Postpartum

Baby Fever is Real (Serenity)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, Complications in Pregnancy, Endometriosis, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 12 Comments

Picture 1 is me and baby #1 at 1 month
Picture 2 is me and baby #2 at 6 months
Picture 3 is me and both boys baby #2 is 1 wk (not a great picture, but one I am proud of)
and finally Picture 4 is an old family picture.

Good morning.

I am a mother of 2 wonderful little boys (2 and 4) I haven been pregnant twice, but lost a twin in my 2nd pregnancy. My first pregnancy could not have gone better, along with my delivery, my body knows how to make big healthy babies. I had a few complications during my 2nd pregnancy, started with the miscarriage(Moderate blood loss), then early labour at 25 wks, had an aneurism burst on my placenta at 30 wks (low-moderate blood loss), and then I was pre-eclamptic from 32 wks until 6 weeks post partum. The worst part was the blood pressure, but was able to control it with medication, and have no issues now (24.5 mnths pp)

Despite any complications, I took it in stride, and loved my pregnancy, I was told just a couple weeks ago that I handle pregnancy very well with minimal complaining.

I have always wanted to be a mom, I’ve known that since I was a small child, I took on the mother role for my 3 siblings very young, and I always wanted 4 children, and wanted to be finished having kids by 26. ( I am now 24)

I was diagnosed with endometrioses at 15, my mother also had it, started having symptoms at 24, and needed a hysterectomy by 34. With the amount of scar tissue being removed yearly, my doctor wasnt sure what the likelihood of healthy pregnancies would be. Menstruation was becoming a terrible experience. Like I said my first pregnancy couldnt have been better!! Delivered a 8lb 8oz baby naturally with 6 bearable hrs of labour, and 2 pushes. He was born Nov 07, and my period didnt return until Sept 08, it was wonderful. The periods I was having were irregular, and not overly uncomfortable, and then we got pregnant again the end of Jan/beginning of Feb 09, Gave birth to a healthy baby boy Oct 09, and period came back about April 10, and the last 3 months have been devastatingly painful again.

At the beginning of our relationship I was very upfront with my husband in letting him know I wanted 4 kids, and want to start tomorrow (i am lucky I’m not still single) and here we are 5 yrs later, arguing about #3. He all of a sudden has no interest in anymore children, and I am in a very tough place to be in. I want another baby, and am having physical “symptoms” I have been on the pill since Jan 2011, and was completely “dried up” in Feb. I have recently started lactating (after increasing the dose of the pill) I get emotional at the announcement of a new pregnancy, I am becoming bitter toward women who complain their husbands want more, and they’re done, and that is not the person I am. My uterus aches (literally) at the thought of pregnancy. I am fearful the longer we wait not only is it going to be harder on my youngest, but the new baby will be left out alot, since the first 2 are almost exactly 24 month part, and have an amazing bond. I still have all my baby stuff, and have even started purchasing baby girl items (Yes I know this is Crazy, and I question myself about it, and yes my husband knows) I am not one of those women who would consider “tricking” my husband into having another baby, I dont want him to resent me, or the new baby, but I really feel my clock ticking, and dont want to lose the opportunity to have another baby, because I am not sure I could forgive my husband for that.

If anyone reading this physically cannot have a baby I truly pray my post doesn’t offend you, I do truly love and cherish the 2 beautiful children I have, and of course would be happy if thats all I was given. But I am literally aching for another baby. I have done my best to project that to my husband, and just not sure what else to do.

Thanks everyone for listening, I dont have alot of people in my life to talk to openly, I am always having to guard myself, and filter my words.

