My first OYB post is up this morning at BlogHer – go read it and share it with the women and mothers in your life!
My Own Ramblings
A Birthday! And a Giveaway!
In honor of SOAM’s upcoming fourth birthday, I am hosting a DVD giveaway! I happen to have a couple copies of 50 Nude Women which the producer, Margot, is refusing to let me pay for because she is clearly completely awesome.
I first became aware of this short film through one of SOAM’s readers several years ago, although at this point I can’t remember who it was now (feel free to speak up!) and as soon as I looked into it, I knew I had to own it. It is, simply, footage of 50 very different women, all nude. Tall and short, thin and round, young and old, from different cultures, of different colors, various body marks from head to toe – it is, in a word, women. Despite it’s length of only 12 minutes, the film makes me both laugh and cry. It shows the beauty in the diversity of women, and, actually, in humankind in general. We are beautiful in all our many forms. (I swear I’m not paid to say this!)
I believe Margot has made one of the most beautiful and important films ever, and I hope every woman (and man! and teenager!) finds a way to watch this movie and share it with their friends. And that is why this DVD is what I want to share with you as we embark on a fifth year of changing the world.
But I’m going to make you work for it. How do you enter? It’s simple – just go to Harriet Brown’s website and take her Pledge to Love Your Body. Come back here and leave a comment saying you’ve done that and you are entered to win one of two copies of the DVD that I’ll give away. Winners will be chosen randomly and I will announce the winners on Monday, July 5th, and we’ll have cake (gluten-free for me, virtual for you*) and sing and maybe even dance a little.
So go forth, spread the word on your blog or on Facebook or Twitter, and stay tuned for the festivities!
*I’d share, but cake just doesn’t taste as good once it’s shoved through the internet.
Why Do We Treat Ourselves With Hate?
I’ve noticed a certain sort of recurring comment here at SOAM. It goes something like, “Wow, mama, you look GREAT! Your boobs/belly/bum looks way better than mine – I look like crap and I’m much farther postpartum/younger/had fewer kids than you did.” This comment starts off lovely and supportive but quickly turns dark and self-abusive. Why?
In the past I have posted an entry or two which I had hoped would help bring out the positivity in the women here. I have asked them to share things they loved about the way their bodies changed or simply things they loved about their bodies. Very few people responded to these attempts.
So this week, I decided to do a simple experiment. On Monday I asked for you to share the things you wished you could change about your body. As I expected, I was flooded with comments – 74 here at SOAM and another 46 over at Facebook in just about 24 hours. What I didn’t expect were the comments that answered this question on a much deeper level. Comments like these:
Becky Says:
I could make my cesarean scar darker. It’s been 5 1/2 years now and it’s mostly faded. I don’t want to forget. It was a dark, dark time in my life and if I forget I’m afraid I won’t fight hard enough to keep it from happening again.Adrienne Descloux Says:
I want to know why she’s only interested in my body. I she a man in disguise? If I had a fairy godmother what I’d *really* want her to change is my yard to being self maintained, more time to play crafts with the kids indoors. ;-)Samantha Says:
I wish she would change my mind, to give me the ability to love my body/myself as it is/as I am. Seriously. My biggest most hideous flaw is how much I hate my appearance.Michelle Says:
I have scoliosis. I want my back fixed.Erin Says:
I wish I didn’t have such a long list of things I want to change about my body. Physically there is a lot I would LOVE to change: brow lift, flat tummy, smaller arms, smaller nose, bigger booty, tan, no acne/scars, better toe nails, etc… But I think deep down, most of all I would ask to learn how to love myself just as I am. Also how to be loved by others. I think if I had that then the rest wouldn’t be as important.krystine Says:
I would ask the ferry god mother for the ability to smile. Something so simple that I struggle with every day, that my oldest (nearly 4) is starting to notice that mummy is sad alot.
These women, despite the pain I hear in their words, speak from a place I hope we can all understand one day (preferably with as little emotional trauma as possible). The idea that our bodies truly are superficial; they are a means to experience life, they should not be our lives. This isn’t to take away from the very real pain we, as women, have to deal with when it comes to loving ourselves and our bodies, but I hope that one day each of us can come to a place where we have moved beyond that pain.
