Submissions

PPD vs “Baby Blues” (Crystal)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions, Tattoo 12 Comments

age:22
1st pregnancy
1 child
my daughter’s name is Lily and she is 3 months
i am exactly 3 mo and 3 days post partum

I found this website through just googling other women’s postpartum stories. I really love this website because it makes me feel a little “normal”. Sometimes I feel the issues I’ve been going through are only happening to me. Here is my story…I’m really reaching out for anyone’s advice or if anyone has been through this same thing.

My beautiful daughter Lily was born March 12, 2009. The first 2 weeks after she was born I felt amazing. I would just melt like butter holding her in my arms just looking at her. I was proud to be a mom and I still am to this day. It felt like I had also found a new love for my husband. I’ve always considered him the love of my life and after Lily was born it felt deeper. Like our connection was more intimate. My sex drive was high and I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. I loved my new body without the big pregnant belly. I also enjoyed my workouts at the gym every other day. I was so dedicated to the gym that I would just take my daughter along with me and leave her in the carseat right in front of my treadmill. I didn’t want to miss a workout.

I’m not too sure when it began to happen it seemed like my feelings started to turn for the worse little by little. It sort of came out of nowhere. All of the sudden I started to become a little lazier and making excuses not to go to the gym anymore. I stay at home with Lily and when my husband was at work I would find myself picking fights with him over text messages. The fights would get so extreme I would threaten to leave. When he would get home I honestly wouldn’t really remember just what exactly I was so mad about. I would get so mad to the point where I really just wanted to hit something. This is when I noticed that things were a little off with me. I’ve never been in a physical fight ever. This sort of anger is out of my character. Then my sex drive seemed to almost disappear over night. At first I just thought it would go away all of these strange feelings that I was having. I tried to just say that I wasn’t in the mood to my husband hoping he wouldn’t notice that it had been several days since the last time we made love. Of course that didn’t work and he began to think he was the problem why I wasn’t in the mood. I finally sat down with him and explained all the things I was feeling. I told him how lazy I was feeling, how angry I had been for no reason, how I was not interested in sex at all, and also how much I now hated my body.

I’ve been reading a lot online and talking to friends about this. Some signs pointed toward the “baby blues” diagnosis and some was the postpartum depression. I’m worried because my mother, father, and both sisters are all on anti-depressants. I’m wondering if maybe that made me more likely to have stronger emotions with this postpartum time of my life. I made an appointment for my Dr. to discuss this because my husband and I agree we can’t just let this go on and continue to argue over these things. Has anyone else went through any of this? Is there any kind of advice that helped anyone with the same issues? I just want to know I’m not the only one.

the pictures are of my belly today at 3 mo and 3 days post partum and our daughter Lily at 3 months old

Rocking the Boat (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breech Baby, Cesarean, Complications During or After Birth, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Pregnant, Submissions 13 Comments

Rocking the boat (Anonymous)

My son is now 20 months old (I’m 27) and is the most AWESOME gift life has ever given me, aside from my husband, yet I am still having a hard time overcoming a tough bout of post-partum depression. Before the birth of my son, I was a super-fit triathlete, vivacious and die-hard optimist, fresh out of college and had just started my own small business. I had a clear plan for myself and my future and was having a ball being the single social butterfly. Suddenly everything changed. My future husband and I conceived our son after a mere 4 months of dating, but decided we were in it for the long haul and decided to marry when I was 7 months pregnant. Talk about a scary start!