4 Years Later… I Am Still Afraid of Showing My Body (Natalie G)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 1 Comment

Age 26
Number of pregnancies : 2 preg. 1 birth
Child: 4 years old. 48 months 1 week PP

Four years and 1 week ago (as of 11/08/11) I gave birth to the most amazing kid in the world. My son Jacob, who is the sweetest little boy ever, weighed in at 9lbs 11 oz and 21.5 inches long. He was 11 days early. I went to the dr on October 29 and I was at 80% effaced and 3 cm dilated. He was going to induce me on Monday November 5th. Apparently my little guy heard that and said NOPE! I am coming out in 2 1/2 days! I had a bloody show on Weds, Halloween, Oct 31, 2007. thought it wasnt much and dr’s assistant told me to roll on the exercise ball. So I went to the movies that night, with my mom and mother in law. We went to dinner first and then I started to have contractions. When we got out of the movies, my mom asked me how I was. I said, im having contractions. Her reaction… “you’re not in labor. We have been to the hospital 3 times for false labor! you’re fine!” So we went home at around 10:20. About 12:45 i went to the kitchen and had some pepsi. Went back upstairs and went back to bed. Around 2:16 I woke up to a huge POP! I thought maybe my bladder had exploded. I ran to the bathroom down the hall and grabbed my underwear. It was my water breaking! I yelled down the hall to my mom who didnt answer because she was asleep. Ran to her room, dripping all the way. “MoM! My water broke! Here’s my undies to prove it!” I called my husband as I got ready to go to the hospital. I said to him “hey im having your kid! get to the hospital!” (we were separated at the time) So we got in the van and I texted my best friend and called my mother in law (who would coach me thru the birth). We got to the hospital around 3:15 ish. I was 4 cm and 95% effaced. So then my husband showed up. I was having the worst back labor. My mom and my husband were making bets on the weight of the baby. Around 5 I had the epidural because the back pain was so bad and then my mom decided to go home and take a shower and nap. She would come back around 7. My mother in law joined us at 5:15 and helped me thru that. Around 650 my mom was just half a mile down the road with a breakfast sandwich for my hubby . He called her and said “mommy shes ready to go.” I was at 9 cm and ready to go. I pushed for 2 hours and then around 9:15 my dr said he would use the vacuum. The first one didnt work… so he tried another. Then that didnt work because my baby had so much hair. so he said I could keep pushing or use the forceps. So I chose the forceps to get the baby out. Apparently he had done an episiotomy on me (which i didnt want but no choice in the matter!) At 9:40 my baby boy was born and he was a BIG BABY for 11 days early! My mother in law and my husband were with me the whole time while my mom sat on the side (she didnt wanna see my va jay jay because she was scared lol). Dr was cleaning me up and I asked how big he was. 9 pounds! 11 ounces!? that is one BIG BABY! But he was perfect!!!!!!! So thats my birth story. My son is now 4 and is in preschool. He wants a sister but that’s not coming through anytime soon! I love my son with all my heart. I would not change it for the world.

First photo: 4 years 1 week PP
2nd photo: My baby after he was born
3rd photo: me at 2 weeks pre birth
4th photo: my son at 4 years old

Sad Moments (Anon)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Breasts, First Pregnancy, Legs, Postpartum, Submissions, Update 26 Comments

Previous post here.

Hello SOAM I nvr thought id be writing soi soon, but I’ve been having some real sad moments the past few weeks, where I’ve come real close to giving up hope, with thoughts of me never regaining the confidence I once had. I’m 2 months post partum and felt better when I was 3 weeks. Some persons who see me, knowing I recently gave birth can only comment on how fat I’ve gotten. That really hurts. And even when others tell me I don’t look like I had a baby just 2 months ago, the “u look so fat” remarks are what settle.

Right now I’m at my boyfriends house, and without thought, I’m living part of a nightmare I had when I just found the stretch marks on my belly. Where I couldn’t find my self undressing in front of him any more, I’m sure he notices, We don’t live together, its a long distance relationship, so seeing each other doesn’t happen often. This visit is the first in a long while, and I’m not very excited. I just want to go home. Home, where I can be alone, and be sad by myself. Where I don’t have to worry about killing his vibe for me. Where I can look in the mirror and criticize my body.

