I’m 21 years old, I have two kids. One just turned 2years old, while the other just turned 8months a few days ago. Both natural births, pretty much perfect the only good thing. I was only actually pushing for 10 minutes with the first baby and 5minutes with second baby, my labors were a breeze. I’m so lucky in that sense. I’m 8months post partum. I had them very close together. I never got the chance to really get back into shape when I became pregnant with my second child. I was down to a normal weight from breastfeeding, but I never really got the chance to work out and really tone myself up. I had known my husband for all my life.He knew me when I was still very much in shape. He’s told me how he was intimidated by my abs, and how fit and good looking I was,(I danced and played softball [catcher]) and how doughy I am now. I’ve always struggled with body image. I have always been a inwardly materialistic person. I don’t judge others, when I see others I think everyone is beautiful, but when I look in the mirror, at myself, I see the one person in the world that’s Ugly, most likely Inside* and Out*. My husband one time told me that people have told him I was* a butter face (everything’s good but her face) But now I wouldn’t even be considered that really. But in my “golden” days At least I had a body to speak of.
My life is pretty messy right now. I’m getting a divorce. He could claim that flirting with girls, telling them “If I wasn’t married I’d come save you” and emailing himself nude photos of these girl so he could keep them but delete them from his phone (hiding it from me) was acceptable. I Never confronted him about the photos ever. I knew what his response was.
He’s always wondered why I have body issues telling me “I love you darling, and you are perfect to me, that’s what matters, I find you sexy” But a lot of the burden of my issues became magnified 3 weeks after I had my first child, I found saved pictures of a girl he dates (a woman who shared my name) in her sexy halloween costume (it wasn’t even August yet….) and of her doing her “pole dance” routines. She has a wonderful body. I couldn’t help but think “this is the girl he wants”
He never really helped me with the kids, and I’ve always picked up the slack, I never got ME time. I never shopped for myself. I gave everything and received nothing, and to me this was normal, and not toxic, to me I still see it as acceptable behavior.
I was texting a co worker- a male. He sent me a photo of himself with his ‘hair’ cut; it was provocative, but unprovoked (unlike my husbands female counterparts where he’s asked for them) He found it, I left my phone in the car with him, cause in my eyes I had nothing to hide, he got the text.
This to my husband WAS cheating. in HIS HEAD i was a whore, who had sex with this man and did terrible things. He berated me in front of his family brought them all in, people I loved as much as my mom and dad. People who treated me like family and he painted me this snake, something awful. I was shamed in front of people I loved dearly for something that wasn’t my fault. Maybe talking to this man was a bad idea, but much of the time I was talking about my issues with food, how I had been restricting my diet, how my felt about my mother in law who to me is my MOMMY was dying of cancer, how I didn’t know how I could handle her death. how I didn’t know how to handle Sergio’s reaction. How what he’s done hurt me. This man listened, unlike my Husband. And he would try to flirt but i ALWAYS drew a line telling him “I’m a married woman and in no way will I betray my Husband ” He sent the photo and in the end I took responsibility for it, to me my actions were still inappropriate and I am not excused.
But never were his, but he felt they were.And to me – that was enough.
My husband was my first love, first kiss, and he took my virginity. I believed all his words.
We are now separating and divorcing – he’s been dirty and so completely opposite of what I thought I married – he’s been a monster. He kept me from my kids for a month with bogus protective orders and played the court like a toy. (they didn’t appreciate it in the end and i now have my kids)
I didn’t eat much this entire month, I honestly can’t recall eating anything. I must have though otherwise I would have passed out – I nearly did in court.
I missed my oldest sons 2 year birthday. It killed me, I still cry about it sometimes.
I drank water hoping to drown myself. My only thoughts were “Soon this will be over and I’ll have my kids i can only speak the truth and the truth will guide me to my children (it did) And in this moment I can’t bare to eat is a moment I can have my body back – I’ll be skinny soon enough”
I have terrible wrinkles from where I guess my skin stretched and jammed together like a spring set loose. I have two belly buttons it weight. dragging down. I want it gone.
I still can’t eat much, my body has gotten used to such a small amount of food that it sickens me to eat, and when I do I feel disgusting. I just want to be the size i was when I started to date Him.
16 – maybe it will be a reset button. I don’t do it for other men – I don;t think any man will accept me with two children. At least not in the town I’m in, but this place is all I know. My life is pretty much over but at least I can be happy with my body. And make my children’s joyous and fulfilling. for me though all i Want is to look in the mirror and say “wow flat stomach skinny waist beautiful collar bone, gorgeous legs, and a cute butt”
I reached 150lbs with my first pregnancy, dropped to 135 Until I got pregnant again and reached 155 lbs with my second.
I am now 120lbs, But my stomach is still there. I want to get down to 100. I’m doing INSANITY. even with my minute diet. I wake up feeling smaller, But i fear its all in my head and i’m diluting myself
I’m afraid I’ll never get rid of this saggy wrinkly thing. I’ll always have a “w” and a double belly button. that when I’m laying on my side this GROWTH will roll over lazily like jabba the hut.
I feel like even if I don’t seem like a terrible person with my story – I know I am a terrible person in some way. I know I am. I’m not good enough for anyone. Inside or Out. I read some of these entries and cry wishing i could be half the woman these gals are. But I have these two amazing boys, my only blessing. My only gift. The only thing that makes my heart worth beating.
And people tell me to be proud of my belly cause they were the result – but I see them, and they are in my heart. I don’t need this belly I don’t have to be proud of this belly.
For me I see this belly as a curse, maybe if i was a better person god, the cosmos, whatever would have blessed me with the ability to be skinny.
That my life would have fallen like puzzle pieces instead of shattering like glass.
I have to rebuild everything that I worked so hard to gain – and in the end I feel like “what if I really am just a worthless weight, and this belly is just showing me how true it is”
thank you for this website it’s an inspiration and this has been a great outlet.