My pregnancy was fairly normal, just NOTHING what I had expected! I always romanticized the idea of pregnancy, always assuming I would be at a place in my life where a baby would be the icing on the cake. This was hardly what I had planned! I decided that I wanted as natural a delivery as possible- we’re talking NO drugs, IVs, post-birth eye drops- the whole shabang! Unfortunately, my plans were dashed the day I went in for my 36 week checkup and found that my son was breech. Again, my plans were turned upside down. The natural delivery plan was shot to hell, but I tried to keep my chin up and go with the flow. I opted out of an external cephalic version to avoid the risk of early delivery and to see if my son would turn on his own. I tried everything I heard of to encourage him to turn in an attempt to salvage my birth plan. I tried shining a flashlight down my stomach to encourage him to follow the light, laying inverted on an ironing board,
diving into a pool, even moxibustion and accupuncture! My efforts were all in vain. I even held out on a scheduled c-section until a week past my due date just to see if during the last few days he might still turn. That was no easy task, considering I was still working up until the day before I gave birth, standing for 8 hours a day and having gained 60+ lbs!

Five days past my due date, my water broke early in the morning and I scampered into the bathroom as fluid rushed down my legs. I noticed that there was a funny color to the fluid and immediately thought of what it must be- meconium. Not a good sign. Even so, I was elated that I was able to experience a small bit of a normal labor and will always cherish those last few moments that I was alone with my son still inside me. Knowing that meconium could be inhaled by the baby and cause complications, we rushed to the hospital to begin the cesarean delivery I had so dreaded. I relished the feeling of contractions and welcomed them, and felt calm spread over me as I accepted the situation ahead.

The c-section was actually pretty easy and I surprised myself that I was so calm. I tried to ignore my feelings that the doctors were rushing too much, that they weren’t paying attention to me, that I was just another surgery that morning. The whole thing progressed like a well-oiled machine. There was no soft lighting, no spiritual music playing, no SOUL to the whole event. I just let the doctors do their thing as I laid down and tried to breathe normally as the epidural affected my diaphragm and lungs. I didn’t even recognize my husband when he sat down next to me and held my hand. I was shocked when I asked the doctors if they had started yet and they said,” Oh yeah! We’ve got a hold of his legs! Now there’s a big baby!” (At 9.5lbs, I should say so!) I saw my beautiful son and his bright pink face screeching for all the world to hear for a split second before he was whisked away. I don’t recall seeing him again for what seemed like hours. The drugs they gave me caused me to become violently ill and I vomited almost non-stop for several hours after the birth. I was so drugged up that I have almost no clear memory of the next few hours. Bonding with my son was a distant urge. I do recall being wheeled down to the NICU to see my son, and having to stop several times along the way to vomit. One stop was so violent that I felt a distinct POP in the stitches holding my stomach together. This didn’t seem to bother any of the doctors or nurses, despite the fact that the skin around the alleged POP was now bulging.

My son was being held in the NICU for reasons that remain unclear to me. They said that there was a concern over his circulation post-birth and they wanted to check out his heart (this really means that they wanted to use their fancy machines and keep any possible lawsuits at bay). My son was fine and they released him soon after, but I have no recollection of his homecoming. I do recall a nurse prodding me several times to get me to nurse him and finally threatening to give him formula if I didn’t liven up. I fought through the drugs and tried to nurse. Let me just say that overcoming two inverted nipples while on morphine was not the easiest thing I’ve ever done. Breastfeeding proved to be THE most challenging feat of my life! I summoned up every nursing consultant I could scrounge up before I left the hospital, and was given every tool and doo-dad to encourage breast feeding. My mother-in-law must have thought I was a total moron when it was nursing time and I whipped out my avalanche of tools! Despite about 4 bouts of mastitis, cracked and bleeding nipples, latching problems and SEVERE engorgement (A cup to a D+!), I managed to breastfeed for an entire year! If my hubby hadn’t prodded me along and given a mountain of support, I might have quit after two weeks. It was a NIGHTMARE. I didn’t know a single other mother who had such a hard time of it. Nobody could compare stories with me or even come close!

Overcoming the c-section was a cakewalk compared to the struggles I had breastfeeding. It was so painful I actually used my leftover pain meds for the c-section recovery to make it through a nursing session. Since my brand-new hubby was still in law school and studied all day and all night, I was pretty much on my own with the baby. I suffered such exhaustion that I would lay on the couch weeping and say that I just wanted to die. I was also concerned over the strange bulge on one side of my birth scar, as well as the deflated balloon I had for a belly and the 30+ lbs I still had to lose.

