Postpartum

Time Has Healed Me (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Child Loss, Four or More Pregnancies, Postpartum, Submissions 4 Comments

Previous post here.

Age: 29
4 pregnancies, 2 births
Children’s ages: 3 1/2 and 2 years old

I first posted to this site a year and a half ago. At the time I had a 6 month old baby and was struggling with what two pregnancies, in 18 months, had done to my body, as well as the hormonal throws of being postpartum. I was on my way to losing weight and getting back in shape.

However, shortly after I posted, I fell pregnant with what would have been our 3rd child in less than 3 years. The stress of the unplanned pregnancy, the extreme symptoms that came along with it and the financial strain of our growing family threw our life into a bleak and painful tailspin. My husband had to take time off work to take care of our children because my blood pressure was so low that I was bed bound from 6 weeks. We feared for how our family would continue to function. My husband turned against me under the pressure and our marriage began to break down.

In a devastatingly fortunate turn of events my symptoms started to fade just when he needed to head back to work. I wasn’t shocked when a routine ultrasound at 12 weeks showed the fetus had no heartbeat and had stopped growing at 10.5 weeks. Due to my immobility, in the 12 weeks I was pregnant, I gained 20 pounds. I also almost lost my marriage and decimated our finances. I was beside myself with grief, sadness and regret but I knew that wallowing in those feelings would do me no good. After all, we had two children relying on us, so we had no choice but to set out on a mission to put our lives back together.

A year and a half later, I can say that we have done that and more. We have been to the precipice and came back hand in hand. We know how to fight for our marriage and giving up is not an option. Through dedication and hard work, my husband got a new job with much more flexibility and better pay. I have lost 40 pounds and am feeling great!

I do yoga 2-3 times a week, eat in moderation, drink lots of water and make sure to get my fruits and veggies. I feel great about my body and my mind. I am a more patient, thoughtful mother since choosing to take care of myself and love myself.

If you look back at my previous post, there is a 20+ pound difference between then and now. But you can see my body is totally different due to gaining muscle tone from the yoga. I have stretch marks and lose skin, I except this about myself while working to improve the things I can. Time, patience and dedication will heal your body. It will heal your whole LIFE! Never give up on yourself, keep fighting to be the person you want to be and live the life you want to live. You are worth it and you can do it.

050914-anon-1

Struggling More Than Ever (Lee-Ann)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Submissions, Third Pregnancy 7 Comments

I’m really struggling with my body image, I always struggled but it’s worse than ever. I have never felt so horrible about the way I look. In my mind, I have the worst and ugliest body ever, to the point of tears, incredible sadness and depression. I just had my third and last baby almost 3 months ago and my biggest fear is that I will never lose the baby weight or be able to look in the mirror and be o.k. with what I see. I am nursing my little guy and so I can’t diet and/or possibly revert back to old ways ( starving ).

All this causes a huge strain in my marriage. See, with my first son, I was a single mom. With my second son, my husband died the week I gave birth ( we were in a bad car accident ) and so this time with this baby, it’s the first time dealing with the post baby body with someone who sees how horrible I look. With him, it’s even more difficult because for the first 3 plus years we were together, he wasn’t exactly loyal, there was a lot of damage done esp. in regarding my body image. He was always complementing other woman, looking at other women, saying how hot they were while I got nothing. I remember like it was yesterday, we went to a water park/hotel. Prior to the weekend we went, I told him how hard it was going to be for me to be in a swim suit in front of people and that I’d like it if he complimented me when he saw me in one. Well, I put my bathing suit on and got nothing. When we left our hotel room and got to the water park, he proceeded to drool over every other women there. Several times, I have put on lingerie and literally got nothing or at most a little look at that’s it. These are just 2 examples of MANY and I have such a difficult time letting go of all the times I “wasn’t good enough”. Before you ask me why I am with this man, let me explain something. Before me, his only other experience with a real woman was in high school and after that for about 10 years until he met me, all he had was porn, page 3 girls, magazines, strip clubs and his buddies who weren’t much better. The man was a pig and a thoughtless jerk and because of the porn and other smut, I believe he was a victim of what society does to men ( brainwashing them about what woman look like/what woman are for, just like we are affected by all the crap we are fed ). For the past 2 and a half years, he’s really changed/grown up. (at least I hope he truly has ) He won’t dare ogle other women ( at least not in front of me ), he’s extremely affectionate, he compliments me every day, he’s really attentive, is a wonderful dad and a hard worker for our family. But every time he looks at me, I am thinking of all the women he wanted/was attracted to and I know I can never measure up or be as good as them. And it kills me inside because all I want is for him to look at me and see the most beautiful woman ever ( which he claims I am ). I guess I am really stuck in how he use to be and afraid to trust that he really does love me and my body now or that I am what he wants, in spite of my flaws.

