I am a 22 year old mother of 3, soon to be 4. I am now 20 wks preganant. I am having very mixed emotions. This is my seventh pregnancy. I was 14 when i miscarried twins. i had my oldest daughter at 16, she is now 5. My second is 4 and my youngest just made 1. Yes, all girls!!! But they are so beautiful and fun. They were all born by c-section. I am a little bitter about that becuase my doctor never really let me know why my first was scheduled i was only a day overdue and i didn’t even get the chance to be induced. I have had a total of 3 miscarrages, one which was ectopic( where my left tube was removed). So I have been cut in the same spot four times already. i am really scared about having a fourth c-section being that my youngest will only be 18 months on my scheduled delivery date. i know every womans body is different, but I hemmoraged with my last. i am soo worried right now. I actually contemplated getting an abortion. My kids father wasn’t really supportive of having another child at the begining because he believes that i am already stressed out and he worries that he will be left to take care of our three daughters if something were to go wrong. But I just want to believe that this is all part of God’s plan for me. I can’t honestly say that i am excited because we are having financial problems and our house is going into foreclosure. My husband really doesn’t keep a steady job and he isn’t really much help when it comes to domestic duties. i am trying hard not to stress out but i can’t help it. i really love my girls they are so beautiful and talented but i cry when i think of losing them. I know I probably sound dramatic but with my last they told me not to have anymore only i was too young to get my tubes tide. i feel so lost right now i feel like i can’t control my emotions. I don’t want to say that i am depressed but i don’t feel like myself these days. It’s really as though I don’t even know who I am. My whole life is centered around my kids i don’t go out, i’ve never been to a club and i don’t have friends. Don’t get me wrong dress-up and tea parties are going to always be great but i just want to know who I am outside of being a good mother. It doesn’t help that people constanly tell me how I look 16 and I’m only a baby what am i doing with all these babies. But I don’t regret them. I just want to define myself outside of my house. I just feel so alone. Does anyone have any type of advice for me?
No Photos (Story Only)
Will It Get Better….. (Anonymous)
Age:28
Number of Pregnancies:1
10 months postpartum
I just had another “talk” with my boyfriend about my self-esteem. Of course I start to cry about how bad I look now overall.
Up until my 6th month of pregnancy, I was working out up to 2 hours a day lifting weights. I was in the best shape of my life until was put on light duty after discovering I had shortened cervix. During my pregnancy I gained 17lbs at a total weight of 152. My son was 8.8lbs.
Fast forward to present….I can’t get over how bad I look from my body to my skin. My face looks dry and tired. My belly is just disgusting, my thighs are wobbly, my arms are jiggly and my ass looks scary. I’ve lost all but 3lbs but I’ve lost all muscle I had which is the sad part for me. My breasts are still to be seen since I’m still nursing my son. I’m sure they won’t be as perky and full as they once were. I hardly put makeup on. I wear the same old clothes over and over since I can’t fit into the “cute clothes”. I don’t have the time to get my pedicures or my eyebrows done. I lost my motivation to go into the gym since I get winded out doing things I was zipping through a year ago. I feel l’ve aged 5 years.
I can’t appreciate my body after having my son. I love my son to pieces but just hate the aftermath. This is hard to admit, but I don’t have much pictures of my son and I because I hate to see myself and see what I now look like (hence no pictures). I tell my boyfriend that I won’t marry him or have another baby until I get back in shape. I was once overweight and I just don’t want to return to that time. Will this get better and if so when????
14 Months Later (Linda)
I am 29 years old and first time mom to a beautiful 14 months old girl. I really don’t have any complaints about my body, the few stretch marks that showed up 2 weeks before I had her, seem so faint that really don’t bother me. Three months ago, my husband didn’t think I should be wearing a two piece bathing suit, but after he came back from military leave he mentioned how my stretch marks seem almost non existent. I’ve always felt very comfortable about my body, until someone mentions how thin I am. I’ve always been a thin petite woman, before Leah and now. The difference now, is that I am even thinner than before I had her, my breasts shrunk one size (I was a B cup and not i am an A) and my derriere completely disappeared. I’ve never felt so skinny in my life and I thought I was losing weight drastically due to breast feeding, so I quit (or she quit) when she was 10 months. I also had an IUD implanted 2 months post-partum, and I am beginning to think that this is the cause to my weight loss, loss of libido, shrunk breasts and hairy breasts!!!
I’ve lived with this for the past year, and this past year my life has been so busy, that I didn’t stop to think about my body changes until my husband came back from leave. He never mentions anything, he is absolutely perfect and he loves us and we love him. I eventually want to have another baby, but I want to know if what I am going through with this IUD is normal. I am thinking about taking it off, and hope my memory doesn’t fail me when I have to do the monthly contraceptives.