Even a year and a half later and only 5lbs away from my pre-baby weight (pretty darn good, right?) I still have a few body issues. What mom doesn’t? Mostly I am struggling with my sense of self, the identity I am remodelling and the new life I have. I try not to seem ungrateful for all the blessings I have in life, but at the same time I struggle to find the “old” me, if she even exists anymore. With such a tumultuous start to my marriage, an unplanned pregnancy, unwanted cesarean, troubles breastfeeding and now a diagnosis of a prolapsed uterus and possible hernia, it’s a wonder I can carry on a normal conversation! Things are actually a lot better than they sound here, but I still have tough days. Completing my first triathlon at 5 mos post-partum was a real boost for me and something I remain proud of. It’s good to know that I have family and a great husband I can count on, as well as the awesome advice and inspiration from strong women like you! Shape of a Mother ROCKS!!!

Marks of Life (Shi)

Bonnie (SOAM) Activism, Body Image, Collaborative, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 1 Comment

~Your Age: 25
~Number of pregnancies and births: 2 at time of writing this, currently now have three!
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: at the time my boys were 2.5 and 1 month old. They are now almost 5, 2.5, and 7months

I wrote this back when you had a post about writing a letter to your body. I had sat down and let my feeling flow, and this is what I ended up with. I hadn’t posted this, since it was written only for me and was privet but found it recently and re-reading actually made me tear up. I am now a Mommy to three boys, and I love my body and all the marks of life it holds. I thought some might benefit from reading this :) I am a Mommy, and I look like one!

Dear Body,

Wow, this is a really great idea, something that almost anyone I know would likely tell me I DON’T need to do, that I am one of the “lucky few”, that having to even think of doing this is beyond ridiculous. But I am human, and no matter how perfect I may seem to someone else, we women are always able to see any and all flaws. Its funny that I make excuses for why others look worse, or that they look that way, but I never should have…I didn’t have too. I do try so hard, and I DO love you body, your beautiful, I love your shape, and you have done amazing things for me. Those two boys you nurtured are the most precious things in my life. Its funny that I KNOW I have a lot less marks than most people, and that I don’t have that extra skin, or extra fat, but every now and then thoughts will creep into my head about how I WOULDN’T have them if I’d only taken better care, exercised MORE (How the heck can a pregnant Mom of a toddler exercise MORE that 3 times a week!!) I SHOULDN’T have ate so much at the end in fear of not being able to Home Birth because my baby was small, I should have LOADED that oil on like I did the first time, how silly of me.

The worst part of all is that one single skinny, stretch mark free person can take all the pride I have put into my marks, and challenge it. I LOVE them, they are like an art to me, a scar to remember something amazing, and yet every now and then I can see one picture of one person, and my heart will sink…I WAS that person, I could STILL be that person. The stupid thing is I AM that beautiful Mom, I do have that great post babies body, I look amazing….but somehow I look in the mirror and compare it to society’s “perfect” that was staring at me in that picture.

Why did I put so so much pride after my first baby in the fact that I was tiny AND mark free???? How is that something to hold so much PRIDE in???? SO WHAT if the guys could look at me at the beach, and never know I had a baby….with MY body people can look at me at the beach and KNOW that I have babies…and I still look good!!! I have my man, and I have my babies, and I am NOT looking to attract more shallow men to stare at my sexy figure. I AM A MOMMY, I am striving to have my BABIES stare at me in awe!!! I want my husband and my kids to be attracted to ME, to my love, to my devotion, to my life. How is some random person thinking for a random moment that “wow, she didn’t get any stretch marks” some how a greater reward that my SON, and my HUSBAND running their hands over my life marks, and looking in awe at a map that shows the amazing road I have traveled, the amazing things I have done, the love that I shared when I shared my body with another human, a precious baby, to nourish them, and to give them LIFE, how could I NOT have wanted some outward sign to cherish these moments?