I hate!!! my middle, wish I didn’t have so many stretch marks or cellulite and my nipples look deformed to me…one is much lower than the other. After I gave birth, I was down to my pre-pregnancy weight within a few weeks but because of nursing, I eat and eat some more and have put on almost 10 lbs. So, as most women lose weight after a baby, I am gaining and this messes with my head. It doesn’t help that it’s a bad winter and can’t get out for walks. I am stuck at home, in p.j.’s, covered in vomit and it’s just hard to feel sexy/sexual. I try to look at my children and remember that my body did that….gave birth to 3 beautiful boys. I avoid anything that triggers me feeling worse about the way I look and of course, I am ever thankful for SOAM for showing me I am not alone. I just want to feel good in my own skin and maybe even one day, feel beautiful. Thanks for letting me share and for posting some pics ( I couldn’t decide which ones to post so I am sharing them all ). -Lee-Ann

Age-36
# of pregnancies-7/live births- 3
Ages of children- 18, 9 and almost 3 months

Mother of Three (Amerie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Complications in Pregnancy, Mothers with Health Complications, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Twins 3 Comments

2 pregnancies; 3 children; 3 months PP

I have lived 27 years. I have 3 beautiful children, a 3 year old boy and 12 week old identical twin daughters. I have an adoring, sexy husband whom I love. We have a healthy and whole relationship that makes me proud and happy.

I grew up with severe body issues. I was born with cleft lip and palate. I also had 2 open heart surgeries for a congenital heart defect by the time I was only a year old. I’m no stranger to body insecurity. I am used to being self-conscious and hyper-aware of my scars. After having my son and gaining 51 lbs on my 5 ft. frame during my first pregnancy, I thought my body was destroyed. It took me a full year to lose the weight and another year to get fit and in shape. 3 months after that? I was pregnant again. I went into this pregnancy a little disheartened, thinking that I had just got my body back and it was about the be put through the ringer again. Surprise! I was pregnant with twins! Total and complete shocker. The pregnancy was incredibly hard on my body and my mental faculties. I was put on bed rest at 24 weeks, hospitalized with the flu and pneumonia at 30 weeks, diagnosed with Obstetric Cholestasis at 31 weeks, and finally delivered with an emergency c-section at 35 weeks, 5 days. My body was a wreck. My girls were both in the NICU. *I* was a wreck. Thankfully, they had no issues bar learning to eat on their own, so they were out within a couple weeks.

Obviously, I want my son to treat women well, to hold them in such high esteem and regard and to never make a single one feel shamed for their bodies. But it wasn’t until I had my own daughters that I realized that *I* was going to be responsible for something. Something huge. I will show my baby girls what it means to be a woman. What it means to be self-confident and what it means to really love yourself and the skin you’re in. Or I will show them how to tear themselves and other women down. I will give them the tools to cry while looking at their bodies in the mirror and wishing that what they saw was different. It was all left up to me, completely my choice. I made it without hesitation. My daughters will have a Mother that is strong and capable, one that has embraced herself, ALL of herself. I will teach them how to stand tall and to mean it; and I will speak to them of the absolute importance of uplifting others.

First? I had to begin to walk the walk, so to speak. I have been working towards just that. Clean eating. Healthy living. Working out. Being active. Being better for my children and our family. For myself. I still have a ways to go, as I am only 3 months PP. I also have a 3 inch diastasis recti separation that I’m not sure what to do about at this point. But I’m not really worried about it. I am embracing myself, all of myself. And it feels good. :)

Pictures L-R: 2 months PP and then 3 months PP (before/after with one month of extremely hard workouts and dieting). My beautiful girls. My precious little boy.

