No Photos (Story Only) – Page 9 – The Shape of a Mother

Just Wanted to Share (Karla)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Quote, Submissions Thursday, October 7, 2010Wednesday, October 6, 2010 3 Comments

Hi! I have been a visitor for years now, I have never writen my story…but one day I will! today I just wanted to share something with all my shapeofamother friends…

I was reading The Velveteen Rabbit (by Margery Williams) to my 5 year old today. I have read this story before, but just as other great stories, you can always find something new every time you read them. I came upon this wonderful quote:

*The Rabbit is talking to the wise and old skin horse about being REAL. This is the skin horse’s explanation: “It doesnt happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That is why it doesnt often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things dont matter at all, because once you are REAL you cant be ugly,except to people who dont understand.” WE are REAL, we are beautiful.

The Life of My Belly (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) Abortion/Life after Abortion, Child Loss, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions Tuesday, September 14, 2010Monday, September 13, 2010 2 Comments

I’m 31 and have had 2 abortions and 1 miscarriage – no children. All years apart and all for the best…. and still I find myself looking at my belly, that carried the life I was expecting to meet, someone I already loved. I wonder if it’s strange that it’s two years later, and I am still the same size and shape I was when I was pregnant. I know there is a part of me who is waiting to meet my baby, I also know there is no baby to meet. We were engaged… almost.. I said yes, but didn’t want to make it official until I met his parents… we were planning the trip… and a few months later – pregnant. I was excited, felt lucky, felt loved… then, he cheated on me… things unraveled and I had a miscarriage… it was an abrupt end to so many things…

I know now like I didn’t know before that I want to be a mother. And in the process of deep grieving and now deep healing, I know my soul better than I did 2 years ago, or rather I listen to my soul and respect my emotions more than I did. The ways I changed in looking forward to being a mother stayed with me, and I found with in me a mother’s voice and mother’s heart…. comforting, soothing, and nurturing all the wounded and neglect parts of myself. I used to think the goal was to lose the belly… the 25 pounds.. and I would know that part of me didn’t want to, because part of me was still wanting to grow, for this life I loved to grow… and when the belly was gone I would know it was all over…

Still ‘chubby’… still carrying my belly… I see all the things that grew in me when life stopped – a deeper self acceptance… speak softly to myself… reflect kindly… meditate earnestly… love deeper…

I turned 31 and suddenly noticed this “mother consciousness” and realized that this was a gift for me… a strong and comforting voice that has been growing in me. That will be with me, even if I lose this belly.

The Body My Children Gave Me (Kelly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Four or More Pregnancies, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions Monday, September 13, 2010Sunday, September 12, 2010 0 Comment

Age: 27
Number of children: 4, going on 5
Ages of children: 9, 7, 4 and 2, with the next one due in March

When I got pregnant with my oldest son, I was 5 foot 2, 93 lbs, and thought my body was perfect. After he was born, I lost the weight pretty quickly. My whole family has great metabolism. After having 6 children, my Grandmother maintained a small frame, and weighed approximately 110 lbs before cancer took over and took her from us (she was less than 80 lbs at the time of her death). My mom was the same way, weighing just 100 lbs after 3 children. After my first 3 children (all boys) were born, I also maintained a weight of around 100 lbs.

After my 4th child was born, my only daughter, I had dropped all but 15 lbs, and was happy. I realized that 93 lbs was far too skinny for my height, so I wasn’t worried about losing the rest. I was a size 5. I had stretch marks, of course, but I was proud of those. I had sagging breasts, but I breastfed one of my children, and was fine with those. Victoria’s Secret helps me out there. Then I decided that I didn’t want to worry about having more children, so I was put on a certain birth control. I was on it for a year, and during that year I was misdiagnosed as having post partum psychosis (an unfortunate side effect of the birth control), and I had gained 40 lbs. I grew to hate how I looked. I had a stomach that made me look 6 months pregnant. I wore baggy clothes, and the rare occasions that I started to feel good about myself and wore something not quite as baggy, someone would inevitably ask me if I was pregnant. One of those questions came when I was sitting at a bar, with a beer in front of me and a shot in my hand. I cried myself to sleep that night. My best friend and I decided to turn my garage into a gym and motivate each other to get in shape and stay in shape. While working on that, I found out that I am pregnant again.