I would love to post pictures but I feel like somebody will find them! maybe next time…
Not a Mother, Yet… Or Ever? (Tatiana)
I am 26 and engaged to marry a wonderful man next year. Just a couple of days ago he told me that his utopia would be to marry me and have a baby with me. The thing is, this is not necessarily my idea of an utopic life. I love traveling, I love being able to just leave and get in a plane or drive cross-country for no reason other than my desire to do it. For the longest time I used to proclaim that I’d have six children, but the more time gets near for my marriage, and the more I think about it, the less I want to be pregnant. I ran into this website and I see all your bodies and they look gorgeous to me, stretchmarks and all. However, I don’t want them on MY body. I don’t feel “called” to have a baby inside me, and I shiver at the thought of settling down and be tied down to a kid. I sound horrible, I know, and I feel so bad about not feeling this “call” that the rest of my girlfriends are getting. :(
The idea of a gestational surrogacy crosses my mind all the time. And then, I think I’m waay too proud and controlling to let another woman carry my child. Noone could do it better than me, right?
I’m certain the issues of abandonment from my father and the guilt-trips of my mom contribute to me being scared sh*tless when contemplating the thought of motherhood. And I don’t wanna have a kid just cuz my future husband wants it. I want to have that desire, but it’s just not there.
Am I a horrible woman? Did any of you feel this way and things changed after you had your baby? Any of you would have chosen a gestational surrogacy if it could’ve been possible?
Battling Myself Over Surgery (Anonymous)
I am a 30 yr old mother of 3, ages 10, 7 and 8 months. I have always been self-conscious about my body but now more then ever. I am coming to terms with my mommy body however I have never been happy with my breast. I have always been almost a “b” cup but since my third child my breast are barely existent and hang low and flat. I am contemplating surgery because I think it will help me feel better about myself. I have always felt less of a woman for my lack of breast but especially now. I hate being in a room with women because i feel ashamed and like a child. Im battling myself though because I dont want to be a weak person and resort to extreme measures, it seems so vain. I wish I could be confident with my body but it has been 30 years and I just cant. I have suffered from depression nearly all my life and my self image as contributed to it. I wish I was stronger but Im just not, am I wrong for wanting surgery? What kind of message am I sending my daughter? Is it worse for her to see me miserable with my body and embarrassed or to see me modify myself? I dont want large breast, I just want to look normal and feel beautiful.
Elisha
Hi there i had a baby 11 months ago and i still havent got back to how i would like at the moment i hate my body and cant bear to see myself naked i am 23 and this is my first child and pregnancy, birth and motherhood was and is the best experience ever i love my daughter more than anything but at the moment i am so down about my body i hate it just talking about it makes me wanna cry i have my partner seeing my naked and i hate going to events as trying to find somthing to wear is so stressful then when i do find somthing i see pictures after the event and i hate seeing pictures of myself, i dont know how to cope with the way my body has changed, i was pregnant at the same time a 2 friends and they both look fantastic in there size 8 cloths and it makes me envious of them i hate being around them because of how i look next to them can someone please give me some advice on how to get loosing the baby weight and get a flat tummy and get my confiedence back because at the moment i dont have any thanks elisha
A Lost Son, A Blessed Son, A Missed Son (Andrea)
I got married in July the 19th [On my 22th birthday] 2000, to my husband Patrik. In January next year I found out I was pregnant, with twin boys, the whole pregnancy went well and October the 12th Anton and Isac were born. I found it realy great being a mom and I loved it. Just before the boys were about to turn two I found out that I was expecting triplets, I was quite chocked but happy of course. And a few days after my husbands birthday the triplets were born natrually, two girls an one boy, in the 22th of April. Hannah, Jocelyn and Zack was they named to. When the triplets had turned two we had settled in in a new home and everything. Just an ordinary day I took Zack with me to go shopping, but on the way there some truck smashed the side of the car were Zack was sitting. I woke up on the hospital were I worked and was told that my son did´nt make it, he had internal dameges and died after a few hours. It took my breath out of me, how could that be possible, we was just going to the mall and now he was dead. I accused myself badly and almost get depressed, I thought things like ”Why could´nt I save him, and me who is supposed to be a doctor. Why should I survive when he did´nt”. It almost got so far that I almost tried to take my own life, but then I thought that I got four other kids who need me and I can´t just not leave them. I started to slowly recover, both my mind and my body. I had broken an arm, a leg, three ribs and one hip, it took me about six month to recover. The way back to the ordinary life was hard, it seamed like they knew something had happend and they cried almost 24/7. The girls had lost their triplet and were now just twins. I tried to be strong for their sake and in front of them I did´nt crie but when they all slept I took it out on my husband, who had to be strong to keep something together. It went to the better, I was´nt that sad all the time, and enjoyed my other kids progress. But I felt guilty for not showing that I missed him but I understnad later on that he wanted us to enjoy life even if he could´nt be there and share it with us, even if he just was two years old. A few months after our loss I found out I was pregnant again and it came as a chock when I found out that it was multiples, as much as five. I did´nt want five more kids, but I had not the heart to kill them an they were born 27th June. Two girls and three boys. Jessica, Adrian, Theresa, Lucas and Jesper. I was able to enjoy life again even if the sorrow was clambing by my heart. I even wrote a story decated to Zack. You will always be there with us in our hearts… [Sorry for my bad english]
Current age: 31 this year
Pregnancies and births: Three, ten children born
Age of children: Anton and Isac 8 years in October. Hannah and Jocelyn [Zack] 6 years. Jessica, Adrian, Theresa, Lucas and Jesper 3 years in June.