The next day, Tuesday, I asked for you to share with me the things you do like about your bodies. I guessed that fewer people would contribute when forced to speak nicely about themselves and, again, my suspicions proved accurate. Only 40 comments here at SOAM and ten at Facebook. (On the other hand, ten people “liked” this, compared to only 3 from the day before.)
Why is it so much easier to beat ourselves emotionally senseless than it is to lift ourselves up? It takes work to change this way of thinking, but we must do this work. For ourselves, our daughters, our friends, their daughters – indeed for every woman living in this society. But it is not impossible and it can be done one step at a time.
This week, I ask you to take this step: refrain from bashing yourself when lifting up another mama here. When you leave comments here, please do not hurt yourself in the process. I’m not even asking you to compliment yourself here (yet), I ask that you simply don’t insult yourself. Believe it or not, it’s the beginning of the road to accepting yourself.
A Mother’s Day Post
I had hoped to write a deeply meaningful post to share with you today. I was going to talk about growing older and gaining wisdom and the power that comes with age and with motherhood. I was going to say how our bodies are a reflection of all the internal changes that happen when we become mothers, and how that is a beautiful thing. But the fact is that I am not in any place to write anything clear tonight. Instead I will share some photos we took today. A few weeks ago I had to lift my eight-year-old to see something on a high shelf; I didn’t expect to be able to hold her long but my hips surprised me and I was able to have a sweet moment with my girlie a little longer than I thought. This mama body I have here is stronger than I realized. And so is yours. So take a moment today to love it, to discover how the beauty and wisdom of motherhood are reflected in your belly or breasts or hips or your heart. Happy Mother’s Day to each of you.
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
It’s a bit late for most of you by now, but I just came across this and wanted to share it anyway. This is a subject that comes up a lot here, and I wanted to share with all you mamas who’ve lost a child that I will be lighting a candle for you tonight and holding you in my heart. Blessings to you.
The BMI Project
I came across this a long time ago and was recently reminded of it – today’s entry inspired me to finally get around to sharing it with you all.
We all know the scale lies – that’s why “They” created the BMI, to have a more accurate way of assessing weight and size. And it is more accurate. But that does not make it accurate at all.
Many years ago, I worked in the shoe department of a fancy store. I remember one day a woman came in and tried on a pair of size six shoes that happened to be too small for her. I offered to get her a six and a half to try, but she told me, “No, I wear size six.” Even knowing that different brands run differently, she was unwilling to choose the next size up in a pair of shoes she loved because she allowed herself to be tied to numbers.
We do that too often. We think about how much we weigh, what size we wear – as mothers we count diapers and ounces of milk consumed (do you think ancient people did this?). We care so much about numbers we forget that they do not equate normalcy. So many of us fall outside of “average” and we berate ourselves for this, even when we are perfect just the way we are.
So, please, check out the BMI project and try to let go of the control that numbers have over you.
A Stolen Photograph (I Refuse to be Ashamed)
I was alerted to a certain anti-stretch mark article tonight by reader Sara. The author of this article had the gall to break copyright laws and steal my photograph of myself and my baby son which has been featured on this website for nearly three years. I have politely asked her to remove it.
I will not be linking to this article because I do not want them to benefit from the traffic a link would provide – also because I would prefer this end here rather than become some drawn-out internet soap opera. But this has given me an opportunity to write about something which has been on my mind for awhile. Namely the power we let society have over our esteem.
I am a fat woman. For the longest time, I was ashamed of that and felt that I was unworthy of good things in life – of looking pretty, of feeling pretty, of being listened to, of being admired. Screw that! I am human, I am smart, I am pretty, and I am more than worthy of all these things and more. I am striving to be healthy in diet and exercise and I do hope certain health issues get resolved, which will lead to being a lower weight for this size is rather physically uncomfortable for me. But if not, I won’t let anyone tell me how to feel about myself any more. I used to hide my fat arms in sleeves, short or long. But I won’t anymore. I happen to like the kiss of the sun on my shoulders, and I refuse to be hidden just because my arms don’t fit one particular image of what society says they should look like. I’ve liberated my arms and my esteem.