Having a baby changes everything. I never thought it’d change so much. Never knew such a happy event could make me feel so down. I can’t help but feel extremely sad when I see the way my body went to a whole new dimension right before my eyes. It is still too early to give up hope. But some days that is exactly what I feel like doing. I evn gained weight and inches :-( . My breast are now sagging. One is way bigger than the other, I’m no longer sexually appealing.

Because of all that, I’m slowly loosing my libido. The last time we had sex was in April, at that time I was still very sexy. Now that I’ve delivered a 8lb 4oz baby, and my body gone, no doubt, my hole is bigger and he’ll hate it. He’s a man. How much longer can he go without sex? Will he enjoy it the way he did? I’m nervous. I’m sad.

Being a mother is great, knowing my baby is being nourished from the one breast tht he loves, makes me happy. Knowing tht my now ugly belly kept him safe gives me closure, n makes me know it’s like this for a beautiful reason. But at times I can’t help but feel sad.

Over the weeks, since I’m a mom, I notice that all young moms aim is to look like what they used to. I think its sad how we allow society and celebrities to dictate what we look like wen we hv kids. And hv us worried, and stressed out.

Its as if we are slaves to beauty, when true beauty comes from within, from us bearing our children. I’m greatly affected by my changed body, and there isn’t much tht I could have done differently, I would not have done anything differently. Nothing’s more important than having a healthy baby.

I’ll start exercising soon, I’m afraid I’ll get sick if I over exert my body. And then I won’t be there for my baby. So far my bf doesn’t seemed bothered by the way I look. He still assures me tht I’ll soon look the way I used to. Embracing my mommy bod, cellulite, stretch marks fat, not being able to wear a mini skirt cuz of stretch marks on my calves and thighs, not being able to wear a bikini anymore isn’t easy and I know I’ll nevr look the way I used to but I have the hope of coming close.

Ps thanks for ur encouraging coments in my previous post – Sad but not giving up hope.

1st 2 pics: me in April
3rd pic: pre preggo breasts
4th pic: breasts now
5th & 6th: belly n boobs
7th pic: me sitting down
8th pic: me in clothes
9th pic: me n my hunny bun
10th & 11th pic: thigh stretch marks
12 & 13 pic: calf stretch marks

My Angel (Shanna)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Belly, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 10 Comments

Age: 32
3 pregnancies, 2 Cesareans, 1 Abortion
Children aged 10 & 8

I had my children in 2001 and 2003. Both of my children are boys and they are the best things that have ever happened to me. I was a single mom for the majority of their lives as their Fathers wanted nothing to do with them. Then after many years and being told I couldn’t get pregnant again, I met the man I always dreamed of! After a short 6 months of dating, I found out I was pregnant.He didn’t want kids of his own. After the abortion, I went through a long period of depression and grief. It is still hard at times, but I am working through it. We are still together, which is nothing short of a miracle. I wrote this letter to my lost one in hopes of easing the pain

My Angel,

I have tried to envision you here with me. I have tried to erase your brief, fleeting memory from my mind, heart and soul. I have tried to forget that you ever existed, that you were part of me. I have tried to make my womb forget you as well. I have tried to ignore you. I have tried to change time, to go back in my mind….. To change the life altering and life ending decision that I made.

You are not the only one who suffered because of my actions. I too have suffered, although my suffering is well deserved. A part of me died the moment you were sucked and scraped out of the safety of my womb.

I torture myself every day with my choice, my inability to correct it, the finality of it all. I both comfort and torture myself playing out your almost was life in my dreams. Were you the Daughter I always dreamed of…..? Would you have been my third Son….? What would you have looked like….? Me or him?

It is difficult for me to know that next month you would be celebrating your 1st Birthday. You would be walking by now, Exploring the world around you. I would be watching you in amazement, proud of all you had accomplished in your first year of life. You would fall asleep in my arms, with your chubby little arms wrapped around me. You would be sleeping peacefully while I smelled your hair and felt blessed to have you in my life. My heart would soar when you said your first word and I would brag to everyone how smart you are. I would shed tears the first time you said mama. My heart would break the first time you got hurt and I would feel helpless when ever you got sick. I would put on a brave face and bite back tears every time you got your shots. I would creep into your room at night and make sure you were still breathing and smile if I accidentally woke you up, then I’d rock you back to sleep. I would sing you lullabies when no one could hear me. I would stare at you in awe for I had created you and that is a miracle. I would have been proud to be your mommy.