Feeling Hopeless (Brandie)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, Cesarean, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 6 Comments

Age: 30
Pregnancies: 2
Children: 5 yrs old and 11 months

I just turned 30 years old and I have two beautiful boys, one being 5 and one 11 months. I have always been relatively small throughout my life, so the changes that my body has encountered over the last 6 years have made me depressed. My first born was 8 pounds 3 ounces and his delivery was natural, though he gave me third degree tears. Last year I got pregnant with my second child and about 30 weeks along the doctor said I was measuring rather large and sent me for an ultrasound to get the his measurement, there I found out they predicted him to be 10 pounds 11 ounces. The doctor suggested that a c-section would be the best route considering the tearing that happened with the first. I ended up going into labor early and still had a c-section, he was 10 pounds 1 ounce. Needless to say, I was not expecting my body to look quite like it does now. But don’t get me wrong, I knew that I was not going to be small right after either. I wore that belly binder for two weeks and the doctor told me to take it off. I did. And since then I have been embarrassed and well downright depressed. I started working out, lasted a 1 1/2 months before I said forget it. The only parts of me that were getting toned were my legs and butt, nothing helped my stomach. It still sticks right out. I have been asked 5 times if I am pregnant. I am not sure what I can do to loose it, or slim it down at least. I don’t mind a little pooch but this makes me feel like I am 4 months pregnant. My belly is hard and when you press on it, it bounces back at you. I am not sure what to do, I have lost all of the baby weight and am the exact same weight I was prior to my second pregnancy. Any ideas would be great on how to make this go down.

First picture is when I was 8 weeks pregnant with my first born.
Second picture is me 16 weeks pregnant with my second.
Third picture is me 35 weeks with my second.
Fourth picture is me 11 months postpartum from my second.

Facing Forty (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) 5+ Years Postpartum, Belly, Eating Disorder, Mom over 30, Positive Body Image/Words of Enouragement, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 8 Comments

Age: 39
Children: 2, ages 10 and 5

I have had a love/hate relationship with my body for as long as I can remember. I grew up in a fairly volatile home – my bio dad passed away when I was very young and my mother remarried when I was six. My step dad and I always had a tenuous relationship – we fought a lot and he was quite verbally abusive – physical as well. I grew up hearing about how ugly, stupid, rotten, ungrateful and horrible I was. I believed every word. As I got older, I felt out of control and unloved in my own home. However, I learned early on that I could control one thing – my food and my body. I became obsessed with staying thin. I am a small person (only 5’2″) and have never thought I was thin (or good) enough. When I was in junior high I started dieting (though to be honest I remember watching my weight as early as 4th grade) and by high school I pretty much stopped eating. I would subsist on gum. I realized that I was only hungry if I actually ATE something – so I avoided food and tried to make it on as little as possible. I was never diagnosed with an eating disorder per se – but then again no one really knew the extent that I was avoiding food. On the flip side – when I finally did eat – I would binge. Entire boxes of cookies, or bags of candy – falling into a cycle of fast food and junk. Eventually I would begin to gain weight and I would start the process all over again. When I reached college age and moved out of the unhealthy environment of my parent’s home – I started to eat A LOT and gained quite a bit more then the freshman fifteen. I was traumatized and decided things were going to be different. So I cut back on the junk and began to exercise. Exercising changed my life. Unfortunately, I become obsessed with that too. If I thought I was going to miss an day of exercise I would become depressed. I restricted my food and increased my exercise. I was very thin – but it was never thin enough. I followed this pattern well into my twenties. Then I got pregnant. I gained quite a bit of weight quickly only to miscarry around 9 weeks. I was devastated – the loss of the pregnancy coupled with the weight gain completely set me off. I spent several weeks working out like crazy and eating little to regain control. I then got pregnant for a second time about 3 months later – and this one stuck. I gained almost 50 pounds with my son and it took me many many months to lose it. As soon as I could I started exercising again and making terrible food choices – lots of junk with salt and sugar. I finally lost the weight and got back to my pre-baby size – I felt really good about myself. While I was never able to truly kick my food/exercise cycle I was able to go about my life without constantly worrying about my appearance and what others thought. Five years later I had my second child and went through the same process as the first. I returned to the gym and took my first exercise class when my daughter was exactly 8 weeks old. I only felt in control at the gym – the rest of my life was a disaster with two kiddos, a husband that worked constantly and a touch of postpartum depression. Despite all of this, I quickly lost the 40lbs I gained with my daughter. I was so proud to put on my bikini that summer (i was 35) and show that I still had it. That was until I received an email from a girlfriend that said “women our age shouldn’t wear bikini’s – they look good on NO ONE.” I was immediately chastened and from that moment on never wore a bikini again. It was like someone had taken every insecurity I had and put it on display for the world to see. “I am fat, ugly and have been making a fool out of myself at the pool for the past 5 years.”