Society has no right to decide for me that my stretch marks, my extra skin, my body shape make me unworthy. I refuse to feel badly about my body because I grew, nourished and birthed (and nourished some more) two amazing people. I refuse – I simply refuse – to fall into that negative thinking. I have children who I have to be strong for, children who look to me as a role model for what women are – and I want them to know that women are strong, rational, intelligent creatures who can be beautiful and KNOW IT at any size and at any shape.
I really don’t care if people look at my belly and feel disgust. I steel myself against them. I run my fingers along the lines and appreciate what they mean: love. The love of growing my babies. And I simply refuse to let myself even think negative things – I won’t be held down that way!
As an activist, I feel like each person must take a stand. Ten years ago, it was unheard of to re-use grocery bags, but it is becoming quite the norm these days – because each individual person took that stand and made it so. I also feel like positive body image really and truly IS within our reach, only we each have to make the decision not to allow them to imprison us in our own cells of self-hatred. We have to make the decision to just REFUSE to let them tell us how to think of ourselves. How dare they? How dare they try to keep us down?
I find it rather ironic that the photograph that was stolen in an attempt to create a feeling of shame about a mother’s body happens to be a pose which I feel is confidant and self-assured, not afraid to just be, regardless of how many stretch marks and extra skin there may be.
Don’t let them get into your head. Take control and refuse them access to your insecurities. Fake it if you have to – the real stuff will follow naturally – but take a stand with me and all the other moms on here and refuse to be ashamed!
A Story of “Pregorexia”
A big thanks to Kate who sent me this link this morning which led me to this article about a mom’s personal experience starving herself during her pregnancy. I have long thought that the focus on weight gain during pregnancy is too strong and even misguided. It is a good and important medical tool to use, but most of us do not use it that way – instead it is twisted into some kind of moral social structure in which those of us who gain the “right” amount “win” and those who gain outside that are forced into self-hatred.
The article mentions that more often anorexia is about control – and how truly out of control are we while pregnant? It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at once. From changes on the surface like stretch marks to changes deeply inside our souls as we realize just how vulnerable motherhood makes us – we are out of control in many ways.
So, take a look at this woman’s story and pictures. And pass it on. And I believe we can help someone out there.
Happy Mother’s Day!
To all you who have participated.
To all you who have read the site and passed it on.
To all of you who have been empowered.
To all of you who have been relieved.
To those with stretch marks and those without.
To those who no longer recognize their bodies, and those who bounced back.
You who are uncertain you could ever appreciate your body again.
You who grew, nourished, and loved the tiny person who came from your body.
And to you who have no child to hold this day – you are mothers, too.
There is so much we have to fight for as women and as mothers. Today let’s take just a little bit of our dignity back. Today you should appreciate your body in any small way that you can, and today you will forgive yourself a little of the pain of trying to fit physically into this Barbie world. Today – give yourself a happy Mother’s Day.
I hope your day is lovely and that your family pampers you accordingly! Blessings to mamas everywhere!
Mention in Brain, Child Magazine
Author Melissa Stanton recently wrote an article on the controversial “Mom Job” plastic surgery package in Brain, Child magazine. She mentions this website in the article. Overall, I think the article is mostly balanced, but I would like to take this opportunity to clear up one thing about this website.
The Shape of a Mother is often misunderstood to be a site dedicated to loving the postpartum image – that IS a big part of my hopes for the site, but it is Step 2 for us as women. Step 1 is simply to put the images out there so we know we aren’t alone. Stanton mentions this in her article – the relief of knowing she wasn’t the only mom to face this. I think once we know we are part of a big, worldwide sisterhood, then we can begin moving down our respective paths of of self-love, whatever that may mean to each of us as individuals.
I know the images here are as scary to some women as they are reassuring to others. I think that’s normal – after all, this has been our deep, dark secret for so long. What I want is to let the secret out. If it’s not secret anymore, it will no longer be shocking or scary.
What did you think of the article?