I have two wonderful, giggling, amazing boys, I have a husband who loves me and says to me that my marks “remind me of how much you sacrificed for our family”, he can look at my naked form, and remember each time that great big belly so full of life and love, and remember the moments I nourished our little ones in our womb. Why would I prefer that he be able to look at me for the remainder of my years and remember NOTHING of that time, or have no “motherly, womanly” features to admire, but rather to just see a hot wife, who didn’t change even while giving birth to two of his sons? He loves it, as do I, and when I question this, it actually hurts deep in my soul, like the greatest cheat I have even done to my own life.

I know that I love them, it is only the pictures of naked scar free, post baby bellies that makes me wince, and feel jealousy for a small amount of time. I can proudly walk the swimming pool with my two boys by my side, in my bikini with my marks for all to see, then suddenly a day later, I can see a picture, and wonder if maybe I am wrong, and I should buy a more covering suit, and hide these marks that some may think are a deep imperfection, and a flaw that occurred in my flesh. HOW MUCH MORE WRONG COULD THOSE THOUGHTS BE!!!!!?????? How much more right I was when I was proudly wearing my real, home made, beautiful tattoos. Women will mark with ink their tribute to their child on their bodies. They find it beautiful to permanently etch in a name with a cold, vibrating little knife. I HOLD MY BABIES TRIBUTE DEEP IN MY SKIN, beyond the surface layer, with nothing fake, phony, or cheap. I hold the map of their entry into existence. I hold a map of my journey from one child to desperation for another, and agony, and tears, and prayer after prayer. And then these little lines appeared, this little piece of “Baby art” was drawn about my belly, as that child I longed for, I prayed for, and I agonized for grew, and grew, and grew, as God fulfilled each one of his deep promises to me and as i lived in awe and unending gratefulness, and as he etched within my body, onto my womb which held these children, a sign that will never disappear, some marks that will be with me for the rest of my days, amazing, beautiful, pieces of my soul, shown right there, in that place where these miracles took place.

Would I ever go back and change a thing? You better believe….not a chance. They are as precious as the family they describe.

Februrary 24, 2008.

19 & Mommy 41 Weeks Pregnant and in Despair about PP Body (Ana)

Bonnie (SOAM) African American, Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Pregnant, Submissions, Teen Mom 14 Comments

I’m nineteen and african american. I have always been slim built 5’6 140lbs. I never really worked out i just thought i was blessed with good genes…i am*was* the slimest person in my family..i come from a family of big hipped women..but anyway i made it through the first 6 months of my pregnancy without stretch mark and i woke up one morning and found one…then two now i have a belly full of them and all i can think is my body will never be the same..i wont be “sexy” anymore goodbye sexy boyshorts..hello granny panties..it haunts me being i am so young. my mother doesnt seem to understand and my fiance i dont think gets it he loves me just the way i am*so he says* but hes military and only sees me every few months when he’s not deployed…i feel like i will be lettin him down and other women who’s bodies arent disgusting like mine is sure to be shortly from now will intrest him more. I try not to think about it much but i am scheduled for an induction sunday [6/14] and though i look forward to the birth of my son..i dread how my body will look after. i know its vain but i cant help it. here are some pics of me ranging in order from six months until now. the last are pics of what i looked like before

Slowly Gaining Self-Acceptance (Becc)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 5 Comments

I am 23 and have 2 beautiful boys. My eldest is 6 and my youngest is 10 months. I have always been a larger shaped women and with a husband my height, my body issues have been hard to deal with, knowing we are around the same weight. After having my youngest, I feel as if I have turned into a blob. My belly looks like a jellyfish has begun to house on it and I have the biggest apron. I had a c-section with my youngest which I wasn’t expecting. I know I need to exercise more but I don’t feel up to it when I have body issues. When I feel great and sexy, for some reason, I want to exercise and feel even better. When I am having a fat day, i just want to wallow. I feel better after finding this website and finding out that women feel the same way as me. I just want to accept me and feel great to be me. I have the 2 healthiest boys in the world, why can that not be enough??? I feel selfish and harsh for wanting more. Here is a photo of me taken today.