I wish I could say I walked away from that email and followed my own path – but I didn’t. I actually lost hope – stopped exercising – and decided she was right. I was old, fat and ugly – why bother. I gained 10lbs (which is a lot when you are short) and just felt discouraged. I spent a summer lounging at the pool in my tankini wishing I hadn’t spent the 10 years prior looking a fool in my bikini. However, this was not me. I went back to the gym, got healthy and lost the extra 10lbs and a few more. I felt better about myself. I felt almost (which is huge) in control of my eating and exercise. I felt like I could be thin, be healthy and NOT be obsessed. I will be 40 in July and feel like I am finally reaching a place where food and exercise do not control me. Don’t get me wrong – I still work out 5 times a week and watch what I eat – but I don’t let those things run my life. If I miss an exercise class or eat too much food I don’t spend days obsessing over it – I move on and realize that tomorrow is another day to make better choices. I recently traveled to Mexico with my family to celebrate some big milestones – my upcoming 40th birthday included. I felt happy and at ease with myself and my body – and purchased a new bikini for the trip. Maybe my girlfriend was right – and a women of my age shouldn’t be showing what two kids and a lifetime of gravity does to a body – but then again – maybe she was wrong. I had my husband take some pics of me just so I could remember what I looked like on this trip – and see the fruits of my labor – the Zumba, the Kickboxing, the Toning – and most importantly to realize that no – I’m not 20 – but I still look pretty darn good. I’m proud of myself – of my body – and the steps I’ve taken along way to minimize my bad choices and not let food or exercise (or really – what anyone else thinks) run my life. So – here I am – in my bikini at almost 40 – ready to share with the world my journey. Thanks for giving me a voice – even if I’m not quite ready to show my face. :-)

Obsessed with how I should have done better (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cosmetic and/or Reconstructive Surgery, Mom over 30, Postpartum, Second Pregnancy, Submissions, Twins 9 Comments

I fell in love and moved away with my military husband at 18. We had our 1st baby (a 10 lb-er) when I was 26- I was away from all of my family and friends and gained 70 lbs. I didn’t know anything about eating, stretch marks, etc. I thought it meant eating for 2 (or 3!) and just doing whatever I wanted. Then, the baby came and my body was covered with saggy, stretch marked skin. Then, 2 years later, the twins came. I took much better care of myself but still gained 45 lbs and carried them to 38 weeks (7.5 lbs & 6.5 lbs). What was saggy breasts and belly became saggy EVERYTHING (thighs, butt) and body acne. :( I struggled with post partum depression after both pregnancies (pretty severely) and a husband who was deploying regularly, dealing with his own extremely stressful life, and not knowing WHAT to do with his formerly beautiful wife. When the twins were 18 months old I had a “mommy makeover” even though I should have waited until I was done losing weight. (Background- I had a 3 inch muscle separation in my stomach, it hung past my crotch, and my boobs…oh my gosh my boobs) Now my twins are 5 and my oldest is 7 and even though I work out regularly & eat well I believe I still look terrible. I’m now obsessing over getting implants and scar revisions and laser skin treatments. I know how “Real Housewives” bull-crappy that sounds, but it’s how I feel. The crazy part is, when I look at all of the other women on this site, I truly believe they look beautiful and can’t believe how hard they are on themselves (except for the ones who look perfect, inexplicably :)). I’m making great strides in all areas of my life but this one. I’m enjoying my children so much now and becoming more and more happy with life but my husband is obviously unhappy with my body. Thanks for reading- I know how self involved this sounds- I’m really trying to get over this and this is the 1st step- I’ve been thinking about submitting here for ages and can’t believe I actually took PHOTOS.