I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with what will be my last child. I look like I am 6 months pregnant. I have started wearing clothes that show off my stomach again, clothes that are more form fitting, and yet, I still hate how my body looks. My thighs are rubbing together, they never did that before the last 2 years. My butt is lumpy. My c-section scars are hidden, but very much there to me. I have love handles on my lower back. I have fat rolls that stick out over the side of my bra. My breasts have grown 2 cup sizes, and now that I am pregnant again, I know they will grow more. I hate everything about how I look.

Then I look in the mirror. I smile as I look at my stretch marks, because for every mark, I have a story about my children. I look at my scars, and I know, that I have 2 beautiful children who were born via cesarean because their cords were wrapped around their necks, and I know that my scars are beautiful. I look at my thighs, and I know those are the thighs of a woman who has carried 4 children to term, and is carrying a 5th. I look at my love handles, my stomach, my breasts, and I am happy. I am happy to see that because of my body, 4 amazing children came into this world, all happy and healthy. And I know that soon, a 5th child will arrive.

I know that when this one is born, I just might go back to hating how I look. And I hope that if I do, I can start to go to the gym. I hope that going to the gym won’t make me think I will get back to my old figure, but maybe it will help me to see that no one is perfect. No one is perfectly happy with themselves, and maybe, just maybe, I can finally be satisfied with the body my children gave me.

Who am I? (Anonymous)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), PPD - Postpartum Depression, Second Pregnancy, Submissions Tuesday, September 7, 2010Monday, September 6, 2010 5 Comments

Age 26
2 pregnancy’s, 2 boys

I’ve been on this site alot over the last year or so and have never done an entry. I love this site it has helped me out through some bad days, today is one of those days, and I finally decided to send this in.
I met my husband when I was 17 we got engaged 9 months later…. just after my graduation, we moved in together in a new city thinking I was going to go to college, nope…….I have always suffered from self – esteem issues since a little girl and a little bit of deppression and when we moved it came out stronger. I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore, my friends were doing there own things and I was stuck. We got married a year later like planned and got pregnant when I was 20 I had our first baby boy at 21, pre-babe I was 5.9 and 130 pounds (looking at pictures of me back then I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself) after babe 193 lbs. and stretch marks from armpits to calves along with cellulite. I had spotting at the beginning of pregnancy due to blood type factors and it scared me out of doing my pilates which I loved to do. I got postpardum depression immediately with my first and from lack of bonding with my baby my therapist figures thats why we don’t get along so great :( A few months after our first I stood in front of my husband naked and asked him to tell me the truth (not knowing the truth is not what I was expecting) and asked if he thought I was as attractive as I used to be…….He said “no”. Almost 5 years later I am still having major troubles with it, I can’t get naked in front of him, I can’t wear a bathing suit (beaches and sunbathing being what I used to love) and I cry almost every time I look in the mirror. My husband tries saying that he doesnt know why he said no but that I look as good as I used too. Too late its always up there now. It took along time to want another baby after that. 3 yrs and 5 months later we had our second son this time the post pardum depression waited a couple months then came on strong, 16 months later I still am having a rough time. If my husband didnt find me as attractive after the first what about now at 217lbs. between the depression, anti-depressants and pregnancy the weight just keeps going up. I have no close friends and after my second baby I started getting really bad anxiety and panic attacks and sometimes couldnt leave the house. Its made it hard to meet people and continue a normal life, I feel like I dont know who I am anymore, no friends, family who I feel, feel obligated to help out, a husband I feel I cant trust anymore and fight with constantly and rarely have sex or feel wanted ( I know its half my fault) , I feel like a horrible, lazy mom. Some days I wonder if I was really meant to be a mom. I love my husband and Kids so much, but it just feels like way to much most of the time right now. I feel lost and I dont know where to turn. Thanks again for this site, it does help…..keep the posts coming.

Needing Some Support (Sarah)

Bonnie (SOAM) Infertility, No Photos (Story Only), Submissions Tuesday, August 31, 2010Monday, August 30, 2010 18 Comments

Hello, my name is Sarah and I am 23 years old, and I have never been pregnant. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and we have been trying to conceive since we got married. However, we’ve obviously been unsuccessful. I went to the doctor and they scheduled a pap test and a pelvic ultrasound. Lo and behold, the 4 letters I didn’t want to hear… PCOS. I knew it, I just knew it.. I’ve always had problems with my menses since I was about 14, and I have been overweight my whole life. I thought I had finally got it under control because about 3 years ago, I lost 70 pounds and my period started right back up (albeit I did it very unhealthily.. I refused to eat and I worked out 3-4 hours a day.) I … it was normal for about 2 years, and then (as we all do) I got married and gained some of the weight back. Then all at once, poof. I was right back where I started. I have been trying to diet and exercise, but due to the PCOS it is extremely hard… and I am getting discouraged.