The Ugly Side of the Bump (Julie DeCoria)
Originally posted here at Julie’s blog.
I’m a female. And so are you. This being said, we are instant unity in numerous issues: dieting, love, life, voting, shoes, and pregnancy. So, I feel I can say this and you all won’t judge…..
What the crap, Pregnancy?
Maybe, I’m just hormonal today, maybe the Prego Fairy just smacked me a bit hard with her “fat” stick, I don’t know…either way, I’m having a few issues today and I have a bone to pick with her.
I think, like many women, I was a bit disillusioned by the thoughts of pregnancy before I was actually pregnant. Don’t misunderstand, I am eternally grateful for this whole experience (especially since we had been told this was unlikely to happen, at all) and I am more than willing to make sacrifices for my family. Totally. I think I was just misinformed. No one really talks about the ugly side of the bump.
I have no clue how many blogs I have read (and written, for that matter) about the magical awesomeness that is pregnancy. To be fair, it has its amazing, tender moments. To be fairer, it has twice as many cruel ones that really, you have to laugh at. Otherwise, you cry. Lately, I tend to do both.
For example…..
A few weeks ago, while visiting the Mr. in Wyoming, we made a day trip to Jackson Hole for a little “us” time. While there, I experienced my most embarrassing moment during my pregnancy, possibly during my life. We meandered into a museum and leisurely strolling through the various exhibits and chit chatting about various pieces. Now, I should probably mention I was suffering through some fairly severe allergies and was having massive difficulty controlling my endless sneezing. While the Mr. was describing this thing or that (I can’t remember which) I felt what can only be described as an “uber-sneeze” begin to work its way through my sinuses and to my nose. I should probably also mention that I had also lost control over other bodily functions a few weeks prior, and was rarely given warning as to when one of those attacks might rear their ugly heads. (Oh, yes…THOSE.) So, unable to control my body at all, I emitted explosion sounds…from both ends of my body. Yep. I let one rip in public. The Mr. was nothing if not horrified and completely stunned. He just stared at me, mouth hanging open, unable to speak for about 20 seconds before he just backed out of the room. All the while, I could do nothing but clutch my belly and laugh hysterically.
Then there are nights like last night. I am just over 6 feet tall. My weight will never be a dainty number, nor will I ever be a dainty woman. I had hoped that when I got pregnant I would be one of the “lucky” women who got the basketball bump because I have been so vertically blessed. Much to my dismay this is not so.
I used to be a fairly sizable girl, if you will, and the fat girl inside me still whispers mean things in my ear whenever my weight fluctuates a little bit. About 2 months ago, as the numbers on the scale were creeping up rapidly despite my best efforts of keep them down, I became totally and completely discouraged and vowed to avoid the scale for the rest of my pregnancy, even turning around at the doctor’s office so I didn’t have to know the number. Somehow it’s ok for my doctor to know the number, but just not me. The numbers on the scale began to resemble those of NFL linebackers, you know, the big ugly, meaty kind. Can’t even go there. But last night, curiosity killed the cat and I dragged the scale out from behind the toilet and gingerly stepped on it….only to look down at the number and have it reduce me to tears… a sniveling, weeping, sobbing mess. Just reliving it in my head makes me well up all over again.
Darn hormones.
I have a temper like you wouldn’t believe, and it strikes for no apparent reason. My normally mild self is ready to fly off the handle for any given reason and my irritation tolerance is almost none-existent. I often find myself thinking, “Were you always this irritating?” about people whom pre-pregnancy I both loved and adored. Luckily, I’m still passive enough that most of my insults are merely smattering around my mind and not (always) coming out my mouth. If people could only hear the things I am screaming at them in my head I assure you they would have never been more offended.