All that is nice, I know. But I also know that none of that matters. It doesn’t matter what I would have done… All that matters is what I DID do and that I DIDN’T do the ONE thing that I was supposed to do… And that was to protect you. I can say I am sorry every minute for the rest of my life and it would never be enough. On October 5th, 2009 I found out I was pregnant with you. Immediately, my hand caressed my tummy. You had already started to change my body, my breasts were full and my tummy firm at the bottom where you were, safe in my womb. I had a feeling before that day that I was pregnant, but the impossibility of it pushed it from my mind. As I walked to your Daddy’s home, my mind raced with all the possibilities that you would bring. I didn’t know how everything was going to work out, how I would be able to afford you. But, I knew the most important things… I knew that I already loved you, fiercely. I knew that I wanted you, forever. I knew that you were part of me, my body, my heart and my soul… you were mine. I knew that your big brothers would love you and protect you. I knew that I had done it before, raising your older brothers without any help and not much money. Then why did I do it? I was madly in love with your daddy. On one hand, what I did was selfless…. I wanted to make him happy, no matter how it made me feel. On the other hand, my actions were selfish… I was in love and didn’t want to lose him, regardless of what it meant for you and your life. I don’t believe in Heaven, but if there is one, I know that’s where you will be.. A life cut short, so full of promise, a symbol of hope and love, a miracle from my body.

If I could tell you anything it is this…. I am sorry that I treated you as if you were a parasite, a curse. I am sorry that I chose to not have you but chose to have your big brothers, that is wrong. I am sorry that I will never know you as what you were meant to be; my child. I am sorry that I killed you before you had a chance to live. I loved you from the moment that you were known about. I am sorry that I failed you and had you thrown away in a dumpster. I am sorry that you are my dirty little secret. I am sorry that I cannot say that I did what I thought was best for you.

So, as I sit here every day and mourn you… a nameless, faceless child of mine… I must give you a name and a birthday…. You deserve that, at the very least. If you were a girl, I would have named you Nevaeh. If you were a boy, I would have named you whatever your Daddy chose. I can’t say what because it was never discussed. All I have for a birthday is your due date… June 5th 2010.

Love,
Me

Getting There Finally! (Heidi)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions, Teen Mom, Update 12 Comments

Previous post here.

19 years old
1 pregnancy, 1 birth
9.5 months PP

When I first wrote back in May, I was really in a rough spot with my weight and self-esteem issues. I still don’t feel I’m at my “ideal” weight, but I do feel a lot better about myself.

My Stats as of 10/31/11:

Height:
5′ 2″ (hasn’t changed a bit, haha!)

High Weight:
157 lbs.

Weight before pregnancy:
134 lbs.

Current Weight:
129 lbs. (whoa!)

Goal Weight:
110 lbs.

I feel amazing. My self-confidence definitely has boosted a bit, as has my overall mood. I’m still breastfeeding, but mostly pumping, because my son will just NOT sit still long enough to nurse. And he BITES now. Major ouch. Little guy has 4 teeth, has been crawling for awhile, and is cruising and standing very well, but he still isn’t confident enough to walk. I’ll be in trouble when he can though!

Don’t lose hope ladies, it can be done. I finally got off my butt and started exercising and keeping track of what I ate, and the weight started to come off. A couple months ago, I’d down 4 of the huge KitKat bars (the one that is 3 normal KitKats in one) and think nothing of it. That was pretty much the same as eating about 4 Big Macs (calorie-wise) and I didn’t even notice or care! And I ate more on top of that, KitKats were just a snack. Thinking of it now disgusts me, but I can’t say I don’t still crave tons of chocolate. I’m a chocoholic, and it’s made losing weight a challenge, but I use a calorie tracker, and only eat chocolate in moderation, so I’m usually pretty good about it. I also stopped drinking pretty much everything except water. Occasionally, I’ll have a diet soda or some juice, but I’ve noticed nothing really quenches my thirst like water does.