Age: 34 Pregnancies/births: 2/3 Children’s ages: 7,5, & 5

Still Struggling (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Breasts, Postpartum, Pregnant, Second Pregnancy, Submissions 15 Comments

This will be my 3rd submission and I’m sad to say things have not gotten better. I had my daughter in 2008 after a 50lb weight gain. The stretch marks do not bother me, I could care less if anyone sees them. It’s my stomach I hate. I was skinny when my husband and I got together. Since then I’ve gained 40 lbs. I feel like he doesn’t find me attractive anymore even though he tells me he does. He is a porn addict and will not accept it. He hides it from me, using private browsing when he watches. Uses the bathroom (BM) several times a day. A normal person does not poop 3-4 times a day. I guess he thinks I’m stupid, he tells me thats what he’s doing. I’ve given up trying to talk about it because he just shuts down or denies it. I just let it happen and let it eat away at me little by little. Every time I try to talk to someone about it, they turn it back on me and say it’s my fault. Every guy does it and it’s normal. This is not normal….. I go online and read blogs and other websites with other women dealing with the same thing and most of the time it helps me get by. We HAVE watched the porn together and we always do new crazy things, even thing I’m not necessarily thrilled about but I try them because he wants to. But I saw something on one the other day. The guy said he has to get off to porn because that’s the only way he’ll ever see an attractive woman naked because his wife isn’t anymore because she has put on weight since having their son. That hurt! We go through so much to have these babies and for a husband to say that about his wife who has given birth to their son just hurts my heart. It left me wondering, does my husband feel the same way? Is that why he watches it so much? He doesn’t initiate much anymore, especially recently. I’m 4 months pregnant with our second baby, a baby boy! I am terrified it’s going to make my body worse. I’m not eating properly. I haven’t gain any weight, I’ve in fact lost 10 lbs since my first doctors appt. I’m scared my husband finds me repulsive and to think he could be thinking what that guy said, tears me apart. He’d never tell me if he did, so I’m left to wonder……

Pictures are of me today at 4 months pregnant.

~Age: 26
~Number of pregnancies and births: 3 ( 1 miscarriage, one birth, currently pregnant)
~The age of your children, or how far postpartum you are: 5 years PP

Beauty in a Mum Tum: Overcoming Fear (Jen)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Pregnant, Submissions 4 Comments

Age: 29 years old
Current and pre-pregnancy weight: 138 lbs.
Total weight gained during pregnancy: 27 lbs.
Children: 1 child, 11 weeks old.

I had always feared pregnancy for two reasons: I would not be in control of my body and I might end up with dreaded stretch marks top to bottom. These fears seemed to froth up in every conversation with girlfriends about pregnancy. I would say how I already had numerous stretch marks from puberty, especially on my thighs.

Some friends shared my fears but most of them thought it was silly. I felt that no one understood how much my body would change and it eclipsed for me the joy of the journey I almost did not take. One of my friends, at 8 months pregnant herself, said: “Oh Jen, there is so much more to worry about.” But I didn’t get it. I spent hours reading stories on shapeofamother, watching videos and showing photos to my husband of women with striped and swirly bellies to instill in him my fears so that he might agree to not have children naturally. He shrugged. So what? He said.

After 7 months of praying about starting a family, we started trying to conceive. In the second month, we were pregnant. I could not believe it! I was deliriously happy – scared – but happy. There was no going back so I promptly ordered the best stretch mark creams and oils money could buy.

I applied four types of stretch mark creams and oils twice daily – sometimes, three times a day! I was going to do everything I could to keep my body in my own control.