All my friends have babies, and they never had a problem having children. I can’t help but be jealous of them. I have cried countless bitter tears over it… I feel like a failure, because my body doesn’t work like it’s supposed to… The one purpose my body can serve me, to bring another little life into the world, and I can’t even do it. I’ve visited this site for a year now and I have read so many wonderful stories and my yearning for a baby has just gotten stronger. I just wanted to share my story and get some support from other women who suffer with PCOS as well. Thanks for reading… :)

Another Update (Dolly)

Bonnie (SOAM) Child Loss, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions, Update Tuesday, August 17, 2010Monday, August 16, 2010 3 Comments

Previous posts here and here.

After a few years we have decided to try again. In April 2010 (6 weeks) I found out that I was pregnant again. The same day I went in to get my IUD removed I started to miscarry, I again became pregnant June 2010 (again at 6 weeks)and miscarried again . So I now have 3 babies in Heaven. I do not plan to stop trying but will continue to hope for more. My two kids at home are now 6 and 7 and If God NEVER gave me another baby to bring home I will still be grateful for all my babies and for the time I did have.

Behind Enemy Lines (SMS)

Bonnie (SOAM) Body Image, First Pregnancy, Infertility, Mom over 30, No Photos (Story Only), Postpartum, Submissions Wednesday, June 23, 2010Tuesday, June 22, 2010 6 Comments

Age 30
1st pregnancy, 1 year postpartum

My body has always been the enemy. This shape which outlines the whole of who I am, encapsulating the parts of me both seen and unseen. Somehow, with time and age, it had come to represent me, a personal definition of who I am, carefully crafted for the world to see. The “me” that existed behind the lines of my body was lost in my attempts to measure up to a cultural ideal.

Before my daughter, I was constantly at war with my body. It never did what I wanted, when I wanted it, how I wanted. Having internalized so many of the messages my culture had fed me, I never felt thin enough, shapely enough, sculpted enough. I starved myself for years on end, adopting strange diets in the name of being healthy, and obsessed that it was never enough. It seemed, my body was always bound to fail me. Years of my life were spend battling body dysmorphic disorder – no matter what I did, it was never enough.

When we decided we were ready to have a baby, my body failed me again. The first few months passed. Then a year. Then another year. My body was failing me on a whole new level. Not only did it fail to measure up to some abstract standard of beauty, but apparently its functionality was also impaired. I spent nights lamenting over a loss of my future family, tears wasted after our Re told us it wouldn’t happen on our own. In the war between me and my body, my body was winning.

Shortly before the three year mark of trying to conceive, we finally did just that. And as my body began to change, so did I. For the first time in my, my body had a purpose. It had a purpose greater than myself. In the first three months I gained 20lbs, and I stopped getting on the scale. My best guess is I gained at least 45lbs during my pregnancy, but that was just a number. I felt free. Free to exist as I was, as a woman bringing life into this world. My growing curves stood as testament to the amazing thing happening inside my body and the only standard of comparison was in my heart.

My daughter was born a mere 5lb 10oz. Complications at the pregnancy caused her to stop getting adequate nutrition – one last attempt from my body to fight my new empowerment. But my daughter was strong and healthy. And next week my tiny peanut will be turning a year old. My body shows the proud signs of mommyhood. A handful of stretchmarks adorn my tummy and thighs, my hips are ample, my breasts have nourished my daughter for these nearly twelve months and they show it, and I’m still carrying some baby weight around because my life is too busy chasing my daughter around to obsess all that much. I still won’t get on a scale. This is not the same body I had a few years ago. This body is better. And I am not the same woman I was a few years ago. I am stronger.

Some days are rougher than others. Some days the drive to perfection revs up again. Then I look at my daughter, and I marvel at how this body could do something so amazing. And I remind myself that how my daughter will look at herself starts with how I look at myself. I never want my daughter to fight with her own body, because she is beautiful and incredible as she is. I have learned that one of the best ways to love my daughter is to also love myself.

Who will you be? (Lauren)

Bonnie (SOAM) No Photos (Story Only), Poetry, Submissions Wednesday, June 23, 2010Tuesday, June 22, 2010 1 Comment

I am not a mother but I think about that day so often…who she (or he) will be, how I will feel, etc. This simple poem is a reflection of those thoughts.

Who will you be?