I have never been less physically appealing in my life and it discourages me to no end, and it’s only going to get worse. I fear I will never gain control over my bodily functions again and my husband will wonder what kind of girl he married. I swear I’m still feminine…somewhere on the inside. I think.
There are sooo two sides of the bump. The loveliness, the tender moments, belly kisses, kicking, belly pictures, anticipation, where I become all a titter with excitement and anticipation, the side my heart resides on more often than not I do, I love it. But the other side, the ugly side, the disgusting side…really, not so much. I’m definitely living on the ugly side of the bump today.
So, like I said. What the crap, Pregnancy?
Anonymous
I don’t have any pictures to share this time….but instead, complaints. I have posted here twice before. Once at 4 months PP here and once at 7 months PP here. By the time I was about 10 months PP I was back to normal and completely happy with my body again. Once I started working full time again, about a year ago, I gained back about 5 pounds due to not having time to work out as much. I was still pretty happy with what I had. Until about 6 months ago….I’ve always been a pretty high strung person, but I began to feel more anxious than ever and was really stressing out about everything. My doctor decided to try me on Zoloft. This is the first time I had ever been on any type of medication for anxiety or anything for that matter. At first I started feeling better, calmer…but more hungry and lazier than ever. I still push myself to workout at least 3
days a week and I have been eating healthy, as I almost always have. The pounds keep coming. I have gained at least 10-15 pounds since being on the medication. I seem to have lost the muscle tone I had despite working out. My doctor says that the Zoloft will not cause these things and has ever suggested increasing my dose. I plan on stopping the medication under supervision….of a different doctor. It sucks cause I loved my post partum shape and now I hate my flabby body and find it harder to enjoy life and my family due to feeling so bad about my body. No matter what I eat or don’t eat or how hard I work out, I can’t get the pounds to budge…they just keep creeping up.
The Loss of my Son and Daughter (Keisha)
Becoming a mother is one of the best feelings in the world to experience. You can’t believe to be bringing someone very special in this world, and they be a part of you. My son Demetrius was born January 14 2000, 8 lbs 1 oz. A big and healthy baby. I did everything I knew to do in making sure my baby would be healty, but sometimes there are things beyond your control no matter how hard you try. My son died on Feburary 15, 2000 at the hospital. I was devestated and hurt to the core of my bones because how could this happen. What was wrong with my son that he would leave me so soon. But things happened for a reason and at that time I didn’t know or cared what that reason was. All I knew was that my sweet baby boy was no longer with me. The death of my son even traumatized my oldest son because he was close with his brother even though it was a short time that Demetrius spent on this earth. As time went I was depressed a lot and so was my son. Three years had past and I was pregnant again. This time I was making sure that everything I did was good for my baby. The only thing was I kept thinking back what if the same thing that happened to my son would happen once more, but after getting a lot of advice and counseling from friends and family and professionals, they said lighting would not strike twice in the same spot. I wanted so bad to beleive that. I started beleive what everyone said and I let my guard down. My due date was approaching, then my due date was here, I was in labor for 5 days straight. All the contractions and the pain was hurting me, but I was excited that I was getting ready to bring my daughter home. I had a doctors appointment and then the doctor checked me, I was scared when she told me that she couldn’t find the heart beat and when she did it was a sing of relief. She said by 8 pm that night you would be in full labor. I went home and five hours later, it was time to go to the hospital. I was excited because the time was getting closer to bring home my baby, but it didn’t happened that way. When I got to the hospital and was checked out by the nurse they couldn’t find a heart beat, I told them that I went to the doctor’s earlier and they had a hard time finding the heartbeat. The nurses told me something that I didn’t want to hear. They said to me that I’m sorry that there isn’t a heartbeat, that my baby had died. Screaming, criying, yelling and heartbroken I was once again devestated by the news of my daughter that was supposed to be born on June 11, 2003. After having to push my daughter out, the doctors and everyone else saw what the problem was. The umblical chord was wrapped around my daughters neck. Once againg my son and I was heartbroken because we weren’t able to have no time with either son or daughter. Here is a poem that I wrote for both of my children, writing this poem got me through that awful time. The poem is attached to the email.
My Beautiful Angels
God chose me to have his angels
In my eyes that’s what I see
God chose me to have his angels
To my surprise because I had three
God chose me to have his angels
Because I was told that I could have none
God chose me to have his angel
But he took two and I kept one
Because my Angel baby what a gift from GOD
So innocent good and sweet
I think about you every night and day
Tears come down I weep
Knowing that I must be special
To get this gift from God
With the time we shared
On this earth
Giving you back was hard
My special baby
I love