At 22 weeks my baby stopped moving. By the afternoon and through hysterical tears, I asked my husband to drive me to emergency obstetrics. I was praying that my baby was fine. When the doctor confirmed he was healthy, just turned with his back to my belly, I realized that my friend was right: there were so many more important things to worry about. The safety of my child trumped my small and superficial thinking. I knew then that I was not in control; I had to trust God. Did I really believe Psalm 139’s pledge that He knows us intimately, that we are fearfully and wonderfully made? Did I trust God with my body and with my baby? I had been reading this psalm to my child everyday and now it was my turn to be tested.

When at 33 weeks I got my first stretch mark on my lower belly, I was a little bummed but I kept on applying my creams and oils in earnest. I was too busy feeling my little baby kicking and wiggling. I tried to focus on finding joy in every part of the pregnancy, seeing it as special and sacred. When I went into labor at 39 weeks 5 days, my lower belly was striped, my hips donned their own purple lines and around my popped belly button was a swirl of stretch marks.

That’s ok with me.

Those stretch marks, though they have shrunk and faded already at 11 weeks postpartum, mean something special: they show that there was a baby that once grew in my belly.

They say I am a mother.

Because of this, they are beautiful.

Because of this, I am beautiful.

Photo 1: 3 months pregnant
Photo 2: 7 months pregnant
Photo 3: 5 hours postpartum
Photo 4: 11 weeks postpartum

It hurts to look at myself, but not at my son. (Steph)

Bonnie (SOAM) Belly, Cesarean, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, PPD - Postpartum Depression, Submissions 8 Comments

I was 22 when I had my first and only child. I had a pretty textbook pregnancy besides measuring weeks ahead. Before pregnancy I was at my heaviest – 104kg. I had no hope that I would ever fall pregnant but it happened. My beautiful 10lb son Maximus was born by emergency Cesarean on the 1st of January 2013. Due to his large size I was unable to give birth naturally – My first feeling of failure. I breastfed for three months until it became too much to feed such a big eater. Following the cesarean I had found out that my stitches had ripped open and caused a nasty painful infection – My second feeling of failure. I fell into postnatal depression and the very cry of my son would drive me to the verge of suicide – My third feeling of failure. In the year following I have lost weight – down to 89kg (the lightest I have been since the age of 15) but still cannot bear looking at myself in the mirror let alone anyone else seeing my stomach. Does this feeling ever subside? I dont feel like I will ever be happy until I can afford a tummy tuck. I even work out at the gym and find that I never feel truly satisfied due to my over hang and stretch marks. Its taken a great deal of courage to submit this story but Im hoping this will be my first feeling of overcoming failure.

Welcoming Our Twins (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Before Pregnancy, Belly, First Pregnancy, Postpartum, Prolapse, PUPPP Rash, Submissions, Twins 9 Comments

Age: 34
Pregnancies/births: 1/2
Age of children: 8 months

I found out I was carrying twins when I had a scan at 6 weeks because of some pain and bleeding. Turns out it was my uterus stretching quickly because there were two of them in there! Even at that early stage they located two heartbeats, although the babies were like tiny kidney beans on screen. The ultrasound tech had been called in at short notice because it was a Sunday in the ER (my health anxiety got the better of me), and I’m not saying anything either way but he kind of smelled like whisky. Anyway it was a really fun session once I stopped laughing hysterically and shaking (“what do you mean there’s TWO EGG SACS?!!”), he took a load of pictures for me and explained what everything was and I was sent home to break the news to my husband. He actually laughed as well which was something of a relief.

One of the nicest things about being newly pregnant with twins was that I didn’t have to wait very long until I started to show. One of the other nicest things was that I first felt a tiny kick at 15 weeks; I was so excited! I found it difficult that I didn’t feel confident to exercise, as I’m usually pretty active. I didn’t want to ride my bike or rock climb; I know that some women continue to do both until quite late in pregnancy but I was too worried about having an accident. I love to hike and continued to do that until I got pretty big.