Oh, and I realized in my previous post, it mentioned my wedding date of Nov 12th. Lol, we changed that, we’re not getting married until sometime next year (hopefully!), things have gotten rough financially. He thinks I look great, btw. I still feel I need some work, but I won’t deny I’m looking okay these days.

Time for pictures! I know a lot of ladies are interested in tummies, I know I am lol. I’m striving for as slim as I can get my tummy, but still tons of work to do there!

1st pic: Full body 9.5 months PP (kinda standing on the toilet lol)
2nd pic: Laying down tummy tum tum 9.5 months PP
3rd pic: Standing up tummy tum tum
4th pic: My fiance and I at a Halloween party
5th pic: My (little) big guy Ruskin
6th pic: What I look like clothed (standing on the toilet again, I’m short!)
7th pic: My little panda dude
8th pic: My happy family (well, I look happy, haha)

Happy Halloween everyone! Stay Strong, you’re all beautiful! xoxo

Learning (Trying Really Hard) to Accept and Love Myself (Rebecca)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, Cesarean Scar and/or Incision, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

i am 21 and i have had 2 pregnancies and one birth.
this is my body 1 year post pregnancy/c section.

i was a self harmer before baby, so i have some scars mainly to my thighs, i had almost come to accept them when i got pregnant.

the babys father left when i was 6 weeks pregnant, one of the biggest issues i have with my body, is that the last time anyone saw it, it was perfect (bar the scarring) and i am scared because the next person to see it wont like it. i was happy with what i had, neat breasts, toned tummy, hourglass figure, size 14, i’m now trying (and getting close) to being happy with my size 16, lived in tummy, pear?shaped figure, and the boobies that have nourished my child for 1 year…and show it.

my c section scar is uneven, as it was an emegency section due to arriving at hospital 9cms dilated, waters bulging, with baby in transverse lie with the cord covering the cervix which would have meant cord prolapse if my waters broke. my c section scar is a constant reminder that i didn’t get the birth i desired also.

but this is me, i do love my body for how it grew my son and got him into the world. i’m just learning to love how it looks.

Proud Mother of 3 (Ash)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 6 Comments

age 24
3 pregnancies 3 births ages 3,1,and 4 months
4 months pp

I was married at 19 to my husband who was 17 a year later we had our first then a year after that my second child, then 3 months after giving birth to her I got pregnant with my third who I gave birth to 4 months ago. I have 2 sons and a daughter. I am very confident! I wasn’t always like this is took alot of time to myself thinking about things and realizing what was more important. I am saddened to see all the women on the site so mean to themselves and bashing their beautiful bodies. God made you so you must be perfect then!!! I want my daughter to grow up knowing natural is beauty and to never let some supposed flaw stop her from happiness and love. I know I am going to enjoy my life and the body I have because one day I will be a lil old lady with saggy boobies and old wrinkly skin and you know what??? I don’t care lol lol I just want to live a happy full life and I won’t waste a second crying over some silly thing like stretch marks!!! I don’t care what the world puts up all over the place of what it thinks women should look like! I am a woman and this is what I look like so I am the right look not some fake bimbo on porn lol. I think all you women are soooo beautiful in your own special way and we should all embrace our special uniqueness!! I also say in the end it won’t be how your body looked that mattered, it will be what you used your body for in life, hugs, kisses, cuddles, to help another in need!!! Besides one day and it’s a fate we will all come too your body will no longer belong to you it will be buried deep within the ground and all along it was just a tool to live life and get all the love and happiness under God as you could!!! I want to say I love you my 3 beautiful angels I am so blessed from God and I love my husband who holds me at night and sees the person I am on the inside, Love me for my heart not my body!!!!

