.

All in all, this pregnancy flew by and although I went overdue by almost 2 weeks (oh the comments I got this time!), I let myself enjoy being pregnant. Having my son involved made it such a special time that I want to remember forever.

Do I look like a supermodel now? Nope. Do I absolutely love my body all the time now? No way. BUT I now know, I look like the mother of two amazing children who I love more than anything and THAT’S the look I’m going for. My husband loves me and more importantly, I love myself. I also realize now that it takes time to get back to “normal” (if there even is such a thing) after having a baby. I’m in no rush.

I’m so incredibly grateful for the community of women on here who let each other know daily it’s OK if becoming a mother changed you! It’s supposed to. We’re here to build each other up and I love it. Thank you mamas, keep doing what you’re doing!

These pics are of me at 2.5 weeks postpartum after my second. I really want to start eating cleaner and getting back into the swing of doing Pilates daily but for now, my hobbies include sleeping (whenever I can!) and nursing. :)

I have a not-so-depressed tummy now. (Claire)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

2 pregnancy boys aged 4 and 2years 6 months.

Previous post here.

After alot of hard work ive lost a further 10lbs and currently weight 128lbs i wish i was 100% happy with the way i looked but i would still love to loose another 14lbs and tone up more before summer. All mums know that having kids and being a full time mum does not leave alot of “me” time. I speak to alot of mums and they all wish they had more time to work out and tone up.

I have finally got a routine where i can fit in a work out and i really feel great for it. I have been to rock bottom about the way my stomach has changed since having children and gone through so many emotions. I am an expert on tummy tuck procedures so much so that i could probably preform one in my living room .lol and read about every magical cream or diet on the planet. I have learned during the past year though that you need to work extra hard to get what you want so with my zumba,sits ups and cardio i hope i am on my way to a “normal” stomach. Its getting there i guess. I am very proud of myself i have lost over 50lbs since my second child do any other mums out there feel like they will never be happy no matter what they do? much love xxxx

Missing You Always and Forever (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions, Update 6 Comments

2 pregnancies/ 2 boys
28 years old

Original post here.

Dear Mom,

I miss you everyday. I miss your beautiful smile, your laugh and being able to talk to you about anything.

Christmas this year just wasn’t the same without you. Last year was the first year without you and it was very emotional and kind of a blur. But this year it was almost like I had lost not one but two parents. Dad has a girlfriend, she moved in, in September. I haven’t been to your house since then. I actually haven’t talked to dad much since then either. I don’t like who he chose to keep his mind veering in your direction. She is only five years older than Adam, not that age has anything to do with me not liking her I just find it weird. We don’t trust her, dad first mentioned her only 4 months after you died. Dad sticks up for her all the time saying “she doesn’t have her 7 year old daughter because her ex and the judge are out to get her”everyone’s out to get her, it’s like she hypnotized him or something. He is spending on things that she wants to decorate your house with. I can’t go there, it’s to hard, it’s not home anymore. Scott moved to Nova Scotia with his girlfriend so he wasn’t here for chirstmas either. We had supper at Jenn’s on Christmas day instead of your house. There is just so much change in such a small time.

I’m scared of getting older and having to make important decisions and watching people I love die. Good- bye are the hardest words to ever say, that is why I never did with you. I told you that it was ok if you needed to rest. I was so scared to leave your bed side, worried all the time that you might go and I wasn’t there. I wanted to climb into bed with you but was to scared I would hurt you. So instead I held your hand, talked to you (I know you could hear me) and played music. I wish I was stronger for you and there for you more. I regret everyday that I wasn’t at your house everyday helping you and talking to you, soaking everything that I miss up. You guys kept saying you could fight it, you would beat it. I had a feeling from the start, it spread to fast. I tried to see you everyday when it got near the end, brought flowers, visited, helped where I could, and cried at your side.

I feel so selfish, you just wanted to live and I want my body back. I still look in the mirror everyday and wish I looked like I did before I had kids. I still cry most days wishing I wasn’t depressed, anxious, or feeling alone even when I’m not. I don’t know how to get through this, and I want to talk to you so bad. B is 7 already, I hate that they won’t know you more and you aren’t here to see them grow. I didn’t care if you were over weight or had thinning hair, you were (are) my mom and friend and I didn’t see those things as I do on myself. So in reality my kids probably don’t either so it really shouldn’t matter. I know you said that J loves me and I should let it go, I just can’t. I still get anxiety when we have sex (he might feel the stretch marks, extra skin or a roll), and yet at the same time I’m wondering why he doesn’t want sex more often. Is he as repulsed by me as I am with myself? Me and Shelley (my therapist) have both told him that I need him to compliment me more and show more affection. It happens for about a week after the talk and then lingers off. I know I don’t believe it now when he does compliment me but my hopes are that someday I will. I think he feels obligated to do it which feels even worse. And I think he holds off on sex until he really really wants it because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. Just after having B he told me I wasn’t as attractive as I was before, and to this day I can’t get it out of my head. I wish I was stronger like you.

I hope they play music where you are so you can get dressed up and put your dancing shoes on. I hope you are watching over us and proud of who I am. I have made it one year and five months without you, It has been extremely hard but even when I thought I couldn’t, I did.

Sincerely, you daughter who loves you deeply and misses you always and forever xoxoxoxoxo