21 Year Old Who Feels Inadequate in Her New Body (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 19 Comments

When I got pregnant, we definitely were not planning it. I had got pregnant several months before our planned wedding date and as a result we pushed the wedding date way up and I was 3 months pregnant on my wedding day. I am still so ashamed that it happened that way. As a result, it was extremely hard, everything in the first year was so rushed, but I am so blessed that my husband endured it all with me and we came out on the other side. We were given a gorgeous baby boy, whom never ceases to amaze me. God has blessed us so much.

Now, that being said and done…I love being a mother, but after giving birth I really fell into a deep hole of depression regarding my body. I felt so disgusting, and unseen. It was like the world kept moving but I didn’t. I was fine the first month or so but then I hit a wall. I thought losing the weight wouldn’t be that difficult. I mean, I’m young, and most people I know my age that were my size were able to lose it fairly quickly…well, I wasn’t so lucky I guess. I had started out weighing 135 (5′ 10″ tall) and by the end of the pregnancy weighed in at a whopping 187 lbs. After I gave birth to my 8lb. 1oz., 20 in. baby boy, I lost about 20 lbs immediately, in the two weeks. I was pretty excited about that, but little did I know in the next 4 months I wouldn’t lose anything more. I even joined a gym and started working out 2 months after he was born, 2 days a week…and I mean pretty hardcore working out. I lost nothing. I got off birth control and lost 5 lbs. Since then I haven’t lost anything. It seems like no matter what I do, I can’t possibly lose another pound. It’s just hard feeling like what you want more than anything is unreachable. So if anyone has any encouragement for plateauing I’d deeply appreciate it. I just feel alone, this is my first child. It should be easier…

So, yeah…I’m working on myself. Trying to accept myself exactly the way I am, but It’s so hard. I don’t believe my husband when he tells me I’m beautiful. I feel like he’s watching all the other women out there who aren’t huge like me. I’ve officially become paranoid, and trust me I know this is unhealthy…so I’m posting on here because this site has been such an inspiration to me…and any kind words would help me realize that I am not as alone as I feel like I am. So does anyone out there identify with how I feel? OH and I must warn you…most of my baby weight went straight to my hips, butt, and legs. That’s where my genetics like them. haha and I also got stretch marks everywhere on my body…especially my belly and breasts. My stomach has a freaken basket weave texture now…and since my breasts went from a 34A to a 36C, I have what looks like sun rays coming out of them. haha

pic 1 …4 days overdue
pic 2-5…4 months postpardum

It’s Not Really So Bad (Autumn)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 7 Comments

Your Age: 29
Number of pregnancies and births: One pregnancy, one birth
The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 9 months

Today marks 281 days since my daughter was born. The same amount of time that she spent on the “inside”. I’ve been looking forward to this day, it feel momentous for some reason.

I look over the landscape of my changed body and I’m grateful that I’m not so changed that i don’t recognize myself but also thankful for the signs that my daughter once occupied my space. The day after her birth (by c-section, after 27 hours of hard labor) i saw my deflated belly in the mirror and thought “I have arrived”. My mind went back to all the mothers on this website and i knew that i was going to be
with the majority with my stretchy skin and mother’s “apron” and not one of the few who return to hard, flat bellies within a few weeks.