I ate a LOT in the first trimester as I’d read that gaining 25lb by 25weeks was a good way to ensure that your babies would get a great start on their weight gain. Subsequently I got a great start on my own weight gain! I started at 130lb which I felt was slightly overweight for me (but probably isn’t – I was constantly working on losing that “last five pounds”). By the time the twins arrived I was over 200lb, I stopped weighing myself about 10 days before they got here because it was mildly terrifying. So, I gained 70+ lb, partly because I was diagnosed with preeclampsia and hospitalized at 35 weeks. The preeclampsia made me retain a lot of fluid and added to my weight gain.

I wasn’t severely preeclamptic and my blood pressure never got too high (no medication), but I had a horrible case of PUPPS rash (aka Satan incarnate) and it was the hottest summer since about 1411 and the hospital didn’t have air con. I spent most of my days stark naked, standing in my bay on the prenatal ward with the curtain drawn round and my arms held out at my sides (I couldn’t bear any of my own skin to touch myself, that’s how itchy the PUPPS was), scaring the staff when they popped their heads around the curtain. Seriously most of them had never heard of PUPPS, I felt like some sort of teaching aid.

The hospital wanted to induce me which I was dead set against as I was scared it wouldn’t work properly and I’d end up with a c-section, or it’d work too well and the contractions would be too intense and I’d end up with an epidural and then with a c-section (did I mention the health anxiety?). As it turned out my waters broke at 2am when I was 36 weeks, and our girls were born naturally 17 hours later. My husband and my mum were amazing. Labour was more painful than I hoped but nowhere near as painful as I feared. I’d wanted a water birth at home with no pain relief and giving birth in theater while hooked up to a continuous fetal monitor wasn’t exactly the plan but considering the circumstances it was the safest and best outcome possible. No drugs apart from beta blockers to lower my blood pressure, and a vaginal delivery, which I had very much wanted.

I’ve struggled since the birth with my body image. I’m still 20lb overweight and the skin on my belly will never be the same. My breasts have dropped (they went up to a G cup so it’s not surprising!), but I remind myself how lucky I am to have been able to beast feed my girls. I never really liked my boobs that much but I did love my flat, smooth stomach and I do get sad when I look at it now. I’m 5’ 6” and I carried the girls straight out in front, and the skin was stretched beyond repair. It’s wrinkly and crepey and I have a diastasis so my belly sticks out and I still look pregnant. My stretch marks are very fine and pale and hardly noticeable, which I’m grateful for. I wasn’t prepared for the extent of the changes to my body and have found it hard to deal with – my husband tells me that he still finds me attractive but it’s difficult for me to see how he can.

The hardest thing for me to cope with has been the multiple prolapses I suffered since the birth. I have a cystocele and a rectocele (my bladder and rectum both bulge into my vagina); luckily I don’t have problems with incontinence but I do feel uncomfortable most days. It’s been difficult for me to return to exercise. I love to climb, hike, cycle and backpack, and I worry that I won’t be able to do those things in the future. The backpacking is especially hard to think of losing. My husband and I have done many long trips of two or three weeks duration during which we walked for 15-20 miles a day up mountains while wearing 25lb backpacks – right now I can’t imagine a time when my pelvic floor will be able to take that kind of strain, and it kills me. I cry about the prolapse often. I wish that people talked about this issue more because I wasn’t even really aware that it could happen to me until it did and it was a horrible shock. I know that I need to be patient for a while longer as a lot of healing happens in the first year after birth and I don’t yet know what the final outcome will be, but it’s hard and I get scared.

My girls are beautiful, healthy and I love seeing them change every day. I couldn’t have imagined how much I would love them (and I imagined that I would love them a lot!). As I said I wish that prolapse was more widely discussed as I feel that I would have done a few things differently if I’d known that it affects up to 50% of women. I would give anything for the changes to my body to be merely cosmetic and external. I am hoping against hope that if I continue to lose weight and do my kegels religiously then I might eventually be fairly symptom free, although I know that prolapse is lifelong. I am very much hoping to avoid surgery.

The first picture is my stomach at about 6 weeks pregnant, second is me at 8 months post partum. Third is a close up of my stomach post partum, and fourth is a side view. Fifth and sixth are our gorgeous girls :)