Surprise Pregnancy & 3 Weeks Post Partum (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Submissions 8 Comments

Age: 21
Pregnancies and Births: 1
Child: 3 weeks old

January 2011
Plans are moving along, Just ordered my wedding dress and invites, had a wonderful weekend away with my fiance. Next week, got confimation that everything was ordered. End of the week I didnt feel right. (Let the fun start) I took a pregnancy test and it was postitve! So many thoughts run through my mind, “not ready, cant do this, why now, not me, Im scared, I dont want this!” I was so scared I ened up calling an abortion help line. I felt a little better after talking with someone, but still unsure. That whole week I felt sick. I think it was the fact I just found out.

April 2011
A few months since find out I was pregnant, Im very happy. Going for my first ultrasound soon, and cant wait to finally see my baby. I found, besides drinking alot of water for my ultrasound and having to pee really bad, it was amazing! As the session was ending, the tech said there is a “third leg”. From being in awe of everything that was going on my responce to that was ” omg it has a deformity!!” Not thinking “IT’S A BOY!” :)

July 2011
So I was supposed to get married this month. But I ddint want to while being pregnant. I want to fit into my dress. So we are waiting until next july.

October 2011
My due date: Oct. 1st.
I went into false labor on the 1st. Ended up going into labor on the 3rd at 7:30am, got to the hospital at 9am. I was only 1-2cm dialated, I asked for demerol. Around noon I think the Dr. checked me and I was about 4cm. She broke my water(that was a wird feeling) Then they got me to walk to the delivery room, gave me some laughing gas. They checked me again I was about 6-7cm. I know I was in pain but I dont remember the pain… Then feeling the need to push they checked me again. I was ready to have this baby. It all went by so fast for me. The last feeling I remember is a burning feeling and… then our baby was here! Cant believe I did it. He was born at 3:01pm and 7lbs 6.8oz.

3 Weeks Post Partum
Im loving life!! I may be in need for sleep! But I wouldnt change a thing! I love our little boy! But looking at my body, it has taken some beating. I gained about 40 pounds… I have lots about 30 pounds since having my baby. There is days I feel down, looking they way I do since my body is changing again. When I do look at myself in the mirror I try to think about what I did, I created life. Im proud of what I was able to do, knowing there is women out there who would love to be able to give birth to a baby.

14 Months Postpartum After Second Birth (R)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Surgical Scar (Non-Cesarean), Update 3 Comments

Previous post here.

Name: R.
Age: 29
Number of births and pregnancies: 2 pregnancies, 2 births (both natural, vaginal)
Postpartum: 14 months since the youngest’s birth

I had my first child 2 1/2 years ago. I had laproscopic gall bladder removal surgery at 6 weeks postpartum.
At 11 months postpartum, I got pregnant with my second child. I am currently 14 months postpartum since the second child’s birth.

I Just Don’t Feel Good Anymore (Tawnya)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 20
Number of births: 1
Age of child: 1 year

My name is Tawnya, I just turned 20 and I’m a mother of a beautiful 1 yr old girl. I was 120lbs before I got pregnant, I was in a size 3. I gained 80lbs during my pregnancy. I’m just struggling with the way my body looks now (I’ve only lost 30lbs), I have stretchmarks everywhere and I just found out that I’m pregnant again. My family told me not to worry that I was young and my body would bounce back into shape, so I waited and waited nothing happened. I feel so ashamed of my body now and it seems like no one understands at all. Some of my friends had babies too and they didn’t get horrible looking stretch marks or gained a bunch of weight, no they were back in their pre-pregnant clothes just weeks after having their children. My boyfriend doesn’t understand either he tries to but in the end he has no clue about how I feel. I try to fix myself up, do my hair, dress nice but I still feel repulsive. I was starting to feel a little better about myself when I was loosing weight, but when I found out I was pregnant again it devastated me. I feel like I’m never going to feel good about myself again and the way I feel about my looks is taking a toll on my relationship. I love being a mom don’t get me wrong but I hate what the process of becoming one did to my body. I just feel so alone in everything I’m going through. This is the first time I can actually freely express myself and I hope someone out there knows what I’m going through and can give me some advice.