Silvery stretchmarks line my belly but they’re only visible in certain lights. In the blinding, brilliant sun they fade into the rest of my skin but in harsh overhead lighting they look like craters. But I’ve grown comfortable in the skin i’m in. I’m not saying that I’m about to get in a bikini and head down to the beach, but i also realize that I’m not in competition with 19 year old spring-breakers. I credit this website with the acceptance, and even love that i have for my new form. Before SOAM i hadn’t seen what a “real mother” looked like without her clothes off. My mom, through genes that somehow skipped me, had no stretchmarks and maintained a very svelte figure. So thank you to all of you for having the courage to post your photos and stories and for giving me the courage to love my jiggle and stretchmarks and even my c-section scar enough to do the same.

Photos-
1 – 40 weeks pregnant, I was HUUUUUGGEEE
2 – My 40 week belly, it was not a “pretty pregnant belly”
3 – Today, sucking in makes it look worse
4 – Today, letting it go makes it look smoother
5 – Today, in the right light everything looks pretty good
6 – My daughter, the reason for this post in the first place.

Not a Mother, Yet… Or Ever? (Tatiana)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Question, Submissions 27 Comments

I am 26 and engaged to marry a wonderful man next year. Just a couple of days ago he told me that his utopia would be to marry me and have a baby with me. The thing is, this is not necessarily my idea of an utopic life. I love traveling, I love being able to just leave and get in a plane or drive cross-country for no reason other than my desire to do it. For the longest time I used to proclaim that I’d have six children, but the more time gets near for my marriage, and the more I think about it, the less I want to be pregnant. I ran into this website and I see all your bodies and they look gorgeous to me, stretchmarks and all. However, I don’t want them on MY body. I don’t feel “called” to have a baby inside me, and I shiver at the thought of settling down and be tied down to a kid. I sound horrible, I know, and I feel so bad about not feeling this “call” that the rest of my girlfriends are getting. :(

The idea of a gestational surrogacy crosses my mind all the time. And then, I think I’m waay too proud and controlling to let another woman carry my child. Noone could do it better than me, right?

I’m certain the issues of abandonment from my father and the guilt-trips of my mom contribute to me being scared sh*tless when contemplating the thought of motherhood. And I don’t wanna have a kid just cuz my future husband wants it. I want to have that desire, but it’s just not there.

Am I a horrible woman? Did any of you feel this way and things changed after you had your baby? Any of you would have chosen a gestational surrogacy if it could’ve been possible?

10 Months Update VCC (Angelica)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 3 Comments

My age:22
# of pregnancy: 1
months pp: 10

Hi
i already posted pictures of my new figure when i was 2 months and 4 months pp and the title is VCC. I want to share this new pictures with you because this journey isn’t easy, it takes time to adjust and to accept this new “era” of my life, my husband always tells me that i am beautiful and that he loves me no matter what, y am happy with my life God gave the most precious gift, my baby girl.
before i was pregnat i was size 7, i still fit in almost all my pants and i am decided not to buy any other size because i don’t wnat to gain weight i want to loose 5 kilos. I still can buy size 7 but they just don’t fit the way they used to fit me!
So here are my pictures 10 months pp, i see a tiny difference between these and the last pictures
dont you??
Thank you!!!

Battling Myself Over Surgery (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Question, Submissions 13 Comments

I am a 30 yr old mother of 3, ages 10, 7 and 8 months. I have always been self-conscious about my body but now more then ever. I am coming to terms with my mommy body however I have never been happy with my breast. I have always been almost a “b” cup but since my third child my breast are barely existent and hang low and flat. I am contemplating surgery because I think it will help me feel better about myself. I have always felt less of a woman for my lack of breast but especially now. I hate being in a room with women because i feel ashamed and like a child. Im battling myself though because I dont want to be a weak person and resort to extreme measures, it seems so vain. I wish I could be confident with my body but it has been 30 years and I just cant. I have suffered from depression nearly all my life and my self image as contributed to it. I wish I was stronger but Im just not, am I wrong for wanting surgery? What kind of message am I sending my daughter? Is it worse for her to see me miserable with my body and embarrassed or to see me modify myself? I dont want large breast, I just want to look normal and feel beautiful.